Elisha

I came back looking for a play list I posted and realized how much I missed this. It’s 4:32 am so this will be short. Since I was last here I found out I’m autistic and a bunch of other major life changes. As one would expect in 10yrs. I’m looking forward to reaquainting myself with the process and meeting new nerds😁

Last week I finished the whole30 and I lost 11 lbs. I also felt so much better. The last 3 days I have eaten a lot of sugar/things I had been craving. I wasn't going to, but a friend of mine wanted to celebrate by taking me out to eat a ton of stuff. Then I spiraled a bit. I tried to start Saturday and Sunday with a whole30 breakfast and I had planned on eating healthy the rest of the day, but I caved. Mostly because I still had s'moreos. I noticed milk really causes irritation in my throat. and sugar gives me mild headaches. Not to mention, puffy face. I have decided for my diet I will do mostly paleo. I am going to allow myself goat cheese and sour cream. I want to continue the no treat mentality of whole30. I had a really good time with paleo on my first full challenge. I may or may not reserve some meals for eating with my family. If I stay in Illinois and help my Uncle's build a deck, I don't want to miss out on eating with them. Not because I want the food, but because we do meals like a bonding experience. I will make healthier choices when available though. It may not even be necessary. I just know I missed out on a few things for the whole30 and it made me sad. If I follow 80/20 then I'll be happy. Today, except for some coffee from Starbucks (I have to drive over an hour both ways for a doctor appt and I had 3 hours of sleep last night), I am going to follow the diet. I do have goat cheese in store for some stuffed mini peppers with roast beef for lunch and probably a grilled chicken salad for dinner. I'm excited for my food though and I think that is the most important thing to keep me going with a diet. As for exercising, starting tomorrow, I'm doing yogalosophy. 28 days of daily yoga. I hope after that my back will be up for some running. I may also be putting in the aforementioned deck or digging holes/trenches for my Uncle. Pray/Meditate every day for at least 10 minutes total. I just read something that said praying is asking and meditating is listening. I'm going to pray in the morning and meditate at night.

I did! I finished it last week and it was so tough, but completely worth it. Sort of, at least the next 28 days.

My first whole30 is over on the 11th. I know I'm going allow myself sugar (s'moreos came out during of all times) if I really want it. I'm hoping by day 31 I really won't. I am not clear about what I want to do this challenge, other than keep it simple. My options are: do another whole30 or eat whole30-ish, yogalosophy (yoga for 28 days plus some resistance), running. I want to rush and get back to lifting weights, which used to be my primary exercise, but each time I try I just stop. I need to build my activity up slowly and actually maintain it before I go back to lifting. I'm leaning towards yoga. I'm sure I'll run a little. I think once I add some workouts I'll feel even better than I do now. No more naps, no more sleeping 14 hours a day (plus naps).

I have 7 days left on whole30. I really don't think I've lost any weight. I could be surprised, but everything fits the same, my stomach looks the same, etc. I have been perfect except that one time I ate soy on day 16. It's frustrating since everyone always says, give up soda (which I had for a year and all other sugary drinks for at least 6 months), give up all sugar, give up wheat, etc, you will lose weight. I'm not really discouraged about it, just frustrated. I can't believe how long these 30 days have seemed and I know the last 7 will be the longest of all. I don't know what I'm going to do after day 30. I know I want to do another whole30, but I don't know if I want to start on day 32 or wait a little while and eat whole30 except if I'm invited somewhere. I just don't want to be rude. My brother invited me to his friend's bbq. I only ate the meat (and now that I think about it, that could have had stuff that wasn't compliant in the merinade, but there were no sauces) I almost ate some of the sides, but I just had a banana instead. I do really love how I feel about food now. I'm looking forward to sugar on day 31, but every day it is less and less. I don't automatically stop at fast food because I'm a little hungry and it would be easy.

So since the 23rd, my Uncle has bought a delicious looking cake and him and my brother almost have the entire thing finished. At least they don't last long, but there's always something new and equally delicious on the way. I would like to add that I did reach my 30 minute straight running mark this challenge. I'm proud of that. So while I may have been overly ambition at the beginning of the challenge, I definitely made some headway.

I've seen a few times that a people don't even try to exercise during their first whole30 and I can see why. I'm on day 11 and it feels like an eternity. My sugar cravings are back in a big way. I'm day dreaming about all the bad things I will eat on day 31. I know I won't really want them by then, but it is helping me hold my ground. I am also really bored with my food this week. I am going to make a sauce for meat tomorrow to mix it up. I think this is the last week for this challenge so I guess I went much further back to basics than I planned, but I have learned so much. I am learning how to buy just enough food for a few days at a time so less is wasted. I am learning that eating out is 100% convenience. (Obviously, but wait). I've always thought, "but I'm hungry, I need to eat" or "I'm so hungry I'm going to eat my own face off." So far, I have only been hungry enough to consider caving 1 time. That was 2 days ago. I was hungry all day. I could not get full. I went to a town 20 minutes away to meet a friend. I thought one place, Huddle House, would be able to scramble eggs or something. Everything had soy or wheat. EVERYTHING. They told me. So we drove to a town another 20 + minutes away. We ended up at Texas Road House and I wasn't excited about it, but boy was I wrong. Everything was wonderful and I was able to order a dry grilled steak with steamed veggies. I was so hungry I almost ordered a second steak, but I didn't. If they hadn't had that option I would have just started over, but I'm so happy I didn't. I keep thinking, if I start over, I'm just going to get right back to this spot and want to quit again. How will I beat it next time if I don't beat it this time? Then we tried Starbucks because until a couple of days ago that was my major craving. I tried their black coffee, but yuck. Back to my point, I'm never hungry enough to eat out and if I am, there's a grocery store with fresh produce just as accessible as restaurant and I'll have my food even faster. I'm learning that nearly every single thing you eat when you go out, except raw vegetables or that occasional place you can find a dry grilled steak, is just not good for you. I can't trick myself into thinking the eggs are good for me when they are all made with soy oil. (Well, out of the 2 places I went for eggs.) I'm also gaining perspective on having something sweet every day. It's crazy. It is so unnecessary, especially when sugar is in everything. I'm seeing things as treats that would have been necessities before, like creamy, sugary coffee. They say by day 15 nearly all cravings should be gone. That will be nice 4 more days to go. My energy is slowly coming around. I have still been tired, but I'm not taking naps. I'm also not sleeping as long at night. My real plan after 30 days is to have dessert one day out of 30 or on special occasions. I'm going to have a fairly large piece of said dessert on day 31, but then I want to go right back into another whole30 where I can hopefully build on what I've learned and do even better. Oh and I'm also fighting really hard not to get on the scale. I don't weigh myself unless I'm dieting/working out, but this has been much harder to stick to than I thought. Every time I get the urge I remind myself that there really is no point. Either I will have lost weight and feel like I can splurge a little which will cause me to go crazy or I will gain or stay the same, either way it will feel like all of this hard work and effort is for naught which will cause me to splurge. That's just how I work. I'm learning how to deal with other things for motivation, like the lighter dark circles, the less bloated my face looks, etc.

Thanks. It is a bit tough, but I just see it as my healthy eating makes them feel bad about their choices so they want me to eat poorly so it validates their choices. Except my little brother. He's just giving me a hard time and I know he struggles with eating healthy because of all the things my Uncle bakes or buys. I also know they definitely (although subconsciously) see me as lazier, and a little inferior so I'm sure it really bugs them that I'm sticking to it and they "can't." Mwahahahaha. Thank you. I have thought about leaving, but I am using the full kitchen so I can put up with a ton of junk food laying all around, directly on my healthy food. Right?! They think they are being funny. They seem to have let up since I'm obviously not going to cave and my Uncle had to eat all 12 of the donuts he bought by himself and an apple pie and half a German chocolate cake. My brother ate the other half of that. They could just be gearing up for another onslaught though! Thanks. I'm trying.

I'm still eating really well, even though my family seems to think it is a game to see who can get me to cave first. I've read the book a little more and I've seen on their instagram that fruit is okay. I think 2 servings a day so I've been fine with that. I haven't run and I'm not sure I'm going to. I may have scared myself after the last time. lol. I know, I just have to get back on the horse.

I haven't had any more bright-eyed wake ups, but I feel I had a preview of what is to come with the first one. I'm struggling not to weigh myself. I don't usually weigh myself, but if I'm actively changing my eating then I like to. I don't know why, it never helps me. I'm fighting the urge though because I love the idea of focusing on nonscale victories. Mine so far I haven't had sugar for 5.5 days and I only had that little bit in the mayo in 7.5 days. I don't know if it is the diet or the new eye cream I have sporadically applied, but the dark circles under my eyes are less noticeable. I don't feel like a slave to sugar. If it is in my face, I don't have to eat it. I haven't felt that way in a very long time. The one day when I woke up feeling refreshed. I'm sure there's more, I just haven't realized them yet. I did really well on Paleo for my first challenge so I'm still nervous that by the time the challenge ends I will go back to eating out or I'll be in the RV without a full kitchen and I'll get lazy. We'll see. As far as exercise for the week. I don't know. I'm planning on running tomorrow. That's all I got.

It is hard to make everything fresh, but I think it may be more of a mental block, at least for me. It doesn't take much to make some mayo with a hand held blender. Granted, I work from home and I know I would have a hell of a time doing this working. That's why I like their book because they have a plan for that. I am/was very sugar addicted. I would eat a candy bar in the afternoon and then have completely forgotten about it and think, "I haven't had any sweets today, I can have a candy bar or cupcake," then as soon as I finished eating, I'd remember the other sweet. And my Uncle, who I'm with a lot right now is a diabetic, but eats sweets all the time. There are always donuts in the house and he put hershey's with almonds (one of my faves) right on top of my healthy food. Luckily, my cravings are mostly gone and it isn't bothering me, but any other time and I would have caved. I think the pain I went through the first couple days really made me angry enough to push through it. I'm not sure what my plans are for the week. I'm not very good at planning ahead.

So much for feeling more energetic when I wake up in the morning. Yesterday I slept only 6 hours and last night I was pretty restless too. I actually had a nightmare that I ate jelly beans. After I started chewing them I realized what I had done. I panicked and tried to spit them out, but it was too late. I'd already swallowed some. Why is sugar so strong that people actually dream about it when they don't have it? I'm eating fruit and other things for fructose so it isn't like my body isn't getting any.

Well, that was a huge error in judgment. It isn't hot out and there is a slight breeze, but I got so over-heated on my run. I had this big plan where I would run, come home and do yoga, then take a nice hot bath because no one is at my Grandma's today. Ha. This is TMI, but the story needs to be told. About 2/3rds into my run I started feeling bad. Like I had to go number 2. I pushed myself and made it through the whole 30 minute run without stopping. So I started my cool down. I had to stop every hundred feet or so because I was getting so dizzy. I get over-heated fairly easily, but I haven't had the problem in so long that I guess I forgot. Like if I take a shower and then try to blow dry my hair or sometimes even just stay in the bathroom if the shower was really hot, I will almost pass out. I have to run cold water over my wrists. I remember living with my BFF in high school and she would blow dry her hair while I was in the shower and every day she would have to go get a glass of cold water for me and I would have to sit down in the shower because I'd almost pass out. Why I never remembered to bring a glass of ice water with me, I'll never know. Anyway, like I said it isn't even hot out. So during my cool down I'm stopping and sitting down for maybe 5 seconds every hundred feet, trying to push through. Just get home and drink a big glass of water I think. Ha. I am so lucky there is a tavern a block before the house because I barely made it. The bartender has known me since I was a kid so she quickly got me some ice water. I actually took it to the bathroom with me. I'm also lucky the toilet is right next to the sink so I could sit down and run water over my wrists and refill the cup. I do always take a glass of ice water with me if I'm taking a hot bath so I do learn a little. lol I can understand why sometimes people poo their pants running marathons now. It is way easier than I ever thought. I'm so lucky I did not pass out. I know someone would have found me passed out on the side of the road and I would have pooped my pants. I just know there is another universe out there with a poor, sad Elisha passed out on the side of the road with poop in her pants. You all have no idea how close I came to being that Elisha. I really thought I was hydrated enough since all I have been drinking is tea and water. Mostly non-caffeinated tea at that. I guess not enough. So moral of the story, get one of those hydration belts and don't run in the afternoon until I do. Not my proudest run, but I did it and I lived to tell about it.

Last night was tough. I got a pretty bad headache and loads of cravings. I felt like I was starving, but I kept asking the whole30 question, "would I eat steamed fish and broccoli?" Normally, I'd rather go hungry than eat that stuff anyway, but it did help me push through. I considered making hard boiled eggs because that did sound good, but the headache nixed that for me. This morning I still slept 12 hours, but I woke up feeling decently rested. That never, ever, ever happens. I realized 90% of the brain fog is gone. My brain actually feels like it is tingling a little. It's weird, but I like it. I also finally found my sports bra. It's all about the small wins. I was looking at the whole30 forums and I discovered I've been doing it wrong AGAIN. lol. Not anything too bad though considering some people eat Larabars throughout the whole30. I have just been eating too much fruit in one sitting. What I hate about forums with something like whole30, especially if the founders aren't on them, is everyone has an opinion and they are all different. Some said no fruit, some said a little fruit, some said as much fruit as you want as long as you don't want to lose weight and you eat it with a meal. I also discovered no snacks, ever. Which is fine, I was only eating them when I was really hungry and trying to get to the next meal and it was the fruit. I want my body to start using my fat for energy and not sugar so obviously, as little fruit as possible. I ate a lot of watermelon yesterday, plus other fruit. I'm going to finish the fruit I have this week, with meals, then I'll stick with maybe one serving a day. Because I do feel so much better and I was still eating compliant food and no one can agree, I'm not starting over.

Yesterday my food was perfect. I ate mostly left overs. Although while running errands I was starving and bought a lb of strawberries. I ate them in between errands and had the whole box finished before I made it out of town. I don't know if that much fruit in one sitting is allowed. The salmon cake recipe from the whole30 cookbook is supposed to make 2 servings. I eat a lot. I've stretched it into 4 meals so far. I had a left over cake this morning with 3 eggs, my horseradish sauce and a banana. Yum. I talked myself into going for a run even though it is raining and chilly. Unfortunately, when I went to change I couldn't find my sports bra anywhere. The only place it could be, I think, is the cab of the RV where Gunnar hides things. I wore myself out looking for it so maybe I'll go for a run or maybe I'll just do yoga later.

I thought I started the whole30 yesterday and I had the headache, cravings, and constant hunger to prove it. Unfortunately, I discovered today the 3 handfuls of almonds I had last night to try and feel full and not eat a cupcake had vegetable oil in it. *sigh As if that wasn't bad enough and I was going to just shrug it off and still count today as day 2, but THEN I saw the paleo mayo I bought has sugar and I think flour in it. Why does mayo need any of that? I read the label when I bought it and I have read it at least twice since to make sure. I have no idea how I missed it. I already had it on my salmon cakes so I just ate it. Tomorrow will be my first day I guess. I'm so frustrated. I bought some sunflower seeds today too, thinking I'd add those to the almonds and some pecans, toss in some blueberries and have a homemade granola like snack. As soon as I put a handful in my mouth I read the label and yep. Sugar. I spit those out though. lol. I did buy some rooibos vanilla tea for after dinner, which the whole30 cookbook recommends if you are used to having something sweet to signal the end of a meal. I bought some mint tea too. I'm about to have a combo of mint and green tea. I'm worried the perfectionist attitude of the whole30 is going to set me up for failure, but I'm trying to look at it like a game. That's one thing that has been missing from all the previous challenges after my first one. I don't look at it like it is fun or a game. I'm going to chalk up today and yesterday as the tutorial and try again tomorrow.

Thanks. I really need to remember the creative break is part of being creative. I haven't run yet this week, but either today or tomorrow. I may go find a nice trail or something really pretty to enjoy while I run. I really like this book. It has a day by day guide of how you will feel on the whole 30 challenge as well as one week of day by day food prep. I haven't done that, but I know I'll use it in the future. If I had a day job I would need to use for sure. The recipes are great, but you can probably find them on the site. I just like having them at hand. I also like Everyday Family Paleo Cookbook and Practical Paleo. I really love the website paleomg, but she makes a lot of desserts.

I've been so busy this last week. I had a surprise guest for most of it. Technically, I've failed this challenge already because of my diet I failed the first two weeks. I definitely failed the 3rd week. Even though, I do have some non-diet/weight related wins. I kept thinking about posting, but hadn't had time. I also didn't have much to post about. My knee is still a bit weak so I didn't mind not exercising this week. I have eaten worse than I have in about a year. I hit a point where I thought, if I have more energy and can actually do things when I eat junk food, why would I eat healthier? I know that is a faulty perspective, but I still can't get in to see a dr. so I felt like I needed to be able to function. The possibly interesting news is that I follow whole30 on instagram so I knew they had a book coming out. I had been going back and forth with getting it. Do I really need another diet to mess with? Although it is paleo. I was at the book store and flipped through a copy. I landed on a section that talked about being so exhausted when eating healthy. Then I saw they had a break down of the day by day and what you are likely to feel. It also seemed like a lot of really good information. I tried to prep my food last Sunday, but I ended up not eating anything I made. I made the omelettes in the muffin tins, but they were so dried out. Then I made several chicken thighs for salad, but they are still in there. I also made delicious bone broth and that just sat in there too. It could have been the guest and going out to eat, but I could have eaten them anyway. The food just seems unappetizing after I prep it. So this weekend, I have been making a recipe from whole30 here and there to make sure I like them before I jump into it. I'll probably make some spaghetti squash because I do eat that as left-overs. I also eat baked sweet potatoes a lot as left-overs. I just need to be really careful of what I prep. No prepped meat. I actually made hollandaise sauce and poached eggs for the first time ever this weekend. Yum. I also made their sunshine sauce with almond butter instead of sunflower seed butter. This is the paleo version of thai peanut sauce and peanut sauce is something I've wanted to learn how to make for years. I feel like that's a bit of wisdom earned. I'm also contemplating doing the yogalosophy program. It is a combination of toning and yoga. Tha may be more gentle for my knees since I'm running 30 minutes straight now. If I don't, then I'll just go back to yoga and running. I don't want to do too many new things at once. If I do the whole30 this challenge, next challenge I can do the yogalosophy. This week, just to get back on track, I'm focusing on my diet and running. I will be perfect on both of those. 4 days running, 7 days diet. One week at a time. Probably one day at a time.

Hi! No mid-challenge drop out, although last week, I did nothing. But I'm about to post about that. Thanks for checking in.

I guess I should clarify a bit. I love being able to do what I want and march to my own drum and not follow the herd. However, most people who have power have gotten it by giving the herd what it wants or manipulating the herd. They don't like people who don't follow along. This is usually okay because I've been able to just pack up and leave, but sometimes it's important to stand your ground. I'm a live and let live type of person, but not everyone is. I just don't want to make it easier to allow people to hurt me and my loved ones. I'm not saying I'll never live in an RV again or that I'll stop being an artist. I just need to take care of some things first. So far this week my diet has been really bad. There's always an excuse. I'm doing some research to find ways to help this, but most of them are the same things that never work. Like do something else. Although I do like the idea of brushing your teeth every time you have a craving. I did find this list on psychology today (although the first one is a bit much in my opinion): I was recently asked for 10 tips for sticking to your diet. I quickly made the following list but I didn’t necessarily include the 10 most important tips, especially because each dieter is different. Which tips (on or off the list) have been most important to you? Don’t even try to change your eating until you have learned important skills, such as how to motivate yourself every day, how to get yourself to use good eating habits, how to withstand hunger and craving, and how to get yourself back on track immediately when you make a mistake. Motivate yourself every day by reading a long list of reasons that you want to lose weight every morning. Pull out this list at vulnerable times of the day, as well. Eat everything sitting down, slowly, and enjoy every bite–whether or not you feel like it. It’s much more difficult to allow yourself to eat off plan, eat mindlessly, or binge if you are doing this. Stay accountable. Report (whether or not you have used good eating habits and followed your eating plan) to another person–daily–through email, texting, or voice messages. Stay accountable to yourself by weighing yourself every day. Stop looking for the perfect diet or the perfect combination of foods. Eat in a very healthy way but allow yourself to have one favorite food, in moderation, every single day. If you’re tempted to eat more of this food or go on to other foods you hadn’t planned to eat, then consume it shortly before bedtime, brush your teeth, and get in bed. Change your mindset about food and eating. Recognize that you can eat whatever you want whenever you want OR you can be thinner. You can’t have it both ways. Prove to yourself that hunger is never an emergency (if you don’t have a serious medical condition). Skip lunch and snacks one day. You’ll find that hunger is only mildly uncomfortable, compared to real discomfort such as you might have experienced after surgery or after breaking a bone; that hunger comes and goes, lasting no more than 5-10 minutes at a time, usually; that hunger is certainly tolerable. Teach yourself the difference between hunger (that empty feeling in your stomach when you haven’t eaten for a few hours) and craving or the desire to eat (which you will feel in your mouth or throat). Ultimately, you want to just label what you’re feeling (hunger, craving, tiredness, boredom, or a negative emotion) and tolerate it without eating. In the short-run, have a list of powerful distractions to turn your attention away from food. Regularize your eating with a set plan of meals and snacks. Some people do well with no snacks, some with a snack after each meal, some with two snacks after dinner. Eat only when it’s time to eat; not when you feel like eating. Tell yourself that every time matters. It’s not necessarily the calories (after all, cookie crumbs are not very fattening); it’s the HABIT. Every time you eat something you weren’t supposed to, you strengthen your giving in muscle, which makes it more likely that the next time you’ll give in and the time after that and the time after that. Every time you stick to your plan when you’re tempted to eat something else, you strengthen your resistance muscle, which makes it more likely that the next time you’ll resist, and the time after that and the time after that. I'm going to try reading the list of reasons and I think number 10 works pretty well. I could actually use the list of reasons on a lot of topics, not just eating healthy. My knee is hurting a bit so I didn't do the kettle bell swings today, but I'll do them tomorrow. I also haven't done any yoga. I really miss my classes. However, I'm on my 3rd day of running this week. Running: 3/4 Diet: 0/7 Yoga: 0/3 Kettle bell swings: 11/30

Yes^^^ The "Have ->Do->Be" model drives me crazy. I have fallen for it a few times when I was younger, but it is just garbage. Yeah, some things can make you happy, but it will only be short term. That shiny new car will become that car with a big scratch that keeps breaking down or even just "not the newest and latest." Thank you, it does help. Thanks for such kind words. I agree, struggles are the human experience and it would not be a challenge if I didn't struggle.

Thanks. Your opinion does mean a lot to me.

I've just spent over an hour on the phone with everyone and their brother trying to get a problem with my health care fixed. Of course one place says I can't fix it until I deal with someone else and they say they can't do anything until person A fixes it. I saw a sign this morning for a health fair so I thought I could jump in there. It is today and the screening ends at 10am. It's now 11am. If that isn't my luck. lol. Oh well. I'll figure it out.

Thank you. I was about to delete my post, but I'm going to leave it because baby dragons and science! I've had blood tests and thyroid tests before and they always come back fine, but it's been about 5 years so I feel I need to try again. Thyroid problems and diabetes run in my family. I definitely understand how the tiredness could make you depressed. It's so frustrating wanting to be productive and being so tired. I'm glad you found answers.

TL;DR: Woot! Go Elisha, you're not a loser! Rawr Okay, I've been thinking and reading a book on how to become a police officer. (Long story) For several months, I have been looking at my life and realizing it looks like I'm a complete loser. This book just proves what I've been thinking. Now, I'm not. I know this. I have worked toward several large goals and gotten every one of them. I already lost 50 lbs once. However, I realize that people who don't know me, but just look at my life on paper will come to the conclusion I am a complete loser. This allows other people (like my Aunt and Step-Grandpa last fall) to manipulate situations so it appears that I am a worthless loser to outsiders and the outsiders easily fall for it. I'm not trying to beat myself up. Even though I have done far braver/harder things than either one of them ever dared to do in their lifetimes and so far I've managed to do it without becoming an alcoholic or hateful. Not to be mean or even demean what they've done, it's just the truth. Aside from living on my own since I was 16, taking care of myself since I was 13, moving to Chicago without knowing a soul at 20, buying a house at 18, graduating a very hard college when no one in my family before my generation had, rebuilding an RV with only 2 other people, traveling to other countries, putting myself in therapy at 17 because I realize I can choose a different way of living, and pretty much being brave enough to just honestly be who I am instead of denying it and making other people miserable or trying to force them to be someone other than who they are. (I think the last one is absolutely the hardest and most important thing I've done. Being authentic is no damn joke and neither is allowing others to feel safe enough to be authentic with you.) I'm the only one out of me and my brothers to even finish high school let alone college. (Not that that makes them any less smart than me or that it even means anything other than I set certain goals and I accomplished them when the odds were against me. Frankly, I think they are smarter to avoid the debt.) Also, I alone am paying for that schooling and overcame so much to get that utterly worthless degree. Like multiple jobs at once, 2 hour commute each way, 16 hour days. Ridiculous stress that had me bawling myself to sleep every night for a semester and doing it all over the next day. I stood up to doctors and my family to fight for my Grandma and I got her back to healthy. I actually stopped people from just letting her die. I saved her life. (I don't give myself enough credit for this. At all. I completely minimize the enormity of this because it is something I didn't even consider not doing.) And every one of those I did with every important person in my life telling me I was stupid. (Except my therapist who rocks. Well, the Grandma thing my little brother and my Uncle on my dad's side had my back too. Just want to give them credit.) I'm not trying to brag or make it seem like I'm so amazing. People do way harder things than that every day just to survive. I'm doing nothing more than reminding myself I have overcome obstacles, I am resilient. I do get up over and over and over again after being knocked down. Just because my family (or my own thoughts) say condescending things doesn't make it true. Not everyone needs to think I'm great or that I'm great all the time. Including myself. It just sucks that when looking at my life on paper no one can see the hard things I've had to overcome and I've allowed myself to look bad on paper. i.e. moving a lot, living in an RV, not having a "real" job, having a lot of student loan debt. Or whatever someone else wants to judge me for. I'm 32 without a husband or kids or the ability to buy a house right now. A house I don't even really want anyway. Some days it is hard always being judged because I am single. Yeah, I've had 3 guys want to marry me (not including crazy guys after 1 date), but I don't wear it on a t-shirt so the majority of people think I just can't land a man. As if that is the only thing worth doing. I don't want to have to nor will I wear it on a shirt that I moved in with my Grandma for a year so she would feel safe in her own home and not need to move into a nursing home. I even paid rent because she is a depression baby and always worried about money. I don't want to tell everyone I ever meet I was the only person besides my Grandma to visit my Grandpa once a week or more when he was on hospice and bring his favorite milkshake to him. I don't think it is necessary to talk about how I dropped everything to take my step-grandpa who hates me most of the time to radiation treatment even though my Aunt was 1/4 mile away and I lived 5 hours away. And it was for 4 weeks. I don't need thanks. I don't need acknowledgment. Especially since I always feel like these things aren't enough. I feel like this shit is basic family/human things that people should do for one another. I don't want to have to prove to complete strangers I'm a worthwhile person just because certain parts of my life don't fit the mold. And I know I "don't", but I don't want to ever be in the position again where I do actually have to. Off the top of my head I'm thanking God I never had a kid with my ex because he would have taken custody just to hurt me and I know he would have gotten it just because he looks amazing on paper and I don't. Yet he is the type of person who would use a kid to hurt someone else. But like He-Man, I have the power. Starting tomorrow I will sign up for temp work and plan on staying at my Grandma's neighbor's for possibly the summer. (She says as long as I give her rides I can stay as long as I like, but I still offered rent and will continue to do so. I am just in her unused driveway with an extension cord to charge my electronics. I wish I didn't feel the need to justify this.) As soon as I start getting jobs, which could be awhile, I'm going to sign up with the gym I love and really get in shape. I'm going to pay off the very little debt I have that isn't my student loans. Thanks infected cyst and Illinois DHS for the $700 medical bill. Plus a few other things that are all me. I'm going to save up money to either get my RV back on the road or move someplace cool just because I'm single and I can. I'm going to run more 5ks for charities besides the one I ran almost 10 years ago and the one I signed up for, but couldn't run. I will finally sign up for Habitat For Humanity, which I've always wanted to do but haven't had the time or I moved too much. I will look good on paper so if I apply to the FBI or a police department I won't be rejected for something insignificant. I will also do it just for myself. Even if by the end of the summer I fall in love with painting again and can't imagine ever having another real job, I will still look damn good on paper. I will never allow someone to manipulate the truth about my integrity or my honesty ever again. Even if I live in an RV for the rest of my life. I will own land somewhere to say I own property. I will toe the line of our society just enough so people can't use anything against me. I will have "real" accomplishments to put on a resume. I will also learn how to put an accent on an e. résumé Okay, that is ridiculously overcomplicated. Now, if only I can find the energy somewhere for the rest. ****I realize this should be filed under things I should save for my therapist. I also realize what I have planned probably doesn't sound like much, but it is a start. Baby steps. They do make more sense with the broader plan that I have, but I have to do these steps first.*****