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fleaball

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Everything posted by fleaball

  1. Wanted to go to bed early, haven’t yet because I got hungry so now I have to wait because reflux. Lame. Was still in a reasonably decent mood considering what the past 48 hours have been like. Went down to make food, dared to go into the living room to ask my brother a question relating to said food, got a monotone two-word answer and now my decent mood has evaporated and I am anxious as all fuck. I hate that this fucking happens. I know it’s trauma and I know I basically learned “if someone is in a bad mood things are going to suck for me real soon” but like… I don’t need this super intense knot in my stomach and the immediate tensing and waiting for some kind of explosion. I would really like my brain to learn “brother is a raging asshole but not a threat, roll your eyes and move on” instead of what it’s doing now. So anyway. Now I’m eating and I feel physically hungry but I’ve lost all appetite and kinda feel like throwing up instead. Which is awesome. Especially because one of the things with the nutritionist is learning to recognize when I’m hungry and then eating something instead of ignoring it. So now I felt the hunger and want nothing to do with food. I’m sure that’s a wonderfully helpful step in this process. in other news, even though I said I was going to do nothing all day, I did dishes, cleaned the nasty fucking kitchen sink, washed a set of sheets, cleaned my room, and started a grocery order. Go me. and then I was briefly convinced I have Covid. Simply because my throat is irritated. Which could be an illness, sure, or it could be allergies or dry air in the house or general stress response or aftermath of the 5k or just the fact that I haven’t slept well in a week or so and my body isn’t recovering. Plenty of non-Covid options, especially given the lack of other Covid symptoms. But no, my brain went right to the worst case scenario. Huzzah. I’m real fuckin over this shit.
  2. My father did not mysteriously die during his procedure. Kinda pissed. They also told him everything looked good, which on one hand is great but otoh that means the crazy GI saga continues. Which means I get to listen to him being a whiny little shit for even longer until they figure it out. i woke up after about 4 hours of sleep and said fuck it, I’m dropping him off and coming home because I don’t want to deal with people right now. And then the more I thought about it the more I realized I also didn’t want to deal with traffic, nor would I relax at all once I got home because I would just be waiting for my phone to ring. So I wandered around and caught Pokémon after all. All of them were shitty but they still count for something. And I walked 4km so there’s that. I did walk up some hills today and oh man something is fucked in my hips. I don’t know if it’s weak muscles or tight muscles or both, or neither. Don’t know if I need to be working on flexibility or strength or even which muscles are causing the issue. But doing anything that involves bending over is bad because of the hiatal hernia, so it doesn’t really matter. I really wish there were a thing like a full body evaluation to tell you where you’re weak or need to work on things and what to do about them. That would be helpful. I also wish there were a pool reasonably close to me for exercise but alas. im gonna go do nothing for the rest of the day now.
  3. God I hate my brain. Trying to sleep, all kinds of thoughts bouncing around, oh here’s an idea! Since my father keeps trying to be healthy but going about it the most ass fucking backwards ways and failing miserably, clearly I should fire up the spite machine and become pro-athlete level fit immediately. Like lose 120 pounds and get abs by tomorrow. Yeah, that’ll show him. seriously though he looked at my bottle of basic multivitamins and then asked me what I thought about turmeric supplements. He doesn’t even know what turmeric is other than “supposed to be good for you” and also “that’s something you eat right?” (The implication being it must be gross if I eat it.) seriously. Send help. One of us is not going to make it out of this alive. I’m not sure which one of us it will be.
  4. Okay this is TMI that no one wants to know but there’s no not-TMI way to explain my father’s stupidity right now. so anyway it’s 4:30, we’re leaving in 6 hours, I doubt I’ll get much sleep because whose bed is right against the shared wall with the bathroom? Oh yeah, mine. At this point I’m thinking fuck Pokémon, I might just drop him off and go back to bed. I’m so over this fucking moron.
  5. Apologies for the world's largest screenshot. Took me way too long to figure out how to resize it. Also took me way too long to get around to posting today. My father has a colonoscopy Thursday and has been driving me up a wall over it since Saturday when the dietary restrictions started. Tuesday night he starts panicking because he was planning on having pasta for dinner but he doesn't think he can have sauce with it - because the sauce is red, and the instructions say to avoid red clear liquids the day before the test (so Wednesday). On top of that, even though the instructions from our hospital are very specific in what you can't have, he decided to google what other places say and started freaking out and getting confused that other hospitals and doctors have different guidelines. I'm not even fucking joking, I really hope he has a reaction to the sedative and fucking dies. I'm so tired of his shit. I genuinely don't even know at this point if he's just dumb and anxious or developing alzheimer's. I know he's freaking out because he's been having GI issues for months now with no explanation after several other tests, and his mother is the one with the genetic colon cancer thing, and this on top of his usual anxiety and executive dysfunction issues probably isn't great. But he's just driving me insane and I really cannot deal with him. God help us all if he actually gets bad news from this colonoscopy. I'm moving away and changing my name. Because he got squeezed into this appointment last minute it's in the middle of the day, which is fucking awesome because we'll be leaving right as rush hour hits and he's going to be hangry. Yay! It's not fucking worth it for me to drop him off and drive home so I'm just going to wander around Boston and catch Pokemon again. Why the fuck not. but so this post isn't entirely me complaining: I had cats sleeping on my bed today and they were cute. Fat Kitty also wormed his way under the covers in the morning and managed to tuck himself in adorably. That was nice. I like cats.
  6. Glad you made it! I thought I warmed up enough. Was def up and moving around before it started. Ah well, lesson learned I guess. doing the nutritionist thing would be the smartest option for sure. I'm resistant to it for some reason though. meh. you can do eeeeet! I have another one the morning of June 5. Did not realize that was GO Fest. Pray for me. !!!!! I was really hoping to wake up that morning to find out it was a mistake or bad joke or something. yeah no. I don't even know what to do other than shake my head in disgust.
  7. Started off therapy saying I wish I hadn’t liked The Handmaid’s Tale so much when I had to read it in college. (Intro to Women’s Studies, obv.) Therapist says “you know Margaret Atwood’s kind of a TERF right?” Did not know that, don’t particularly care on a personal level because I didn’t know anything about her at all, actually, but fuck TERFs anyway. So that was a wonderful start to a therapy session that got super intense and I was not prepared for. None of it was related to any of this but still it was rough all around. I know I still owe people replies but I have to go shower. Replies when I come back.
  8. hahahahahahaha I went on Reddit to check something Pokémon related since I can’t sleep and the top hundred fucking threads are about how Roe v Wade is going to be overturned. Definitely not fucking sleeping now. What a goddamn fucking joke this country is.
  9. Hi y’all! I will reply to everyone tomorrow. Right now I’m trying not to die. Legs hurt less than yesterday but still hurt, and the rest of me is just fucked. Woke up feeling sick and congested, which has gotten better over the course of the day but not totally gone; stomach is angry that food is a thing; brain has just checked the fuck out and refuses to be involved in anything whatsoever. I’m sure part of it is recovering from the exertion yesterday, part of it is probably recovering from the anxiety of yesterday, and part of it is probably just because it’s Monday. Who knows for sure. I’m going to go eat some vegetables and also hope that my father hits his head on something and dies while he’s up in the attic right now. Totally normal way to spend an evening.
  10. Oh my god I would never have thought of this. Thanks!
  11. So clearly despite my doing stretches and PT exercises, my knees and ankles need a lot more work. I’m freaking dying right now. I got a massage last week and she told me my hamstrings were crazy tight, even more than my calves which I know are awful. And of course that’s all connected so fml. Coming up with the rest of my goals will be interesting. I feel like I’m headed back to the old standard where I’ll do a food goal and an exercise goal and then who tf knows. Write down all the usual goals I make and fail, then pick two out of a hat to try again? I’m going to ask my nutritionist tomorrow if she has any ideas/suggestions, but we’re still in the beginning/feeling things out stage so that may just be a “do whatever goals we come up with weekly” thing. There’s also a 4-week meal plan I’ve been looking at in a book I read but I def don’t think I can commit to that right now so I’ll see if I can take pieces of it or something. Have I ever mentioned I hate the coming up with goals part of this? Hooray for shitty mental health ugh.
  12. hiii good luck to you too! Oooh that’s a good one. I was googling stretches before I made this post and there were so many 15-minute YouTube videos. I knew there had to be something else.
  13. if flea did a 5k but didn’t post every two seconds to complain about it, did it really happen? 1:04:33 was my unofficial time today. Not sure when the official times come out but I’m half expecting a DNF for taking longer than an hour. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ When the race started I thought I was far enough back at the starting area to be with all the slow people but nooooope I was in the actual jogging bunch. So I jogged over the starting line and to the end of the first block before I could manage to get out of the way. Which resulted in an immediate cramp from like, the top of my foot to halfway up my shin? And despite various stretching breaks it didn’t fuck off until I passed the 2-mile marker so yeah that wasn’t fun. Hustled the last half mile or so but couldn’t make up for that time. Womp. I’m bummed because I was certain finishing under an hour wouldn’t be a problem. but whatever, now I have something to aim for at the next one. Still not going to be running but I should be able to walk faster and now I know not to go near the starting line until everyone else is gone. >_> there’s also the fact that last night I was somewhat seriously considering not even going because I had so much anxiety about so many aspects of today. So I went, and I didn’t bail partway through (also a consideration), and I crossed the finish line before they packed it all up and left. Good enough for now. my father is being an asshole about it, which was fully expected but still sucks to experience.
  14. If I don’t make this thread now I probably won’t ever make it so half-formed ideas here we go! 1 - do things to beat 1:04:33 at June 5 5k 2 - stretch hamstrings and calves regularly because ow 3 - ??? 4 - profit jk
  15. Lmfao I ordered a metal strap for my Fitbit from Etsy bc fuck the silicone one it comes with and it turns out the seller is in the same English town my shitty school is in. Small fucking world. hi my name is flea and I am a hot fucking mess of anxiety right now. Partly because hormones (probably), partly because it’s nighttime so automatic anxiety, partly because there’s a goddamn monsoon happening right now and it’s stressing me the fuck out. i can’t even focus enough to keep complaining. Y’all got lucky.
  16. urgh. My brother is asleep, my father has apparently gone to a sibling’s house for Easter bc he’s been gone all day, now would be the perfect time to cook something but I just really do not fucking want to. Like at all. I know I don’t have to but it would be nice to take advantage of the situation. If I’d know my father would be gone I’d have planned for something, but two days ago I asked if anyone had mentioned Easter and he said no so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ called my credit card, can’t pay the missed payment yet because their system hasn’t registered that it was missed. Annoying. I just have to check my account every day until it figures it out. (He said to give it a week?? Jfc. If they try to charge me interest on that they’re going to have to fight me.) I tried at least. idk. I’m gonna go do dishes or something so I can feel like I was productive.
  17. That 5k lasts 1 hour. Which is average human walking pace and I should be fine. Gremlins are setting in though. At some point this week I’ll find a place to walk uninterrupted and time myself just to shut them up. Bleh. Yup, absolutely on the to do list.
  18. I have not, but I will add it to the list!
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