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Haku

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About Haku

  • Rank
    Newbie
    Newbie
  • Birthday 01/28/1992

Character Details

  • Location
    Netherlands
  • Class
    druid
  1. Haku

    Haku's psyche work

    Well, I didn't make it that tight in the first place. I made that suit when I weighed 73 kg or something..? Now I weigh 99. When I weighed 89kg I still fitted it. I mean, not perfectly of course, but it was still comfortable enough to actually wear it without having to worry about anything. The only change that's really needed is me losing weight. But I think last Saturday, after that panick moment, I found peace with it. I'm going to accept me as a person first. If I can't fit in the suit for now, so be it. I can do other things too. It's not like fursuiting is my only hobby. Hahaha! There are so many other things to do, like knitting, drawing, singing, making music, playing games... I'm afraid riding my motorbike will happen less and less this time of year, because of the crappy weather. I'm not sure if people feel they can't afford it. If they want my art, now is their chance to get it, because it's extra cheap. It's only $5, that's not much. I can imagine that people might want more detailed drawings, though, but at the moment I don't think I have the patience nor energy to make bigger drawings. Haha, thanks. n_n Indeed it's different, but that's me now. Long hair again. It took quite some time to have my hair grow out again, but I'm finally at the point where I can say my hair is long again. Haha! I only accept Paypal payments at the moment. I don't have a credit card either. xD Hahaha! Whoops! As long as I don't need one, I'm not planning on getting one. For now I can get around just fine with my debit card and Paypal. But the money I earn on Paypal usually goes to fun things, like games I want to buy on Steam or something random from eBay. They're the little things that make me happy. Art money is pocket money for me. So it's not so much necessary to get it, but it's just a pity that no one's commissioning me. But I suppose it leaves me with more time to put in my knitting project.
  2. Haku

    Haku's psyche work

    Here's a picture of me of what I look like right now. It's just the face. My hair has grown a lot. I'll see if I can make a picture where you see my body too, just for some reference.
  3. Haku

    Haku's psyche work

    Thank you. Unfortunately those pictures are at least a year old. I've gained weight since that time. I am officially obese even, as far as I know. I weigh 99 kilograms at the moment and I am 174 cm tall. My ideal weight would be around 67 kilograms, which means I'd have to lose more than 30 kilograms! I'm happy if I weigh 70, because that would already be a massive change. It's the numbers that count too... I am one of those very fortunate people who don't have to worry about fat sitting in just one place of their bodies. The fat really spreads everywhere, so it's not as visible that I am overweight. But even though it doesn't catch your eye too much, it is there and it's supposed to go away. But all in time. I've talked to my psychologist and together we did come to the conclusion that my first plan is still the best: making sure I am happy with myself, accept myself as a person and feel good before losing weight. When I feel happy and have more energy to myself I won't have those enormous food cravings anymore. So that's what I'm going to work towards. Being happy with me as a person and having more energy. Right now I spend too much energy on hurting myself with my thoughts and battling my own thoughts and whatnot. As soon as I start thinking nicer things about myself, being kind to myself, I'll have more energy. Unfortunately people are not commissioning me at the moment. For one, I should have the energy to do those commissions of course, but I did open some slots and people simply don't commission me. I don't know why, because they're actually really cheap. I ask $5 for a flat coloured chibi-like character. Normally I could ask $10 for that, but I'm asking $5 now to make some easy money. I have about 600 watchers on the website where I posted the journal with slots, and simply no reactions. Nothing! So there goes my idea of doing commissions. I tried... It failed. But I'll have a look and see if I can find a picture of my how I look now and stick that in my gallery, then you can see how I've changed and gained weight. >.> It's really the opposite of my goal, but as long as I don't weigh more than 100 kg I'm fine. That's what I've told myself for now. As for the comic convention, unfortunately I didn't fit in my suit (indeed a wolf) anymore. I was sad about that, because it really showed that I had gained that much weight. I ended up thinking some very nasty things about myself, I was waaaay too harsh on myself, starting to think maybe I should just starve myself. Sure, I did come to the conclusion that that's not going to help, but some really nasty thoughts crossed my mind and I panicked and got stressed and got really really sad and angry with myself. In the end I had to ask a friend for help, to calm me down, and she did. Yesterday I talked about this with my psychologist and this is obviously NOT the way to go. In the end I went to the con (it was a 2 day con, but I only went for 1 day, it's very small anyway) as a photographer and took pictures of the other fursuiting people. Oh, and I spent €138 on comics. Hahaha! I usually never buy stuff when I'm at a convention, but this time I thought "Fuck it!" and decided to treat myself to some comics. I got really happy from that.
  4. Haku

    Haku's psyche work

    Haha, thanks. Well, please do keep in mind that it's only one room to keep tidy, and not a whole house. It really helps in making all the tasks go faster, haha! And yeah, I'm a fursuiter. I really like entertaining people (as you might've also guessed from the drawings AND my study animation) and fursuiting is just another way of doing that. It's kind of like street performance, I suppose. You get the immediate reaction, you give people something funny to remember and talk about with their friends/family when they get home. Coming Sunday I will go to the comic con in my city and entertain people there, as I've been invited to do so. I'll get lunch and a free ticket for the con, so in my break I can walk around and check out the stands. Hahahah! Thank you for the star! I'm actually only supposed to get those when I got 5 star statusses in one week, but I suppose that to-do-list was worth a star as well. Awesome! And how come you like those words so much? To me they've become so... normal. xD
  5. Haku

    Haku's psyche work

    When I look at my list of stuff I had to do today, I think I may be proud of myself. Okay, I didn't manage to get everything done, but that was simply impossible with the time and energy I had. I have truly done my best. Right now it's time for me to go to bed, so I will be sort of awake in school tomorrow. I want to install those things on my laptop tomorrow, so it will be completely ready to go for the rest of my graduation. I also need to wash and brush my fursuit tomorrow, because it needs to be dry on Sunday. I've been invited to go and entertain people at the comic con in my city, so I need a clean and neat suit. I also still need to do some reparations, so I can do those some evening this week. But I just want to repost the list here of stuff I did and didn't do, so you (and for myself too, to feel proud) get a better view of all the stuff I've done! I mean, just look at how much bigger that list is of things I've done, compared to the list of things I haven't done!!! I am frekkin' awesome! - Making the mess less messy and putting stuff away in their place - Put clothes in the washing machine - Change the bedsheets to clean ones - Clean the windows - Vacuum clean - Hang up the clothes to dry - Put new load of clothes in the washing machine - Wipe away the lines on the window with a cloth - Do the dishes - Hang up those last clothes to dry - Install Classic Shell on laptop - Install Steam on laptop - Install Office pack on laptop - Install iTunes on laptop - Install Avast on laptop (G did this for me together with deinstalling Norton, because I didn't know how) - Deinstall Norton from laptop - Put all files back on laptop - Dust my room - Put fursuit in the washing machine - Hang up fursuit to dry - Brush fursuit - Install Adobe pack on laptop - Install TV Paint on laptop - Install ArtRage on laptop
  6. Haku

    Haku's psyche work

    Beautiful dreams you listed! They will make warm memories for sure! Haha, well don't be too hard on yourself. Don't call yourself daft. (Actually the word "daft" always makes me think of Daft Punk xD Haha!) I'm really glad to hear this. As for the video, holy moly! It's amazingly piercing, like you said. I'm not sure how I would react if anyone said that to me like that. Most probable reaction would be just telling about all those people of whom I seem to be in the way because of this depression, and crying because I feel miserable and I still feel like I'm the one supposed to keep up the smiling face and being the strong person that people can come to when they're having trouble... I'm not really used to asking for help, I suppose, but I am asking for help more often, I'm reaching out to people these days.. That really is a personal victory. Haha yeah! Those dreams really will make warm memories. They're really on my life's to-do-list and I need to have done those things before I die. There's a lot more on my list, like sky diving, and yelling really loudly in the middle of nowhere, and marrying with a wonderful person, and riding a Kawasaki Z800 and hopefully owning it too, and having a dog, and travel around the world, and learning Japanese, Danish, and maybe Russian... Honestly, I have lots of things to live for. There are so many things I still want in this life, that I feel this life in itself is already too short. Hahaha! It's pretty ironic that I think this, since suicidal thoughts cross my mind every now and then. Hehehe. (dark humour) Ah right. Well, obviously it's not something of the past 2 months. This state of mind is something I'm dealing with since I was very young. I think I was 5 or 6 when it started... I'm 23 now, so I think I've held up pretty well for all those years. Now the breaking point has come for me... Or at least, it's nearing. And I seriously hope I can avoid it all together by just being awesome and getting better with help of my psychologist. Haha! But don't apologise, it's alright. You didn't know the whole situation, so it is only logical that you react only to the stuff I've said. Yeah, I suppose I should get myself some more foods that I can keep in my cupboards for a longer time, in case of emergency. As for the commitment... Like I said, I don't want to die. And exactly the thoughts about the stuff I still want to do and achieve in my life keep me from doing anything to myself. Plus the thought of hurting my loved ones by taking my own life is pretty unbearable. I wouldn't want to hurt them like that. This has been my strategy all those years that I've had these thoughts. And honestly, they were gone for a long time! But lately they've come back and they've started coming more frequently too... I will stick to this strategy because it's working, and I'm actually telling people about these thoughts, so it becomes more difficult for me to actually do it, because I've been open about it. That's also a safety measurement. Usually it seems to work, because from what I've read in the past people who talk about their suicidal thoughts are less likely to actually commit suicide, whereas those who keep it to themselves are more likely to do it. I'm doing this all for the sake of staying alive, really. ------------------------------------------------------- Anyway, I wanted to update what I've been doing today. This morning I went to school and had some useful feedback on my project, because I was kind of getting stuck there, not knowing how to continue... I know how to go on now. Then I quickly went home to wait here for my laptop to come back from reparation... It's still not here and there's only 30 minutes left for them to bring it. Ugh. BUT I have used my time well. I've been cleaning my room while waiting and I'm actually pretty happy with what I've achieved today. I guess being determined to get myself back on track really helped. Today I did: - Making the mess less messy and putting stuff away in their place - Put clothes in the washing machine - Change the bedsheets to clean ones - Clean the windows - Vacuum clean As a little break I played some Pokémon Alpha Sapphire and caught 4 new pokies to add to my Pokédex. I've also sorted the pokies that I hadn't sorted yet in the PC, so now it all looks neat again. The things I still want to do today, and that I will cross off my list here, are: - Hang up the clothes to dry - Put new load of clothes in the washing machine - Dust my room - Wipe away the lines on the window with a cloth - Do the dishes - Hang up those last clothes to dry - Put fursuit in the washing machine - Hang up fursuit to dry - Brush fursuit - Install Classic Shell on laptop - Install Steam on laptop - Install Adobe pack on laptop - Install TV Paint on laptop - Install ArtRage on laptop - Install Office pack on laptop - Install iTunes on laptop - Install Avast on laptop (G did this for me together with deinstalling Norton, because I didn't know how) - Deinstall Norton from laptop - Put all files back on laptop
  7. Haku

    Haku's psyche work

    I know... I know... Like I said, I want to survive. I want to live. Honestly, I do. The problem is these suicidal thoughts crossing my mind every now and then, sometimes stronger than usual. And last weekend was one of those moments. I just saw the opportunity. And I am so glad I could stop myself from actually doing it, because there's still so much in my life that I want to achieve. Besides, since I have these suicidal thoughts for a very long time already I have thought about all kinds of ways. And I know that it's selfish to jump in front of a train, simply because it's quick and effective, because you traumatise the driver, and annoy the people in the train for the delay. It's not okay. But it doesn't matter what kind of suicide you pick, in the end it's selfish anyway, and it will hurt the people that you're close with. It doesn't matter how you do it, it will cause pain to others anyway. It's always in the way. I hadn't thought about the paper plate thing yet, maybe that's a good one. I'll see what I can do. But also one of the problems is that when I walk through the aisles in the shop I don't see anything that I want to eat. I don't feel like anything at all. So usually I end up not buying enough, or forgetting about some meals and then I'm just sitting there like "okay, so there's nothing to eat now... great." I am in my own way with this, and it's annoying. But what did you mean with that it's early to be breaking down? As in, early in the day? Or early in your life? Because if it's the last one, I have to disagree with you. Break downs can happen to anyone, as long as they are stressed enough for a very long time to the point where they can't handle it anymore. I think what you're daring me to do is a good thing in itself, but there's one problem. I don't feel "fun" that strongly anymore. The best reaction I'll have is "heh, that was alright", and I will laugh and stuff, because that's what society asks of me... So I laugh. I'm a great performer, in that sense. The outside just doesn't match up with the inside anymore. And then there's the issue of not having any energy to undertake stuff. I do go riding on my motorbike, though, when the weather is nice and I have enough energy. I really like doing that and I wish I could do it more often. Maybe it's not the kind of fun you're aiming for, because it's not really crazy, but I do like it. But if we're thinking about stuff to still do in your life... I really want to go to the North of North America/Canada to go to the mountains and hear a wolf howl in the wild. And I want to pet/hold a red fox some day. And to sleep in one of those hotels where the rooms are underground, but you have this cupped window above the ground, in a snowy country, so at night you can stand on your bed and look at the night scene of snow. And as for achievements, I want to have an animation film of mine (me being the director) show in the mainstream cinema some day. I just want to make clear that I am not planning on committing suicide. I don't even >want< it. I want to live, because there are plenty of things to live for. But my thoughts are just in the way of that now, and sometimes they race to those weird places where committing suicide seems like a good idea. So far I am stopping myself. I am managing, because I try so hard to survive. The wish of dying is not there... At all. I just don't know what to do with these thoughts. I need them to go away, because they distract me from my schoolwork. They distract me from feeling okay. It's just so weird and hard to explain. But I think I might take the stuff I've written to my psychologist and show her, because it does make clear how bad it is and I think it's just really hard to say stuff out loud. Writing seems to help. Plus the feeling that it's okay to put it here, because people here can be trusted.
  8. Haku

    Haku's psyche work

    Well then, I haven't updated in a whole week! Honestly, I have failed a lot the past week, because of a few reasons. 1) I was gone for a few days and stayed in my dad's house. The days go a bit differently there 2) There was so much going on that I completely forgot about the challenge 3) I have felt horrible the last 2 weeks Now I want to elaborate a bit more on reason 3, because things are really REALLY not going well here. I was standing on the train platform when going back home to my room last weekend and I honestly thought about just jumping in front of the high speed train that was passing. I haven't thought about such things in ages anymore, and it was very confronting that such a thought and urge came up. I'm desperate to survive, but these thoughts sure are very distracting. I've been stressing out completely over school, I'm tired... I barely have energy left. I come back from a day in school and I basically collapse. I don't have lots of food in my fridge anymore, my room is a mess, there's dishes standing on the counter from more than a week (it's not much, because I re-use stuff, but still), there are bags lying all over the place, clothes... My clothes bin is full and I haven't done laundry yet, while I'm slowly running out of clean underwear... Everything just is a mess. I'm a mess. I feel like a mess. Tonight I wanted to cry of exhaustion. Yes, I also wonder why I'm not in bed yet if I'm so tired. I haven't a clue. I just keep going. And it's wearing me out. I've told my psychologist that I'm not doing well, I've told my teachers... But I haven't told them about the train episode yet. I won't tell my teachers, but next time I see my psychologist in person again I will tell her... I'm really on a breaking point, that's what it feels like. I just want all the pain, sadness, tiredness and whatnot to go away. I want to function normally, do my schoolwork, have fun with friends without getting exhausted after the smallest thing. I know, I'm all over the place with telling this stuff, it feels like my text isn't coherent at all, and if I am right about that... I'm sorry. Obviously my mind is not the clearest right now. I will keep going to school, to stick to a daily rhythm, I will do my work as far as I can... This week I want to focus on getting my room tidy again. I need to do the dishes, clear away all the mess, do laundry a few times, I need to clean my room too (vacuum cleaning and dusting)... I think it will give me rest in my head when my surroundings are clean and neat. At least, I hope so. It's worth a shot, right? Anyway, now you know what stuff is going on, why I haven't posted in a while. I'll try to keep up again, but please know that right now my priorities lie with surviving and preventing to rot away and not with whether I do my squats in the morning and have fruit for breakfast...
  9. Haku

    Haku's psyche work

    Week 3 - Day 16 - [Tuesday] Glass of water - win Fruit for breakfast - win/fail Morning squats - win/fail Evening squats - win/fail
  10. Haku

    Haku's psyche work

    Aww, thank you Gobnait. As for the three symbolism... Usually that sneaks into my images without even knowing. I usually make my images through intuition, what feels right to my eyes... And somehow my eyes seem to like three symbolism. xD This is the so-manieth time already that it has snuck in. As for the dreams because of the moon, I hadn't even thought of that yet, but that could very well be the cause. Who knows. In all dreams I did seem to have the same feeling, like something can go wrong at any moment. Kind of an anticipating feeling. So maybe my mind is trying to tell me something, making me aware that I'm anticipating for something?.. I wonder what, though. Hahaha. ;P Glad you liked reading about it. I really felt the need to put it out there, because I don't have dreams often and these dreams were quite vivid actually. It seemed very real, even when I think about it there wasn't really anything that gave away that it was a dream. And yeeeey! Art! I'm sure I'll post some more artwork on here over the time, because it plays a significant part in my life.
  11. Haku

    Haku's psyche work

    I finished a new drawing today and I just felt like sharing it. I hope you all like it. I know I'm spamming my thread with drawings, but they actually give me energy, when I finish them, so to me it's an important part of getting my energy back. Hence I want to share. Plus I like to entertain people. Hehe!
  12. Haku

    Haku's psyche work

    Haha, I dunno. Probably because you didn't expect me to start my challenges again now? xD But thanks. Unfortunately it stopped a bit with all the wins this weekend, but I'm determined to start again this week and not give up. Oh, my weekend was awesome. I only did things that I liked. I've watched the 3rd season of Vikings, watched 2 films, I made a motorbike trip on my own yesterday evening... I did cheat a little bit, because at times I was curious about some things on whatsapp, so I ended up still sending some messages. But the freedom to not send messages was there, simply because I didn't feel like it. And I didn't feel guilty about not sending anything back. I haven't done anything for school, unfortunately, but my head simply didn't feel like it, so because of that I didn't do anything. However, I do feel I have some energy back, now that I know my laptop is being fixed, and now that I've had this weekend with time for myself. I really hope I can keep this feeling of energy to myself this week, so I can work with it. Anyway, for the weekend... Week 2 - Day 12 - [Friday] Glass of water - win Fruit for breakfast - win Morning squats - fail Evening squats - win Week 2 - Day 13 - [saturday] Glass of water - win Fruit for breakfast - win Morning squats - fail Evening squats - fail Week 2 - Day 14 - [sunday] Glass of water - win Fruit for breakfast - win Morning squats - fail Evening squats - fail And the list for today... Week 3 - Day 15 - [Monday] Glass of water - win Fruit for breakfast - win Morning squats - win Evening squats - fail Tonight I dreamt a lot, but I can only remember little bits. I went somewhere with a friend of mine, Daan, where Stunter 13 (my favourite motorbike stunter) was too, and he did some tricks, so we could see a little show. Then at some point, when Stunter 13 was lying down somewhere on a bench or so, and Daan and I were talking, Daan asked "So what's Stunter 13's stunt name?" And I was like "Seriously dude..? You're that dense? That IS his stunt name. His real name is Rafal Pasierbek." But this went all in Dutch, so Rafal heard his name and he jumped up and he was like "You guys are talking about me!" and so I explained what we said. And then there was some talking that I don't remember, but in any case... I did dream about Rafal again. And it's strange to all of a sudden dream about someone you're actually a big fan of. It always has that weird feeling. I also had a dream where I had to fight for a laptop, because there was important data on there and there was this lady who grabbed me (it was all taking place in my dad's house for some reason) while I tried to erase that data, because no one was supposed to see it... They were old school assignments of mine, but for some reason they were VERY important. So I fought and fought in order to get that laptop, then a friend distracted her and I had to grab everything, put it in a bag, and we had to go to the bus, so she wouldn't be able to follow us... >.> AND there was a dream about me having to get someone who was preparing for a festival by riding around some really big agricultural machines. Yeahhhh. I have no clue what that was about. So tonight I have been VERY active in my head. It's probably the fault of the pizza I had yesterday evening, because cheese makes me dream a lot. xD Got that from my mum. But it was worth it. At least they weren't nightmares.
  13. Haku

    Haku's psyche work

    Thank you for those reassuring words, because that's exactly what I tend to think... That I'm being selfish when I put myself first. But I'm glad I've chosen to have this weekend for myself. n_n I'm really looking forward towards it, and actually getting excited over it!
  14. Haku

    Haku's psyche work

    Week 2 - Day 11 - [Thursday] Glass of water - win Fruit for breakfast - win Morning squats - fail Evening squats - fail Today I went to the psychologist again, and talked about my dad not letting me eat or nag about me going to the toilet.. We talked about various scenario's of what could've been and all of them end up being pretty horrible. We came to the conclusion (which I have concluded myself before in the past) that it's impossible to change my dad and that the only thing I can really do is either to go along with what he wants, to get into discussion and do battle, or to avoid those kinds of situations all together. Having that discussion is pretty much impossible for now, because I'm not mentally ready for that yet, and avoiding is also pretty much impossible. I don't see my dad very often, but when I do see him it's usually a whole day. Right now the best thing I can do is simply to put up with it, work on my mental strength, and when I am ready I can confront him with the horrible stuff he does. We've also discussed me going downhill with my energy at the moment and that I should prevent falling into that dark pit again. So because of that, we've come up with the plan that this weekend I will not put on the wifi on my mobile phone, so I can't be disturbed with WhatsApp or Telegram messages, nor will I be chatting with people on FaceBook. I will simply isolate myself this weekend, and only do things that give me energy. So what I have to do is make my room liveable (meaning I have to take out the trash and make sure it looks tidy) and do fun things, like drawing and watching films and sleep enough. And before I start the weekend, I need to make sure I have enough food in the fridge, because it's kind of empty and so there's not much for me to eat at the moment. For my groceries (which I'll be doing tomorrow) I want to buy healthy and delicious things. I also want to make sure I throw away all the old stuff in the fridge, so it doesn't stand in the way anymore and that my fridge actually looks like a place where healthy and fresh foods are collected. So the stuff I will buy is fruit (for breakfast), probably 2 salads, one for each weekend day (I'm thinking about buying Cesar salad, but there are so many delicious choices!), a bag of carrots, a mini bucket of snack-cucumbers, unsalted nuts, fresh chicken, eggs... And probably a fruit smoothie (it's 100% fruit and no weird nasty additives) to treat myself. Oh, and I need some more herbal tea. I want to make sure that this weekend will give me a boost. I want to feel more energetic and well-rested when I'm starting school again. I think that taking care of myself this weekend, allowing myself enough sleep, enough vitamins, enough rest, enough fun, and NO STRESS whatsoever, will really help me feel better, and I honestly hope it'll bring back my energy and make sure I won't fall into that dark pit of depression this time. It's hard work, because I find it very hard to set my limits and make them clear to other people, but this will definitely be the limit, and anyone who has to contact me just has to do so after the weekend. They'll simply have to wait. This weekend is time for me.
  15. Haku

    Haku's psyche work

    Week 2 - Day 10 - [Wednesday] Glass of water - win Fruit for breakfast - win Morning squats - fail Evening squats - fail Today was meh. A short lesson of half an hour, in which me and my writing group had to ask each other questions. Then some guy from the 3rd year came bothering us with this huge religious story directed at a classmate of mine (I was sitting right next to it and couldn't keep my mouth shut, so I became part of the happening) that he had to change his ways and whatnot, and he wasn't making any sense because he was contradicting himself constantly and he was wasting our time. When I got home I had to help a friend carry her new terrarium inside and then all my productivity was gone. I was tired. So I made a commission drawing instead, which was nice, and then I had to leave to go to a friend of mine, where I'd have dinner... Basically I haven't felt I really had time to myself today AND I didn't get any homework done. T_T DAMMIT I'm so tired of people distracting me from my work and ALWAYS asking for my attention. GAHHH!!! *minirage* Okay, time to go to bed now. I'm tired, not doing any squats anymore. I'm friggin' grumpy.
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