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Everything posted by fleaball

  1. My blood sugar was all the fuck over the place today. I think I made it worse for myself and wound up overcompensating: doing too much to try to bring it down from super high, eating too much when it hit way low, all kinds of fun. Now I physically feel like shit and I don’t know if it’s related to the wild swings or if it’s something else entirely. Blergh. Sunday I totally scrapped my to do list but then wound up doing laundry anyway. I even folded it all! I haven’t put it away yet, but I’m taking the win. Did nothing else Sunday. Oh, except want to punch my father. Shockingly enough he did take the initiative to call the nurse line and ask what to do, they told him he had 24 hours from when he got bit to get the booster so it was up to him whether to go to urgent care or just call his doctor in the morning. He spent 15 minutes sitting on my bed going back and forth over not wanting to wait until the next day but not wanting to waste his night at urgent care and i just wanted to shake him and yell at him to make a decision. Finally he opted to wait til Monday but I still don’t know why he needed to be in my room to figure it out. More fun, I’ve had to bandage the fucking thing every night since. It’s on the outside of his leg right about the ankle bone and he can’t see it. I straight up told him “I know you’re old but it concerns me you’re not flexible enough to move your leg so you can see this.” He got mad at me. Sorry, I have literally 100 pounds on you and I can still move without an issue. And then I demonstrated and he tried to copy me and couldn’t. That’s cool. istg if he falls and breaks a hip someday I’m just leaving him in a nursing home forever. Moving on. Monday I saw my nutritionist (who is in Minnesota, go figure) and I’m still loving it. We aren’t doing a whole lot yet because she’s still trying to get a feel for what my home environment is like and what reasonable goals and actionable steps would be for my particular situation. Goals for this week are again eating within half an hour of getting up and going outside 3 times, plus walking over to Aldi. And then turning around and coming back. If it’s a good day and I want to go inside great, but the requirement is fulfilled just by going over there. It’s funny, that goal came from me saying I’d been considering going over there and buying just one predetermined thing to kind of work up to going shopping and all the related bullshit. And she pulled it back and I was like “yeah that makes so much sense but is not something I would ever come up with on my own because it feels way too small.” Which segues nicely into one of the things I have on my list for therapy tomorrow, which is that I have no fucking concept of limits on what I can and can’t do. It’s not even the I-hate-baby-steps thing, it’s just that I severely underestimate the time/energy/effort/whatever involved in things. For example, at one point last week I was telling myself that after wandering around Boston after my PT appointment I would take the train home but get off one stop before mine, walk the stupid distance from the train to Trader Joe’s (seriously they added this station to get people to go to this area with all kinds of new shops and shit but the put the station ridiculously far from everything), and then wander around TJ’s and shop then walk a mile home with my groceries. Eventually I realized it was a stupid fucking idea but for a while I was all in and was gonna do it. That’s basically all I did Monday. I’m still sleeping poorly so I’m mostly a zombie. today I was woken up at 8:30 by a phone call. I emailed my doctor over the weekend saying hey the app says I’m overdue for a pneumonia vaccine but I got it two years ago and I thought it was one and done, am I wrong and if so I can just get it at cvs right? No response, until someone calls this morning saying “your doctor wanted us to schedule an appointment for you to get this shot.” Pfft. Two hours after that I wake up to my father knocking ever so gently on my door, turns out he’s losing his mind because he’s on hold with social security trying to sign up for Medicare (he still has to sign up and officially be rejected in order to stay on his current plan) and he got texted a code to login to the website and after 8 years of having an iPhone doesn’t know how to do things while on a call. (Put it on speaker - or don’t - and just use your phone normally.) so I had to tell him that. Then I went downstairs and wound up just taking his computer out of his hands and taking over while he talked to the guy. Aaaaand it wouldn’t let him complete the application online, presumably because he’s not eligible, so now he has to wait for them to call him to schedule a phone appointment to try to sign up. Fucking love bureaucracy. So we hang up and he continues losing his mind because he’s convinced he’ll lose his insurance the day he turns 65 if this doesn’t happen ASAP. I already spoke to the city benefits people - on speaker- last week who confirmed that he’s good, but why believe them when you can panic instead? So I called them *again* and said “hey SSA is taking their sweet time with this shit and my father is freaking out, what’s the deal.” And the guy was like “no ma’am, he has until 3 months after his birthday to finish the process.” Which I knew. But it doesn’t matter that I knew. That calmed him down though and I went back to bed. Poor sleep though. then the blood sugar bullshit happened, I wound up going out for Pokémon for an hour, more sugar bullshit, and now I’m here physically tired but not go-to-sleep tired. Also I stripped my bed earlier but before I could get any clean sheets down Fat Kitty made himself comfortable so now I have to do that before I can go to bed. Womp. But I went outside today so that’s something.
  2. Also, in case your brain works like mine and this needs to be explicitly said: it's okay to leave and never look back. Choosing yourself and your sanity over your mother and her bullshit is a perfectly valid and acceptable choice when/if you get to that point.
  3. Cancelled the massage, mostly because while stressed and being awake I started picking at my skin and that’s gross and now has to heal. Womp. anyway. Took some ibuprofen around 9:30am for the headache that was happening. Finally fell asleep sometime after that. 1:30pm I wake up because my father is hovering outside my door. (Thank you hypervigilance?) He got bit by a fucking dog while out on his walk and as apparently working himself up to going through my first aid stuff (right by the door) for ointment and whatever else. He says it didn’t break the skin, but when he takes off the bandaid the lady gave him there’s blood so I tell him he’s wrong. Rolls his eyes. Wipes it off with an alcohol wipe, “if it stings that means it’s in there right?” In the broken skin? Yes. Tbf it’s not deep, more like scratches, but still. Then he starts mumbling about tetanus shots. Whatever, I try to go back to sleep but it’s half an hour til cat lunch so that doesn’t work. gave up, got coffee. Went down to feed the cats, tell him he can find his last tetanus shot in the hospital app, he practically throws his phone at me saying he tried and couldn’t find it. Spoiler: it was in 2012. He starts asking me does he need another one right this second, can it wait until the doctors office is open tomorrow, okay fine when are urgent cares open because he doesn’t want to go to the ER… I told him to call the nurse line for his insurance if it’s that big a deal. Dog had its rabies shot in September of last year so I think he’s okay on that front, and if not iirc you have 3 days from exposure until you pass the point of no return. But also… I’m not a nurse? Or any other kind of medical professional? The closest I came was taking a semester of Organic Chem with like 200 pre-meds. Fucking leave me alone. and I got a new deodorant and it’s floral smelling somehow despite being a mens flavor and it’s driving me up the fucking wall. Help.
  4. It’s 7:30. I’m still awake. Partly because I live with idiots who act like they live alone, partly because the back of my knee is suddenly hurting whenever anything including my sheet touches it. I assume it’s angry veins but ugh why now. kinda thinking today’s to dos won’t get done. Also strongly considering cancelling that massage but not going to do it now while angry and sleep deprived.
  5. It’s 5am and some half-formed thoughts decided to grace me with their presence. Something about me struggling with making/doing goals and the words goals feeling to me like they’re supposed to be aspirational and something just out of reach? Like if I say “I’m going to meditate 5 days this week” then cool, that’s a stated fact and intention. But “my goal is to meditate 5 days this week” feels weaker and more up in the air? Not sure if this is my brain trying to justify being bad at goals or if there’s something else going on. Language brain being super pedantic? Idk. I know “goal” has a number of definitions and connotations but maybe I’m just stuck on one. I’ll revisit this after sleep. If I ever get there. I feel like there’s still a part of this that’s missing. If any of it makes any sense to anyone else feel free to chime in.
  6. I guess I was wrong and talking to roommate about her dad stirred up more than I thought, because I was kind of off for the rest of the day. Oh well, shit happens. I’ll bring it up in therapy this week and we’ll probably uncover all kinds of unresolved issues. Just booked a massage for Thursday. Already stressing about it because that’s what I do. Le sigh. But it takes under ten minutes to walk there, I’ve been there before, and it’s literally a block beyond my usual Pokémon hunting grounds so it’s not like it’s foreign territory. My brain just sucks. Looking at the to do’s I posted for last week, I’ve kinda caught up? Massage is booked, waterpik came out of the box it was shipped in although I haven’t opened the thing itself, laundry got scrapped bc I discovered a bunch of clean clothes in my dresser (go figure). Cooking and oatmeal never happened but those were reach goals. Did the Medicare thing. So like, I did shit last week. Not as much as I wanted to, but I did things. And I need to be okay with that. 4/3 to do: - change sheets again and complain about it being a thing - figure out whether I bought the right waterpik and open it if yes - go outside for five minutes - cook pasta - put dirty sheets OR laundry in the wash - try to remember the goals I thought of for the rest of the challenge - declutter one surface in my room All potentially doable in a day. If I do 5/7 I’ll take it.
  7. I’m gonna murder something. Reluctantly ordered food more than two hours ago because I was hungry. Get the ETA and it’s reasonable. Eventually get an alert saying the dude has my order and is 4 minutes away (after delivering others first, not because I ordered from somewhere 4 minutes away and waited hours for it). Half an hour later the map still says he’s 4 minutes away and hasn’t moved. I chat with Uber support saying hey wtf, he hasn’t moved and also hasn’t acknowledged the message I sent ten minutes ago. Support guy can’t seem to understand the problem and just keeps saying the guy is on his way. After 20 minutes of arguing with him he cancels the order and refunds me. Now I’m waiting for new food from somewhere else. I could have made something in the meantime but spoons. I’ve eaten some trail mix so I haven’t just been sitting here for 3 hours being dumb but still. Then I check my email and there’s one from the mortgage company saying they’ve received a duplicate payment and to call them if that’s not right. Call my father, ask if he wants to call them, he says sure and he’ll be right back - that was ten minutes ago. What fucking twilight zone am I in right now? so now I’m hungry, pissed off, and also want to throw things at everyone. Christ.
  8. blergh. Roommate’s dad is now at the dying stage of having cancer and I feel terrible for her. he’s being just as stubborn about it as my mother was. I was decently motivated and actually doing stuff until we started talking about it, and now all of that has left me. Not sure if it’s the overactive empathy thing or the trauma thing but it doesn’t really matter I guess. Playing some video games for now, doing small things during cutscenes to say I did stuff today. I walked to the mailbox a block away to drop something in it, then just stood outside my house to get a full 5 minutes because I totally forgot I was supposed to be doing that for the nutrition thing. Whoops. I'm annoyed by this. I accept that it’s a thing that happens when you have mental health issues, and I’m not annoyed at myself but at the situation. Like, I have shit to do, brain, can we get it together please? and my father is currently asking me how to boil potatoes. Let’s think about that one for a second. okay. Back to piano music and video games.
  9. oh sure, I totally get that. My complaint is more that whenever I said I’d been clenching more because of stress, regardless of the reason, his first response was always “are you still seeing a therapist?” Like dude if she could magically solve all my problems in one session I wouldn’t even be seeing you right now. Chill. I’ll get over it soon. Just a little extra bitter right now. And I have no fucking clue why but while typing out that sentence I got a ridiculously strong urge for hot chocolate. What is up with my brain right now?
  10. So Wednesday, after I spent two hours basically doing all the medicare stuff for my father, including accompanying him to the meeting with the navigator, I asked him if he'd drive me into the hospital for my PT appointment. He hesitated and I said never mind, I'll take an uber. He said no, the reason he was hesitating is that he and other retired guys had planned to meet for lunch today but no one had actually confirmed it so he wasn't sure. Again I said I'd take an uber, no worries. Two hours later he texts me "Did you book your uber already? If so cancel" followed by "not going tomorrow." I was on my way downstairs to feed the cats so I just talked with him in person rather than texting back; we planned to leave at 11 for the 15 minute ride to my 11:30 appointment ( "we can leave at whatever time you want but you're the one who'll be late so..." ). Cool. Thursday he bangs on my door at 10:20 am and yells at me that it's almost 10:30. I say "I know," because I'd been awake for an hour already thanks to him making all kinds of fucking noise doing god knows what. He pulls an attitude and stomps away. Okay. Sure. 10:55 I go downstairs fully dressed, purse and granola bar in hand, and he's sitting there with his coat on and says in a very pissed off tone "you know you should have told me you cancelled it, I could have gone out for a walk." I didn't. "You texted me yesterday and said it was cancelled." No I didn't, we talked about it and you said we'd leave at 11:00. "You said your appointment is at 11." I was pulling up uber on my phone and ready to just do that instead, but then as he continues arguing with me about how I'm wrong about everything concerning my own appointment, he's got his keys in hand and is ushering me out the door. He proceeds to drive as if I'm still going to be late, including tailgating people, getting pissed when people are going too slow, and freaking out about a long line to take the left turn onto the hospital campus. As soon as we made said turn he starts freaking out about where do I need to go and where should he drop me off and and and - like we haven't been to this hospital a hundred times. I just told him to pull over and I walked the last block and a half because I was so done. Eventually I get home and he's still harping on the fact that I texted him yesterday and said I wasn't going. No I didn't. "Look, it says right here 'not going tomorrow.' Why would you say that if you were still going?" And then he didn't believe me that he texted that to me. I wish I could blame dementia but it's really just another case of him misunderstanding something and then rewriting reality to fit his narrative. During my PT appointment I was saying that I'd been clenching my jaw more lately because of stress at home and he went off on his spiel again about am I still seeing my therapist and have we discussed stress management techniques and have I discussed upping my zoloft dose with my doctor and again just... dude. Yes to the first two, no to the second, and fuck you, all of the meditation and chamomile tea in the world can't just magically stop me from being stressed the fuck out by my circumstances. He was a great PT otherwise but just didn't seem to grasp that there's no fucking magic fix for this. And the whole time during this conversation I'm thinking about how much of an idiot my father is and it was just fucking ridiculous. Even better, on the drive there my father told me that since I wasn't going to be home for a few hours he was going to "attack" the bathroom, ie with the lemon-scented clorox + bleach spray that wreaks havoc on my ability to breathe. I say fine, just please for the love of god leave the window open so it airs out. I come home, the window is indeed open but 3 layers of shower curtain are pulled across it (window is dead center in the shower and he's paranoid about people seeing even his outline through it?) so it really didn't air out. Great. Shove the curtain aside and open the window all the way, he throws a fit. idk maybe if you left your dick in your pants until you actually get in the bathroom and shut the door you'd notice the open curtain? Anyway, right now it's 12:45am and the bathroom still reeks of lemon bleach. Some kind of scrub brush is lying in the middle of the floor and was certainly not rinsed because everything that had previously been on the floor (bath mat, nasty towel, other assorted fun) were dumped in the tub along with whatever dirt and grossness was on them. So that's awesome. Also a sponge that he used to clean other stuff with the clorox is sitting, unrinsed and covered in grossness, in the shower on top of my brother's super-manly-not-a-loofah washcloth. I'm guessing that's why it still reeks in there - sponge saturated with clorox. But of course all night any time I go in there and start coughing I can literally hear him muttering to himself about how I'm being melodramatic and what more do I want and all that. Right now I really just want to go to bed, but I'm avoiding brushing my teeth and all the associated tasks because I don't want to be in the bathroom for that long, but if I wait much longer my brother is going to come up and spend an hour in the bathroom doing nothing. god I fucking hate these people. I had a good day, I got some exercise, I got good feedback at PT despite slacking on the exercises recently... and then I come home and all of that just goes away. I really want to wake up in the morning and find them both dead. That would be nice.
  11. lolol Queer Eye Germany exists (German Fab 5) and I can’t figure out if I’m more excited because Queer Eye or because foreign language. Help.
  12. I walked ~4 miles today for pokemon and now I’m dead. I feel a lot better than in the past thanks to the new shoes I bought last month but maybe going from 0 miles to all the miles wasn’t the best idea. Oh well. At least I know I’ll survive my 5k on May 1. (Oh god why.) And hey, I also got cut loose from PT today so that’s good. Even though I’ve been clenching my jaw a lot more lately and it’s been a lot more painful, apparently the situation has improved from when I started seeing him in November? He took measurements and whatnot and I have a much better range of motion in all the ways he looked at and strength has increased too. Idk I’ll take it. Now I just have to be a grownup and keep doing the exercises on my own. Womp. On the Medicare front, I got fucking lucky y’all. Tuesday night I did a lot of research and felt like I had a pretty good handle on it, as much as you can because fuck this shit. We get to the navigator appointment, my father starts off saying “I was a police officer” and immediately she’s like “oh, I can’t actually help you then.” Um. So as a cop he didn’t have social security or Medicare taxes taken out of his paycheck. (And my mother didn’t work enough to have enough credits/quarters/whatever they’re called.) So he’s not eligible for “free” Part A, which is free for most people because you’ve already paid for it via those taxes. And because of the way things work with ‘government’ jobs like his, basically there’s no shopping around for Medicare plans, whoever you worked for has a select group of options you can pick from. So this lady really couldn’t help us beyond a basic explanation of Medicare as a thing, because most of her spiel was irrelevant to the situation. She *was* able to tell us that Part A would cost him $499 a month, and Part B would be like $386, and both would go up yearly. And then there’s the cost for the other options through the city. lmao wut. BUT! when we got home I read the letter he got from the city Benefits Office last month with “you’re turning 65, here’s what we need you to do.” I’d read it before but none of it meant anything to me. Lo and behold, it says if you’re not eligible for free Part A, you’re not required to get Medicare at all. Call the Benefits Office, his only contribution is to confirm his identity and tell them they can talk to me, I explain the situation and say okay what now. Aaaaaand… forget Medicare, he can stay on their regular health insurance plan until he dies. Which is honestly an insanely good plan. I am so fucking relieved. I don’t have to deal with any of this ever again. I don’t even need to badger him about insurance once a year because it just rolls over unless he chooses otherwise. Thank fuck. And on the lawl front, within the first two minutes of the meeting, the navigator lady clocked that I was the one doing all the work and essentially making the decisions and more or less just directed all of her speech to me. And on the way out told my father “you have a real gem here, you know that right?” Huzzah? So that’s the highlights of the week. Haven’t done a lot else otherwise. I’ve had issues sleeping, had insane headaches as a result, really just been pretty dead. Trying to get things done and have done some small tasks but most of the to do lists I’ve posted here haven’t been addressed. Friday I finally have nothing to do or prepare or leave the house for. I’m 100% going to catch up on sleep and decompress. And then get shit done. Because I am feeling so fucking off right now. so that’s that. I need to catch up on some threads but not sure it’s going to happen tonight due to lack of brain cells.
  13. You should have seen the faces I was making listening to him when we were car shopping last year. The irony is something else man.
  14. fwiw, my father with all of his MURICA bullshit etc, adamantly refuses to buy American cars.
  15. Did very few things Monday because I had an absolute bitch of a headache that has still not fully gone away despite ibuprofen. Trash went out, smaller things that weren’t posted about got done. That’s about it. Tossed an electrolyte tablet in my water because I’ve been feeling dehydrated lately despite drinking a lot. Could be placebo effect but I swear I felt better after just a few sips. to do list for Tuesday: - actually do laundry because I need to go out in public both Wednesday and Thursday - fill out the Republican Leadership Survey that came to my house addressed to me and me alone. Not sure who fucked up there but I will either thoroughly enjoy it or want to light everything on fire depending on what the questions are like. - do the things I didn’t do Sunday and Monday - read the “Medicare for beginners” guide I found online because on Wednesday I get to accompany my father to a meeting with a navigator person and we all know who will be doing all the talking and asking questions - shower also. Y’all, I love my nutritionist. She really genuinely seems to get it and is willing to work with me where I am and on what *i* want to work on. As opposed to the one last year who I thought got it but then constantly wanted to do things her way. And also got mad at me when I mentioned weight loss in any context. Sorry but I’m pretty sure if I start eating a halfway decent diet it would be nigh impossible for me to stay 270 pounds. And the new one has had complete opposite reactions to the same things I’m saying, plus the language she’s using when we discuss things is really carefully chosen and idk I can’t explain it but between general language nerding and my grad studies I can just tell it’s good. That’s horribly vague but it’s true I swear lol. Now everyone cross your fingers that we can find ways to make actual changes despite my living situation. i may update the first post later with an actual set of goals for the rest of the week. We’ll see.
  16. Okay. Did none of the things on yesterday’s list. I mean I didn’t kill anyone, but that was the one thing on the list that took no effort to achieve. Came close to it though. I did attempt to book the massage but it needed too many spoons. (Pick a day and a time and a style and a length and nope.) The rest I just said fuck it because blind rage. I’ll leave the massage for the end of the week but try to do the rest of the list today. Maybe swap out washing sheets for clothes instead. There was something else I wanted to do today but I already forgot it, yay. yesterday was fun. My father was mad that I was mad most of the day. He did what I’ve come to realize is his version of apologizing, which is to offer to do something “nice” for me multiple times (clean the nasty guitar, get me food from the Chinese place he was going to) and if I take him up on it then clearly all is forgiven. Thats… not how it works. But yeah. No other words spoken about it. I’m still pissed.
  17. Dropping this here before I forget but nutritionist goal for the week is to eat something within 30 minutes of waking up every day. Sounds simple, probably going to be a challenge. Now I have to feed some cats and then I'll be back eventually. edit: and also to go outside for 5 minutes 3 times this week.
  18. Aaaaaand the train I was going to take home after pokemon-ing on Thursday is shut down until further notice. For good reason, but the timing sucks. Is today over yet?
  19. I found it. In a place it had no right being but at least it was in the house. There is literally no word in any of the languages I know to describe how fucking livid I am. I’m just sitting here in disbelief. And I think the rest of my to do list just went out the window because my brain is scrambled right now. Christ.
  20. New addition to the to do list for today: find my fathers motherfucking gun because that’s gone missing. i have no words.
  21. Since I’m still awake: goals/to dos for Sunday: - book a massage before I kill someone - take my trash out - open my stupid waterpik that just got delivered - wash my sheets - seriously don’t kill someone - maybe cook if there are spoons - prep some overnight oats
  22. My brother took care of it. It was definitely dead so that’s something. He didn’t see the smiley face but he’s also high so idk. I literally made him ball up the paper towel he grabbed it with and wrap it in duct tape just in case. I started crying and got chills when he took it away. What a fucking mess. I might get some sleep just out of pure exhaustion (still haven’t been sleeping well lately) but it’s going to be a struggle the whole time. Fuuuuuuuck.
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