fleaball

I am not fit to interact with people today. Slept like shit because we got a new roof on the house starting at 7am sharp, and just now I somehow got a piece of my sandwich up my nose and didn't even realize? So yeah. See you all tomorrow.

Excuse me what the fuck. I'm watching a show on Netflix called "Mysteries of the Faith" which is about Catholic relics or something, and apparently the Crown of Thorns has not only been in France for centuries but is kept in Notre Dame?! How did I never know this despite having a goddamn French degree and fucking going to Notre Dame three fucking times?! Like real thing or not, you'd think somewhere in one of my history or culture classes they would have mentioned "oh btw Louis IX bought this crazy important thing and paraded it through the streets and it's been chilling here ever since." damn the first episode was mostly in French so I could rant while watching and not miss anything, but episode 2 is starting off in Italian so no more multitasking. Apparently while there's only one Crown of Thorns there are several chalices that claim to be the Holy Grail, including one in Spain. Idk about that one. I saw a pretty good documentary saying the real thing fell into a chasm in the Middle East after some Nazis tried to steal it. For real though I'm kinda worked up about the Crown thing. They're talking to firefighters who were tasked with going in and saving shit when the place was on fire and they didn't know it was there (and god the footage of the fire is still so heartbreaking) but apparently it also is put on display every Friday in Lent so it's not a super secret either? Seriously why is this a thing I never knew? I can't say I believe it's the real thing, although I guess it wouldn't be unreasonable to think that a bunch of sticks could survive 2300 years if they did in fact come into contact with god, but that part almost doesn't matter does it? Real or not, people believe it is and they give it that power and thus it's become this thing of massive cultural and religious importance. Yeah I think that's what it is that's throwing me off. The "how did this never come up" part and also the fact that I missed it. Like had I know you bet your ass I would have hopped on a train to Paris when I was studying there. I'm not religious and I don't care for history as an academic subject, but being in and around historical shit and seeing shit like this is something I love. Castles, roman ruins, Petra, the stupid shitty medieval town I lived in in France, all that shit is amazing. Even Notre Dame itself is fucking old and incredible. So yeah I think I'm just pissed that it was right there (in a hidden safe but whatever) and I had no idea and missed a chance to see it. now I'm sad and want to travel again. Everywhere. I want to see all the things. I miss the sense of awe and wonder that comes with just being surrounded by this shit. And yes I do live in a place with history but stuff from the 16-1700s isn't quite as awe-inspiring as stuff that's thousands of years old. But anything pre-colonists kiiiiinda got destroyed when they fucking killed everyone so we're kinda lacking things that old. okay apparently my soul hasn't actually shriveled up and died like I thought it had due to my current circumstances. It could be argued that I'm actually feeling passionate about something right now, and I felt it the last two days too! I binged the latest season of Bake Off and one of the bakers used BSL and had an interpreter (that they also didn't hide from the camera which I thought was awesome but that probably comes with having zero faith in humanity) and even though BSL is wildly different from ASL it made me really want to start learning the latter again so the point that I actually signed up for one of the websites I bookmarked years ago that's supposed to be good for learning it. That's more than I've ever done about it. Who even am I right now? There might be hope for me yet. oh, nope. That all just disappeared into the ether and now I'm just mad because damn, imagine all the things I could be doing with my life and been passionate about if my parents didn't fuck me up the way they did? Urrrrgh hypotheticals go away, I don't have therapy until Wednesday. I'm gonna go watch Indiana Jones now and sob into the salad I should have eaten by now. I planned on a challenge update but this rollercoaster of a post has taken up all my brain power.

poke

they were metal ones so I'm honestly shocked he didn't just boil them like he does everything else. Not expensive though. But nothing is ever his fault, even the things that are his fault, so of course he was going to throw a fit over it. Boooooooo

Challenge? What challenge? I woke up at 4:30pm and I'm not even sure what planet I'm on right now. 😞

Nope. Not doing the sink, not doing anything at all the rest of the night. My father is screaming his head off on the other side of my wall because he dropped some measuring spoons in the toilet. It's no one's fault but his own but he continues screaming about it. (As if they weren't already gross from being left in the bathroom anyway.) And now he's left the bathroom and is stomping around making the loud growling/grunting noises he makes when he's pissed. Needless to say my fight or flight mode has been triggered and I'm going to be staying in my room trying unclench every muscle in my body while avoiding my father at all costs. And being pissed the whole time because *I* am not afraid of my father's tantrums, but my fucking lizard brain is, and I really hate the fact that something this stupid makes me completely shut down. so much for not complaining.

I let my father borrow a blanket the other night bc it was cold and windy af (and we don't have insulation, a heat pump, or new windows to mitigate any of it ). Made it clear it was to borrow. Just now I told him if he's going to buy something else for his bed make sure it's a blanket and not a comforter because the latter won't fit in the washing machine we also haven't replaced. Got a deer in the headlights look. "I said you could borrow it but I want it back soon." And he's still just not processing what I'm saying. Not sure if in this case it's an issue of being entitled or just fucking stupid. Probably both. But also argh. I'll try to post something later that isn't just me complaining. For now, I've already gotten the trash and recycling out; washing sheets is postponed because I've already done way too many trips up and down stairs to look for something my father lost and I'm not pushing it with laundry; and dusting hasn't happened yet but it's still on the agenda. I'm about to go down and tackle the fucking slime monster in the sink yet again. The rest of my challenge goals can chill for today since it hasn't stared yet, although I've spent about an hour listening to piano music which does help anxiety so there.

Cleared all the shit off my bed, sat on the bed for 20 minutes telling myself to get up and brush my teeth because executive dysfunction, finally get all my shit and head to the bathroom and the second I do my brother walks in to use the bathroom on his break. Great timing. Bow I'm sitting on my bed again and waiting for him to leave. Partially my own problem because I could have just told him to fuck off and use the gross one in the cellar but it's cold af down there and that would be cruel. Plus half an hour isn't going to magically change my sleep habits. But man if this is r a perfect example of how it feels like I'm thwarted by the universe every time I try to do something. making lemonade and whatever though, I've been puttering around cleaning my room a bit. Goal #1 accomplished for the day lmao. Decided that today also needs to include washing sheets, taking trash and recycling out, and dusting 3 particular spaces in my room that are bothering me. Sounds like a lot. Might feel like a lot. But I also know for a fact I will feel so much better if I do those three things. And then I can just chill for the day if necessary. Go me.

Was going to write "it's amazing how easily I can have a bad day even when nothing goes terribly wrong" and then my brain goes "bitch that's called depression." Hurr durr. so anyway. I'm sleeping like shit and have also been making great decisions on that front - instead of going to bed at like 9 like I've wanted, I'm going to bed at like 6am. Because I've been staying up after my brother goes to work since that's the only peaceful time in my house, and then sleeping until mid-afternoon in order to avoid both him and my father for as long as possible. Not particularly conducive to good health or good sleep or generally getting things done and functioning like a normal human. And it's not helping the stress or anything else either. I think I'm going to leave the goals in the first post untouched. My therapist didn't have anything to add to it which is not surprising because after almost 7 years with her I think I'd be suspicious if she had suggestions she hadn't shared before. I think what I ultimately want out of this challenge/through the end of the year is to find some kind of baseline and set myself up to do more and be able to stick with it next year. (While ignoring that the whole "next year" part and resolutions and whatever are triggery for me yay.) So yeah. Progress on vague goals. Woo. actually for the fixing my lungs part I'm not sure what I'm doing. I emailed my doctor asking if I need like lung rehab or something because since having covid (which I will never stop being pissed about) I want to fucking die after slowly walking up a flight of stairs. She said that there's no evidence that helps anything less than severe Covid cases, but we could do a lung function test and go from there; I have an appointment next Thursday with her and she said it'll be better to discuss it then. Tbh I didn't really expect her to say yes go find pulmonary rehab but it's seriously fucking bothering me how out of breath I get. I already have exercise-induced asthma and this on top of it makes me worry about any kind of exertion. I typically use my rescue inhaler once every two or three months; I've used it a couple times a week the last 6 weeks. Maybe it will get better with time because covid sucks, maybe it won't. Bleh. But I did find some articles about diaphragmatic breathing and improving lung function that way so I'll try that in the meantime. I told my father he's getting cat shit in his stocking this year, and also if I wind up with any kind of chronic lung issue as a result of covid he'll need to start sleeping with one eye open. He looked slightly uncomfortable but that was the only reaction. I'm so close to just smothering him with a pillow at this point. He's constantly complaining about his own breathing issues and the anxiety it's causing and having to deal with it all as a result of covid and not once has he even acknowledged that he's done the exact same thing to me. No he did not give me covid on purpose but the second masks being stopped being required he stopped wearing them, he wasn't particularly cautious about it in the first place, he ignored or mocked me every time I tried to say 'hey covid can do x y and z now please be careful,' and when he fucking started feeling sick at the beginning of October I said he should do an at-home test because I have a bunch and he declined because he didn't want to stick it up his nose. Selfish fucking jackass. Ugh. okay. End rant. It's after 2am and I'm going to attempt to get my ass in bed before cat breakfast instead of staying up til then. Wish me luck.

lol it wasn't even that, I'm just being grumpy and contrary.

Do you want thoughts on this or are you just venting? I don't want to be all "well ackshually" like a jackass. here for you regardless. ❤️

Reminding myself here to update my previous thread and drop a link to this one there later. It's 6am and I haven't slept yet so now's not the best time for that.

It's the least wonderful time of the year in my world and I am a cranky bitch. I should maybe do something about that. goals are most likely going to change after I talk to my therapist but if I don't post a thread now it's never happening. 1. do one thing a day to make my bedroom or common areas of the house suck less, no matter how small a thing it is. 2. do something about my anxiety 3. eat food that won't kill me 4. learn how to breathe properly again since my lungs are still pissy about that while having covid thing and any kind of exertion makes me want to die

lurking!

My father is the dumbest man alive istg.

Hey you good?

Me: is dad baking yet? brother: he's been at it for hours bitching and yelling the whole time and I'm going to kill him. So anyway, that's going well. edit: either my brother exaggerated or my father is really fucking this up because the only thing that he's done so far is make - oh. Well he made twice the number of cupcakes he needed so yeah it's going super well.

I'm glad you have your brother. And your cats. Hang in there. drink a glass of water before you go to bed.

No breast cancer, hooray. so yeah my anxiety continues to reach new heights. At this point it's not even about anything specific it's just that there's no fucking break in the stress so my baseline anxiety is already higher than ever, so every little minor thing that comes up automatically becomes even worse. And my options for dealing with it all are move out and live under a bridge somewhere, kill my family and move to a non-extradition country, or meditate every waking hour of the day. Which also isn't possible because I can't go ten minutes without being interrupted by someone being an idiot. It's awesome. Anyway. My therapist took Wednesday off which is actually great for me bc my brother is off as well, meaning I can sleep for however fucking long I want and have nothing to get up for. After I do eventually get up the plan is change my sheets, clean my humidifier, and Google how the fuck to rehab my lungs post covid. Walking through the stupid hospital today was hard enough that I decided to take an Uber home instead of having to deal with switching subway lines that involve tons of walking and stairs. Like I was out of shape before but this is just miserable. Don't get covid kids.

Oh also I managed to short circuit my father this morning and it was hilarious. Dragged myself out of bed around 10 to use the bathroom and as I cross the threshold he calls my name. He could literally see me heading there. So I'm just like "can it wait?" and he's like "wh- uh, yeah?" It was satisfying. The heat went out last night and took forever to come back on after I fixed it at 3:30 so I left him a note to call the plumber for the yearly tune up just in case. Surprisingly he did call and even more surprisingly they said they'd be by today, so he wanted to know exactly what happened. Definitely could have waited to ask me after I left the bathroom. But I'll take the W anyway.

Did not plan on disappearing again but I've been at the bottom of an anxiety spiral and continuing to dig it deeper. It's fun. on the good-ish news front, endo doesn't want to see me anymore. Everything has been stable since I started seeing her and she said in that case my pcp can monitor me and endo can free up a spot for someone whose A1c is like 12 and not 5.9. Totally valid. I never actually wanted to see her on a regular basis, I just wanted someone to explain shit to me in the beginning after the NP I saw made it sound like I was going to die with my A1c at 6.5. So now I just need to work on being not fat to sort the rest of it out. mammogram went as smooth as it can, gonna feel the smushed boob for dayyyyyys but whatever. Traffic is fucking bonkers rn though yikes. And I kinda thought my Uber driver to the hospital was going to get us both killed which was fun. Oh well. Back to my cats and video games now whee. ps @Countess D'If it happened. My father was unpacking the ingredients I ordered for his desserts and he was like "oh we already have baking soda over there." It wasn't the cat litter one, but it was still an older box and it's been sitting next to the moldy sink for god knows how long with a rusty, disintegrating SOS pad leaning on it. And then he was also mad I ordered butter when there was some in the fridge... that expired in April. I was like "absolutely not. If it had been in the freezer the whole time then maybe-" and he goes to put it in the freezer then.