Razzy

Thank you luv. It's kinda made me worried about what's going to happen next, you know? All I can do is pray and soldier on.

He went REALLY fast. Within 3 hours from showing his first symptoms. Vet said it was gastric torsion but I was worried he ate something toxic in the back yard. Infuriatingly, the vet refused to confirm his diagnoses via X-Ray.

And he didn't just say 'no, I can't be arsed to do it.' No. He said that the stomach would not show up on an X-Ray. Good for 'bones only.' Like I'm some kind of fucking idiot. Oh, I asked if he could take some bloodwork, just to see if there are toxins or acids in the blood. He said that wasn't possible to show anything like that, that it's only possible in a CSI show.

Totally blew me off. We have 5 other dogs. If he did ingest something poisonous in the yard, they are at risk too. But no. I'm young and a woman and I don't know shit. You can't diagnose anything from looking at a dead dog and that's what he did. Bastard.

It's just really bitter.

I don't quite know how to start this.

I haven't been on in months because god the stress. It'll be the death of me. So much has happened and I only recently found time to breathe. The last month and a half has been as stressful, if not more so, than school. I never thought that possible. I am drowning in tomatoes, for one. I must've gotten 20lbs of cherry tomatoes alone. They are excellent for cooking -- just weigh out 28 ounces (two cans worth) and blenderize them a bit. They add a ton of additional flavor you can't get in a can.

So let's see. Last week I was in the hospital for internal bleeding from a ruptured cyst. Haven't been able to exercise since then until my checkup on Monday. It's extremely frustrating. My first day out of the hospital, I was in the garden. I must've reopened the bleed cuz man was I tired and weak and felt like death. A hard sleep fixed me up so I haven't pushed it again.

On Wednesday, my dog Shadow -- a Great Dane/Black Lab mix who weighed in 145lbs (bigger than me) -- died in my arms. He'd been drooling and lethargic and had shallow breathing earlier that day. When he threw up all the water he'd drunk, we tried to get him to the vet. A friend swung by on his way home from school to help us lift him into the car. But we couldn't lift him,, couldn't get a grip. We went to get a blanket to roll him onto. That's when he stopped breathing.

His back arched and legs stiffened like a Halloween cat. Squeezed his bowel out, too. I could still feel his heart beating and kept rubbing his back, begging him to breathe. He made a few horrible gasping, gagging sounds. And a minute later, he was gone.

I'm so sorry baby. We should've moved faster. I should've been stronger. I'm so sorry, Shadow. I miss you.

So, further news.

My dietary ambitions are spiraling out of control. I'm on that 'evening sugar hook' and it's really freaking balls to try and kick. However, I've been subsisting mostly on salad since the loose leaf lettuce in the garden is getting so huge that eating it has become top priority. >_> We're about... a third of the way through the row. Every time there's a pool or birthday part, I get the BIGGEST bowl I have and fill it up. I'm desperate.

However, great news on the mole situation! This is a good story. *settles in*

Okay so, I was out one morning, not long after my last post, and had finished trampling down some tunnels. I was swearing a lot because they were determined  to go right under many of the squash plants. Squash have delicate roots, you can't screw with them. It's why you have to grow them from seed, because 8/10 times the transplant shock kills them. (Now you know.) Then I heard rustling. I thought it might be the wind flapping the plastic mulch I'd laid down. So I stared. And no wind... and the plastic was moving.

I stabbed the shit out of it with my pitchfork. Then I RAN and got my garden trowels and peeled back the plastic to see if I'd gotten the bugger. And what do you know -- I hadn't hurt him at all. But he was still there and I plucked him out of the ground. (Now, bear in mind, earlier that morning, I'd gotten a mole in a trap not 20 minutes ago.)

So I took the little bastard to my mom and said, "HEY MOM, WANNA SEE A LIVE MOLE! 8D'

I've got pictures, I'll have to upload them for you guys. It was great. So we took a photo op and then it began -- the debate. How to dispose of the squirming beast? I looked at my parents. I Looked at my brother. and I said, "How about a brick? Or hell, I'll just kill it with my trowel."

My mom had this look on her face and told me not to do it on her porch. So I took the little vermin over to the driveway, grabbed him by a hind foot and plopped him down on the gravel drive. He started digging for about an instant before I pounded his skull in with one good sharp whack of the flat of my garden trowel. Boom. Dead.

I was gleeful, i won't lie. I didn't regret a damn thing. Little bastard dug into the wrong damn garden, didn't he, that bastard!?

But it gets better!

So I figured out how to attract them, right? They're drawn to damp ground. That's where their food goes. So I stamped down tunnels around my tomatoes (which is now a forest, by the way) and watered them thoroughly. I came back after half an hour, knelt down with my trowels, and just waited. Patiently. Quietly.

After 15 minutes, I saw movement. I stabbed a trowel behind him so he couldn't run. Stabbed a trowel in front of him. Then I started digging like mad. And I plucked ANOTHER mole out of the ground with my gloved hands. I'm sure my evil cackle is what drove all the dogs inside to cower under tables and chairs and huddle in laps for protection.

I got another picture with my prey, then bashed his head in too on the driveway. Dumped him in a little box with the other two. I went back and waited again but after 30 mins, nothing. It was late, time for dinner, so I decided to pack it in.

As I was walking back....I saw a FRESH tunnel near the squash, one I'd stomped down earlier that day. And as I watched, it grew an inch. The mole was right in there. Well... you know my procedure by now. Two trowels, digging, and I had me a mole in hand. I sang God's praises to the evening sky that day! Driveway, head bash, fourth dead mole of the day. Third one I'd caught by hand.

The next day I planted marigolds all over and while one mole has sniffed around the watermelons, hasn't come back. I think the flowers really do work at dissuading them from coming in. The next morning, i got another mole in the trap as well. It's been pretty quiet since then. I feel I should add that all my research says only 1-2 moles should be in ONE ACRE of land. My dying ass, 1-2 moles. So far, I've counted up seven. 5 of them are dead!

But yeah, that was most joyous. Also got my first flush of squash the other day. Interestingly, there is a hybrid volunteer in the back. It's definitely a yellow sqush - zucchini hybrid. The squash is yellow green, I mean it's a dead giveaway.

Also, the Sweet 100 cherry tomatoes? the ones that people put in pots on their porches and get about 18 inches tall? How nice. I have 4 of them. The little tag thing says to plant them 12-24 inches apart. *tsk*

Uh huh. I learned last year that those things are dirty liars. So I planted them four feet apart in every direction. They are now growing into each other's multiple cages and one of them is up to my neck in height. It's easily 4 feet tall. And I thought they would die cuz they're planted in heavy clay soil! SILLY ME!

I'm going to be drowning in tomatoes. O_O

But anyway, that's the scoop so far. Finally getting the vegetable flush and hopefully that'll help my diet out a bit. The other day I had three salads. Two for dinner, one for after when I got hungry again. xD I have a lot of salad.

ORazor, I have not, but I asked around and my future brother in law has the books! 8D He loaned them to me a day or so ago.

So, long time no post.

Sorry. I'm getting shit at that and not much I can say about it at this point. Food log has stopped, I'm not sure why... it's just... god my fucking brain. I'm exhausted every day.

But updates? Sure I have updates.

My big, gorgeous, beautiful garden this year is WONDERFUL! I used plastic mulch -- which really, everyone should use. Did you know plastic mulch increases harvest up to DOUBLE? Seriously. Keeps weeds down, keeps bugs off, keeps dirty off (a la disease), keeps the soil warm and has better water retention! It's great! Of course, you can't BUY IT ANYWHERE. Two weeks ago I hit 5 stores looking for plastic mulch. Bada nooch. Zip. Zilch. Zero. NOTHING.

Oh but they have the expensive-as-whale-balls landscape fabric! Which is only good for flower beds, it's meant to last 15 years... OH OH OH AND the expensive-as-chimp-meat 'recycled rubber mulch!'

No you dumb fucks, I don't want this super green healthy earth SHIT. I WANT PLASTIC MULCH. THE KIND FARMERS HAVE BEEN USING FOR DECADES, YOU IDIOTIC BASTARDS. You can't find it anywhere. NOWHERE. It's great, it's cheap, and it's GONE. We gotta be all fucking green now. It ain't like you CAN'T RECYCLE THE SHIT. Jesus, be merciful...

Oh but anyway.... I've got a mole in my garden too! 8D SURPRISE! Life wasn't done bending me over and having it's way with me! Nope! No sir! Gotta do the ol' fuck-all-your-fucking-work gambit too! I've battled it with poison, with water, with gas bombs, with traps, with hoeing with more poison... as of today, that little rat-fuck-sonofabitch has successfully destroyed the LARGEST yellow squash in my garden. Damn thing was easily 4 feet across. Already had one summer squash on it, about 4 inches long. It would have been the first of the season. All the other plants and that little bastard had to go for that one. I'm so goddamn mad right now. I'm in literal fucking tears. As you can tell by the number of F bombs I've been dropping, life has not been working well with me lately.

I still exercise and bike regularly but if I really want to get anywhere, it's back to counting every little calorie. *sigh* I'm so damn tired.

8 minutes ago, ORazor said:

That's a next level rant!

 

Im one of those that had the world conspire against me when it came to my wedding - we ended up having two of them, about 2500 miles and 2 months apart.  

 

It wasn't easy.  And your situation doesn't sound neat.  I think in this case, honesty is the best policy; he probably needs to know that his clever plans might not be quite as easy as he thinks.  Us guys can be blinded by the obvious when we think we "have a plan".

 

good luck!

 

P.S.  When in doubt, what would Dresden do?  (Saw your reference in your first post!)

So I am still tired as hell may not even get exercise in. *sigh* That's why I'm here and read your post and I love ya for it.

And DAYUM, two weddings sounds lovely on paper, but nightmarish in reality. The sheer amount of stress and planning just one requires, oy vey... And you are right. I know you are. I have to tell him I just don't want to stress him out right now. He's tired and away from home, I don't want to prick the only mood bubble keeping him afloat. *sigh* I hate being an asshat sometimes.

....sometimes.

And I apologize for the rant, I felt ya'll needed to know why I've been quiet. Stupid life thinks it's fun to make me not want to share anything because, well, stupid life.

*high five for Dresden!*

I'll start here!

Wait, no... diet... hmm....

Hm, but then there'll be insurance claims...

Yes! I've always wanted to join the Assassins!

You know maybe I should just settle for a simple standard...

Being awesome 24/7 sounds like a good idea.

4 minutes ago, NightWatcher13 said:

YUS!!!

Though bear in mind, Dresden may well lose control and blow crap up at this point. It's been known to happen

Hang in there Razzy! That's a lot of crap over there

*hugs* Thank you, hun!

I haven't set the buildings on fire yet, so that's a point in favor at least.

So far.... Who knows what can happen though?

*crawls in and just face plants on floor*

It has been a rough couple of weeks.

My fiance has gotten this job opportunity for the company he is interning with. Problem: Hiring freeze in our state. But his bosses really really love him. They want him to stay with the company. So there's the big plant down in Indiana. He was going there for 5 weeks as a kind of test run to see if he'll do well there. But apparently the plant manager REALLY loves him (he's to work for HR down there) and so now that decision will be made in just 2 weeks. If he gets hired on, he'll get a full time position starting anywhere from 47k to 55k a year. That's really great right?

Here's the catch -- he still doesn't have his degree. He is literally 3 classes away from finishing it. But he can't because his student loan is maxed at 45 grand and he isn't making enough money to afford the classes anymore. Even if he took one class a year, it'd be more than he could afford. And if he moves to Indiana, then not all his credits will transfer over to an online or ground campus ANYWHERE. It will set him back about 35 credits.

And there's also that little thing of, you know, we move out of state and leave literally all friends and family in Michigan. That's just, you know, terrifying. He also thinks it'll be easy for me to just move down there, but our families will sooner lock us up than allow that to happen before we get married. He's thought of this and says it'd be easy to get the court 'marriage', you know, have to slip of paper that makes it all official and then we can have the real ceremony and wedding afterward.

I know if he did that it'd piss off both families so much, to such an outrageous degree, he could very well be lynched. I don't know how to tell him that. He's really looking forward to this working out and I know it just won't come together with a pretty little bow like that. It just freaking won't.

*sigh*

Anyway.... I think I'm improving on the diet front. Time will tell. *sigh* Basically just focusing on eating the filling, low calorie stuff, you know? Lots of salad.... limiting myself to one 'treat' at the end of the day (i.e. some chocolate thing they got me for my birthday) and soon I will cut that out too. It's pretty exhausting. I wish I had that drive I did back in November.

I am very tired today. Went to the podiatrist a week or so ago. I have blisters and red sores on the tips of all my toes, and they are painful as hell. I knocked my toe against the lip of a plastic box yesterday, not even that hard. The pain literally stole my breath. You see, my arches are collapsing (yay) and exercising a lot can hasten it (double yay) and because that is happening, I'm walking on the inner blade of my feet, twisting toes around so they rub each other and the weight isn't on the padding (like the toes) where it should be, but being directly applied to the bone of my foot. (Triple yay)

So custom orthopedic insoles are the only option. It won't solve the problem by any means, but it will slow it down. So that way I can function and work and exercise and clean without my feet hurting after 20 minutes (and god that is some truly magnificent pain like you wouldn't believe). Eventually I will have to resort to surgery but hopefully that won't be for twenty years or so.

My aunt called me today. Her youngest boy (my cousin, Daniel) and his wife (named, ironically, Danielle) are both SUPER Crossfitters. I got the lovely pleasure of hearing all about the competitions they do, the weight they can lift, how Danielle has abs and Daniel is just a beast yadda yadda yadda..... I no idea but it turns out that Crossfit is really similar to a country club of sorts. And at $100 a month per person, I can imagine it would be. (I know real country clubs are much more hideously expensive but that tells you how broke I am that I consider $200 a month to be exorbitant cost). They have social meets every Friday where the gym provides food and free beer! Cuz that's a health food....

So yeah, they get all this great personal training and they are fit as freaking gazelles or some shit. Meanwhile, I'm still fighting to do 20 explosive pushups in my basement. Yeah, that's great... we'll have so much to talk about.... (My cousin is of that incredibly murder-rage-inducing alpha male type where he is SO superior because he's a real fit outdoorsman. Oh and reading? Writing? Doing those for fun? Sounds like a horrible life to live, to him.) I wish I could afford that. I wish I had a job that would allow me to do that. I wish my feet didn't hurt and I wish I didn't get hungry an hour after dinner, and I wish I could do more.

But I can't.

But it's good to know what I'm missing out on, right? Married, happy, fit couple that gets paid to compete, sounds lovely.

What's that, Aunt M? Your state gives universities huge grants? You only have to pay 1,500 FOR A WHOLE SEMESTER? Wow. It's that much for one class up here. Even if Jon did make 55k a year, it'll take about two years to pay off his debt, alone. Then we can start thinking about saving for a wedding, yay! Oh me? Get a job? Yeah, totally would love to. Work 14 hours a day at home because unless you've got rep up the ass, no one really wants you except to do all the grunt work and coffee running. Yep. It's all good. Just trucking on, you know, just trying to ignore I'll have to start dying my hair in about 5 years because I'm going prematurely gray. But that's how it goes, right?

Yep. That's how it goes.

It is now 10PM. I left the house 12 hours ago for my appointment and dragged my sleepy butt through the door at around 7 (shopping with mom, oy vey). I took a nap. Ate dinner, read some frustrating emails. Tried to get LinkedIn to work (it didn't.) I am exhausted and not feeling great. So I guess I'll go workout, right? Then I'll feel like I did something. Yep.

Yep.

 

http://www.elfwood.com/u/amygardner/image/0837c040-2717-11e4-9ecf-d547aae57bd2/wedding-cake-topper-dragons-2

You're welcome  The last one just won't let me post the image itself, but it's my favorite.

Yea... I miss being in shape and having the levels of strength I did have, which is both why I want to get in shape, and why I tend to accidentally re-injure myself ('cause I remember that I can totally do this...) But it's sooo much fun to have guys go "oh, I'll help you, that's too heavy for you" and to just look at them, deadpan, and pick up whatever it is one-handed and walk off.

I need to do whole 30 again... my diet is better, but my allergies are arguing and I need to to get them under control, since allergies + stress = bad diet choices, and lazy to no exercise :/ 

 

*SQUEEEEEEEEE*

Omg, do they come in purple? I neeeeed purple! The last on is soooo adorable! D8 I'm in love.. with a a dragon. lol

And YESSS! I love doing that. Strength! Sometimes we beetch's have it! Hahahaha! I've always said that I've reached my strength goal when I can pin the fiance down and tickle him. Lately, he's told me he wants to start losing weight and exercising. I think he's getting worried that I'm getting close. ;P

So the reason I've been quiet.... I had my birthday on the 8th. Evil wonderful chocolate birthday cake! GAH! It undoes me every time. So I didn't want to bug you guys while I had cake the last week, and too many jelly beans, which is any jelly beans. >_>

But it has been slain and so the clean eating quest continues! Yaaay!

I really need to make more salads. T_T And do more dishes of my own, so I can cook whatever I like without thinking 'Dammit, that's one push-up's worth... and that's another... and another....' with every bite.

It's just been a rough week for my nerves.

On 3/22/2016 at 7:13 PM, NightWatcher13 said:

Tiger balm is a gem <3 I seriously don't know what I'd do without it 

Nothing wrong with doing flat-footed pullups when you can't pull your full bodyweight yet, give it time you've come a loooong way  Sounds like you just have a little bit less dexterity and balance on the left, that's completely normal when you're not used to doing stuff like that on one side at a time.

I can't wait to watch Daredevil; I've got to finish Arrow first though then watch Flash

So I just want to start out by saying: Screw holidays and their chocolate pushing, brightly-wrapped nuggets of death. Screw them. Cuz my clean eating thing got BLOWN by Easter. It's stupidly hard for me to kick that sugar habit, too and it's just NUTS. I'm a pretty mad at myself. I'm good for most of the day and just screw it all up around 11. Brushing the teeth and putting in the bite guard helps though.

Also, yesterday, Razzy had a very strenuous day.

1. 90 minutes of biking.

2. 35 minutes of strength training

3. 3 hours of shoveling horse manure compost in 200lb loads, pushing it up a hill in a wheelbarrow, and spreading it over the garden.

I am in pain. But dammit, I deserved that hard cider at the end of the day.

Onto the quotes!

Oh man, I know. Tiger Balm is doing wonders for my back right now. I'm so glad I have it. X_X

*huggles* Thank you muchly, hun. I really want to get to 'lift your full bodyweight!' thing because that's when strength really starts to show. In fact, I was shovelling horse crap for longer than my brother. My dad is always, 'oh don't worry sweety, I'll get that 50lb bag of dog food' and I just pick it up and carry it without a hitch. That's pretty satisfying. It's still irritating to be treated as a strength-less ninny, though. Of all my friends and family, who's the one that exercises religiously?

Oh that's right, ME.

*grumbles* I am perfectly capable of carrying 50lb bags of kibble, and especially capable of moving 36 cans of soup at once.

I just finished Daredevil yesterday. Holy crap. It's amazing. I think Punisher stole the whole show, honestly. But then, he's always been a favorite, I get so frustrated with the religiously 'no-kill' heroes sometimes. but, I shant rant about that too much lol I'm unpopular enough as is.

Arrow: Eww.

Flash: Yay!

On 3/23/2016 at 2:12 PM, Granny Nogg said:

 

Ohhhh okay re: dead hang vs flat foot one.  Makes total sense now.  You have to jump up to the bar or somesuch for dead hang, yes?

 

One-side dominant:  I was having the same issue with my db rows, only being left side dominant.  One person suggested doing the right (weaker) side first on the rows, and adding an extra rep in there to help strengthen it.  Made sense to me.  

 

Dragon cake?  Bah.  Small time.  How bout this: 

 

I would have loved to see that ab-poke with your brother and the shocked look on his face, and then your laughter.  Priceless.  

So long as your feet are off the ground, you can do a dead hang, yep. And that's a great idea for training up the non-dominant side! *GLOMP* Thank you for that, I'll definitely do that come Monday!

I NEED THIS BED.

That... that bed was for me. I need it. We wants it! *Gollum purrs*

Oh, it was pretty hilarious! He gave me these big, weirded eyes and I chased him around threatening to crack him like a tortilla chip. He hid in his bedroom. It was awesome. On a good day, you can even see said muscles, but I doubt that's true now, considering the vile, hideous temptations that Easter has thrown at my head. -___-

God, man, why does sugar just have to be EVERYWHERE? It's driving me nuts.

On 3/23/2016 at 3:11 PM, Granny Nogg said:

Gorgeous, isn't it?  Too bad it's only a miniature.  But would also make a hawt wedding cake topper.....

Wedding cake topper. I will do some research into this. *nods*

Wish me luck on resisting the chocolates and sugars, guys, I seriously need help. X__X

On 3/19/2016 at 2:12 PM, Granny Nogg said:

What's the difference between a flat foot one and a dead hang one?

So, dead hang is where you are hanging by your arms, not touching the floor.

A flat-foot one (my own term) is where your feet are on the floor and the bar is JUUUUST under full extension of your arms above your head. I can do these. But when I try to pick up my feet and pull myself up, I can't get over this one point in the motion. I don't know why. Something isn't strong enough to make it happen and I'm not sure what it is. :\ So I'll just focus on doing more of them for now.

So, yesterday, did the workout:

11 one-legged squats

18 explosive pushups

25 15lb deadlifts

18 alternating toe-touch crunches

8 pullups

23 tricep dips

12 side v-ups (from YAYOG)

11 hanging leg raises

Bike time: 1 hour, 20 minutes (total)

I'm so dominant on my ride side. It's not even funny. I can do 11 with my right leg fairly well. Good balance, no torquing. There is real effort toward the end, but it's possible. But my left leg is a whole new story. X_X I don't know why, but I can't seem to push off with my weight focused on my heel like I should nearly as well. It's frustrating.

As inspiration for keeping my consumption in check, I've told myself, 'Hey! You need to go out and try on wedding dresses! Eat smart!' It's pretty effective, even if a total lie. I'm so far from getting married right now, but at least I will have lots of time to plan every detail out. I really want to get a DRAGON CAKE! But, we'll see. *sigh* We shall see.

In other news, I believe I'm getting some awesome abs. My brother poked me right under the ribs (I'm super ticklish) as a troll tactic, but he hurt his finger. I laughed so damn hard.

ALSO, did an hour of biking today. I'm slowly watching through the second season of Daredevil. It's awesome.

*FLYING TACKLE HUG FOR THE GRANNY!*

Aye, it really is a kick butt one. X_X My butt is certainly feeling it. And it is no bueno. Tiger Balm does help a little bit, though. All I have to do is biking today and I'm DONE. Rest day! FINALLY! REST DAY!

*collapses*

My pullups are deceptive, they're still flat-foot. I'm Weakling McGee and cannot do one from a deadhang.

Okay. Did my workout yesterday. Ate pretty good too, had reuban sammich (left overs from St. Patty's) immediately after my workout, so maybe that mitigated some of the uh.... evil food things. Whatever you want to call them.

I am just hella tired right now. X_X I need more sleep.

Had 2 pancakes for breakfast. Really not liking the day star right now.

I started to type something and then changed my mind.  I'm not your mom.  You already know what you need to do and you don't need to be reminded of it.  You already feel guilty enough about that.  The question is, what would it take to get you back on track with adulting?

Adulting is a great word. I shall use it more. Also, you wise woman, you always seem to know what to say to get my mind on the important thing.

*looks at resume worriedly* But aaagh, so not as interesting as RP! xD However, the food log thing has been going well. I've been writing in it now consistently for 3 days. So that's a step up!

In fact, here's mine today:

Breakfast:

2 eggs

coffee

clementine

[WORKOUT OF PAIN]

SNACK: 1 mini new york peppermint patty (emergency, blood-sugar crash supply. Good thing I had it.)

Dinner:

 Steak (8oz? Probably less)

Small sweet potato stuffed with curry (an NF recipe actually)

lots and lots of steamed veggies.

I might have a coffee later.... I'm ready to do anything to alleviate the agony in my butt and legs right now.

This is why I use Chrome. 

And yay for Razzy posts again!! Do you have someone helping you go through building and editing your resume? I know for me it helps not only with the process of doing so (I'm horrible at BS papers, and let's face it that's what makes a good resume) but it gives me someone who will actively know if I'm not doing what I should be doing

But hey, at least it sounds like you're more on par with your workouts right now! 

Yes! In fact ,it was so good that I just had to scrw things up and make it HARDER!

God, I hate my brain sometimes.

Here is my new workout: (still 3 circuits)

11 one-legged squats

18 explosive pushups

25 15lb deadlifts

18 alternating toe-touch crunches

8 pullups

23 tricep dips

12 side v-ups (from YAYOG)

11 hanging leg raises

I... am in pain. I've made bad choices. OOOOH I've made bad, bad choices! X_X Everything hurts between my waist and my knee. In fact, I automatically curled my foot up under my butt when I sat down on the couch and I let out this involuntary squeak of pain. It sounded a lot like a velociraptor on helium.

I do hope you post regularly.  I've missed you!  And maybe if you aren't able to post much in the way of workouts, you can at least post your food log so you have accountability.  But we also just want to follow what you're doing in your day-to-day life.  We've missed that part, too. 

I'm trying! I am! I'm gonna crack down on it. *puts the game face on*

Aye, my food log I should at least TRY with again. It's just... I think it's difficult to do because quantifying homecooked meals is guesstimation at best. xD I dunno HOW I fell of that bandwagon, but it's just been a bitch getting back on! D:

My day to day life is pretty boring. I felt kinda low when the fiance put it in very clear-cut terms: "So, you post on an RP forum, clean and exercise all day and that's all you do?"

-___- Yes, sadly. That's all I do. I've been working on a resume but figuring out this whole 'get a job!' thing is really quite difficult, you know. It's also mind-numbing making a resume when you have badass stories to write as Huntress or as a super soldier and dammit, you know what?

I REGRET NOTHING

I'm a total DC nerd and I'm loving it. Writing has always been my addiction and I can't fight it. Nope. Just can't. *sigh*

So my life is going nowhere pretty fast. lol I wish I had more thrilling adventures, but i'm just going nowhere and in a rut. I feel like a pretty sad failure, to be honest. *sigh*

I had this whole post made.... and it just vanished. Because of firefox.

Moving furniture certifiably sucks. This is always true. You are eating so much better than I am. X_X Peanut butter is evil, peanut butter should die, peanut butter should not be bought anymore but I'm not in charge of the grocery list anymore.

But really, you're doing great with the eating. My eating seems to always be 'Do great up until the sun sets, then get screwed by wild cravings.' I've made some steady progress pushing said cravings off, but lord is it a battle. X_X

So keep killing it and being that shining example. You're awesome!

Girl, you are killing it. You are killing it dead. xD It makes me so jealous, almost. I was kicking ass during school but have backslid since. Damn. Your awesomeness has given me a reality check for sure. I need to up my game!

We also got hit by that nasty windstorm. Took off half our dang roof. I had to go up there and tapdance on the other half to stop the shingles back down. >( 30 years guaranteed my arse. And yeah, I know what you mean about that racing heart and yardwork. Gardening is no easy task! Sounds like you might've been close to a blood sugar drop, though. I always keep a snack on hand because the last time I had a crash, I nearly fainted in a driveway.

Nightwatcher! Granny! 8D *SUPERGLOMPS*

Thank you, guys! xD I know, I'm sorry, I kinda poofed after I posted again, didn't I? It's just been a bit nutty with my schedule lately. No idea how I manage to be busy when I'm not even employed. The MADNESS, I tell you. I've also been sleeping in a lot longer than I'm happy with, and it seems my days are always so short when I don't want them to be. I'm slowly beating myself back to an earlier bed time. But I'm the kind of sleeper that usually sleeps like the dead. I can go an easy 8-12 hours quite contentedly.

I've gotten to the point where I bike about an hour every day. Breathe in my insanity. My eating IS getting better, but I'm still crappy with my food log. I dunno why, I just keep forgetting to use it. I really should start researching more to get my workout changed up a bit, but honestly.... I just can't. I'm kinda at a wall. It's frustrating trying to workout, even with bodyweight exercises, when you've actually got very little room to move.

There is an issue with my graduation -- thanks to the incredibly vague emails and horrendous spam the uni sends you and a few administration issues, I missed my actual Grad Ceremony. I asked if I could go in the Spring one instead and the answer was a rather blunt, "well, we sent you 2 emails [which, I want to note, did not take into consideration a letter I got saying if I didn't get some issues with my major/minor resolved, my degree would be withheld] and so we did our part and you're shit out of luck. So no. Request denied."

So I went to the ombudsman and hopefully will have some more info tomorrow. It's damn stupid to not let a person walk in a Ceremony. I honestly wouldn't mind normally -- last thing I want to do is sit for hours listening to bad speeches and having my butt go numb from those horrible chairs, but my mom is super pissed. Naturally, the anger is directed at me -- something about how I was too lazy to even read emails and see it through. So that's why I'm fighting for it. I'lll keep you guys posted. :\

Oh! And yes, I am SO DAMN HAPPY I joined this RP forum! ^____^ I just applied for my first canon character and I can't wait to get the stories going. It really does wonders for my muse. I am so damn happy. For a long time, I was very depressed by the thought I'd lost my writing spark because of school. I can't tell you how incredibly uplifting it is to find out it's still there.

Anyway, from here on, I'm gonna try and post regularly. And hopefully, when I get a job, I can afford to buy new things, like a gym card. 8D

Agree with you there sister!

I know, it's been a while since I've posted. I dunno what to say. I'm kinda in a rut. Was just go go go and now that I'm through with school and merely have to wait for graduation, I'm stuck solidly in the doldrums of winter with everyone else. I'm keeping myself occupied and I'm working out, but I've hit a dead end. I can't make or upgrade what I have to add resistance and.... well, the basement is a solid 56 degrees. It sucks ass working out down there. I've taken to wearing layers just to get started. Sometimes I don't take them off.

My Raynaud's is a real pain in the foot. Literally. My right foot is worst. And I'm getting these rub sores on all my toes, hell if I know why. It happens every winter since I was 11 or so. And with the Raynaud's and the sores.... my feet just hurt. But I've been biking more now. My butt is not happy about it.

Just been a bit tired lately. I fell off the food-log thing and I'm starting it up again today. Cuz I'm tired of hovering around a sloooooow weight gain and it's pissing me off.

Other than that, I'm graduating in the spring. Yay! Now I gotta find a job or something and that means making a resume and god, it's boiling my brain matter. X_X

I do not have any hope of finding an actual graphic design job soon. The economy is just in the tank -- the sewage tank. I'll just expect the worst and hope for the best.

In other news, I've joined an RP forum which has done true wonders for my writer's soul. It's a DC forum (yes, DC comics) and man am I having fun! It feels good to write again.

I know I haven't been posting. It's just finals are being a major bitch right now.

That, and I am sick.

Again.

I hate winter.

Anyway, been working out per usual except for yesterday. Being sick + staying up for 48 hours = exercise ain't happening. Nope. Nuh-uh. I am incredibly tired. T_T

As I read your post Razzy I see you use the term i killed it, and I find myself thinking she might have really killed something. 

Hahahahahaha! Some days, buddy, I tell ya. Some days.....

OKAY SO it's been a little bit but holy shit it's hard to believe there's only 2 weeks left of school! EIGHT DAYS! And of course, creative writing class makes us write everything but something creative. And it assumes it's the only class in existence. So I know I'll be spending the rest of my 8 days frantically braining myself against the wall trying to muscle through the agony of having to write the same thing over and over, in a different but 'insightful' way and make it sound very engaged and academic, when it's really just repeating everything in 50 million slightly different ways. It's like masturbating, but that would imply it's somewhat enjoyable.

I have been keeping up with my workouts! Thanksgiving wasn't too bad, actually -- no one was killed, so that's a plus! My family is very screwed up though. xD I had my fiance and a friend come over for thanksgiving (they were working that day) and later on, they told me how strange and tense and angry the dinner was. As per usual, we never gave thanks for anything at the table. My mom is always angry, my dad is always either playing obnoxiously stupid or looking for a fight and my brother never comes out of his room unless its for coffee and food. He's so addicted to the internet, he can't even hold a conversation without trolling or reacting in over exaggerated ways, like you do online. It was a quiet meal. It's really like we're not even a family anymore.

*shrugs* I guess it happens to everyone eventually.

Anyway, my eating hasn't really gotten BAD but it could certainly be BETTER. But that's how it is when you get so busy you can't cook and have to spend endless hours writing hideous drivel. I'm sure I -- as everyone does -- have gained a bit of weight, but that always happens in the winter anyway. So I am still alive and still exercising and still plugging on... hasn't been much to report, though. Just trying to survive, as it were! *sigh*

I'm quite tired, though.

......................there is some very strange magic happening around here.

I think the universe may be screwing with me for the lulz.

So, after a month of avoiding the scale and being VERY careful to never indulge in some mirror scrutiny, I hopped on the scale the other day just to see how bad it was.

And my weight?

121lbs

I honestly thought the scale was broken. What? I mean WHAT? How did I LOSE weight if I had such a spotty workout and poor eating? Maybe it was muscle.... Sense, this made none. So I finally went over to the mirror and promptly swore. I'd had this stupid image in my head and the reality was NOWHERE CLOSE.

xD

I feel stupid.

But anyway, back on the exercise track! It really DOES feel good to be back into it. My mood has drastically improved, actually. I'm all happy and so chipper I could probably make sawdust. (That was a terrible, terrible 'woodchipper' joke, and I apologize. I'll  never do that again.)

Oh, you kids and your loud peeing drive me crazy! O.o

Take. A. Break. You've got way too much on your plate not to. Don't worry about not working out. I know it's the last thing I want to do when I'm feeling stressed.

The muscle fibers are still there, you'll gain back all of your old strength quickly, and you'll go back to your workouts refreshed and energized.

Just fuck off for a while without feeling guilty.

I decree it

lol, I know, right?

Arg, I really wish I could take a break, but experience has taught me it only worsens my mood. Working out always makes me feel better. Eating clean AND working out is even better! I just gotta get back on the horse. I don't know how to describe it, it just really bumps my mood unless I'm angry about something or have gone much too long without sleep. And I feel like I've already been on a sabbatical as is.

But I do love your advice! xD I'm going to get my momentum going slowly and everything else can just feck off -- no way am I doing calorie counting just yet. I'm just gonna eat the good stuff, not eat the bad stuff and keep doing that for a while. I did a workout yesterday and it was okay. I did better than I thought I would actually, but still. I did feel a LOT better afterward, too! Maybe it's just me, I feel like I'm just on my rhythm when I'm exercising and eating right.

As for the eating right, that's going good too. I hid all the evil chocolate in cupboards. HA! And I insisted my dad kill the foul Nutella. HAHA! So those two things are gone and out of my face and I must say, I feel much better. I didn't realize how tense it was making me. Today I had mucho salad and made UNSTUFFED PEPPER SOUP! (So damn delicious.) I uh, accidentally put in more garlic & herbs than I should have, heh heh. I accidentally flipped the 'spoon' side up instead of the 'shake' side and uh.....

It was very flavorful. And probably guaranteed to keep vampires off you for the whole night! *BIG THUMBS UP*

Barfly is wise. Listen to him^^^. Wow, picky neighbor,

 

 

Agreed that when you are living with your parents, it is super hard. The point I was trying to make was that forgiveness can mean you not hanging on to bitterness, but still not having to subject yourself to his rages. If you don't want your dad at the wedding that is your call, if you can stay with your friend instead of moving home than do that, and when you move out and move far away don't feel guilty about it. 

Barfly is very wise indeed! He is strong in the Force!

I hear you loud and clear. I wasn't in a good head last time I posted. (My friend has this thing where he stays up very late at night because he goes to work around midday. He got home and started watching WWE -- at 3AM. HE promptly fell asleep in the chair but I couldn't sleep with it blaring. So... yeah. Stress on sleep deprivation is not a good cocktail.)

I just really, really want to get married and move out. Unfortunately, both our parents have made it clear there will be no moving in together until we are married. (And with me jobless and the fiance only in an internship, it's not like we could get out on our own anyway.) Sigh.... the world is super shitty right now. I read somewhere that my generation is the FIRST American generation to start off worse than their parents.

That is.... depressingly common knowledge. It still doesn't stop my parents from calling my brother and I 'adult children'. As if we desired it so.

Anyway, enough negative nancy. I feel my mood is going up and I believe tomorrow's workout will see further improvement!

Did I tell you guys about my gymnastics routine? Oh it was great. Until the music started screwing up. It would stop and go like a bad stutter about 30 seconds in. I had it all coordinated so it would match up with the music and everything. But nope! It just wasn't meant to be. But the show must go on! I finished it as planned and the teacher was nice and said the music acting up wasn't my fault, so she didn't score that against me at all.

I suppose it worked out okay.

Hugs back, sounds like a rough day. On your dad yes, you do need to let go of bitterness and not hold on to that, because that only harms you. But, you don't have to say that his behavior is ok. Since you are still living with your parents, you have to be around him some, but when he goes into a rage, it is fine to leave the room. And later when you move out, you an set clear boundaries and let him know you won't have a relationship with him unless he stops the rages. Loving him doesn't me you have to put up with his rages. You can pray for your dad, and trust God to work a change in him, and still have boundaries around the way he treats you.

 

On eating healthy, hey you  are doing so much better than I was at your age. I think you are WAY too hard on yourself.  And you may have a bit of body dsyomorphia, cause really you are skinny. Saying that, I also hear you saying your frustrated because you aren't meeting your goals. Maybe it is time to reevaluate them and see what you can change to make them work for you.  Give yourself a bit more room to have days off, where that doesn't mean you are a failure. Experiment a bit and see what  plan works for you. Right now, I am tracking my food, something I thought I would never do. But, I like how then I can eat some non- Paleo food as long as it fits in my calories, and not feel guilty. Not saying that will work for you, just some times you have to try new things to see what works. And be nice to yourself. You are pretty, funny, creative, smart and have a great fiancee.

 

I just listened to a podcast with Gretchen Rubins and it was eye opening. She talks about our habit personality, and how we can use that to work for us, instead of against us. I plan on listening to more of her stuff. The podcast was http://balancedbites.com/2015/11/podcast-episode-217-gretchen-rubin-happy-healthy-habits/

It's difficult to have any kind of boundary when I "Owe him everything, I wouldn't be anything if not for him, he does everything for me, I'm and ungrateful little cunt," and so on and so on. I'm tired of it. I'm so tired of it. This kind of behavior is nothing new. It's been going on so long, I'm past any hope for the better. The only way -- the only way -- I will ever get out from under his overweening, petty, selfish tin god syndrome is when I get married and move to another state. That's literally the only option I have.

If I don't push myself, no one else will, and that's a fact. I am pretty much where you are at right now, at least most of the time. Track my food, still have a few things I can eat that aren't Paleo, but usually clean.

That was three weeks ago.

Now, I can't even get in more than a workout a week. That's just utter failure, right there. I'm actually going to have to go back to older workouts because I know I've lost so much ground, there's no POINT in keeping up the current one. That is, IF I get back into it. I'm not so sure there's a point to it now.

I do have a great fiance.

Thank you for the podcast! I will listen to it right away. Not like I've got much else to do. Just sit and piddle around online. I can't even do some rudimentary workouts because my friend's place (where I'm crashing) is an apartment on the second floor, and the lady below is so hyper-sensitive to sound, she actually bitched about my friend peeing too loud. Literally.

Second day reporting in doing literally nothing but sitting on my ass. No wonder I'm getting fat and weak. I can't even do a workout more than once a goddamn week!

You know, I should have seen this coming. All attempts to better my life are, well, attempts. I should never have put so much into this.

Sorry about your second cousin and also that your stupid cold is still bothering you. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself for not eating clean, when you are sick and tired, it is even harder to have the will power to say no. Not to mention m&ms always sitting around- ugh that would be hard.Can you imagine they are made of bugs or something?

Thank you. *hugs*

I love that idea! Thinking they are bugs is PERFECT, I hate spiders. I will definitely try that.

I do have to admit, I don't think I'm truly cut out for being healthy. It makes me feel great and I love it. But as I sit here on my friend's couch for the second night in a row, with nothing to eat all day except peanut butter and pizza, I have to think the world is seriously against me. Every attempt to climb out of my hole; every attempt to return to my routine; it always fails. It just fails. This will be about 3 weeks now of not eating well and very little exercise. I spent the entire day on my ass, writing and homework and piddling on the internet. I have already gained weight, my last workout was markedly harder, and I can feel myself losing strength and getting fat already.

At this point, I think it's a lost cause. Why should I bother what I put in my body, or what it can do. It's all just temporary anyway. And the slightest disturbance in my situation renders my power over my diet and body null and void. What's the point? I mean, what's the freaking point? It was a nice dream. But that's all it was.

Also, I wish this bad-luck year would do me a damn favor and put my father in a coma. Or a car crash. Or a heart attack. I'll take Alzheimer's. Dementia. Anything at this point. It would make my life so much easier, so much safer. I'd like to go 3 months where that miserable fat prick didn't flip out and fly into a screaming childish tantrum and rage over something so petty, so small as spilled water or a dropped milk cap. And it would make it easier for me to not have him at my wedding. One thing's for sure -- I was starting to think, hey, maybe I can actually have him walk me down the aisle. Then last night....

No. I don't want the sonofabitch in my life. I don't want him ruining my life the way he ruined my mother's. If he would just go away forever, everything would be easier.

My fiance says I have to forgive him. That I must put my faith in God and love him anyway. I've prayed about it. This isn't even the tenth time I've prayed about.

Nothing changes.