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fleaball

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Posts posted by fleaball

  1. I woke up with such a fucking headache that won’t go away. Pretty sure it’s TMJ related bc my posture has been extra shit for a while. i actually can’t wait for that fatty liver study to start (was supposed to be last week, they rescheduled to next week) bc taking baby aspirin every day (or getting the placebo effect if not) definitely can’t hurt given all the inflammatory bullshit happening in my body right now. 
     

    in other news, even though I haven’t gone out for a walk in like six weeks my father has apparently become accustomed to me going out now. I came downstairs with headphones on as he was coming in the front door and he starts asking me if I have a house key. Yes? I ask why it matters and he says so he doesn’t lock me out. Never mind that the side door and garage door are never locked but whatever. He keeps getting pissy that I’m questioning why he’s suddenly asking me about keys when he should know I have one. Whatever. Subject changes, he does his complaining about life bullshit, then when he’s done complaining he says never mind go for your walk, how far are you going etc etc. 

     

    i look down to where I’m wearing ratty pajamas, no bra, and slippers. “I’m gonna finish doing the dishes.” Then he gets all pissy again, he thought I was going out because I have headphones on. So it’s my fault for not understanding that he was asking if I have a key *with me* under the assumption I was going for a walk. Never mind that literally every time I’ve gone out in the past I said “I have a key, please lock the door if you go out” because he never fucking locks the door. 
     

    so yeah. I guess Pokémon was good for something. Now I just need to get in the habit of going out again. 

    • Wow 1
  2. 2 minutes ago, Severine said:

    God what a bloody night. Everything always happens all at once. You should take all the food wrappers and put them in your dad's room if he can't clean up after himself. Let him enjoy the ants. Okay, not really, but fun to imagine. Also lol, we have our blinds closed most of the time.

    If we didn’t have brain dead cats who like eating plastic and other not-cat-food things I would seriously consider just dumping all his shit in his room istg. Like he complains about my brother leaving shit lying around all the time (valid, although he’s somehow less messy than my father in common areas) and like… dude just shut up. Pot/kettle, glass houses, whatever, pick your metaphor. 

     

    2 minutes ago, Severine said:

     

    Totally hear you on the book-reading discomfort at recognizing things in the descriptions. I felt that way about a couple of the trauma books I read. I still found them very helpful but it took a lot of emotional energy to read them.

    High five. I noped out of The Body Keeps the Score in chapter 1 two or three years ago. Now it just sits on my bookcase taunting me with its stupid orange spine. I’ll get back to it at some point but hoo boy there are not enough spoons for that one right now. 

     

    2 minutes ago, Severine said:

    FWIW another good pet-safe place to put the little ant squares is under the stove and fridge. If they're far enough under, animals can't fish them out and they tend to be ant-attracting places due to dropped crumbs.

    Oooh good call. I’ve been hyper focused on trying to put them where we think the ants are coming from right now, but putting them elsewhere can’t hurt. 

    • Like 3
  3. Oh and on top of all this fun, there’s a weird bump that just appeared on my boob today. Doesn’t look like a zit, doesn’t itch like a bug bite. I know cancerous lumps usually can’t be seen and are internal so I’m not panicking that it’s that. But like, hey mystery bump, of all the places you could have appeared you have to pick that one? And right now?

    • Sad 1
    • Angry on your Behalf 1
  4. I’ve told my father three days in a row we have an ant problem and to be aware of leaving food out. He gets pissy that I nag and also because having pests of any kind is an obvious we aren’t some kind of “””normal””” household.* 

     

    So of course my brother texts me a photo at 2am of an ice cream sandwich wrapper just hanging out on the counter and oh yeah, swarming with ants. There’s also a plate with the remnants of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, plus some aluminum foil covered in watermelon juice. 
     

    but we don’t know why we have ants, right? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

     

    i put down two bait traps and I’m crossing my fingers. It was a bitch to figure out where to put them because I am the only one of us that ever closes cabinet doors, so even my brother agreed we shouldn’t put them in certain places if we want the cats to stay away. 
     

    have I mentioned I hate my life?

     

    *because he is obsessed with appearances even though no one will see ants or mice or whatever from outside the house? When I was younger he would storm through the house every day yanking blinds all the way open because “people will think we’re freaks” if they were closed. 

    • Like 3
  5. Scheiße. It’s July 3rd, otherwise known as the day my mother went to the hospital and began her downward spiral. All week I’ve been feeling like there was something significant coming up and whoop, there it is. Now we can all look forward to me being extra moody for the next six weeks. Especially as it gets closer to august, because this will be 5 years and I have no idea how Thing 1 and Thing 2 will handle it. 
     

    Unrelated, it just occurred to me that if my father’s sleeping meds actually start to do their job so I might also be able to go to bed earlier and sleep better since he won’t be up screaming at all hours. Cross your fingers yall. 
     

    and now I’m going to eat a salad and continue reading a book aptly called Toxic Parents. 

    • Sad 4
  6. I texted my father to get the aforementioned ant traps while he was out. (Thanks ladies!) He wasn’t out, he’s on the back porch. He started taking a sleeping med on Wednesday and it’s not helping him sleep yet but it is fucking him up so he can’t drive during the day. As far as ant traps go, whatever, I’ll ask my brother to look for them at work tonight. But if my father is going to be around all day every day now I might just cry. 

    • Sad 5
  7. Oh my god kill me. So one of the things I helped my father with the other day was the patient portal for our hospital system because holy fuck is it not user friendly and also he’s an idiot who doesn’t pay attention to things anyway. In it we find an unread letter from the guy who did his colonoscopy the first week of June and it says there’s an indication of collagenous colitis; some medications can cause it, apparently, so he told my father to make an appointment with his office to go over his med list and discuss what else to do. (He immediately called to make said appointment, after I yelled at him to, but then he made it for the very end of this month. It’s virtual. You’re an idiot.) 

     

    I googled it just now while I’m waiting to not get reflux from my snack. 
     

    it’s a form of IBD. 
     

    fuck my life. 
     

    according to the Cleveland clinic page it’s not life threatening or nearly as serious as other types of IBD but it’s also rare and thus not well studied so the treatment is basically ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . Like generally modifying your diet, trying an elimination diet, reducing sugar and gluten, and eating an anti inflammatory diet are all suggested. Have I mentioned my father has the eating habits and palate of a toddler? When I looked at his test results in the past and said oh you’re negative for celiac he was like “good because I would have punched someone if they told me I had to do that gluten free bullshit.” So this is going to go over real fuckin well. 
     

     

    am I catastrophizing a bit? Probably. Is whatever treatment he needs for this going to suck for me regardless? Absolutely. Even if it’s just diet modification I’m going to have to hear him bitching all the time. Ugh. 
     

     

     

    okay. Now I’m gonna try to go to bed despite it being hot as balls and despite thinking there are ants crawling all over me. Wish me luck. 

    • Like 4
  8. Decided over an hour ago I wanted to go to bed. As soon as I stood up I realized I was hungry. Fine, eat food and then go to bed after waiting a bit so reflux doesn’t murder me. Yeah no, still hungry. Then my brother texts me “so many ants.” Awesome. I go down and the two of us move pretty much everything on the counter and there’s no magical ant colony or hole where they could be coming through. Between us we kill about 30, but not all at once. No, they’re just popping up one or two at a time. Not in the same area of the counter either, just all across it. Doesn’t look like they’re coming from or returning to a central location, they’re just there all of a sudden. They’re not in the bread box (or even in the moldy half loaf of bread that expired in May!), they’re not in the trash barrel part of the cabinet, they’re not anywhere. Until they are. 
     

    idk. I’m pissed. And tired. And still hungry. My life is dumb. 
     

    also it’s 3:35am and 77F and humid. Imma need climate change to call the fuck down because I do not need this shit right now. 

    • Like 1
    • Sad 3
  9. Fwiw I asked my GI about both vitamin E and milk thistle, which is apparently supposed to be good for your liver. He said they vit e especially was like all the rage for liver issues in the 80s and 90s (something to do with HIV?) but there’s no actual research that proves it does anything. I forget what he said milk thistle started to be used for but he said there’s also no evidence that does anything either. He said neither of them can harm you so basically if you want to try to placebo yourself into it, go for it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

     

    i know I’ve def read that vitamin E can help so idk if it’s based on old research or if it’s been blown wildly out of proportion (like those “these houseplants will clean your air!” but apparently you’d need a whole wall of them to actually make a difference). MGH is currently doing a study on whether it will help HIV patients with fatty liver, but only that population. So idk. 
     

    not sure what my point is here. Except that maybe I shouldn’t be posting at almost 5am. But yeah while my doc has said the same, that not *everyone* develops cirrhosis like… I still don’t want to risk cirrhosis? It sounds like that’s a case of a lucky few avoiding it, as opposed to only unlucky people getting it. 

    • Like 3
  10. Sharing this in case it helps anyone else make sense of their issues. 
     

    so this week in therapy I brought up how I like, can’t conceptualize things in the future? Like I’ll book races months out with more than enough time to train and then suddenly the race is tomorrow and I haven’t done anything. Or I’ll see a job I want to apply to and it actually has a closing date on it and somehow my brain translates that to “it’s not due til X date” and then I still won’t do it and the date passes. Or the ever popular “there is a 20-page paper due at the end of the semester and I swear I’m going to start next week” and then whoops the paper is due in two hours and I’m on page 3. 
     

    fun fact, I’m not trying to pathologize every single issue I have. Buuuuuut my concept of “normal” is so fucking broken that I’m constantly asking her “is this an actual problem, and if so how big of one, and either way how do I fix it?” I’m saying this mostly as a reminder to myself because I’m so fucking annoyed that I constantly need literal reality checks and am still finding things that are like “yeah no, that’s not how normal/healthy people do things.” Womp. 
     

    anyway. So I’d also mentioned seeing a tumblr post once upon a time discussing how for some people with certain issues, some are somehow like hyperaware of time and some have time blindness and it just means nothing to them. I didn’t explain it well to her nor am I doing it well now because it’s been years since I saw that post but still. And she said that some with various executive dysfunction issues only deal with time as “now” and “not now.” Where obviously “now” is what matters and “not now” is too far away to be real. And “not now” varies from person to person; for some it might be next week, others next month, etc. The key is figuring out what your own “not now” is and structuring things within those limits. 
     

     

    aaaand that’s all I got on that. It totally makes sense to me but it also overloaded the poor hamster on its spinning wheel in my brain. My therapist is off the next two weeks so I guess I get to spend that time trying to parse this shit out. And trying to untangle what is a time issue (just doesn’t feel soon enough to matter) vs what is an anxiety issue (avoiding it because scared) vs what is a depression issue (inertia mostly). Yes something could be more than one of the above but untangling things will still help. 
     

    Also I’m really fucking annoyed. A number of things I wind up talking with her about, like this one, she’ll say something like “in people with depression/anxiety/ADHD…” and fine, that makes sense because they’re all executive dysfunction. But I’ve wondered about AD(H)D f o r e v e r and can’t get an answer. Did a couple of assessments with my therapist in DC and fell juuuust below the threshold for needing to see someone for a diagnosis. Take online assessments, grains of salt included, constantly get scores  that say “hey go talk to a professional because you might have this.” Asked my current therapist, apparently it’s not a stretch to think I could have it but since most of my symptoms could also be explained by anxiety or depression or ptsd any testing or whatever would be inconclusive. So I need to wait until I can downgrade from being a hot mess to just a lukewarm one? Room temperature? Regardless I’d have to move out because nothing that I could do know would give a clear picture given the constant reacting to trauma and bullshit. 

     

    and it sucks because while not every problem needs to have an associated diagnosis and I can work on things as they crop up, having a name or an explanation for things helps me deal with it and gives a more complete picture. Case in point, I was seeing my therapist in DC just for anxiety. We talked about my parents and my shitty childhood and she agreed with me that they weren’t supportive and really sucked and that’s where some of my issues came from, it makes so much more sense to say “oh this is a trauma response” than “yeah idk my parents suck.” Like knowing that I have PTSD puts things into perspective and presents a framework through which to deal with the symptoms and the causes. If someone could tell me, for sure, that I *dont* have adhd, I could go “okay, time to look harder at how this issue could be trauma or anxiety.” And if I *do* have it, then it’s “okay how does this complicate the issues” and/or “have I been attacking this one thing thinking is mostly a depression thing but maybe it’s adhd instead?” But nope. Caught here in fucking purgatory. 
     

    i had no plans to write the second half of this post, I was just going to write about the time thing and move on. But clearly this adhd thing is weighing on me. It’s not like one of my signature moves is fixating on something that I can’t actually do anything about and then use said fixation as an excuse for not actually doing anything about other problems I could maybe work on. Nope, never done that in my life. Never. 

    • Like 3
    • Sad 3
  11. can we stop being so similar please? I've said way too many times that my house will be a Hoarders episode in the future. I swear to god having to clean up other people's shit in order to do literally anything in communal space... ugh. And I'm possibly in camp ADHD, definitely in camp "lol what even is executive function." 

     

    I'm fucking shuddering reading your discussion about 12-step programs. a college friend of mine wound up in the AA for young adults and became pretty insufferable. like it took over her life. suddenly she was trying to convince me my anxiety would disappear if I just found my higher power and blah blah... nope. if it works for you great, leave me out of it. 

     

    idk how you feel about reddit but r/stopdrinking seems like a helpful and not judgmental place. 

     

    On 6/29/2022 at 2:30 PM, Severine said:

    My old therapist said he thought that I was trying to punish myself for my poor choices and was subconsciously disappointed that I was getting away with it, and hence continued because I wouldn't be "satisfied" until I actually did experience negative consequences. I'm not sure if I agree with him 100% but at least part of what he said rang true. @fleaball and I talked about it once but I can't remember what she said.

    I have zero recollection of this conversation but I'm sure it happened. The thing that comes to mind now is like... "I have no right worrying about this thing if my numbers came back okay/if I'm not in the danger zone yet/if I'm not as bad off as other people." YMMV. For a personal example, my A1c is high enough that I'm officially diabetic, but it's only just over the threshold and I don't need to take drastic measures to deal with it. So who the fuck am I to be worrying about it or even trying to improve it when there are people out there who are losing limbs to it and can't look at sugar ever again? Does it make logical sense? Absolutely not. But I've gone through life being told my problems aren't ever as bad as other people's, so trying to address them before they pass the point of no return feels like it's fruitless or selfish or not allowed or some other bullshit. 

    • Like 1
  12. 17 hours ago, Severine said:

    L. saying "No really I'm going to cook this week" -- buy lots of ingredients -- oh nope haha there wasn't time to cook -- ingredients go bad -- L. feels deep and abiding shame when we need to throw away spoiled, unused groceries is a really shitty cycle I would like to bail out of.  Another recent development is that D. has been diagnosed with fatty liver disease and our doctor is really stressing to him that (1) diet and exercise are the only things that will help and (2) it's potentially serious and needs to be addressed sooner rather than later.

    oh man. I am far too familiar with the process of buying and ignoring and throwing out groceries. woof. As far as fatty liver, my GI agrees with your doc. He keeps saying that even lowering your BMI (gag) a couple points makes a massive difference. I wish it were that easy, sir. Trust me.

    • Like 4
  13. On 6/29/2022 at 8:53 PM, Severine said:

    Wait...he thinks you're seeing a robot therapist? Or does he mean like...setting goals and having friends online?

     

    The pension thing is a classic case of skewed priorities. I've heard so many stories of him doing dumb things that cost him a bunch of money and/or time (poor decisions about repairs on the house come to mind) and he seemed fine with all of that, but can't let that $63 get away.

    I don't even fucking know. Like, best case maybe he doesn't understand how therapy can work if you're not in the same room with them? Because he's seen multiple doctors virtually so he definitely wasn't questioning the concept of virtual appointments in general. He def doesn't mean me being here because he has no concept of it. 

     

    he's the fucking textbook definition of 'penny wise, pound foolish.' add to that his massive sense of entitlement and it's just a mess of wasted time and unnecessary stress. but yeah, let's spent a stupid amount of time trying to claim this laughable pension, but then totally ignore actual problems that will have actual consequences sooner rather than later. :rolleyes: 

     

    11 hours ago, Marauder said:

    Im in Utah.  I can't help anyone.  Not even myself or my daughter.  Im mostly just angry.  I imagine there are plenty of us feeling that right now.  I've always been the minority here in many ways, but its feeling more and more burdensome as time passes.

     

    11 hours ago, Athaclena said:

    Tennessee here. Literally not a single dem even RUNNING for most local races. And watching\reading local "debates" makes me want to scream. It's the same back home in SC where I grew up - and I just couldn't stay in Atlanta (although my district flipped blue in the last election - I was about ready to commit felonies on my neighbors and needed to go where there were fewer people). I will personally be poking our state party leadership about WTF to do in our district - state and federal - before 2024.

     

    It's not the same thing at all, but I feel like I can't do a whole lot to help from where I am either - like, Elizabeth Warren is one of my senators. Doesn't really need to be convinced of anything right now. I can call and say "hey keep doing what you're doing" but like, aside from donating to the ACLU or Satanic Temple or whatever, there's no one I can vote for to change things and no angry phone calls I can make to register with some dickhead who only cares about getting reelected in November. Like yeah for now I'm safe living where I am but it's a different kind of "fuck, now what?"

     

    5 hours ago, Athaclena said:

    I SO feel this. I love my hubby - but because of his health issues he is completely unable\incapable of having anything resembling a set schedule. But the kitchen is MINE and he doesn't complain (possibly because he knows he BETTER NOT) when he gets a plate in the fridge if he sleeps through dinner..... but lots of people don't understand that he flips his schedule REGULARLY unless he absolutely HAS to do something\be somewhere that he simply cannot bail on.....

    teach me how to scare people out of the kitchen plz. every time I think I've found a time where no one can possibly be around to bother me... nope.

    • Like 2
  14. I’m gonna fucking murder people. Mostly my father. Yesterday I asked him if he was going to the Thursday night car show because if yes I’d get groceries delivered but if not I’d pick them up from the store and run other errands at the same time. He said he was going. So today I’m like great, the delivery is coming shortly before he’d leave, my brother is going to work around the same time, I’ll have the house to myself for a bit and I’ll make some food. 
     

    he’s not going. 
     

    i can still make what I wanted because it’s mostly cutting things and not cooking but like… fuck you? I specifically asked what you were doing today and made plans accordingly and now that’s all just gone out the fucking window. 
     

    hilariously, my homework for my nutritionist this week is to “observe the flow of the kitchen every day” to see if I can identify a time where no one else is around to bother me so I could jump in and meal prep or something. I love her but she just doesn’t get that rules and patterns don’t apply in this house and as soon as I identify something that might work they just change up their routines as if they can read my mind. 
     

    Now I’m going to be angry for the rest of the day. And I still have to shower and go to target, plus whatever other fucking bullshit comes my way. 

    • Angry on your Behalf 4
  15. What an actual fucking waste of a day. Had therapy, then asked my father if he was ready to do the ONE thing he mentioned last night that he wanted to do after my appointment. And then that became “oh, while you’re here” and “hey that reminds me” and ugh. I got so wrapped up in all of it that I totally forgot to eat anything. So between that and the 4 fucking hours of doing his shit with him my day is just shot. I didn’t really have anything in particular planned but there is an ever-present to do list I could have worked on; sadly those tasks require brain power and I currently have none left. 
     

    good(ish) news is that all but one thing we did today are things I’ve been begging him to finish doing and/or have been hearing him bitch about but never do. So I will be quite pleased not to deal with these things again. 
     

    55 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

    Give him an invoice for helping him in the amount of $63.51.

    I love this idea in theory. But the idea of putting in any extra effort related to him, even if it’s to be a petty bitch, just gives me fucking hives right now

    • Like 7
  16. So he said “thank you” more than once and it almost sounded sincere but each time it was accompanied by some variation of “you shouldn’t have to do all this for me/I should be able to do this myself” and as far as I’m concerned that immediately negates the sentiment. I didn’t get to call him out on it directly because I’m currently brain dead, but I did say “I don’t want to hear it, if you want to fix things find a therapist.” Then he got all defensive because the mental health department of the clinic our doctors are at has called a couple times to see if he’s still interested in therapy but no one’s gotten back to him after he says yes, so it’s not his fault. :rolleyes: 
     

    he had a virtual appointment with his doctor yesterday and just now he said something about how he meant to ask her if “those computer ones you see all the time” were any good and “my daughter does that, are they any better than seeing a real person” and I just fucking…. I can’t. Like I get maybe not wanting to ask me about therapy because I’m his daughter and that’s weird or something idfk (despite having no issues dumping his problems on me directly) but holy shit you’re so fucking dumb. He started spouting some other bullshit and I told him to stop talking and go run the errands he was about to do. Not entertaining any more of your shit, thanks. 
     

    (Did i mention one of the things I helped him with today was claiming my mother’s pension, because the supermarket is a union store? And said pension comes out to $63.50 in this case? I lost track of how many times I asked him if it was even worth bothering with it but noooo, he has to get anything and everything he [feels he] is entitled to. I might kill him myself tbh.)

    • Like 6
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