fleaball

Oh for sure. It's just one of those things like when I'm playing a video game and thinking "fuck I wish I had X spell because it would really help right now but I know I can't get it until I finish the next 3 side quests." It's there, I'm working toward it and the XP I gain along the way is helpful, but it's just not enough yet.

Every book or article Ive ever read about mindfulness is always like "remember it's a practice hur hur hur you have to keep at it." Yes, thanks for the dad jokes. But it's still a struggle for me to actually grasp it. One-off guided meditation? I'll be there. Actually being able to pause when shit hits the fan or gremlins are on meth? Can't mindfulness that shit yet. And it's annoying. Especially since now I'm at the point where I can recognize "this situation would go smoother if I could pump the brakes for a sec." (in b4 someone tells me recognizing it is progress too) but seriously. Started giving FK miralax yesterday per vet instructions. Just now I happened to be sitting in the kitchen and watched him struggling to poop to no avail. Then he headed straight up to my room. And I instantly spiraled into "fml I don't want to take him to the emergency vet again. But if I give him more he might shit all over my bed too. Fuck the vet is closed tomorrow now what. Everyone I live with is useless I have to do this all myself I'm so tired of having to clean up literal and metaphorical messes I'm so fucking over living here but I don't see a way out either" etc etc etc. and then while I'm in the bathroom getting water I hear him heading downstairs again and when I get back down I see he's managed to poop. So not only was I losing my goddamn mind for several minutes, knowing I should chill the fuck out but not being able to, my freakout was then totally for nothing because it all worked out. This time anyway. It's so fucking annoying to know what I need to do but not be at a point where I can do it yet. Like just watching a train wreck in slow motion. Arrrrrrgh. I need to find myself a new massage person jfc. I am such a fucking mess. anyway. Meeting veg goal, water goal slacking, ignoring the fact that I had any other goals written out. Have been in a weird headspace and not loving the world this past week.

Fat Kitty is apparently having tummy troubles again. Not to the extent of last week but of course on my bed again. I would like a vacation from my life please.

20-odd years ago some guy in a delivery van ran a red light at a ridiculous speed and nearly killed my father in his little Nissan Altima. I've decided I would like to fight that guy. Not for nearly killing my father (okay maybe foe the "nearly" part), but because that crash is the direct cause of my father buying bigger cars every time he gets a new one. And I hate driving them. The Camry was bad enough; that fucker was like driving a boat. Then the glorified station wagon Outback, now the RAV4 which is just unnecessary. So I have beef with that guy. Maybe I'll just go to Salem and find someone to put a curse on him. Fr though, the first cop on scene straight up thought he was dead and apparently the EMTs who showed up weren't optimistic either. So close. 😞

Ordered my medical records from DC and going through them now to see if the lung function test I did is included. Apparently I had a partially collapsed lung during my week of fun in the hospital. Learn something new every day I guess. Oh and apparently I was septic (I remember being told the opposite) and my heart was kinda fucked up, like troponin levels consistent with a heart attack kind of fucked up. And the rash I went in with wasn't consistent with an allergic reaction to the antibiotic I'd been taking and have since thought I'm currently allergic to. This is fun. 120 pages of medical bullshit and a serious headache later, no, my asthma test is not included. Womp. seriously need to clean up my act now. 8 years later and 60+ pounds heavier I doubt I could survive something like that if it happened again. Fuck me.

I was wrong, apparently it's "lipoma," which is a benign fatty tumor. And they don't go away. Blehhhhh. She's not concerned unless it suddenly changes. I am not concerned because I actually slept last night and the gremlins are quiet. I'm still annoyed by the whole thing. I'll take annoyed over "surprise it's cancer" though. I'm also getting a referral to a long covid recovery clinic at one of the other hospitals here. Not because 'omg I'm doomed with life-altering long covid forever' but they do lung function tests and other assessments and go from there so yes, maybe I'll get some answers? Hopefully. Maybe I'll be able to breathe like a normal person and not have a headache anymore. That would be cool.

While putting on lotion at some point over the weekend I found some kind of cyst or something on my arm. Basically a lump under the skin, but it's not visible on my arm at all nor is it red/warm/leaking fluid/anything that should make it worrisome. and yet I'm worried. Because gremlins gonna gremlin. I did email my doctor about it last night saying "hey this is weird and came out of nowhere, should I be concerned?" Haven't heard back yet, which is understandable but also isn't helping with gremlins. both of my arms are messed up between my terrible posture and the weird ways I wind up contorting myself while asleep - from my neck/shoulders down to my hands, something is always sore. That never bothered me before. But now that I'm aware of something that doesn't belong there my brain is like "omg this perfectly explainable and not concerning pain that existed before this thing appeared is now continuing and must be a result of this new thing so clearly I'm going to die." to make it even more ridiculous, I have something very similar on my stomach that's been there for a year. Just happened to notice it one day. Went to urgent care, they said it could be a cyst or something and to let my pcp know about it but it was probably benign. My pcp has checked it out at more than one appointment and is not concerned unless it suddenly changes. Which it hasn't done in a year. And the thing in my arm feels just like it. Could be something else, sure. But right now seems like it's the same thing. Which I haven't been worried about so far. But am worried about the arm thing. I just can't with my brain. ha. ha ha ha. ha. Thought my doctor called it lipidema, googled to see if I was remembering it right or just making shit up. Results inconclusive; legit websites say lipidema is a condition involving weird symmetric fat deposits occurring "mostly in the legs" but can be anywhere including abdomen and arms. Was like "hmm both of them are on my left side so maybe it's not that." Poke around my stomach more, oh good there's one on the right side too. I'm just going to give up on life at this point. I am well aware that I'm overreacting to this. Especially given that I got ~3 hours of sleep last night and am exhausted for that and other reasons, thus empowering the gremlins even more. Alas, knowing that I'm crazy does nothing to stop the crazy. Hence the long rambling post about the fact that some random, probably benign thing is going to kill me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Novelty of sleeping on a soft fleece blanket wore off real fast when I started sweating to death every night. Mattress protector has been changed, mattress rotated so the part my fat ass caved in is no longer where I sleep, and fresh sheets on the bed. Whee. I have been a very productive flea today. Dentist appointment (the hygienist said my teeth were in great shape and she didn't believe I slack as hard as I do?), deposited money that's been sitting in my wallet for months because I never use cash, used up a bunch of Starbucks recovery cards that have been living in my purse since the start of covid (ironically they also got my drink wrong today but I didn't notice til I got home 🙃), and dropped off a bag of shit at a community pantry. All before 10:30am, and I slept like shit last night too. Thats probably it for the day though because now I want to fall over and die. My father is currently taking my brother to get a tooth pulled. Neither of them knows where they're going. I'm kinda hoping they don't come back either. Unlikely but they're both pissing me off already today so a girl can dream right? goals that have been going well continue to go well. Gonna drop the toothbrushing goal bc having it as a goal makes me not want to do it. Will find something to replace it with. Keep forgetting to check blood sugar in the morning. Lame. still sad about my Starbucks drink. They weren't even busy.

Fat Kitty is back to normal. Although every time he stands still I have war flashbacks. I slept nearly 11 hours and am still exhausted. No desire to do anything at all today. Expected it but still surprised how intense it is. Can't wait for bedtime tonight. Also for the record, sleeping on top of a soft fleece blanket is so good. Even when there's a fat lump kicking you in the kidneys while you're doing it. I was going to write more but I'm too tired.

In the middle of recapping my chaotic day and all my rage in my journal I realized - I'm not the most cool, calm, and collected person in a crisis. I can certainly look back when the smoke clears and go "man why did/n't I just do X or say this" or whatever. But even still, I get shit done. I may freeze but I recover and do something. There are myriad examples from the last 10 weeks of my mother's life. My father literally being unable to breathe but not wanting to call 911. Multiple examples of the cats having issues where my father and brother just sit around with their thumbs up their asses. Even today while trying to get myself sorted and also get FK ready to go within 10 minutes of waking up I had to tell them what to do. They both literally just stood in the hallway while I was trying to keep him from shitting on my bed more and then I sprained my goddamn ankle again (because why not, it's Monday). It had to be "you go get the carrier from downstairs" "you go in my room and shut the door and keep an eye on him" "one of you help me lift this goddamn mattress since he just ran under my bed to hide." in general I don't judge people on their responses to an emergency or whatever. You don't know how you'll react in a situation til you're in it and fight/flight/freeze/fawn is a thing. But hot damn, therapy must be working for me because I am proud of myself for the way I handle things like this. I'm pissed as hell about the circumstances, and maybe the circumstances are in fact the only reason I can do it since I know my father and brother won't step up. But it doesn't change the fact that I do handle shit. Not perfectly, but no one has died on my watch and no major disasters have happened. And I'm okay with that. and now this train of thought has me thinking of other little things I'm also proud of, like not doing things """right""" but doing them in ways that work for me. Old flea would have rolled her eyes and some of these adaptations and been like "ugh can't you just do things like a normal person?" but Now flea is perfectly happy doing what she's doing. (edit: huh. And now I'm realizing that as horrifically shitty as it might be that I've developed whatever this is thanks to a shitty childhood, I think I'm okay with it. Not the childhood itself. But I used to think 'ugh the only reason I can do this is because I had no choice as a kid and that sucks' and now I think I'm inching toward 'yeah it sucks I had no choice but to learn this but hey I can still be grateful for learning it.' I have no idea if that makes sense in words but it's nearly 2am so whatever. /edit) I could have written all of this in my journal but I wanted to share because a lot of this is y'all's fault. I would not have gotten this far without the support and love I get here. Thank you all for allowing me to rant and rave and whine and then talking me down and comforting me and inspiring me. It is fucking wild that a bunch of randos on the internet feel so much more like family than anything I've ever known. 💖 and I'm going to bed now because I might make myself cry if I keep going. But y'all are fucking awesome.

Change of plans. My father borrowed a blanket from me and boobcat graciously coughed up a hairball on it right before I got it back. Haven't washed it yet because whatever. I just put that blanket hairball side down on the gross mattress cover tonight and wash it tomorrow with the towel that was in the cat carrier that is probably a haz-mat situation. I'm not in love with this solution but don't have the spoons to change the mattress cover and it's better than putting fresh sheets on shit stains. What even is my life. and if anyone was wondering, which you probably weren't, apparently my father's insurance stopped covering the medication he was asking about earlier. I can't even say "told you so" because he'll just pitch a bigger fit. Rah.

Did not drink my Starbucks outside. The wind was a little too much for me. Whatever. I enjoyed my peppermint white mocha anyway. Had to text my brother again to pause his tv show and help me clean FK for the cat's sake. Got most of him before he got pissy with me but he seems to be in a better mood now than before so I guess I'm forgiven. He keeps wandering back and forth between the first and second floors but I have no idea what he wants. I assume his butt hurts and he doesn't know what to do about it. Don't think he'd appreciate an epsom salt bath though. got my father to go to target and get me a new mattress protector. There are holes in it from cat claws that refuse to be anything but razor sharp, and since I got this one because it's anti-bed bug the holes defeat that purpose so for peace of mind I'm tossing it. Feels wasteful despite being logical. Meh. Shit-covered sheets are in the dryer now and the other set I took off the bed last night are in the wash. I'll put the mattress thing on when the sheets are ready and do it all in one go. Then pray for no more accidents. shockingly my goals are going okay today. Will def hit 96 ounces of water, could get to 128 depending on when I go to bed. Had apple slices and grapes in a thing from Starbucks so that's covered. Will rant in my journal very soon about all the bullshit of the day I haven't mentioned here. No blood sugar or morning teeth because of the way the morning went but I can still win with bedtime teeth stuff. So not terrible despite the day being a dumpster fire. Hooray for ridiculously basic goals.

I spent 5 hours and some change at the emergency vet and dealt with all of this by myself, save for barking orders at Thing 1 and Thing 2 when trying to leave in a hurry this morning. Shortly after I get home and try to deal with the mess, my father goes to cvs. And then texts me asking which of his prescriptions he needed to ask them about. And then what the price is supposed to be because now it's too high. (I've told him 3 times since 1/1 that companies will play games with coverage and not to be surprised if prices change.) Ask him to go to target for me and he ignores that part. asked my brother to help me clean FK because his butt is gross. All he'd have to do is hold him so I can try to do it quick so I don't puke. Haven't gotten a response. its 32 rn with a wind chill of 25 and I'm about to just go sit outside to drink my Starbucks just so I'm not near these assholes anymore.

They gave him an enema. he's leaking liquid shit everywhere. including the mattress I just stripped of shit-covered sheets. I quit. I do have a waterproof mattress protector but it's the obnoxious kind that zips over the entire mattress and I just cannot fight with that right now. Getting it off is hard enough but getting it back on is just hell on earth. And I don't want to take it off to wash it right now anyway because the second I do I'm sure the shit fountain will start back up again. edit: and on the carpeted cat steps. Bro I feel for you but please just pick a spot and stay there jesus christ

It's going to be so weird not seeing you around here but I'm so happy you're moving forward on your journey. ❤️

Still waiting on them to finish up with him bc of course it's an ER so other cases can take precedence but he's probably fine. Mildly constipated. 🙄 but in trying to deal with it of course he was getting poop everywhere and me panicking over literal shit all over my bed (on the clean sheets I just put on!) probably didn't help because he also got stressed out and whatnot. Can't say it was because of me or himself but whatever. So this was a super fun experience.

Aaaaaaand it's Monday. I know this because I woke up after 2.5 hours of sleep to Fat Kitty wiping his shitty ass all over my bed, yelling at me, continuing to strain to shit all over my room, then getting back up on my bed, start panting, and then barf. So now I'm at the emergency vet losing my mind and hoping it's nothing. Also anxiety is going wild about raaaaaah what if this is it but I have the car so Thing 1 and Thing 2 would have to share an Uber blah blah blah. No flea, calm the fuck down and ignore the gremlins. Jesus.

Help, I screwed myself over. 😭Took everything but the fitted sheet off my bed and then dumped a bunch of dusty shit out on the bed to sort through, all to force myself to change my sheets. So now it's midnight and I still have to do that. And I also have to shower because dusty stuff and fresh sheets. But I don't want to do either of these things. #fleaproblems

Challenge is going fairly well. Still exhausted and perpetually in a bad mood and not interacting with people, because people.

Hang in there ❤️

Blehhhh. Storm started hours later than predicted and was rain for a while. Switched to snow now and might switch back later but it's also going to drop to mid-20s tomorrow so it's all gonna freeze and fuck shit up. I already told my father I'm not shoveling under any circumstances, I don't care. challenge is going okay. Journal hasn't been needed because somehow neither my father nor brother has pissed me off enough. Go figure. I'm getting at least 96 ounces of water a day, not always 128 but either way I can feel it making a massive difference. Jesus I am having the weirdest déjà vu right now. anyway. Water good. Dental routine is going meh. Not doing everything I wanted to be doing but it's better than I was pre-challenge. Ngl I think anxiety made that goal and since I went to the dentist and found out I didn't fuck up as bad as I thought a lot of that motivation has dissolved. Adjusting course for the rest of the challenge and will implement one of the missing pieces per week instead of trying to do all of it at once. I have a dental cleaning in two weeks (finally!) so we'll see what comes of it. Eating plants goal going well. Honestly I made it two small to fail, really. On purpose. Lettuce and tomato in a sandwich? Counts. Salad? Counts. Smoothie with a bunch of shit in it? Counts. I fucking love vegetables and fruit but sometimes it's stupid easy to manage not eating any all day. So we're baby-stepping this shit. and I did check my blood sugar the past three days and it's been fine which is weird so the next couple weeks will be interesting. my newest mystery malady: a near constant headache. It's not super severe, just always present. Briefly calms down if I take something for it. But is it because of tmj? Lack of sleep? Not wearing my glasses when I should be? Covid? Aliens? The world may never know. And it's kind of annoying because if I have a headache I don't really want to be staring at a screen of any kind for too long and reading a physical book is also out. So that leaves me with fuck all to do to pass the time, and then the gremlins try to take over. Fuck gremlins. I'm trying to figure out what the deal is and I really, really don't want it to be covid-related because that's the hardest one to address. Maybe aside from aliens. Either way. It's dumb. onward to week 2!

More stupid shit my brain does: my brother used to be obsessed with Stargate SG-1 and would watch it with my mother. I think she got him into it actually. I'd watch it with them here and there but it wasn't super fun and I was kind of an outsider, so I've never seen the whole thing. I just watched the time loop episode again after coming across a meme on Reddit and I feel... guilty? Like I'm intruding on something? Which I fully recognize is massive bullshit but gremlins gonna gremlin. Adding this to next week's therapy list because clearly I need to dig deeper into this. Bleh. also I may have just eaten a whole bunch of cheese that wasn't 100% okay to eat. Thought it smelled a little off (but what is processed cheese supposed to smell like anyway?) but it looked okay and tasted fine when I tried a little. So I went to town on it. And then at the end it seemed like it was maybe a little off but couldn't do much about it at that point. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Time will tell.

Womp fucking womp. Float place closed in June for repairs and was supposed to reopen after Labor Day. Never happened. Just now they sent out an email saying "oops, sorry, we realized we were burned out so we didn't do anything related to the place at all. Repairs still need to be done and also we're selling it." Which, like... okay. You're allowed to take care of your mental health and whatnot but really? Their whole thing is about how it's so good for your health and stress and all these other things and are billing it as super important to do on a regular basis- and then just bail for 9 months with zero contact? Idk, it's disappointing. Their blog regularly featured people who went several times a week because it was the only place that managed their chronic pain or whatever. it's a little silly to be as bothered by this as I currently am, especially considering I only went the one time. I'm pretty sure it's poking at some kind of trauma scar but not sure what or how. PTSD is annoying.

Anxiety is stupid. There's a potential storm coming through over the weekend. At this point it's too early to know its exact track so we could get 4-6" with super high winds, or we could get nothing. And I'm just over here freaking out about needing to shovel. Oh and as of the is exact moment I'm writing this, also about the new roof and how it will totally just come crashing down. Thanks, gremlins. But I'm not touching a shovel for any goddamn reason while pulmonarily challenged thanks to my asshole father giving me covid. Nor should he be shoveling, although I hope it does and it fucking kills him. My brother could do it but he already works a physical job and isn't in the best shape either so not the best idea. And even though I've never heard of anyone actually getting a ticket for not clearing their area by whatever deadline, the must-follow-rules part of my brain is just losing it right now. Like there's a chance there won't even be anything to shovel and my brain just does not give a shit. Have to freak out now or else. so that's fun. Will catch up with folks later. Too crazy rn.

don't think I'm hitting my water goal today. between the dentist earlier and seeing my nutritionist at 4 today because of the holiday yesterday my whole sense of timing is off. and I'm so fucking tired I might go to bed significantly earlier than I have been so chugging water before that would be bad. plants will be had though, and I will obviously be doing my teeth the right way tonight after dealing with the dentist. haven't gotten mad about anything to not rant about here and didn't check my sugar this morning because I was running out the door. I thought I escaped the yearly mood ruining spawned by the inescapable talk of resolutions and how to do better and blah blah blah. usually it kicks in around or before christmas. but no, this time it started yesterday. so now I'm just a whole lot of meh. it'll pass but it's annoying. that's what therapy is for I guess. someone order my groceries for me please. I don't want to deal with it.