fleaball

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I'm so fucking tempted to see if I can order a durian fruit on Instacart. Just so I can cut it open and hide it in my father's bedroom somewhere. for real though, my uterus has been bleeding (heavily!) for 3 of the past 4 weeks, my iron is low as a result, and I have been exhausted. And now this selfish fucking asshole gives me a highly contagious potentially deadly virus to fight off at the same time. Oh and he went to Dunkins this morning as usual and literally told my brother not to tell me because he knew I'd get pissed. yall i just fucking can't. I'm so tired of this. I had to clean the fucking microwave because there was mold growing in it and no one else even cared and used it anyway. I was not microwaving food in mold. Like what even. And now I'm getting attitude from both him and my brother for not being super cheery and happy to help them with their unimportant issues. I just want to cry for days but I'm pretty sure I'm too dehydrated for that to even happen.

- oh god those fucking [paxlovid] pills are awful! - forgive me for not being sympathetic - *snarky childish imitation of me* I don't even know why they gave it to him unless he didn't mention being sick for two weeks and just said his daughter got diagnosed yesterday. I'm trying not to let him get to me. I'd rather that energy go toward my immune system doing its thing. But it's really fucking difficult given the circumstances and context here. on the bright side, since I can't fucking smell anything for the foreseeable future I don't have to deal with the stench of whatever godawful body wash he uses too much of when he showers. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

NOW he went and got tested despite having been sick for two weeks already, and now it's my fault that he's positive and "I contaminated him." I am beyond livid. I wear a mask whenever I go anywhere. I wash my hands and don't cough with my mouth open like my father a toddler. I've done everything I can not to get sick myself or spread anything to other people. And this fucking asshole who does the exact opposite on a regular basis because fuck other people gets me sick and insists on being a jackass about it. I would say I hope it kills him but he's already had it for two weeks so it's unlikely. God help me if he gets long covid.

Happy Friday the 13th, guess who has covid! I guaran-fucking-tee you I got it from my father who's been sick for ten days. Goddamnit.

Since I mentioned a doctor appointment, an update before I disappear again. - GI doc is not at all concerned with what's happening. Apparently it's just IBS and my body hates me, despite this being new/different. - PCP isn't concerned if GI's not concerned. Woo. - Will be discussing a low-FODMAP diet with my nutritionist when I see her in 2 weeks because I have no fucking clue what else to do about this. It will suck balls and take so much prep if I go through with it but whatever. - you know what's better than getting your period? Getting it again a week and a half later and with a vengeance despite not missing any pills. This hasn't happened in the 7 years I've been on the pill. PCP says watch and wait on this too, but she's already ordered labs for me to get done if this goes on too long. and a just for fun tidbit: my father made himself soup to treat his current man flu and somehow managed to extinguish the flame on the burner without actually turning the gas off. really going to retreat into a hole now for the next several weeks.

Hi, not dead, just doing a good impression of it. Undefined health woes continue to plague me and some fun new ones have popped up as well. Still can't get a good night's sleep to save my life and spoons are but a distant memory. My doctor actually scheduled a virtual appointment for Wednesday because she's concerned about how long shit's been weird. Probably not a great sign. And yet none of my symptoms fit anything concerning. Who fucking knows. Anyway, I'm probably out til the next challenge. No spoons or energy or any of the things I need to cosplay a functional adult human.

Negative. Nothing and no one gets between me and ranch dressing.

My fucking cat has a fucking death wish. Fat Kitty just rocked up and started licking the cover of a container of ranch dressing six inches away from me. He's usually not that brazen nor does he like things that smell like that. I don't know what to do with this fucking idiot.

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It's 64 right now and I'm hot. God help me when menopause hits. So I was on track to be in bed by 9 tonight. And then around 8:30 two furry dickheads helped themselves to some chicken wings from a mediocre Chinese place by knocking over a bag of trash. And I panicked. Don't think they got much (neither has many teeth left) but gremlins got the better of me so I called the ASPCA poison control line and paid $95 for them to tell me the assholes should be just fine. Which I figured beforehand but needed someone not-me to say it. Ugh. and then Fat Kitty went and slept on a bag of tortilla chips so he's clearly just fucking fine and dandy. Why are cats so dumb? anyway. Yeah there was no going to bed after that. As evidenced by the fact that I'm posting just before 2am. Gross. challenge happened. Cleaning happened. Kitty cuddles happened and will happen more in a minute because it's officially acceptable temperatures for the heat-seeking barnacle to return. He actually stood right next to my head and squawked in my ear this morning to wake me up to let him under the covers. And then tried to steal them all. I love him but he's dumb. So dumb. the only thing on my to do list for Monday, aside from stupid challenge shit, is going to cvs for prescriptions I should have picked up last week. Oops. It's gonna rain all day so motivation will be lacking. Wish me luck!

I have no fucking energy or will to do anything. my father is on a rampage because Wednesday there's an electrician coming out to work up an estimate for rewiring the house and also doing a bunch of shit he's wanted done for years and keeps complaining about. So of course the house looks like shit and he's trying to clean but he's doing stupid shit that doesn't matter rather than focusing on the important stuff. I've said I'm happy to help if he tells me what he wants done but nothing on the first floor is my mess so I'm not just going to take it upon myself to go through his and my brother's shit. And my brother's room is back to being a pile of empty packaging and food wrappers and piss bottles and he seems to be in no hurry to do anything about it. There's just a lot of chaos and negative emotions swirling around right now and I'm caught in the middle of it. Physically I feel like shit. I don't know if it's still a sleep thing or something else. I'm working on getting shit done in my room (for my own sake not because of the electrician) and taking breaks but I'm so over it. Dishes have been washed and will be put away soon. Sheets are waiting to be put away. I nuked the kitchen sink yesterday. And there are still a bunch of other tasks to do. Argh. I really just need Thing 1 and Thing 2 (and tbh also the cats) to disappear for a couple days and give me time to catch up without dealing with their shit. That would be nice.

How tf has it almost been two years? That's crazy.

Hugs ❤️ that's a lot of shit to deal with

Oh for sure. If there's one thing I'm confident in it's that food only goes in food safe containers lol. All that's going in this thing is random shit that needs a temporary home. That is a ridiculously good point and I am mad about how simple it is. Gremlins thwarted.

Hey functional adults: I used a big plastic storage bin to soak my sheets in oxi-clean several weeks ago. I rinsed it when I was done, probably not perfectly. Is there any reason I can't or shouldn't just use it for storage now? For some reason I'm convinced I can never use it for anything but oxi clean again. I just want to toss shit in it for now to get things out of my way and shove it all in my closet. I feel like hot garbage and I'm not entirely sure why. Hangover from drama yesterday, sure. Also sleep issues. But I can't tell if it's just that or if I'm actually getting sick as well. I had a flu shot scheduled for tomorrow and just cancelled it because I don't need any help feeling like shit. (And also I just don't want to leave the house but whatever.) challenge: had sweetgreen instead of some kind of trash food. Made a number of unnecessary trips up and down the stairs for movement. Cuddled with fat kitty under the covers and fuck it that counts as stress relief because the warm weight of a big ball of cat curled up into me and trying to shove his feet in my internal organs is definitely relaxing. And fuck the gremlins that are saying that's cheating.

I don't think it made it through all the snark and crankiness but THANK YOU all for the angry reacts and the validation.

yuuuuup. There's also the fun fact that once upon a time, after being told to sit down and wait I just would have and proceeded to sit there being nervous the whole time without ever saying anything. This time I got assertive about it, which is supposed to be a good thing, and then it backfired spectacularly. Im glad I'm at a point where I can recognize being triggered instead of just "I'm so upset and I have no idea why?!" but man fuck everything related to ptsd. Im tired of this kind of shit ruining my day. god now there's a mini version of my therapist sitting on my shoulder telling me that it's still progress because my days get ruined less often and the episodes are shorter and look at the coping skills I'm using. No one invited you, let me stew over this in peace. D<

Still stuck on this. Kinda fucking hate that I'm #triggered over it. but such is life. Playing video games now to distract from it and let the drama burn itself out. Although I'm re-angry because the person who came out and told me I still had to wait then still took what I had, put it in the computer, and told me I was good to go while there were still like 7 people ahead of me. Was I right and they didn't want to say it? Did they just want to get rid of me? Doesn't make sense and now my brain is stuck on that part too. Ugggggh. This is why I put this off for two weeks. >_> and I played myself. Asked my father before I left to clean his shit out of the strainer and general area near the kitchen sink bc I wanted to hit it with comet and then do some dishes when I got back. And he actually fucking did. So now I have to do adult things despite just wanting to throw shit. Raaaaahhhhhhhhh. I did in fact make inhuman shrieking noises of frustration on the drive home. It helped in the moment. Not the best coping skill but not the worst.

She's calling numbers just to get people registered. I said again that I was specifically instructed not to wait in line because it's time-sensitive and she's like "I'm new I can't do it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ " I ask her to ask a lab person, someone comes out and says "we're busy you have to wait." So now I just look like an asshole in front of a whole room of people. And to be clear I don't fucking mind waiting. What I mind is doing as I'm told the last time (get a number and wait), getting yelled at and given other instructions, then later following those new instructions only to get yelled at and told I was right the first time. And looking like an asshole for it. Ugh.

Last time I had to drop off something at this lab I got yelled at to not take a number and wait because that was bad and I should just go straight to the counter and tell them. Today I do exactly that and get a death glare and "it goes by numbers, there are people ahead of you. 😠" yikes.

So it turns out I hate my brother's new schedule because it enables him to be more of an asshole. He comes home from work, parks his ass in the recliner in the living room, and stays there until 2pm if not later. And god help you if you try to speak to him or have to enter the living room for any reason. I really need one or both of these assholes to die soon for the sake of my sanity. took shower. Did fidelity call. Went to the lab place to pick up what I needed. Got coffee but honestly kinda just want to go back to bed rn even though it's almost 11. Yeah fuck it. Will email tax lady later, will attempt a nap or something now. My coffee will survive.

After saying screw my challenge for the day I then did some stretching and listened to relaxing music for like an hour. Yay me. adding to the to do list for thursday: email the tax lady with questions my father has because he’s an idiot, and look into virtual volunteering opportunities. I’ve looked before but nothing really clicked; if I can find something that works at least I’ll be doing something while avoiding the job hunt.

I did fuck all today. I'm gonna chalk it up to therapy hangover. Oh and the small fact that it's my mother's birthday so the ghost of anxieties past has been haunting me all day. Tomorrow will be full of adulting and I'm not excited. My father has a phone call with the fidelity advisor guy at 9am so I'm sitting in on that. Will be getting up beforehand to shower because I'm gross and it's still too fucking humid. And have already confirmed with him that once we're done I'm taking the car to go to the stupid fucking lab for what I need. So not looking forward to any of it. Alas. my father threw a tantrum today because he was mad about "how much money has to go into this fucking toilet of a house." I'm sorry, when you own a house for 37 years and do zero upkeep or maintenance outside of emergencies, this shit tends to happen. (Never mind that when they bought the house the realtor convinced them to use her nephew for the inspection instead of finding their own because he was just getting into the field or something? And it was super half assed and he missed shit, like you would fucking expect when you agree to something that stupid. And now I hear this story at least once a week every time he gets mad about something.) (actually no. I used to hear it once a week. I've yelled at him about it enough that now when he starts launching into his rant he cuts himself off because he knows I don't want to hear it.) (hi my name is flea and I use way too many parentheses.)

lmao I think I can find it in my shriveled heart to forgive you. I'm like the only person in the world who isn't in love with it anyway. I'm laughing at this because again you're not wrong, but part of therapy today was a discussion about how I make up my own rules for things anyway. So I've basically set it up so I can't win no matter what. #justfleathings I mean they're big deals in certain fields but they're not otherwise well known. Like one of them requires you to work for the federal government within X time period or you actually have to pay it back, and as part of that recipients are covered under some special hiring policy that's supposed to make it easier for us to get jobs or something? And fucking no one else knows about it. My father talked to some guy at the FBI office in town who did hiring for whatever his department or whatever was l, explained I had this award and this hiring exception thing, and dude had no clue what he was talking about. So yeah. Intense application, cool to get, not many people actually care. (I can tell you the names of them if you want to look them up or something but I don't want to post them bc I'd practically be doxxing myself.) As far as the questions went yeah it was rough. But the scholarship advisor guy and the faculty panels were all just like "pick something that sounds plausible, this shit isn't binding or anything." So I'm pretty sure I said I'd go straight from undergrad to a masters in Middle Eastern studies at Georgetown. Whoops. So it sounds interesting but given that supplements aren't regulated here I'm going to pass. I don't trust people.