Harihead

Thanks, Tank. Yes, I will keep looking. I'm not interested in stepping back a couple of decades in experience. It was a gorgeous day, and I did get out a little. Tonight I'm feeling relaxed for the first time in ages. I might actually sleep. Fri stats: Sleep: Almost 8 hours, about 4 of it "sound". Maintaining prep, 1 pill. Renew: Disappointing discussion with company #1, off to new adventures Blessing: The goose eggs hatched! Phys: Short walk + Tai Chi Fud: Very clean diet, some butter MFP projection = -1 pounds/week

This is all about the interview progress: I was disappointed when, after interview #2, they didn't schedule my "technical" call. Instead, HR wanted to follow up with me. We had the call this morning. It turned out my salary was the problem. They wanted to take an additional $15-25K off my salary-- after I'd already been talked down $10K (which would keep it even with my current job). Salary was one of the options I'd planned for. I'd already mentally decided if she offers me something in the low range, I would decline. And she did. Bummer. But I was prepared. I summarized some of my contributions that show how my experience would outweigh the salary. I reiterated how pleased I was with the company and how much I wanted to join their team. I pointed out that my (negotiated) salary requirement is actually a medium-range salary in the Denver area for someone with my experience, and I'm a top performer. So we're going off to think about it. I asked for a timeframe, and she said 2 weeks. I'm also going to decide if I'm willing to take that huge of a cut, but as I'm sitting here reflecting, I can't see taking a $20-30K pay cut (exact amount unknown, as salary increases and bonuses for my current job come out in May). I still intend to get out, but this offer seems as if maybe the job I was envisioning wasn't there after all. I'm grateful for the interviews and interest, though. They got me through a tough time and the company was very nice. It looks like it's back to the job boards. Have a great Friday, everyone.

Hmm, not only that, but the non-driver criticizing the driver. I'm sorry; it sounds difficult. I'm so glad you learned to love travel alone! I need to work on that. I almost always hike alone, because most of my friends just no longer do it. But traveling to a different city, that's wild. Good for you! Fingers crossed for your 2nd interview!

Thank you for the emotional boost. I bounce between feeling good and getting just racked. I feel okay tonight, but I've seen myself go up and down almost daily. I think that's the sustained exhaustion coming out. I sincerely hope once I start sleeping regularly, these mood swings will sort themselves out. I'm not at my peak, stability-wise. Thanks again. Thurs stats: Sleep: Almost 7 hours, about 4 of it "sound". Maintaining prep, 1 pill. Renew: 0 Blessing: Gorgeous snow-capped mountains Phys: Walk + Tai Chi Fud: Very clean diet, 1 gl champagne MFP projection = -1 pounds/week

I can say that my sleep problems are definitely mental. I was worried over an email from the company I'm interviewing with, where HR wanted to talk to me instead of the tech team. It's set up for Friday morning. I was convinced they wanted to give me the heave-ho, and that made me distraught, despite the other resumes in the mail. I really want to leave, and the idea of staying indefinitely at a place where I'm so isolated was more than I could handle. I'm definitely fragile and need more healing time. Fortunately friends convinced me it might be something different, as people usually don't make appts to dismiss candidates. So I'll see what it is tomorrow. In the meantime, I had a great massage and deep anxiety work from my wonderful therapeutic masseuse. I didn't sleep as long last night, but much better and sounder. Weds stats: Sleep: Almost 8 hours, but only 3.33 of it "sound". Renew: 0, just prep Blessing: Deep massage with nerve calming Phys: Walk + Tai Chi + meditation Fud: Very clean diet, some butter, 1 gl champagne MFP projection = -1 pounds/week

Tues stats: Sleep: Almost 8 hours, 7 of it "sound". Whahoo! New herbal remedy rocks!!!! Renew: Talked to book cover designer Blessing: All the flowers on the trees Phys: Walk + Tai Chi Fud: Very clean diet, 1 gl champagne MFP projection = -1.5 pounds/week

Whahoo! After last night's sleep fail (1/2 pill delayed made me drowsy all day), I bought a new herbal sleep prep from Gaia called "Sleep Thru". It worked GREAT! I show 7 solid hours of sleep before I broke into lighter sleep, almost 8 hours! I'm glad. Today could be tricky, and I need to have my wits about me. Yesterday was calm, as I worked at home. My self-care is so much better in my own environment. Mon stats: Sleep: 7 hours, 5 of it "sound". Delayed 1/2 pill not a good tactic. Renew: 1 more job application, uploaded sample file for server hosting Blessing: The wonderful people in Tai Chi who actually are interested in me Phys: Walk + Tai Chi class Fud: Really clean diet, some milk MFP projection = -2 pounds/week

Hmm, I may have a new sleep strategy here. What happened was, when I woke at 3 in the morning, I took half a pill. It made me a bit sluggish this morning (usually I spring out of bed), but it might be worth it for the extra sleep. With 1.5 pills spaced out, I ended up with 7.5 hours, almost 5 of it "sound". That's an improvement! I'm going back to 1 tonight, because I have a big, stressful meeting tomorrow AM, but I might try this again later in the week. In other news, lost another pound. That's 4 since this challenge began. I last hit this weight for about 3 weeks a year ago, and before that, not since 2010. Obviously I want to break the next barrier so I can have an inspiring MFP chart. I think this "challenge" is going to remain the way I eat from now on. I allow myself some exceptions, but they're in fact exceptional. My body obviously likes the clean food. There's something about a "mostly" paleo diet. The word should get out about it. Perhaps... a website, or a forum.... Nah! Have a good day, everyone!

Redid my resume once again. I like it much better now. It's more "general purpose" also, so I can resubmit it and handle the changes in the cover letter. Whew, applying's a battle! 4 hours to get it done and posted to 3 jobs. I wish I could say I now have the procedure down, but as Shaeon pointed out, every place is different. I also consulted the guy who runs my website server, and he can post the sample I need to show to Possible Employer #1. So that's great news. They still remain a much better fit than the 3 places I applied to today. In other news, no pills is no good. I'm not ready to solo yet. I have 2 hours of wind-down in front of me. Looking forward to it. Sun stats: Sleep: 6 hours, 3.5 of it "sound". Prepping bigtime, and 1 pill again. Renew: 3 job applications, arranged server hosting Blessing: My Mom's router got installed! Happy birthday! Phys: short walk + meditation Fud: Super-squeaky clean diet MFP projection = -1 pounds/week

I'm going to use the same plan. I've ID'd 3 jobs I plan to apply for today. Taking a little break. I'm frighteningly organized at this point. The idea of moving on energizes me. So great to hear about the herbs and round 2. Have a lovely day!

Shadowlion, you are so kind and supportive you're melting my heart. I feel you're giving me too much credit, but I will take your positive view as a pledge for super-correct behavior in the future. No tempers, no crying-- I honestly feel that's all behind me. There is such a better world out there, I just have to step forward into it. Playing "Sunshine" by Jonathon Edwards this morning and bopping around. Life is good. Week 2 Roundup: Exercise: Cardio = 6 workouts, but none of them too strenuous. B for week. Diet: Yes! 0 processed food, met alcohol limit of 7. A for week! Down 2 more pounds. Refresh: I achieved >= 7 hours total a night for only 3 nights this week. C for week. - Tai Chi and meditation sketchy this week. Renew: Super-dooper active on the new job front, plus some fiction gains. A+ for week.

Thank you so much, Hilary! It's healing my heart to know that better possibilities are out there. It will all be okay. Today was the first day in two months I actually felt myself decompress. Around noon, this cloud lifted off me, and I felt my old self again. Thank goodness for snow, quiet, and Ferris Bueller's Day Off playing on Amazon Prime. Talk about a perfect movie for me. Sat stats: Sleep: 6 hours, 5 of it "sound". Tonight, feeling peaceful, I'm going to go all wacky and take no pills. Just to see. Renew: Contacted another photographer for head shot (message) and two graphic artists about covers. Blessing: This whole day. From the snow to the peace to a long sweet talk with my Mom and Dad. Phys: Laundry + meditation. I'm going to play guitar now. It's been too long. Fud: Pretty clean diet, one truffle MFP projection = -1 pounds/week

Wow, that's such an empowering way to look at it. Yes, this is a compromise kind of place. I want more than that. I will seek and I hope find. Thanks for the lovely viewpoint. > Sneaky boss is sneaky. She's ridiculous. Today she tried to trick me into sharing my software license with a whole division. What the...?!?!? I sent her the license terms and she backed off. She can't do anything above board. It's all manipulation. I am tiring of this little self-involved irritant. Tomorrow is snow. Looking forward to a quiet day. Fri stats: Sleep: 7 hours, 5.5 of it "sound". 1 pill seems to work as well as 2, so 1 again. Renew: Contacted photographer for head shot (message) Blessing: Long chat with friend. Phys: Walks, Tai Chi + meditation Fud: Pretty clean diet, some dairy MFP projection = -1 pounds/week

Whahoo! That is so awesome about round 2. > I basically get to be in charge of the doc and build something myself This is a GREAT position to be in, provided of course you don't get overwork hell. I'm documenting the dickens out of my daily life, because boss keeps adding on in sneaky little ways. My friend M very compassionately observed she was in way over her head, and I definitely agree. I do find it strange that, with all that's going on, no one has dropped in to see how I'm doing. Not the director, who gave such an inspiring speech of going-forward support, not the VP who had a nice talk with me for 90 minutes (which really helped the director meeting go smoothly), not the training guy who was the first one I confided in at work (and led to my first call to the director). Certainly not my boss, who is actively avoiding me, declining meetings, and working with her door shut. It's super weird. It's like, no one wants to talk to me. I was reading over some of my recs in LinkedIn, and person after person says how much fun I am to work with, team player, etc. Yet this place treats me like a pariah. I just don't get it. I reach out and.... people don't follow up. They really don't want to know me or have anything to do with me. They just want me to produce. Yes, of course, I can always follow up myself. But I'm the upset one. Wouldn't you think, if you cared a scrap about a person, you'd drop in or just send a ping saying, "How are you doing? How did the meeting go?" But nothing. This place is very strange. Anyway, best wishes to both of us for our next round!

Thank you for such a kind and thoughtful post, Shaeon. Yes, the more they try to pretend nothing's wrong, the weirder it gets. Just detach and let go, already! How did your interview go? Mine went well enough; I'm graduating to round 3. This is the technical grilling one. Actually, I feel pretty comfortable about that. The one thing I consistently count upon is my geekhood. Tired. Up prepping for interview at 5:30 AM, leaving work at 5:30 PM, met a friend for drinks and catch-up after work, home around 8. Ready for a nice movie and then bed! Thurs stats: Sleep: Better. 7 hours, 5 of it "sound". 1 pill tonight; hope it works. Renew: Interview turned out to be about culture. I really like them more and more. I hope they pick me! Blessing: Stress from friend I hired and boss fired appears to be mellowed out. He's an absolutely awesome man. Phys: Zip physical + meditation Fud: Very clean diet, 2 red wine MFP projection = -1 pounds/week

Yeah, well, the positive light was short-lived. The boss stayed at home and sent me passive-aggressive emails all day. I was originally going to spec one project, then 2, now 3 by the same date. Gosh, could this be how the work adds up? I'm documenting it all. It's important to stay detached and positive during the interview. Good for your manager who understood when it was time for people to move on! That's an extraordinary talent. We'll see if my current management is as graceful. Wed stats: Sleep: 6 hours, 4 of it "sound". Hoping to do better tonight. 2 pills again. Renew: Detailed interview prep! Blessing: The boss stayed home Phys: walk + bike + Tai Chi Fud: Awesomely clean diet MFP projection = -2 pounds/week

I have one Thursday morning!!!! You realize we are both awesomesauce, don't you? Because we ROCK THE WORLD!!!! WHOOOOHOOOOOOO!

You are both so sweet, I'm wibbling with gratitude! *wibble* > Them taking all this stuff personally is just more evidence that they are crappy at what they do. It's sweet of you to say, and I SO appreciate the support. But they do good things, too. I'm becoming very generous now that I've decided to make an (I hope) dignified exit. I did learn some marketing things from weirdo strange boss who is now refusing to see me and spends her days hiding from me. Director is not my style but I think he believes his own rhetoric and really does want a family around him. But I'm not his family. I'm painfully, cuttingly lonely being the smartest kid on the block and he can't change that. I so desperately want to be included in my daily life, it's worth almost any price to leave. They do good in their way, but their way isn't my way, and I'm eager to find a new gig. I've rehearsed my exit speech mentally and it will break your heart with its kindness. I hope. I really do mean to be kind. BP down to 97/75 after work today. There's an improvement you can put in your logbook. Tues stats: Sleep: ~7 hours, 4-5 of it "sound"? (no UP) Renew: Picked 2 more jobs to apply for if the interview tanks. Blessing: Tanktimus and Shaeon's posts. You are so amazing. You rock my world. Phys: walk + meditation Fud: Clean diet, but some champagne, oh yeah MFP projection = -0.5 pounds/week

You're so kind! And... dare I say it... encouraging! Now that I've accepted the type of environment I work in, it's time for me to take charge. I was hoping to just do my work and let someone else "worry" about the management for this gig, but with all the self-promotion and misinformation going on, it's clearly time for me to put back on my management hat and treat my boss as if she was an employee I had put on a performance improvement plan. Since her response to me asking questions about her choices is to hide, I'm setting up a weekly meeting where she will state the priorities (she is still the boss), and I will write them up and copy the director. No more public about-faces. That kind of crap is over. I'm also hopeful about the interview Thursday and plan to spend much of the next 2 days preparing for it. And in a special treat, I'm bringing back to the office one personal item: a rubber hadrosaur I bought at Dinosaur National Monument. In troubling times, I plan to reenact Walsh's opening scene in Firefly. Sleep not so great; forgot to turn on UP. It's between 5 and 7 hours; kind of restless. But 7 is better than six! Thanks, all. HH

Very interesting meeting with the director and my boss. Director apparently has finally read my perf review and is now terrified that I'm going to bolt (or as he says, I'm an "at risk" employee). Offered me complete support with other teams and a one-person workload all year. Generously took the blame for ignoring my cries for help all year. (But emphasized the help they did give: voice talent and one half-time outside contractor for 3-person load.) Boss was really interesting. Beaming hate beams at me entire time, which of course the director didn't pick up on. What's cool is how bald-faced she lied. About immediately double-booking me with two huge projects, she said, "No projects are scheduled." She mentioned sending me home after the first meltdown, but not anything about ordering me to work over the weekends. I didn't call her out, because I didn't want to yield the high ground, but now I know she's a lying liar, it explains why perhaps director was failing to act; according to her, it's all just fine. She's probably a combination of self-centered and incompetent. My mistake in letting a preteen pretend to be a boss. So, thinking about it, I'm going to schedule a regular Monday meeting with lying-lair boss and clarify priorities and goals for the week, then send it out on email and copy the director and team, if relevant. So she can't do a flip like give me two projects and claim I blew up over nothing. Heck, if I were the director, I'd think I was a maniac. He was very impressed with the sensible materials I brought to the meeting to address our problems. He was very nice, but I think there's no future for me. I'll be tolerated and resented my entire stay. Now for fun stuff! So nervous today I didn't eat much. Maybe tonight I'll sleep. Good prep so far. 2 pills Mon stats: Sleep: 6.5 hours, 4 of it "sound". Renew: Developed statistics to use at my interview Thurs Blessing: Nice lady at DMV gave me a temp tag until I can get my emissions done. Yay for no tickets! Phys: walk + Tai Chi class, very soothing Fud: Clean diet, yogurt MFP projection = -2.3 pounds/week

Forums are broken! I can't edit any previous posts, so my apologies for the duplicate days. (I copy the lines and then update, or I did....) Sun stats: Sleep: Forgot to turn UP to sleep mode, but got ~5-6 hours. Renew: Reviewed new potential jobs, read another bullying book Blessing: Noticed my tags are expired! Trick is to get them updated before I get a ticket. Phys: bike ride + meditation Fud: Super clean diet, no exceptions! MFP projection = -2 pounds/week

I just got a dialog box with no letters also. And I can't edit any posts. Forums are broken! > This was deemed more important than, say, writing good documentation (my writing carries a weight of about 5 points out of 100 on my annual review). Wow, that's so true. In one of my first performance reviews for this job, I had a line item where I reverse engineered an entire help system in literally days for a client to put in context-sensitive hooks then developed a process for exporting/reimporting it in three languages, or we would be in default of this major contract. I was acknowledged for my ability to proofread my boss's Powerpoints. Make some room there for more head pounding!

Good on you for focusing on the positive! I need to make more meditation time in my schedule also. > most of my waking life is spent at work. I'm not going to spend it in survival mode. Survival is insufficient. I agree. When options are available, I'd like to try one that will get me a little happier. Have a good week!

Week 1 Roundup: Exercise: Cardio = A for week. 4 okay and 2 excellent workouts. Diet: Water and processed food okay, alcohol 9 vs 7. B for week. Down 1 pound. Refresh: ! achieved >= 7 hours total a night for 6 nights. B for week. - Tai Chi or meditation only 5x this week. Renew: Super active on the new job front. A for week.

Sat stats: Sleep: Only 2 hours per UP. Renew: Backed up laptop Blessing: Complete wallow day! Made it through 2 seasons of "Newsroom" Phys: COMPLETE POTATO! No walk + Tai Chi or meditation, zip Fud: Clean diet, some cheese, 2 wine MFP projection = -0 pounds/week Sun stats: Sleep: Forgot to turn UP to sleep mode, but got 5-6 hours. Renew: Reviewed new potential jobs, read another bullying book Blessing: Phys: walk + Tai Chi or meditation Fud: Clean diet, MFP projection = -x pounds/week