Adrianne

I woke up today beliving it was friday. And the I realised it was only wednesday....and I died a little on the inside. But hey! Half the week is done and tomorrow it is thursday and THEN it is friday! *deep breath* It's ok, I got this. Only two more days. What about life in general then? Good. Like really good. Did my second time at the gym yesterday amd I'm looking at myself in the mirror going "Who the hell is this person?". And I did really good yesterday too. Been getting back into the groove of jogging and I did a whole 10 min jog in the 30 min I was on the treadmill. Also need to point out that it was about 3-4 min in one go I did jog. I've gotten far I feel. Really far. From not being able to jog for even 30 sec to 3 min...that is a really big deal. So I feel very proud of myself about that. And tomorrow I have an appointment with a trainer at the gym to help me look over a new workout routine. So that will be awesome also. Regarding food I've been doing better again. Been cooking at home for the last two weeks so that has been awesome. Did however have a huge slip up day on saturday and I regret it like mad. Had pizza and candy. And then I spent the evening being bloated and feeling like shit. Not again. At least not the pizza. It's even gone that far as to I'm planning on cooking something special for myself on saturday. Ok, so we are having a shitload of people over (like 8 peeps) and going to play MTG the whole day. And I know what happens then - pizza. Like a huge amoutn of pizza. But I don't want that. It makes me feel so bloated and huge. Yepp that pic is very much like how I feel after pizza. Not worth it at all. So I'm currently looking around to see if I can find something easy to make that is down the "cheat meal" kind of way that I can enjoy but that isn't horrible for me. Anyone got any ideas?

THANK YOU!

Team Yellow here! I'm still trying to figure out how to lvl up my little dudes and what types works well against others in battle and such and such...but hey, I'll figure it out somehow eh?

Like superlate response but thank you! And yeah, the lingonberryweek is a bitch. But I'm off all my "anti-baby-thingamajigs" now (contraceptive I belive you cool kids call it) so here is to hoping I'm going to have a simpler and less painfull hellweek. I mean....if it feels like someone is ripping out my uterus with their bare hands through my spine then yeah - I get moody. And if I get moody I want to eat. *sighs* I just want to eat all the time it seems. So on another note - I'm back in the gym again! Yay me! Managed to go two times per week now since about 3 weeks back and it feels good. Food is still a struggle and will always be a struggle and to be honest I have no idea how to get over that. I understand that it won't ever be easy but I just wish....I just wish I could have a mindset like Superman or something. Like to finally realise that the thing I want in a year, in 5 years, in a decade is so much more important then this bar of chocolate I have in front of me right now. But I must be stupid or something because it just doesn't seem to work. Ok so I know I'm probably not stupid I just feel like it. And I won't give up. I'll never give up. But I'm just so tiered of the hype and the chasing and the trying and trying and trying....and never getting there. Honestly at this point in time I'm not sure what the heck I'm even doing wrong. And that is horrible! Yeah...that is about it. But on the other hand I think I'm...happy? Yeah, I belive that is what this is. I have a wonderful house, wonderful friends, a loving dude, two furbabies and a good job. Actually...the only "problem" I have is that I have all this extra fat on me. That is about it. And that isn't really that bad. I guess...

Monday...again. At least sort of. I call it monday since it is my first working day of the week. Yes, I know, I'm complaining about just having to work 3 days this week...shut up. I'm tiered, cranky and I've gained a shitload of weight while we were gone. I have no idea how that happened, I mean...we walked for 6 hours on monday and then for 9 hours yesterday. And I also stayed away from most of the crappy foods. I had two icecreams, that was it. For the rest of the trip I only drank water and tried as best as I could to eat as much veg as possible. Oh well! Got a date with my dietitian also today. And I really don't want to get on the scale. I feel like a faliure right now...and it is horrible.

Yeah well we shall see if he can recover enough to go on the trip at least. So this coming weekend won't be that much working out in the gym but I guess I'll be walking for a good 8 hours monday and tuseday....my feet will kill me

Thank you! I love the fact that you wore a bikini to get out of your comfort zone, that shit is amazing! Yay for you! -------------------------------------------------------- So friday....again...yaay! Or I would feel yay if I could make a coherent thought in my brain...right now it's just mush all of it. I want to faceplant at home, preferably on the tummy of a kitty, and sleep for about a 100 years. That plus the fact that the dude woke up with a fever today. Fuck yeah. And we have so much fun stuff planned! Like tonight we were going to have friends over for tacos and boardgames, tomorrow we had a meeting with the DnD-group, sunday was "no fucks are given"-day and then monday to tuseday we are going to a zoo! Well...amusementpark, zoo, themepark....eh, it's a shitload of stuffs at least. http://www.kolmarden.com/sprak/english <--- in case anyone was curious. And holy shit, they have a spa! Like...massages, facials, pedicure....ooohyeeeees...mmmm. We are staying there for a night, and in the price you get total access to all the stuff at the park too. So a mini vaycay! Woop woop! But my point is this - how do you cure someone of a fever in like 24 hours? Any ideas?

The shoes are awesome! All Hail ECCO!

Ok...so...I'm like super...uhm...all the feels. OK! So! This is freaking me out a bit. I don't know why but just the thought of it going up here is so...wierd. But at the same time I really want to show you guys. I mean...besides my closest friends you are the people I share the most with when it comes to all of this so..yeah...here it comes. The Dress. Don't mind the nametag and the slightly stressed look - this was taken like superhasty after lunch by a coworker and friend of mine. So yeah....i'll go hide now...urgh...*hides under rock*

That looks sooo goood! Holy crap! Make me food too plz? *puppy eyes* So wednesday came and went, wtf happened? It's thursday! At least on my side of the globe. And I'm going out of my comfortzone like...alot today. I'm wearing a dress. Like....a super pretty dress. And I feel like really selfconcious in it! This is what I had to say about it on Facebook: Today I'm going outside of my comfort zone. And yes, it is another dress. And I have such mixed feelings about it. One half of me thinks I look damn good in it (royal blue, nice neckline, awesome butt showing) but the other half....the really insecure half....has other things to say. I know some people won't look me in the eye as they say hi today because of this dress. Heck, it's not even the dress. It's the fact that I'm showing my body and not hiding my belly. Apparently that is a bigger crime then being a bad person. Being a fat person is way worse. I know I will get looks on town today, I know people will giggle and point. It's the same, always. I know people will talk behind my back and say not so very nice things. But I also know that somewhere, someone might look at me and go "Daaamn girl, you look good!" and maybe, just maybe, I can inspire someone to take that step and dare use the clothes that makes THEM feel good. Not just use the stuff that is socially acceptable. If that happens I can take anything you dish out. <3 Love the skin you're in. I haven't been able to get a good enough picture of me in it but I'll try to make that happen today and post it here. Just to show it off. But the dress itself is this one: I do belive I'm a few sizes above her but do you know what? I feel good in it. When I'm not staring into a mirror at work or when I'm not thinking about how other people precive me - then I feel hot as fudge. And that is the feeling I need to hold on to. That I feel good wearing this piece of clothing! And no matter what anyone else says that is the feeling I have and I will hold on to it! Also I'm proud of myself because I went for a 5 km walk yesterday. Even if I didn't feel like it. I came home, was tiered af and just dissolved into a heap on the bed. And then the dude came home and told me we were going for a walk. Holy Lord I wanted to smack him. But then I realised that this is just the kind of thing I need to do - when I don't feel like moving that is when I need it the most. So we took a walk. It wasn't a powerwalk, it wasn't that fast, but I moved. I got my body into motion and that was awesome.

Nothing to be jealous about. All the stuff are stupidly simple to do. Oooh I love pork tenderloin! It's sooo yummy! I hope it turned out ok. Personally I went for a long walk, died on the bed for a while, took a shower and then I had no energy what so ever to cook. So dinner tonight was naturell yoghurt with some granola, an hard boiled egg and two cups of tea. I'm so tiered right now my eyes are crosses so I'll be heading to bed. Tomorrow it is a new day! Yay!

Yupp! But I prefer not having to puke my gutts out thankyouverymuch

It is best kind of cooking

Oooh, I did not know that! Thanks! I'll be careful. And heck, rice is so darn fast to do I can just do it in the evening when I need it. Uhm....recipie? Nah man, I have a hard time for those things. I usually cook by feeling so to say but if would probably go something like this - Sausage after taste, chop up. Fry together with chopped onions. Add some cream, tomato paste, seasonings and maybe some crushed tomatoes. Let simmer together. Serve with rice and veg. It all depends on how I'm feeling that day tbh. I'm the worst person ever to write this stuff down.

Wow, thanks guys! I'll do my best! So ok, I'm not doing any special kind of diet or anything. I'm just trying to cut all the junk out of my intake and then eat like a normal person. As I hade stated in alot of my previous posts I have had a huge problem with food for a very very long time. I've used food for everything besides just fuel for my body. I've thought of it as my only friend, my saviour, my excecutioner, my lover....everything. I've used food when I was sad and happy, when I was down and up. Food has been there all my life. And because of this I'm trying to not restrict myself to the point of me not being able to have stuff. The end goal for this is to have one major day a week when I can let go a little but right now I can't handle that. And because of this I have decided to get back into mealprep as much as possible. So I thought I would put up a litlte list of things I will be getting for the coming week. So my plan is as follows: Last night I sat down with the dude and we talked about food for the coming week. I asked him if there was anything he wanted or didn't want and we agreed on some stuff we would like to have. Like fish at least two times and then chicken and some homemade meatballs. Easy enough! Veggies for the two bigger meals of the day and then one serving of fruit per day is optimal. So when that was done I took out the weekly bargain-paper we get from the supermarket and looked up what they had. Ok so chicken they are having a drive for, that's cheap. And watermelon. And grapes! YAY! Spicy sausages. Spare ribs...omg yaas! so basically I can get a weeks worth of food for us from just using this technique. This sunday I will then do: Stuffed chickenbreats in the oven with garlic cream chees. Spare ribs with homemade glaze. Bigger kind of meatballs with feta cheese in them. Stroganoff with the spicy sausage. To this I will make alot of brown rice. Personally I feel that rice handles sitting around in the fridge for a few days better then like pasta and boiled potatoes. But for the spare ribs I'll just grill some corn cob and make a sallad too it. I will make a big batch of sallad, and also a sallad with carrots, cabbage, onion and peppers with a vinaigrette, and it can last a long time in the fridge because of it. I will also be portioning out cubes of watermelon and also be putting grapes in small bags that makes it easier for me to bring with me. So far so good! If I feel like it I will probably be baking a batch of carrotbread also, I love that stuff. Plus I know wth is in it...all plus there. That's it! Right now at least. I need more food...I'm eating to little good stuff right now. Need to fix that.

I did it. My first session at the gym in forever. It was short, kinda awkward, but I went. I stod there, longingly oogeling the free weights and the bars and all the good stuff but I'll get to that later. Damn it i want to hulk out! But not right now. I need to keep telling myself that. Being a bad ass valkyrie is ok but I need to warm up to it all again first. So I'll stick to the machines for a little while longer. And that's ok....or I try to tell myself that. Ms Impatient in da house y'all! And in true fashion due to over written argument as to why meal prep I will make a plan tonight that will cover the coming week and then on Sunday batch cook. I can do this! Anyone interested in what I'll make?

Mmmhmm...otters. They are the best! I have realised that my dude doesn't like mealprep either. But on the otter hand (hurr hurr, see what I did there? *too proud of herself*) he doens't mind eating almost anything. So my tip to you is to acually sit down, talk about food, just in the general sence of what you want for dinner for the working nights, or school nights...you know, whenever you are busy busy and then just sticking to it. Like - tonight I wrote on the list that I want fish. No matter wich one of us that comes home first makes the food. Sure it isn't the most fun to do but it gets done. I hate standing around in the evening, staring into the fridge going and having no idea what to eat. So either that or just do huge ass batch cookings on weekende. Sure it isn't any fun but hell it has saved me so many times!

Why is it so easy to give advice to someone else then yourself? I mean...I would tell you to try to find something that makes YOU want to do what you want to/need to do, with or without the boyfriend on board but...yeah. I know how hard that is. Can you sit down together and get a battle plan going? That's what me and the hubbs did. He isn't really into moving around as much as I am and that is fine. But as long as I have him sort of on track regarding food at home I'm glad.

First of all - sorry for late answer! Second of all - I also did LCHF. And it works wonder. I just....I can't keep to a certain thing. Too much restrictions like that makes me mad. I know I can't have chocolates or cakes every bloody day but if someone tells me I CAN'T I go mental and eat all the bad stuff. ALL the bad stuff. So I tried it and even if I lost weight I wasn't happy and miserable most of the time I belive. And just stick to whatever works for you! And cut yourself some slack. You are wonderful as you are and we are only trying to get better, remember? Sorry for such a late answer! But thank you! He was VERY suprised and I think he very much enjoyed it. Regardiing the challenges and such I'm just not doing them right now. I'm working too hard on trying to get back into the groove of things again after all this stress with the house and such. And I'm getting there. But right now challenges are just too much. I want to get back to them though. And sugar man....the struggle is real! Urgh...

*takes deep breath* I belive in myself. I know I can do it. The road is bumpy but I can do it! Goal is set and I have the outline of a plan. Right now that will have to be good enough. I'm not quite ready to share this yet, I'm still working out the details, but something is cooking. And it is going to work out just fine. In the meantime I'll just have to belive in myself and get back to the joy of doing this. Heck, the ride is probably more rewarding the the goal really. I can do this. So yesterday I did something very very different from what I usually do. I took a nap after I got home. Usually I try to stay awake and do stuff but then I remembered what my dietitian and me had agreed on - letting my body heal. And if it wanted sleep it would get sleep. So I took a 1 hour nap. Then the man woke me up when he got home, we made dinner, watched the last episode of Game of Thrones. Side note: WTF IS GOING ON?!?!?!?!?! *cough* Oh well. We will see! Next year... urgh, I can't handle this! After all that trauma I packed my gymbag for today and made a lunchbox, then I had a cookie and a cup of tea and watched an episode of Attack on Titan. 'Nuff said. And then I did some pushups, a 1 min plank and some squats in the bathroom as I was getting ready for bed. Wait...what? Me? Doing plank? For 1 minute?! What the hell is going on?! But hey, I did it. And it felt good. Today I will try to do some fun stuff at the gym, just get back into the whole feel of loving moving my body and I'll just take it from there. Yay for that. And for dinner tonight I'll be making breaded plaice with boiled potatoes and a cold sauce plus a shitload of veg. YAY for food!

Apparently I suck att updating now adays! But I can change that! I WILL change that! Things has just been hectic...for a long time. But hey, I got this! So a little recap of what me and the dietitian talked about last week. First of all I had lost 0,3 kg in one week. That's like...what...almost 1 lbs? It's monday morning and I can't be arsed to look up a converter...forgive my laziness. I was a little dissapointed but then she told me that all lost is good. And that it just had been one week between our last two meetings. And then I sucked it up, told myself that I'm doing ok anyways and that I need to give myself some slack. Like...alot of slack. I think I have touched up on this before but I'm a total perfectionist. I suck at it, but I still am. So for me to actually throw my worries away and just...breathe and live...is a big thing. I have put all thoughts of "I need to work out otherwise I suck!" on the legendary shelf for now and just trying to focus on getting my sleep back. And sanity. And just....being able to breathe again. This is good I think. Plus we had a party this friday....it was epic! First midsummer in the new house! YAY! And for all you non-swedes out there, here you go: We didn't have a maypole or did any of the dancing but we did drink snapps, sing songs and play games. Also food. Lots and lots of food. And you know what? I'm okay with that! I met with friends I haven't seen in almost a year and I had fun. I laughed until I cried and I did a little butt-wiggle, aka stupid dance, in the livingroom together with one of my oldes friends and it was hillarious. It made my soul happy. I was happy when I went to bed. Hung over the next day but happy still. All in all it was a very very good weekend. And yesterday evening it was the first time in a long time that I wanted to go for a walk. I wanted to move. I wanted to do something else then just sit or sleep or eat. It was so nice to feel that again. So the plan is to go from there. Just take it easy and not overdo it. I was considering doing something like getting of the train on the way home one station earlier then I usually do. That means I have at least a 6 km walk to get home, that is about an hour if I take it chill. And I see no need for me to do anything but walk. But as I said, this is just a thought. One thing I will do is go back to the gym at work. Starting tomorrow I'll go there. And then I'll just go when I feel like it. As soon as it feels like i HAVE to go otherwise I'm a bad person - then I'll maybe just go for a long walk instead. I don't want working out to become a bad thing for me. If anyone can understand where I'm coming from here. So this is a start. It will work out just fine. And this morning I also sat down and made a dinner-list for the rest of the working week. I have missed this, alot. If I can't do proper meal prep on a weekend then this is what I do instead. I write down what is for dinner the following night and then I just make enough food that me and the man has lunch-boxes for the following day. It works out just fine. The ultimate goal is to be able to do mealprep and just have finished lunches in the fridge come sunday night but as I said - this is good enough right now. Regarding sugar, this will be the hardest thing to get over for me. Easy. I will keep leaving my wallet at home and also clean out the fridge when I get home tonight. I don't need chocolate staring me in the face when I open the fridge door. Also I'll move the alcohol to the basement. Alcohol is no problem for me to be without but it feels...irritating....to have it just standing there and taking up space. Space I can use for awesome foods.

So this is long overdue as hell! But I'm going to write it down anyways. HAH! So there! As you can se above here the challenge wasn't a 100% success but it wasn't a fail either. I've been thinking about it and I will give myself a 75% success. I was in the middle of a move and all our stuff was packed down so cooking wasn't happening. Regarding food I did try to stay as clean in my eating as possible but that only lasted me a few days and then, due to the lack of sleep and the high amount of stress, I fell back into the sugary trap that used to be my poison of choice. I'm still batteling to get out of that, but all in due time. Regarding running I did 2 times per week the whole period and also one crossfitsession each week. So that was a total win! Working out is fun! I'll be laying low a bit now on challenges again I belive, I'll stick to my main quest. But as for points and lvls I will award myself as follows: 1 lvl achieved for not totally messing this up. 11 points gained due to 75% awesomeness. Points alloted: 4 to STR (crossfit, duh, and all them boxes up and down them stairs...urgh) 4 to STA (again...running up and down stairs and lack of sleep, pushing on bruh!) 3 to WIS (because I'm never doing this again unprepared! EVER! Learn from the misstakes)

This. I need this. Heck, I'm going to start up a wall at home I think with all the good stuff people tell me. I need it to keep from going insane. It's so easy to loose sight of what I really want - a healthy relationship with my body. I've always been in this negative spiral and as you say, striving to be something less. I'ts not healthy. I want to change that perspect. I want to be more healthy, more fit, more capable of doing things I want to do. Thank you @deftona, thank you....

So the whole thing with eating sweets every other day didn't really work. Instead I piggeg out on Sunday and had all the bad stuff. And when Monday came around I was feeling so sick I had to stay at home. Monday I spent in bed with just water and some sour milk (filmjölk in swedish), just leaving to go to the bathroom or kitchen. And the cravings was horrible. Even if the thought of candy made my tummy turn and twist in disgust a little part of me wanted all of the things. I must be mad. Simple as that. Tuseday I purged the house. I threw all the bad stuff out before I could eat it. And I cried. That's how much I wanted it. I wanted that icecream with every fiber of my being. And that was scary as hell. I'm starting to understand a fraction of how it is to be an drug addict. I need to keep that shit out of my life. And today I was back at work. And it's chaos. But it's always the same before the summer vacations, everyone cleans out their part of the hospital and all those administrational things that I have been hunting for 6 months magically end up on my desk.... grrr, idiots. So stress. All the stress. Also met with my dietitian. And nothing had changed with my weight. And I started to freak out. And instead of having a 15 min check up we ended up talking for 45....not so good. Or you know, for me it was good. We did a recap of my goals. I said I wanted to be at 95 kg and she laughed and told me I would probably look sick. And then she gave me a new goal -120 kg. That's about 15 kg away from where I'm at now. And 15 kg is alot...it's just....not what I thought I needed to lose. It's strange. Because I mean...120 kg is still fat. But then I listen to her say "We start here. Let's get you there and then you can just feel that body in. Just take your time. There is no rush. And besides you have too much muscles to be too small. I would say never under 110 kg." I almost cried. Seriously. I've been fat my entire adult life and not once has anyone told me that I should just feel my body instead of hurting it and pushing it into this mold of what I think it wants. Just go with it, move and clean up the diet and the rest will happen on its own. Feeling a little overwhelmed right now.

Friday. Finally. I just want to thank you guys that are supporting me in this. Sometimes it is hard as heck to get my head around the fact that I don't need to be super skinny to be healthy. I don't need to be running marathons to be healthy. I don't need to deadlift 300 lbs to be in good shape. Some days I can say I'm healthy just because I said no to cake at work or because I made dinner at home instead of getting a pizza even if I wanted one or even just because I decided to take an extra 30 min walk. This will be my mantra for a while now. I'm good enough as I am, I love myself and I can do this. I just don't need to do it all in one go. Babysteps. And sticking to them. I realised yesterday evening that the reason as to why I'm feeling so low is because I've been sleeping so badly for the last week. And when I don't sleep I make bad choices. And bad choices turn into bad food and bad food turns into over eating and that turns into the fact that I feel like a piece of poop....you see where I'm going with this? So assignment for next week: 1) Sleep at least 7 hours every night. 2) Reduce sweets to every other day instead of every day (which has been the norm for the past 2 weeks) I got this. Heck I can do this. I'm not a failure. I'm a godess just waiting to come out. I will find the flab and I will crush it. #gamefaceON