RedPandaOne

I obviously can't make this a daily thing. I either forget or get overwhelmed. Anyway, I'm back to weighing myself. I gained 3 pounds on vacation, I've lost 1 pound. I'm trying. This past week I averaged 1400 calories a day. Some days were in the low 1300, some days mid 1600. However, I'm absolutely struggling planning next week! I'm currently sitting at 980 calories a day, and it just seems like so much food! I don't know how to add in another 300 calories in a healthy way. My knee appointment is Wednesday, looking forward to that. Scared he's going to tell me i need surgery. I can't afford surgery, money or time off wise. I'll figure it out when I get to that. I'm happy to say that I haven't taken a laxative or water pill in awhile! Quitting weight watchers was a good call. I don't feel the need to take them with the pressure of a weigh in.

I did okay at the party. Had two mai Tai rum punches, a couple chocolate peanut butter bars, like 6 deviled eggs, and the rest was straight protein. The sugar craving started after I started drinking. Monday was worse. I had starbucks twice. The first chai was pretty much just milk, hardly any chai. So I went for a second and got a cinnamon coffee cake too. One of the baristas even made a comment to the other one about the amount of sugar. First: keep your opinions to yourself until after the customer is gone and can't hear you. Second: remember the first. Anyway, it was a rough day but did actually go grocery shopping. Yesterday back to fully tracking and being better. Calorie intake: 1393 Eggs English muffin Ketchup Cheese Turkey Pepperoni Chai protein shake Sheet pan chicken fajitas Goldfish No exercise. Okay with that. Keeping it minimal until I talk to doctor.

Alright, where did I leave off? I made an appointment with my knee doctor. My knee got so swollen I could barely make it up the stairs to my car in the parking garage on Tuesday. It's not until the 19th. Still waiting on my pool pass at the apartment, will start walking the pool for exercise. I'm also going to do my body weight exercise video but skip the squats and lunges. Food has been...eh. no official tracking so calories unsure: Tuesday: Protein shake Chicken salad with cranberries and grapes Mixed fruit Chai latte kcup Mocha Tuna salad sandwich with fries Wednesday: Protein shake Cheese Ham Salami Triscuits D'Angelo cheeseburger sub - medium Chocolate chip cookie Thursday: Protein shake Chicken caesar wrap with avocado Potato chips Chai latte kcup (2) Turkey meatballs (6) with tzaiki Today: Protein shake Chai latte kcup (1) Turkey sandwich with bacon Grain free pretzels Cheese Salami Chocolate covered almonds (6) I still need to go grocery shopping. That's my plan for this weekend. I feel like I both operate and underate each day. I started uploading pictures from my vacation and saw one picture of me and went "omg, I look horrible!". I'm itching to take the scale out from under the bed. But I don't know if I want to see the number. But I also need to know. I'm torn. Going to my parents for thr weekend. So much sugar temptation there. Will need to be good. Also have a 4th BBQ on Sunday. I should be okay there. I'll most likely OD on my friends deviled eggs. And have a burger. I'll bring my water bottle and stay away from the soda and alcohol.

Alright, did not mean to go MIA for two weeks! Week 1: work project was completed on Monday. All clients signed. But I then spent the rest of the week doing the needed in-house behind the scenes stuff. I also offloaded the training of new person to other people. I just couldn't hand hold her anymore. Week 2: vacation!!!! Week long cruise to Alaska. Such a needed vacation. I did spend the last week drinking. About 4-5 a day. While I ate, I didn't overeat. I may have under ate. It was a lot of pasta and fish. Pasta I don't eat, seafood is low on my likes. A lot of salmon, which I don't like. But I was averaging walking 5k steps a day. If had to go anywhere on the ship and it was within 4 floors, I'd take the stairs. This lasted until the last two days. My knee is done. I can't do stairs easily now, I limp up and down. It feels better rhe more I move. The longer I sit the more it tightens up. I'm going to call the doctor this week. And figure out how I can exercise without messing it up more. Bike? I know a stationary bike was part of my PT after surgery. I stuck my scale under my bed. I don't want to know how much weight I gained during vacation. So to stop me from weighing myself and then feeling like shit, it's going to sit under my bed for an undetermined amount of time. Original plan was until Sunday, but I'm thinking maybe I should hide it for all of July? This week is going to be rough between jetlag and detoxing from the alcohol and sugar. Ugh.

Friday: Calories - 1396 Exercise - none Work still stressful. But project is almost done. Just 5 more clients to sign. Office closed at 4, but I was there until quarter to 5 working. I can't get stuff done until people have left. Hopefully that will all change after Thursday and new person can stop relying on me since I'll be gone for a week. Saturday: No tracking. I meant to, but I was in an absolutely horrible head space. Woke up feeling....just down. My friends hurt my feelings back in April, I know they know, but I'm not 100%. So I was going to text them my feelings instead of waiting to talk to them when I see them late August. Sent it to a friend who is outside of the whole situation and she talked me out of it. But I spent the whole day just crying and feeling absolutely miserable. Woke up today and it's like yesterday never happened! I think my work stress just transposed onto that personal situation. Anyway, just kinda chilling today. Started packing for my vacation. I'm definitely overpacked. Now to figure out what I can take out.

So yesterday: Exercise: nope. Surprise, Surprise Calories: unknown I'm going to guess around 1500? Breakfast and lunch were my planned for the week. Dinner was leftovers from Tuesday dinner. I go to a pub every Tuesday and my standard is a powerbowl. It's a cheeseburger patty on a large bed of salad. They messed it up this time and gave me a different one that also had deli turkey. I have no idea how many calories it is. So I had the other half last night. Today: Again no exercise. BUT my knee is suddenly feeling so much better. Tuesday I was trying to stretch it out some. Walked backwards a bit too. Felt something pop, but in a good way? Yesterday I worked from home and kept it elevated and stretched out. Today it felt great! Calories I'm at; 1256. Even at a low number, I feel like I'm constantly eating. I took a risk and weighed myself tonight. No additional weight gain. I'm still super stressed. I called a couple coworkers yesterday and apologized for my tone and if I had snapped at them. New person is leaning heavy on me to train her and I just don't have the time! I never stay late, and I've been staying after 5 every day for a week now. It's the only time I can get my own work done. Tried going in early on Tuesday but of course it was the day traffic decided to be horrible. So leaving 20 minutes early got me to work on time. But so far no stress weight gain.

I need to call my knee doctor. I think I've definitely done something to it. Was kneeling on the floor this morning and I couldn't sit back on my heels without feeling my knee pull and be in pain. I think I can hula hoop without bothering it? I haven't hooped in years. I stopped when my stomach issue (possible IBS-C, but hated the doctor so didn't get past the first appointment to confirm his suspicion). When it flairs I get a pain in my abdomen and the hula hoop hit right in that spot and made it 10x worse. I even ending up puking after just a few spins hitting it once. I also bought one of those smart hoops during the pandemic and might try that again instead of a regular one. Also searching for some pool exercises I can do that i want to do. Today's food (and pretty much this entire week): Protein shake Banana Chicken salad (1 cup) Sugar free chai with cinnamon Chicken sausage with bell peppers (4.5 oz combined) Couscous (1/4 cup) Colby jack cheese (2oz) Turkey Pepperoni (10 slices) Calories: 1273 Exercise: none

I weighed myself even though I said I wouldn't. I regret it, but also don't. I gained 4 pounds this week! Now I know that being in the 1700 range with no exercise means I gain a crap ton.

So I'm still stressed. But the project at work is 70% done. I think we'll have it done by end of next week. It's going to suck, but it will be great to be done with it. I'm not really stress eating, but I have had more alcohol the last 4 days than I have had in the last 4 months. I don't drink much. There are two times I drink: 1) on vacation 2) while stressed. I might be skipping weigh in this week. One less stress. Calories today: 1713 Workout: strength training Protein shake Deviled eggs Cobb salad starbucks chai latte - venti Peanut butter chocolate chips I like that Mulan based one, but something about it is messing with my bad knee. Had my ACL replaced back in....2003-ish. Maybe 2002. Anyway, that knee has been hurting. I might need to skip leg days for a while. I did a different one today. I'll link it below. Pool at the apartment opened this past weekend. I might try to find some exercises to do in the pool. Laps bore me.

Forgot to post yesterday. No exercise Calorie count: 1585 Protein shake Egg cups Mixed fruit Chicken salad Mexican meatloaf Broccoli Protein snack pack Chai "latte" I was super stressed yesterday and I'm proud of myself for not stress eating! I think it's because I didn't have time to eat. The counselor I'm interim assistant for is keeping me busy and is freaking out that I'm going on vacation in 3 weeks. The project I'm helping him with is due by June 30th, but he wants it done before I leave. Which, on one hand would be awesome if I can go on vacation and not have to come back to helping him. But man, I can see why his assistant quit and he's being on good behavior with me. Today: Again no exercise Calories: 1453 Egg cups Chicken salad Frozen chai protein shake Mexican meatloaf Protein snack pack Carb smart chocolate ice cream I ran out of broccoli. And I had acid reflux at lunch so skipped the fruit so not to aggravate it more. But just now realizing I didn't have any fruits or veggies today, oops! Worked from home today. Early office closing for the long weekend and I woke up still stressed. Morning was slow and I started to feel a little better, but I think I started to have a panic attack this afternoon, I started getting a pressure on the center of my chest. It didn't go away until after I shut down my computer and phone for the day knowing the counselor couldn't contact me. And it started around the time we had a meeting to go over open items. I honestly don't think I was supposed to take over the day to day work, only this one project, but somehow I started being given and doing the day to day. I can do this, only 4 more business days until his new official assistant starts. Hopefully she can handle him and lasts.... I just need this weekend to destress and I think I'm going to do just that!

Today's calories comes in at: 1544 Protein shake Homemade chicken salad 2 cups mixed fruit Mexican meatloaf Broccoli Sugar free chai "latte" (all water no dairy) Protein snack pack thing (cheese and mini turkey sausage) Peanut butter mixed with chocolate chips I usually work out on Wednesday but had to move my chiropractor appointments to Wednesday. I work from home on this day and traffic from work is getting absolutely horrendous. The chiropractor is 5 minutes from my apartment so it just works better. I'm trying not to feel guilty about the Peanut butter and chocolate chips. Before it I was barely just above 1200 calories and I was still hungry. I wanted a dessert type so I went with that because honestly it's really the only dessert I have in my place. It was delicious and I'm no longer hungry so I'm taking it as a win.

I am, and I would love the recommendation! Thank you. It would be nice to work with someone who understands.

I go out Tuesday nights and play trivia with friends at a pub. So on the harder side to eat healthy. Work is also still providing food trucks on Tuesdays this month, today was a famous grilled cheese place. They were also offering free smoothies to help promote the gym that's being redone. It'll be free and open on the 5th. I signed up for access. Not sure if I actually want to workout with coworkers, but nice to have the option. Picture of my day

I did workout today after work. Had settled on that I wasn't going to, but once I ate and rested a bit I got the energy to do so.

Today was meal prep day! Went grocery shopping and then spent about 3 hours making everything. I prepped: Ham, egg, and cheese cups Chicken salad Mexican meatloaf I forgot to pick something up to eat for dinner so I ended up with take out. I wanted a burger, so I got Smashburger. Food wise today was: 2 scrambled eggs Raisin English muffin Cheese w/turkey Pepperoni Sugar free chai protein shake frozen Banana with peanut butter Smashburger (single) w/smashfries Rum and coke No exercise. My knee was still super tight this morning, limped out of the apartment heading to the store. And then I was just done with the day by the time I finished cooking. I'm debating on moving my workouts to the mornings or keep them after work. I might give it a try tomorrow. It'll free up time to do errands after work, but it's actually getting up and doing it. I'm not a morning person at all. I need an alarm to make sure I'm up before 10am.

No actual tracking today. Weekends are rough calories wise. I'm either way too low or too high. I sleep late on weekends so I'm usually eating breakfast between 10-11am. Getting 3 meals in is difficult. But then I also have days like today where my friend had a party and I graze my way through the night. I don't feel stuffed or uncomfortably full, but I didn't need to eat both a slice of chocolate cake and peanut butter square bars. I made the bars, I know how much sugar is in them! But they are my friends favorite so I make them for her. They are also delicious 😋 No exercise today. It's raining and humid and my knees don't like this weather. But so glad for the rain. The pollen has been so horrible my eyes were burning all week. Tomorrow I might do something light. I also kinda want to learn how to use a light saber and a bo staff. So I might search YouTube for some lessons. I also need to go grocery shopping. Hate grocery shopping. But I think my meals for next week are going to be: Breakfast: Protein shake Ham and cheese egg cups Lunch: Chicken salad Dinner: Mexican meatloaf Broccoli I need something else to go with lunch. This right now gets me up to 1244 calories for a day. Don't know if I want to go fruit or veggies with lunch.

I definitely believe you can be healthier and heavier. I'm just not happy not necessarily how I look, but how I fit in things. Like, the chairs at my hairdressers are snug. I want to be able to go to an amusement park and know I can fit on all the rides. I want to go on vacation and do horse back riding tours and not worry about exceeding the weight limit. I had to pass on that recently because I was above by just 5 pounds. I also want my knees and back to stop hurting. I want to walk up the 4 flights of stairs to my office and not be winded. I've heard of intuitive eating, but don't know anything about it. I'm assuming it's more like listening to your body? I'll have to check it out. I've been thinking about reaching back out to my old therapist. I tried a couple years ago, but she didn't accept the insurance I had so I couldn't afford to go back. But I've since changed jobs/insurance and I think it's something she takes. Even back then (2016) I know she saw signs of distorted eating, we talked about it a little. So I think she could help. I am short. I'm somewhere between 5'2 and 5'3. I feel like I shrink every time I go to the doctor, lol. But my posture sucks so I'm sure it's actually that. For how long I've been in a calorie deficit? For sure since February of 2021. So 2 years? I'd say off and on leading up to that. But I started MediWeight Loss in Feb of 2021, and that's when the severe deficit started that triggered the distorted habits. I've since stopped, but joined Weight Watchers but just canceled that. It wasn't helping me either. I know 1200 is the recommended bare minimum. I calculated my TDEE awhile back and I think it was 1600 or 1700. But it's just a chore at this time to make sure I actually reach 1200! I think I'm having a good day, input my calories and I'll be barely over 1,000. So I have to go scrounging for something else to eat. But then I have days like today. Was at a party and indulged in some chocolate cake, peanut butter bars, and hawaiian meatballs and I know I'm pushing 2,000 or more. Overall I think stopping having weekly weigh ins with someone else is going to help. Just doing it for myself it better. If I don't feel like weighing in one week I won't. I won't feel like I'm disappointing someone else if I don't weigh in or if there's no weight loss. Less stress. Doing it for me and no one else!

Thank you! This community really helped me last time, I'm happy to be back!

Mentally today was better. I don't feel as defeated as I did yesterday. I planned out my day, but didn't freak out when it didn't pan out. I just readjusted. Snack was going to be cheese and turkey Pepperoni, but kept those in my lunch bag and didn't touch them. I also did like half the amount of cream cheese I normally would. Bagels really just are a reason to eat cream cheese! Today should have been a Weight Watchers weigh in day, but I canceled my membership earlier in the week. The weigh ins were too triggering. If it's just me in my bathroom I'm fine, but when it's someone else seeing my weight and I can tell they were judging, it makes me want to take the water pills or laxatives. So, I'm done with WW. Also, following their points, I don't eat enough calories. First week I hit my daily points but was still hungry. Tracked calories and hadn't hit 1,000. So I started tracking both. Which seems redundant. Anyway for today: Calories: 1753 Exercise: 32 minutes (warm up, full body, cool down) Links to exercises:

Can I post pictures directly in? Let's see. Please let me know if I need to resize, I'm posting from my phone. Today's calories: 1244 Exercise: none I hate that I made myself two mochas today. But I'm craving everything right now. I could eat everything in sight. Pretty sure this is PMS munchies. Off to put in my night guard so I don't eat the 3 cupcakes in my freezer.

TW: ED talk Welcome to my daily log. Here I'm going to post: Daily meals with calories Exercise Overall how I'm feeling in my journey My overall goal is to just get healthier. I'm currently recovering from an undiagnosed but kinda evident ED. Which one, I dunno. But for 2 years apparently I was at max eating only about 950 calories a day on top of working out. I'm going to fix that. Daily goal: eat no less than 1200 calories I think I want to be around 1400-1500 Weekly goals: Have only 1 pepsi/sugary drink a week some sort of light exercise 3 days a week That's it for right now while I get into a better head space. I'm spiraling a little, but I know I need to post somewhere to help get myself back. So, thank you in advance for being here, whether you post or lurk!

Now that I post the title, I'm not sure if I was actually active when I first changed my username. But I was an active rebel back around 2012ish under a different username. Anyway, I'm back! First: trigger warning for some ED talk Backstory time: I've always been overweight, even as a child. My first diet started in middle school drinking SlimFast for breakfast. My mom thought she was doing right, I can't be too mad at her. High school graduation and I'm weighing in around 215 pounds. I'm 5'3. I go on weight watchers and lose weight and get down to 175 in 7 months! I kept if off for 10 years, weight fluctuating from 152 to 180 during then, but my average was around 175. Anyway, que 2015 and I'm keeping steady, going to the gym 4 times a week for a hour and I randomly start to gain weight. And the weight keeps coming on until 2021. No matter what I do, I can't stop gaining weight: weights watchers a couple times, Noom, sparkpeople, working with a weight clinic and put on appetite suppressants. Still gaining weight, just now always nauseous and/or having hot flashes. In 2021 I signed up for mediweight loss and lost 25 pounds! Yay! Then I started to loose hair. Then I started to gain the weight back while still on the program. Yea...turns out I was at max eating roughly 950 calories a day. My body was fighting back. We won't even get into the bad habits of taking water pills and laxatives a day or two before appointments to help the scale go down. I've now gained all the weight back. I'm currently sitting at 231 pounds. I am not happy. I'm overweight, fighting an undiagnosed ED, and just want to be healthy. So I'm here hoping to get back on the right track. I'm tracking calories to make sure at bare minimum I actually eat 1200 calories a day. Some days, like today, is a struggle to eat up to that and not dig into the sugar to reach the number. I'm also trying to get stronger, I do light strength training with 5 pound hand weights and some body weight exercises. While I want to lose weight, I mostly think I want to lose inches and just be healthy! So I'll be starting a daily log. Please come by for encouragement. I sometimes get overwhelmed with social media, so I apologize in advance if I'm not as active on others posts. I lurk a lot, so know I'm also here cheering everyone else on!

Still frustrating I can't get the app to work. Oh well. Saturday night I moved back to my parents until at least April 7 (when MA thinks they can reopen businesses). All last week I was kind of randomly breaking out crying. Saturday was the worst. I slept most of the day, cleaned for about 2 hours, and just kept on crying. At 8pm I finally called my parents in tears and they came up and got me. I was having some sort of attack. I've been better since being here, however my mom has so many goodies in the house! If the scale is right, I've gained 2 pounds in 4 days. Oops. Bad news: I forgot to pack any workout clothes Good news: I did not let it stop me. I grabbed a bra, have set it aside just for working out, and worked out this morning in just that and my underwear. Got in half an hour of dance fitness. So goal of exercising at least once a week complete! Now to go above and beyond it!

Dinner last night was better. Had an egg salad sandwich and a protein shake. Not sure if it counts as my exercise goal but I did go for a half hour walk. Played POGO and walked down to the town square and back. I wanted to post a map, but the app isn't working on my phone for some reason. I'll try uninstalling it. It's currently raining so not sure if I'm going to be able to get outside today. One thing I have noticed is that my ankle hurts. Several years ago I twisted it when at a job fair in Boston. Fell a couple times while walking around the mall it was held in (I blame the marble/tile floors, melted snow and heels). It's usually only hurt when I've tried to roller skate or wear high heels. But lately it's been after I've done some walking. Did a couple blocks in Boston two weeks ago and then after my walk last night. It's still actually a little sore this morning still. I'm hoping that by moving it more again I can make it go away. I had a friend who thought she just sprained her ankle and after several years of on and off pain had to have surgery to fix it (she had done more damage initially than thought). I hope that's not me.

Like most I am working for home until told otherwise. And it is horrible for my eating. All I want to do is eat. And I bought junk food when I went shopping. Yesterday and today I ate the two individual stuffed crust pizzas I bought (been craving cheese). Also ate an entire package of chocolate covered pretzels (two days), and now working on raisinets. I honestly never buy this stuff, and try to only eat it when I go to the movies as a treat. I've also lost count on how many pepsi's I've had. So much junk in the last three days. Going to my parents would help, but they are on the older side and I don't want to be the one to get them sick. Hopefully after work I can convince myself to go for a walk. And I will have a healthy dinner and eat better starting tomorrow.