Harihead

I'm sorry, Swampling. That makes 3 of us I know who are working this weekend. Once in a while is expected, but all the time really erodes quality of life. I finally posted the last module last night about 9:20 PM, just in time for the Israelites to see it when they got into work Sunday (they take Friday and Sat off). I will spend today going through the modules and posting the final versions into a clean shell of the course. That's 16 modules to post, so I'm expecting another long day. Fortunately the weather has improved, so I can get a good walk in this afternoon. I did quite a bit of walking, in and out of snow, yesterday as well. I went shopping and bought interview clothes! They need some tailoring, so I immediately got them into the shop. The tailor was a dear; I'd never met a genuine tailor before. He says he's the last in Colorado. A kind man and a true craftsmith. So I will have two suits that are conservative enough for corporate America, but creative enough to function as a representative of a creative product. Mix and match will give me many outfits, which is important if the consulting job comes through. That phone interview (phase 1) is Tuesday. I celebrated posting the last module with champagne. Big mistake. Back to 4ish hours of sleep, despite having taken two sleep pills. I really hope I get some rest before the interview, so I don't have giant pauses in my sentences. Today, laundry!

Thanks, Tank. And here I thought I was so clever, saying No to working through last weekend. At least it will be done Monday. I have a phone interview Tues, which I am looking forward to. Thanks for your interest and support. It really helps. Here, have a bag of gold!

I started work at 6:30 AM. At 3 PM I went into the office, and just got back home at 9. 14-hour day. Normally I average 9-11 hours. This is the Death Marchiest of Death Marches. But this project will be put to bed Monday... after I work all weekend. Sleep: 6 hours, 5 of it "sound" - Repeating herbal & 1 pill prep tonight also sans alcohol. Fri: Super-duper clean diet,. I felt very nourished, eating good food at home. Phys: Too oppressed to walk, but did Tai Chi MFP projection = -2 pounds/week Renew: You gotta be kidding me. I have to leave the house by 9:30 tomorrow. Bugs me because I'd like to sleep in if by some miracle I relax, but it's not to be. On the plus side, I'll be shopping for the new clothes I'll wear on my interview, when I get one. Sleep: 6 hours, 5 of it "sound" - The herbal & 1 pill prep are not up to the task. I have no meetings tomorrow, so I'm taking 2 pills. I HOPE I can sleep. 8 would be lovely! Sat: Moderately clean diet, eating out (sausage, butter, champagne) Phys: Long walk + mini-Tai Chi MFP projection = 0 pounds/week Renew: New interview clothes!

> I've changed my mind about that. If she has something to say, she should have the courage to say it. Very glad about this. You sound like you're handling it great. Hang in there, for everything!

Hmm, I seem to view GF1 more harshly than you do. Do you really want to wade into all that at this juncture? I'd suggest blocking her at the first sign of weirdness. Often people who were bad for us fill a dysfunction in our life. If the goal is to get functional, these folks just won't help. All up to you, obviously! Just some cautionary advice. Cheers.

Hi, Shaeon! We are apparently soul twins. The daily stress leads to bad sleep. Early and late hours without sufficient sleep stink! Regarding Internet apps, yes, they are a pain. I keep my info in a text file so I can copy & paste. It helps a little. I manage to apply to one place a week. No response to the lady who was going to set up the interview. Apparently everyone is on a slower schedule than me. So glad you have a sister to share Mom stories with. I have a network of single friends who look out for each. Perhaps you have the same; it might calm Mom down.

BP is amazing. It can leap or plunge 10 points in a sitting. Once, I was trying to give blood and the nurse said my BP was too low. It was only like 2 points too low. She said, "Think about work." She retook it in about a minute, and it had risen 10 points! So stress is a huge factor, and your BP is just one way of telling you that. Other physical signs and lack of good sleep just put a crown on it. Speaking of which, poor sleep is back. 2 things set it off. A blizzard-- it was supposed to be 1-3 inches-- practically marooned me at work even though the director and VP ordered me out of the building early. When I got home about 2:30, I couldn't make myself go back to work on the puny 1-screen setup I have here, with lots of window shuffling and nonstandard keyboard. So I plan to work extra long today (again, I have averaged 9 hours/day for 2 months) to "make up". For a blizzard. Where everyone else took the day off. (The director said "We're the only 4 people in the building.") The second thing is my performance appraisal got scheduled for next week. I hate appraisals at the best of times; I hate being judged by people who know less than I do. Even if it's a good review, I get angry. Now I'm looking forward to being scolded, to being told that, she's so sorry, but since I didn't meet my dates she can't see fit to give me a raise or bonus this year, despite the fact that I'm doing the workload of 4 people. Literally; we used to have 3 people doing eLearning who have all moved on, while the workload has quadrupled. I keep trying to make these crazy dates, and it's apparent I can't anymore, not with the complexity and interactivity they want. So I'm being spanked. So it's not Hari's happiest time. I took the evening off and watched some Adderly's, but even the 2 glasses of wine I drank over, I don't know, 4 hours, seems to have affected my sleep. Tossed and turned and finally got up shortly after 6. Tired again. I hope to fix it tonight. Sleep: Not good, 7 hours, 3 of it "sound" - The 2 wines were too much. Repeating herbal & 1 pill prep tonight sans alcohol. Thurs: Mostly clean diet, some cheese Phys: Short snowy walk + shoveling + Tai Chi MFP projection = -1 pounds/week Renew: Finalized phone interview for Tues next week

Whahoo! Lost a pound, FINALLY. Could it have something to do with the clean diet and better rest? ...Nah! Sleep: Repeat of yesterday, 8 hours, 6 of it "sound" - Repeating herbal & 1 pill prep tonight Wed: Mostly clean diet, some dairy, 2 red wine. Phys: Blizzard so no walk (apart from forging drifts to get home; it's thigh-deep out there). Shoveling + meditation MFP projection = -0.25 pounds/week Renew: Responded to new potential employment place to schedule an interview.

I didn't think of it myself. A friend suggested I see the doc and ask for help. I really don't think of medication, but in this case, it's turning out to be a life-saver. I woke up feeling fresh and just dived into writing today. What a pleasure to have my brain back! Sleep: 7.5 hours, only 5 hours "deep" - my meds seem to have a 1-day adjustment period, after which they stop working so well. Tonight, back to Deep Sleep and herbal tea sleep prep, only 1 pill Mon: Awesome super-duper very clean diet Phys: long walk + Tai Chi (class) MFP projection = -2.2 pounds/week Renew: Fic-writing summary to accountability buddy Sleep: 8 hours, 6 of it "sound" - The Deep Sleep and herbal tea prep is working! Repeating tonight, only 1 pill Tues: Another super-awesome super-duper clean diet. I rock. Phys: walk + Tai Chi (slow) MFP projection = -2 pounds/week Renew: 0 More excitement: The first job I applied to just over 2 weeks ago says they want a phone interview! This is exciting because it looks fun. I will respond back tomorrow with a list of good dates. And even more excitement: Took my bp after work today and it had plunged to 111/76 (vs 130+/83+). I think that by addressing the root causes, and working on sleep and relaxation (Tai Chi and meditation) is having a very good effect. Hooray, because ideally I'd like to be conscious during my phone interview. Things are turning around!

Week 3 Roundup: Hooray for drugs. They're going to help me deal with the icky job stuff. Exercise: Cardio = A-. Barely met my weekly goal again, just nipped under. The snow didn't help. Diet: F for the week. Giving in to processed food, wine, and cheese. I hope with more sleep, I'll get more discipline. Refresh: B for the week. Making good progress toward reining in the anxiety. Renew: A+ for the week. I rocked this one. Some new job task almost every day, and an awesome fiction-writing weekend Sleep: 9.5 hours, whahoo! (double-dose of drug). 7 hours "deep" Sun: Very clean diet + 1 red wine Phys: long walk + Tai Chi MFP projection = -1 pounds/week Renew: Super fic writing, 3 stories edited, 1 novel (5 chaps), more stories in mail

I've lost track of the days... Here's a random update. Sleep: 7.5, 6.5 hours "solid" Fri: Relatively poor diet, donut + wine put me over the edge. Aerobics: short walk + meditation MFP projection = +1 pounds/week Renew: Contacted recruiter Sleep: 8 hours sleep, first in 2 weeks! Only 5 "solid", though. Sat: Again relatively poor diet, pizza, crackers + wine (I hosted a party) Aerobics: cleaning + Tai Chi MFP projection = -x pounds/week Renew: Writing workshop

THE MEDS WORK! I did wake up 4ish, and went right back to sleep. I was able to stay in bed 7.5 whole hours without watching the clock, reading, petting the cat, making tea, or any of the other things I do when I'm up in the early hours. HOORAY! Thanks for the encouraging words, everyone. I'm counting down the days.

Thanks for the pep talk, Shaeon. It's very nice to have a sympathetic ear. Sleep: 5 hours "solid" Thurs: Clean diet Aerobics: short walk + meditation MFP projection = -0 pounds/week Renew: 0 Boss tried to strong-arm me into finishing project this week. I told her no, it will be done by the 29th, not the 22nd. I'm not working the weekend. She can resent me if she wants.

Tank, you are AWESOME! Thanks for the laugh. My stress is definitely due to the crappy job. When I had to go in this morning, I nearly started crying. I do have an exit plan, which helps. But going in to this plain old exploitation every day does take its toll. Thanks, man. I appreciate the kind words. And I'm totally in love with your cartoon.

Sleep: Forgot to turn UP on (grrr), that's how tired I am! Tues: Moderate diet - some cheese, wine and chocolate Aerobics: long walk + Tai Chi MFP projection = -0 pounds/week Renew: Updated resume per comments Sleep: only 5 hours again Wed: Super-duper clean diet + 1 red wine Aerobics: walk + meditation MFP projection = -1 pounds/week Renew: Applied for another job I had a chat with an image consultant who's helped me out before. She's going to assist me with finding a couple of power suits for interviews. While I was explaining the situation to her, she suggested I see my doctor. The clenched knot in the stomach, the persistently poor sleep 3 weeks after the meltdown, are all not so good. I really don't like the idea of meds (reference my super cholesterol challenge), but I'm really not doing well physically. I look 5 years older than I did last month. Anyway, I made an appt for tomorrow. We'll see how the drug consult goes. For me, it's more annoying than hard to find a job. I just have to make time and apply. My resume was vetted by an HR chief, so it's pretty good. I just spiffed it up with some graphics. No call on the first job, bummer, but I'm only getting started. I write primarily science fiction and some fantasy, also alternative history. I have many irons in the fire, or would, if I wasn't so busy being beaten down by my job. I turned in the self-evaluation part of my performance appraisal today. I gave myself stellar marks, and pointed out that I'm now carrying 4x the original workload from year 1-- and that year they had 3 people doing 1/4th the work load! If they don't take action on this, I'm going to feel no guilt whatsoever sticking them with whatever is left undone for my next huge project. Thanks for the interest!

May it be so, Tank. Thank you.

Sleep: 9 hours, but only 5 "deep" per UP-- feels right. I'm draggy with baggy eyes. Look like a war orphan. Mon: clean diet + a little dairy from yesterday's Indian leftovers, 1 red wine Phys: short walk + Tai Chi (class) MFP projection = 0.2 pounds/week Renew: 0

Week 2 Roundup: Tough week due to the work situation. Still very difficult to sleep. I did back off on everything this weekend and just rested. That seems to be resetting the constant upset I've lived with the last 2 weeks. The exhaustion was creeping into everything. Exercise: Cardio = A-. Met my weekly goal per MFP but not by much. REALLY tired, so workouts were hard. Diet: C for the week. I went a little crazy this weekend because it was my birthday, so some eating out Tues, Fri & Sun and wine brought the exceptions up. Refresh: B for the week. Starting to calm down, but still choppy. Renew: B for the week. Making steady progress toward finding a new job.

Keep rocking it! You're a sloth so I know you will hang in there.

> I'm actually challenging the belief that she and I are supposed to remain very close friends right now, though. We've grown apart in a lot of ways. Sounds like it's time to retire this friend. Sometimes people grow apart; no one's fault. The nice thing about friends (vs family) is that you really don't have to put up with their shit; if they get out of line, you just ease off the relationship and move on. If someone is trying to make you feel bad, this is not a good friend. I'm glad you're looking at doc alternatives. I'm very happy I switched. Hang in there!

I'm sorry about the trailer life, but you are wise to avoid the commute. I'm doing my own serious stress at work stuff, and not liking it one bit. I've slept over 7 hours only twice in 2 weeks; very tough. > Second, I am going to start over on the NF Academy. It is time to prioritize my fitness more and I felt it was a good time to respawn. I did that and loved it. It's so cool to see how much I've really learned and incorporated into my life. Hang in there!

Argh. The maid moved the scale, and this morning I weighed 3 more pounds. It's a touchy old thing, and the dial must have jiggled, so now I've lost my weight continuity. I will have to reset and go on from the new weight (0 isn't 0, unfortunately). Sigh. In better news, I actually slept through the night. Woke up too early, but not vastly early. I'm a little tired from the extended work and low-sleep fest. I hope I can take some naps this weekend. Sleep: 7.5 hours, 5.5 solid Fri: Moderately clean diet (bagel & cream cheese, 2 red wine) Phys: massage + walk + Tai Chi MFP projection = -0.5 pounds/week Renew: 0 Sleep: 6 hours, broken Fri: clean diet Phys: ? + Tai Chi MFP projection = 0.5 pounds/week Renew: Angry & sad. The massage therapist asked how I was doing, and I went through the whole work thing again. I have a rock in my stomach. She says there are deeper issues I have to work through. Right now I just want to punch a wall, as it's against the law to punch the jackass who really deserves it. I'm really going to try to relax. That's a stretch goal.

Sleep: 7.5 hours last night, yay! Weds: pretty clean diet - yogurt + red meat (yak) Aerobics: walk + Tai Chi MFP projection = -0.5 pounds/week Renew: looked up artists, reviewed resume Sleep: 6 solid Thurs: clean diet Aerobics: BWx2 + walk + Tai Chi MFP projection = -1 pounds/week Renew: Not a whisker. Worked 10 hours.

LOL! Tank, that cartoon is perfect! Yeah, that was me last Tuesday. This Tuesday, I'm more subtle. I'm mining the bridge for remote detonation. > Congrats on getting a job application in already! Keeping my fingers crossed that you can leave the current unhealthy workplace ASAP! Thanks, Swampling! It's done my spirit a world of good to start looking "out there" for something that's not quite so unhappy for me. Tues: moderately clean diet - dinner with bread, butter, and 1 red wine Aerobics: yoga + walk + Tai Chi MFP projection = -1 pounds/week Renew: Got the names of 2 recruiters Last night I actually did sleep over 7 hours. That's 2 days of 7+ hour sleep in 10 days! Whahoo, what a champ! ...not so much. But working on it! I've added kava-kava to the meditation/tea/valerian mix.

> After that visit, I decided that in future visits I would draw certain lines with my doctor, specifically: I am not open to extreme measures while my health situation is not also extreme Wow, so glad you had a good, productive talk with your doc. My previous one went all non-linear over my cholesterol and put a black mark in my record because I "refused medication" (which I did). I was so pissed I dropped him and found a doctor I like much better. My cholesterol has been dropping as I've lost weight and improved my diet, and she was willing to work with me. Lo and behold, last test I came out in the optimum range! Take that, stupid drug-pusher doctor! My word, everyone wants to solve everything with a pill. Good on you for doing the deep work.