fleaball

Still mad about Netflix. I did look it up before and it seems like all the subtitling is done by a zillion different contractors or something. Can't just sneak my way in there. Oh well. healthy food thing for today is that I just made myself frozen rice and veg with entirely too much shredded cheese instead of ordering McDonald's or some other garbage. Still not the pinnacle of healthy but also looks like real food. Improving my space - more general tidying and puttering. anxiety management - ehhhh spacing out and being pissy about top chef is the best that's going to happen today I think. If you squint you could say microwaving some shit helped with anxiety because otherwise I'd be mad at myself all night for ordering garbage. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ my brother did not call the dentist emergency line today. Told him to call as soon as they open tomorrow, not sure it's going to happen. I am really trying not to care but I'm also really annoyed with him for it. Mostly because guess who he's going to want to drive him on short notice. Whatever. also mayyyyyybe had some kind of breakthrough? Ish? I don't remember what spawned it which is a shame because it would be helpful to explore it more. But it's something like I've been looking at all these things I'm trying to do - meditation, exercising, pretty much everything I've ever made a goal here - I've pretty much been approaching everything as "I need to build this as a coping mechanism." And a lightbulb went on like, oh wait no, what I actually need and want, like genuinely want, to do is actually make them part of me. I've been approaching it all as things I need to do but really it's all things I need to be. ugh trying to put this into words is impossible. Like it literally hit me as just a feeling. Argh, come on brain. Idk. tl;dr I've been trying the right things with the wrong motivation I think. Maybe coming from another angle will make things stick. Fingers crossed.

Yeah it's fucking annoying under the best circumstances; right now when everyone and their dog is looking for a therapist is a nightmare. Suggestions: (I will shut up at any point if you tell me to) - try reaching out to the ones not taking clients anyway; granted last time I looked for someone was this time in 2017, but I found that people weren't keeping their profiles updated. You could ask if they have a waiting list or something. - on that note, I'd send an email (find an email address or website if you can, PT's messaging system was dodgy) with like a tl;dr of my situation and close with something like "if we don't sound like a match or you're not taking new clients, could you recommend someone else who might be?" - I've seen in multiple unrelated discussion on Reddit that better help and whatever else is like it just kinda give you homework and take your money rather than actually work on shit with you. YMMV and also something may be better than nothing. - can you regular doctor/NP get you started on something med-wise? - see if there's a website for your state's licensing body with a list of people? afaik most virtual regulations just require you and the provider to be in the same state. Maybe there's someone on the other end of the state. - I've seen tons of ads for HIMS.com lately and they say they can do mental health stuff. No experience with it but it's another option to look into. also you probably know this but just to reiterate: if you can't find someone easily or keep getting lots of no's, it's not because of you. I've seen tons of people get upset bc they feel like they're being rejected or excluded and no, timing just sucks ass. in conclusion, screw being human I would like to be a cat so my only worry is that I haven't eaten since 30 seconds ago.

I'm watching Top Chef on Netflix for lack of anything else and oh my god the subtitles. I seriously need to find out who does the subtitles for Netflix and see if they all need hearing aids or something because so much of this is fucking wrong. Bake Off didn't have nearly as many issues so I have to wonder if they were done by the British company behind it. ugggggggh. And it's like there's no quality control either. Like did no one read the transcript back and see that some of this shit makes no fucking sense? it would be really nice if there were some kind of job fairy that would pop down and be like "fine, you do it better!" and hand me a position once I reached a particular level of outrage at whatever I complain about. Hell yes I think I could do better.

I start looking on Psychology Today's website. They have a "find a therapist" tool; therapists create their own profiles and put their specialties and interests and whatever. And then once I have specific people I'm interested in I'll check my insurance website to see if they're covered. Because yeah the process sucks balls.

My brother is a fucking winner. "how fast does the dentist get you in if it's potentially serious? I'm pretty sure I've had an abscessed tooth for like two weeks and I think it's at the point now where it can kill me so I should probably get that looked at." bruh. I know I've been saying I hope he and my father both die but if it happens due to something fully fucking treatable that he just couldn't be bothered doing something about then that's just fucking stupid. Ugh.

Ew. Got steak from Outback (obviously a mistake) and ordered it medium rare. It was all but raw. Could not get through it. Oddly enough the only other time I've had raw meat was... a burger I ordered medium rare from a different Outback years ago. But I was scarred enough by it to remember what the texture was like and just, ew. Disappointing. Clearly the universe is telling me to go vegan again.

Found another weird growth thing on Fat Kitty. Smaller than the other one but similar. He has an appointment Tuesday for his monthly shot and they're gonna have a doctor take a look at him then. I just went down and told my father "if it turns out to be bad news or something they want to biopsy or whatever, I'm not letting it happen." Poor bastard is 20, hates car rides and the vet in general, I'm not putting him through a bunch of testing or whatever. And now I've apparently sent my father down some kind of anxiety/depression spiral. Oops. Not looking forward to the conversation with my brother. suddenly I'm remembering that at his exam a couple months ago the vet said he did have some like, age-related skin things going on and they're normal and not worrying? But I was thinking more like skin tags and not weird gross-looking maybe-oozing-something bumpy things? So it could be nothing. I might have been driving myself crazy for two weeks over normal stuff. But ehhhh I did kinda need to get it out there that I love the fucker but I'm not putting him through shit just to keep him around longer. I told him he's supposed to live forever but it's up to him really. and now even though I've used hand sanitizer and thoroughly washed my hands with lots of soap I still feel kind of icky after accidentally touching the small one. I'm just so skeeved out by weird medical things and grossness and I can't get the feeling to go away. Yuuuuuck. Send help.

Made it halfway through the book and couldn't do anymore. Returned it early and went back on the waiting list for it. sheets have been dried and will stay there until tomorrow. Also cleaned out the ventless lint trap, refilled it with water, and duct taped a hole in the vent tube thing. (My father didn't know that colored duct tape is still, in fact, duct tape?) Tidied my room a bit, dusted some stuff, took recycling out. Had more in mind buuuuut... despite the fact that I cleaned the sink thoroughly and there's currently no trace of swamp monster, my father refuses to put anything down in the sink at all. So he left stuff in precarious positions around it on the counter. And while making his dinner he knocked a bowl into the sink and it broke. So he screamed and yelled and tantrum-ed. and that was more or less the end of my day. I didn't actually know it broke until ten minutes ago when I went to feed some cats and the pieces were all still in the sink. I assumed he just dropped it since that elicits the same reaction. But anyway, fight or flight got triggered and there's not a whole lot of anything left in me now to care about chores or goals. vague ray of light here: some challenges ago I had a goal of just taking a deep breath whenever thing 1 or thing 2 did something to bother me. And I caught myself doing that during the sink drama today. Totally automatic. So something is working.

Sheets are in the wash. Dishes I did yesterday are in the process of being put away so there's room to do the rest. Clearing my desk is probably not happening. I'm currently reading a book called Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and have just barely started chapter 2 and it's a mindfuck. Mostly in a good way. But it's still going to eat a lot of spoons. The dealing with anxiety goal is probably going to be something related to calming the aftermath of reading this book. Yikes.

God I think I was actually right when I was mocking myself in the previous post. I just googled again to double check and I'm getting tons of results from legit sources saying basically that what's happening is/can be normal. So it very well could be that my body is just so fucked it's overreacting now where it never did before. Yikes. Saturday plans: - finish dishes - wash my sheets - clean my humidifier - clear off my desk and actually use it for computer things like a grownup - eat every anti-inflammatory food that's ever been created

Got a flu shot yesterday. Same thing is happening that happened last year. Bright red spot, warm to the touch, tender when poked. I'm not concerned about it in the immediate moment but I'm still wondering what the fuck is happening and why all of a sudden. Part of me wants to be all "it's bc I'm fat and don't take care of myself blah blah blah" but I feel like it can't be just that? If it gets worse I'll hit up an urgent care but otherwise I'll just message my doctor on Monday just to keep her posted. I'm just tired of all the random shit that seems to pop up. (time to go eat vegetables and lose weight and become a zen master)

First goal - washed a ton of dishes, have others soaking but probably won't do it til tomorrow. Anxiety goal - cleared out my inboxes and addressed some shit that had been sitting there and that I'd been avoiding. food goal - I got a side salad with my shitty food? I still feel stupid anxious despite actually getting things done. I have no idea what's causing it. It's annoying. I guess there's meditating in my future tonight. Ugggggh. unofficially I'm making a goal to fully clean my room and get shit sorted by the end of the year. Including posting all the relevant shit on Facebook. Not going full KonMari or anything but there's definitely more shit here than I need and I'm tired of dealing with it. Bleh.

Poor baby! I hope she feels better soon

Just opened Duolingo for the first time in a while to see if they have Latin because I'm a weirdo. Found it on the first lesson of Dutch. Forgot I even started that one. Nerd status confirmed.

I'm currently feeling super restless and like I should get up and clean or get a job or cure cancer or something. but I also feel like I just want to melt into the floor and do absolutely nothing ever again. how annoying. edit: was going to post some shit on Facebook to get rid of but some lady is posting what looks like the entire contents of her garage one item at a time and I'm like, really irritated by that for some reason so now I just want to burn everything down. My brain is a mess.

Doctor is not concerned with heart and lungs feeling shitty right now. Said start exercising in small doses, understand recovery might take longer, but right now it seems like normal post-covid bullshit and will only be concerning if it doesn't improve over the next few months. I can handle that. Time to do all the yoga I guess. my heart rate and blood pressure were very high when they initially took my vitals. I'm sure it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my father told me I could take the car and then was 20 minutes away from home when I was getting ready to leave. I told him last night I'm fine taking an Uber just let me know so I can allow extra time. So that was fun. She checked my bp before she let me go and it was fine so whatever. I also get to start taking Wellbutrin in addition to the Zoloft so that will be interesting. that is, if my fucking Uber driver doesn't get me killed before I get home. This dude is terrible omg. anyway. Will slightly readjust my challenge later to fit what just happened. And follow it through the end of the year bc why not.

Good news, I managed to eat food today without getting any in places it didn't belong! other than that today has been meh. Didn't get enough sleep, so then wound up falling asleep after therapy which was not planned and ate several hours out of my day. Did not do anything I wanted to do today as a result. Still have some time to get things done but I'm over it. Ready to go to bed for the night and try again tomorrow. I have to get up earlyish and shower because I have an appointment with my doctor which is mehhhhhh. She may want to adjust my meds so I'm not looking forward to that discussion just because it's complicated. I could probably use the additional help but it can only go so far because I can't medicate myself out of my current environment. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ discussed goals and shit with my therapist so something good came out of today. After I see my doctor and figure out what's up with the post-covid garbage and how to address it, I'm gonna have to sit down and figure out a plan. Again. Must do the things.

Ate a salad and drank a ton of water. Listening to relaxing music right now. Cleaned my room a bit and put some things back where they belong. Boom, goals done. In addition to the breathing thing I'm also finding my heart is beating much harder at the slightest bit of exertion and I'm not happy about it. I know they could be related, I know it can take forever to fully recover from covid, but I don't know where the fucking line is between "this is def covid related" and "this is def an escalation of my preexisting issues and I should worry." Obviously will be bringing it all up to my doctor tomorrow but I fucking swear to god I will never forgive my father. I know plenty of people seem to be getting covid despite their best efforts and it was probably inevitable, but I know for a fact this selfish asshole goes all kinds of places and refuses to wear a mask and I don't go fucking anywhere so you can't even pretend I didn't get it from him. I just hate everything about this and how fucking unfair it is. so anyway. Once again I'm now feeling intense pressure from myself to pull a 180 and immediately start eating perfectly and exercising and becoming a zen master and pretty much fix all the things. And then get anxious about all the things that need fixing. And how I clearly suck at life for not having fixed them yet. Ugh, rage. And anxiety. And more rage. whatever. Wednesday's to do list consists of taking a shower, washing a single bowl so I can't use not having clean things to eat from as an excuse for ordering food, and getting my ass into bed at a reasonable hour since my brother will be doing cat breakfast Thursday morning so I have no reason to stay up. Maybe do something about groceries. don't wanna adult.

so first off, I know you attribute the meltdowns and such to being on the spectrum and I'm totally not disagreeing with that. but the part of your first post that I quoted resonates hard with me and it's something I've talked to my therapist about. a lot. like how tf do people go through horrific things in their lives and come out the other side doing amazing shit, while I'm over here being useless just because my parents didn't love me enough? but also how did my brother and I turn out so different growing up in the same environment? part of it is apparently nature and/or/vs nurture - some people are for some reason just like, born better equipped to deal with shit that gets thrown at them. so it's really not fair to compare ourselves to people who have an advantage we don't. and otoh, we learn how to deal with shit from the role models we have. i have a much shorter fuse than I would like and struggle with letting things go especially when I feel like I've been wronged somehow - and you've seen the stories of my father's victim complex and utter lack of emotional regulation, so real mystery where I get that from right? Correct me if I'm way off base, but I'm assuming based on how you interact with your mom now that when you were growing up you may not have been given the "how to have feelings properly" starter pack either. so like, maybe somewhere along the way now you can learn how to manage your reactivity and be positive or whatever the word of the day is. but your perceived lack thereof isn't a personal failing. you do have real, legitimate problems and it's super unfair to yourself to be like "rah I suck so hard compared to people in entirely different circumstances." I think even caring and being aware of it puts you ahead of a shit ton of people out there. It's not like you just threw the instruction manual out the window and decided to do everything "wrong;" you maybe never got that instruction manual or got just a few random torn-out pages and now you're trying to figure out the rest on your own. idk. I've had this post open for a couple days now because I still can't figure out if I'm wording it all properly. tl;dr don't be so hard on yourself?

bruh there's now 5 books in the angels & demons series? and a third movie? wild. went to grab the ebooks and of course all of them are available except the first one. they even have it in spanish and italian, but no french. meh. I've read it and the da vinci code before but I wanted to start at the beginning. mehhhh. boo on other people taking advantage of library resources.

how's it going?

I want to make a joke about you sharing their secrets but I got nothin'.

bruh I just watched that movie and I was expecting a documentary at first. womp. super interesting though. i'm probably going down a rabbit hole about him at some point. never knew about any of this. makes sense, just not something I've ever looked into. there's another rabbit hole. what are you doing to me? same. I can't prove anyone's existence or lack thereof ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ but this kind of shit is interesting regardless

yeah idek. Clearly inhaled something at some point. But I googled, because of course I did, and what happened when I blew my nose doesn't match anything I can find so I have to assume bread went in the wrong place. Or I'm slowly being taken over by an alien or something. Time will tell. (istg if this kind of shit happened to anyone else I wouldn't believe it.)

My father had an Outback that treated him well until some lady totaled it. Had it for 6ish years with one issue (battery thing that was a known thing I think?) And he has shit luck with cars despite typically knowing what he's doing. I know nothing about cars but I liked that one a lot more than the RAV4 he has now.