cartwheelskeleton

August 22nd, 2016 As I type this, my kitten Ben is swarming around my head like a shark and rubbing his face on my face. What a goofball. Anyway, I did okay at work today. It was a coworker's birthday so she brought in a cake. I allowed myself a piece under the condition that I only have one, which I was surprised to accomplish given my track record with sweets. I think I'm going to start logging food on MFP again to get an idea of how many calories I'm consuming these days.

Here we are once again, me and my battle log. It's been a very long time, I see. I've done very well maintaining a consistent exercise schedule, with the exception of the three weeks I was in Japan, the week or so after my return (experienced some ambivalence in finding a gym), and the week I moved to Grand Rapids (didn't have access to gym yet). However, I'm still struggling with food. Although my meals are pretty on point, the binge-eating--as I've come to understand it--is still very much present, perhaps not every day but certainly every week. I'm in the early stages of exploration, but I'm sure I'm using food as a way to make up for something I lack. **side note: the apple I'm eating right now kind of tastes like onion...** I'll try to remember to update this every now and again.

February 17th (middle of week 7 of my respawn) Hello! Been a little while, although I'm really only writing to myself, with whom I spend every ounce of my time. Anyway, here are some things: I rewarded myself with hiking boots to celebrate one month of consistency, so that's pretty neat! I haven't got any solid hiking plans yet, but I have some ideas for weekend hikes in the area once the weather gets better. I'm still weight training three times per week, and I'm pretty proud of myself for sticking to it. Part of what has helped me is the mutual accountability I have with my friend Jake; even though he doesn't join me at the gym for every workout, he's with me at least once a week. I've been working relatively hard on my diet, which has needed some serious attention. Although my meals and such have generally been pretty healthy, I realized after a week or two of tracking my calories that I'd been eating WAY below what I needed to maintain my energy levels and such (think around 700-1000 cals per day). I was shocked, mostly because I wasn't experiencing unusual amounts of hunger on lower calorie days. Jake and I worked on this a bit together, and I'm at a much better point right now, but I know I still have work to do. Right now the biggest stressor I have is my job search. I'll be graduating this May and have no idea where I'm going to end up--it's a pretty scary thought. There's a big part of me that truly fears not finding a job out of grad school, especially because I don't want to move somewhere without knowing if employment will be available in the area. I'm excited to earn my Master's degree and obtain licensure as a counselor, but what if I don't find a job right away? Also, cover letters are the worst.

Still in Athens, so Columbus isn't a very far drive. I'd love to meet up with others some weekend, too! =]

February 6th: Mewtwo's birthday, and one month of consistent exercise for me! Not quite a month of consistency in logging my food or drinking enough water, but I've been doing very well with both of those for the past few weeks (water has been most difficult). Last night was rough, as I binged on pie, mozzarella sticks, and potato skins. I felt super sick afterward, and the nausea carried over a bit into this morning. But I still went to the gym and had a very enlightening workout. My friend Jake joined me this morning, and he pointed out that I've been doing my barbell rows incorrectly. Apparently, I've been overcompensating for my wimpy rhomboids by using a different muscle (maybe my lats?), which also completely affects my form. In my previous mindset, I would be completely discouraged and embarrassed, not wanting to try again for a while. Today, however, I decided to buy a pair of 5-lb dumbbells and commit to working on improving this area. This was awesome for a couple very similar reasons. First, my immediate reaction wasn't to feel bad about myself. That's hella cool. Second, I was motivated by this discovery and even have taken steps to get stronger and better myself. I'm super proud of the progress I've made, both physically and mentally; I've got a much more positive mindset and am becoming more and more resilient. Here's to another month of being awesome.

2/3/16 So much for writing after class yesterday. Bright side, I made progress on homework! Yay! Anyway, I think this will mostly act as a space for me to reflect and process struggles, seeing as I can't imagine anyone seeking out such a battle log. My main concern as of late revolves around sugar. I'm not sure if I would call my relationship to sweets an addiction, as I don't find myself constantly thinking about dessert or actively pursuing it, but some of my actions have been rather concerning to me. For example, yesterday night I had a craving for something sweet before bedtime and ended up eating a piece of cake from my roomie's birthday this past weekend--I didn't even like it, but I felt compelled to keep eating. What was I trying to satisfy? Certainly not hunger; I'd recently finished dinner and had a couple cups of tea. Maybe it was a self-soothing type thing, I know I eat more when I'm stressed or anxious... Regardless, I'm having a difficult time managing this. Maybe it's an issue with willpower; if it's available, I will eat it. And more often than not, I will eat ALL of it. Time for work, so I'll explore it more later.

Hello, friends! I'm working on my respawn and have been doing pretty well for the last two weeks, at least in terms of consistency. I'd been thinking of journaling about my struggles and remembered that I already have a place I can do that! So I'll update this as often as possible, but as a full-time grad student, part-time graduate assistant, and part-time counseling intern, time is a very difficult thing to find. Anyway, hello again! I'll write more after my classes today.

Keep fighting the good fight, my friend! And also I hope your family gets better soon!

Hey! Just checking in. I hope you're doing alright!

I just read your challenge thread update from yesterday. I'm sorry to hear that you're having a rough time, too :/ I'm sending all of the positive vibes for this week!

I'm hoping to regain some motivation this week since it's the start of the semester. Last week was awful though, to be honest, and I'm currently having a rough time coming back from it. How about you?

I generally use an app called "Calm" and go through their guided meditations, during which I'll sit in a comfortable spot (i.e.: my bed, yoga mat, etc).

Thank you! I've been working this week on reframing situations to see things in a more positive light. I know that that will be rough some days, but I'm going to put affirmations around my room to see if they help =]

Declined or not, that takes a lot of bravery! Regarding the rest, I hope everything gets better. I'm here if you need anything =]

Hahaha, I know the feeling! And thank you <3

Week 2 update complete! Thanks to everyone who offered support this past week. I truly appreciate it =]

As I mentioned in another thread, I built up the courage to open up more to one of my best friends, something I struggle to do with my in-person friends. It's terrifying to be so vulnerable sometimes, so I'm glad my friend was so receptive!