Coriande

August 7, 2015 A horse! Let us get back on it. Exercise None. Food Breakfast: A banana and granola bar. Lunch: I made nice soup! Sweet potato and carrot with some apple and roast cauliflower. It was good, but I'm really hungry. Dinner: Chicken sandwich and a donut. Late: Pizza and carrots at Luke's birthday party. Alcohol: A gin and tonic which turned out to be way stronger than I thought. Notes Things to try - yoga, swimming, that bodyweight workout. I didn't eat enough for breakfast and lunch, I think... and that made 'dinner' way out of whack.

May 14, 2015 Exercise None. Unless you count walks with Jen. Food Breakfast: Hot chocolate and muffin. Lunch: No lunch today, too busy at work. Dinner: Some macaroni and leftover Chinese food with my folks. Notes Long weekend. Lots to do.

May 13, 2015 Exercise Walked from work to the theatre. Food Breakfast: Croissant and tea. Lunch: The rest of the tomato soup and sweet potato. Snack: Almonds. Dinner: Tried and failed to eat on Broadway and Granville again. Went home and had leftover Indian food around 11. Notes Hold on.

May 12, 2015 Exercise Nooooone. I slept in til seven. Food Breakfast: Oatmeal and a hash brown. Lunch: Roasted sweet potato. Dinner: Ugh, pizza. So much pizza. I made myself sick. Notes I have lost my glasses and it makes every work day a misery.

Hullo hullo Shadow! Are you still here?

I get knocked down... but I get up again! Y'never gonna keep me down! (Did you know that Chumbawumba was an incredibly diverse anarcho-punk band that made fabulous music for over 35 years?) May 11, 2015 Exercise 6am walk/run, mo-fos. About forty-five minutes, around Trout Lake. And then straight to pilates. I feel like a goddamn virtuous person, then I remembered my roomie does this every day.Food Breakfast: Croissant and teaLunch: Homemade tomato soup and roasted cauliflower.Dinner: Tried to find food on Granville - bought a beef smokie but it was gross, so I didn't eat it.Late: Hot chocolate and a scone-thing.Notes I missed tracking my food and exercise, so I decided to start doing it again. Weird.Someone told me gardening is actually pretty good exercise, if it's aggressive enough. I am a very aggressive gardener, so we will see what happens.

Ugh. I could go back in my mind to record everything that happened this long weekend. But I'm not going to. I've had a really hard time this week, and if I'm being honest, for the past couple weeks as well. Things that are good: I've moved from long periods of fasting interspersed with bingeing to a new 'normal' of three meals a day plus a snack.I still enjoy pilates and can see myself doing them long-term.I've cut back on pastries and hot chocolate.I have held to the pizza twice a month rule.Things that are bad: Now that I'm eating regularly, I spend way more money on food since my planning is still not good.I need to go grocery shopping more often and make time to cook.Working out has been intermittent at best.I still eat pastries and hot chocolate.I think it's time for a more structured eating plan. I simply can't afford, financially or physiologically, to continue as I have been. Too much eating out, not enough cooking at home. It may take some time to find a system that works, but it's time to start building. As for exercise... I know it is just a willpower thing. The time I have available is early in the morning before work, and I just cherish that sleep so much. Hoping that posting these feelings and thoughts will help me alleviate my shame and refocus on what to do next.

Thanks Elastigirl. I'm trying to re-focus and pick a new, more specific goal going forwards. Struggling to hang onto my drive.

April 1, 2015 Exercise None. Zero. Food Breakfast: Oatmeal and a hash brown. Lunch: Caesar salad with chicken. Snack: The most delicious and inappropriate brownie. Dinner: Butter chicken with rice and naan. I feel good because the restaurant we were at served an enormous portion and I was able to stop eating at an appropriate time and take the rest home. Notes I have thoughts about where I am right now fitness-wise and I am going to write them down when I have time.

March 31, 2015 Exercise Pilates with Katherine! We were both very proud that we did our workout even though Lisa is away on vacation. Food Breakfast: Croissant and tea. Lunch: Green beans and tomato soup with a roll. Dinner: Thwarted by bacon! I went to the Portside for the show and ordered a kale salad, no bacon. Don't know where the mixup was, but lo there was bacon indeed. So I ate my friends potato skins instead. A poor substitute. I get frustrated when I make an effort to do something properly and it doesn't go, then I get discouraged and give up. Which is probably the real issue now that I type it out. Notes Geeks versus nerds tonight! It'll be nice to be an audience member instead of a player and get to relax.

Sort of. The work I am looking for now is contract-based, so I'm not jumping from one full-time job to another. I just couldn't handle staring at a screen all day. Excited to get back on set. Nervous about not having... benefits. Or a regular salary. I knew I had to quit when I started crying at work a lot. But it is scary to leave something secure, even if you are unhappy there.

Trying out a new thing where I record as I go along, so I don't have to wrack my brains at the end of the day to remember what I ate. March 30, 2015 Exercise Walked 30 minutes. Food Breakfast: Pineapple and a small amount of cottage cheese. Tea. Lunch: Green beans with almonds, and a knish from Solly's. Snack: Cinnamon bun. Dinner: Leftover spaghetti. Notes I gave notice at my job today! Terrified, but excited at the same time.

March 29, 2015 Exercise Did pilates (by myself) and stretched and walked. Finally. Food Breakfast: Peanut butter and honey on toast. For some reason I feel like honey is healthier than jam... but my smart-brain is telling me that is not true? Lunch: Leftover piazza and a nectarine. Dinner: I was not hungry, so I didn't eat dinner. Not sure if this is a good or bad thing. Notes Back to work tomorrow, eugh.

Happy belated! I hope you had a rockin' day.

...not good. I mean, I'm tracking food and exercise, but it's mostly just depressing me. Food has been a little better - I've been eating breakfast every morning, mostly because I started bringing oatmeal to work. Exercise... it goes up and down. I just did a pilates set at home, which I guess is a good thing. Trying not to completely fall off the wagon, but I'm pretty much chilling on the back, definitely not driving.

March 28, 2015 Exercise Nope. Nope. Nope. Food Breakfast: Went out for breakfast, French toast and tea. Lunch: Cleaned out the freezer and ate what wasn't fitting in there anymore... so a big thing of green beans (cooked them with almonds) and some perogies. Dinner: Did I haven dinner? I don't think so. But I did have 'lunch' at like 4pm, so. Notes Ahhh I wanted pizza so bad last night kill me. I did not have it though, no I did not.

March 27, 2015 What a weird day! Exercise Walked downtown to visit a friend I haven't seen in years, chilled out on the fire escape with him.Food Breakfast: Late breakfast, corn soup.Lunch: ...I had ice cream for lunch. Sort of. At like three o' clock.Dinner: Chicken kebab, rice and a green salad.Notes Pretty good show and I hate the dentist. That said, no cavities! Huzzah!

March 26, 2015 Exercise Good walk, no gym time. Food Breakfast: Oatmeal. Lunch: Minestrone soup (proper stuff with real veggies) and pesto and a roll. Tasty. Dinner: Fast food... but not terrible fast food? A chicken/lettuce sandwich with no mayo. Notes I love singing so much. I know it sounds repetitive, but I thought I would start to get frustrated after a while and I just... haven't. It makes me so happy.

March 25, 2015 Exercise About a half hour walk, but no pilates. Was up between 12 and 4 again and I couldn't get up. Food Breakfast: Had a fuck it moment. Hot chocolate and a croissant. Lunch: The rest of the cottage cheese and pineapple. Snack: Tortilla chips. But I brought in a bag of baby carrots for next week! Dinner: Wonderful carrot and apple soup. I feel pretty good about that. Notes Singing lesson tonight. Hooray!

No, you didn't trigger me at all! I'm just working up to the point where I feel comfortable, cause I've had some bad experience with diets in the past.

Yeah. I may try a formal 'diet' at some point, but right now I think it would be counterproductive. Even recording my food like I have is difficult for me. Re: MFP, it's actually a technology problem! I don't have a smartphone or one that connects to the internet, so the two apps I'd really like to use for health (MFP and Zombies, Run!) are not available to me.

It's true! I don't have a scale in my house, which is perhaps going too far in the opposite direction, but that negative paranoia that comes from hanging on the numbers too closely is not gonna make you feel good about yourself or help you with your goals. You are fierce. You are working so hard. And you are not a number.

Grilled chicken is the freaking bomb. It is impossible to screw up.

March 24, 2015 Exercise Walked to practice from work. Food Breakfast: Toast with peanut butter and honey. Also tea. Lunch: Cottage cheese and pineapple - tasty! Dinner: I was really proud of myself because I went to my usual cafe, which makes the best cinnamon buns in town... and I had a mixed greens salad with walnuts and cranberries instead. Late: But then I went out with my Conservatory group to the pub and had a cider and a piece of spinach pizza. Two steps forward, one step back. Notes I've been having trouble sleeping. Gotta bring snacks to work and practice for the next few weeks, you're right Shadow.

March 23, 2015 Exercise Morning pilates. Lisa says if I want to do cardio, I should swim - but that means getting up even earlier. We'll see. I also did a fair bit of dancing and stretching at Off Key. Food Breakfast: Oatmeal and a banana. Lunch: Lemon ricotta muffin and tea. Dinner: Chicken strips and caesar salad. At Practice: Orange slices and grapes. Notes Yesterday at work sucked, but practice was awesome! I looked at my calendar for the next little while... I have improv every night for the next thirteen nights.