BeamofTheTurtle

I'm here I've been lazy about updating my thread, but I'm still keeping on keeping on 3 months in, and still kicking!

"If you're going through hell, keep going." -Winston Churchill You're going. It might be tough, it might not be fun all the time, but you're going. KEEP GOING. Obstacles:

You's one BAMF. Spiked collar, and all, my lovey.

One: I'm mad you put a spider gif in your thread, and then let me read it- without any forewarning whatsoever. /me shudders Two: You rocked that challenge. Every night going to bed when you're supposed to, that's adulting so hard I can't even talk to you right now. Three: 3-zero-five. I'm so impressed I had to pick my jaw up off the floor just to be able to write this post. That's you, Tiger, before the challenge... And that's you now. You've officially levelled up, homeslice! Congratulations on earning those stripes (and scars , and tetnus shots).

So, bad news first: I hurt my back. Again. Yesterday while squatting, I lost concentration during one of my reps, due to a really shitty day overall- and I knew it then- I'd fucked up. I was fine, walked it off, stretched a tiny bit- and figured I could go on. I did, and it was magnificent. But, goodness- I'm paying for it this morning. I don't know if maybe I slept on it wrong, good possibility because I didn't sleep very well, or if I really did mess it up with that squat. Anyway, my lower back is screaming at me, and bending over is out of the question. I'm in denial, a tiny bit, and am trying to tell myself maybe I just worked those muscles out. Maybe during my kickass deadlift?! Other news: I've decided to switch my gym days to 6 days a week. 3 days cardio intensive, 3 days lift. BEST news: 275lbs on my Deadlift. I think that's it though. My absolute max without a belt. So, I'll be looking into one of those shortly. Diet: I've slipped a few times, but I'm focused again. Water: Still good. Mental/emotional: Ha. I'm barely hanging on. Until next time.

You're such an inspiration. 3-0-8 laps? No wonder your shoulders were yelling at you! <3

Hulk smash, huh? <3 275x5 Squat, boss. 30x30 Boxjumps, boss. 320 Deadlift?! Mega boss. Numbers impress Hulk. Hulk do happy dance.

^ YOU. I'm glad you've been able to push yourself, even with the elbow hurting. 5lbs away from your squat goal is another workout or two away from that goal being decimated. I'm proud of you, tiger. Also.

Drunken Walrus? I'm going to be completely honest and tell you I really want to see that, now You know I adore you, right? You keep me positive, and it means the world to me <3 (Also, Psych Happy Dance Gif totally trumps a silly butterfly gif) Thank you so much, Erosan I hope your challenge is coming along swimmingly!

So last night, Zumba. I won't be doing it again any time soon. It's not that it was hard, it's just that it was not good for my self-esteem. Over the last couple of months, I have been doing really good about pushing out of my head when I start getting on myself (it helps that I've been seeing steady results), but last night, watching myself flail about in a room of mirrors- while my social anxiety kicked into overdrive, was not helpful. I spent most of the night, afterward, hating on myself. Specifically, my hips and the fact that after weeks of hard work, they're still not a size 2. However, this morning, I woke up with new resolve. I cannot fit into a size 2, but I also cannot fit into the pants I started off with, either. Did I look like an idiot, and not a very skinny one, in Zumba class last night? You bet your happy ass I did- but I tried it. I lasted the entire class, without giving up. And, while I was there, I remember thinking how stupid I looked with my sweats falling down. Why I couldn't realize how awesome that was last night, I don't know- but it is. Sweats that were once tight, are no longer able to stay up on hips that last night made me cry. These hips that bore a beautiful child, that help me deadlift 270lbs, that allow me to take for granted that I can walk/run/move. They are not perfect, but they don't need to be to be enough. I didn't get here overnight. It took a few years of poor choices and medical issues. It will not be overnight that I go back either. I can press on my stomach and feel hard muscle there. I have thighs that even sitting down cross legged on the couch feel SOLID. My collar bone is starting to show again. I am making progress. It's as if I'm working from the inside out- slowly developing the body I want, under the body I have, so I can one day just shed it and spread my wings. I am a butterfly, living as a catapillar. This moment in my life is the chrysalis. I can either give up and cry because my hips aren't perfect- living forever as a catapillar; or, I can push on, and wake up one day with wings the color of rainbows. I choose to be the butterfly.

/me blushes. Love your face, too

Yesterday's TRX class (with HIIT) went so well. I was even able to work past the DOMS in my stomach from Monday (5lbs extra on that cable machine was apparently the ticket). The hour flew by, and I walked out of the class drenched and sore. I woke up this morning feeling great, with no pain- so my recovery time has been pretty consistant at less than a day (minus the cable chops). Tonight, my friend wanted to go to the gym (she's not on a consistent schedule like I am)- so we're trying a Zumba class since I'm not risking lifting tonight. I love to dance, but I'm not used to taking direction while I do it- so we'll see how it goes I'm updating, because I just realized the date. Today is January 22, 2015. That means I have been smoke-free for 100 days. One-Hundred. I like that number. I like higher numbers, too- but 100 is an excellent place to start.

I'm going to need to start setting a reminder to update this. I want to be able to come back a year from now and see where I was. My workout Monday went great. I've actually started wearing a sweatshirt at the gym because I wasn't sweating during my workout; this concerned me, as I wasn't sure if my heart rate was staying elevated. I can say with confidence that Monday this was not an issue. I was soaked. And, it was glorious. I actually am becoming someone who enjoys walking out of the gym looking a mess. Also, I hit my 6th month goal for Deadlift. Monday of this week, I deadlifted 270lbs a single time. I was so proud of myself, I damn near cried in the gym. I was also able to do 2x5 195 in squats. The very last rep, I didn't think my body was listening to me anymore, and I thought I was going to drop the weight- but I somehow pushed and stood straight.I took off 10 lbs, and finished the other three sets with no problems. I failed my last rep on the bench, doing 5x5 of 100, but, I'm still excited that I did 24 without failure, because I've been stuck at 95 for what seems like forever now. I've also increased my ab workout from 25 to 30lbs, and am still feeling it two days later. Barbell curls- 50, Overheads-50, Tricep pulls-30, Pullups BW+35, Leg Presses 205. Tonight is TRX, and I'm excited. I think I love the gym more than I love video games, and that's saying something. Water: psh. Duh. Diet: I'm still on pointe, but I've stopped tracking my calories. So I need to get back on that. <3 Until next time.....

That number just keeps jumping up and up! ENGLISH CHANNEL, HERE YOU COME! Crash, I'm a little jealous of your awesome use of gifs.

If that ever happens, you know we can't be friends any more. Your crazy and my crazy get along way too well to just take it away like that <3

Happy Dance! You're killing it! <3

Aw, that made me tear up. You think I'm a bad ass Also, you know I love me some Deadpool, lol Thank you, Erosan!!!

This past week has been pretty intense, and I'm proud to say that I'm still going strong. Monday's workout: 1) Squat- 175 (back up to where I was) 2) Deadlift- 235 3) Mil Press- 50 4) Bench- 85 (still hurting my shoulder, so not adding weight at the moment) 5) Barbell Curl- 50 6) Tricep Pull- 30 7) Chin ups- .5BW +25 8) O.L. Deadlift- 20 (this is the highest kettlebell my gym has ) 9) Side wood chop- 25 (I love these!) 10) Wood chop- 25 12) Single arm press- 25 Tuesday's workout (I doubled up this week): 1) Squat- 175 2) Incline- 85 3) Overhead Press - 50 4) Side Lat Raises- did not do 5) Triceps- 30 6) Pullups- .5bw+25 7) Calf Raises- 90 8) O.L. Deadlift- 20 9) Wood Chop- 25 10) Side Wood Chop- 25 11) Single Arm Press- 25 Wednesday's Workout: TRX class w/ 2min Box Jumps, 2min Rows 950RPM This was super intense. It's a body weight suspended workout, and it was amazing. Two months ago, you could not have paid me to take that class- because I would have failed. Last night, I not only did the entire hour, I did it well. The only thing I struggled with was the core workouts, which I expected. However, walking out of class, in pain, and dripping of sweat, was exactly how I wanted to leave the gym. Last night was a testament to how far I've come, and I'm so proud of myself for getting here. And, when I woke up this morning, I was no longer sore (except my shoulder), so I'm proud of that too. Water: I had a sip, literally, of sweet tea the other day at a restaurant, and it was disgusting. I ordered my usual water, and haven't looked back at my once favorite drink since. I've even cut back on milk, and haven't had it all week. Diet: I've finally gotten my Paleo cookbooks, so I'm excited to see the different varieties of food I can cook for myself. I've eaten bread a few times over the past couple of weeks, but other than that- I've stuck to my diet completely. For the first time in my life, even though it's only been two months, I'm starting to feel good about myself. When I walked into TRX class last night, and started doing exercises, I was proud to be able to keep up with the instructor (even though it was my first time). I was proud that I only started getting winded and fatigued 45 minutes in. I was proud that even though I walked in knowing I was going to fail, I walked out successful. Outside of the gym, I may not have any clue what I'm doing. I may still find it hard to talk to people, or believe I have anything but sarcasm to offer- but in that gym? I'm a completely different person. I am becoming, in that gym, who I've always pictured myself to be. Strong, capable, and determined. And, it's what has me coming back time and time again. I believe, one day, that I will wake up and have that feeling outside the gym, and when I do- the world better watch out, because I will light it ablaze. I just need to stop automatically discounting myself. Self-loathing is so unattractive, and I'm guilty of it every single moment of every single day. I'm down another 7lbs over the last two weeks, but, I've noticed I couldn't care less. I only weighed myself last night out of curiosity, but the number on the scale did not bother me. I'm losing inches, and that is where my focus is. Tuesday, when I got dressed, I put on a pair of pants that used to be so tight they could have passed for a second skin. They were so loose, I could pull them up and down without unbuttoning them. They were falling off me the entire day, and it was magnificent. I've been having that experience all week, and I'm completely okay with that! I'm down an entire shirt size, as well- which is amazing. I know I'll need to go clothes shopping soon, but for now, I am going to revel in the fact that none of my clothes fit! Until next time...

I am both famous and important, yes. Bow down to my greatness! <3 Also, Scorn, I hope you feel better :/ Sending you "get better" vibes, and lots of love!

Emotional battles are just as real as fitness ones. Like in video games, we must armor ourselves, and choose our weapons. And, as the challenges grow harder, we must choose weapons with greater hit points, and armor with more defense- even if we've grown attached to a particular example of either. Self pity is fine, in small doses. But, if you're remaining stuck in the circle- you need to rearm yourself. It can be done. You just have to find the right blacksmith This community has helped me so much, and I'm sure you'll find it'll help you, too. Welcome to the Rebellion, Jesse!

Oh I don't do all that in one day- I just haven't updated in a while, so wanted to record my stats. Lol, just thinking about it makes me want to keel over and die.

I don't remember what day I'm on, so we'll just stop counting. I'm still keeping up with my workouts, and I'm already noticing a HUGE change. Last night, after getting out of the shower, I put on a pair of shorts that used to be ridiculously tight. They fit comfortably, and even had room to spare. I've only lost 17lbs, but have gained a crazy amount of muscle (inches don't lie). I'm honestly at the point where the only thing that fits me is my leggings- everything else is too loose. I even have to go bra shopping, which I haven't done in years, because the band can't be tightened any more. So, I'm really happy to see where I am at the end of the month (for my progress pics). My workout: I had to back down in my weights, because I hurt my shoulder last week and couldn't complete a full workout, so I'm back down to last months ending stats, and rising again. I'm also adding the leg machine back into my workout, because I feel like I'm not hitting my quads, hammies, and glutes well enough. Which, is insane, because I already spend a long time in the gym. I wish I could remedy that, but I've got so much going on that 2.5 hours flies by. I haven't even been able to swim, simply because I feel like I've already been there too long when I'm finished. I might start incorporating the pool, only on Sundays, just so I can get into the water and relax. Current Stats (5x5) for all workouts: Squat: 165 (this is the workout I hurt my shoulder with, so I've dropped the weight down considerably) Deadlift: 235 One Legged Deadlift: 20 Mil Press/Overhead: 55 Bench (Incline and Flat): 95 Barbell Curl: 50 Bent Row: 115 Triceps: 30 Shrugs: 30 Chin/Pull ups: .5W+30 Calf Raises: 90 Lat Raises: 20 I've also added cable workouts for my abs so I do not have to do Hanging Leg Raises any more, as they tend to hurt my lower back (very likely due to improper form). This workout is done 4xweek. Every gym day, with Saturday added in as an ab/cardio only day. Each exercise is done 3x30. Ab Workout: 22lbs High Cross Wood Chop Wood Chop Single Arm Press Cable Crunch Overhead Oblique Crunch Oblique Crunch Cable Press Side Crunch In addition, I've stopped warming up with cardio, as it was getting harder to get my heart rate where I wanted it without losing too much energy. Instead, I'm using only the bar to initially warmup (in every workout except bench). I have been doing 2x10 unweighted bar, 1x10 half weight, and then finally moving onto my sets. Starting next week, cardio is coming back and will move to the end of my workout. I have been running several times, due to high emotional stress, but, when I'm not angry cardio is the hardest thing to finish. I have several races coming up this summer, and I have to make sure I can run them. I'm planning to do the C25K program, just to see if I can get my mile down below 12 minutes. Water is still the only thing I drink, besides the occassional glass of milk. My diet has been better. I'm not eating junk food, or anything bad, but I'm also not eating. When I'm going through stressful situations (currently, the final dissolution of my marriage), I am not a binger. Instead, I shut down. I turn into a robot, and daily functions are carried out with autonomy. This, unfortunately, means I forget to feed myself until I'm so hungry I feel sick. It doesn't help that depression, anger, frustration, etc, all cause me to lose my appetite. I've purposely set time aside the past week to make sure I'm putting something in my mouth at least once a day. I haven't even attempted to track calories, because I know that it's not nearly enough- but as long as it's something, I'm doing better than I would have before. Also, chat is helping me- because they never stop talking about food School starts on the next week, on Monday, as well as my Gracie Jiu-jitsu classes on Tues/Thurs. I'm hoping between the time I spend with my son, class, the gym, and MA classes, I won't have time to think about anything else. I've come way too far to go back. I'm seeing results I haven't seen since I was an althete in High School- and other people are taking notice of my hard work as well. I don't want to lose that because I can't control my emotions. Until tomorrow!

Lol, sorry. I don't know why I've been slacking with the forum updates. I've been doing this new excel sheet thing at home, but I promise to try and update regularly from now on Lmao- I'm just going to let that one lie for now

I know I've said it to you already, but you're doing so great. I hope today the pain has subsided, but if not- it's okay to rest, too. In fact, it might be exactly what you need in order to continue. Either way, 50 pushups a day is pretty kick ass:)

And that is when the magic happens Go do it, and don't worry about what you still have left to lose, or how much stronger you get- know that all of that will come. But, think about how happy you'll be when you land a b-twist in x amount of months, instead of never even starting in x amount of months!