Lara

Basic level yoga. Journaling. Effortless mastery. Aiming to do these activities everyday, but 4 days a week would be more realistic and will be enough to be content. Mini-actions: I have 5 small, short actions to improve wellbeing that I aim to do everyday. They're all about taking care of myself. The most important thing is not the action itself, but being in the moment. What will happen when I derail, feel tired or lazy, or have a bad night? I will Rest. I will Breath. I will be Kind to myself. I will seek Company. may I be kind to myself may I be patient with myself may I forgive myself may I respect myself may I love and accept myself as I am

She has forgotten the past, and future is unclear. The landscape in front of her is just a blur to her eyes while she wanders with no clear direction, lost in an unkown territory. Dawn arrives, and the piercing shriek of a lonely swift crosses the winter sky. The promise of a spring.

CHAPTER 17 I had a really bad night on new year's eve, but it turned out to be what I needed. I examined my thoughts. They were all awful. But I realised they don't represent the person I truly am. I've fallen into the trap of believing my thoughts and taking them for reality. I'm not who my head says. I don't know anymore who I am, that is true, but I know I'm not that. And with that realisation came some positive energy, and some ideas began to clear up. First and foremost, I have to stop clinging to my old self. My life has changed, I have changed, and I need to let go of who I was if I want to discover who can I become. I have to create space to develop myself, instead of looking back to what I have lost. Second, maybe for the first time in my life, I might rely on appearance as a motivation to exercise. As I have mentioned, I have lost a lot of weight, and I dislike how I look. Building muscle would change that, so there's my motivation. Third, as I also mentioned, I still see handstands as THE skill. Handstands still motivate me. They'll be my heading point. I'll trace the walk I need to walk to arrive to them, and follow it. Fourth, I need an overall plan, not just for exercise, but also for how am I going to take care of my mind, and get my life to start moving. A plan with babysteps, and that takes in account the ups and downs along the way to my new identity. Fifth, I need help. I'm starting therapy as soon as possible, and I've booked an appointment with a physiotherapist that I hope will help with the headaches I've been experiencing. I'm also going to take part in the upcoming challenge, to surround myself with people that understand what I'm going through and will encourage me.

Thank you, Tank 🥰 That is interesting indeed! I've had bad nights in my life, like everybody, but I had no idea lack of sleep would mess my life the way it did. Fortunately, things are better now. Wolvie usually sleeps 2 +2 hours for the first part of the night, and when she starts to wake up more frequently, my boyfriend stays with her while I go to another room and sleep a few hours on my own. We can do that now that she doesn't need to nurse so much, and I think that my brain will get back onto a normal state, even if it takes some time. There are no actual concerts soon, and I'm glad, since a year and a half without practice has left me in a poor performance state, and because I don't have a regular daily practice like before, it might take a long time until I feel safe to play in public. Some days I don't have a good sound, others the fingers won't move well, the third octave is just not there... Still, my students have a concert in january and I have to play with some of them. Not the real thing, but to be honest I'm worried about it.

Thanks @Tanktimus the Encourager and @Endor for the nice messages you took the time to write. Knowing there is someone out there helped to land my mind into something tangible and real. I was in a really bad place when I read them. I had a fight with boyfriend and was feeling pretty bad about it. I feel that I do anything right. That I'm just a burden to him. That I'm a mess. It's almost 5 am in the morning and I haven't slept, because I feel so sad and anxious. But reading your messages calmed me down. I'll try to write a proper answer in the morning. Right now I need to try and sleep even if it's for a couple of hours.

Warning: ramblings are coming. I've written and erased this post several times. I sometimes think of posting more frequently. One side of me knows this is a good place for me. People here have helped me to push myself out of my shell and do things I thought I'd never try. Another side thinks I don't have the time to sit and write and read and answer, and to go through the process of putting into words all the shit in my head, so it tells me "why would you start today anyway". Thus, I keep going back and forth about sending the post or telling to myself this is a waste of time. Yesterday we got the news that one of my boyfriend's uncles broke his hip and needed a replacement. It's a rather young man, 54 years old. It made me think on how important it is to keep your body in shape, to lift strong to have strong bones, to take care of yourself. Only that I would not like to push myself into exercise because of fear. Doesn't seem the right reason. But when I think of other reasons, I can't find them. I mean, my past reasons: having fun, trying new things, exploring the wild, ((building an adamantium skeleton))... they don't look "real" anymore, it's like those goals are not my goals anymore. I know getting back on track would take an effort, and I don't find reasons to do that effort willingly. The only thing that fires a small candle in the back of my mind is... handstands. I still want to do them. But I'm not willing to walk the walk, apparently. I have this idea of teaching my kid to do them when she's old enough, but everything feels like a fantasy in my head, not a real goal, or a real wish. I saw, yesterday, that a music school near home has closed and there is an aerial acrobatics space now. Less than 10 minutes by foot from home. The moment I saw it, all the negative thoughts assaulted my mind, "you could not even hold the grip", "that's for young people, didn't you see they were all teens there?", "they would laugh at you if they'd see you try". When I first came to nerdfitness I was in a really, really bad shape. It was worse than now. I hadn't done any real exercise for almost 20 years. But I was full of purpose. I didn't mind to start small (I started at the 1 mile a day), and people here were awesome. I took advantage of momentum, thrill and dreams, and all the support I received. Now I feel empty. I can't find any sparkle to start the fire. I still don't know who I am. I don't recognise myself many times. My reactions to events, my level of enthusiasm or interest, my hobbies... It's like nothing matters anymore. I have one good news, though. I found a therapist. We talked on the phone and she sounded nice. She is fully booked for january, but says will call me in 10-15 days to find some space for me, or maybe before if someone cancels. It happens usually now because of quarantines, so there's hope I could start therapy in a couple of weeks. Adding fat and protein is working. I feel more full after meals, less inclined to eat whatever I see. I have barely eaten anything on the dark side for a few days. Let's click on submit, finally!

I once read, I don't remember where, that your goals should never be something a dead person could do better than you, hehehe. Let's hope the new year brings hours and hours of cozy happy sleep!

Hi, guys, away again. Not my fault this time. My access to the forums was blocked for some reasons. I couldn't log in, or even see anything but the main page, for weeks. I kept having this "checking your browser" message and that was all. It happened in all my devices, all browsers, and it was the only website giving me problems. Seems to be ok today, I don't really now why. So I'll write a bit, although there is not much to update. Pandemic must have hit hard plenty of people, because all the therapists I can afford are fully booked at least until march. I've tried to work on my own. I meditate, and write, and breath... And it helps, for a while. I have better days, but many of them I just don't want to do anything. I've been doing some yoga, 4-5 days a week, but lately it's been harder to keep the pace. The vids I'm working with are engaging and seem to be the right level, but there will be days when I don't see the point, or when I won't be able to hold a plank for even 5 seconds and feel frustrated. I still don't get out of the house except for things I must do, like work, and keep finding excuses to stay at home (it's windy, I'm sure it's very cold, it'll be dark soon, I'll want to come back after 5 minutes, I'm tired, chores are waiting...). I know my excuses are stupid, but I believe them and do nothing about it. To try to feel better, I've decided to approach things from other place: nutrition. I'm not going to try to "fix" anything, no matter how worried I am about my health, because trying to control what I eat doesn't feel a good choice. So I'm going to try to add nutritious food to my diet and hope that as my body feels better nourished, it will stop asking for crap and will also feel more energized to move and do things. I'm starting with just a few easy, gentle things: a spoon of cocoa butter in my morning drink, a cup of great lakes collagen in my evening drink, and a vitamin D supplement. On a positive note, I'm working through the effortless mastery book, and feeling way more connected with my music practice and my playing. I've also read a few books, and have started to hear podcasts on my way to work and back. I'm also having 6 hours of sleep most of nights, even if those hours are not yet in a row, so I expect that my mood will start to rise. And on a surprising turn of events, FIL has changed his behaviour with Wolvie. It arrived to a point when he was completely out of line, even for him. Calling her things "you're disgusting, do you hear me?", or "all readheads are whores, haha"... You know, those kind of things that he thinks are jokes (remember that this is the man that finds that throwing cow shit to a friend's girlfriend is a sign of affection. Well, I don't remember if I told you about that story, but there you have it). But at one point, everybody, not just me or my boyfriend, began to argue with him about his behaviour. First her wife, then his other son, then his friends. I remember one day when he was saying he was "the evil grandpa" so he had to behave accordingly, and one of his friends told him, "you're not the evil grandpa, you're the asshole grandpa, idiot". It was epic. Then he slowly realised that the kid is really nice and fun with absolutely everybody she meets, except for him. And that hurt him really hard. So since a couple of weeks ago, the guy is really trying. I mean REALLY trying. He has stopped trying to scare her, he doesn't yell at her, he's began to show her how to do things (the other day they were making a fire together. Not the safest idea, but he seemed to be taking care of everything). He still has some moments when he will need attention or behave like an idiot, but it's less usual. Of course he got his rewards, since the kid now allows him to approach her, and the other day she allowed him to carry her and hold her close to the window to see the fireworks. But she's clever. The moment he behaves like an idiot, she runs to me and gives him her grumpy face. And I think that's all for now. I hope I'll soon be writing a more positive update. Have a nice day!

I'm glad that you both agree with me. She helped me a lot this summer, and I don't know why would she be so reluctant now to talk about what I need to talk. She said I have ressources enough to cope with what I'm going through, and it's obviously not true. More than a post natal depression, I'd rather point to a whole year withour proper sleep, nor rest, or actual life. I don't have many of the symptoms of post natal depression. But anyway, at this point, I don't care about its origin anymore. I just want a therapist that will help. I contacted a couple more, they come with extremely good references, but actually I can't afford them. I'll have to keep looking, and in the meantime try to get my therapist understand that my inner child can wait. The thing is I get a lot of mental and emotional wellbeing through exercising, movement, training... It really helps. I know it would give me the first push to start taking care of myself in a more proper way, but I don't find the momentum needed. Worst, when I do exercise a bit (boyfriend cornered me to do some yoga this week), I feel bored and keep thinking "why am I even doing this"? There are days when I'm well rested and I have time, and yet I don't want to do anything. In fact, here I am now, faking I'm superbusy answering you and making a couple of internet orders trying to prove myself I don't have the time. Thanks!

Things are… not well. I’m struggling with life. It’s not anymore about a loss of identity. Or not just that. It is about not wanting to do anything. I only get out of the house to go to work or to take the kid to the park. I don’t even take her to the country anymore. And since it got colder a couple of days ago, I didn’t even go to the park. I don’t eat much, I don’t enjoy food and always eat on a hurry. I’ve lost more weight and I feel cold all the time, and sometimes I cry for no reason. Life got worst after Wolvie passed me a bug that hit me hard and I ended in the ER because I had been vomiting for hours and couldn't stop. It has been all downhill since then. Something seems to be wrong with my immune system, too. Apparently one of those fungi that we share our skin with has gotten out of control and I’m going through a mycotic infection. I’m not doing any exercise, because the task of getting back to my prior fitness level seems unsurmountable. So I just do nothing about it. I only keep thinking what’s the point on trying, if anyway in 6 months I’ll be in the exact same place I am now, since it is imposible to build a routine or reap any progress. It doesn't feel like it would be fun anymore, making it difficult to convince myself to do something. I called my old therapist and did a couple of sessions, looking for help, but it's not working. She doesn’t want to talk about what are clear signs of depression, or about loss of identity, or about anything I’m experiencing. She only wants to talk about healing my inner child. She says I feel like this because becoming a mother has stirred emotions and lack of affection from my childhood, and that I have to work on that if I want the other things to get better. I sincerely disagree, I need to put some order in my brain and in my life, and maybe then, work on whatever inner child she wants to fix, but she dismisses my suggestions saying I just need to be more gentle with myself, and then everything will be fine.

catched and teached sound good to me

I've really lost all hope... I've accepted this is how it's going to be for at least another year and a half *sigh* I try to focus on the other aspects of our lives, which are awesome Worst about students seems to be to help them understand they have to get back into work. They have been slacking a whole year, and now it's hard for them to start over. I have good and bad days. Sometimes I get into a nice routine, when I do yoga, walk, read, and do WH about 3-4 days a week and I feel great. Then routine breaks, because reasons, and I feel awful. I start having thoughts (more fantasies than real thoughts) about getting back into self-defence (I don't even know if the gym still holds after all the covid stuff, or if I'd really like to get back into fighting again - maybe I just want to feel cool but I'm not serious about it anymore) or handstands, or feeling active and smart and all... Those are the worst days, because it seems I can only focus on what I have lost, and I feel depressed and think I'll never get back to being fit or to having actual me-time (sometimes I do have time, but zero energy because I just want to sleep). We can't rely on daily care, because here it opens only from 7am to 5-6 pm. And we work from 3-4pm to 9-10 pm. So we chose to reduce our hours and our salaries, and instead of investing money on a superexpensive day care that would cover our hours (there is only one place like that in our city), we don't earn so much but instead have time for Wolvie. I work on mondays, wednesdays and fridays, and boyfriend works tuesdays, thursdays and saturdays. This is for this year, I don't know how we will solve next one. I can't rely either on in-laws, not only because of how they behave (I must admit FIL is behaving WAY better, it's a relief), but also because of their total lack of commitment. As an example, a couple of weeks ago, Wolvie and boyfriend got sick and I had to go to work. There was no way that my boyfriend could take care of the kid in his state so I called my MIL and asked her to come home and help him while I was at work (she's retired now so it shouldn't be much trouble).

Well, it's been a while. Again. Life is busy. And I'm also finding difficult to focus. There are many things I want to "DO", but I'm trying not to let my brain start on the self-demanding song. I'm reading and learning from my reads, even if slowly, doing some yoga a few days a week, and walking to and from work. I was doing the WHM daily until I catched a really bad cold, I expect to get back to it soon. I sometimes think of starting something new: a daily journal, retaking a hobby, coming back to NF, etc. But then I do nothing, because there is so much to do at home and at work that I'm usually overwhelmed by the volume of tasks ahead, and the last thing I need is to have to take care of yet another thing. I think my brain keeps suggesting this because it wants some novelty, something shiny. But I realise anything would be on hold right after I had started it, because lack of time and energy to spend on anything. I'm foolishly delaying to contact my old therapist for online sessions. I know she will help me put some order in my head, and also to lighten a bit my heart from all the feelings that are clinging there. But I resist to call. My substitute at work was a piece of shit and not only he did not work at all with the students, but he spent big time making negative and even insulting comments about their playing. As a result I have one student that quit, other two that are completely lost and wanting to quit, and the rest has at the very least lost a whole year of progress and all their practice habits. Aside from that, work is nice as always. It's good to have some adult company too. And obviously everybody missed me, since this guy was the worst to work with too, apparently (unpunctual, forgetful, lazy...). Life with Wolvie is awesome. She's a big toddler now (in the full sense of the term: she's 15 months old but the size of most 2 years old; she has certainly not inherited that from me) and she makes friends so easily I'm seriously thinking of taking notes and learn from her. I know she's got things easier, with that flamy wild hair that everybody loves, but still, she is good with people. So life is nice and calm, although a bit stormy inside my mind. Brain is fried and hyperactive at the same time most of the days, which is a very weird state of mind. I guess lack of sleep is still the culprit (yes, it's still THAT bad).

I'm trying too but I don't seem to find the time. I'm back to work now and things are messy, in every sense of the term.

Hi! How are you doing?

I'm really sorry for your loss. I didn't know your mom had passed away. It is not easy to suddenly find yourself without those that where your closer ones, and grieving processes are tough. I think though that you're doing nicely, adressing some issues to solve and keeping yourself busy but not too much that you lose sight of what you really need. Hugs

I'm really looking forward to working with her again. She helped a lot in the past and as I said, she already gave me useful advice. She'll be even stronger!! 😍 I can't believe you found an eight-legged unicorn drawing in the Internet 😂 But that proves THEY ARE AMONG US.

I'm really sorry about the house. I hope they will stop the mess.

I'm going to try to catch up on all of you, but I don't know how long it will take. I'll do my best.

Hi guys, I've been away a while again. Life is still hard, but I'm feeling more positive. The pandemic itself doesn't seem to have had a big toll on me. After all, I've been sheltered at home, instead of going to work, I've only met trusted people outdoors, and now I have my vaccines, and the kid has developed her own protection through breast milk. But, anyway, I've began to take more and more time away from internet, news, and specially user comments, and have focused more on reading actual books (when I find a little time) or writing. Thank you very much. Kind words are really appreciated, specially after I had another encounter with in-laws that didn't go well. Holidays were nice, Wolvie got into a brook for the first time and she enjoyed it. We didn't hike much (I saw TWO eight-legged unicorns, Endor!!), but the place itself was interesting enough, specially for her. She came back home with her legs and feet (we've both been barefoot most of the time) full of scratches and bruises, so we could say she had fun. After a week home, we saw the heat wave coming, and decided to go up north to my old apartment. It was a long trip but we did plenty of long stops, so Wolvie took it well. At the apartment we've been busy repairing things, but it has been a nice stay so far, with good weather and plenty of time outside in the beach and the woods. We also made a couple of short trips to Portugal as we always do when we are here, because it's such a nice country. Brother-in-law and wife visited us for a few days and it wasn't nice, as I've already mentioned. Then, I've long been thinking I'm not getting out of this pit on my own, but I've been repelled by the therapists I've visited where I live, so I had the idea that I could call my old therapist here. We hadn't seen each other for the past ten years but she remembered me, and was happy to hear about me. She found a couple of hours for me, and that was real help. She knows me well, so she could easily see the roots of my problems and offered solutions and other ways to look at my situation that are already working. Since covid pandemic started she also offers online sessions, so there are chances we will continue working together when I'm back home. Something I see more and more as a priority is the need to get my nutrition back in place. My sleep-deprived body asks for plenty of carbs but that is no excuse to eat whatever my hands pick from the pastries aisle. The thing is I don't know where to start. I can't cut down on sweets if I don't have healthy replacements that are as easy to find and consume, because I have zero willpower right now. Any ideas are welcome. To read only if you're interested in gender studies 😜

Thanks everybody for your words. I've been feeling lonely lately, like if I were alone in the world. Your words help a lot. I didn't expect it to be so marked. I mean, I find it normal that people want to know about the child and ask me questions, but not that I'm "forgotten" when it comes about other subjects. Also, nobody seems to care anymore about me. I haven't heard a "how are you doing" in months. Like I said, it's like I'm just a coat rack the kid is hanging from. I've read your message several times. Thank you for taking the time to write it. It really helps. You're right that I'm being harsh on myself, but I think I stopped being rational about many things a long ago. And yes, I didn't expect it to be so difficult. I have friends that have a kid that sleeps poorly too, but when they complain about a bad night (he's been waking up every three hours) I can't pity them because I'd wish I'd could have nights like that. Then I recently met a woman at the park that is in the very same situation that me, but her kid is 18 months old and she said she can't cope anymore and has asked the doctor to prescribe a sedative for the kid. MIL says we should do the same, but I find that option unhealthy, to say the very least (dangerous would be a more appropriate word probably). I think the situation between Mr. Lara and me is not as bad as it could be, but I tend to be annoyed very easily now and have no patience for actual conversation. I mostly want to be left alone and not have to discuss anything. Obviously that can't be, so I end up angry and frustrated. The same way that I had never known this level of tiredness, I had never experienced so much rage and frustration. I'm using a meditation for anger, and the feeling is so intense, sometimes I can't even breath properly. Thanks! 💕 We don't have a babysitter, but I usually get some me-time/sleep time in the morning, while boyfriend takes care of her and she takes her morning nap. Only that if I choose to sleep, it contributes to my bad mood because I find it depressing to sleep by day. I'm weird like that. We're going on a short trip, a couple hours from home, to see how Wolvie takes it when we go on a longer ride (until now she's only managed to be in the car for about 45-60 minutes). We'll stay in a small house in the middle of a forest (probably not even phone signal there) and I hope it will help me to feel better. Hugs to everybody and thank you again. It's been nice to feel supported after these weeks feeling lonely. I hope life is treating you all well.

Thanks for the support guys. I feel like I'm drowning while nobody cares about it. Sometimes I think really bad about myself. There are couples out there that have children with health problems, or have serious health problems themselves, or any other kind of troubles, and deal with really tough situations. I say to myself I should not complain. My kid is just perfect. She's healthy, eats well, is always happy and never got sick so far, everybody is surprised at how sociable and loving she is, and so on. The only thing I have to deal with is lack of sleep. And yet I spend my time thinking about how hard this is. I feel excluded from grown-up conversations (my in-laws don't even say hello or goodbye to me anymore, is like I'm only a thing holding the kid), because people will only talk about the girl to me, and go to other people in the room to chat about other things. What maybe is not that bad, since I have lost the ability to think, put order into my thoughts or reason about any given problem. I have serious short-term memory troubles. I can't remember what I have done barely half an hour before. Sometimes I review my day and it's almost blank.

Circumstances led to no WH for a week and I ended in the pit again. Then bf has began to complain: he can't do half of the night with Wolvie everyday because it's tiring and needs to sleep more. Oh, really? So I'm back to sleeping by day and no me-time for half of the week. I'm grumpy and tired. She's back to her 45 minutes pattern. In fact, tonight she woke up every half hour from 11 pm to 4 am. And from what I've seen this is going to last for at least another year. Some days I'm optimistic, and see the silver lining of my new life. She's cute, and fun, and clever, and I like to wander with her with no purpose other than to inspect every little stone, insect, and leave in our way. She loves meeting new people, and this happens all the time because everybody wants to look at her hair and she immediately takes the occasion to start "talking" and begin a relationship, specially if there is a dog in the group. She has learnt to give hugs and kisses, and she gives them all the time and it is lovely to see her smile at you and stroke your cheek. Other days, like today, I can only think about all the things I miss in my life, how I've lost all my balance, how my achievements are gone: anxiety is back into my life, I eat crap all the time, I live a sedentary life... I don't even want to think of my music practice. I don't know what I'll do when concert dates approach... Also, bf and I have always had a very good relationship, we could sit and talk about our differences and look for a positive way to improve things, and now we seem to be mad at each other the whole time for things that have no real significance. Everything is upside down. Some days, like today, I think I can't keep going. But I must. Which only adds more frustration.

Yeah, it decreased over the weekend and led to a bad Sunday, but I'm feeling better again today. I've seen you're battling with your own struggle. Courage! Not annoying at all. It's always nice to learn. In this case, what happened is that I wasn't thinking in english when I wrote that. But chicken out is quite a common expression, isn't it? A week later, WH has happened everyday, and I've done each day either some more yoga or a long walk, with a bit of running. Also, six days of effortless mastery. Didn't need to rely on willpower, more the opposite, everyday I was eager for those little me-moments.

I think the wolverine is going to remain asleep by now... I have a huge work ahead if I want to get my claws back (I chickened out of a slope today, one I used to descend without any trouble). But I'm on my way. My ankles were yelling at me this morning when I got up, so I only run for a few minutes today just to get some blood flow, and instead did my way back walking barefoot. Three days in a row where I've been rested, in a good mood, and active. A bit scared it won't last.