Candace Koller

Isn't blogging great? I've found it helps me a lot and I try to use it to help others too. Good stuff on there. I love a lot of stuff Cracked does on mental illness. The humor makes it a little more approachable.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone in America in advance in case I'm not on tomorrow! Try not to eat till it hurts

Me too. I'm very self critical. It's a work in progress and will take time to really "get it" but progress is good.

Bravo on progress on most of those things! Have you seen any improvement with your meds yet?

This is tough. I'm sorry you have to deal with it. Parents and older generations seem to have a much harder time accepting these kinds of things in my experience. I wish I knew a way to fix it for you. With depression, more drama is the last thing you need. That is a completely legitimate reason for not saying anything. Maybe you will feel safer coming out when things improve a bit. I don't think you should rush it. If coming out hurts you in any way I'm of the opinion it can wait until it will hurt less. But if not coming out is hurting you that is another story entirely.

Thanks for the great advice everyone. I really appreciate it. This is something I have experienced my entire life but never had words to describe before. I think my mind is just kicking into overdrive saying nope, gotta keep the status quo because it is more comfortable than change so admit nothing to yourself. Looking back it looks clear as day and honestly I think it is about time for some change. Despite the mental barriers I think I will actually feel better if things do change up a bit and I start pursuing a more neutral look. So I'm going to say it here and I have already said it to my husband who accepts me as I am, so now it is my turn to accept me too. I am a gender. And that's ok.

I just read through your thread and it looks like you have made some amazing changes in how you talk about yourself recently. I know that isn't one of your goals but self compassion is so important and so difficult sometimes and this really is a big step! I was in a similar situation to you not too long ago regarding the home. It had become a cluttered mess and I was so dysfunctional that every time I tried to clean I got cometely overwhelmed by the tasks. I felt like a horrible and worthless wife who was completely useless. I would beg my husband for help but never get any despite how desperate I was. I felt trapped because the constant meltdowns from the clutter were breaking me and I could find no way to fix the problem when I was mentally unable to get anything done and no help was available. Things kept getting worse. What eventually helped was getting my husband in to see a psychologist (doing this was like pulling teeth!) and he learned that he too had a lot of problems with depression and anxiety. He never thought he did because mine was so much worse and he didn't want to die so he thought he didn't have any problems. It took 6 months to get him to see a Dr but once he was able to work on his issues he was better able to help me with household tasks and I was able to start improving too without that constant stress. I don't know if this can be applicable to your situation but I hope it can at least give you hope that even when things are bad they can get better.

They're absolutely amazing. I was surprised at how good they were.

When I encounter times like this I go and change my challenge to suit it. I just use the strikeout feature and write a new one. for example.... Work out 3 times a day Make dinner for the kids every night ...or something to that effect. You don't need to feel tied down by your challenge, it should work for you and not against you.

Yeah pain meds can have different reac tions for different people. I hope it is helping make her mor comfortable. Green egg and no tufts is definitely an Easter Egger.

Meditative thought of the day: It is ok to be who and what you are and it is ok to feel your feelings.

Happy Nerdiversary/Birthday!

No, you're not off base at all and honestly I think you might be absolutely right. That wasn't something I had considered. I also wonder if part of it may be not wanting to admit that it bothers me to myself. Hmm...I must think on this.

Last Week's progress- Week 2: W- meditated, primal meal TH- primal meal, meditated F- meditated, primal meal 189.4 lbs S- meditated, primal meal SU- meditated, primal meal Meditation= A+ Meals= A Weight lifting.....forgot about that one and didn't do any... F

Feeling my feels is something I need work on. I try to think them away. That is a good point about the cheaper places to get a cut. For years I have done my own hair just because I couldn't justify spending $40-60 or higher at the salons but maybe something this simple could be done more cheaply at a place like you mentioned. Seems like at the point of meltdown my mind was in a bit of a chaotic "let's throw up barriers to everything right now" and "this isn't a real problem" then all of a sudden "omg this is a huge problem" type of moment. I think I was so focused on my husband accepting me and thinking that would make everything better that I never realized how much the changes in appearance would mean to me.

I would love to have gray hair because then I wouldn't need to bleach it anymore to dye it weird colors. On a less lighthearted note... I have a bit of a question. I had planned to get the undercut I mentioned yesterday but we are in a current financial bind and can't pay to get it done. The clippers I borrowed didn't have a guard with my preferred length. I ended up having a complete meltdown to my husband and going on and on about how I feel like I can never be me and people will judge me if I don't look feminine. He was very supportive for which I am thankful. My question is, despite seeing that this obviously has a pretty significant effect on me I still can't manage to think of myself as a legitimate case, if that makes any sense. I feel like I have no right to complain about how things are and like I can't legitimately put a label of gender identity confusion on myself. Is that normal?

Thanks, Toxophilite, me too. I'm calling yesterday's meal squashbrowns. I took spaghetti squash, mixed it with spices, cheese, bacon, and eggs, and then fried it on the griddle in a little patty shape until it turned brown. It was very good. For some reason today I weigh 192.3 lbs and this is very disappointing. Squashbrowns for breakfast today too. They are just as good the next day. Maybe even tastier.

I think my phone glitches and I missed the part about your friend. Congrats! That is great that you could bring her something she enjoys and that she is getting up!

Bekah the blue and green wash out the fastest so if it does give you any issues it won't be for nearly as long as a red.

Bekah the blue and green wash out the fastest so if it does give you any issues it won't be for nearly as long as a red.

Manic panic washes out and is great stuff. You have to bleach it for anything not red though. They have a turquios and one called enchanted forest that both look mermaid-y to me and would make a very pretty ombre

Oh my, I haven't checked for eggs recently and I fear I may have 50 or so eggsplosions. Sorry that was the fate of your first egg. Was it blue? Why do you suspect Ameraucana or Easter Egger?

Sorry youyou had a rough week. I've been planning to do this exact thing for forever now but my husband was never OK with an undercut. I finally managed to talk to him about feeling like I have never been allowed to just be me by anyone a and that my hair has always been influenced by other people who wanted me to look femenine. After that he became really supportive and now I'm finally going to do it. I want to put ultraviolet purple streaks in the top half too. This is a pretty big deal for me. I feel like I'm on the way to finally being able to express myself freely.

Thanks Aelinn, my therapist has a lot of good thoughts to focus on. I've really been making improvements since I found him. It has been a blessing.