cartwheelskeleton

August 22nd, 2016

As I type this, my kitten Ben is swarming around my head like a shark and rubbing his face on my face. What a goofball.

Anyway, I did okay at work today. It was a coworker's birthday so she brought in a cake. I allowed myself a piece under the condition that I only have one, which I was surprised to accomplish given my track record with sweets.

I think I'm going to start logging food on MFP again to get an idea of how many calories I'm consuming these days.

Here we are once again, me and my battle log. It's been a very long time, I see.

I've done very well maintaining a consistent exercise schedule, with the exception of the three weeks I was in Japan, the week or so after my return (experienced some ambivalence in finding a gym), and the week I moved to Grand Rapids (didn't have access to gym yet).

However, I'm still struggling with food. Although my meals are pretty on point, the binge-eating--as I've come to understand it--is still very much present, perhaps not every day but certainly every week. I'm in the early stages of exploration, but I'm sure I'm using food as a way to make up for something I lack. **side note: the apple I'm eating right now kind of tastes like onion...** I'll try to remember to update this every now and again.

February 17th (middle of week 7 of my respawn)

Hello! Been a little while, although I'm really only writing to myself, with whom I spend every ounce of my time. Anyway, here are some things:

I rewarded myself with hiking boots to celebrate one month of consistency, so that's pretty neat! I haven't got any solid hiking plans yet, but I have some ideas for weekend hikes in the area once the weather gets better. I'm still weight training three times per week, and I'm pretty proud of myself for sticking to it. Part of what has helped me is the mutual accountability I have with my friend Jake; even though he doesn't join me at the gym for every workout, he's with me at least once a week.

I've been working relatively hard on my diet, which has needed some serious attention. Although my meals and such have generally been pretty healthy, I realized after a week or two of tracking my calories that I'd been eating WAY below what I needed to maintain my energy levels and such (think around 700-1000 cals per day). I was shocked, mostly because I wasn't experiencing unusual amounts of hunger on lower calorie days. Jake and I worked on this a bit together, and I'm at a much better point right now, but I know I still have work to do.

Right now the biggest stressor I have is my job search. I'll be graduating this May and have no idea where I'm going to end up--it's a pretty scary thought. There's a big part of me that truly fears not finding a job out of grad school, especially because I don't want to move somewhere without knowing if employment will be available in the area. I'm excited to earn my Master's degree and obtain licensure as a counselor, but what if I don't find a job right away? Also, cover letters are the worst.

Still in Athens, so Columbus isn't a very far drive. I'd love to meet up with others some weekend, too! =]

February 6th: Mewtwo's birthday, and one month of consistent exercise for me! Not quite a month of consistency in logging my food or drinking enough water, but I've been doing very well with both of those for the past few weeks (water has been most difficult).

Last night was rough, as I binged on pie, mozzarella sticks, and potato skins. I felt super sick afterward, and the nausea carried over a bit into this morning. But I still went to the gym and had a very enlightening workout. 

My friend Jake joined me this morning, and he pointed out that I've been doing my barbell rows incorrectly. Apparently, I've been overcompensating for my wimpy rhomboids by using a different muscle (maybe my lats?), which also completely affects my form. In my previous mindset, I would be completely discouraged and embarrassed, not wanting to try again for a while. Today, however, I decided to buy a pair of 5-lb dumbbells and commit to working on improving this area.

This was awesome for a couple very similar reasons. First, my immediate reaction wasn't to feel bad about myself. That's hella cool. Second, I was motivated by this discovery and even have taken steps to get stronger and better myself. I'm super proud of the progress I've made, both physically and mentally; I've got a much more positive mindset and am becoming more and more resilient. Here's to another month of being awesome.

2/3/16

So much for writing after class yesterday. Bright side, I made progress on homework! Yay! Anyway, I think this will mostly act as a space for me to reflect and process struggles, seeing as I can't imagine anyone seeking out such a battle log.

My main concern as of late revolves around sugar. I'm not sure if I would call my relationship to sweets an addiction, as I don't find myself constantly thinking about dessert or actively pursuing it, but some of my actions have been rather concerning to me. For example, yesterday night I had a craving for something sweet before bedtime and ended up eating a piece of cake from my roomie's birthday this past weekend--I didn't even like it, but I felt compelled to keep eating. What was I trying to satisfy? Certainly not hunger; I'd recently finished dinner and had a couple cups of tea. Maybe it was a self-soothing type thing, I know I eat more when I'm stressed or anxious...

Regardless, I'm having a difficult time managing this. Maybe it's an issue with willpower; if it's available, I will eat it. And more often than not, I will eat ALL of it.

Time for work, so I'll explore it more later.

Hello, friends!

I'm working on my respawn and have been doing pretty well for the last two weeks, at least in terms of consistency. I'd been thinking of journaling about my struggles and remembered that I already have a place I can do that! So I'll update this as often as possible, but as a full-time grad student, part-time graduate assistant, and part-time counseling intern, time is a very difficult thing to find.

Anyway, hello again! I'll write more after my classes today.

My week five has been crap, so far. Sick kids, sick wife, annoying puppy barking half the night away. Still alive and kicking though, and getting on NF enough for my 2nd Goal. 

Keep fighting the good fight, my friend! And also I hope your family gets better soon!

Hey! Just checking in. I hope you're doing alright!

Same here. I've been having a lot of problems with school. Summer semesters are never fun. I'm still running into problems with changing majors, but hoping to turn things around this semester 

Stay strong. 

I just read your challenge thread update from yesterday. I'm sorry to hear that you're having a rough time, too :/ I'm sending all of the positive vibes for this week!

Since this is an accountabilibuddy group... hows everyone been doing this week?

I'm hoping to regain some motivation this week since it's the start of the semester. Last week was awful though, to be honest, and I'm currently having a rough time coming back from it. How about you?

and oh Broompeople! can you explain how does the meditation happen? i would like to try but i don't get what it actually is. it looks like someone is pretending to sleep but i bet there is something more to it.

I generally use an app called "Calm" and go through their guided meditations, during which I'll sit in a comfortable spot (i.e.: my bed, yoga mat, etc).

I've lived with depression seasons all my life. Some last for week. Some have lasted for years. And yeah it can be hard for someone to listen to othe person telling how shitty his or her day has been. But having someone who listens is important. Ask your brother if he cares to listen and remember to focus on good things and speak about them too. All in life is about perception sis. :-) your day is good or bad depending on how you decide to remember it.

Thank you! I've been working this week on reframing situations to see things in a more positive light. I know that that will be rough some days, but I'm going to put affirmations around my room to see if they help =]

 

It's been a meh week. I asked a girl for her number. Kind of a thing for me. Got declined sure but hey at least I did it right? Other than that I've been feeling kinda down this week; the allergies have been kicking in and I think they're related.

 

Declined or not, that takes a lot of bravery! Regarding the rest, I hope everything gets better. I'm here if you need anything =]

I've often felt "too restless" to meditate. Overcoming a fuzzy mind in order to overcome a fuzzy mind is not a discipline I have learned. (And I do mean fuzzy... just now I had to use several thesaurus entries to find the word "discipline.") Congrats on doing as much as you did this week!

Hahaha, I know the feeling! And thank you <3 

Week 2 update complete! Thanks to everyone who offered support this past week. I truly appreciate it =]

As I mentioned in another thread, I built up the courage to open up more to one of my best friends, something I struggle to do with my in-person friends. It's terrifying to be so vulnerable sometimes, so I'm glad my friend was so receptive!

Broom stood with the others at the camp, eyes closed and hands joined with those of two strangers. She could feel Pazu’s presence in one of the many trees behind her as he quietly observed the scene, wings folded around him like a cloak. Shortly after the ceremony began, one of the members was quietly taken aside. Broom shifted her concentration away from the disturbance and focused on connecting with the group, though with little success. It felt as though there were walls separating her spirit energy from those of her companions. What was causing this hindrance? She turned her thoughts inward and reflected…

This week was quite emotionally draining for a few reasons, one of which was explained in my individual challenge thread. I've had a lot of difficulty opening up to my friends lately (in-person, at least), and I hesitated to fill them in on what's been going on. Last night, however, I finally built up the courage to talk to my best friend/housemate about everything, and she was much more present/engaged than I expected her to be (more of reflection of my trust issues than of her supportiveness). I was relieved to get everything off my chest, and I'm much more comfortable opening up to her.

goes graduating college and pretending to adult count as bring brave?

I'm pretty sure adult-ing requires 100% for-real bravery, so yes ;D

W2.3 - TLDR; Last night sucked and I'm feeling down.

Last night my sister called. Our conversation was actually quite pleasant for the most part, despite our previously rocky relationship (that's an understatement), which has been steadily improving since I left for grad school a year ago. She wanted to talk about something going on at home--nothing major, more neutral than anything--and then moved on to how much she misses me and how happy she is that we're becoming friends again. I reciprocated those feelings, letting her know how good it was to hear her say that because I'd always felt like I was bothering her. That's when the conversation took a rather unpleasant turn.

She went on say that although I don't always bother her, I've been "relying too much" on my younger brother in regards to my anxiety/depression, and it's becoming too much of a burden (which he confided in her). He and I both deal with anxiety, mine accompanied by much more depression, so we've always talked pretty openly about it. Now, because he's my brother (and because I perceive us as having good rapport), I've gone to him when things have gotten especially rough. To me, this is a totally normal and acceptable aspect of friendship--being comfortable talking to and confiding in that person. I expect nothing but to be listened to without being judged, nothing more.

I listened to my sister go on about how I have to stop "putting all that on him," and I tried to at least end the conversation on a good note and thank her for making me aware of such things (I honestly had no idea it was such a problem). After hanging up, I cried for a good hour or two about it, wondering if I've been a burden to everyone I've tried to lean on. It's a terrifying thought, and although I'm feeling marginally better this morning, I'm still not feeling too great.

So, you know, hugs would be awesome.

I am facing my darkness. Last night I hit a point where self-harm seemed like a good thing. I am currently working with my Rebbecca to get me away from this point. Facing this and admitting this is as brave as I get.

And that does take a great amount of bravery. Stay strong; you're not alone.

Congrats on taking the step to find a counsellor. I hope it helps with the trouble you're having.

 

What sort of meditation are you doing? I'm trying to find a good routine to get into.

Thanks! I've been using the 5- and 10-minute guided meditations on the app "Calm." It's typically pretty good unless I'm already too restless.

W2.1

This morning was kind of interesting. I got out of bed an hour later than I wanted to, but I felt very light as I made my way to the shower. Lately I've woken up feeling foggy and slightly disoriented, so this was a welcome change. I assume this is what it feels like to be well-rested, haha.

Anyway, I got to work and meditated for a bit before starting on my tasks for the day. I'll be going to the gym after I leave the office =]

Great second mini-challenge! I'll be going to the gym today for the first time in a while; I've been avoiding it due to the return of my anxiety, but I think I'm ready to go back. I've also been neglecting a few personal matters, so I'll see what I can do with those, as well.

You're doing so well!! Hope you had fun at the beach!