fleaball

You got this!

My order was wrong.

I feel spectacularly meh today. Called the vet to ask about FK. Washed and dried my sheets. Did not nuke the sink because the surface layer of slime was too thick; got most of it off with paper towel and dish soap and will nuke tomorrow or Monday instead. Messaged sleep doctor. Ordered groceries. Ordered comfort food for dinner that will make me feel better emotionally for about 45 seconds and then make me feel terrible physically for several hours. Asked my father multiple times to bring up a package of toilet paper from the cellar because that's where he puts it every time I buy some instead of the bathroom which would make sense; wound up grabbing it while when I put my sheets in the wash because he's an idiot. once again I have done things. Not only that but I did all the things on my list. I feel zero satisfaction for having done any of it. Instead I just want to fucking scream until I can't anymore. Both cats have been on my bed for most of the day getting in the way of everything. My father has spent most of the day watching movies in his room with the volume up high enough that I can make out dialogue with my door close and while wearing headphones. The counter I cleaned two days ago looks the same now as it did before I cleaned it. The cellar is full of spiderwebs but god forbid I mention it because I'm too old to be afraid of spiders. I am so. fucking. tired.

To do list for Saturday: - grocery order - wash my stupid fucking sheets - email the sleep specialist doc who said I don't in fact have sleep apnea, bc my insurance said they won't cover an in person sleep study next month since the home one already said I do I just want a solid answer. - nuke the fucking kitchen sink again - find a new video game to play bc I'm bored af

I feel like I've done too much adulting the past few days. I still have a zillion more things that need doing and the stuff I did is fairly small tasks in the grand scheme of things but I am so dead rn. All day I've had this super heightened anxiety that feels like I'm about to get in trouble for something someone else did. Which makes no sense at all. I know part of it is probably the double relief of my A1c being fine and the thing on my arm not being a big issue. Part of it is that FK is having litter box issues which is probably nothing but with his age I worry about everything at this point. But honestly it feels like there's something else I just can't pin down. Stupid mental health.

Damn. Good news, apparently my hair issue isn't being caused by uncontrolled diabetes. Bad news, now what do I blame it on? Stress and covid are still options but those aren't quite as easy to solve. Le sigh. my father is assuming his brother is doing thanksgiving even though we haven't heard anything yet. They live at least a half hour away and he's been panicking about the drive since last week. I would not mind if he had a panic attack and drove off the highway into a fucking lake. I would, in fact, be thankful for that on Thanksgiving.

True. But A1c is an "average" of the last three months, skewed more toward more recent time. And I guarantee I've been eating absolute garbage. It's just dumb.

True. What's extra weird to me though is independent of the triglycerides being an issue, i know I've been eating like shit lately and yet my A1c is down a couple tenths of a point from May. This shit really just doesn't make sense at all.

Bro what the actual fuck. My A1c is 5.9. My triglycerides are 270. This makes absolutely no fucking sense whatsofuckingever. I suppose I shouldn't complain but also what the fuck? also I just went to urgent care because one of the many times I got poked and prodded last month left a weird bump and isn't healing well. She said it's probably just scar tissue and nothing to worry about. Hooray, glad I paid a copay for that. Glad it's nothing serious but man I am in a mood today and that didn't help. Rawr.

got the weird lab tech I hate again. He said "studies have shown that those of us who've had covid are gonna have heart attacks because it raises our heart rate." Awesome. Then he says "I'm not one for conspiracy theories but I think it was a ploy to do away with social security. Just look at who the target was." Well now I have whiplash because the second statement erodes my belief in anything he has to say, but it also sounds reasonable for covid to fuck with hearts and no I'm not googling it right now. that's a great start to my day. Bleh.

Seriously. You want to reduce stress and keep healthcare costs down? That's how you fucking do it. relatedly, I am absolutely dragging my ass to get a fucking massage in the near future before I kill people.

Right, sorry. I forgot it interacts with like fucking everything. Glad you're feeling better though. I know your work is understaffed and all that but tell them to go to hell for a bit. You need rest.

Wellllllllp. For the past couple weeks I've been thinking my hair looked thinner in the front. Dismissed it because I've been through the hair loss song and dance before and I definitely havent been losing as much as I did before. And then while combing conditioner through it in the shower I realized that yeah, there is much less hair than there should be. Awesome. Cut it anyway (came out wonky as expected but oh well). Asked the interwebs. Turns out not only can unmanaged diabetes cause hair loss, so can fucking covid. How exciting. Not to mention high stress levels can cause it as well. I guess I need to seriously double down on stress management and fucking doing something about my weight and eating habits. Not sure how I can make enough changes when I live in ptsd-central but imma have to make it work. endo office called back, an NP reordered the A1c. Will be doing that in the morning. I am even less excited about it than I was before. Should be interesting. edit: and my hair is not just wonky, it is once again way too short. Whoops.

Slept like shit, which is how that's been going for a while. no response from the endo office so I called again; front desk lady was confused as to how the A1c is missing but confirmed there's no order there, ie it was done with the rest. So she sent a message to the nurses to have them look for or reorder it. Yay problem solving flea. also called my credit card again; it's turning into a ridiculous process to nuke my DoorDash account over the $8 they won't give me back. Couldn't do the dispute online because for some reason the transaction date changed once it posted and the system got mad at the discrepancy. Understandable. Called once, the disputes department closes at 6pm. Kept forgetting about it until it was after 6pm any given day. Did it now, guy kept arguing with me over the dates. I'm like dude I have screenshots of everything idk what you want me to tell you. Finally he does it, and apparently I have to wait for a snail mail letter acknowledging it before I can submit all my screenshots and phone call notes. Laaaaaaame. I better be able to do it online and not have to print and mail all this shit. This is absolutely not worth the effort but I am a petty bitch. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. now I still need to shower. I really fucking don't want to but I do want to be clean. Dilemma. No it's shower time now and I lm also going to cut my hair because it's too fucking long. Good thing I always wear it up anyway though bc every time I've tried this in the past it's come out wonky. Cross your fingers kids.

Credit card lady said I keep my cash rewards. I'll have to keep an eye on it anyway because I couldn't find that information anywhere in my account or card benefits or whatever. Also I really hate overseas call centers. On principle first and foremost, because companies are like "but we're paying people $2 a day and that's actually so much money where they live!" Fuck off. But also they don't train people to do anything beyond reading off a script so god help you if your question isn't already listed somewhere. Ugggggh. It's 12:20am. I should go to bed. But I really want to take a shower. But I don't want to go to bed with wet hair. First world problems to the max. more stupid phone calls and probably an urgent care visit tomorrow. I'm tired of adulting. And also tired of cats. They really need opposable thumbs so they can get their own food and leave me alone. Lazy jerks. edit: a wild boobcat appeared on my bed! Forgoing shower in favor of adorable kitty.

I care too, I'm just not doing great at checking in on people rn. So sorry you have covid. That shit sucks. Did you get paxlovid?

poke

did you accidentally buy cursed land built on an ancient burial ground? jfc sorry you're having such shit luck lately.

Called the endo office at 4:35. Website says they close at 5, voicemail said 4:30. Left a message, will probably call back tomorrow anyway. Gross. thought I might actually make myself some pasta tonight. Then wound up rage cleaning the kitchen counter while feeding some stupid cats and I don't want to set foot in the kitchen ever again, so that's out. about to call and yell at my credit card company (not really) because they "upgraded" my cash back card to a travel rewards card instead. Which would be great if I ever travelled. Which I don't. I don't even see a basic cash back card on their website anymore (probably why it got changed) so this so going to be fun. look at me doing all the adulting. I'm gonna need a nap after this.

So tl;dr I am still exhausted on like a cellular level. My brother is a dick, my father can't handle his anxiety, my house is filthy, and it's impossible to do anything relaxing or restful in these conditions. I'm surrounded by energy vampires and any spoons I may have to clean or do something for myself are consumed by other people before I can use them. It's fucking fun. Probiotic I'm taking 5/7 days of the week, usually I remember it on the other 2 but only when I'm not near it and then I forget by the time I am. Meditation/journaling goal not going well at all; I'm just not doing it, no particular reason why. Doing a self care or healthy thing is happening but not to the extent I wanted it to. I'm only managing really small things, which do count, but meh. Uterine shenanigans seem to have finally stopped and I am so fucking happy about it. So there's that at least. The gynecologist I saw is absolutely fucking amazing too. Hooray. still haven't gotten my A1c back. Have to call the office now and ask them to reorder so I can go get it done again ugh. I have a virtual appointment with the endo on Tuesday which I really just want to cancel but won't, and then an hour later I have to go in for that stupid mammogram I keep cancelling. Bleh. I just really don't want to drag my ass downtown for it. oh fun fact. So my grandmother with the genetic colon cancer thing was only tested for that, we think, but she did have breast cancer in the 70s. (No one knows why they tested her for the gene or who authorized it or where the results even went. You can see where I get my stellar communication skills from.) My father also has a zillion cousins and like 30% of the women have had breast cancer, although to my knowledge only two cousins have been tested for the gene. I got curious and it turns out that of the 4 genes that can cause Lynch syndrome, the one that runs in my family also literally doubles your risk of breast cancer. (Lynch syndrome is basically "you're fucked and gonna get colon cancer," and which specific gene is mutated determines what other cancers you're also more likely to get.) So damn, dodged a bullet there. Still pretty fucked cancer-wise given my poor diet and lack of exercise and constant state of stress, but that I can theoretically do something about.

I told him earlier I don't want to be involved in his baking beyond ordering the ingredients for him (because otherwise I'd be getting a hundred phone calls while he's in the baking aisle asking what to get). He comes into my room with two cookbooks to show me what he's thinking about doing and I'm just like wtf. and he wants to make a cheesecake. He really does not want to be talked out of it. Fucking pray for me.

Stupid website ate the post I was working on. lmao I'm not letting it happen. I won't be participating in the baking but for my own sanity I will be ordering all of the necessary ingredients online, including all of the things "we already have" because no.

The bathroom sink is clogged. The internet said pour baking soda and vinegar in and ~15 minutes later follow with hot/boiling water. I tell my father exactly that and also what I googled if he wants to see it for himself. he comes up with a dirty plastic water jug where he's mixed baking soda and hot water. And is mad when I say the hot water is supposed to follow the rest. I didn't even know the baking soda was in there at the time. I just don't get how I literally said "baking soda and vinegar first, hot water after" and he reinterpreted that and fucking rolled his eyes at me when I said that's not what I told him. And he also used an ancient box of baking soda that's been sitting near the litter box for years rather than the relatively new one I bought for cleaning. Doesn't matter in this case but the annual Thanksgiving baking clusterfuck is coming up and I can't say for sure he wouldn't use the same box for that. I'm going to be sick that day regardless. Actual update coming soon. I just needed to get that out.

Didn't want to call the doctors office and almost left it til Monday. But then called anyway. Front desk lady doesn't see A1c in my outstanding orders so it must have been done, says she'll send a note to the nurses and have someone call me to see what's up. Note literally says "pt had lab work done yesterday, HbA1c had not come back yet." Nurse calls back and just wants to talk about my triglycerides. ("I talked to your doctor, she said they were high because you probably not fasting." "The sad part is I was." "...oh.") I manage to ask about the A1c and she says she can see that it's pending and the results should be in soon. Double checked that it was for real done and I don't need new orders for it since I need it before my endo appt, she said no. Well okay then. Idk it's just making me anxious bc usually everything comes back in a couple hours but now it's been nearly 18. oh well. Now to ask the internet if there are any magical triglyceride-lowering solutions that aren't "exercise and eat better." I know there won't be but I can pretend.

Dropping myself a reminder here to call my doctors office tomorrow. I'll ignore it if I write it anywhere else. I had labs done after my appointment today for when I see the endocrinologist in two weeks, and I think they forgot to do the A1c. Still haven't gotten the results for it yet. Of all the ones to miss, they have to miss that one. Meh. (not that I actually want to know rn. My cholesterol is shockingly stable from last year although my triglycerides [not shockingly] went up kind of a lot. And if that went up I'm sure my A1c followed since it's all about shitty simple carbs. I just hope it's not too terrible because I really don't want to hear about Ozempic et al again.)