Zarklin

Hey neighbor, how's winter treating ya? No I haven't tried meds. Honestly I self medicated with food, alcohol and nicotine for years. I probably should have at some point but never tried to get help or face anything. I'm still putting a lot of thought into the past and seeing the patterns and how I reacted. It's helping avoid the pits falls for now. I've also got a pretty good support structure right now. It's helped beyond belief to be in contact with people who remind you of how you used to be. But if I start to slip I may consider seeing a counselor and possibly meds.

Title really sums it up. I've been gone for a long time from NF and from taking care of myself in general. Over the last nearly 2 years I've tried to come back on many occasions, I really want it to stick this time. Last try was back in August and even after finally doing my physical therapy nothing stuck...... I'll admit now that depression and anxiety is one hell of a foe and I regret not facing my demons for so many years. Even after busting my ass and getting down to my high school weight I still hated my existence. The shoulder injury just pushed me over the edge. There was no amount of encouragement that could drag me out, everyday was like the wight of the world on me. So now 6 days shy of my 2 year mark of disappearing into a depressive hole here I am again. I had a bit of a metal break just over a week ago and everything seemed to change. I reconnected with an old friend about a week prior who was fighting a similar mental battle. The more we talked the more I dove into all this things about me I buried. It was encouraging at first, we talked and helped each other out. I attended my first MTG pre-release event, I've wanted to go since I started playing over a year ago and I had talked myself out of going to everyone. My wife encouraged me to go and I finally did this time. I almost turned around a left when I got there, yay anxiety! Luckily my friend talked me down through text and I made it the whole night. Sweating palms and near shaking a few times but it felt good after. At that point I realized it was all in my mind. I needed to dig into everything I fought so hard to keep put away. The rest of the week was a constant back and forth in my head. Prying out everything I knew I was and needed to be again. Running through every memory I tried to hide, every loved ones death I never came to grips with, a friends suicide all of it rushed back that week. Yes I should have done this with a counselor or something because it was hard, damn hard. I felt like I was drowning, fighting that never ending battle that I didn't have the endurance for. I sat that following Friday night and drank my dinner trying to deal with it all. It hurt, bad, probably the worst I hurt in years. But this time as I sat there slowing melting away I thought about the fact that this time was different. There was nothing "wrong" in my life right then. No tragedy, no fight it was nothing but a battle in my own mind telling me I was nothing, that I couldn't handle it. So I starting digging through old pictures on my PC. Half a bottle in and a few tears later I kinda snapped. I couldn't run from my past any longer and I saw a glimpse of who I used to be. I knew my son deserved better than an anxious depressed drunk who's only reason for still breathing was his kid. I didn't want him to cope like I did, hell he's only five and has been saying he's horrible and worthless when he gets in trouble. I can't let him go down that road. Years I spent trying to fill a bottomless pit with stuff, wasted hobbies, other peoples problems (easier to focus on theirs than my own I guess) and lots and lots of whiskey. I knew this hallow shell wasn't me, somewhere in there was a good man. Outgoing ready to take on the world. My kid needs that man. He needs to know he is worth it. I finally managed to fall asleep that night hoping I could keep that attitude the next day. Somehow I woke up refreshed that Saturday I felt better than I had in years. I kissed my son that morning and went out for a day. Got a hair cut and some misc clothes I needed and felt awesome. I went and played MTG for the rest of the day and just rode the high. I've been doing everything in my power to keep pushing in the right direction since. Part of me still thought it wouldn't last but after a couple days it was gone. I've been awake before 6 everyday but Sunday. Making breakfast for me and the kid. Food has been on point, got my gym put back together. Prepped meals for this week and restarted 5x5 today. I still have to fight my mind every now and again but I've managed to sleep without a drink in over a week. I need this to last. He needs this to last. I'm putting every ounce of energy into keeping this going. I can't sink again, not this time. But for the first time since I was 17 I'm not relying on someone/thing to fill this hole and make me feel like I'm worth it. Don't be a prisoner of your own mind. Don't rely on anything/one other than yourself to make you feel whole. Don't wait for your world to change, change your world. It's hard, it's scary, it can almost break you. But you can and will make it through and you are worth it. Sorry for the wall of text! Hope to see you rebels around for awhile. -Zark

Digging through my old topics I realized the last time I was active on here was February 5, 2015. A few months before I really fell apart. I'm starting to notice a pattern with myself and my attitude. Hopefully coming to a realization of my pitfalls can help me address them. to quote " I've been really getting down on myself this week not quite sure why... hell I should be happy I've made it this far"....."One thing I really need to work on is getting more sleep. My head has been going 100mph and been keeping me up at night" It was a slow start then and the injury pushed it over the edge. Those 2 quotes have lasted for nearly 18 months now.... Seems the one thing I tend to neglect is my mind and when it can't take anymore I spiral physically. Also with three people lost last week two of which where taken too soon I think now is a good time to concentrate on some soul searching. To make sure I'm satisfying what keeps me fresh and positive in my head. Now to figure out exactly what that is......

Just dug this out as a reminder that I can pull it off again....again... and this time go further... needed a little boost tonight

South West of Lansing, Charlotte area. Just getting back on track wife, has set a challenge to do the hawk island sprint next year gulp! Anyone else going to be doing that?

Thanks for the encouragement all. I have my first therapy appt on the 19th. Hopefully they tell me I can at least do some biking or swimming. Wife's starting to get meal plans together again too.

Well here it is and as the title says I'm ashamed to even post this..... But I'm trying to get back on track with everything fitness related in my life. Last year I made a ton of progress to the tune of being down nearly 100 lbs from my heaviest, then I failed. I messed up something in my arm so bad I couldn't even hold a bar to lift without being in extreme pain. I let work and life get in the way of pursuing treatment for over a year. There was always something "more important" to do than take time off. Needless to say everything back slid and I've put 60-70 lbs back on. I'm working on getting into physical therapy as a first step to correcting the problems to see if that helps. The Dr. said if I don't show improvement after a month of PT they'll send me for imaging. I need PT for a long term problem I've had in my leg as well but I think I can do some low impact stuff in the mean time. I'm trying to keep my chin up and not let self disappointment rule me. I've actually considered vloging on Youtube to keep me accountable but who knows.... One big push now is my wife is wanting to get back on track as well and has committed herself to doing a triathlon sprint in the spring. I hate to have to rely on her commitment to get or keep me going but right now it is so I'll take it. So here's to a respawn and dragging myself out of this failure induced depression and self hate. Going to start with getting my food back in order and at least walking a few miles a day. Hope to have this be the last "comeback"

If there's anything I can help with let me know. If it's an IP problem check out a free dynamic dns. Guessing your main IP changed?

any luck boss?

sounds good.. hopefully it's not too much of a pain.

is the server offline?

pm sent. I realize it's mis-formatted now that I went back to the OP. My bad =/ got my client updated and ready to go.

Thank you seven I needed that =) it's been a long week... snowed in on Monday to start things off woohoo... Manged to break my blender container trying to make cashew butter... my own fault for letting it get to hot but hopefully I can get a replacement soon ugg and I've been really getting down on myself this week not quite sure why... hell I should be happy I've made it this far and not obsessing about the fat I still haven't lost... I just really want to be able to tuck my shirt in without "stuff" hanging over my pants.... However I did just finish week 13 of 5x5 still going good on everything except damn overhead press... failed for the third time by ONE rep... so I need to deload to 105 from 120 and start going in 2lbs steps instead of 5.. I know this is how it goes but I was really hopeful I could have conquered 120lbs. I did however squat my body weight (235) for all 5x5. My hip is still really tight but it's getting a little better each week. I'm toying with the idea of going for a Dexa scan after my birthday and maybe a physical too just to see where I'm at. I'd like to be down another 15-20 lbs by the but it's only 2 months away so that may be pushing it... One thing I really need to work on is getting more sleep. My head has been going 100mph and been keeping me up at night add that to changing my routine and making omelets for my wife and I every morning so I'm up earlier. End up only getting about 5 hours of sleep most nights really starting to wear on me.... on that note I'm off to watch Arrow with my wife and sleep in tomorrow.. have an awesome night nerds!

Thank you all so much for the kind and encouraging words. I still have a long road ahead and can't thank this community enough for helping me get where I am and keeping me going =) Rock on nerds!

Thank you insanity! That post made my day =) Hopefully some more woots to come soon