fleaball

thanks to both of you! Looks like I'll be making a trip to the library in the next couple weeks. Also @Whisper I'm cool discussing it here if you are warning: word vomit ahead! The reason behind the goal is like, a tiny part because literature on resilience and mental health and whatever shows that a sense of spirituality is good for you and I need all the help I can get. But a larger part because when considering all of that I do feel like there's actually something missing in my life and I think it's that sense of connection to something that spirituality supposedly provides. I'm just lost about where to start and how to get there. 12 years of Catholic school has ruined the entire concept of "religion" for me and I don't want anything to do with the concept of "god" in whatever form that may take. My therapist said to start with figuring out what I think a soul entails and I can maybe see where she'll go with that at my next appointment but in the meantime holy shit that's a huge question. I watch ghost hunting shows and mediums talking to dead people shows so clearly I haven't entirely written off the concept of an afterlife of some kind but I also can't say I 100% believe in ghosts and an afterlife either. Okay, so if we ignore that whole part of it then what else is there to contemplate? The universe as a higher power in and of itself? Everyone is connected by energy like some kind of less creepy hive mind? We're actually in some kind of simulation and nothing is real anyway? Idk. None of that resonates. the only times I've ever really had a sense of awe and like, "holy shit look at the vastness of everything and I am so small compared to everything that ever existed" (in a good way; I worded that horribly) is when I'm in the presence of Really Old Shit. Castles in Europe. Notre-Dame. Roman ruins literally everywhere. Petra. Like my brain literally cannot comprehend that people made these things hundreds if not thousands of years ago and they're still here for me to look at and be in and that's insane. But I can't just hop on a transatlantic flight any time I need inspiration. Also, "people were good at engineering" is also not a great starting point for spirituality. tl;dr I think I'm just trying to find something that will click for me but it kinda feels like nothing has or ever will? interesting thing that just came to me: I do remember being at the Tower of London and like, yeah there's the whole mind blown-ness of like, whoa here's this old fucking castle that's been here for centuries and damn it's just surrounded by modern life wow. But I remember hearing guides talking about the history and the prisoners that had been kept there and there's a glass sculpture of a pillow in memory of Anne Boleyn and other people who were beheaded there and I do remember feeling this weird overwhelming like, sadness but also something more than that? And it was hard to shake after leaving. Like "I cannot believe all of the things that happened here" and like the energy of the place was just different. I wonder if that was all just in my head or if there's something worth poking at that memory for. Of course my therapist is off this week so now I have to figure shit out on my own. Boo. If you've made it this far, thanks for sticking around.

woo!

All of the space. In all of the ways that space can be had. 1. physical space: - find homes for all the shit in my room that doesn't belong where it is (ideally in the first two weeks because we have electricians coming April 5 for 3 weeks yuck) - give away or otherwise get rid of the whole bin of stuff I don't want (by the end of the challenge) 2. mental space: - journal OR meditate every day (both is better) 3. financial breathing room space: - no more than 1 takeout order a day (ideally none but baby steps) - don't buy anything that isn't an absolute necessity 4. spiritual space? - someone help me out here idk how to spirituality if-you-squint physical space goal: lose weight, thereby taking up less physical space and everything seems roomier!

Here for all the daily daily-ing!

Good news: ol' poopfoot is doing well. Haven't seen any more limping or shaking his foot or anything like that. I'll probably try again tomorrow to check and not get mauled but I think we're in the clear. It probably wasn't that much of an issue to begin with but I always freak out when there's something wrong with either cat. Need to work on that. kinda ready for the new boards go up but also don't really want to deal with challenges. Hmm. And I want French fries to magically appear in my lap.

Awesome. Thank you. I'm clueless about this stuff.

Cool, now the gremlins are all like "lolol he's gonna die because his foot's gonna be infected hahaha." I saw zero signs of infection or irritation or whatever so IF there is an issue or something then whatever I have time to call the vet or whatnot. I just need to murder some fucking gremlins somehow.

I live with idiots. cut because cat poop: also, I have a question because I am an idiot: I had a bunch of clean wet paper towels on a plate so I could grab a new one when I needed it. And then I fucking put a used shit-covered one on top of the clean ones on said plate. Actual dinner plate. Should I bother trying to wash that plate or just chuck it? No dishwasher to sanitize it or anything. I just don't want to be eating off a cat shit plate. It's like all my goddamn brain cells shut down when I have to manage Thing 1 and Thing 2.

My therapy homework for the week: figure out what I think a soul is. I'm gonna need several drinks.

Even though I really didn't do anything this challenge I'm glad it's over. Idk maybe it was the fact that I had a lot I was dreading over this particular five weeks. im once again feeling vaguely optimistic about doing shit for no apparent reason. It's not a bad thing obviously but I do wonder what changed (and how do I keep it from changing back?). Hopefully I can take this spotty motivation into the next challenge. I don't know what I want to do for it but I know if I don't at least make a thread I won't bother even pretending to work on goals the next month or so. And now it's bedtime because I'm too annoyed with life to do anything else. But there's no cat shit on my bed tonight so that's a win.

Fat Kitty stepped in his own shit in the box, apparently, and now has litter-crusted shit stuck to his feet. And has been walking all over my bed with it. Someone kill me.

poke

I successfully parallel parked my father's gigantic suv yesterday and wanted everyone to know. that is all.

Today in #nerdproblems: tried Irish on Duolingo since it's been a few years since it came out and maybe they fixed what I didn't like about it. well they did fix that. But now there's a male voice and a female voice that say the words and they're pronouncing them fucking differently . That's not helpful in any way, especially for a language that looks nothing like how it sounds. also did 1 lesson of Hindi and bailed on that too bc I still don't like how Duo handles non-Latin alphabets. Not sure if it's a them problem or a me problem but oh well. Someone come over and tuck me into bed and tell me a story please.

Survived the eye doctor and my prescription hasn't changed. Woo. water goal has been good, took my probiotic today for the first time in a while, inhaler goal is not happening, and plant goal is still being reached since it's too small to fail. Pretty sure the pulmonologist telling me I should recover with no issue killed any motivation I had for the inhaler goal. Like, obviously it would help to use the damn thing as prescribed instead of half as often, both in my daily life and in terms of covid recovery. But given that is hasn't been part of my routine for a long time it's just a struggle to remember to do it. Dear brain, get with the program pls. I've been in a mood all day today. And of course while typing "I don't know why" I realize I do and it's just that I'm super drained from all the appointments and people-ing this past week. Okay mystery solved, although I'm annoyed by it anyway. Also not helping my mood: - hey dad, should I order grasshopper tacos? - why, because Al Gore and John Kerry told you to? 😒. He sometime watches Bizarre Foods and other travel related food shows and when there's something "weird" or "gross" will ask me if I've had it/would have it and then seems grossed out if I say yes. (Btw duck also fits this description. Seriously.) So I thought I could gross him out with this. And instead I get a snarky science-denying implication that I can't decide things for myself. (Maybe not obvious to anyone else but ever since my brother and I were kids we've apparently been incapable of having our own opinions on things. To the point that we must have been "indoctrinated by liberal scum teachers" ...in Catholic school.) (and yet this man votes for Trump and has contributed to his campaign.) whatever. So I'm pissy about that. And about - is that a real thing? - yes - where would you get grasshoppers here? - Mexican place in [neighboring town] - that's weird, in all my years working in [Boston neighborhood adjacent to said town] I've never heard of any Spanish places having that. Spanish places. In areas with huge populations of Central American immigrants. Have I mentioned I fucking hate this man? right. I said I wasn't going to complain about him as much here. Off to go do something productive with my rage I guess. Edit: oh and the cardiac nurse reordered a zio patch made for sensitive skin. Pretty sure I'll have to go into the hospital for a 5 minute appointment for them to stick it on me. Meh. I took the other one off on Wednesday and my skin is still angry about it so that will be interesting whenever it happens.

SO that heart monitor lasted ~23 hours before I had to take it off. Woke up the morning after getting it and the skin underneath it was bright fucking red. Like a traffic light. And it was itchy as hell and burning. I know I'm allergic to (some) adhesives but I've never had that kind of reaction to anything that I can remember. Called the company and was like "hey this is happening, is there anything I can do to mitigate it?" and the girl was like noooo you just need to take that off like right now. Awesome. Did so, the redness not better but isn't gone and I'm pretty sure I took a layer or two of skin off with it. It doesn't hurt or itch so I'm cool with it. But man, I was looking forward to data and yeah nothing of value is going to come from that now. Oh well. Finally, finally got a massage today. Lady wasn't as good as the one I like who's not there right now, but pretty fucking good anyway. I feel pretty damn good right now. I'm going to hurt so bad tomorrow though. Will probably take some ibuprofen before bed. Which should be much earlier than usual today because I have not had caffeine and I'm feeling that too. I had ordered a green tea with lunch and got something herbal instead. So now it's 7pm and I kinda just want to faceplant in my bed. I also did a couple errands earlier and god, with all that, the appointments on Tuesday, and the eye doctor tomorrow I am so exhausted and never want to see another human being again. I don't want to go outside, I don't want to interact with anyone, I just want to crawl into a cave in the middle of the woods and never come out. goals have been meh as usual because what are spoons?

hugs

As usual I am so fucking tired. Fat Kitty had his monthly shot this morning and then I had to run to a cardiology appointment and hoo boy traffic was fucked for 1:30 on a Tuesday. Appointment went well; mostly it was just to check in because I'd messaged the doctor about covid shenanigans and I'm not seeing her til July so she said to see an NP who works with her. Nurse basically echoed the pulmonologist in that it makes sense that my heart rate would be more elevated and to give it more time to chill out. EKG was normal, blood pressure was fine, basically back to the usual "lose weight, exercise more, stop eating garbage." (My words not theirs but that's the gist of it anyway.) So even though I left there feeling reassured and chill about my situation I'm still wound up because of course I was anxious going in and now that has nowhere to go. Blehhh. Clinging to the good news though yay. I also left the appointment with something called a zio patch? Which is a big ol' fucking sticker on my chest that will measure my heart rate for the next 14 days and then I mail it back for them to download the data from. She suggested it so it can track what's going on and I also have to note when I feel like something is off (palpitations, racing, etc) and they'll check it and see what happened at that point. Should be interesting. Ugh my brain is shorting out. I want to say more but words aren't working because I'm so tired. Womp. Maybe tomorrow.

lurking!

My father is so fucking gross. Since having covid he's apparently got sores or something in his mouth and his lips are dry and everything mouth-related hurts... but instead of calling the doctor about it he's just spent the last three months complaining and making these nasty fucking slurping noises every ten seconds because apparently that helps? It is literally constant and only stops when he's asleep. I'm at the point where I'm just going to vomit because of how fucking disgusting it is. He just asked to use my thermometer and blood pressure machine because for the past several weeks (?!) he's been having spells of feeling faint and/or like he's flushing despite not turning red. Idk. I wanted to fucking strangle him with the blood pressure cuff while I had to listen to all that. 🤢 (bp and temp are currently normal, he's just in his own head about how it's Friday night and he should have called the doctor weeks ago and now they're closed for the weekend so what if something happens... honestly take my health anxiety and multiply it by a million and you get him. It's obnoxious. And now I'm going to spend half the night waiting to be told he needs a ride to the ER bc he's working himself into a panic. I was in the middle of eating when he asked for my stuff and now I'm so grossed out I don't want to look at food ever again istg.) anyway. Took probiotic, hit water goal, there are at least three plants in the salad sitting next to me if my appetite ever comes back, and I did not use my inhaler this morning because I could not be fucked. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Gonna try to post here more often, and more about the challenge than my idiot father. Pray for me.

Remember last challenge how I was talking about being good in a crisis versus my father? yeah. today around 11am he was adding water to the furnace and apparently didn't shut it off all the way. Around 4:40 I'm hearing this weird noise from the kitchen, go down to check, oh there's water coming out of a new spot in the ceiling and it's warm water too? Thats awesome. Yell for my father, show him, head down to the cellar to figure it out. He starts grabbing a mop because there's water all over the kitchen floor and I'm like "that can wait until we figure this out!" He's mad I yelled at him. Go downstairs, water all over the floor and dripping from a half dozen places. I initially reach for the whole house water shut off thing then realize I'm hearing water in the furnace pipe (idk it's a distinct sound to me and no one else?) and yell at him to close it bc he's closer. He starts losing his goddamn mind and screaming about how he's so fucking stupid and he can't believe he did that and blah blah blah and I shockingly managed to snap him out of it by yelling "you can freak out about it later, call the plumber first!" He does, we talk to the guy, he says drain the furnace and he'll send someone out. Long story shorter, aside from floorboards and whatever else getting wet that shouldn't be wet, things are fine. Obviously it's not a great thing to have water flowing through your steam heating system but with the exception of the kitchen ceiling all the places it was coming out of are places that were more or less designed for steam to come out so it's not like new holes burst into existence anywhere. There's just a shit ton of water everywhere. shockingly my heart rate and blood pressure seem to be fine. I'm surprised how chill I was about it tbh. Immediate panic over the kitchen ceiling but then 'okay, go to the cellar and see what's up' and 'plumber says do this, gonna do this and see what happens.' And of course as we start draining water out of places it shouldn't be the leaking stops so I'm getting more calm. In the meantime my father continues losing his mind and yelling at/about himself. At one point I straight up banished him from the cellar. He wore himself out draining the furnace (pipe in question is in a weird spot so basically you fill a bucket about halfway and then have to dump it in the sink a few feet away) and he doubled down on the yelling and the freaking out. At that point the plumbers son had texted that he was on his way so I was just like "give me the bucket and go away. Go pace in the driveway and wait for the plumber, just call the fuck down for a minute." Didn't appreciate that either but went. chaos today. So much chaos. anyway challenge going meh as usual and I still hate everyone.

so, this challenge. heavy on the damage, not so much on the control. sleep has been shit for no discernible reason, post-covid bullshit is still doing its thing, Thing 1 and Thing 2 are in rare form lately... it's just a lot. I have really not been in the right headspace to do much of anything that needs doing. Water goal has been hit or miss, probiotic is mostly miss, inhaler is mostly miss, plant goal has been 100% only because it's pretty much impossible to fail the way it's designed. yeah I really don't have enough spoons for this post rn. I'll end with good news : yes I do have long covid, technically, but the pulmonologist feels like where I'm at is also totally normal for people with asthma recovering from a respiratory issue and that i should be back to normal in a couple months. so there's that.

❤️ how are you feeling after covid? I imagine that's not helping anything either.