monk

Monk has a hernia. Monk can't lift weights, or do anything else stressful on her body until further testing is done. Monk has thrown in the towel.

Everyone says that you have to lose it slowly. I just wish it wouldn't go so slow. If I could even get 2lbs a week that's 8lbs a month...if I could even manage that right now. I have figured out (through reading past journals) that I am missing my walking every day. I was doing that every single day, rain/sleet/snow/whatever. So I'm going back to doing that as well as the Dance Central time. When I got down to 213 (my lowest since I was probably 10 or 12) I had added in bike riding for 2 miles twice a week, basically sprinting. I hated it, but I was seeing results so I was doing it up until the cold hit, then I became unemployed and couldn't afford a gym. I was supposed to be doing my Dance Central today, and I still might but I have become incredibly depressed by something which should have been fun that I was looking forward to doing for well over a month: boot shopping. I needed a new pair of motorcycle riding boots as the ones I had been using I had for well over 10 years and I had been saving and planning for weeks to buy new ones. Come to find out that I have to buy mens boots because the ones I could find for women stop at size 9. Imagine that, something else that I can't put on because a part of me is too big. My motorcycle jacket is a men's jacket because my boobs are unreasonably too big to fit into a petite lady's jacket and after my boyfriend took picture of me on my new motorcycle I discovered that I look like a sasquatch. Luckily, I have not resorted to eating to quell the pain (although really hot coffee is hitting the spot for me for some reason...not sure why, I just put coconut milk in it and that's it) but the pain of being fatter than your average girl is really taking its toll on me today. I never thought in all those years when I finally got from a 24 down to a 16 that it wouldn't be enough. Going to drown my sorrows, kiting some ghostly humans in Guild Wars 2 now.

I don't know. I feel like I am missing something but I don't know what. Previously when doing my paleo most of the time thing, I lost SO much weight so damn quickly it was almost like I was sick. I could tell from week to week that I was losing it. Now, I don't know. I feel like my thighs have put on weight, and I feel heavy. I know I haven't moved much, with the weather being absolute crap, but they say it's 80% food, 20% exercise. I have been doing resistance bands but...bleh.

I have actually been doing well. I haven't been able to walk, but I did shovel some of the 6 inches of snow that we received over the week, so I'm going to consider that an alternate. In addition, I did work out twice last week like I said. I went and picked up some asparagus, carrots, green beans and Brussels sprouts and I'm going to have those along with dinner this week to try to increase my calorie intake. I'm also re-reading Mark Sisson's Primal Blueprint book that I have, and really going back to basics, in addition to reading the Whole9 website. Which reminds me, I ate cake and ice cream on Saturday. I had been craving, really craving, a slice of chocolate cake. For like 2 weeks. So I said to myself, "Look dragon, if you want a chocolate cake so badly, lets just have a really good week and on Saturday, literally go to the store, buy a piece of chocolate cake, and savor it." So that's literally what I did. So that week prior I had found this (Whole9's Guide to Nutritional Off-Roading) and it worked WONDERS for me. I don't have a clue as to why. But my brain memorized that chart and now it's like I have the power to say no to stuff. Like before when I would get frustrated, I'd have a huge fight with myself in the kitchen over my boyfriend's snacks in the cupboard. He is 100% NOT paleo and has oatmeal bars up there. Something would trigger me, and bam I'd go straight for it. Last week though with the help of that chart (and some help from the Force) I was able to not have it at all. Then on Saturday when I went and got my cake slice, I ate it all with one of those little tiny tubs of ice cream, the snack sized one that I guess is a taste tester or something? Either way it was the perfect size for one slice of cake. Not only did I love it, but I cut it in half and gave my boyfriend half of it. I do not feel one ounce of guilt about it either. Now the two days a week workout thing I'm not sure about. I feel like I'm cheating if I don't do more than 2 days for a strength workout but I'm going to keep at it. I think my body needs time to readjust, and throwing weights at myself isn't going to help much, especially if my food is out of whack. But I did my 2 last week, and I'll do it again this week. All in all it's going well, I don't feel like I've done horribly by now, I just have to force myself to not look at the scale and freak out if it doesn't move for a while. On an unrelated note: LLAP...RIP Mr. Nemoy.

Ok I'll try adding in more vegetables and seeing if that will help any. Thanks all

I can have some fat I just can't have a lot. When I was in ketosis for 2 years I must have done something because I get a lot of pain if I eat too much of it. Like if I keep my diet the exact same but add a lot of olive oil, bam! kidney pain almost immediately after. Protein I haven't had a lot of problems with as I can eat a big steak and feel fine. And the carb phobia is because I was very into keto for a few years and I went from 260 to 245 while on it and keeping carbs below 25 where I was stuck on a plateau. Soon as I added more carbs (in the way of carrots and paleo treats) I went back up to 255 where I got stuck. Decided to try to be paleo again, I added in more vegetables and fruits (aka carbs) and got to 267. So carbs = bad to me.

So currently I'm trying an eat more to lose weight challenge and I'm having difficulty in doing so without having too much fat and carbs. I'm previously ketogenic and don't want to go above 60 carbs as carbs are very very bad for me. However because I have issues with my kidneys I can't go too high in fat either so I'm having problems trying to meet 1900, keep carbs low and fat not too high. Currently my diet looks like this: 1900 calories 10% carbs 40% fat 60% protein Breakfast 2 large eggs 3 strip uncured bacon 2 oz sausage Lunch: 2 cups spinach leaves 2 tbsp bacon chopped up 1 egg 3 oz chicken chopped up 4 tbsp Balsamic vinaigrette Dinner ranges from home made stir fry, paleo chili, turkey, chicken or ham (crock pot cooked) or salmon. I usually have them with celery, onions, broccoli, asparagus or carrots. I try to stay away from carrots due to the carb count. This is my usual go to but I'm either not meeting 1900 calories or I'm over carb. I can't seem to get the ratio to work. Today I'll be having paleo chili (http://m.allrecipes.com/recipe/235014/paleo-chili/) which has 15g carbs, 22.3g protein, 13.3g fat in it per cup but it ends up being too much fat and not enough protein. I'll end up having 30 carbs just in this if I have 2 cups of it. And at the end of the day today I'll have 1681 calories (need 1900), 48g carbs, 108g fat (need 87) and 120 protein (need 244). I was thinking about adding veggies but I'm afraid of the carb count. Any ideas anyone?

So today is the first day of the rest of my -I hate that quote. So I learned a lot from my previous challenge. I learned that maybe just maybe, I wasn't eating enough. It's still funny, I think, that I can't just stop eating completely and the fat go away. It almost feels logical- food = fat so less food = no fat. But the science behind it makes that completely false. I started eating more to lose weight, I started walking and continuing my body weight workouts. The ONLY thing I changed was the started walking and the amount of calories I consumed. I went from 267 to 261. I had energy up the wazoo. Could it be that I found my miracle? Possibly. I found an old journal from when I lost weight the first time. I didn't have a cell phone then, so no MFP to go off of. But I talked a lot about eating and didn't include calories. I DID however include that I was "so damn full" -to quote myself- and maybe that's one reason why I lost so quickly and felt better. So this challenge I'm going to do 2 new things. 1. Walk. I used to walk practically every day. Rain, cold, sun I was out walking. 15 minutes on my break is what I did around the parking lot. Back then I was in an apartment and I didn't even do any workouts at all except that and occasionally dance central 2. I may lower my lifting to twice a week, and go back to dancing Friday nights to DC3 (they need to make a damn sequel already). 2. Eat to feel full. I hate eating. It fills me with anguish and frustration that I even deserve to eat considering I'm a fatty. I hate eating in public for this reason. But I have learned that I have to eat. It's apparently necessary. So even though I feel terrible for doing it, I've increased my calorie intake to 1900 and I'm going to try to meet that every day. I'm still going to keep my carbs low, not ketogenic low, but around 50, and see where that gets me. The last thing I'm going to do isn't new, really, but I'm going to include other things with it. at the beginning of the year I said I was going to start doing things just for me. To quit sitting in my chair feeling like crap and hiding because I'm fat. I'm going to be 35 if I make it to that point this year and while I know I have issues with the fact that I'm no longer in my 20s, I have to let that go and move on. So I'm going to do fun things. I'm going to continue to meditate 3x a week like I enjoy doing. I'm going to probably be more ritualistic about it, and incorporate some Tai Chi in the mix. I wanted to get to start my Wing chun class but the car said that he needed brakes instead so there goes that. But it's not a lost cause, just a delayed one. To round this out I'm: 1. Walk at least 3 times a week (weather permitting) 2. Lift 2-3 times a week 3. Eat more fewd 4. Relax and do more fun things That's it!

Monks (and some hunters in strange lands) have the ability to make people think we've given up. It's a skill so well practiced that sometimes even we believe we've given up. But we don't. We can get the crap beaten out of us, fall flat on our faces and sometimes just lay there, tanking dirt until we decide it's a good time to get up and keep the raid going (or rez everybody...it's situational). I'm about to reset. I'm about to hop up, straighten my gi, get my stick and keep fighting. My last time here was about learning and I learned quite a lot. My stall, my failure to lose weight was because I was starving myself. I know that to be a fact now. Just looking at what I ate is enough to come to that conclusion. I had MFP set to 1300 calories. Not only that but I didn't even MEET that most days! How was I supposed to go on like that? How did I even walk with intake so low? No wonder I felt dizzy all the time! I swear the things you learn when you take a step back and really look at things and become receptive to feedback. No longer will I let that happen. This next challenge for me is going to be about learning to eat again. To figure out what foods work for me (I know dairy and gluten are out for sure but rice may have to stay) be okay with feeling full, and for the sake of the Force let the damn anxiety go! Granted that's harder to do than the rest as I suffer from panic attacks and it can (and does) happen for no reason. Makes it fun when I'm driving down the road on my motorcycle and suddenly panic sets in, let me tell you. So I didn't die, I simply meditated while I stared at dirt until I figured out what I needed to do. That's how feign death works. Time to hop up and rebuff.

I was originally trying to go for an an animation degree, to get into the cartoon or gaming industry. Both of whom are cut throat and unless you know someone's dad who started a business or knows someone else or you're the next Gnomewise, you're not getting in. I already have $60k in debt and no degree at all to show for it so I'm stuck being a secretary or a customer service rep and hating my life because I screwed myself up so hard I have no way out.

I was feeling okay until today. Had a really big hit to my mental health. My next challenge is going to be a huge one. I have to either figure out how to finally get a degree and get into another industry without screwing up future plans, or tell my heart/soul/chi to stfu. I thought I was over this, but apparently all I've been doing is bottling this up and it's affecting my weight loss as I'm binging to find a way to fill the pain/anger. Somethings gotta give.

This is exactly right. When you see people who aren't beautiful on tv being nearly nude, they are being made fun of. I don't even walk outside in shorts/skirts past my knee for this reason.

Fixing body issues is harder than it should be.

So Friday, I worked out pretty good, and I felt like crap afterward. Usually after working out I feel amazing but this last time, not so much. I really felt like I had been run over by a truck. Sat & Sun I did some heavy lifting by helping my bf work on his bike and keeping the bike lifted through some gnomish wench and pulley system thing that he rigged up and I had to lift the bike...don't ask... but by Sunday I was really feeling out of it. Monday I felt so bad that it took everything I had just to walk from one room to another. So I didn't work out. Tuesday I usually do my cycle at work and I didn't bike. Wednesday I felt a little better, still didn't work out. Today, I chose not to. Tomorrow looks much better. I have some energy back. I think I just needed some time off. Or something. I started eating more, got some macros done and found out that the 1300 calorie mark I had for myself (which I wasn't even meeting) was not enough. So I'm doing a bit of an increase at a time, going to 1945. About 485 calories per meal, and 4 meals a day. It's...proving difficult. I had no idea I was eating so little and the amount of energy I'm getting sometimes during the day now have to be part of that, as previously there was no such thing as energy unless I accidentally got caffeinated instead of decaff at the Starbucks. So I'm going to keep ahead with the Monday resistance band, Tuesday bike, Wednesday maybe rest or pilates, Thursday resistance band and Friday...whatever comes up. I figure by the time the next challenge comes up, my calorie count and my workouts will be old hat. Also, I went from 267 to 261 this morning. That's going in the correct direction at least.

I have tried so many times to do my own hair to no avail. My hair is thick, natural, and a 4b which means it's naturally nappy and course and hard to work with. I've tried youtube videos, I've had professionals try to tell me what to do, it's a lost cause. Unless I want to walk around with a fro all the time I have to go to a hair dresser. Unfortunately.

Decently enough. Im mostly doing my working out, and eating paleo. I will try EM2LW after this challenge is over, gives me time to look it up and see what I should be doing before I jump in headfirst. I'm also meditating more, which I think is helping me remain calm about my stalling situation. No point in crying over spilled milk I suppose. Thank you for the inquiry.

100% nekochan. Inspiration provided by ffxi mithra and ffxiv mi'quote.

My hairdresser was new and not only did I get to face away from the mirror the whole time, I walked out looking crappier than I did when I walked in.

That's awesome!

I think I figured this out now. Here is an image of one of my many girls. I have a comic idea for all of my ladies only my storylines need polishing. This is actually my persona here, her name is Monk.

Huzzah for body image issues when you're getting your hair done and some chick with the perfect body strolls in and the hair dresser sits her right in front of you so you have to stare at them the entire time you're getting your hair done! I LOVE YOU LIFE!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MZhaX8P3W8

for hours?

I'm super late but I swear I've seen this guy on the cover of a Flash comic. You've got "super hero" written all over your physique.

I'm super late but I swear I've seen this guy on the cover of a Flash comic. You've got "super hero" written all over your physique.