Shibara

Thanks for popping in! <3 Glad to see you around again. Yes, we'll rock the new year!

Sooooo. I'm still here, somewhere Good news first? I found a new job at a local university, and I'm really, really happy to work there (that was not the guys with which I had the described interview - never heared back from them...). They do not pay a fortune and I have a hard time making ends meet, but it is... close to a dream job. Not-so-good-news? I gained a lot of weight (and my knees let me know that they are not at all happy with that). About seven kilograms since August, in about three months. SAD hit hard this year (on top of my "regular" depression), and I was unable to stop myself from eating. However, I've got new medication now which seems to stabilize my mood swings a lot (still testing, but at the moment I'm quite comfortable with my feelings), and today was one in a long time that I contemplated getting for a swim, or just getting out for a walk. I also read Steve's recent blog post and got myself a copy for the Walk to Mordor. It seems an awful lot of miles, given my condition, but as they say, every journey starts with the first step. I'm also thinking about getting back to (or starting *cough*) a bodyweight routine. I feel weak, my lipedema hurts and has blown up a bit, and I want to go to surgeries next May. I should be as strong and slim as possible until then, yet this "you should!"-thinking puts me under a lot of pressure. I want to take it one step at a time and be patient with myself. It's hard to balance, though. At the moment, I think I'll give keto a try after the holidays (I simply cannot an will not refuse Mom's cookies! They are the best!). I purchased Mark Sissons recent book and already gave the meal plans a try when I first got the book. After about 10 days, I somehow fell off the wagon and never recovered. Up until then, however, I felt quite comfortable with that way of eating (still the "reduce your carb-phase", not full blown keto). Even if I don't manage strict ketosis, eating lots of veggies and protein seems like a good way of eating to me (I've tried eating Paleo for years, now, and although I omit gluten and legumes most of the time, I still consume way too many carbs and sweets). I've also made an appointment with a nutritionist in early January. I doubt I will learn a whole lot that I didn't know already, but it never hurts to consult an expert (even if it's just for my medical insurance to prove that I am doing everything I can to get healthy - I'm still holding to that small hope of them paying for my surgeries next year, but that chance is close to non-existent and I'm facing EUR 20,000 for all four). That's about it for now

I... I just need to post this everywhere. I just came home from a long walk. Almost exactly 5 kilometers. This is a new personal record for me. Yes, I'm a little tired, and yes, I took it slow, but... holy canneloni, FIVE KILOMETERS! Without sore legs! I'm not really in pain! Last year, I could do about three and a half, at most. The year before, I started out with less than two. And today, I did not only wear my compression tights, but also my new compression sleeves, which is something I never did before. I'm so, so, so happy! I can't believe it. This is crazy! Crazy good! Now I need a shower. But... yeah, it's still hard to believe. 5 km!

I... I just need to post this everywhere. I just came home from a long walk. Almost exactly 5 kilometers. This is a new personal record for me. Yes, I'm a little tired, and yes, I took it slow, but... holy canneloni, FIVE KILOMETERS! Without sore legs! I'm not really in pain! Last year, I could do about three and a half, at most. The year before, I started out with less than two. And today, I did not only wear my compression tights, but also my new compression sleeves, which is something I never did before. I'm so, so, so happy! I can't believe it. This is crazy! Crazy good!

I... I just need to post this everywhere, even if it has not much to do with my challenge. (speaking of which, I'm not very mindful about it, but I enjoy living at the moment, and strangely, it works out rather well, even when I'm not constantly thinking about "don't eat sweets!" I do, in fact, eat less, and what I eat, I truly enjoy) I just came home from a long walk. Almost exactly 5 kilometers. This is a new personal record for me. Yes, I'm a little tired, and yes, I took it slow, but... holy canneloni, FIVE KILOMETERS! Without sore legs! I'm not really in pain! Last year, I could do about three and a half, at most. The year before, I started out with less than two. I'm so, so, so happy! I can't believe it. This is crazy! Crazy good!

I'm still around, but haven't spend too much thought on my challenge. Too bad! I had a few rough days and ate sweets, but I also managed not to overdo it during the past three days where I stayed with friends. These special friends usually mean: playing video games, eating chips, sweets and chocolate, drinking soda". I had surprisingly little of that! Also, we managed to get in a decent amount of walking, at least on Saturday. Overall, it was quite relaxing. I also relaxed mentally. This is BIG for me! Usually I'm like "I shouldn't eat this", "this is not so good", "I shouldn't eat that", "I really would love to eat that, but..." - very constricting. This past weekend I decided to eat what I wanted. When we went to a pizza place, I was so hyped for getting a whole pizza! I really wanted that! But then I was able to compromise with myself: order a salad, which is equally delicious at that place, and snag a slice of pizza from my friend. Worked! I think I need to change slowly towards compromises in my daily life. How? No idea, yet. But overall, things are going... not too bad for me, at the moment I'm way more optimistic that I'll figure something out.

I had an EPIC job interview! Even if they should not hire me, they definitely showed interest in me and saw things I didn't see myself. They were like "I can totally imagine you doing this and that", and I was like *hold your tongue, don't say anything, no, he's so wrong!* inside my head. I'm so, so, SO proud of myself that I stood up for myself (like telling them "well, I'm performing better with less work hours" and "I need clear communication, I'm all for 'Tell me if I do something wrong, else I can't improve anything'". He will think about it and interview a few others and get back to me in two or three weeks. Afterwards, I felt like celebrating, so I had chocolate. Lots of it. I don't regret anything. This is a day for celebration! Especially after having a angsty meltdown on saturday, feeling like "I can't do anything". I CAN! And others think I can! And this is not only family and friends who tell me "you can handle that" - a complete stranger judged me from talking 45 minutes to me and apparently thinks I can do it, too! Amazing feeling. Dancing off to bed! Or rather like them:

I had an EPIC job interview! Even if they should not hire me, they definitely showed interest in me and saw things I didn't see myself. They were like "I can totally imagine you doing this and that", and I was like *hold your tongue, don't say anything, no, he's so wrong!* inside my head. I'm so, so, SO proud of myself that I stood up for myself (like telling them "well, I'm performing better with less work hours" and "I need clear communication, I'm all for 'Tell me if I do something wrong, else I can't improve anything'". Afterwards, I felt like celebrating, so I had chocolate. Lots of it. I don't regret anything. This is a day for celebration!

Yeah, these "turkish burgers" can be really good I'm stressed. But let me start at the beginning: Yesterday I sent out another job application. Only a few minutes after sending my email I got an answer with a few more questions. Picking up my courage I spontaneously decided to call the guy, and we talked for a few minutes about the job before he invited me to a personal interview on Monday. I was happy - finally a job interview! But then my self-doubt kicked in. What if he hires me? What if the job is too stressful? What if I can't cope with it? It's a translation office with a very, very small staff, a start-up. I expect a lot of work. Maybe some overtime. Yes, the work will be work that I mostly like (probably). But... will I be able to handle that? Or will I fall back into negative habits, "living" only for my work, not being able to live? Shouldn't I apply to that other job that sounds a little boring, but only has 25 hours per week in the afternoon and that will probably not pay too well? The language office stated what they will pay, and it's less than I made at my last office job, too, so I'll be working more and earning less - but probably with a job that I'll like more. I'm so torn. Earlier today, I had a panic attack. That has never happened to me before. Was a disturbing feeling. Positive: when I finally was able to calm down, I went outside, took a longish walk and did some grocery shopping. And I wanted some chocolate, but didn't find what I wanted, so I decided against buying any at all. I was proud of myself. But when I arrived back home, I found some gummy candy and ate all of it. Ah, well, it's not the end of the world. Please wish me luck that I won't lose my nerves again, survive tomorrow and then handle my interview well. Fortunately I'm having an appointment with my psychologist on Monday, as well, so she will probably be able to help me further. Also nice: my neighbours will be on vacation for a few days and I will take care of their two cats. The female is a bit reluctant and doesn't want to be petted, but the male is quite nice. I love my rats dearly, but they don't want to be petted that much, so being able to fluff a cat will probably help, too.

Weeeeeell, if you put it that way... No, it's not about being perfect. That's sometimes hard for me. I don't strive for perfection, per se! It's just that I'm often unaware of that trap. Today I had a mostly relaxing day. Tried planking again (haven't done that in weeks! Still managed 60 seconds, woot!), and currently I'm putting together another job application. That's about it. But I'm completely okay with that! A few minutes ago I visited a neighbour upstairs. They will go on vacation next week and I'm allowed to cat-sit. I love cats! They wanted me to show some stuff, and of course I did not take the lift upstairs, so I guess that's enough of a workout for today I'll go outside in a minute (keep my Pokemon streaks running ), but I guess I won't walk far today but keep it a little low instead. We do have a KFC in the next town over, but it's currently closed for renovation. This special offer ends in a few days, though, and I'm not sure if they will be open again. KFC is not as common as McDonalds and BurgerKing over here. I'd say, Subway Sandwiches is the third major player, and then there are more smaller fast food/speciality places. Very common are small Turkish restaurants who offer "Döner Kebab", usually as take away: a bread, similar to a pita or a very large roll, stuffed with grilled, very thinly sliced meat, topped off with a few onions, salad, tomatoes and some sauce. But they are individually owned, not a francise, so the quality and offers can vary by a great amount. KFC is growing, especially in larger cities and on truck stops next to the motorway, but not too common over here.

Hey, Thanks for stopping by, both of you! I do have a freezer, albeit it's not overly large and most of the time it's filled with things I need on a regular basis (that's mostly lots of frozen veggies that usually form big lumps once their bag is open and take up more space than when they're laying completely flat). Once I did batch-cook two meals: some minced beef and veggies and quinoa, and the other meal was sort of a thai curry with chicken, coconut sauce and veggies. Both meals I eat, or used to eat, rather regularly. I had five boxes of each frozen and could reheat them easily, but I still do have some of the curry (because one time my guts reacted badly to that and so I shy away from eating the rest). I think I need a larger freezer. I have contemplated on clearing out my cellar a bit and putting a small chest freezer downstairs. That would be very useful - I could store larger amounts of pre-made meals and even some meat (a friend of mine has an offer for half a pig, but can't store all of that, either) and have the "just grab the bag and throw it in the pot"-stuff easily available in my freezer in my flat. Challenge-wise, it's going okay. Yesterday was bit stressful: I drove my friend to another city about one and a half hour away, she had an appointment at a clinic there. While I dropped her off at the main entrance, I went in search of a parking space. The clinic area has a funny layout: most of the buildings are at the base of a hill, the streets are rather curvy and narrow, and they build the car park a good way up the hill. Enough space, but a good way to walk. However, I'm not complaining, I like walking! Afterwards, my friend said "I want to invite you to lunch", and we went to a KFC because I really wanted to try their currently advertised "double down burger" (which consists of two slices of chicken stuffed with bacon and some cheese). Was okay (even if the chicken was lightly breaded). Later we went to my place. While talking, I vented a little at how I feel unable to clear up and organize my flat. She offered her help, and within a few hours, we managed to do some "I'll do it one day!"-stuff. Was I proud of myself and grateful towards my friend! Also, I count that as bodyweight excercise - lugging around heavy cartons and screwing in screws manually into a shelf did their thing to my arms and shoulders Also: when we entered the KFC, I really wanted some ice cream. I completely had forgotten about my goal "no sweets". While eating, I was quite satisfied, though, and so I did not need the ice cream (however, I did have some 7up... as I said, I completely forgot about my goals). The soda was enough to satisfy me and I was happy that I didn't buy some ice cream. Only today do I realize that I forgot about my challenge. On the one hand I'm glad that I was able to stop myself from mindlessly eating sweets. I did have that urge later in the evening, too - stress does that to me, apparently! On the other hand I'm a tiny little sad about forgetting my goals, but nevermind, the joy of "hey, I can eat like a normal person!" is larger than the tiny bit of guilt! So I guess I will count yesterday as "success", even if I had a small soda. Phew. I need a plan on how to reorganize my cellar compartment... having a second freezer really sounds like a great idea!

Worked well yesterday, stayed at 1750 kcal, plus about 200 for my walk. Today was a little stressful. Con: ate 2025 kcal. Pro: no sweets, no store-bought sushi. Had some stressful appointments and usually fall into the trap of "reward yourself!" afterwards. Instead I bought some carrots, chicken strips and, a little unnecessary but my body was craving it, some cheese. Was tempted to add some fruit juice. I do miss sweet stuff. Tonight I made a big salad with some store-bought salad as basis that came with its own dressing. This time I used all of that (usually only half of it). It contains some sugar. Still, I will count this day as a success. No walk today, was too busy. But I did swing my kettlebell a tiny little bit. Shoulders were aching a bit, so I stopped early. Could have done maybe a little more, but didn't want to risk anything. I also talked with my doctor. She will help me creating a plan for establishing a good eating habit as well as a housekeeping/management plan next Monday. I'm not sure how to count this week (regarding my goal no. 2). Maybe I can establish some basic plan until that appointment next week, or I will simply not count it this week. Having help is always good, I'm looking forward to that.

There we are: Shibara respawns Took me some time to finally commit to sitting down and writing out my goals! That's definitely something I'm slowly learning to tackle, though. One of my goals has to do with that issue - meal planning. Commitment. Bleh. Very tired now (yeah, well, probably shouldn't have put off writing down that challenge, eh? ), I've been watching way too many cute cat videos and will go to bed now. Have to get up a little bit early tomorrow, have two appointments. Afterwards I'm probably hungry and don't want to eat healthy or mind my calories, so that will be a challenge on its own. A meal plan would help. If only I had created one...

Writing down goals is really hard for me, so I put it off until just now (it's rather late now, I'm tired, and that could have been a great excuse. "Go to bed, write out your challenge tomorrow!") Except that I'll be having a busy day tomorrow, so I convinced myself to do it now. And there I am. With this challenge loosely in my mind, I did a 2 km walk today, and I also did some long-put off housework: I defrosted my freezer. I also did some tedious stuff for the job hunt and feel rather accomplished. Eating was okay, although I'm still hungry (1750 kcal today). No sweets, just a little bit of Coke Zero after dinner. I waited a little too long for preparing dinner, so I couldn't really convince myself to cook and wait for another 30 minutes and grabbed one ready-made meal. Later I had some ham and vegetables, and afterwards I cooked some veggies and scrambled two eggs with them. I'm feeling good with that choice. Now I only need to convince my body to rest instead of wanting more food... off to bed I go!

My scoreboard 1) No sugar and sweets - 7 days per week Week 1: 4/7 - room for improvement. Sweets were stress-related. Week 2: 2/7 - ouch. Partly stress-related, partly "live a little"/relaxing Week 3: Week 4: 2) Save calories/create deficit - stay below 1800 kcal Week 1: 5(?)/7 - was unable to track every meal due to eating out, but should have been mostly okay (although my scale is telling me something different - the scale lies!) Week 2: 4-ish? Was unable to track a lot of my meals. Will get back to that with more vigor! Week 3: Week 4: 3) Learn to meal prep a) written down a general idea of how to eat/diet - yes/no b ) specific plans for each week - yes/no Week 1: no (both) Week 2: no (both) Week 3: Week 4: 4) Do bodyweight excercises - 5 days/week Week 1: 5/5 - not enough bathroom excercises, but kettlebell and stairs. Week 2: 5/5 - same. Could be more, though, that's very generous counting Week 3: Week 4: 5) Go outside, aim for 2 km of walking (or more) - 5 days/week Week 1: 5/5 - nice weather certainly helped Week 2: 5/5 - outside yes, 2 km each time no, was less on some days and more on others Week 3: Week 4: 6) 20 Minutes of house cleaning/tidying/unpacking, 4 times/week Week 1: 3/4 - room for improvement. One day we got a lot of stuff done, the others were more "the basics". On the other hand, I was stressed (job-related) Week 2: 4/4 - I think. Got a whole lot of stuff done, proud of myself and grateful for my helping friend! Week 3: Week 4: