namelesswonder

I'll be another to plug boric acid capsules. Definitely wear pantyliners throughout treatment, but it's crazy effective.

It's taken me a pretty big conscious effort, but I pretty much don't think about nipping out anymore. I kind of forced myself to desensitize because I stopped wearing bras to work for a while. That was nerve-wracking.

Camp Nerd Fitness was incredible. I'll write more later. My body is doing well. I have some thoughts about how I want to plan out my progression, but I'll wait until I'm on a real keyboard to expand on that.

I think this one mostly boils down to genetics unless there's some kind of hormonal imbalance at play.

I think that whole "society and patriarchy" bit comes into play when it's not just comparison, it's comparison that makes you feel bad. It's one thing to think "She's not like me" and it's another to think "She's not like me and she looks better than me." THAT is something we learn. I try to be really conscious of my internal judgements. One thing that has a had a huge impact on how I view body weight and physical ability in other people is my chronic injuries. I don't take the stairs because it HURTS to take the stairs. So fuck you very much, Mr. Felt Compelled to Comment on Lazy People Taking the Escalator, some of us need the assistance. And even if I didn't, who fucking cares? It's not any of my business why someone takes the stairs, the escalator, or the elevator. I just try to re-direct my thoughts into good will. "I hope that person is having a good day." "I hope that person is enjoying that cheeseburger." I don't care if it's their cheat day or their regular, everyday burger for dinner. I've also tried to stop using qualifiers for my body state. I'm not in the "worst" shape of my life so far... I just am. I am just existing in this body. Would I like to look/feel differently? Yes, absolutely, but that's not within my realm of capability right now. So I'm choosing contentment and patience and shoving it down my own throat until it doesn't feel like effort.

Got the new PT prescription, initial evaluation next week. I am struggling on the food front. Breakfast is mostly green smoothies because that's all that appeals to me so early in the morning, but they aren't filling. Lunch has been a mix of sandwiches, wraps, and buying something in the caf. I wish eating just cherries or grapes could fill me up because that sounds great!

Still really enjoying my new job, but exhausted all the time! We're getting into a busy time of year too (back to school) so it's only going to get busier for the next month+. I hope I am not a pile of exhaustion for Camp Nerd Fitness. I am trying to get a new prescription for my wrists, specifically for PT and not OT (what it's for now). The facility near work only does PT. I'm doing my best on my own, but there's a lot of fluctuation throughout the week between good days and bad days and re-aggravating things.

I've heard the Thinx underwear works for incontinence (not just periods). Might be something to try for running?

Some randomness: An interesting conversation I had with a friend after I came out... She is also bi, and also in the situation of being in an apparently heteronormative relationship, getting married to a cis-guy, never dated women, etc. For women (maybe just particularly in the US or Western culture) it can be super confusing growing up with how open girl friendships can be. Like, it's okay to change in the same room as each other, okay to compliment each other's bodies & appearance etc. So when you're not sure if you're attracted to a body or *just* admiring... that's really confusing. Especially for me as someone who is kinda ace (rarely sexually attracted to anybody, don't fantasize about anybody other than my husband). I spent a lot of time wondering if I was "looking" at other women too much, which probably should have been a tip-off :p. I have to say, when I was going to regular workout classes at Orange Theory Fitness, I was never sure if I was admiring booties/bodies just because they were aesthetically nice or I kinda wished I could touch it. (speaking in gender binary terms, but only because I'm not sure how to cover the gender spectrum when there is a difference for me in how I'm attracted to more feminine/masculine appearing people)

My new job is pretty good, so much going on that it's been hard to process how I feel about it really! My forearms & wrists took a hit from my commute via public transportation. Swinging around on the bars in the bus/train is really really bad for them. My legs aren't happy either from walking/trying to stand on swaying platforms. I will be trying two things: wearing my wrist braces for the commute (might as well see what it does) and bringing a cane. I hope the cane will alert people to my need for a seat :\ My OT said that I may be facing carpal tunnel surgery at some point. I need to find a new one since there's a facility right across the street from work now and that will be a lot more convenient. In the meantime, all I can do is keep up with my nerve flossing movements, specific stretches, and rest.

Funny that I wrote in here so long ago (February and March) and now I'm possibly facing carpal tunnel surgery and may have mild compartment syndrome in my calves. I think if anyone gets tendinitis or a sprain due to hyperlaxity, they should go to physical therapy/occupational therapy for as long as it takes to stabilize things. Then go to an experienced personal trainer to get specific instruction for their chosen workout program. The alternative is probably recurring injuries for the rest of your active life and trust me, after just 6 months of this, I am fed up with it.

Tattoo nerdery: There's a lot of debate about the longevity of watercolor style tattoos. It's a relatively new style so no one really knows how they'll look 10+ years down the line. I would recommend that you do a lot of research about your artist and make sure they have a lot of experience with watercolor tattoos. It's a good idea to have some kind of black framework within a watercolor tattoo to kind of "ground" the image. If the color portions end up blurring and fading a lot (many think that they will, but again it's a pretty new style), you'll still have the crisp detail from the black ink. Of course, black ink can blur and spread out too, but if you don't try to put in super tiny details, that won't matter too much. Go big or go home!

I hustled a little too much to get to a pokestop yesterday and now my legs hurt. This game may be dangerous for me haha

OT session today hurt a bit, my hands are slightly tingly. We did ultrasound around my elbows (the fleshy sides). We should start some really light strengthening exercises next week. Yesterday was crazy busy and I didn't have time to swim. As soon as the threat of rain passes over the next few days, I'll be in that pool!

Got some new exercises at PT, one with a band and the other is single-leg standing calf raises. I took an epsom salt bath yesterday AM and it felt great. If I have time, I'll try to take more of those to get the blood flowing.

Haha that PT is like "dude you really f'ed your shit up" or "will you shut up I'm trying to massage your ankle"

The PT said I might have mild exertional compartment syndrome. It seems to fit, especially since my left foot has been going numb lately. I thought it was from my lower back flaring up again. There's not a lot of info about PT being very effective for compartment syndrome, so I'm really worried that surgery and a long recovery will be in my future. I honestly think I would have waited on getting a new job if I'd known about this. Kind of mad that my doctor didn't pick up on it. I scheduled two chiropractor appts for next week, since I'll have lots of free time. The graston technique is recommended for stuff like this, so I might as well get as gently aggressive as I can while I still have time haha. I hope my orthotics are done soon! I'll have to make time to go and get them http://twinboro.com/body/ankle/conditions/anterior-compartment-syndrome-nj.html

Yay I went swimming yesterday. The cold water felt great.

Ok PT was good. The guy is very friendly and seems to be thinking in the same vein as me (building strength over stretching). I'm cleared for biking & swimming, though biking is still prevented by wrist issues (can't lean on them, can't carry bike down stairs). I want to take a cruiser bike for a spin, but still wouldn't be able to store it anywhere on the ground floor It's also bound to be heavier.

So I apparently need custom orthotics and PT for my shin splints. That's incredibly disappointing, I won't lie. But at this point I really just want to feel better.

Professional/fitted clothing is especially bad for "universal fit" because they are so tailored. I tend to stick with stretchy tops so I can fit things over my broad shoulders, but otherwise I buy a size up with the intention to get it tailored (I never do haha). It's obnoxious, but everybody is built so different underneath the clothes and getting something custom fit for you is great for your appearance and self-esteem

Okay I did it. And got an unexpected outpouring of love and support from people that read it when I shared the post on Facebook. I even had a few people come out to me via text & private messages, which was really appreciated. Kind of a little "yay I'm not alone with my experiences!" with regards to being confused for years and being in a heteronormative relationship. Even my dad said he was proud of my courage, which meant a lot because I wasn't sure how my parents might react. Hahah and of course I had to do it online, but I hope I can work up the courage to start talking about it in person.

I post so much, I don't expect anybody to keep up My wrists are kind of in a holding pattern, but maybe a little better. I have to be really diligent about stretching throughout the day and it's hard. I feel so whiny, but I think anybody would find this incredibly unreasonable and disrupting. If I wasn't working, I wouldn't find it nearly as bothersome! I think for Camp I will make a costume from Steven Universe. Probably Connie, as my husband wants to be Steven. Now what costume will look the coolest/will I be able to make... It'd be really cool to sew it from scratch now that I'm sewing again.

I like my new OT. I have some exceptionally uncomfortable exercises to do and some new things to look out for when my wrists are bothering me. I can also wear my wrist braces whenever I feel like I need them, but definitely always at night.

Alright. Lots of patience going on right now. My parents' pool isn't ready yet, so walking is basically all I can do aside from stretching what needs to be stretched. I see a new OT for my wrists/forearms and the podiatrist again this week. I hope to get some new exercises and stretches from both. My new goal is to walk 3x after work this week. Hopefully for about 1/2 an hour, or about a mile. I'll just go by feel. I managed to walk to a from the hair dresser last week, about 1 mile total, and that was fine. I just have to make sure to stretch throughout the day.