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About naarasleijona

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  • Birthday 08/08/1974

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    Washington, D.C
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  1. Ugh, this cold has been kicking my a**! haven't really done much of anything.... mostly just meditating in the morning - cause I don't have the energy to do much else. I've been taking slow walks every day, and trying to get enough sleep. I've also been reading some really good books. Buddhist philosophy and meditation stuff.....A bit of underpants collecting, but some really good insights that I'm trying to put into practice with my meditation..... Even if I'm not doing anything physically, i'm still trying to come to terms with my mental health issues.....
  2. So. Was miserably, abominably, and frustratingly sick Thursday through Sunday. I'm feeling better today. Haven't done my workout, mostly because I don't want to regress into feeling like crap again. I'm still a bit tired and there's still a lingering headache. It's frustrating when you have to listen to your own body and take a rest.... I'm glad I'm finally out of bed!
  3. So Tuesday was good 1) not a workout day 1/12 2) still no kettle swings 0/4 3) no need to prep salads 1/4 4) lots of chores were done 3/28 Wednesday - not such a great day..... 1) did my workout, but it was hard to finish - I was physically exhausted 2/12 2) still no kettle swings - I went to bed as soon as I got home... Didn't even have the energy to walk Ellie, so hubs and the boys did. Took a nap, and then stayed in bed reading 0/4 3) no need to prep salads (REALLY like having them for work - makes my mornings easier!) 1/4 4) No chores were done. Rather, I got enough of the dailies done, but I didn't work in my studio, and I didn't finish a "today." I'm gonna put it as 3.5/28 Starting fresh today. Still tired, but I think I can get though the chores well enough when I get home from work.....
  4. keeping this update simple: 1) did my workout 1/4 2) took Ellie to the river, no kettle bell swings 0/4 3) no need to prep salads 1/4 4) chores were done 2/28 I went to bed early because I was really tired - just physically exhausted. I think because I had taken a two week break from my morning exercise routine.... I ended up going to bed around 8:30. Reading a book "The Wisdom of No Escape and the Path of Loving-Kindness" I happened to come across it when I was in the book store the other day. One of those happy accidents that just fall into your lap just when you need it. I'll probably have to read it like 4 or 5 times for it to really sink in, but it just seems to hit all the right chords right now..... Being an atheist, I hesitate with all things I would consider "woo-woo," but there is something about the mental discipline of buddhist philosophy that appeals...
  5. Oh my gosh! It's Sunday already! 1) not a workout day. 0/12 2) walked Ellie for my exercise. No kettle bell swings 0/4 3) prepped my salads for the week 1/4 4) did my chores. Wasn't a big mental deal today. 1/28
  6. So here's what's on my mind going into this challenge. I finally had some time to try to sort some thoughts out... Escape to Reality, what does that even mean? About 6 months ago, I finally went to see a therapist. I was struggling with depression issues, and addiction issues. I finally admitted I needed help and even though I was terrified, I made the commitment to get help, rather than continue the cycle of depression and denial. Here are some things I learned about myself. I have identity issues. I’m a typical American 40+ year old mother. After college, I put my life on hold, helped my husband through grad school by working (not career related), then we moved, bought a house, I started going back to school, but then kids happened, and somewhere along the way I got lost. I didn’t feel a strong sense of identity anymore. My life for the past 15 years has been a series of reactions to what my family needs, with moments of self-indulgence with no real purpose thrown into the mix. Some wonderful things have happened, and I made some choices when I needed to. On paper, my life is good. But I felt like I lost the opportunity to develop my own personal identity. As a coping skill, I created not just one, but several fantasy identities in my head, definitions of the kind of person I thought I was supposed to be. I was supposed to be supermom – the mother who nurtured and supported her children and husband. You typical 1940s housewife who baked, and cleaned, and tucked her children into bed at night. Made nourishing meals and helped her children flourish. I was supposed to be a bohemian artist, who filled her house with creativity and open-mindedness. Since I couldn’t afford to bring my family to the world, I was going to bring the world to my family through art and culture and a desire to explore wherever my/our curiosity led. I was supposed to be a successful business woman. I am a creative person, so I should be able to make some kind of business out of all the things I produce. Maybe an Etsy store, maybe work craft fairs around the county, maybe have an online business. I was supposed to be able to take all of these wonderful creative and entrepreneurial ideas and build an empire with them to support both my creativity and my family. You can see where I’m going with this. There are at least a dozen more stereotypical identities that I had somehow compartmentalized as defining who I needed to be. The problem was – I wanted to be all of them, simultaneously. My guess is that it’s a common phenomenon for women my age. We work to be supportive, and provide our lives with very little support for ourselves. So I had these false realities tumbling around in my head of the kind of person I identified myself as, and when I inevitably failed to be perfect examples of them, I would get depressed. I developed a coping mechanism of reading to escape. Reading put my depression and my disappointment in myself on hold. For a few hours I could escape into a different world where everything turned out for the best, and happily ever-afters existed. Unfortunately it became an addiction. Every time I would start to feel bad, I would reach for a book and put everything else in my life on hold – my responsibilities, my family, my health….. So after a marathon weekend of reading 5 romance novels, and letting my 11 year old son go hungry, and my house being a disaster, I decided to get help from a therapist. The sessions were raw and ugly and scary, but I finally got to a place where I think I could actually acknowledge how screwed up my thoughts have been. So now I feel like I’m on the very beginning of a quest – to find my true reality. I face the constant battles of falling back into where I was before. I have to constantly challenge myself to ask if how I am feeling is because of something that is real, or because of what my mind wants to be real. I’m working with addiction recovery practices, reading a lot of Buddhist writings, trying to make meditating a part of my life. I’m trying to take life one step at a time and acknowledge moments for what they truly are. I said before that I felt like I lost the chance to develop my own personal identity. But what I’m learning is that my personal identity is already established. It is who I am, in this moment, with everything that has happened to me up to this point. I have refused to look at it; I have refused to accept it because it isn’t what I dreamed of being when I was 18 years old. It’s time to jump down that rabbit hole, and find out who I really am, and what is truly real. So while I start to move forward with all of that, this is what I'm going to focus on for this challenge. I'm keeping it as simple as I can. My goals are a challenging for me in the sense that they are creating new habits that I want to be part of my life, but hopefully not so overwhelming that they can be done with the amount of effort that I can muster. 1.Exercise: workouts 3 days a week. 2. Exercise: try kettlebell swings 1x per week 3. Healthy Eating: prep salads for each day of the week on the weekends 4. Life: chores: 5 dailies and 1 today chore. Every day. One daily must include a minimum of 10 minutes a day in my shop. Loot for A averages 1. moon yoga mat 2. dumbel fractional weight magnets 3. two serving spoons 4. A silk pillow case
  7. Well, kind of choked there at the end. The last week I didn't do any workouts didn't do the last meal Ellie was walked all except 1 day And no chores were done the last day. So that leaves me with: 1. Weekly dinner 3/4 = 75% 2. Workouts MWF 9/12 = 75% 3. Ellie Walks 27/28 = 96% 4. Chores 16/28 = 57% Not the greatest achievement ever, but I'm glad I finished..... Have to seriously think about how my work obligations and time management affect the last week of August and the first week of September - Might just have to make those blackout days and consider not having the ability to do much of anything other than work stuff and sleep. J Looking forward to the next challenge!
  8. well........ I've had a pretty tough week. The only thing I've been able to do is walk Ellie everyday.... Haven't done any chores and I haven't done my workouts. I'm stressed and tired, and falling back into old habits(stress eating). I got hit by a wave of exhaustion (it happens sometimes... waiting for health coverage to kick in in October to see if I can finally get a diagnosis for what is going on with me). But I still am going to work on this challenge today and tomorrow. The reality is, is that I don't have good enough coping skills or techniques to handle the stress of work. It carries over into the rest of my life, and I still can't find anything that satisfactorily addresses the tension and and desire to feel numb.... I knew this coming into the challenge. Summers are easy, because I don't have the stress of work. This week has been the hardest; it is every year. The coping skills I had hoped would help, weren't quite enough. I've been reading online about dealing with stress at work, and I've tried as many different things as I can. Stress causes exhaustion for me - in addition to the fatigue issues I have. So I've been sleeping.... A LOT - most nights this past week I've been going to bed between 6 and 7 pm. I finally feel like I may have caught up enough after last nights sleep. Not much left but to keep moving .....onward and upward........
  9. Been Busy.... 1) not a dinner night. 3/4 2) skipped my workout But other things came up that were more important.... 8/12 3) Ellie was walked 22/28 4) didn't do all my chores (other more important things came up....) 14/28 Was a day when people took precedence over other considerations.... Sometimes you just have to be there.....
  10. Yesterday was fine. Spent most of the day school shopping with my boys, but I still managed to get the necessaries done. 1) not a dinner night 3/4 2) not a workout day 8/12 3) nice walk with Ellie 21/28 4) just enough chores. 14/28
  11. So, gotta kind of double up here. Yesterday was a busy work day. 1) made tacos and quesadillas for dinner on Friday. Not extravagant, but dinner was consumed together as a family at one table. 3/4 2) did my Friday morning workout... Saturday isn't a workout day so I'm at 8/12 3) Ellie was walked Friday and Saturday. On the way back home tonight I kind of shuffled/jogged. I don't know if it was bad for my ankle, but I was happily surprised to not be winded. I literally haven't moved at a faster pace than a walk since I started having ankle issues about 2 years ago. Felt good to move! 20/28 4). I didn't do chores yesterday, but I doubled up today. 6 regular chores and 2 of the "today chores.,". I sat for a while yesterday, and decided that I need to give myself some credit for knowing my limits, but still pushing for a bit more when I can. Very rarely do my days run smoothly, and I need to built some flexibility into my new habits. Being too ridged makes me feel like a failure. So anywho, I'm giving myself the extra points today because I had the time and energy to catch up a bit. 13/28. bonus points: I did a major cleaning of my garage. Feels like I just won an epic battle it took me 8 hours!
  12. Yesterday was a mixed bag..... Still a huge stress week at work, 1) no dinner - told everyone to be ready for dinner Friday night 2/4 2) not a workout day (thank god!) 7/12 3) My husband walked Ellie again, because I forgot about a parent meeting I had to go to for my son's school..... didn't get home until 7PM, I'm counting it again, because I had to be organized about it and find an alternative.... 18/28 4) no chores done..... didn't get home until late and was too tired 11/28.
  13. long night. This is a major crunch time at work, so I spend a lot of extra hours working in the evenings. Didn't get home until after 8:00 PM 1) No dinner. still 2/4 2) did my workout in the morning. Was like trying to convince a cat to swim, but I did it, and felt good about myself for it. (workout mornings are always good, because at least I have something to feel good about! ) 6/12 3) Ellie was walked by my husband because I wasn't home. Have mixed feelings about this, but I'm counting it, because I made the effort to remind him, and I was doing the best I could despite the fact that my hands were tied) 17/28 4) no chores done - went straight to bed when I got home, but I'm thinking I might do some extra things this weekend to make up the difference..... We'll see how much energy I have. I'm not gonna kill myself, but having a cleaner house would help my mental state too...... 11/28 long night
  14. 1) haven't done any family dinners.... So I'm still at a 2/4 2) didn't do my workouts on Friday or Monday, so I'm at 5/12 3) Ellie has been walked every day, so I'm now at 16/28 4) not enough chores on Friday, Saturday, Sunday or Monday. Did them tonight so I'm at 11/28. Emotinal levels are are a bit more stable..... Gonna try to get a good nights sleep tonight.....
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