fleaball

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About fleaball

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  1. Flea Does a Thing

    My entire Facebook timeline is engagement/wedding photos and babies. Make it stop.
  2. Zeroh and the Pokemon Paradise Royale

    Oh man. Humidity is the one thing I will definitely never ever miss about the DC area. Maybe also drivers. (PS, is it a rule in Maryland that blinkers are just for decoration as opposed to actually letting people know you're about to jump in front of them?) Aaaaand now I want to go watch the first Pokemon movie. Thanks.
  3. Flea Does a Thing

    First off: hugs to everyone in general. Second: totally forgot I was getting my period today. I know all my feelings and emotions are valid and all that, but I'm hoping the reason for them being a lot stronger than I expected is just that I'm more hormonal right now. Apparently the Police Commissioner stopped by too, but I was in the bathroom scarfing my Larabar at the time. You should've been at my grandfather's wake. He was a cop too and it was just a constant stream of them. No uncles followed us home, thank fuck. The skydiving thing is an interesting story. She and my father were at a silent auction for our school years ago, and the way she told it, my father said she was interested so she went after it and then he chickened out after she'd won it. His side of the story, which I only heard when we pulled out the photo the other night, is that he'd sort of mentioned it and at that point she'd had a few too many drinks so she just went after it and he told her if she got it she was the one going. But she did it and loved it, although she didn't want to do it again. Thinking about it, yeah, it seems really weird for her. huh. Ex-bff called in sick to work yesterday to go to the funeral. And def lingered both at the wake and after the funeral yesterday. Awwwwkwarrrrrrd. If she reaches out again I'm just going to have to shut it down because yes, you're a nice person but I really have no interest in being friends with you again. Not exactly. Sort of the opposite? It was more like it was taken for granted that I was going to do something well, so there was no sense in pointing it out when I did. Which is why you'll see me on here so often saying "hey guys I managed to wipe my own ass today, shower me with praise!" Hell, I'm not even sure she told me she was proud of me for getting my MA? Honest to god. You're right about not being taught how to love myself, just not about how I got here. It's funny, the other day I was thinking something about ranting into the void or whatever and I started laughing because it made me think of you. It's hard because I'm just not good at taking care of people. Like when I was super sick my roommate drove me to an urgent care place, then took my car and went off to stock up on soup and gatorade and popsicles and stuff for me, then came back and picked me up. And then left work early and spent 8 hours with me in the ER until they found a room, and came to the hospital before and after work and on her lunch breaks once I was admitted and brought me food each time. That kind of thing wouldn't occur to me. I'm more likely to say "hey do you want a ride? Can I get anything for you?"and not take initiative to do anything that would make it easier for someone. I know I'm not being objective. And I know I did a hell of a lot more than my brother did despite the fact that he lived in the same damn house as her for a lot longer than I did. But even knowing that it's hard to distance myself from all the mistakes and failures, especially at night when there's nothing to distract me from those thoughts while I'm trying to fall asleep. Christ, that's horrible. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I'll try to remember what you're saying though. Thanks. Thanks. I was never into Friends and didn't see the episode you're talking about, but I get it. The problem is that at best, there was some kind of huge communication rift between us. Because it's not just that she didn't have the same kind of talk with my that she did the rest of my family, it's also that I said "hey, you had these talks alone with the two of them, is there anything the two of us need to talk about?" and she said "no, I think we've already talked about everything." But I have no idea what she meant. There was never any "I know you'll be okay" or "I hope you X after this" or anything like that. No talk of my future or any hopes or worries or anything. Hell, if the fucking priest hadn't asked her "what do you cherish about your daughter" I wouldn't have even heard the best friend thing, or several of the other nicest things she's said to/about me in years. I know she wasn't someone who discussed feelings or anything and she wasn't ready to face dying, but I feel like we had to be on two different planets if she thought she told me everything that needed to be said before she died. I know it's too late to change anything and even if I did disappoint her it's not like she can tell me. But I take my own failures so hard and the fact that all of this is so final makes it even harder to deal with. It's not like writing a better final paper to make up for my shitty midterm or eating better for a few days after some really bad food choices. I can't even pretend that I can fix this and I can't not fixate on things when I ruin them. My godmother did tell me repeatedly that I was doing an awesome job. I took it to mean handling the logistical things and not having a meltdown in front of my mother. Because it never even occurred to me she could have meant anything else. Even when I was there, we never talked about anything substantial. The closest we came over 6 weeks was her telling me she'd hoped I'd've found a job and gotten settled before shit hit the fan. Which was fucking stupid to me because if I were working a brand new job I wouldn't have been able to do what I was doing. I mean I guess I'm a hypocrite because I didn't have anything to say to her either; I had to force myself to say "I love you" in the hospice and I don't even know if she heard me. I don't even know if I meant it. I don't know what I really expected or wanted her to say in that conversation we never had. But the fact that everyone is saying "oh she's more worried about your brother than anything; she knows you'll be okay" and she couldn't even tell me that? I literally would have settled for "no I don't have anything to say to you because I know you'll be okay/you're not as fucked up as the rest of the family/etc." Instead she said we'd already talked about everything (see my reply to Sylvaa) and she did also follow it up with "you two were the best kids I could have asked for." Okay?? But I don't want to hear about him? i'm the one here right now asking if there's anything you need me to hear and you're patting yourself on the back for raising us well? (Which, spoiler, I don't think I agree with either but okay sure, dying lady, do your thing.) I do know she wanted things I didn't get for her, because she was disappointed when we didn't have them. As for the rest of your post, I read it but I can't think of anything to say that wouldn't just be repeating myself from other replies. Sorry. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's vomiting my feelings all over this website. So you don't need to worry about that one. I know it's going to take time and energy. And it's going to suck. But I know I have to work through it because I have enough issues already, I don't need to add any more disorders or unhealthy behaviors as a result of not processing grief. Oh that's fun; as soon as I typed "grief" I stopped and thought, "but is that what it is though? Am I really grieving and sad about her death?" Jesus, my next therapist will be so rich by the time they're done with me. So yeah, you're clearly not wrong about the baggage thing. Actually speaking of baggage, I wonder if the reason I'm so upset about both her not having anything to say to me and the fucking everything up is that I was looking for the acknowledgment I never, ever got. (Circling back to what I said to Tank.) I never got the praise or encouragement I needed from her, at any point, and this was my last chance and instead of any of that I got blown off and I got the brunt of her anger at the end while my brother, who didn't do shit for her, was the one she clung to even when she barely knew what the fuck was going on around her. God damn it. As much as I need to hear this I hate when you all say this because it just underscores how badly I need to hear it. Because this is not a lesson I learned when I was younger and how fucked up is that? And now I'm sitting here crying over someone who couldn't even do that for me. It's funny because earlier I thought about it and I don't know when the last time was that I felt like her child? Or like she was my mother? Yes, I could call her when things went wrong and talk it out but honestly even before she was diagnosed I would come on here a lot more often and talk things out with you all, or even just sort it out myself while writing it out so people could understand the whole situation. Like if anything what I missed was being able to call her whenever, because she never slept well and hadn't been working for a while anyway due to injuries, so I could call during business hours or in the middle of the night and not have to worry I was disturbing her, when other people might be at work or asleep. But for a long damn time I felt at least like a peer if not a parent to her instead, trying to get her to sort out her shit or when she asked for help with the issues she was having. So it's harder now because I spent the last 6 weeks trying to keep her spirits up (I was so afraid she'd just give up in rehab) and keep her happy and make sure she had everything she needed, on top of doing all the logistical things because her brain was swiss cheese and she couldn't even make her own phone calls because a.) she'd lose track of things halfway through a sentence and b.) she couldn't even hold her phone to have a conversation, she'd just keep dropping it. I may be an adult and do okay at adulting for myself, but I had to be a grownup to deal with her and all her bullshit and I don't know how to stop doing that now that it's over. I've always made myself responsible for other people, especially my parents lately because they're both hot messes, and I don't know how to pull back. This is something I'd barely touched on with my therapist before I left DC, but my identity is so wrapped up in who and what I am to other people that I don't even know who Flea is. And this wound up being a tangent but fuck if it's not one of the underlying issues here.
  4. Flea Does a Thing

    But there were so many more things I could have done for her. There were so many things she was disappointed about in the last week she had. And I could have surprised her more often with little things. I'm so bad at taking care of people because I don't think of things like that. I wait for people to say what they need and my mother was never the type of person to ask for anything. The last fucking meal she ever ate she asked for chocolate milk and we didn't have any because I didn't think to buy it. She was waiting for me to surprise her with a fucking stuffed animal. Every time she asked us to bring her food in rehab or the hospital she loved it and I could have been doing that all along instead of waiting for her to ask. I'd brought her ham & cheese sandwiches a few days during the last hospital stay and she went crazy over them; she told me not to bring one that last day but I should have realized her memory was Swiss cheese because when someone mentioned it she looked so sad that I hadn't brought one because it sounded really good. It was the fucking little things that could have brought her comfort and joy in the fucking shittiest time of her life and I utterly failed at doing that. I just fucking sat in her room every day trying awkwardly to fill the silences until she got too tired and sent me home. She said I was her fucking best friend and that's the saddest thing ever because I wasn't doing half the fucking things I could have been doing the whole damn time. And she was so mad in the hospice house and there wasn't a fucking thing I could do to make it better. She was afraid to die and I never managed to get through to her. I couldn't make it better. And she wanted no part of me there. Never mind the fact that she spent an hour talking to my brother alone, and my father. And had nothing to say to me at all. How bad do you have to fuck up for that?
  5. Flea Does a Thing

    It's finally time to go to bed and suddenly I'm thinking about all the things I did wrong over the last six weeks and second-guessing all the decisions I made that weren't obvious fuck-ups because I must've done all that wrong too and just not noticed.
  6. Flea Does a Thing

    Made it through the day. Cried a lot. Really want to sleep. Currently drinking all the water and doing some cleaning. Will be back later when the headache goes away.
  7. Flea Does a Thing

    Gtfo I was literally about to tag him. I h8 u. Re the handshakes: my brother said he got limp fish too. Maybe it was more "you're not a cop so I don't want to crush you because I am crafted purely from testosterone"? Replies to other stuff later. It's 8am and I am not caffeinated yet.
  8. Flea Does a Thing

    tfw you're desperate to go to bed but also too exhausted to move from your definitely-not-sleepable position D:
  9. Flea Does a Thing

    Ex-bff came through and it was even more awkward than I expected. Whee. I really just want to go home and eat dinner.
  10. Flea Does a Thing

    Half the police department has come through for my father and uncle already and they all have seriously weak handshakes. It's kinda sad. Also I swear the funeral home is playing Pandora's relaxation radio station and it's making me laugh.
  11. Flea Does a Thing

    It doesn't look like her in the casket. I know it's her but it's not her. And I keep thinking we'll go home and she'll be there asking us how it was. Fuck this.
  12. Wobbegong Moseys Along

    We got lucky in that they were only in my room and not the whole house, but one day I was packing up some books between treatments and later I found one crawling on me in another room, so I'm paranoid. Freezing does kill them, but I think they have to get pretty damn cold for a decent amount of time. iirc a freezer wouldn't be cold enough? Or potentially wouldn't penetrate a book well enough to be sure they were dead. Im well past the point of their being dead if they were even there in the first place. It's still scary though.
  13. Flea Does a Thing

    Ugh tonight is going to suck. People I don't know shaking my hand for 4 hours. Plus her (and my) former coworkers, most of whom are annoying af. Plus ex best friend, her now-husband whom I would gladly shove into an active volcano, and her sister, who's actually okay but the whole thing will still be awkward. Also the uncle who didn't know when to fucking go away and the other uncle who rarely visited my mother but fucking lost it when I called him to say she'd died. I have to go to cvs to pick up a photo of her and the cat that claimed her. Might grab trail mix or clif bars or something so we dont all pass out from low blood sugar.
  14. Flea Does a Thing

    Did I say I found my shoes? Because I found my shoes. By accident. There's no reason for them to have been in the closet but there they were when I went to fish out tomorrow's outfit. Since my mattress and box spring are still in front of my closet door. Really need that job so I can gtfo. I thought I'd manage here but argh.