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Everything posted by fleaball

  1. Negative for mono. Not entirely surprising but I’ve had a lot of sore throats in my life and no one has ever suggested mono before so I wasn’t sure what to expect. Felt like shit most of the day although the sore throat seemed to back off. Ridiculously fucking congested though. Asked my father to pick up my shit from target, was totally shocked that he actually did. And it made a huge difference. Yay. I did have a moment earlier today where I freaked out that I actually have something serious just like when I was in grad school, and it’s still simmering in the background a bit, so that’s annoying. I went to urgent care on Friday and the hospital urgent care thing Monday - no fever, normal bp, normal heart rate both times. No swollen lymph nodes anywhere. All good. There’s a different gremlin making noise too - my back has been hurting lately and I’m 100% sure it’s related to shitty posture and probably also weird sleeping positions. But this gremlin is screeching that the pain is actually my kidneys and I’m going to die. I don’t think my kidneys live between my shoulder blades so that guy can fuck right off, thanks. did the things I said I would do today, save for cooking because the turkey already looked gnarly and I wasn’t tempting fate. I hate that my phone capitalizes turkey automatically regardless of the context. Although iirc the country changed the spelling in English to match what it is in Turkish so suck on that, Siri. You’re wrong. Wednesday I will attempt to finalize my challenge. I’ll do the breakfast thing, pick a GMB program or routine to do to make my body hate me less, maybe set a walking goal idk if that’s a good idea rn, and I’m going to pick my therapist’s brain about one or two. and now bedtime. Much later than I wanted it to be but I was already lying down and got too comfy to get up and brush my teeth and whatnot. Fat Kitty has been super cuddly and inviting himself under the covers the last two or three nights, which he hasn’t done in a while. I’m not sure if he knows I’m sick and is trying to comfort me, or if he’s just cold because the weather has been ridiculous. I’d like to say it’s the former but it’s probably the latter. I still get cuddles regardless so I’ll take it. (The sore throat and nasal congestion predate this happening so it’s not allergies, woo.)
  2. Negative for influenza A and B, covid, and RSV. Throat culture and mono test take several days. Not sure how the fuck I would have gotten mono but he was pretty sure it could be a possibility so whatever. just ordered saline decongestant spray to pick up at target tomorrow. Hopefully that takes care of things. I don’t really want to take antibiotics that may or may not work. still not doing anything challenge related yet because breathing is kind of important for that. Plus I still kinda want to die. So my goals for tomorrow will be to email the GI liver guy some questions, email the endo about labs, cook some defrosted ground turkey before it goes bad, and clear accumulated crap off my futon because it’s going in the trash soon. That’s an easy enough list. and now sleep. Yay
  3. Went to the urgent care referral place. Rapid Covid test still negative, yay. They also did a brain-stab Covid test, flu, and RSV which I can’t be fucked to look up right now. Doctor said it could be mono but we didn’t need to test for it right now - I asked him to do it anyway because that would live in the back of my head forever and I don’t need that at this point. I could also have a sinus infection since I woke up congested as fuck and didn’t get better; he could hear it in my voice at 7:30pm. Awesome. If my sinuses get worse he said to message my doctor and go from there. In the meantime I’ve gone through a box of tissues and there’s like no skin left on my nose. So at this point the throat pain is almost gone and now my head is going to explode from sinus pressure. I made some ginger tea and stood over the kettle as it steamed, which helped a bit. I don’t have any decongestants and I don’t have the spoons to go to cvs so tea will have to do. I am genuinely considering bailing on the June 5k. I might go to pick up my swag and then just not do it. Boo. I wanted to go out for Pokémon tomorrow too. Not sure that’s a good idea either. Argh.
  4. Negative for strep. Called my doctors office to say hey now what. Nurse agreed my symptoms are classic strep and wants me to go to the main hospital to be seen and tested again. (It’s some kind of pcp-referral-only urgent care kind of thing, idk.) So now I’m waiting for that call bc ofc it’s by appointment only even with the referral and I will have to drag my ass into Boston again. Bleh. i feel like shit. Worse than I have so far. This is a bummer. Clearly the universe is telling me never to do a 5k ever again.
  5. I’ve been on a spiral about my health for the last several hours. There’s the mystery throat thing that has now turned into some kind of cough as well. The knee thing that came out of nowhere and now seems to have resolved itself just as quickly but is still concerning. The fact that the enamel on my teeth has visibly eroded to an alarming point. The normal aches and pains and conditions that aren’t getting better. Anger and guilt and frustration over all of it being self-inflicted due to poor habits and not doing anything to manage or prevent any of it. And just now I felt a bump or something above my eye that I can’t see in the mirror and it doesn’t hurt but the other side doesn’t feel the same at all and I don’t know what it is or what to do about it. It’s probably something that’s existed the whole time and I never noticed. But now I can’t stop thinking it’s something terrible. im so over my entire fucking life. My whole existence is a joke.
  6. Today isn’t even happening. Slept like crap, not sure why. Throat has gone from swallowing glass to swallowing golf balls, which probably isn’t great. No word on the throat culture results yet; I called the number they gave me and they’re closed. Helpful. A couple hours ago I sat down and suddenly my knee started to hurt like a bitch and it’s swollen af. No idea why or what or how. But it’s hard to do anything when bending your knee hurts so that cool. My blood sugar has gone all over the map today too which is not helping with the feeling like shit thing. that 5k on June 5 is looking more and more like a bad decision. It took my all of last week to recover from the first one and now I can’t fucking walk for reasons probably unrelated. I was going to cook dinner tonight, took the meat out of the freezer and everything, but no way am I standing in the kitchen for any amount of time now. so yeah. I’m grumpy. Wasn’t planning on doing anything too physical until I find out what I’m sick with but right now I kinda just want to delete my whole challenge and hide in a blanket fort for the next five weeks. Send snacks.
  7. The longer this goes on the more I suspect strep. Which isn’t fun but is preferable to covid on so many levels. My throat has gotten worse as the day has gone on and it certainly feels like the swallowing glass feeling of strep. Sucks that I won’t get results for that til Sunday evening. I asked my brother to get me cough drops aaaaand there goes my father with the yelling about not being able to sleep. goddamn. anyway. Asked my brother to get cough drops after work. He called and said they didn’t have the ones I asked for, they didn’t have much at all in fact, but they did have X and Y flavors. I said surprise me, idc so long as they’re sugar free. And the ones he got are not actually cough drops, they’re vitamin C supplements that look like and are packaged like cough drops. So that sucks. Honest mistake but ugh dude of all the things to screw up it had to be this? so I was lying down trying to sleep before I started writing this and I nearly threw up twice because somehow my throat is so irritated that that’s a thing. I can’t even wear my night guard because it’s making me gag so much. i know when I got strep two years ago I asked the nurse how that was even possible because it was like a month after the covid situation exploded and I hadn’t left my house that whole time. She said something like some people always have that bacteria and occasionally it flares up. If that’s the case for me then the timing right now makes sense given how I wrecked myself at the 5k plus all the stress from my father being a manbaby plus the general state of the world. there’s no point to this post. I think I’m trying to convince myself it’s strep. I’m not nearly as freaked out about the possibility of covid as I would expect to be but I’m still uneasy and would much rather deal with strep. Poor boobcat has inflammation in his gums so he eats weird, like chewing on the side of his mouth or something I guess, and it makes a weird wound and now because I’m so wound up about everything else I just want to cry for him. It doesn’t impact how much he eats or anything, and he has a dental appointment at the end of the month but man I don’t need this right now. okay. I took some tylenol half an hour ago (expired last year because of course it did) and it seems to be kicking in finally? Gonna try lying down again and seeing if my insides will stay inside. Wish me luck.
  8. You did, it’s the Garden of Life one right? I tried it and I liked it in and of itself, but it doesn’t work for me as a breakfast thing. My body doesn’t seem to recognize that drinking something like that can replace eating. It’s like “hey that was kinda tasty but also when is food.” Can’t make things too easy.
  9. lol right, challenge. My food goal is just going to be making my own breakfast every day. Overnight oats, smoothie, bagel, whatever. I swear the only obstacle is going to be that I'm so not used to making my own breakfast. Which is the saddest fucking thing to say. But in grad school I either grabbed something on the way into my internship or slept late enough that lunch was my first meal of the day; and then I moved back here and was just grabbing something on the way to visit my mother; then when I was doing Lyft I’d just grab something while I was out or again, slept in until lunch; and since covid started I’ve regrettably been ordering breakfast from UberEats all the fucking time. Oh yay now I’m pissed at myself about it. I mean I’m trying to be nice to myself because we all know *why* I haven’t wanted to make my own food, but still. anyway. Breaking that habit. Making my own easy breakfast. The end. still trying to think of a 4th goal and also how to structure the ones I already posted. I’ll work on it more tonight but now I’m wondering if I’d have to scrap planned activity if I do in fact have Covid. Again, saving that for tomorrow after I get the results back but this is how my brain works.
  10. Went to urgent care because my throat is bothering me so much. It doesn’t hurt to swallow or anything, which is why I’m not concerned, but it’s so irritated that every so often I start coughing so hard I’ve almost thrown up. Got a strep test (rapid was negative, 48 hours for the other one) and a covid test that I should hear back about tomorrow. No other covid symptoms so who knows what will happen with that. The doctor said sore throat is the most common symptom for the current strain so that’s not encouraging. If it turns out to be covid I’m going to be so pissed for so many reasons. But I’ll save that rant for tomorrow since it may not even be applicable. The doctor said my throat looks fine though, which I find odd; if it’s feeling irritated shouldn’t it at least look red or something? Idk. Whatever. so anyway. Haven’t done anything else of value today because I feel like shit. Adding honey to my grocery order to I can have all the tea tomorrow, currently chugging water and will be running the humidifier at night. Whatever it is I just want it to go away because it’s annoying. happy thing to report: the current limited-time bosses in Pokémon GO super hard and need twice the number of people than usual to beat them. The app I usually use to join groups of randos around the world hasn’t accounted for this so it’s kind of a crapshoot. I’m in two local Discords but usually don’t say anything because everyone seems to know each other already which means I get hella anxious about like, intruding or whatever like they’re gonna be mad I sat at their table. But both Wednesday and today people were planning to go do boss fights and I put on my big girl pants and asked for invites. Which I got, huzzah. In the grand scheme of things it’s such a small thing, but I’m quite proud of myself. Please send cookies.
  11. Wanted to go to bed early, haven’t yet because I got hungry so now I have to wait because reflux. Lame. Was still in a reasonably decent mood considering what the past 48 hours have been like. Went down to make food, dared to go into the living room to ask my brother a question relating to said food, got a monotone two-word answer and now my decent mood has evaporated and I am anxious as all fuck. I hate that this fucking happens. I know it’s trauma and I know I basically learned “if someone is in a bad mood things are going to suck for me real soon” but like… I don’t need this super intense knot in my stomach and the immediate tensing and waiting for some kind of explosion. I would really like my brain to learn “brother is a raging asshole but not a threat, roll your eyes and move on” instead of what it’s doing now. So anyway. Now I’m eating and I feel physically hungry but I’ve lost all appetite and kinda feel like throwing up instead. Which is awesome. Especially because one of the things with the nutritionist is learning to recognize when I’m hungry and then eating something instead of ignoring it. So now I felt the hunger and want nothing to do with food. I’m sure that’s a wonderfully helpful step in this process. in other news, even though I said I was going to do nothing all day, I did dishes, cleaned the nasty fucking kitchen sink, washed a set of sheets, cleaned my room, and started a grocery order. Go me. and then I was briefly convinced I have Covid. Simply because my throat is irritated. Which could be an illness, sure, or it could be allergies or dry air in the house or general stress response or aftermath of the 5k or just the fact that I haven’t slept well in a week or so and my body isn’t recovering. Plenty of non-Covid options, especially given the lack of other Covid symptoms. But no, my brain went right to the worst case scenario. Huzzah. I’m real fuckin over this shit.
  12. My father did not mysteriously die during his procedure. Kinda pissed. They also told him everything looked good, which on one hand is great but otoh that means the crazy GI saga continues. Which means I get to listen to him being a whiny little shit for even longer until they figure it out. i woke up after about 4 hours of sleep and said fuck it, I’m dropping him off and coming home because I don’t want to deal with people right now. And then the more I thought about it the more I realized I also didn’t want to deal with traffic, nor would I relax at all once I got home because I would just be waiting for my phone to ring. So I wandered around and caught Pokémon after all. All of them were shitty but they still count for something. And I walked 4km so there’s that. I did walk up some hills today and oh man something is fucked in my hips. I don’t know if it’s weak muscles or tight muscles or both, or neither. Don’t know if I need to be working on flexibility or strength or even which muscles are causing the issue. But doing anything that involves bending over is bad because of the hiatal hernia, so it doesn’t really matter. I really wish there were a thing like a full body evaluation to tell you where you’re weak or need to work on things and what to do about them. That would be helpful. I also wish there were a pool reasonably close to me for exercise but alas. im gonna go do nothing for the rest of the day now.
  13. God I hate my brain. Trying to sleep, all kinds of thoughts bouncing around, oh here’s an idea! Since my father keeps trying to be healthy but going about it the most ass fucking backwards ways and failing miserably, clearly I should fire up the spite machine and become pro-athlete level fit immediately. Like lose 120 pounds and get abs by tomorrow. Yeah, that’ll show him. seriously though he looked at my bottle of basic multivitamins and then asked me what I thought about turmeric supplements. He doesn’t even know what turmeric is other than “supposed to be good for you” and also “that’s something you eat right?” (The implication being it must be gross if I eat it.) seriously. Send help. One of us is not going to make it out of this alive. I’m not sure which one of us it will be.
  14. Okay this is TMI that no one wants to know but there’s no not-TMI way to explain my father’s stupidity right now. so anyway it’s 4:30, we’re leaving in 6 hours, I doubt I’ll get much sleep because whose bed is right against the shared wall with the bathroom? Oh yeah, mine. At this point I’m thinking fuck Pokémon, I might just drop him off and go back to bed. I’m so over this fucking moron.
  15. Apologies for the world's largest screenshot. Took me way too long to figure out how to resize it. Also took me way too long to get around to posting today. My father has a colonoscopy Thursday and has been driving me up a wall over it since Saturday when the dietary restrictions started. Tuesday night he starts panicking because he was planning on having pasta for dinner but he doesn't think he can have sauce with it - because the sauce is red, and the instructions say to avoid red clear liquids the day before the test (so Wednesday). On top of that, even though the instructions from our hospital are very specific in what you can't have, he decided to google what other places say and started freaking out and getting confused that other hospitals and doctors have different guidelines. I'm not even fucking joking, I really hope he has a reaction to the sedative and fucking dies. I'm so tired of his shit. I genuinely don't even know at this point if he's just dumb and anxious or developing alzheimer's. I know he's freaking out because he's been having GI issues for months now with no explanation after several other tests, and his mother is the one with the genetic colon cancer thing, and this on top of his usual anxiety and executive dysfunction issues probably isn't great. But he's just driving me insane and I really cannot deal with him. God help us all if he actually gets bad news from this colonoscopy. I'm moving away and changing my name. Because he got squeezed into this appointment last minute it's in the middle of the day, which is fucking awesome because we'll be leaving right as rush hour hits and he's going to be hangry. Yay! It's not fucking worth it for me to drop him off and drive home so I'm just going to wander around Boston and catch Pokemon again. Why the fuck not. but so this post isn't entirely me complaining: I had cats sleeping on my bed today and they were cute. Fat Kitty also wormed his way under the covers in the morning and managed to tuck himself in adorably. That was nice. I like cats.
  16. Glad you made it! I thought I warmed up enough. Was def up and moving around before it started. Ah well, lesson learned I guess. doing the nutritionist thing would be the smartest option for sure. I'm resistant to it for some reason though. meh. you can do eeeeet! I have another one the morning of June 5. Did not realize that was GO Fest. Pray for me. !!!!! I was really hoping to wake up that morning to find out it was a mistake or bad joke or something. yeah no. I don't even know what to do other than shake my head in disgust.
  17. Started off therapy saying I wish I hadn’t liked The Handmaid’s Tale so much when I had to read it in college. (Intro to Women’s Studies, obv.) Therapist says “you know Margaret Atwood’s kind of a TERF right?” Did not know that, don’t particularly care on a personal level because I didn’t know anything about her at all, actually, but fuck TERFs anyway. So that was a wonderful start to a therapy session that got super intense and I was not prepared for. None of it was related to any of this but still it was rough all around. I know I still owe people replies but I have to go shower. Replies when I come back.
  18. hahahahahahaha I went on Reddit to check something Pokémon related since I can’t sleep and the top hundred fucking threads are about how Roe v Wade is going to be overturned. Definitely not fucking sleeping now. What a goddamn fucking joke this country is.
  19. Hi y’all! I will reply to everyone tomorrow. Right now I’m trying not to die. Legs hurt less than yesterday but still hurt, and the rest of me is just fucked. Woke up feeling sick and congested, which has gotten better over the course of the day but not totally gone; stomach is angry that food is a thing; brain has just checked the fuck out and refuses to be involved in anything whatsoever. I’m sure part of it is recovering from the exertion yesterday, part of it is probably recovering from the anxiety of yesterday, and part of it is probably just because it’s Monday. Who knows for sure. I’m going to go eat some vegetables and also hope that my father hits his head on something and dies while he’s up in the attic right now. Totally normal way to spend an evening.
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