Lara

Hi, sweetie! I'm really sad to hear the news. I'm deeply sorry. It's not easy to end a long time relationship. I know you're strong and wise and that you'll grow out of this, but it's tough. Sending you hugs!

I disappeared again. End of the scholar year, huge workload, and had problems with a painful tooth infection... Also, Wolvie made a huge change, has began to fight limits and all, healthy and necessary step, but sometimes wearing. Therapy has been interesting and useful. We've gone deep down some of my beliefs. We went almost step by step through my music career, and it was a wonder to see how I have built a narrative that is the opposite to what actually happened. How I've altered memories, how I have made myself responsible -or guilty- for other's peoples behaviours and mistakes, how I kept telling myself I couldn't while at the same time I was doing the things I was telling myself I couldn't... The result has been me suddenly retaking my practice, in a totally different mental and emotional state. I'm still being harsh on myself for not eating healthy and responsibly, and I'm not doing much regarding movement. There is a lot blocking my path here. I feel better than the past months. I have a lot of ups and downs, but I can get back to what would be a "normal" state more easily. I have some nice, relaxing and positive sensations and feelings at random moments, which seem to confirm I'm on the right path. I feel like I can relax and enjoy life. Or at least some times

I'm still here. Went on a short trip hometown so my parents could see Wolvie for a few days, and coming back I had to catch up with work. I'm doing well, good moments, bad moments. I get stressed easily, but my routines are still working, I'm sketching and playing my flute. I don't have actual time to practice but I use it at work as much as I can. It took me a whole week to realise I'm having a really good sound and I'm playing beautifully despite the lack of practice and no physical strength whatsoever, so I'm wondering if maybe deep down my beliefs on the need of effort are changing.

Well, this went off-track quickly 😅 I have more or less been doing the same: eating crap, stretching, and making plans for music practice. I got an awful day on tuesday. On wednesday, therapy session was tough and it left me emotional and tired for the rest of the day. Yesterday was better but too much work. I haven't had time to draw this week and I'm missing it.

Monday, april 24 I ate so much crap today, I'll be surprised if I can even breath tomorrow morning I was so happy that I had left that phase... ACTION TIME RESISTANCE FEELINGS NECK&SHOULDERS Didn’t happen today, again. But I’m not feeling bad about it. I’ve been consistent, and I know I will keep the routine. PUSH-UPS A few seconds None. I was all fired up after the shower (see WH) Did 7 knee push-ups. Felt strong and high. YOGA SKETCH 20? minutes. I don’t know. I enter this flow state where time flies, and it’s always hard to say how long I’ve been drawing. Most days is a guess. None. I tried crows today. I am ridiculously bad at it. WALKING OUTSIDE MUSIC Didn’t happen today, but I have plans. Head is boiling with ideas. MEDITATION BAR HANG WH 30” cold shower Some, but why not? I was alone at home (that’s rare), and was listening to some music while I showered, and this song I used to count the cold periods of my showers popped up, and I thought, could I…? I wasn’t sure, but in the end did it. It wasn’t very cold, but ouch.

me needs that Most of the things on that list, I already have them, the problem being that I don't enjoy them enough because I unconsciously think I don't deserve them. Writing grateful lists or thinking about being grateful, doesn't usually work for me, and I think it's probably because since I don't enjoy/deserve these things, I don't value them enough either. Brains.

Fingers crossed! I'm VERY surprised myself. (I had answered this message before, but apparently it got lost in the internet dark hole) Thank you, dear. And thanks for coming and reading my mess. I know you have your hands full.

When you began talking about Ghostlet and the university entrance exam I had this thought "oh, god, how did time go this fast???!!!". Fortunately I haven't missed that much, fiuuuu. I remember once when you explained how the education system works in China, and how decisive is to get to a good high school or even school to get assured you'll get into a university, and how hard everything is. It was mindblowing. Specially since we are in the opposite side here (what's happening with the education system here is nonsense and sad, I sometimes wonder how will I help Wolvie with it). Best of luck to Ghostlet! I'm sure he did his best. Tell us how it goes.

Oh, well, I won't go into many details... Let's just say I'm recovering, and that is good. Always.

Sunday, april 23 ACTION TIME RESISTANCE FEELINGS NECK&SHOULDERS 2 minutes Didn’t want to do even this I got distracted with something and stopped stretching. PUSH-UPS YOGA SKETCH 25 minutes The only thing I feel like doing today Great. I feel proud how a couple months ago I began sketching simple things like scissors and keys, and now I’ve grown to drawing animals. I don’t care about the results (which are not quite bad anyway) but about how I’m daring to draw things that I find difficult. WALKING OUTSIDE MUSIC 40 minutes + 15 minutes None???? I was even a bit eager to play. Something has unblocked since last therapist session, maybe. I played random things that came to mind, and I was surprised to find myself making music in every note, all of them had something to say. I felt also quite sure regarding technique. What the hell? Even more, this morning I was feeling down and didn’t want to do a thing, and it was playing the flute what cheered me up. MEDITATION BAR HANG WH If I were to practice daily again, what would I include? If I were to keep a practice journal again, what would I include? I made two lists of things. Didn't feel that bad. I made a list of what I think I deserve in life. It feels relaxing to go through the list and repeat it.

Yours was quite the horror story, to be honest, even if they were nice. They really did a good job. I don't think I know anyone who hasn't gone through it, except my parents, and they almost never leave their house.

Saturday, april 22 ACTION TIME RESISTANCE FEELINGS NECK&SHOULDERS 8 minutes None Relaxing PUSH-UPS A few seconds A little bit Why am I doing this? YOGA SKETCH 40 minutes None I bought a new sketchbook I thought could take light watercolors, but it can’t. Not even good enough for ink ☹ This makes my sketching a bit frustrating, because I put a lot of care on the drawing and the result is messy because of the paper. It was still fun, though WALKING OUTSIDE 10 minutes Quite a bit Didn’t enjoy. It was all about arriving home and eating the pastries I had bought. MUSIC 45 minutes Only a bit. And I was bored, so why not to play a bit. Breathing not deep enough. Frustrating and tiring. Thoughts and feelings of despair (I never played well, I never made it, I never had talent). I cried. However, I do think I play more freely than I did when I first began studying with BigGuy. His lessons and my readings and journaling on Kenny Werner’s books have changed me. These thoughts made me feel less gloomy than usual. I even had the thought of starting a regular practice (which I have not done for the past 3 years). It doesn't mean I'm going to do it, but having the thought is enough by now. Not sure about keeping the table format. I'm not sure is practical nor I like it very much.

Friday, april 21 Apparently, I'm back to eating crap I've spent a couple of months eating only healthy, nourrishing food, no effort done. And suddenly, ouch. Also my rhinitis has gone wild. ACTION TIME RESISTANCE FEELINGS NECK&SHOULDERS 10 minutes None Feels nice. Makes me think I’m actively doing something to take care of my body. PUSH-UPS A few seconds A little bit. While I was doing my stretching I was thinking “I won’t do them today”. I put a bit of extra effort and did 7 this time. Didn’t feel actually proud, and kept wondering whether I am pushing myself too much on to doing things. YOGA SKETCH 20 minutes None I love it. WALKING OUTSIDE MUSIC 30 minutes Only a bit My breathing was too high to get a deep sound and I couldn't change it, and I didn't like it. It was less of a fight than other times, could at least try to relax. Brain is overly critical. Ended up tired, but not as frustrated as other days. MEDITATION BAR HANG WH

The “no way I can do this” was even stronger this morning. I began to cry in the kitchen while thinking I could just not prepare our breakfast. I decided to do just one little thing: put some olives in a plate. Then I could clean a few strawberries. From there it was easier to make a mackerel omelette and chop some hazelnuts to go with it that Wolvie had asked for. I decided I would not clean the kitchen afterwards. I don’t know when I’ll do it, but not right after breakfast (as I usually do). Now I’ve been writing a bit, these past days I’ve been trying to sum up what we’ve been working on during therapy sessions these past couple of months, to have a clearer picture. Apparently: - I am not enough - I don’t deserve --------- (fill in the gap with whatever, because apparently I don’t deserve almost anything in life) - I must please everybody around These beliefs come from endless criticism during my childhood and teen years said by plenty of different people around me (yeah, my beginnings were quite shitty), and which I have never questioned. The consequences are fear, insecurity and confusion. The mechanism to go through life without living in a constant panic attack has been using control. But it is a trap, because you can never actually control almost anything. So it’s never enough, so hence the loop reinforcing the need for more control. Fear --> Need of control --> I can’t control things --> More fear --> More need of control Getting out of this loop would need of me to trust life, to be confident, to just let go. I don’t know how to do that yet. Regarding music practice, these beliefs play out in an interesting way: I (unconsciously) value effort over results and success in a wicked way --> Therapist said “if you succeeded and get what you want (playing nicely and relaxed, being confident of my playing, letting music flow, etc.), there would be no need for effort, hence, you can’t allow yourself to succeed, because then there would be no reason to keep pushing, and you can’t just let go of it”. She called this “a driving belief” (I don’t know whether this is the right expression in english), everything I do concerning music goes through this belief. It was an eye-opener. It explains a lot about my relationship with music practice. An example. When musicians don’t practice, they lose technique level, but when you’ve been practicing at your top for years and years, you might not lose that much. You will play and feel uncomfortable, but probably no one will notice because anyway you have a solid technique and knowledge of the repertoire. In my case, I’ve never understood why when I don’t practice, even for a little while, I have a huge drop, like I can’t play well even the easiest pieces. Therapist said “because if you’re not practicing, you’re not in control. You need control, daily practice, effort, otherwise, you just can’t play”. I have also discovered that under all my insecurities with the instrument itself there is one concise and heartbreaking thought: “you don’t know how to play the flute”. I have no clue about how to get out of all this shit. Now, a really interesting bit. There have been a few moments in my life, when things have went exactly the other way around. Deep down, I have some absolutely crashing faith in myself, an odd mechanism I apparently have no conscious control of and that shows up in what appear to be random moments. I’ll give some examples here (therapist recommended to make a list of those moments, and try to focus on recalling my feeligs back then, so I can use them in an exercise we will do next week): - When I was 12 years old, there was this mathematics olympics at school. I never was too good at maths, but oddly enough, I won the thing. Apparently because it was a challenge? I don’t know. - When I was 13 I got a 10 (grades here go from 0 to 10) in chemistry. I was utterly surprised. There would be a total of 5 chemistry exams and after seeing that 10, I had the immediate thought: I’ll get a 10 in each of them. And I just did (I didn’t make a study plan or put any effort on them, I just did it somehow). - I played at a concert to win a special prize at the end of my middle music studies (I don’t even know how to translate that) and I played really well. I was given the prize. I was told by several people that I had been the best one on that day. There were a couple of guys there, a pianist and a percussionist, that were very strong players, and yet I was better than them on that day, because of this mechanism I don’t know how to consciously use. - When I was doing an audition for this young orchestra, I played so wonderfully that I ended up getting the first position, even when there were 3 stronger players there. They also got positions in the orchestra, so I had the chance to play with them, and they were better than me by far. - When I attended the presentation for my public exams to be a flute teacher, I remember entering the room and someone saying to me “there are X candidates, and there are X vacancies”, and I had this thought “ok, then one vacancy is mine”. We hadn’t even began the exams, and it was certainly a difficult thing to go through, but I had this inner feeling things could not be otherwise. Therapist found this extremely interesting. We’re on our way to build a path to connect better to that part of myself. Because the part of myself that is usually present at challenge or decisive moments is the controlling-scared one…

Lovely little kid, hahaaa. She did cross a line. And brave of you to go and talk to her. Oh, well, HI! Following along again! (I hope for longer than last time, oups)

Has anyone heard about @Mad Hatter recently? Trying to catch up with her but doesn't seem to have been in the forums for a while.

Thursday, april 20 ACTION TIME RESISTANCE FEELINGS NECK&SHOULDERS 7 minutes None Nice. PUSH-UPS A few seconds None They are hard, but I feel ok about it. 5 knee push-ups. YOGA 10 minutes Strong I didn’t want to do it, but pushed myself thinking if I didn’t do some exercise I was “losing my time”. As soon as I began it was a big no, so I only did the streching parts and not the positions asking for strength or any effort. I think it was a good decision. I haven’t got that release feeling I get when I go through the whole video, though. SKETCH 10 minutes None. I’m always eager to sit and draw. Swifts arrived yesterday, and I today decided to do a few sketches of them with the brush pen. A challenge, but rewarding. It made me smile when I finished. I finished my sketchbook today. I'm happy I've been able to keep sketching as an everyday habit for about a month and a half. WALKING OUTSIDE MUSIC MEDITATION BAR HANG WH

Aj, bureaucracy is the worst. Hope you will have more luck next time.

Oh, hi! How is it going? Sorry about your back. I haven't followed so I don't know how things have developed. Haven't you found any relief? Are you still visiting doctors?

Yesterday was therapy day, meaning all my free/me-time gets invested in it. We talked about music and it was good. I have been refusing to talk about it, and the few occasions I was willing, my feeling was " why are we even talking about this, if I don't care about it anymore". Yesterday she helped me unravel some of my deep beliefs on this, and while it didn't feel relieving, when I took my flute to work in the afternoon, there was a nice feeling, which is quite a progress given the state I'm currently in regarding this. Woke up with the thought I wouldn't be able to go through the day, although it wasn't that bad in the end. Today woke up to worse feelings, and just wanted to crawl back in bed. I feel like I need a vacation (I just had 1 week recently, though), that I somehow need everything to stop so I can regain strength, but there seems to be no choice but to keep on going.

Hi, following again after some time away. It's nice to see you staying ahead of all your troubles, but in a calm and meditated way. Feels comforting to read your updates ♥️ I would totally go for an update of your profile pic. That photo was breathtaking! Good luck on your job hunting!

Hey, Tank. Sorry about the recent news about your job. I hope you'll find a new one soon, and in the meantime, hold up, night shifts are HARD. On the other hand, nice to see how Little Bit is growing up into a smart girl. It seems like you are enjoying a lot your parenting ♥️ Following along!

Tuesday, april 18 ACTION TIME RESISTANCE FEELINGS NECK&SHOULDERS Around 7-8 minutes. None. It's a habit now. A bit of worry because my right side still bothers me. PUSH-UPS A few seconds. None. I just do them when I finish stretching my neck. Good. I'm at 5 knee push-ups. I started at 2, had a peak of 8, then went down, but it doesn't bother me because the goal is doing them, not matter how many. YOGA SKETCH 15 minutes No resistance It's fun. I bought a pentel pocket brush pen and I'd love to learn to use it better. WALKING OUTSIDE 40 minutes It felt like my body would appreciate a bit of walking after doing yoga yesterday, so I had this thought and went for it. I began to chicken out the moment I was on the front door. I thought I coul not do it. The walk itself didn't feel nice. It was windy, not too much, but it annoyed me. My feet hurt with every little stone (I wasn't barefoot, though), the light was too bright, and my overall feeling was "I want to go back home". It seems I'm just not used anymore to be outside. Makes me feel sad. MUSIC MEDITATION BAR HANG WH

Well, let's give it a try. I thought of opening a challenge thread, but it felt weird, I don't think I can right now. I couldn't even write an introduction and it seemed a bit too much to keep a thread, so maybe is better for me to stay here for a while. The last 3 listed items are not activities I'm doing right now, but I'm giving them a thought on how would it feel to add them, not necessarily in a daily basis. I have a strong resistance towards 2 of them, and I simply not feel physically ready for the last one. Monday, april 17 ACTION TIME RESISTANCE FEELINGS AND SENSATIONS NECK&SHOULDERS I didn't count, probably 5 or 6 minutes. Not at all. I just do it without thought. Happy that I've been doing this for a couple of months now. My neck bothers me less and feels stronger (I don't get headaches when I'm sick and cough). PUSH-UPS YOGA 25 minutes Not much, because I enjoy the feeling I have when it ends. It was a nice video. I'm working on a totally beginner level. I was a bit impatient at some point, like "when is this going to end", but I love the feeling at the end: my mind is clear and my body in peace and rested. SKETCH Didn't count None. It's fun. I always have this joyful sensation "look at what I did!" I don't care if it's a nice sketch or it went "wrong", I enjoy both the process and the result anyway. WALKING OUTSIDE MUSIC 5 minutes A lot. I anticipate negatively, sometimes with reason (it's hard to play on a weak body), sometimes I just pile on on what I've felt before, mainly that it will be tedious. The whole time I'm playing I think of how bad it sounds and how much physical effort I need to do right now. Frustration, boredom. MEDITATION BAR HANG WH

The thing is, sometimes I think I have given up. I don't want to make any more efforts, I just want to be left alone and do nothing. My boyfriend has been telling me for months that I do look and act like I've thrown in the towel. Other days are better, but since I always feel so tired, it's like I just drag through my days. Hey, Tank. Nice to have you here. How nice of you to write a few words, they're always appreciated It was a weird period. I wasn't suicidal at all, there were no fantasies about "I'll just jump off a cliff" or anything of the sort. It was more like "I've just had enough, I have no strength to keep going, let's just stop". I read about indirect suicide, when people engage in harmful or neglectful behaviours that shorten their life span, and it was clear what I was doing. These are not conscious behaviours, but it's obvious now what was I doing. I like how these behaviours just pop up, without any need for willpower or conscious decisions. Seems like they come from deep down, from a place where my priorities are far more clear than in my conscious mind. Therapist says this is the important part, because it's not what we do in our lives, but the place we do things from what really counts and what heals us. This is tough to accept. It's not that I want to just be recovered right now, but sometimes I have doubts that maybe I'm not walking the right path. Or feels like there is no progress at all.