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Lara

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About Lara

  • Rank
    Resident Paella Expert
    Newbie

Character Details

  • Class
    assassin
  1. catched and teached sound good to me
  2. I've really lost all hope... I've accepted this is how it's going to be for at least another year and a half *sigh* I try to focus on the other aspects of our lives, which are awesome Worst about students seems to be to help them understand they have to get back into work. They have been slacking a whole year, and now it's hard for them to start over. I have good and bad days. Sometimes I get into a nice routine, when I do yoga, walk, read, and do WH about 3-4 days a week and I feel great. Then routine breaks, because reasons, and I feel awful. I start having thoughts (more fantasies than real thoughts) about getting back into self-defence (I don't even know if the gym still holds after all the covid stuff, or if I'd really like to get back into fighting again - maybe I just want to feel cool but I'm not serious about it anymore) or handstands, or feeling active and smart and all... Those are the worst days, because it seems I can only focus on what I have lost, and I feel depressed and think I'll never get back to being fit or to having actual me-time (sometimes I do have time, but zero energy because I just want to sleep). We can't rely on daily care, because here it opens only from 7am to 5-6 pm. And we work from 3-4pm to 9-10 pm. So we chose to reduce our hours and our salaries, and instead of investing money on a superexpensive day care that would cover our hours (there is only one place like that in our city), we don't earn so much but instead have time for Wolvie. I work on mondays, wednesdays and fridays, and boyfriend works tuesdays, thursdays and saturdays. This is for this year, I don't know how we will solve next one. I can't rely either on in-laws, not only because of how they behave (I must admit FIL is behaving WAY better, it's a relief), but also because of their total lack of commitment. As an example, a couple of weeks ago, Wolvie and boyfriend got sick and I had to go to work. There was no way that my boyfriend could take care of the kid in his state so I called my MIL and asked her to come home and help him while I was at work (she's retired now so it shouldn't be much trouble).
  3. Well, it's been a while. Again. Life is busy. And I'm also finding difficult to focus. There are many things I want to "DO", but I'm trying not to let my brain start on the self-demanding song. I'm reading and learning from my reads, even if slowly, doing some yoga a few days a week, and walking to and from work. I was doing the WHM daily until I catched a really bad cold, I expect to get back to it soon. I sometimes think of starting something new: a daily journal, retaking a hobby, coming back to NF, etc. But then I do nothing, because there is so much to do at home and at work that I'm usually overwhelmed by the volume of tasks ahead, and the last thing I need is to have to take care of yet another thing. I think my brain keeps suggesting this because it wants some novelty, something shiny. But I realise anything would be on hold right after I had started it, because lack of time and energy to spend on anything. I'm foolishly delaying to contact my old therapist for online sessions. I know she will help me put some order in my head, and also to lighten a bit my heart from all the feelings that are clinging there. But I resist to call. My substitute at work was a piece of shit and not only he did not work at all with the students, but he spent big time making negative and even insulting comments about their playing. As a result I have one student that quit, other two that are completely lost and wanting to quit, and the rest has at the very least lost a whole year of progress and all their practice habits. Aside from that, work is nice as always. It's good to have some adult company too. And obviously everybody missed me, since this guy was the worst to work with too, apparently (unpunctual, forgetful, lazy...). Life with Wolvie is awesome. She's a big toddler now (in the full sense of the term: she's 15 months old but the size of most 2 years old; she has certainly not inherited that from me) and she makes friends so easily I'm seriously thinking of taking notes and learn from her. I know she's got things easier, with that flamy wild hair that everybody loves, but still, she is good with people. So life is nice and calm, although a bit stormy inside my mind. Brain is fried and hyperactive at the same time most of the days, which is a very weird state of mind. I guess lack of sleep is still the culprit (yes, it's still THAT bad).
  4. I'm trying too but I don't seem to find the time. I'm back to work now and things are messy, in every sense of the term.
  5. I'm really sorry for your loss. I didn't know your mom had passed away. It is not easy to suddenly find yourself without those that where your closer ones, and grieving processes are tough. I think though that you're doing nicely, adressing some issues to solve and keeping yourself busy but not too much that you lose sight of what you really need. Hugs
  6. I'm really looking forward to working with her again. She helped a lot in the past and as I said, she already gave me useful advice. She'll be even stronger!! 😍 I can't believe you found an eight-legged unicorn drawing in the Internet 😂 But that proves THEY ARE AMONG US.
  7. I'm really sorry about the house. I hope they will stop the mess.
  8. I'm going to try to catch up on all of you, but I don't know how long it will take. I'll do my best.
  9. Hi guys, I've been away a while again. Life is still hard, but I'm feeling more positive. The pandemic itself doesn't seem to have had a big toll on me. After all, I've been sheltered at home, instead of going to work, I've only met trusted people outdoors, and now I have my vaccines, and the kid has developed her own protection through breast milk. But, anyway, I've began to take more and more time away from internet, news, and specially user comments, and have focused more on reading actual books (when I find a little time) or writing. Thank you very much. Kind words are really appreciated, specially after I had another encounter with in-laws that didn't go well. Holidays were nice, Wolvie got into a brook for the first time and she enjoyed it. We didn't hike much (I saw TWO eight-legged unicorns, Endor!!), but the place itself was interesting enough, specially for her. She came back home with her legs and feet (we've both been barefoot most of the time) full of scratches and bruises, so we could say she had fun. After a week home, we saw the heat wave coming, and decided to go up north to my old apartment. It was a long trip but we did plenty of long stops, so Wolvie took it well. At the apartment we've been busy repairing things, but it has been a nice stay so far, with good weather and plenty of time outside in the beach and the woods. We also made a couple of short trips to Portugal as we always do when we are here, because it's such a nice country. Brother-in-law and wife visited us for a few days and it wasn't nice, as I've already mentioned. Then, I've long been thinking I'm not getting out of this pit on my own, but I've been repelled by the therapists I've visited where I live, so I had the idea that I could call my old therapist here. We hadn't seen each other for the past ten years but she remembered me, and was happy to hear about me. She found a couple of hours for me, and that was real help. She knows me well, so she could easily see the roots of my problems and offered solutions and other ways to look at my situation that are already working. Since covid pandemic started she also offers online sessions, so there are chances we will continue working together when I'm back home. Something I see more and more as a priority is the need to get my nutrition back in place. My sleep-deprived body asks for plenty of carbs but that is no excuse to eat whatever my hands pick from the pastries aisle. The thing is I don't know where to start. I can't cut down on sweets if I don't have healthy replacements that are as easy to find and consume, because I have zero willpower right now. Any ideas are welcome. To read only if you're interested in gender studies 😜
  10. Thanks everybody for your words. I've been feeling lonely lately, like if I were alone in the world. Your words help a lot. I didn't expect it to be so marked. I mean, I find it normal that people want to know about the child and ask me questions, but not that I'm "forgotten" when it comes about other subjects. Also, nobody seems to care anymore about me. I haven't heard a "how are you doing" in months. Like I said, it's like I'm just a coat rack the kid is hanging from. I've read your message several times. Thank you for taking the time to write it. It really helps. You're right that I'm being harsh on myself, but I think I stopped being rational about many things a long ago. And yes, I didn't expect it to be so difficult. I have friends that have a kid that sleeps poorly too, but when they complain about a bad night (he's been waking up every three hours) I can't pity them because I'd wish I'd could have nights like that. Then I recently met a woman at the park that is in the very same situation that me, but her kid is 18 months old and she said she can't cope anymore and has asked the doctor to prescribe a sedative for the kid. MIL says we should do the same, but I find that option unhealthy, to say the very least (dangerous would be a more appropriate word probably). I think the situation between Mr. Lara and me is not as bad as it could be, but I tend to be annoyed very easily now and have no patience for actual conversation. I mostly want to be left alone and not have to discuss anything. Obviously that can't be, so I end up angry and frustrated. The same way that I had never known this level of tiredness, I had never experienced so much rage and frustration. I'm using a meditation for anger, and the feeling is so intense, sometimes I can't even breath properly. Thanks! 💕 We don't have a babysitter, but I usually get some me-time/sleep time in the morning, while boyfriend takes care of her and she takes her morning nap. Only that if I choose to sleep, it contributes to my bad mood because I find it depressing to sleep by day. I'm weird like that. We're going on a short trip, a couple hours from home, to see how Wolvie takes it when we go on a longer ride (until now she's only managed to be in the car for about 45-60 minutes). We'll stay in a small house in the middle of a forest (probably not even phone signal there) and I hope it will help me to feel better. Hugs to everybody and thank you again. It's been nice to feel supported after these weeks feeling lonely. I hope life is treating you all well.
  11. Thanks for the support guys. I feel like I'm drowning while nobody cares about it. Sometimes I think really bad about myself. There are couples out there that have children with health problems, or have serious health problems themselves, or any other kind of troubles, and deal with really tough situations. I say to myself I should not complain. My kid is just perfect. She's healthy, eats well, is always happy and never got sick so far, everybody is surprised at how sociable and loving she is, and so on. The only thing I have to deal with is lack of sleep. And yet I spend my time thinking about how hard this is. I feel excluded from grown-up conversations (my in-laws don't even say hello or goodbye to me anymore, is like I'm only a thing holding the kid), because people will only talk about the girl to me, and go to other people in the room to chat about other things. What maybe is not that bad, since I have lost the ability to think, put order into my thoughts or reason about any given problem. I have serious short-term memory troubles. I can't remember what I have done barely half an hour before. Sometimes I review my day and it's almost blank.
  12. Circumstances led to no WH for a week and I ended in the pit again. Then bf has began to complain: he can't do half of the night with Wolvie everyday because it's tiring and needs to sleep more. Oh, really? So I'm back to sleeping by day and no me-time for half of the week. I'm grumpy and tired. She's back to her 45 minutes pattern. In fact, tonight she woke up every half hour from 11 pm to 4 am. And from what I've seen this is going to last for at least another year. Some days I'm optimistic, and see the silver lining of my new life. She's cute, and fun, and clever, and I like to wander with her with no purpose other than to inspect every little stone, insect, and leave in our way. She loves meeting new people, and this happens all the time because everybody wants to look at her hair and she immediately takes the occasion to start "talking" and begin a relationship, specially if there is a dog in the group. She has learnt to give hugs and kisses, and she gives them all the time and it is lovely to see her smile at you and stroke your cheek. Other days, like today, I can only think about all the things I miss in my life, how I've lost all my balance, how my achievements are gone: anxiety is back into my life, I eat crap all the time, I live a sedentary life... I don't even want to think of my music practice. I don't know what I'll do when concert dates approach... Also, bf and I have always had a very good relationship, we could sit and talk about our differences and look for a positive way to improve things, and now we seem to be mad at each other the whole time for things that have no real significance. Everything is upside down. Some days, like today, I think I can't keep going. But I must. Which only adds more frustration.
  13. Yeah, it decreased over the weekend and led to a bad Sunday, but I'm feeling better again today. I've seen you're battling with your own struggle. Courage! Not annoying at all. It's always nice to learn. In this case, what happened is that I wasn't thinking in english when I wrote that. But chicken out is quite a common expression, isn't it? A week later, WH has happened everyday, and I've done each day either some more yoga or a long walk, with a bit of running. Also, six days of effortless mastery. Didn't need to rely on willpower, more the opposite, everyday I was eager for those little me-moments.
  14. I think the wolverine is going to remain asleep by now... I have a huge work ahead if I want to get my claws back (I chickened out of a slope today, one I used to descend without any trouble). But I'm on my way. My ankles were yelling at me this morning when I got up, so I only run for a few minutes today just to get some blood flow, and instead did my way back walking barefoot. Three days in a row where I've been rested, in a good mood, and active. A bit scared it won't last.
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