momburntdinner

So, Nope, haven't been around much. I was feeling down for a bit because last week, I jammed my toe on my coffee table. I hit it SO HARD and at JUST THE RIGHT ANGLE that It ripped off my toenail and fractured my bone. I tried to deny the fact it was broken, but over the course of a week it became obscenely obvious that it was broken. 2 days ago I made the mistake of trying to put on sneakers and go to the gym. OH HEEEEELLLLL no. So that made me feel incredibly bad. I can't do any cardio and I can't go to the gym to lift. I'm left with my dumb bells at home with no shoes on, and it's getting to me. I never thought that I would miss working out but when I CAN'T... I DO. On the plus side, I've met some new friends. My friend Andrew goes to school with this girl A. Apparently A knows everyone or works with everyone, and we figured out via A that we both knew a mutual friend named D. I've known D for about a year. So D has 2 kids (4&6) and then his roommate/girlfriend/??? S has a little boy who is 6. The past 2 Saturdays my boyfriend has had to close (doesn't get off until 10 PM) so Andrew and I have gone over to hang out with the "group." And I have to admit, hanging out with a group is fun. I missed socializing in groups of more than 3 people... it's a fun time. That's been uplifting my spirits lately, especially since yesterday I took my daughter over impromptu to meet S's son, L. It's hard for my daughter to meet friends. I don't know why, I mean she has friends but she never invites them over, or whatnot. Anyway, they got along, L showed my daughter his year book, they played on his iPad and colored and then D and S made spaghetti and we all ate. I mean, I don't know. In a way I feel like I'm intruding... but D has always invited me over and always tells me I'm welcome in his house. I think the years of "not being allowed" to have friends causes me to over think these situations. Some random Pictures!

So, maybe it's time to switch up my goals. I don't know. My muscles are awesome. My arms look nice and muscle-y (hehe) and my legs are getting better. And I love lifting. For this, I'm happy. I'm happy even though I usually can't dfind the time to get to the gym 3x/week... yeah it's just not working out between work, school, my kid, etc. And despite being happy, I'm still realistic... even though I know I'm replacing fat with muscle, I do need to drop this excess weight. I wish this were as simple as calories in vs. calories out but for me, it isn't. I am showing a deficit DAILY. I should be losing at the very least a pound a week. I really want a bike. I've been eyeing up craigslist to try and find one to try out for maybe $50. I so don't need to spend $1,000 right now on one! But yeah. I can see myself bike riding. Things with the gym and cardio will get better over the summer. My ex husband and I are doing one week on with my daughter, one week off. So on those off weeks I have no excuse not to go. A lot.

No, I didn't row crew... I went to art school and I'm pretty sure the most active thing we did was haul rocks to carve.

Finally got my ex-husband's name off my back!! Before and after. So happy. It hurt. It hurt A LOT and it STILL HURTS. The artist said it's because with cover ups, you really have to hammer in the ink so the previous tattoo is covered. I was bleeding like crazy and it a lot of pain. now it feels like someone burnt me with an iron. I probably didn't help that I went to the gym today and did arms and back. He also touched up my one foot tattoo and touched up the star I have on my ankle. Then we decided to put my daughter's (Sophia) name above the star so she was still on me.

I can't dye my hair "unnatural colors" or have any facial piercings, visible tattoos, etc. But my kid is only 7 so why not let her dye it while she's young? I'm already the youngest mom at that school.. I swear all the other moms and dads are 35-40. I'm 29, and always feel awkward at assemblys and the like. So now I'm the young mom that lets her kid dye her hair purple as well! Oh, social stigmas... Speaking of tattoos, Right before my divorce (of course) I got a tattoo on my back with my ex-husband's and daughter's name. Stupid, I know.. but anyway, Originally, I went back to the guy who did the original tattoo, because he did a great job. But when I went in to have a consult to have it covered up, he blew me off. He basically looked at it, said "get it lasered" and gave me the card of someone who does tat removal. He didn't sketch anything on me, or even consider helping me out. When I went into another artist, he had a picture of my tat printed out, and drew right over it to show me what could be done. Honestly, it took him 15 minutes to come up with the perfect way to get rid of it. HAPPY DANCE.

I hope all the mother's out there had a good mother's day. Mine was laid back and uneventful (which is good!) My ex-husband had our daughter until Sunday afternoon... so Friday night my boyfriend took me out to dinner for Mother's Day, (he worked Saturday and Sunday) gave me a teddy bear that said "number 1 mom," a handwritten letter, and a Doctor Who bracelet. We went to a thrift store, and relaxed. It was very sweet. I didn't feel great Saturday, so the day consisted of dying my hair, sleeping, cleaning, and sleeping. Sunday morning before he left for work my boyfriend made me breakfast in bed. I got up, and got a haircut to go with my new dye job. I went to Target and bought a bathing suit. I got Starbucks, and brought some to my boy at his work. I came home and worked out with my dumbbells. My ex dropped my daughter off around 3:00, they stayed for a bit and then she gave me a card... after they left, we dyed her hair purple (it's been a rainbow of colors.) When my boyfriend got home from work around 5, he made us dinner on the grill; sausages, hot dogs, hamburgers and veggies. After the kiddo went to bed, we relaxed and watched Archer for a while before sleep. Sidenote: I took this picture to see how I looked in my bathing Suit... holy crap! I've got guns! That wasn't even flexing

Here are some pictures from D.C. I totally spaced and forgot to post some. I also got THESEEEEEE off CL as I said... they are totally awesome. I wish the weights went up a little higher, but hey...for $25 I can't argue plus that's what the gym is for, right? These are for off-gym days; butterflies, rows, etc.

If you go into MFP, under cardio, you can add"strength training". I don't know how much BBWW is strength training though, I skipped it and started going to the gym to lift. But it's a thought. You could get a heart rate monitor and log from that?

I"m skipping this one... my body is all sorts of different because of my bypass surgery. But GO OTHER PEOPLE!!! YAY!!!

There were more, exciting (not) monetarily draining occurrences in my life yesterday. I took my car in to get inspected. It's a 2012 Subaru Forester and it only has 17,500 miles on it. At the end of everything, it cost me $410. I wound up needing 2 new front tires. I have NO IDEA how that even happens at 17K... but I assume it's because instead of going to the garage I love and trust, I took my car to Meineke and they fucked me over. I paid for my inspection last year, an oil change, and a tire rotation. When my awesome (I will never NOT go back to this guy) man went to inspect my car, not only did I need new tires because apparently THEY DIDN'T ROTATE THEM, but there was also NO OIL in my car AT ALL. That could have EASILY fried my engine, and I am lucky that my engine was fine. In addition to this, the last oil change I had was from MEINEKE and there was, for some reason, a Pep Boys filter part on it. THAT IS SHADY. My garage guy thinks they either shafted me on oil (charged me for 5 quarts, only put in 2) or maybe didn't change it AT ALL. THE ACTUAL FUCK. But I digress. My boyfriend and I had the day off together yesterday, so he followed me to the shop where I dropped my car off. We hit some thrift stores and the antique mall, then I got the news about my car so he took me to pick it up. I was supposed to meet Andrew at the gym at 2:30. I didn't want to go. Oh, HELL NO, I didn't want to go. But I did, damnit. I got there late, so he was only there to spot me on bench press and do ab work with me. (P.S. my abs = ow) But I stayed after he left and did more... triceps pull down seated row, bicep curls, hip adduction, leg press. And I did all of them with a LOT of reps and consistently with no breaks focusing on form, so by the end of the circuit I was sweaty and it felt like a good workout. I didn't run. I didn't bike or anything... but at least I got there and lifted. And today I'm getting these off a woman on Craigslist for $25. So, We'll see how that goes at home. There are tons of exercises to do at home, it's the ACTUALLY DOING THEM part that gets me.

I don't feel good about myself AT ALL right now. Out of ALL my goals that I set up for myself, the only thing I am getting 100% on is taking the stairs at work. I weight exactly the same as four weeks ago. I only went to the gym ONCE this week (Tuesday.) If I was busy to the point where I couldn't go, I would feel okay with that fact. But I had PLENTY of time to go at least once more. I had PLENTY of time to go for a jog, or do arm exercises with weights or bands, or anything and I didn't do anything. This week I fail, and it feels horrible. It feels horrible to the point where I feel like giving up. I know that I want/need to make exercise a priority in my life, but that hasn't gotten through my thick skull yet. Maybe my goals need to be altered to reflect a non weight-related goal. I'm not losing. I eat a caloric deficit and I eat 80% healthy; protein and healthy fats and carbs from veggies. I log 5/7 days of the week. I may not do high impact cardio as many days as I want to, but I do get out and move. Numbers. Numbers are frustrating. And numbers wouldn't be frustrating if I felt the difference in my clothing; pants fitting looser, shirts looking better, sweaters fitting looser; none of this. If ANYTHING, my pants feel TIGHTER. I. Am. FRUSTRATED. One night last week I completely broke down from feeling like a failure in every sense of my life. I literally sat on the floor of Shawn's office and sobbed until I finally had a panic attack about being a bad mom. That's a whole 'nother ballgame, but everything was getting to me and it all came out at once. I think I freaked Shawn (boyfriend) out a bit. Being the spectator to someone's panic attack is never fun. It's my own fault and now I need a kick in the ass to get back on track. It's just so frustrating, and I don't think if I'm alone that I will get back on track.

I don't feel good about myself AT ALL right now. Out of ALL my goals that I set up for myself, the only thing I am getting 100% on is taking the stairs at work. I weight exactly the same as two weeks ago. I only went to the gym ONCE this week (Tuesday.) If I was busy to the point where I couldn't go, I would feel okay with that fact. But I had PLENTY of time to go at least once more. I had PLENTY of time to go for a jog, or do arm exercises with weights or bands, or anything and I didn't do anything. This week I fail, and it feels horrible. It feels horrible to the point where I feel like giving up. I know that I want/need to make exercise a priority in my life, but that hasn't gotten through my thick skull yet. Maybe my goals need to be altered to reflect a non weight-related goal. I'm not losing. I eat a caloric deficit and I eat 80% healthy; protein and healthy fats and carbs from veggies. I log 5/7 days of the week. I may not do high impact cardio as many days as I want to, but I do get out and move. Numbers. Numbers are frustrating. And numbers wouldn't be frustrating if I felt the difference in my clothing; pants fitting looser, shirts looking better, sweaters fitting looser; none of this. If ANYTHING, my pants feel TIGHTER. I. Am. FRUSTRATED. One night last week I completely broke down from feeling like a failure in every sense of my life. I literally sat on the floor of Shawn's office and sobbed until I finally had a panic attack about being a bad mom. That's a whole 'nother ballgame, but everything was getting to me and it all came out at once. I think I freaked Shawn out a bit. Being the spectator to someone's panic attack is never fun. But enough complaining. It's my own fault and now I need a kick in the ass to get back on track. It's just so frustrating, and I don't think if I'm alone that I will get back on track. Let's just recap the weekend. Friday, my ex husband picked up my daughter, and had her for the weekend. FREE OF A CHILD! Friday was one of the anticipated gym days. I worked until 5 but then decided to go see The Amazing Spiderman 2 with Andrew instead. Fail 1. Saturday, (I was guilty of some delusions of grandeur regarding this weekend.) I WAS going to get up super early, hit yard sales/ thrift shops with Shawn before work, head over to the gym for about a 40 minute workout, then go to Lowe's to get supplies to paint/upcycle my wooden desk, and then build my terrarium. Instead, we got up at 10, went to a couple yard sales and Goodwill and then back home until 1, when Shawn had to go to work. I had from 1-10 to do something productive. Instead of kicking my ass to go to the gym, I took a nap. Then my mother called and I had totally forgotten about my sister's "trunk show" for her jewelry business. I was intending on skipping it, but apparently everyone was asking where I was, and I was ABSOLUTELY guilt-ed into going. So, from 3:30-6 I was there, supporting my sister. Which don't get me wrong, I love her, and support her but mehhh. 3 hours on a Saturday was a lot. After the show I could have gone to the gym, but again, didn't. I went to a local comic store for free comic day, went to the pet store for more plants for my betta fish, headed to Lowe's to get my terrarium supplies, then hit a couple of thrift stores. I didn't come home with any spray paint, supplies, or desire to paint my desk anymore. Sunday. Perfect day to make up for no exercise, right? No. Woke up at 7AM to hit a local Flea Market. Not going to lie, it was awesome. I only spend like $20 but I came home with a Popples lunchbox, a Strawberry Shortcake Lunchbox with Thermos, A David Bowie diamond dogs record, 13 comics, some action figures, and a hanging plant. I did kick on an app on my phone and I did walk 3.7 miles at the market. Only exercise ever. Got finished there around 10:30, went to Starbucks, picked up tea for Shawn (he has tonsillitis went to an overpriced consignment shop, and then to a reasonable priced consignment shop and picked up a table I'd been searching for, then came home. At home I started ribs in the oven. I did 2 loads of laundry, and cleaned. Cleaned. Cleaned. Vacuumed, dusted, wiped, swept. Andrew invited me to the gym at 5, but at that point my ex had not yet dropped Sophie off (and I didn't know what time he was coming) plus Shawn wasn't home from work yet. Plus I had ribs cooking. So about 6:15 my ex dropped Sophie off, Shawn got home, the ribs finished cooking and were promptly eaten, we put Sophie to bed after some family time, then set off to hang and fold and put away ALL THE CLOTHING that was overtaking our bedroom. So now, our bedroom is nice and neat, vacuumed, sorted, organized... and I still didn't go to the gym. Of course by this time it was 9:30 and I gave up. I watched Archer for an hour, then went to bed. And now it's today. And I'm going to admit something. I feel intense guilt about going to the gym to workout, hell, even going for a jog if it means leaving Shawn alone with Sophie. Mainly because Sophie is not Shawn's responsibility. Rational me knows he doesn't mind; they get along great and really, I'd be gone for like an hour; REASONABLE. But this is where the guilt stems from: 9 years of being with my ex-husband. 9 years of being made feel guilty if I did ANYTHING without him; going out with friends, going to the gym, hell, even spending time with my FAMILY if it didn't include him. And of course, this is over. Shawn is not my ex. Shawn encourages me to go do things on my own, or with Andrew, and I gladly do if he's at work or Sophie isn't home. But yeah, if it involves me leaving him "babysitting" Sophie, I feel like I am pushing a burden on him. I know it all doesn't make any sense. I wonder if that guilt will ever go away. How do you erase 9 years of a negative feeling pushed upon you?

Yes! I went to the specialty running store BigM googled for me (Inside Track) and the guy had me do a bunch of walking to watch my gait and then talked a lot about proper lacing techniques. After about an hour, I wound up with Brooks Dymo (I believe it's dymo... maybe Dyno?) and 3 pairs of Zulu running socks. Everything is AWESOME... it makes SO MUCH difference!