BarbEricScotaku

Erm. Uh. Well, this is embarrassing. Just... want to apologize for going off the deep end. Sleep deprivation really screws with your head. I'm reading your replies and thank you, though I'm a bit too red-faced to say anything at the moment, eheh...

I'm eating healthy, so why do I feel so miserable? This is everything I've eaten over the past month. Well, aside from a handful of unlisted cheat meals, and yesterday eating one deep fried jumbo coconut shrimp because it was offered and for once I was too weak to resist -- and felt a huge bubbling of desire in my guts reminding me that yes, I have a junk food addiction and I need to remember that moderation is not an option just like one beer for an alcoholic is too much. Had a rocky start of not counting calories like I did from early 2012 to middle 2013 where I lost 180 lbs but stopped after plateauing at around 240 lbs (been between 260 to 290 ever since by not calorie-counting) but after calculating my TDEE like everyone always says to do and trying to eat about 500 kcal below that like everyone says to do... (Went from 279 to 268, but pre-Thanksgiving I was as low as 264.) The previous month I was depressed from hurting my back lifting weights so I, well, ate mostly what you see here, but also ate at cheap chinese buffets probably twice weekly and every night I had probably 3000-5000 calories of walmart ice cream. I felt so much better. But after eating clean and healthy and natural and unprocessed like everyone says to do, I've felt progressively worse. Had problems early on from dizziness and lightheadedness and near-fainting spells but I just upped the calories and felt better, but for the past week I haven't been able to sleep more than 5 hours a night. For an entire week. I'm so tired it hurts. But I can't stay asleep for the life of me. I've tried not using electronics for an hour before bed, I've tried aromatherapy, I've tried meditation, I've tried not thinking of things that piss me off, I've even tried 100mg melatonin one night and that just made me feel worse, and none of it helps at all. Since I'm recovering from injury I've only lifted light for most of this month (only just got my bench back above 100), but I've stopped entirely the middle of last week because I've been in too much mental and emotional pain from simple & stupid lack of sleep, from last Monday night sleeping 6 hours, Tuesday 5, Wed and Thu no more than 1-2 hours, then another 4-5 the next few nights. I'm constantly tired, I'm constantly on edg.,My therapist has a depression rating, where 1 is "Bobby made fun of my hair this morning, boo-hoo" and 10 being "in immediate danger of killing himself and/or others", mine right now is an 8 and rising, again all from lack of sleep, and I'm pretty sure it's my diet. What else could it be? Well, other than stress and worry from lack of money and pretty sure I'll never be fit and strong and aesthetic because of all the stretch marks and loose skin and blotchy complexion and terrified that if I don't eat clean and healthy I'll fall right back into my old >400 lbs hikikomori NEET ubernerd ways ways like I was not even last month after doing so well off and on this entire year of starting and stopping the weightlifting due to mounting stress and hurting myself. Lifting had been the first time in my life I had a passion for something that wasn't childish and solitary like video games, and now I can't even get to the one thing that kept me going because of this lack of sleep. I'm not an attention whore. I'm not a drama queen. I'm not a troll. I'm not baiting. I'm not joking. I feel so absolutely crappy that I just want to die to end the pain. But I'm so scared that if I follow the nagging voice inside that says all I need to do is indulge in my junk food addiction, my soda-n-fastfood-o-holism, that it will all be better, that if I fall off the horse for the severalth time for the past three years, that I'll end up weighing as much as a horse that I was for almost 20 years. But I'm also scared that if I don't do something immediately, that if I spend another week or even another 2-3 days like this that I'll stop being able to resist my impulses and take a knife to my own throat. Re-iterating: I've lost MULTIPLE DECADES to morbid obesity and being a socially dysfunctional shut-in whose one and only friend is a glowing rectangle, and everyone says to be "gradual" in your changes. Well I've beengradual, for the past three years I've been goddamned gradual, how many MORE years must I lose to morbid obesity so I can for once in my life stop feeling so ugly and worthless? I'm doing everything everyone says to do, following the /fit/ sticky and bodybuilding.com's stickies and taking bits from the paleo diet and what Scooby Werkstatt and Jim Wendler and Elliot Hulse and Dani Shugart and Maria Kang and sites like this all have to say about eating clean and healthy, so what is missing? What am I doing wrong? I'm using a multivitamin and fish oil and vitamin d and etc. etc. supplements, I'm eating tons of vegetables on top of tons of meat, I'm trying to restrict carbs and dial in my macronutrient ratios like everyone says you should do if you're trying to lose weight without losing too much muscle mass like I was stupidly doing for the first year and a half of crash dieting with zero exercise when I should have known better. What is it? What's missing? What am I doing wrong? Someone please help me end my misery, I'm begging you.

Wasn't sure where to put this, sorry. I have a friend who is in roughly in the same boat as I (began morbidly obese, is currently somewhere between chubby and "skinnyfat", and trying desperately to fix that) who for the past few weeks reposted her MyFitnessPal daily diets to her Facebook, and the results have me very worried to say the least: I won't say exactly what out of respect for her privacy, but every day it's between 500-800 kcal total, with maybe 100-150g carbs with around 10-20g fat and 10-30g protein. I believe she also does daily cardio at her local gym for an hour or so (treadmills, stationary bikes, etc), doing no form of strength/resistance training for fear of becoming "too bulky" and hurting herself from occasional seizures (I don't know the medical issues here and refuse to be a nosy busybody about it). She is also trying to "detox" with certain foods and the like. Her stated goal is to reach 120 lbs in "less than a year". As far as I know she doesn't measure body-fat percentage or go by anything but what her bathroom scale and the calories burned from cardio machines (reportedly burning in excess of half of what she's eaten that day). Two convos: I know I was melodramatic and probably wrong in the details -- I'm really just regurgitating half-remembered, mish-mashed bits from the hundreds of articles and videos I've seen on the subjects of health and fitness -- but I'm truly scared she's in for slow but sure world of hurt if she continues down this path. I respect and applaud her for not being morbidly obese anymore, and continuing to chase the pot of gold of health and aesthetics. I also realize that due to her apparent dislike of bodybuilders and strength trainers, especially female ones (going by her occasional disparaging comment about people who look like Spezzy and Dani Shugart, though she spares no wrath for male meatheads either) she'll probably not listen to you guys, and I know if I keep bugging her she'll just dig her heels in harder no matter what I say (she's almost as bull-headed as I ). However, my conscience demands I say and do SOMETHING for my friend whom I've known since early elementary school, even if it ultimately it won't do a lick of good. I just don't want her to make the same mistakes I did, don't want her to have to learn the hard way that crash dieting won't work in the long-term like I did, and am at a loss for what to say or do. So I'll just throw this out to you guys and gals whose collected knowledge, hardships, and failures and successes I've lurked and learned from in (mostly) silent respect and respectful silence, hope she reads what you have to say, and hope for the best.

I tried myfitnesspal, cronometer, fitday, and a few other online trackers and they all gave me headaches because none of them suit my needs. And I'm not smart enough to make my own spreadsheet where I can type/click "Whole Milk from Dollar General*" into a cell and "2.5 cups" into an adjacent cell and have it fill out all the calories, macronutrients and micronutrients, and tally those numbers to a weekly (not daily, like every single online tracker does) goal/total. Oh, and for the spreadsheet to not have a "I want to lose X lbs by Y date" thingy, because I don't have such goals in mind, that's too neurotic for me. And going back to typing in my calories and nothing else into a text file like I did for two years makes me ill just thinking about it. Sorry if I come across as a little irritated right now but I just wasted two hours jumping through these sites' hoops only for them to not do what I want in the end. Stupid setbacks, putting out an effort to be healthy only for stuff to jump in my face and shout LOLNOPE... * I'd be perfectly fine typing in every little detail for a specific food into another sheet ONCE, then never fretting about it ever again.

Hello again, thanks for the tips! Also bringing in the bench: http://youtu.be/ksbPcBH85i0 http://youtu.be/dYQJPip2cCM That day I tried something different. I've heard of "leg drive" but never found out what exactly that was. So I just did what felt natural: flexed by quads and calves, and dug my heels into the ground while keeping my ass glued to the bench (on top of arching my back as much as I can -- which ain't much as tall -- and trying to keep my shoulder blades pinched for the entire time I'm holding the bar). Surprisingly enough, it seemed to work: 135 lbs felt no more than 85.

Did some math this morning: Milk (gallon): $3 for 8 "servings" [2cups] of 300 calories each (16g protein, 10g satfat, 6g unsat, 22g simple carb/sugar) Thus: two glasses/shaker cups is thus 600 kcal, 32g protein, 20g satfat, 12g unsat, 44g sugar; $0.75 for this much My protein supp of choice (Pro7ein Synthesis*): $70 for 57 servings (5 lbs) of 34g protein, insignificant fat/carb Thus: ~$1.25 for 34g** protein at ~150 kcal (or $2.50 for 68g at 300 kcal, to compare to the above two-drinks-of-this-a-day) You could combine, but that just brings the cost to $2 per normal-sized glass or shaker cup. Cheaper proteins would certainly have a better price ratio, but I can't imagine it getting close to the cheapness of milk without getting Wal-Mart stuff. But anyway, this protein powder at least beats plain old whole milk in calories, but if you don't care or are bulking, and want to be a cheapskate, wouldn't it be better for your wallet to just drink more milk -- e.g., instead of glass of milk plus supp, drink two glasses of milk? Or am I missing something? * Their chocolate is like NesQuik or something else normal and possibly boring. The caramel pretzel is... different. Some say it's akin to coffee with creamer. Even after using it for a month and a half I can't decide if I like it or not, it's just... interesting to the last scoop. ** Assuming this company isn't one of the reported over-priced, under-performing protein powders as many have called the supplement industry the "wild wild west" in regards to being flippant about ingredient quality, inflating reported protein grams, etc.; I have no idea how to check up on this. Possibly another reason to ditch protein powder?

Five short vids in all. Things I can already tell (unless I'm wrong, which I probably am): • Still, even after all these months, not keeping the bar over mid-foot. I've yet to figure out how to do this without a competent coach. • Tried to do the hip-thrust thing from SS for the press, wasn't able to get it right. I think I did better on my earlier sets than what was filmed... • Didn't bring my hips down far enough for the deadlift (and thus not flat-backed). And not keeping the bar path perfectly vertical. Please tell me how I'm sucking and what I can do to stop failing!

Looks like Super Destroyer was right, for today I finally hit two-plate skwat! (also 5x5, and also sweet) (click to enlarge) Too bad you can't see my face, heh. I was dreading two-plate for a while, after loading myself up with it a long time ago just for kicks, and then bending my knee not even half an inch down and suddenly feeling like my entire body was about to be crumpled like a styrofoam cup. But looks like I'm a styrofoam cup no more! I guess this isn't too bad progress after starting on 01/17/14 (and getting serious on 4/9/14, when I began StrongLifts 5x5). Now beware my upcoming 3-plaet deadlift in two to three weeks, if I'm lucky: That's 1x5 of 285. And a better look at the hideous Pink-Face of Blonde Person Exertion! Not quite there yet, but one day...

I'm only going to update this thread from now on.

Must be why I never want cake -- even if walking down an aisle full of super-delicious looking ones -- until I'm at a birthday party or something. My thoughts exactly. Big fan of the placebo effect, here.

I love how wonderfully vague the "source" is...

That tiny upper-left corner that's in a different time zone than everywhere else. At least I'm near one of the "big cities" when stuff happens like major band concerts...

"I'd eat healthy if I could afford it." As if TV dinners and McDonald's were cheaper than two chicken breasts, spinach, and a sprinkling of shredded cheese with a pair of apples...

Mah thighs. They're just so... meaty. Wish I could get my arms to catch up half as fast. I've come to respect anyone with mighty quads, because you know they're not just some Captain Upper-Body. If I see a muscular man, I tend to examine his legs for this reason. (No homo.)

This along with about a half-dozen other songs by the same singer; she has a hot voice. I thought her singing was great when she was voice acting a cute cartoon character, but then recently I found she was also a "real" musician... Shamefur dishpray for a manly man-male. http://youtu.be/EL308CB0qPs

5-28-14 (Day 1 of Week 8) Squat • 85 2x5 • 115 1x5 • 135 1x5 • 155 1x5 • 185 1x5 • 215 5x5 Second to last rep of the last set was the closest I've felt to a squat fail, and it was due to a stupid decision on my part: I didn't think I went deep enough, so as I was up maybe 3 inches, I went back down... and suddenly I couldn't move, I was "pinned" for maybe 2/3rds a second of pure panic. But I clenched my quads and ass cheeks as hard as I could and launched myself back up about as slowly as a rocket ship escapes Earth's gravity. That hurt. But I made it (barely). Everything else... well, like the last four or more times I've been finding myself cursing my decision of not going with Starting Strength's program solely so I'd be done with these by three sets. And cursing myself for jumping ahead those few times. Hell, cursing myself for starting SL at 85 lbs! Heh heh. Guess I need a dose of man-the-fuck-up, huh? Overhead Press • 45 2x5 • 75 2x5 • 95 5x5 Still a pain, but surprisingly not as bad as they've been the last several times. Is my body ready for +5 lb increments? We shall see next time! I so want to get 1-plate presses by the end of June... if that's a realistic goal. Deadlift • 135 2x5 • 185 1x5 • 225 1x5 • 265 1x5 For my last set I decided to try "rapid-firing" the deads sort of like you see here. They DID seem easier -- though maybe also because I gave myself like 10 seconds to mentally psyche myself up before even grabbing the bar this time (gonna kill gonna kill gonna kill you I'll rip and tear and rip and tear and RIP AND TEAR YOUR GUTS!!11!! *grab* *pull*) -- but I'm wondering if I should keep doing them like that instead of "resetting" with each pickup like I've been doing this whole time? Perhaps just so I'm not so noisy, don't want to get yelled at for dropping the weights or grunting probably loud enough to be heard across the floor. Hey wait a sec (just now realized an hour after posting this)... these were body-weight deadlifts!!

It'd be expensive, but it'd be a LOT of protein. Even crazier than GOMAD. True insanity would be combining the two... What in the world would happen to your body with that -- other than the obvious, turning into a human beach ball?

Long story short, http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2014/01/14/strength-training-101-where-do-i-start Also, http://stronglifts.com/5x5/#Summary_of_Stronglifts_52155 for one working barbell-training program. (Don't worry, it's simple, even if it takes words-words-words to get the concept across, especially if you've never touched a barbell once in your life.) An alternative is Starting Strength, but you'd have to buy the book to get the most out of it. But I recommend you get that anyway, even if you plan to do StrongLifts or some other program. Also, you'd be missing out on coach Mark Rippetoe's peppery speech like "If you insist on wearing gloves, make sure they match your purse.", "Any lifter that bails out of a missed rep and leaves the spotters holding the bar should be beaten with a hammer." and "Don't do this, you fool." as a caption to a photo of someone squatting wrong. Ripp is mah waifu. Couple the SS book with looking up videos on youtube/dailymotion/blip.tv how to squat, deadlift, etc. And then get ye to the gym and practice, practice, practice! Or practice at home with broom sticks or whatever, but personally I like the 45lb Olympic bars.

5-25-14 (Day 3 of Week 7): I normally work out on Monday but I took the chance to work out with two smith-machine-addicted siblings. Squat • 85 2x5 (not quite bar-only, which just gives me trouble IME, but still light enough to feel like a warm-up after a brief bit of band pull aparts, doorway pec stretches, and bodyweight squats) • 115 1x5 • 135 1x5 • 155 1x5 • 175 1x5 • 210 5x5 Much easier time than the last, when I wasn't overly concerned about my lower back. I just tried to keep it locked in place instead of hyperextending it like I think I was doing last time. Bench Press • 65 2x5 • 95 2x5 • 120 5x5 Hmm, didn't really feel much effort this time. I think I may just have had a good day at the gym. Pendlay Row • 65 2x5 • 85 2x5 • 115 5x5 Easier time with these, too. Still a bit tough to keep my back flat (especially my upper back) but I think better than before. On another note, my iron gain forecast for the next few weeks has me... intimidated, to say the least. I may finally hit my first stall soon. But failure is part of the game, they say!

I still have man boobs, a beer gut, and thunder thighs even after losing close to 200 lbs. Just can't seem to get rid of another 30-40 lbs of flab (even though ~60 in fat is still barely 20% bodyfat if my Accu-Measure is... accurately measuring my bodyfat). I do feel 20x better than I used to, but I'm afraid I'll continue to be disgusted with my looks (naked, at least -- I think I look pretty good with [baggy] clothes on nowadays, if the "oohh.." stares of young girls much of the time I'm out, that I never got while morbidly obese, is any indication) until I become as Zyzz says a shredded sick cunt. Or at least look big and strong without the six pack like Jim Wendler.

Juicer. Add an apple and/or an orange to make the taste less repellant... or if you're a naughty boy like me, a shot of whiskey or vodka. >.>

Wanna know how I stopped my craving for ice cream once and for all? I ate so much, in one sitting, that an hour later I vomited my guts out. Now every time I think of ice cream, or put a jug in my cart, I remember that disgusting experience, and put it back on the shelf.

5-23-14 (Day 2 of Week 7) Squat • 115 2x5 • 135 1x5 • 155 1x5 • 175 1x5 • 205 5x5 I think I was doing something wrong as the longer I was squatting, the more I experienced lower back pain, which carried into my presses. Really struggling to get out of the hole, now. Maybe I'll go back to starting my warm-ups with 95 or even lighter. Overhead Press • 45 2x5 • 65 2x5 • 85 1x5 • 92.5 5x5 Back pain plus weak arms made these suck even more than they normally do. Twice I almost couldn't get the weight above my face. If I add a HIIT routine or three after lifting, it will definitely be all upper-body stuff like tornado ball, sledgehammer, punching bag, etc. Nothing under the Tabata protocol anytime soon, though, as that seems brutal. Deadlift • 135 2x5 • 185 1x5 • 250 1x5 Surprisingly enough, my back pain felt... "massaged away" during my first warm-up set, mostly. Can't explain it better than that. It's kind of tight right now sitting here and typing this, but otherwise okay. And yay, another milestone! Definitely much harder than a single 315, though I'm still not using straps or even chalk, and my grip is double-overhand. Probably will soon, once my poundage overtakes my grip strength. By the way, during my last few reps, I remembered someone on ironstrong.org's sig, something like "You can't hesitate during deadlifts, you have to be absolutely certain you're going to destroy the bar, the bar's mother, the bar's sister and brother, etc. etc" to the point that going up on my final rep I grunted, "Dee-STROY!!" My friend won't tell me if I was making a funny face at the time. (Even with a giant mirror eight feet in front of me, I couldn't see anything beyond the bar in my hands at that moment; it was like the entire world consisted of just me and the iron.)

Thanks for the words of encouragement, folks! Tomorrow I shall be going for 205. Let's hope this wasn't my ceiling...

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