spooky

i gotta get myself in gear tomorrow and call my psychiatrist to see if i can get a same day video appointment, i've been having passive suicidal thoughts again so uh.....mental health is my focus rn

new challenge is up! 

i want to do a taoist inspired challenge, something centered around mindfulness and the middle way.  i've found taoist philosophy inspiring for years, and with everything going on in my life,  i desperately need to find my center. there's a book i read that contained the phrase "return to trueness" and that's exactly the vibe i'm going for with this challenge. taking time to check in, to be my authentic self.  

my adhd has been out of control hard to deal with, returning to the present moment and being mindful of distractions (both helpful and not) is a good way to help manage my stress and anxiety. i've been reading some articles about adhd management so i'd like to try and incorporate a tip a week. but ultimately this challenge is about staying present and listening to my mind and body. 

1.  mindful reading: read a page of the tao te ching every day

2.  mindful reflection: daily to do list

3. mindful breathing: daily meditation

4. mindful body: continue with the doctor follow ups, trying to figure out the cause of my exhaustion and headaches

LETS GOOOOOOOO!!!!

bloodwork looks healthy, still working on figuring out what's going on, trying to get a physical appointment. giving myself a level up for this challenge since the exhaustion and headaches are really taking up a lot of my time and energy. will see everyone next challenge, link to come soon!

going to go get some blood tests this afternoon, literally so tired of being perenially exhausted

4 hours ago, Shello said:

Happy Birthday.  Hopefully you had a chance to celebrate despite migraines and fatigue.  They're such jerks! 

thanks shello! it's been an ongoing thing so i'm trying to get a doctors appointment this week, i have one in july but it's really interfering with my ability to do...anything...so to the doctor it is

I had my birthday this week along with migraines and chronic fatigue. Addressing this is going to be the focus of my next challenge. But I'm still here for the rest of this one so it's about making the best steps i can in the time i have left, and then planning wisely for the next one. And also not totally peacing out because I don't feel well.

okay i did an hour and a half of my course today so yay me!

okay i got up and showered this morning, went to the market, ran the dishwasher, helped with laundry, and have been playing genshin. that little sense of momentum helps. gotta sweep next, and do some of my course, which i've been willfully ignoring the past couple of days. still feeling overwhelmed but reminding myself procrastinating makes this feeling worse

inspiration:

It is never too late to be what you might have been.
-george eliot

brain has been in rebellion mode the past couple of days. had to sleep to get myself out of an axiety spiral earlier today. playing genshin to distract myself.

On 5/27/2021 at 4:32 PM, Heidi said:

This is enough.

You are enough.

Be gentle with yourself.

Rest, and know that you are loved.

❣️

<333

feeling very overwhelmed. just taking deep breaths. 

did my course, been a lump all day otherwise. it's okay. each day is different. i did meditate!

daily inspiration:

What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson
 

On 5/24/2021 at 4:09 PM, Heidi said:

No worries!  Check in when you can, and stay as long as you like with a thread. Jump in wherever -- you don't have to read every post to belong.

 

We love you.

❣️

<3333 you always say the right thing

also i'd like to get around to more people's threads after the meetings tonight, it depends on how exhausted i am tbh. but i should have some more time tomorrow!

okay did coursework and cooking and eating, then the break got a little long, but i did check over my emails and i'll be fine for the meetings. which start in 5 minutes. 4 meetins back to back, wish me luck

breaking it down: 

11-1 course

at some point during then feed the cats

1-2 shower and cooking and eat

2:00-2:30 break

2:30-3:30 check over stuff from emails to make sure I'm prepared for meetings

On 5/22/2021 at 11:34 PM, deftona said:

I'm gonna follow ya here too  

always happy to have you <33

1 hour ago, Shello said:

Spoooky!  It's nice to see you around.  It seems like there is some Doodlie Convergence energy going about the universe.  Following of course! 

shello!!!! it's so nice to see you too. doodlie convergence energy in the universe can only mean awesome things are coming

daily inspiration: 

Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.

-Nathaniel Hawthorne

today's events:

work: 8-10

therapy: 10- 10:45

open time: 11-4 (course work goes in here)

4-8:30: internship meetings

today's to do: 

-course work

-therapy

-internship meetings

-work

-meditation

-feed cats

-shower

-run roomba

-make asparagus

8 hours ago, ninjakitten said:

I hope you'll feel better tomorrow. Don't be too hard on yourself. Some things just take time. 💚

<333 thank you, i needed to hear this

rough mental day today. still meditated, no work on my course. i will be okay. therapy tomorrow.

oh also i've been sitting outside with a cup of tea reading other challenges for inspiration. will probably take a shower in about an hour and maybe try to tackle a bit of my room which is a disaster zone. 

i'm keeping my overall life goals in my battle log for now, it'll give me something to refer to when i feel lost, and ideas for future challenge goals. good to have it all in one place! will probably post inspiration and organization/life skills ideas over there too

going to use this as my brainstorming space so i don't clutter up my challenge too much. i'm taking some time this weekend to really think about what personal goals/challenges would take the least effort but give me the most leverage. and then there are some hard thing i really need to tackle that i've been outright ignoring (debt, cleaning my room, spending problems which go along with the aforementioned debt). i struggle a lot with self care due to depression and general self esteem stuff, so in terms of categories self care is 1. i may call the terrible stuff i've been ignoring the DMV bc it's agony but must be done. ironically i don't even have a car anymore. so that's 2. then there's the stuff i need to do for my internship (3) and my job (4), which includes my insurance course that i'm behind in at the moment but still have time before the deadline so it's doable. 5 is personal relationships/friendships which i struggle at maintaining bc i get overwhelmed so easily. some of my goals may seem basic but i have to be honest about what i struggle with in order to get anywhere. i don't want to overwhelm myself so one thing at a time.

1. self care

• showering
• brush teeth
• meditation
• some sort of movement (stretching counts)
• eat well
• drink water
• therapy 1x a week (mondays)

2. the DMV

• debt (student loan, credit card)
• spending habits
• cleaning my room (literally do 5 minutes a day, just SOMETHING)
• get organized in general (figure out specifics for step 1)

3. internship

• read the trades
• department meeting assignments (i.e. design inspirations for website)
• biweekly emails for leadership dept
• insurance course
• keep on top of emails

4. job

• just....more effort
• course

5. relationships

• reach out to one person a week (for now)

did an hour of my course, hoping to do maybe 15-20 minutes more later. i'm behind where i wanted to be by now so just upping how much i do a day by a little will help but not overwhelm. definitely harder for me to keep track of my time on weekends when i feel like everything should just stop for a while