ashcension

Hi Eve! Yes, hiking definitely makes me feel stronger, more badass for sure! I realize that I'm capable of much more than I usually allow myself to do, which is really invigorating I was so sore after, but I took a full day to rest afterards before working out again, which was good Looking forward to getting in one over-night backpacking trip each month through October! Yay for the gorgeous warm weather to come! This weekend was all about self-care. I managed to really moderate the alcohol (for me)--2 drinks Friday, 1 drink Saturday, and 2 drinks today, which freed up a lot of time, space, and energy. I got a lot of cleaning in (my mother in law is coming up to visit in a few weeks and me and my husband still haven't completely unpacked since moving in December, so I have some inspiration to hurry up). This morning I went shopping with my best friend, bought some really cute clothes, and then I went to Lush. My friend has been raving about these bath bombs, and I'm sooooo excited to write about them. I got this one: http://www.lushusa.com/Big-Blue/00032,en_US,pd.html#start=6 It turned the water a deep turquoise, fizzy, and soo soft, with sea weed, sea salt and lavender. I used a face mask I bought there too for my skin type (dry and sensitive) called The Sacred Truth. I lit candles, drank a glass of red wine, and red Chainfire, the fantasy novel I'm reading right now. Then I did my nails. I think I have a date with myself every Sunday night doing just this from now on, but with different bath bombs! 1/3 of the way through the challenge. I gained a couple lbs back, but I'm still at a total of -1lb, and telling myself my muscles are retaining water from working them so hard. I was sore all week from strength training exercises. Feel like I'm on the right track, and telling myself that I don't need instant results, I just need to stick to it this time... Hope you're all doing well!!

Alright, I'm back on track now. The weekend was fantastic, I really needed to be away from the city, and counted both days toward my self-care goal. I also counted both days as successes for working out, since I hiked for about 4 hours each day, and was SUPER incredibly sore at the end of it! The hike in was pretty much all downhill, and the hike out was pretty much all uphill. The last hour, my muscles were basically sreaming at me to stop (it felt like a 50 degree angle up with like, 30 lbs on my back), but I managed back to the car, with lots of breaks. I'm counting these two days as under 1800 calorie days since I'm guessing I burned hella calories hiking, but I did not keep track. On Monday (yesterday) I was so sore and tired that I tried to take a personal day, but realized that I had too much work to get done that would just pile up, so I ended up doing a lot of work from home, but it was nice. I didn't dare work out cause I could barely walk without limping lol, but me and Aaron (my husband) ended up going to a hot tub to help soothe our muslces and unwind, which was brilliant and a perfect form of self-care for the day. Ate out twice, then went to the movies (finally saw the "Grand Budapest Hotel," plus popcorn, butter, and Reese's...), so I pretty much botched the calorie goal yesterday, but today I am back on track. Ate 1900, burned 640 (net 1260), did a 57 minute lower body Tabata workout and 6 min HIIT, and got back into my meditating. Looking forward to keeping the self-care up through the week and the rest of this challenge. It really helps so much.

Hehe, yes, work hard and play hard has always been my motto! For today, I'm going to count my self-care as something that is technically part of my work day. I'm a school-based therapist, and I still see the kids I work with during spring break, so I'm taking a couple of the boys that I work with to these beautiful botanical gardens near UC Berkeley that I LOVE, maybe teach them some mindfulness, play some games, bring a picnic. These outings with kids are usually exhausting, but I've designed this one to hopefully be good for both the kids AND for me Then the evening will be preparing for the big forest adventure over the weekend!

Hi Naaria! I LOVE that you worked in some clothes shopping and walked away with awesome purchases that you're excited about! That's my favorite form of self-care! AND if you walked enough to hurt your feet you just know that you got in some good exercise. Double whammy! I was happy to read about your happy mood! It definitely brought a lightness to my heart and a smile to my face Thank you for sharing it!

Wow Nirvi, I'm so impressed and amazed by your ability to go into such challenging, nerve-wrecking situations with courage and confidence and a level-head. You're clearly a superheroine, and your city and the people in it are incredibly lucky to have you

Very true Nirvi! Thank you guys for the support! Day 3: So Wednesday I ate 1920 calories and burned off 720 with an hour long lower body cardio workout that literally kicked my ass. I felt sore instantly and drank a bunch of this green tea for muscle recovery by Yogi Tea. I meditated for 20 minutes (Hidden Valley of the Elves meditation on youtube). AND I took the time to paint my nails (sea foam green), which I ALWAYS want to do but never find the time to. When I stepped on the scale this morning, I was 141.0 lbs, so I've dropped 3.2 lbs since Sunday. I'm guessing that much of the weight was water weight, female fluctuation weight, or weight from my Saturday New Orleans style feast I indulged in, so I'm trying not to worry about the dropping too much too fast thing. I can absolutely tell that my muscles are getting stronger already, my shoulders, butt, thighs, and core are all super sore and I'm extremely grateful for a no-exercise day of rest tomorrow. Day 4: Today I ate about 1850 calories and burned off 450 doing 40 minutes of kickboxing. Some seriously, seriously sloppy kickboxing... really wanted to throw in the towel but managed to make it through. I also spent about 45 minutes making my stepdad a birthday card, so I counted that in for my creativity goal (I kinda loathe greeting cards, but my whole family seems to think that you don't love them if you don't send them, so...) Also did a heal the planet meditaiton for 20 minutes today.

Day One: I completed a 63 minute cardio and ab workout from Fitness Blender, just BARELY hit my 1400 calorie mark (ate about 2100, including a glass of wine... worked off 700), meditated for 20 min, AND did a bunch for my self-care goal! I did 2 loads of laundry and decided to be adventurous and got high up into the hills of Oakland and watch the lunar eclipse (thus the glass of wine) in the forest. It was nice to make the time for something like that during the week, and really focus on being present for something so gorgeous, even though I was super tired. So worth it!!! Day Two: Just hit the 1400 calorie mark (ate like 1700, burned 300), I completed my 50 minute Fitness Blender workout (strength training for the arms--my triceps are buuurning). Me and my husband Aaron hosted a couple of friends for dinner tonight, which has been really nice (cut myself off at 2 glasses of wine, and I'm done with drinking til Friday now). I think it might mean using today as a short, 5 minute meditation day too, which is okay. SERIOUSLY looking forward to this weekend!!! Me and Aaron are going for an overnight backpacking trip, which has been really much-needed. My job has been leaving me so overwhelmed and exhausted most days and weeks that I mostly just lay around bewildered all weekend, and have a hard time motivating myself, then just get sucked into another week of exhaustion. I really need to escape the Bay Area, get some fresh air, hang out in some trees, sit around a campfire, have a magical adventure Work in some awesome hiking calorie burn while I'm at it too. May even wear my heart rate monitor while hiking just to get a sense of what the burn is per hour.

Oooo, loving the yoga leggings, AND the Paleo coffee recipe! Are you doing your meditations from doyogawithme too? Always looking for more resources for mixing up the meditations (still like the training wheels of a guided meditation to keep me away from my busy busy mind). Great food photos and recipe ideas, you're bringing back some of the Paleo-inspiration I lost Beautiful work so far!!

Hi Naaria! I think you've been doing amazing so far!!! Remember that it's not about avoiding mistakes, but how we allow ourselves to recover from them that's important. Mistakes are part of the process, right? Sounds like you already have that down though--tomorrow will be a better day, plus soothing scents and naptime! If we didn't have less than perfect days we wouldn't be able to have super badass awesome days lol. Glad you were able to turn the day around I like the shift from "stay positive" to "self-care," being positive feels more subjective, self-care more tangible and definable. Oooo, you use vetiver too? I just started experimenting with essential oils, stood around and sniffed EVERYTHING for like 30 minutes in a Body Time shop, and chose to take home vetiver and eucalyptus (not mixed but separate). Vetiver makes me feel like I'm in a magical forest Very appropriate for druids! Keep up the awesomeness!! The GoogleDoc is looking good!

Lots to report on! Sooo, on Sunday I did my first official day of Fitness Blender's 8 week workout plan (Round 3), which included doing a Physical Fitness Test. So I have those results, as well as the "super-fun" weighing in and measuring stuff, AND I took my before photos (which I'll compare to my "after" photos at the end). I looked back at my stats from the first challenge I did, and have gained 2 lbs and 2 inches around my hips (oh, the joys of being a pear). Hopefully I can shed that relatively fast and get back on track. Weight: 144.2 lbs Thigh: 23.5 in Hips: 41 in Waist: 28 in Bust: 35 in Physical Fitness Test: 1 Mile Run: 8 min 37 sec Push Ups: 7 Full, 10 Half Squats: 45 with 16 lb. weights Static Plank: 1 min 5 sec Sit and Reach: 4.5 in So yeah, I have TONS of data (weight, measurements, physical performance, AND pics) to help me see my progress. As hard as it is to gather all of this, it does make me feel more committed, so it's a good thing Taking pix from straight on, the side, and back is so awkward and unflattering! Was also really pleased with my mile time, considering it's only about a minute slower then my high school mile time! Granted, I felt like I was going to yack at the end, but I feel great about it lol.

Hi Sunmage, My first challenge I actually made eating Paleo (80% of the day, 5 days/week) one of my goals, and at the end of the challenge I weighed exactly the same! Right now, I'm kicking myself for not taking measurements at the end, that was silly... I really love the whole Paleo thing, but it took a lot of willpower and there were a lot of grey areas for me that made it hard for me to tell if I was doing it right or going lax on myself (no chocolate?? no oatmeal?? no legumes!?). I will probably give it another go before the year is up though. Haven't counted calories for a while, but feel like I need these "training wheels" to get back in touch with how much I'm actually consuming and deter me from binge eating cookies and drinking excess calories. I hear you on slow and steady tho I'm eating plenty, just burning a lot of it off with workouts! Thanks and good luck to you as well!

Hi Eve Yes, looking at inches is super important I know, for when that scale just won't budge.. So for my calorie goal, I'm saying that for a day like today, when I did an hour long workout and burned 700 calories, I'll actually eat like 2000 calories so I end up with a net of around 1300. So I'm still eating plenty and getting lots of nutrients (I think) but creating that deficit. I've heard a lot of different theories about eating back and not eating back workout calories, but I've gone below 1200 net by not eating them back before and my body reacted by not budging at all on the scale for days after (even after re-upping the calories), so I realized it went into starvation mode (yikes, and oops)... Glad to have someone working with the alcohol goal too! Yesterday I drank like 500 cal in hard ginger beer, so will try to really limit it through this week! And yes, we've got this!

Hey Naaria! I totally stole the formatting for the GoogleDoc from another Nerd Fitnesser during my first challenge back in November I'm finding that if it itakes more than like, 20 seconds to log my progress, I'm less likely to log, and if I don't log, I'm less likely to be proactive about my goals! Yay for accountabilibuddies! It looks like we have similar goals

Yay, thank you Nirvi! I appreicate it!! I will do the same

Hey everyone, I've completed one challenge thus far, but this will be the third that I've attempted. For my second challenge, I got a little bit too overenthusiastic about goal-making, bit off WAY more than I could chew, and ended up choking. So I bowed out of Round 2 but I'm happy to be back here to have the chance to try again This time, I won't make the same mistake--I'm going to keep things nice and simple this time. QUEST: To become happier, healthier, more confident, and more resilient physically, emotionally, and mentally. That's the most important goal, however I am also hoping to either lose some lbs or inches by the end of this challenge. 1. Work out 6 days/week STR +1, DEX +2, STA +2 I will be using the 8 week FitnessBlender.com workout plan (Round 3) as my guide, and for the most part just following along with what it tells me to do each day. However, I'm going to allow wiggle room to accomodate for whatever comes up in my life (substitute hiking if I go on a trip, then jump back into the Fitness Blender plan where I left off). I LOVE Fitness Blender because I NEVER get bored with it. When I was doing Brazil Butt Lift for months at a time, I would start dreading days when I had to do certain workouts, because I'd be so bored from doing it for the hundreth time. Fitness Blender has over 250 workouts for free online! 2. Maintain calorie deficit: 1400 max 5 days/week, 1800 max the other 2 days/week (net calories) CON +2, STA +2 I'm not crazy about counting calories, but it has worked before, so I'm guessing it can work again. I have this Lose It! app on my Android that makes it really easy, and knowing I am logging calories is honestly enough to keep me from making the majority of my bad food choices. Although I threw in the towel for the Paleo lifestyle, I do want to continue to eat predominantly healthy, whole foods, lots of veggies and fruits, whole grains, unprocessed food, and the like. Also, I attempted two goals last challenge that involved being moderate with alcohol and chocolate intake. Basically, I'm thinking that having to log how many *calories* I am drinking (sigh, massive quantities of empty calories) may be more effective than giving myself a cut off of how many drinks I'm "allowed" to have on a given night. We shall see... 3. Meditate for 20 min 5 days/week, and 5 min+ the other 2 days/week WIS +2, CHA +2 I have an account with Yogaglo.com and I love their guided meditations. I also use these Middle Earth meditations that can be found on Youtube. Basically, I've noticed that when I take the time to meditate, I become more at ease with myself, comfortable, confident, and connected with myself. When I don't meditate for a few days, I find myself becoming apathetic, disconnected, and anxious. So meditating basically boosts my chances of being able to succeed in any and every OTHER goal I'm aiming toward. This one is SUPER important. 4. Engage in self-care, creativity, leisure reading, or cleaning for 15 min+ on 5 days/week. WIS +1, CHA +1 I know I know, that doesn't seem like it should be too hard, right? Yet somehow I manage to go 5 days at a time without doing any of these things. I've got this job that is basically sucking me dry of the great majority of my mental and emotional energy, so when I get home I often feel like a zombie. My goal is to force myself to do even 15 min of any of these things on a regular basis. I know I will feel a lot better for it. I made a GoogleDocs tracker to help me keep track of how I'm doing: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0Am0PC49Jb9sOdDM1dzV1UXp3X1k3ZXhsczJTZlFiU1E&usp=sharing Feel free to check it and cheer me on! *ALSO* I could really use an accountabilibuddy, please message me if you are looking for someone to keep you on track and feel you could do the same for me! Good luck everyone!!! -Ashcension

Hi Evenewbie! Yes, now that it's week two I'm really understanding why NF says to keep the # of goals to a minimum. Each one really does take a lot of willpower and focus, and a couple are falling to the wayside as a result (waking up early is just not happening). I've been too lazy to count my calories, too, which may actually be a good thing. When I'm cheating on the Paleo diet, it's mostly things that aren't really bad (pita bread and hummus, quinoa, chocolate), so I feel good about mostly staying on track with that and just really focusing on working out and meditating too. Luckily, my waking up goal is a "one unit class" so to speak, so it won't totally wreck my ability to level up The alcohol moderation is going really well! Surprised at how easy it was to shift down from 5 max to 4 max on Fridays, hoping to push through strong again this week. Here's my google doc tracker again: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0Am0PC49Jb9sOdFM0dDJFZHJsUlVTOUx2UDlBRXJicUE&usp=sharing Hope you guys had a kick ass first week

Hehe, I like your sound effect--"whooosh." That's totally what it sounds like, Wandern TigerTiger--I'm totally going to make a date with a girlfriend this weekend to make these! Seriously, homemade, customizable chocolates with all natural ingredients, maximum cacao, coconut oil and honey--this sounds like the holy grail of happiness I will let you know how mine come out! Thank you for this!

Hi TigerTiger! Oooo, I'm so happy you told me about making your own chocolate. I'm obsessed with fancy, organic, creative chocolate bars (Dagoba was my gateway brand and it's spiralled upward from there), but it never dawned on me I could make my own! That's brilliant! Would love to know your recipe! I'm looking into which cacao to use and Navitas looks solid, which do you use? And you can add other things to it like spices or chili or ginger or coconut I'm guessing? The calorie counting is kind of hit or miss for me, today I've failed at keeping track. I think keeping a vague eye on my calories in an abstract way is keeping me from gorging myself on bacon and such lol. I'm relatively new to cooking (last few years) and super new to Paleo cooking, but I love everydaypaleo.com -- this recipe for lamb sliders using sweet potatoes to replace the bun is awesome: http://everydaypaleo.com/lamb-sliders/ Good luck to you as well and thanks!!

Hey Wandern, thanks for the good wishes! I knoow it is a ton of goals! I'm mostly taking my 4 goals from the last challenge and just adding two easy ones (the chocolate and waking up). I'm finding it's super easy to at least attempt each every day because keeping track of them (minus the calorie counting) only takes about 5 minutes. Here's my google docs excel tracker: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0Am0PC49Jb9sOdFM0dDJFZHJsUlVTOUx2UDlBRXJicUE&usp=sharing I think the reason I'm trying to really kick it into gear this time is because at the end of last challenge I didn't lose any weight and only lost like .5 inches around my thighs and .5 inch around my waist (nothing off my hips or chest), and my clothes still felt like they fit roughly the same. I was exercising 5-6 days/week for about 1 hr each day (but eating a bacon heavy Paleo diet lol...). I would've been happy dropping a jeans size with no weight loss, but I had no such luck. The 1300 calorie thing is hard though, mostly because I don't like counting and I stop mid-day lol. But yeah, like yesterday I'm feeling I ate about 2000 and then burned about 650 with some HIIT, so I feel like I'm still getting plenty of nutrients. On the bright side I weighed in today and I'm at 144.2. It was probably water weight but it's a good start. The waking up early goal is kicking my ass though. I'll try harder tomorrow and Friday on that one.

Day 1: So I woke up and faced reality by stepping on the scale, so I had a clear picture of where I was starting from. I weigh 145.8, so I gained 4 lbs over the holidays. That means that I have about 12 lbs. to lose to reach this goal. With 6 weeks, that means I'd have to lose 2 lbs/week, which is just doable. I had a pretty hardcore Paleo day: a breakfast salad, a lettuce and turkey wrap, cashews, a giant gourmet salad, tea, coffee with coconut milk and truvia, and I did zumba for 40 minutes. I meditated, woke up on time. Overall a good day, jut have 20 minutes left to work out and dinner to cook. Hope everyone is having a good first day of their challenge. Btw, I'm looking for an accountabilibuddy if anyone is interested in checking in a few times a week for specific goals!

Hello everyone This is my second challenge, and I'm ready to kick my butt into gear again. My goal last time was to lose weight, however I weighed exactly the same at the end of the challenge as at the beginning. I'm not overweight, but I have a stubborn 10 lbs. I would like to get rid of. I tend to gain a few lbs, and lose a few lbs, but my body has decided that it likes being at 142 and I'd like to shift that number downward. Last challenge, I made amazing strides in consistency and gaining a sense of groundedness through cultivating a regular meditation practice and exercising regularly. Since the holidays, I have gained a few pounds and would like to start this year off with laser-sharp focus and clear intentions, while also being compassionate and patient with myself throughout the journey. My goal weight is 134 lbs. 1. Become a Paleo Princess - CON + 3 I want to be hardcore about the Paleo lifestyle, and that means eating 80% Paleo 5 days/week. Last challenge, I would totally give myself credit if I was closer to 65% Paleo that day. This time, I want to be extremely honest with myself in order to encourage myself to make the best possible choices throughout the day. Last challenge, I was hoping that the Paleo diet alone would gently shift my weight, but in order to have a better chance of success I've decided to count calories this time, with a net calorie goal of 1300/day. 2. Regular Workouts - DEX +1, STR + 1, STA + 1 My goal is to work out 6 days/week for 1 hr+ each day. I have tons and tons of options as far as workouts go, including Brazil Butt Lift, Zumba, yogaglo.com, fitnessblender.com, etc. I just have to be sure to do it! I will also be using a heart rate monitor to see how many calories I burn during the workouts so I have an accurate sense of my net calories. 3. Regular Meditation - WIS +2, CHA +1 My goal is to meditate 10 minutes/day, 5 days/week. I've been using yogaglo.com for short guided meditations, and I've also been really into these Middle Earth meditations on youtube. I gradually worked my way up to 5 days/week last challenge, and by the end I was able to sit for much longer than 10 minutes, and it felt amazing. I'm really looking forward to continuing to connect with myself in this way and help me manage my stress and anxiety proactively. 4. Alcohol Moderation - CON +2, WIS +2 This one is so crucial. All of my goals end up being intertwined and inevitably affecting one another, but none so obviously as this one. When I overindulge, it often means that my workout, diet, and meditation goals for the next day or two are totally blown. I suspect that drinking is throwing a giant monkey wrench in my weight loss goals. Last challenge, I was only keeping track of Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, but I noticed that I was drinking more throughout the week than I had been in the past year. This challenge, I am going to keep track of every day. My goal is to have no more than 2 drinks from Monday through Thursday, no more than 4 drinks Friday, no more than 5 on Saturday, and no more than 3 on Sunday. Ideally, I would like to drink less than this, extra credit points if I do lol. 5. Chocolate Moderation - WIS +1 I am a chocolate monster! If left unchecked, I will eat whole boxes at a time! Trying to quit chocolate has not worked though, and only made the inner beast more ferocious! Because of this, I'm going to eat no more than 2 squares/pieces of chocolate (totaling no more than roughly 100 calories) each day, and be really mindful and grateful of it instead of wolfing it down greedily. 6. Wake Up Early - WIS +1 During the last challenge, I did a boot camp Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays from 6:30-7:30am for 6 weeks. And it was freaking COLD!!! To get there at 6:30am I was waking up at 5:45am, so I shouldn't have too much of a problem waking up by 6:15am Monday-Friday. That's my goal! That'll give me about an hour to work out or meditate in the morning, and then I can squeeze in whatever is left over in the evening. Through this challenge and always, I'm hoping to cultivate a stronger mind-body-spirit connection. In the past, trying to "control" my diet and fitness has turned me into a mean-spirited drill sergeant with myself (which has often led to rebelling against myself). This time, I want to create an internal shift in which I am doing these things because I choose to, because I want to, because it makes me happier and healthier and stronger. And I know there are going to be times that I want to skip a workout or eat a quesadilla and it will be hard. But I'm going to hold firm because I know that there is another part of me, a part I am trying to align with more fully, that's on the path to becoming a bad-ass, magical druid that doesn't back down from challenges when things get tough! Best of luck to all of you in your challenges!!!

This is pretty late in the making, but better late than never. I did complete my challenge, looks like about a B average, I think overall I did well in changing patterns and habits. However, I don't believe I lost any weight. Looks like my body is pretty stubbornly holding out at 142 lbs, but I'm hoping I gained some muscle at least lol. I'm thinking about counting calories as part of the next challenge so that I have a better chance of actually losing weight, as much as I hate counting calories. But I really do love the progress I made with meditation and learning to wake up early for working out. By the end of the challenge, I was able to meditate for so much longer without feeling anxious and antsy. So overall it was a success

Hey IronGlider! Thanks so much!!! Over the past week, I've totally fallen off the wagon, but I'm looking forward to the next challenge and refining my goals for it! Hope you had a great holiday

Doing Paleo today seemed impossible due to a (basically) mandatory holiday dinner with my bosses and coworkers at a restaurant--lots of breads, cheese, dips, etc. On the bright side, I didn't stuff myself or anything, which is often my instinct around free, buttery, garlicky bread. I will make tomorrow and Friday strong Paleo days though, and it'll all balance out. I managed to work in two meditations today, doing a total of 30 min, and am really feeling an unfolding in the practice. Definitely feel like I'm coming into some greater harmony in some ways--in other ways feeling like something is churning and needing to shift but not sure quite what yet. Work has been a bit more challenging this week and I really need to practice self-confidence/tapping into my strength so that I can offer my best to the families I work with. I just need to push through Friday and then I'll get a bit of a break... Did two workouts today and feeling good about that! My plans for tomorrow's workouts are the 25 minute Brazil Butt Lift Bum Bum workout and then maybe a little yoga or Zumba...

Another great 80% Paleo day: spinach, eggs, tomato, and sausage for breakfast, same salad as yesterday for lunch, carrots, banana, 2 tangerines, and then a lamb burger wrapped in lettuce instead of bread. My teensy 20% of "cheating" came in the form of mayo on the burger, and a couple small pieces of breaded and fried zucchini. Oh yeah, and my two pieces of chocolate. I'm trying to incorporate two new habits into my lifestyle right now--2 pieces of chocolate per night (up to 100ish calories total), and no eating after 8pm. I'll make exceptions of course for the holidays--my goal is 5 treats during the holidays per day. Which is a HUGE improvement over my baseline of 15ish/day. I did the Brazil Butt Lift Bum Bum workout today, then 40 minutes of Zumba. I'm exhausted. May hit the sack early. I reallly need to look into getting some protein powder. CHOCOLATE protein powder. I think I need some kind of supplement to keep my energy level and strength up. I woke up really sore and tired this morning (overslept by 45 minutes). It had been a while since I used weights in working out, and it kicked my butt.