Dom

I hear you're looking for a new gym. I put this together for you.

Like this but with OHP?

You may know me as international funny man, and stay at home son. Small calves are the biggest source of male insecurity in the world. 27,000 men are diagnosed each year with clinical depression because of their teensie calves. It's been proven that you can't grow your calves through exercise. Calf raises are about as good for growing calves as raising calves, the baby cows. Why are some dudes born with big calves if no dudes are born with big biceps? I'm over here saving up for a Civic and you're waxing your Benz. Here are a few ways to make them look bigger and make you feel better: -High socks. If things look shorter, they look fatter. This is an optical illusion. High socks are the bro equivalent of push-up bras. -Black sock only. -High top shoes. Sometimes the problem isn't your calves are small. It's that your ankles are tiny. It's damned near impossible to grow your ankles. -Bonus! Combine high tops with high socks for the ultimate calf deception package. -Pants are the last resort. But the best resort. Kind of like the last resort I went to. Which was the best resort I went to. 50% fact. 50% magic. 100% results.

I fall into this middle of the road sort of diet where I'm not putting on any mass, and I'm not losing any fat. And by the time summer comes around, I haven't lost nearly enough fat to justify a bulk in the winter. When all is said and done, I stay the same weight all year long. Which, if you didn't know, is pumped.

Instead of ibuprofen, try a Jäger pre-workout, on the rocks. I'm sure you know "on the rocks" means "on a blender ball." Ipso facto, no more pain.

I do cardio indoors so I don't lose my pump in the cold. It's math. Think about it.

I hear you ran the gym this weekend. That's great, bro. Why don't I see a selfie? If you don't have a selfie at the gym, did you even lift? Secret bronus: I like to cut a slit in my forehead and marinate my headband in pre-workout. Get at me, bro.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

You got on that treadmill, and felt like an earthquake with legs. Metal ones. Cause you don’t run fast. You run HUGE! I turn the treadmill to ten and sprint for two minutes. Then leave. I run like everyone can hear the music. Like it’s my theme song. But really all they can hear is some asshole pounding on the treadmill and breathing heavy. Because I have zero cardio conditioning. Why? Because running isn’t chest and bis. Can you see your heart in the mirror? No. Then why are you working it like you can flex? Think about it.

Brotein buffins + supersets of curls and bench. Ipso facto, sexmonster.

The Brofessor is in. Answering the question, "Is yoga ever worth it?" Worth what? $30? 100% of your gains? Your eternal virginity? What price are you willing to pay to see whale tale? Think about it.

Without protein, you're just basically a regular person. True story.

I treat my legs like I treat my girlfriends - I ignore them. True story.

The squat rack is the clubhouse for the hardcore gym rat. So get in there and do some curls.

Whatever you do, don't put clips on the Smith machine. The only way the weight's coming off the Smith machine is if the gym flips on its side. Sunny side up!

It is with pre-workout. Never stop taking pre-workout. And ipso facto, gypsy muscle magic.

It's the vernal equinox. I'm not doing legs today.

You know what's real? Reps are real. How many reps does Jesus want? ONE MORE!

Hey bro, it's the Brofessor. Reading this is a way to get sick brain gainz. So keep reading it. Don't forget the pre-workout!

And, ipso facto, you don't lift, you're not gonna get a pump. You don't have a pump, you don't belong in the gym. Hit the treadmill.

I took my girl to the gym once. Yeah, she's hot.

What's this? Leg day? Where are the curls? The barbell curls. The EZ curls. The dumbbell curls. The squat rack curls.