Anaticula

I went back to work yesterday for the first time in a week or so. I actually felt good in the morning. Around noon my energy started falling and I ended up leaving at 1:30. Luckily I have an understanding boss. Today I dont have to arrive until 10 and the goal is to stay until 6. Hopefully each day is a little better than the last and Im back to a full shift next week. I'm really lucky to have all the sick time I have. Before all this iron stuff started happening I was almost never sick. One day I hope to be back to that. Yesterday was okay on my food. Breakfast: banana black berry smoothie Snack: grapes Lunch: left over chicken veggie soup. Snack: one chocolate icecream bar. Usually I eat two at a time, so I'm happy I stuck with one. I also managed to turn down icecream after dinner when my husband offered me one. Dinner: steak, backed potatoe with cheese and a salad. My blood pressure is getting a bit better, but my pulse is still too high. I'm tracking them each day for my doctor.

Yesterday was rough. Food log: Breakfast: oatmeal, banana, and mixed nuts, with water to drink. Lunch: I had just gotten out of a rough dr appointment and caved in to fast food. I had Raisin Caines. Three chicken tenders, fries, bread, two sauces, and lemonade. Snack: chocolate caramel candy bar. Again, stress got too me. Dinner: I made homemade chicken soup with carrots, leeks, green onions, and celery. Water to drink. It tasted great, but two hours later I was hungry again. Snack: two hotdogs and 15 green olives. As I said it was a rough day. I saw my doctor about my heart problems. She believes it was caused by the iron and I reacted poorly to the first type of iron I got last year. She put me on two new medications to help with my blood pressure and pulse. She sent a message to my hematologist and it was determined that my iron treatment will be put on hold. In six weeks they will check my iron levels and decide to try it again or just leave me as is. I'm upset as I need the iron. Without it my red blood cells aren't being produced properly which leaves me constantly exhausted as red blood cells transport oxygen though the body. This means my brain (and everything else) isn't getting oxygen and can't work correctly. I've already been suffering from depression, memory loss, and general confusion. I often find myself talking an I can't remember the words or ideas of what I'm saying. Also, as I'm constantly exhausted I find myself too tired to do any exercise at all. Which makes me more depressed. Add in that I've gained 15 pounds during quarantine on top of the ton I already need to deal with and my mind keeps spiraling downward. On the plus side though I did get my endoscopy and colonoscopy scheduled. Hopefully we can find out how I'm losing all the iron. Other good news is that we finally get our kids again June 6th. Their mother has been trying to keep them from us and making excuses. We finally had to threaten to file her in contempt of court as she was supposed to meet us last weekend. We are losing two weeks of the little time we get with them and it sucks. I miss them.

It's a bit of a late start, but I'm here. I participated a few years back, but life got in the way and I stopped. I got sick. Thought I was getting better. Wasn't. Now I'm even worse off. Long story short: I suffer from iron deficient anemia. Last year I had to get IV iron to try to get me to reasonable levels. Turns out I'm allergic to IV iron. However, before the allergy showed itself we did manages to get enough iron into my system to put me at the lowest part of normal. Even with the iron in my system the side effects of low iron remained, depression, constant exhaustion, memory loss, etc. About 3 weeks ago my doctor determined that once again my iron levels were too low and that I needed to go back on IV iron, but a different type (there are three kinds). Thursday before last I had my first treatment. It went okay. I was still exhausted and depressed, but I didn't constantly feel like shit. So an improvement. Last Thursday I went for round two. We had a few issues. I got overheated as in my skin felt normal to the touch, but I felt as if I were suffering from a really bad sunburn and couldn't cool off. The doctor there determined it was likely a reaction to the steroid. She said that it's a common side effect. That night however, things got bad. Even though all I was doing was watching tv my blood pressure shot up to 167/85 and my pulse was at 140 beats per minute. I went to the ER. The doctor there wasn't particularly helpful. He ran a blood test. I sat for an hour waiting for the results. He gave me a xanax. I sat for two hours waiting for results. He gave me tylenol, told me he couldn't find anything wrong and as my blood pressure was at 145/84 with a pulse of 108 bpm he sent me home with instructions to see my doctor. All weekend my blood pressure and pulse was high. I have an appointment with my GP today to see what she can do. I didn't do anything all weekend and yet my heart was constantly pounding. It literally hurts from all the beating. I started planning out my will just in case. That was my wake up call. If I don't do something now I'm going to be dead soon. So hear I am. My goal for now is simple. Eat healthy. Stay calm so my heart doesn't burst out my chest. I'm already on blood pressure meds, but I suspect my doctor will up them at the appointment today. I don't know what else she will do. Hopefully she can find something that will help. My goals: 1. Eat healthier - no soda (I don't need the caffeine) and limit the junk food. 2. Food log - make a post about what I eat. Write it all down. Even the junk food. I know it's not something I can give up cold turkey as I comfort eat. All weekend I've wanted to do nothing but binge on junk food. I've managed to keep it down to one soda a day and a couple of cookies instead of 3 or 4 sodas and the whole pack of cookies. As we don't have any more soda it should no longer be an issue. 3. Relax - try not to do things that are stressful until my heart is better. Which means I can't really do much cleaning/grocery shopping/etc. And when I do these things I have to make myself rest afterwards instead of trying to push on to the next thing. Even more difficult though is mental stress. My depression makes me sad and I start to cry. This makes me upset which makes my heart beat faster. Which makes me sad and stresses me out. And so the cycle continues. Long Term Goal: Iron. Get my iron up to normal person levels. I have 6 more treatments scheduled. Hopefully they all go well with no more side effects.

I was doing good working out for a while, but got really sick a little over a year ago and completely gave up on everything health related except for running tests to figure out what was wrong with me. The doctors discovered I had severe anemia, and almost no iron in my system. As you need iron to produce red blood cells which supply oxygen I was always exhausted, not thinking clearly and had pretty much given up on everything. We began iron transfusions and discovered I'm allergic to iron. At least the two types of IV iron they tried to use. There is evidently a third type we could try if need be, but my doctors are holding off on it unless my levels drop to the same severity they were originally at. The transfusions helped get my iron levels up to an acceptable level, so I'm feeling much better and almost like myself again. I've decided that it's time to get back to making myself healthier through some challenges, but I'm keeping it simple at first. I'm setting three goals, one food related, one workout related, and one mental health related. Goal 1: Food - Low Carb Diet - I have been letting myself eat very badly for the past couple of months. I find myself going through 4 or 5 mini bags of chips a day and a whole thing of little chocolate bars. I know it's bad for me, but I keep eating it anyways. I also started drinking soda again after having gave it up for 4 months. I had done keto for a month or two a while back and started feeling great. But then I just stopped. I can't remember why, I think it started small, a doughnut here a slice of cake there. I had found a great meal plan that helped me out the first time I tried keto, so I'm going to get find it again and do that for the first two weeks. I find that meal planning was a big help last time. I'll post here what I eat each day. Goal 2: Tai Chi - I bought a Tai Chi dvd a while back and used it for about a week. It's time to drag it back out and begin again. My goal is to do three sessions a week. Goal 3: Brush my Teeth - I know, this is something I shouldn't have to set as a goal, it's something that should have been drilled into me and become a habit as a child. But when I was sick I didn't even have the energy to bother brushing my teeth. I didn't care. And as I slipped out of the habit for nearly a year (I was sick for about a year and a half total before I started to feel better) and somehow never started back up because as my energy levels finally began to return to normal human levels (I can't say normal for me because my normal was so low for so long) I somehow never started back up with a regular brushing. Once you break a habit it's hard to get it back into your system. So daily teeth brushing is a goal for me. I've downloaded a podcast called "Chompers" which is technically for kids, but hopefully will be amusing enough to help get back in the habit. It's a very short twice a day podcast that is designed to get you to brush your teeth for the right amount of time. I read about it in the Wall Street Journal and figured hey why not try it. Bonus round - Clothing/blankets/towels - Sort through all the cloth items in the house and get rid of anything stained, torn, or otherwise unusable. We somehow have created a stock pile of blankets and such we don't need. Plus the whole family has too much clothing, lots of stuff we don't wear and that doesn't fit. It's time to sort through it all and get rid of what I can. I've already made a start on my own items in February and have donated/tossed about 4 bags. It's time to tackle the rest of the house.

Never started a new thread, so I'll just post here. The Job - The position I originally planned to interview for was canceled; however, they had two similar positions open. I applied for those. They are accepting applications until the end of this week. Salary will still be a cut if I take it. If I get the high end of the salary range I'll break even considering the amount of gas I use each week to get to my current job and local gas prices. If it is on the lower end of the range my husband and I will have to talk things over. Diet and Exercise - Haven't done anything. I've had no motivation. This leads to point three. I went and saw a therapist. Turns out there is a reason I have no motivation and cannot stick with any diet or exercise program and why I'm always angry/scared/sad. I have depression. Dysthymia to be exact. Basically it is a long term low level depression that occasionally spikes into what is known as Double Depression, where in addition to the low level 'normal' depression you get periods of 'major depression'. Each time you hit a spike it gets worse and lasts longer and the likelihood you will kill yourself increases. So far I've only ever hit the passive 'I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up' level of suicide as opposed to the actual thinking about how to do it that without help I'd likely get to. She has told me there are several things I can do to help. First, I've got to set up an appointment with my regular doctor (she can't prescribe pills) and get on an anti-depressant, as that will take 6 to 8 weeks to start working she also recommends I get on anxiety meds to help in the short term. She explained that dysthymia is basically caused because the brain chemicals and all aren't working properly, it has nothing to do with willpower or wanting to be happy. The brain just isn't wired correctly for some reason. Because of this she says I also need to be screened for underlying health issues such as my thyroid being out of wack. In addition to that she says diet and exercise CAN help once I get to a point where I can keep up with them without failing a diet sending me spiraling further into depression. She recommended I find an Over-eaters Anonymous group, either in person or online, and start working with them; and that I read the book Bright Line Eating by Susan Thompson which is about reprogramming the brain to make healthier eating choices. I've called my doctor and I have an appointment for Tuesday morning. I'm planning to stop at the bookstore on the way home to see if they have the book she recommended, if not I can order it online and get it in a few days. I looked into OA, but they don't have local meetings at a time I can do. I'm going to look into the online meetings and see if I can find one that works. I've also got another appointment scheduled with her for next Monday. I'm going to see her weekly for a while and talk about things. Hopefully this will all help put me in a better place mentally and eventually physically.

Got the phone call, and taking the job would mean a pay cut. Depending where on the scale I fall it would be $2,000 to $6,000 a year less than what I've been making. That's why she wanted to call me, to make sure I knew about the cut before they went further. I'm going to talk about it with my husband, but I don't think it would be a good decision. That would mean $500 to $160 less a month, which is a LOT of money for us. Although I would love the less stressful aspect of it, and I'd love the work environment I don't know if we can afford that much of a pay cut. I told her I'd have to think about it and get back to her tomorrow. Going to talk it over and see what he thinks. Feeling really down right now.

Got it set up, they are going to call today between 11:15 and 12 noon. I've done my research and looked up the salary range. I've set my asking price and my lowest number I'm willing to do. I'm all jittery. But in a good way. This job will be so less stressful than where I am at now. It'll still have stress, but not the type I'm dealing with currently. Plus I'll enjoy what I'll be doing. I've held very similar positions in the past and loved them. And I will know most of my coworkers and those I already know I like. Okay, next challenge. It will end the day we leave for our trip to Disney, so it is perfect timing. I need to start walking to prepare. While at Disney we average 10 miles a day. We did 6 miles on the day we walked the least and around 12 or 15 the day we did the most (I forget the exact number), but the walking is generally done in 30 minute increments. With a walk from one ride to the next, then standing in line for 30 minutes to over an hour. My first step in preparation is to buy new shoes. I need to break them in for the trip or I'll have blisters when I arrive. Goal One - Walk 30 minutes a day twice a week and an hour a day on the weekends for week one and two. For week two either walk 30 minutes a day every day OR an double all walk times for same amount of days. Goal Two - Limit soda and desserts. I can still have a SMALL bowl of ice cream or popsicle or one can of coke each day, but no more. It's needless sugar. I would cut it out completely, but I know from past experience on this challenge I have difficultly with that. I'll cut back then see about doing away later. Goal Three - De-stress. I stress and worry over everything. I need to take time to relax and breath. I will meditate, take a long bath, read a book, or even color for at least 30 minutes every day. Personal Goals - Costumes - I have several costumes to finish for the trip. Each time I finish one I will reward myself with a bath bomb. I have to make: Queen of Heart top Queen of Heart bag Playing card 2 of clubs Playing card 3 of clubs 2 playing card 'paint bucket' trick or treat bags. Alice in Wonderland apron Beauty and the Beast Belle dress Pink Jasmine shirt (bottoms are finished) and headband Redo Blue Jasmine headband (my husband tried and it came out bad) Finish the 'Frozen' skirts (just need elastic and hem line) These are not costumes, but just two skirts made with material that has pictures of Anna and Elsa on them. I also need to gather up all the costumes the kids already have and pack them. They have Chip and Dale chipmunk suits and hats from last year. Our oldest will be Moana, Rapunzel, Chip, Alice, Jasmine (pink), and Elsa. The youngest will be Dale, Snow White, Belle, the Cheshire cat, Anna, Jasmine (blue), and Remy the rat.

I haven't had a chance to put one together, but I am going to give it a go. The job application must have gone well because they sent an email saying they would like to call me an discuss salary. I've never before had to negotiate salary so I am both excited and nervous. We technically haven't done an interview yet, but it turns out I know four people on the hiring committee because I had two of them listed as references and had to change them. I know who the other two are because one is the head of the department and the other is the direct supervisor. As it is a 6 person committee typically I feel really good. Keep your fingers crossed for me! I spent all weekend sewing as I'm making costumes for Disney. I made a Queen of Hearts skirt for me and Princess Jasmine costumes for the kids. One wanted to be Jasmine in blue and the other in pink. They already have a ton of costumes to wear for the Disney trip, but I've a few more to work on next weekend. I have to do a Belle dress for the youngest, the Jasmine top for the oldest, and playing card costumes for my husband and my brother. We are attending the Disney Haloween party and going as Alice in Wonderland, the Cheshire cat, the Queen, and the 2 and 3 of clubs.

No worries, I drink Mug, which doesn't have caffeine. Occasionally I'll have an IBC, but as they're in the glass bottles and more expensive it's a rare treat or an A&W which is hard to find here. Some restaurants do have Barqs (which does have the caffeine), but it's usually well marked. I like Mug better as it has a little more sweetness to it than Barqs.

I think you have a really good point. I'm totally fine with skipping out on bread and pasta. They're nice foods, but nothing special to me. Ice cream however is a must have. I will admit, it is a comfort food. I eat it and it makes me feel better mentally. I just need to learn to eat a small portion of it instead of a huge bowl. I think if I can train myself to follow portion sizes I will be okay. My issue previously was that I would eat a pint of ice cream, or two or three popsicles instead of one serving size bowl or one popsicle (the chocolate fudge ones). Maybe that should be my focus. Learning portion size and actually measuring out the amount of sweets I have. I've also an addiction to soda. I can easily drink 3 or 4 cans of rootbeer in a day. However, I managed to give them up for the two weeks. It was tough the first 2 or 3 days, but then I got to the point I was okay with it. This weekend, as part of my 'relax, eat what you want' weekend I had rootbeer again, and I actually told a friend that I had to leave the box with them or I would drink them all. I took two home and sure enough, even when I wasn't thirsty I grabbed them just to have something. I think I'm going to cut the soda out permanently at home and work. I will allow myself A (one) coke or rootbeer at a restaurant, but then I will switch to water. At home and work I'll stick to the carbonated lemon water we found (it's really good, there is a lime version that is even better, but kind of hard to find) or water from the cooler (at work). This will cut out a lot of calories that I don't need. Job application is submitted. I had to email them my transcription as it arrived after I sent the application, but as I technically still have until 11:59 pm tonight they allowed their HR to add it to my application. I'll hear back in two weeks if I'm going to hear anything. I used to work at this same company in a different position and got to be on the hiring committee once. Last time they received 50 applications for a similar spot. The committee looked over the applications for 2 weeks and picked the best 10. Those 10 did phone interviews. They were then narrowed down to three for in-person interviews. The top two candidates then got to speak with the director who made the final decision between them and the job offer. If I don't hear anything back in two weeks (three at max) I know I did not make the cut. Here's to hoping I make it! I would love to go back to this library as I loved the environment. I only left because due to department shifting they did away with a position. Because the person who was filling it had 10 years more seniority than I did she was allowed to bump me from my spot and take it. The position I'm applying for now is a much better one that is a permanent spot and cannot be removed due to budget cuts. I potentially could still be fired if I screwed up, but that's true for any job.

Yay for them not being mushrooms! Yams I'm totally fine with. So, the bad news. I broke my diet. I spent most of Friday night and Saturday morning crying. Tears and snot everywhere because I wanted real ice cream and couldn't have any. My husband, trying to make up for me having to watch the kids on Monday, offered to take them out for the day to go swimming. I still kept crying. The kids were getting worried too and kept asking if everything was okay. (Yeah, they were worried Friday night after we got our McDonald's (just nuggets and water for me) and I sobbed the whole way home. I decided I couldn't do it any longer. I was miserable. My husband and kids were worried and upset too. I ate the ice cream. And suddenly I felt so much better. I felt fine. I managed to stop crying and went swimming with the kids. We visited my husband's parents and all went out for supper together. I ate pizza (including the crust) and felt fine. My stomach issues I'd been having stopped. I felt much better than I had felt for the past two weeks. Sunday we cleaned the house (only the kitchen/dinning room and living room, but still) did all the dishes and laundry and then went to play board games with friends. Monday I watched the kids and everything went fine. (Okay, I did yell at them once for getting WAY too loud while I was working on something and needed some quiet after I'd already asked them to keep it down 3 times.) I filled out the job application for the job I'm looking into. (I still need my school transcript, I've called and emailed and am just waiting for them to send it.) The thing that confuses me though is I felt so much better when I went back to the bread and sugar. I've heard giving it up then going back normally makes you sick. The only issue I have had is a little heart burn. I'm really confused now, because even though I was full and eating less when I was on the diet I felt worse. I was miserable and making everyone else feel like crap too. DO I go back to low carb and make everyone miserable or do I eat carbs and feel better but not lose weight. I'm kind of lost right now.

With all my bitching and whining earlier, I forgot to post my good news. I've lost 10 pounds. I haven't gone down a clothing size yet, but my shirts are feeling a little looser. If I can get from my size 26/28 to a size 22/24 by the time we go to Disney (Mid-October) I MIGHT fit the new Pandora Flight of Passage ride that everyone has been having trouble with. Have to have a waist size of 22/24 or less and a calf size of 22 inches or less to fit on it due to the restraints. No clue what my calf size is, I'll have to measure this weekend to see where I stand.

Thanks! I'm going to give it a try. Lets see...Day 9 was Tuesday? Tuesday I ordered a lettuce wrap sandwich to be delivered. It was pretty good. Work didn't get canceled. I can't remember what we did for supper. Day 10 I was off for a dentist appointment. I cooked eggs and bacon for breakfast. Did some shopping for our upcoming Disney trip. We're going to the Halloween party and need costumes. We're all going as Alice in Wonderland characters (cartoon, not Tim Burton) our 8 year old is being Alice, the 5 year old is going as the Cheshire Cat (she wanted to be the pink hedgehog from the flamingo croquette scene, but we talked her into the cat), the girls decided I need to be the Queen of Hearts. My husband and my brother (he joins us every year, we pay for his food and he babysits when we need a break to rest a few minutes, good deal all around) are going as playing cards. My husband met me on his lunch break and we picked up costume material and grabbed lunch together. We found a Vietnamese place that has egg noodles I can eat. That afternoon I worked on costumes once the dentist appointment was over. FOr supper we did taco salads. Day 11 (yesterday) was back to work. Bullion for breakfast. A salad for lunch which did not fill me up. I got out the beef jerky, but the smell made me feel gross, so I only choked down one piece. I then sat at my desk moping and debating quitting the diet. I texted my husband telling him I was going to stop and get a cheese burger on the way home. He told me he was cooking supper so to give it one more day. He picked up some steaks and no carb shiitake noodles (I hate mushrooms and he swears they aren't made of mushrooms, given the name I'm fairly certain they are, but I'm not checking to see) with some green beans. He then packed the leftovers for me to bring to work today for lunch. Then, he gave me the bad news. I have labor day off. This was going to be my first day off without the kids around in over a month. We get the kids every weekend. So I was really looking forward to having a day off to relax, not have to worry about feeding the kids or getting the dressed and bathed, no dentist or doctor appointments, a day to relax. Nope. The kids are out of school and his ex has decided she's taking a 3 day vacation, so we have them until Monday night. She decided this Thursday evening and texted him. No warning. No please. Just a I heard your wife is off work she's keeping the kids. Fucking pisses me off. She gets every single weekend without them to rest. I never get a day off. I work 5 days a week and have the kids the other 2 days. Yes, I know when I married him I agreed to the kids too. I love the kids. But I was really looking forward to a day for just me. If she had asked 2 or 3 weeks in advance, I likely would have agreed to it. Or I would have at least had the opportunity to think about it and maybe arrange a babysitter. Instead I was so happy to have a day to relax, now I don't. If we say no to her she will throw a fit and try to keep the kids from us all weekend. I don't want my husband to miss out on his time with the kids, so we have to keep them the extra day. I know I'm complaining when there are parents who have kids all 7 days a week and don't get a break at all, and I feel bad about that, but I was just so looking forward to a day to rest. Also, my depression has kicked in really bad this week (which is one more reason I really wanted that day off). I really need to see a doctor about getting on something to help me deal with it all. I spent most of the drive to work this morning crying, but I'm at work now and trying to keep it all together and remember that no matter how bad things get they can get better eventually. I've been getting my resume together and plan to send it in to the job I'm looking at tonight or first thing in the morning. Maybe a less stressful job will help. Part of me even considers whether we could afford for me to take a part time job and have me work at the house just until I can get myself together, but it wouldn't really work. It would mean all our money would go to bills and nothing could be put aside for fun or trips, which would really suck. It was nice to contemplate for a few minutes, but it's just not practical.

Zeroh13 do you mind sharing the recipe? I'd love to give it a try. I found a job opening at the first library I worked for years back and I'm going to apply. I remember it being a great place to work for the most part, and even though that may have changed a little I think I will like it much better than where I am at now. I have until the end of next week to apply, so I'm going to work on my application tomorrow as I have the day off for a dentist appointment. Day 8 part 2 - Egg crust pizza does NOT reheat well. It made me sick and I had to leave work. It was a very long drive home with my stomach churning, but I made it home without incident, thank god. I finally began to feel better around 7. I didn't feel much like cooking, so I microwaved some chicken nuggets and ate them with some olives, a little ketchup, and a popsicle. The bad part about this is now I have no lunch packed for today as I normally eat dinner leftovers. We have a cafe downstairs and several local restaurants that deliver, so I should be able to find something. It might be a mute point though as I'm in Louisiana and they may be sending us home early due to the storm. So far we've just gotten rain and a little wind, but it's supposed to get worse tonight. As the power at my house goes out whenever there is strong wind either my husband or I will pick up some charcoal for the grill as we will likely need it. We have a small grill that is perfect to use on the porch, it'll only do about 2 burgers at a time, but that's never been an issue. We had enough food to make it to the weekend with the power off, and we live on mostly high ground so we shouldn't be affected by the flooring too much. Usually our yard gets soggy, but that's it. The river down the road my flood over leaving the neighborhood stranded, but I don't see it getting so flood we can't get by come this weekend unless the storm stalls out on top of us. Day 9 - Bullion for breakfast again. A little hungry this morning as I didn't have a real dinner last night, but I have jerky if I need it. Didn't bring lunch today, so I'll figure something out later assuming work hasn't closed by then.

I don't have internet at home, except on my phone, and given this weekend I was too tired to put in the effort to post from my phone. Thank you both for checking in though you're messages were emailed to me and it helped me remember to stay on track. I don't normally send food back at restaurants, but given how little I'm allowed to eat on my diet that the restaurant had available I went ahead and did it. Our waitress was very good about it and the manager checked in with us too even though we didn't ask for him. We made sure to tip our waitress well as it wasn't her fault the kitchen cooked it too long. We think what happened is that we both ordered steaks and his was bigger than mine they put them on and took them off at the same time resulting in mine being over done and his being underdone. They got them right the second time though. For the job I suspect that eventually things would get better, but as I am prone to depression I don't know if I could last that long. I love most of what I do, I even enjoy it at times, but I hate that my boss right now blows up at me in front of everyone over little things. She is only filling in until our real boss gets back in January as she just had back surgery, but I don't know if my depression will let me stick around that long. She (the current boss) doesn't mean to get angry, she is a perfectionist and expects perfection from everyone as that is how she behaves. I'm still learning my job and make mistakes, and when I do she goes off. If she at least pulled me aside and closed the door it would be better, but to see coworkers walking by avoiding eye contact while she reprimands me (not actually yelling, she just naturally speaks loudly) makes me feel horrible. It has only happened twice, but it upsets me. She is a great person the rest of the time, and I know I am sensitive to things like this, so I try to understand she doesn't know how it makes me feel, but it leaves me wanting to cry and depressed for the rest of the weekend. Boss aside though, I know that this job will always be a high stress job even when my real boss returns, it will be very stressful. Add in that it is an hour drive in the morning and an hour and a half to two hour drive home in the evenings I wonder if it is worth it. It pays well, and the pay will get better quicker and go higher than it would at a less stressful location, but I just don't know if I can handle the stress. I stress test once or twice a week and my numbers are always insanely high. (My phone has a tracker that records heart beat and stress levels through a sensor.) Because I'm stressed out at work and can't do anything about it there it makes me bitch and whine and generally be in a bad mood when I'm at home. At this point I think it may be best for everyone if I change jobs. Anyways, back to the dieting... Day 5 Part 2 - I struggled, but I managed to keep away from the snack machine. As I'm on floor 13 and it's on the ground floor it takes planning to go grab something and that's one of the few things that saved me. My husband had a dentist appointment, so he was out of it when I got home. (They removed a tooth and the roots broke off and had to be dug out of his jaw.) So I went to get the kids by myself. We did the usual stop at McDonald's and I got a 10 pack of nuggets and a bottle of water. It wasn't great as I seriously missed my french fries, but I managed to do without. On the way home we stopped at the grocery store and I bought some Halo low carb ice-cream. It was disappointing. But it did help with the ice-cream craving. Day 6 - Husband slept all day thanks to the pain pills. I managed to keep the kids away from him for most of the day, with an exception of taking the cat to the vet and a trip to the store later in the day. Our youngest is food obsessed and asks for snacks every 5 minutes. Because I couldn't eat and had to keep getting her food (not every time she wanted it, but a mid morning and mid afternoon snack is allowed) I ended up snapping at her once or twice telling her to go do something. I had planned to clean house, but that didn't happen. I was in way to bitchy a mood to try, so instead I played on my computer and watched a movie with the kids. They got to watch Ponyo, so for supper I made them ramen with chicken and a boiled egg. They promptly threw a fit saying that they hate ramen, so no supper for them as I ate my chicken and boiled egg plain and my husband had all the noodles. If they hadn't thrown a screaming fit and at least tried the food we would have gotten them something else, but fit throwing means bed without supper as we're trying to teach them screaming doesn't solve your problems. (They're 5 and 8 and get plenty of food, so occasionally missing a meal doesn't hurt them.) Day 7 - The next morning they ate breakfast without a fuss and politely asked for scrambled eggs instead of omelets. We were all grumpy that morning and husband decided to take us out for lunch in hopes it would make us all feel better. We went to a Mexican place and when I checked the carbs on tortillas found out that I can't have them unless I buy special low carb ones, so that eliminated 90% of the menu. Finally found pork and grilled onions with the tortillas on the side. Ate that but left the tortillas alone. We then took the kids to a trampoline land where they got to jump for an hour. Naturally literally the second we left they started throwing fits again and fighting with each other. When we finally made it back to the house 30 minutes later I locked myself in the bedroom and refused to leave for the rest of the day. I did step out long enough to grab a popsicle (I can either have 1/2 cup of disappointing ice-cream or 1 popsicle each day provided I watch my carbs and sugar the rest of the day.) When my husband finally left to drive the kids back to their mom's I managed to pry my ass out of bed and make supper, which I'll have as lunch today. I found a recipe for low carb pizza crust. It's 4 eggs and a cup of cheese mixed together, spread on a pan and cooked at 400F for 15 minutes. Then I put the toppings (cheese, bacon, and grilled onions)on and cooked it another 5 minutes. Much to my surprise the crust came out really good. Almost resembled and actual pizza crust. I'll happily have it again. I'm not sure how well it will reheat today for lunch, hopefully it's okay. Day 8 - At work now. Finally managing to pull myself out of my depression. Had broth for breakfast again. I'm pleasantly surprised that I actually enjoy it for breakfast and it holds me over until lunch time. I've got my left over pizza to eat for lunch and hamburger meat thawing in the fridge for supper. Not sure what I'll make for supper, I'll figure that out later. Hopefully I don't mess anything up at work again and today will be a better day. And hopefully I'll start whining and bitching less as the worst of it is supposed to be over now.

Day 4 Part 2 - Instead of cooking Husband surprised me with dinner out and a movie. We watched the Hitman's Bodyguard. It was so funny. Dinner was okay. I got steak and broccoli and managed to stay away from the rolls. The steak was overdone so I had to send it back. Our waitress was great though and she got everything sorted out with the kitchen. Day 5 - Today sucks. I want to binge eat so bad as I just got yelled at by my boss. Well, not actually yelled out, spoken to in an angry tone. It was my fault, I messed up. I decided to get a patron's number and call her back with the answer to her question as opposed to putting her on hold. I should know better. I fucked up though. I'm really not cut out for this job. I'm going to start hunting for a new one, which sucks as I just passed my 6 month evaluation and got a 2% pay raise. But I just can't keep doing this. I've only been here a little while and while the pay is great, it just isn't the job for me. Time to start applying elsewhere. Going to do my best to stay away from the junk food today even though I really really want to go get a candy bar to make me feel better.

Thanks Fleaball and BP88! It's good to hear from others. I have read up on the diet and they do say the first week is the worst. Next week should be a little easier, then after two weeks the worst of it's supposed to be out of my system. I'm actually rethinking the walking this week. From what I started reading they recommend just focusing on eating for the first two weeks as they know you're going to feel like crap. They say that come the third week you can start adding exercise in because right at first you're just drained of energy and grumpy from the diet change. I think I'm going to take that advice. (The diet website I'm using sends me daily emails to keep up the motivation and exercise was discussed in this one.) I think that if I had waited until next week to start things might have been a little easier (it'd no longer be that time) but I know myself and if I don't start now I'll just keep pushing it back another week each week. Then before I know it the trip will be here. Day 3 part two - I eat lunch at 11 and started actually feeling hungry around 10:30. I grabbed one of the boiled eggs from my lunch box and snacked on that until actual lunch time kicked in. I added three eggs to my salad, and that helped make it a lot more filling. I didn't have to turn to the beef jerky at all. My husband cooked for me again (he's been super supportive) so supper was ready shortly after I got home. We had pork-rine and coconut crusted drumsticks, salad, and I got 1/3 a baked potato (my husband who isn't dieting got the rest). I wanted dessert again. I know I'm not hungry after supper, but I'm so used to having something sweet and chocolate after dinner that I real REALLY wanted it. I managed to hold off though and just pout about it but not actually get anything. I did think about sneaking a bite from the freezer while my husband was in the other room, but I managed to talk myself out of it. Eventually the craving passed. Tonight I do get something chocolate though as we found a recipe for chocolate coconut milk moose. I'm so looking forward to it. I'm going to pack it into single serving jars and put them in the freezer so they become more ice-cream like, but I'm going to try to limit them. I know that I do need to break the dessert everyday mindset and save dessert for special occasions. Day 4 - I did the bullion only for breakfast again, but today it isn't going quite as well. It's only 9am, but I'm getting hungry. I'm going to break a few slices of jerky out and have them shortly. Also, my stomach isn't agreeing with all the vegetables I'm eating and the fact that it's that time, so I feel cramped, bloated, and constipated. Not a fun combination. I've read up on it and in addition to being the usual period problems these are all issues that can be caused by the change in diet, so a double dose today, ugh. I've taken my midol and I'm drinking lots of water, so hopefully it'll pass soon. I've packed a smaller salad today with two left over chicken legs and set out the chicken for supper. I have to say I love that my husband is willing to cook each night. If I had to wait until I got home from work and then start cooking I'd be much less likely to follow the diet as I'd be so hungry I'd eat the whole time the food is cooking and possibly end up binge eating. I've always had issues of my eyes being bigger than my stomach and never stopping when I'm full but instead eating everything because it's there and I was hungry earlier. Trying to learn to read my body and understand what it's telling me is a new experience. I'm not looking forward to this weekend. We pick up my step-kids tomorrow night and are going to a friend's to play board games until midnight. We have a tradition that every Friday when we pick up the kids and every Sunday night when we bring them home we stop at McDonald's for supper. These are typically the only times the kids get fast food, so it's a special treat for them and I don't want to break it just because I'm on a diet, but I know I'm going to be tempted to get something too. I LOVE McDonald's french fries. It is going to be so hard to not eat any. I can have the nuggets, a side salad, and a bottle of water and stay on track, but I know I'm going to want fries so bad. It's going to be tough. Sunday will be easier, because I can make my husband drive the kids back to their mom's without me and eat healthy at home, but Friday is going to be a real problem. I'm not the type of person who can order just a small thing of fries and eat only them. Once I eat one I will want them all. I'm not looking forward to Friday night at all right now.

Day 2, Part 2 - My salad yesterday went over well. Even with no dressing I still enjoyed it. I was still a little hungry afterwards, so I had 2 pieces of beef jerky and a cup of chicken bullion. After that I felt great. My husband cooked dinner for us, so it was ready when I got home. We did pork chops, green beans, and a salad. We made some crystal lite to go with it. I wanted something sweet later that night and whined and complained a lot. I found a recipe for a low carb hot chocolate and made it, but didn't care for it. It was basically hot water with a little coco powder in it. Didn't finish it. I did have a spoon of chocolate ice-cream. A small spoon as opposed to the usual huge bowl I'd normally have. My husband asked if I wanted to do a walk, but I was feeling crappy so I instead went to bed around 7:30. He has been really great about supporting me, I've been whining and complaining a lot. Day 3. This morning I was too depressed to eat. And I wasn't really hungry. So I skipped breakfast. On the car ride to work I did get a little hungry, so I grabbed a piece of the beef jerky. Now I'm at work sipping on a cup of bullion. It seems to be filling me up. I'm not really hungry, just a tiny bit. I'm trying to get myself into the eat when I'm hungry and only when I'm hungry mindset. It's difficult. Last night with the dessert. I knew I was full, but I still wanted that bite of something sweet. Then when I gave in I felt guilty even though I only had a tiny amount compared to what I would normally have. It's tough. And I know I'm whining all the time right now, but I can't stop. Hopefully next week will be better.

I watched the NASA live feeds and it was so awesome. I could have gone outside and watched as we had a 70% cover, but I've horrible vision to begin with and didn't want to take any chances on screwing up my eyes worse.

Day One - Part Two My day did not go so well and I'm already off to a rough start. my stomach isn't agreeing with all the vegetables I'm eating as it's sued to food that's easier to digest. I did okay though until about 4pm. Around 4 I started to get hungry. I normally get off work at 4:30 then get home from work between 5:30 and 6, meaning i eat at about 6:15. On Mondays I work until 5 and get home for 6:30. It didn't work like that yesterday though. A coworker stopped me on my way out to chat and would not stop talking no matter how many times I mentioned that I needed to leave. I finally managed to get away from her at 5:45 and start the drive home. By then I was so hungry I spent most of the car ride crying about how much my stomach hurts. It's also that time of the month, so I cry a lot easier than I normally would. By the time I got home at 7 I grabbed the closest kind of on my diet thing I could find, a chunk of blue cheese and some pepperoni and shoved them into my mouth I also grabbed a few bites of the leftover turkey leg my husband was having for supper. I cooked the spinach and fish that was on the meal plan and the 15 minutes felt like forever. Then, it tasted like crap. I ended up crying into a salad with croutons and ranch dressing. Luckily my husband managed to keep me from going totally off track by having water instead of a Pepsi and keeping me away from the icecream. Once I was in bed and not likely to go back to the fridge he went to the store and bought me some beef jerky which he's told me to keep in the car for driving home if I get stuck late at work and in traffic again. Day Two. It's early, so I'm on track so far. Bacon and eggs for breakfast. Packed a salad with no dressing or croutons for lunch. I need to buy some Italian as it's allowed or make some on my own for next time. I know how to make homemade ranch, which I love, I just didn't have time. I've got my pork chops marinating and the beef jerky in the car. Hopefully today will go better than last night did.

Thanks! It's good to be back.

Day 1 Breakfast was scrambled eggs and beef broth. I made my lunch last night, beef patties and cabbage. Following the 2 week meal plan from dietdoctor.com. So far I feel good. Not super hungry. Hopefully I'll stay full as the day continues.

Been on again off again here for years. Time to give it a go again. My goals for this go round are fairly simple: food, walking, and tracking. 1. Food. My husband and I are taking the kids to Disney World in October. We've been before and I've been getting fatter each trip. Last trip the rides were tight and I've put on about 25 lbs since then. Thus, I need to lose a bit of weight so I can fit on the rides. I've a friend who's going low carb keto and she says it's been working great for her, so I'm giving it a go. From now until October 14th (when we leave for our trip) I'm going to stick to a low carb diet. I started this morning. 2. Walking. Disney involves a LOT of walking. Each trip we walked 7 to 12 miles a day. We've been three times, and the day with the least amount of walking we did 6.8 miles, then my phone died, as it was tracking my steps we likely did more than that. The day with the most walking we did 15 or 16 miles, I forget exactly, but that was one day only. On average Disney has us walking 12 miles a day. Yesterday I walked for 30 minutes and got out of breath. I can't do that at Disney. I need to get back in the habit or I'll be in serious pain when the trip rolls around. Starting today I'm going to walk 30 minutes a day on Tuesday and Thursdays. Saturdays my husband, the kids, and I are going to take a long walk in the park for at least an hour. We've two kids, ages 8 and 5 going with us. In the past we rented a double stroller and pushed the kids around. This year our oldest daughter will be walking and we're only getting a single stroller. We will let the kids swap out from time to time, but our oldest is getting too heavy to push. Thus, we all need to get in the habits of long walks. As we get closer to the trip we may increase the walk time. We don't want to push our daughter too hard, but we need her to be ready for the trip. We only get the kids on weekends (I'm step-mom and they live with their mom and step-dad during the week) so they won't have to go on walks every day. 3. Tracking. I'm going to make myself log how I'm doing every day. I find that when I don't make the daily posts I tend to slip and get off track. So I should be here each day to at least post photos of what I'm eating if nothing else.

Hi Laghail, I did one druid challenge in the past, but mostly hung out with the scouts. I decided to join the druids again this go around, because my focus is more mental and getting back on track than trying to walk/run longer or faster. Monday & Tuesday: I stuck to the no soda for a second day, even though I went out to eat and usually order a coke with dinner. I had the lemonade instead. Most likely it has just as many calories as the coke, but at least it doesn't have the caffeine. I had quite the headache for the first few days I laid off the cokes. In fact, today (Tuesday) is the first day I haven't had a headache in ages, I've only had water and crystal lite today. I had cut back on cokes early in October, and every afternoon my head would scream as my brain tried to force me to get back on the caffeine. Didn't manage to do a walk as my knee is hurting. Not sure if I'll get one in tonight as I've a big work project due tomorrow that I need to finish up. I do tend to think better when I walk though, so I'll likely end up doing a few laps around the yard. Haven't yet started the motivation journey, but I did find the book I'm going to do. It's the Dream Journal by Dragon tree. They make a planner with an activity section at the front that gets you to really think about your life goals, then breaks it down into ten years, five, three, one, then one month goals. I plan to order the pdf tonight then get started on the first section tomorrow.

Got married, graduated, and visited Universal Studios. So those are now checked off the list.