NeverThatBored

...........NTB has entered the chat 😅 Still alive, all! Just struggling to engage with the forums. I am back in CA with my dad after the long east coast visit. We had my mom's belated Celebration of Life, which went well. Not that it was a competition, but my speech was totally the best. Afterwards, a lot of people said variations of "Wow! Your speech was so good!" to the point that it was honestly insulting and made me question what people think of me! Literally that same night, the moment I thought I could finally relax and start to think about the future, my dog Charlie hurt himself. We came home to a very horrifying scene that I won't detail here - but basically he tore holes in both of his knees so bad that the vet thought a coyote must've attacked him. He required a ton of supervision and daily wound care and we honestly all thought he was going to die (he IS 17) but he's recovered! Things have finally settled enough that I can start to try to do some activities and make friends around here. I've gone to some board game meetups, and this weekend I saw Evanescence in concert, which was really really cool! I've started looking at apartments around here and testing the waters, but prices are insane. It makes living here feel unsustainable. Like, I want to be near my family, but at what cost?? Having a roommate for the rest of my life?? I can't remember if I've mentioned it here, but I've also been doing therapy to try to help with the "What now?" question. We're trying EMDR therapy, which is cool, and I like my therapist. But I do feel like we talk about my parents too much instead of dealing with the practical questions I'm focused on trying to answer.

For anyone else on this thread, we texted about plans! I'm not a total jerk! Our SPARTAN RACE is tomorrow!!!!

Oooh, what days?? I'm down for something! I'm around VA probably until the Spartan, then maybe a week or so in NJ before I head back.

Plans for the coming week: Get up early Mon/Fri to walk or bike ride...maybe Wednesday? Tu/Thu I do morning Crossfit so I should do an evening walk instead. I took Wednesday off of work to go hiking with Eggs, weather allowing. I'm hoping this will be both fun and satisfy my urge to do some woodsy stuff. Study more...push to get through the rest of the section I'm working on! And read the first chapter of my tax prep textbook. Consider going to that yoga class again on Friday and do at least 2 shorter yoga videos during the week Call my dad back. If that leaves me with any energy, call my cousin who I haven't talked to in a while. Call that stretch place back and actually make an appointment

Still here. Still floundering. Floundering is exhausting! Is it...week 3? Some updates: Studying: I've made some progress on studying. Not as fast as I'd planned, but I'm actually making progress. I signed up for a tax prep course that starts next month. It's mainly for fun 'cause I'm a personal finance nerd. But it is cool that it can also be a side hustle if you want it to be. I've been playing the ukulele when Eggs isn't around, perhaps a bit aimlessly, but practice is practice Walking: When I started this challenge, I was getting myself up in the morning for a walk/exploring/a bike ride. That lasted the first week and stopped, so I'm going to re-focus on that this week. I don't HAVE to get up early to do these things, but I feel better about myself when I do. Calling family: I called my aunt Driving: The driving school I contacted only has time during the workday, which is inconvenient, so I'm going to look for a different one. At this point I might just wait until I'm back in CA. Relaxing/fun: I went to a yoga class on Friday. I can't say I was fully relaxed after, but I was more relaxed than when I started. So I want to do more of that. My friend's apartment complex has a pool, so I went there today. Again, floating is something that helps me relax, so I felt more relaxed after than when I started. It's something! I struggle to have fun by myself. But a lot of my free time right now...I'm by myself. I'm not entirely sure what to do about it. Eggs and I watched a movie together (Burlesque), which was nice. I still haven't even seen Bacon at the gym since my last post. 😕 I feel like my stay here is going to end and I'll have barely seen her at all. Exploring: I meant to go on a bike ride or exploring today, but found myself without any energy. I drove to the place where I would bike from...and then turned around and drove back. I didn't have it in me. After that, I hung out at the pool, which woke me up! But it was a little too late to go bike riding at that point. Maybe I can go early one day this week! I'm lagging on the exploration goal. Other Stuff: I got a flat tire this week, had my spare put on for me by AAA, and had it all checked out at a tire place, which took half of the work day to deal with. Then over the next two days the car was kind of loud and I wasn't sure if it was a new tire thing or a problem. But then I checked the tire and realized the bolts were super loose!! It's frustrating because I did what I was supposed to do when I got the flat and it still had to be dealt with a second time. It also made me feel bad because I already have so many car-related issues (parallel parking, maneuvering, terrible sense of direction) that I felt like this was just another thing I did wrong! But several people were appalled when I told them the bolts were loose, since that's such a basic thing, that I've started to feel better about it. I was already in car mode, so I've I started reading Wild, which I'd meant to read anyway but has some weirdly specific things in common with my own life situation - the author lost her mother to cancer very suddenly when she was in her 20s and felt drawn to go on a 3 month hike. I've also been feeling a strong urge to go get lost in the woods or do long endurance things. She writes that she took about 4 years to get through the tunnel of her grief, so it's an interesting window into what might lie ahead for me. I joined 2 grief support groups on facebook, which are good, except that now every time I log in I see tons of posts about people's grief, which is a lot.

Unfortunately, it's not a situation where sharing my feelings would help. She's legitimately very busy right now. She has a 4 year old, a full time job, just started coursework for a new degree that she's adjusting to, and has things like going to Crossfit that she's still maintaining time for. She knows I want to hang out when she can. To complain that I'm lonely because we're not hanging out more when she just doesn't have time would be rude, when I know all that. It's just all really terrible timing. And the way my brain works, unfortunately, is that it starts wondering if people actually like me when I don't pretty regularly confirm that somehow. So I know she likes me enough to want to hang out when she can, but does she still like me enough that she misses me too? Or do I care a lot more about the relationship than she does?? I don't really understand why she WOULD want to be friends with me in the first place. Of course, based on the many ways she's been there for me over the past year, of course she cares about me! There's no reason for me to doubt it, but my brain is like "I dunno, kind of seems like she doesn't like you ANYMORE even if she liked you a few months ago." and the only way to really make that feeling go away would be for us to hang out again. And all of these stupid anxiety feelings are way too much to put on her by sharing them.

Facebook has been pushing facebook memories a lot lately, and apparently 12 years ago I posted "you can't wring your hands and roll up your sleeves at the same time." Which feels weirdly appropriate to this challenge. It's kind of inspirational but kind of unhealthy. Just like me! Today was hard. I was running around yesterday - crossfit to groceries to taking my bike in to have the brakes looked at to a movie night with my friend. But today I didn't have much to do. I wish I'd gone to one of the places on my adventure list but that didn't occur to me early enough. I ran to the mall to buy something, then went on a 30 minute bike ride in the late afternoon. Days like this are hard because they make me face the reality of what it's like to be alone. I feel a strong urge to keep busy. Now at the end of the day, I also wish I'd spent more time relaxing instead of anxiously looking for things to do. Challenge updates: I didn't study every day, but I did several days and that felt good The driving place got back to me but now I need to call them back and I haven't yet I also need to call the stretch place back and make an actual appointment I drove by one of the places on my exploring list and was like "that counts, right?" and I biked on a new trail...from the same park I already counted towards this goal. I did also go to a bike shop, which is a new place technically. Unrelated to any challenge goals, I went to Crossfit 5 times this week. I was only going 2x/week while at my aunt's, so this is a big jump! I did go out in the morning on non-Crossfit mornings for walks. I attempted one bike ride but my brakes were squeaking so badly I quit the ride 5 minutes in. I ordered my cousin some glasses with dogs on them for her upcoming birthday - yay, birthday goal! I am planning a hiking day with my friend and asked for a day off work to do that I didn't call anyone...I mean to call my aunt, but I feel low on the energy needed to do it. I've texted her a few things so I'm not neglecting her entirely, but I do feel guilty that I haven't called her more I'm kind of frustrated about something so I'm going to complain here where it's safe to vent! I have 2 friends in this area, and I came here to visit them mainly. We sometimes call ourselves The Breakfast Club, so I'll call them Eggs and Bacon. Eggs I'm staying with while I'm here. She's got a busy work schedule, but I see her because I'm at her house at least. Bacon I've hung out with like twice, and seen at the gym a little bit. Bacon and I were really close up until about 2 months ago. We were working out virtually regularly, multiple times/week and then at minimum 1x/week when she got a bit busier. Those workouts turned into long chat sessions every time. We both said that if we didn't chat with each other at least once a week, we felt kind of grumpy. She was a big part of helping me get through the last year. And now that I'm here she's gotten super busy! The entire time I was at my aunt's, we didn't do anything virtual once. She's genuinely busy with tons of stuff - it's not personal - but it's deeply frustrating! And lonely, to suddenly feel cut off from a friendship that felt so strong and important to me. I can't be demanding of her time when she has a whole life to manage, and I feel silly, but it's honestly left me really anxious and maybe a bit hurt. Like, she's busy, but has she also decided she no longer wants to keep up our weekly chats because she has so many other things going on? Does she no longer feel grumpy when we don't get to chat? Not being able to chat with her has left a bit of a hole in my life lately. And since there are already so many other holes, I think it's bothering me more than it might bother someone more normal than me. She things her schedule will level out a bit in September, but I'll be leaving in September, and it all just really sucks.

I am sleepy and I just remembered I haven't studied at all today wah. I'm going to do it, because better some than none! I might not get through the full long 3 pages that I'd hoped to, but some is better than none! I went to crossfit this evening and did a little stretching before class. I started figuring out some yoga options, and thought about doing some, but didn't do more than a pose or two in the afternoon today. I also submitted a request for an appointment at this really interesting stretch place where you lie on a table and they stretch you, which sounds really neat and I've been meaning to check out for a long time. I called my sister, which was good though it doesn't count towards the calling family goal.

I think these have become more popular lately, because I'm seeing a lot more varieties everywhere! They're tasty!

So this morning I got up and went to a nearby park. I'd been there before like 2 years ago, but I'm counting it towards my exploring goal. 1/3 for the week. I walked at the park, for my daily walk/run/bike goal. I also realized there's a bike trail connected to the park, which will be a convenient place to ride my bike compared to the other trails in the area.

<-- Me My mom died a year ago. Around the same time, my boyfriend, who I was living with for years, moved away. We haven't broken up, but he's far away now, and that changes things. I don't really know what to do now, in my life. The two people who I relied on most both disappeared, and it feels like I'm drowning. Floundering. Emotional late night post coming, so feel free to skip ahead if you prefer not to read all of that. Part of it is grief, of course. A huge part of it. I adored my mom and the hole left by her loss will never be filled. I can't do anything about that. But part of it is also that I'm used to being able to rely on others to make me feel safe in the world, and those others aren't there anymore, and that's deeply terrifying and deeply lonely and I don't quite know how to handle it. I've leaned on some friends and family in the past year, and I'm deeply grateful for them, but I can't lean on them forever the same way I could on my mom or boyfriend. I worry that everyone's getting impatient with me. I worry that my fear looks too much like self pity. So I feel like my only choice is to try to change. To learn to handle the things that I relied on others for well enough that I feel safe even without them in my life. I want to stop being afraid. But I also hate this. I liked being able to rely on other people for the things that I wasn't good at. I liked being able to just be who I was, weaknesses and all. I believe that people should be able to do that. They shouldn't have to be anything other than what they are. But it is what it is. Years ago, I did "Operation STOBAL (STOp Being A Loser)" over the course of several years, and I grew a lot over that time. It was basically just a massive list of all the ways I wanted to grow, experiences I wanted to have, etc. So now, Operation Flounder is born. If I'm going to flounder, at least I should do it with some direction, I guess. This list is more aspirational than something I think I can do all at one time. But for now I'm just going to put a bunch of things down. OPERATION FLOUNDER [Stage 1] Parallel parking - this has been on my list forever and I just never did it. My mom meant to teach me. So did my boyfriend. I never had to do it much because other people have been happy to drive me places in situations where I'd have to, but it causes a lot of stress to drive around worrying that it might come up. So now I've got to make it happen. I just submitted a contact form at a driving school to get a jump start on actual action on this one. Study - I have this kind-of interest in getting an MBA. I don't know if it actually makes sense in my career (or finances), but I keep coming back to the idea. So, at the very least, I can study for the GMAT and see how I feel about it when I get to the application point. Regardless of if I end up doing it, I think I'll benefit from knowing I can commit to a thing and do it. The act of studying in itself will be good for my confidence. I've got 24 pages of the math section in the book I have (the only section I really need to study for), and if I do 3 a day I can get through that in 8 days, and then move on to practice questions. I started tonight. Birthdays - My mom was a gift giver. She loved shopping for and buying gifts. Losing her immediately made me deeply interested in celebrating friends and family's birthdays. And I have been pretty good about giving gifts in the past year, both for occasions and just because I want to. But some birthdays still sneak up on me. So I want to start a monthly process of thinking about all upcoming birthdays for the month and giving gifts accordingly. Walk/Run/Bike Daily - This habit ebbs and flows, but it's an important basic thing for health. I haven't been so good about getting up in the morning in the last year or so, and I want to start getting up in the morning and moving. Any kind of moving. Stretch Daily - I've been doing this a bit more lately and it's so healing. My body feels better. I want to make this more of a habit. Exploring - Going places often stresses me out. Because I'm bad with directions. Because I can't parallel park. Because I'm not used to having to get myself everywhere without other people to drive me. Because I'm naturally kind of a homebody. Because being at home meant spending time with loved ones and that appealed to me more than going out a lot of times. But I think the only way I'm going to feel less afraid is to start to go to more places. So I want to. Maybe 3x/week? I don't know if that's too much. But I made a list of destinations to check out and I'm going to do it at least some over the next 5 weeks or so. Backgammon - This one's sentimental. My mom was amazing at backgammon, and had only started teaching me to play in 2019 or so. I want to keep playing it and getting better. Because I would have with her here, and I want to carry that on even without her here. Somehow that's become important to me. Call loved ones - Once a week, I want to call someone, like a family member, beyond my usual list of my dad & sister. Fun?? - IDK how to relax or have fun anymore?? I seem to have lost that ability. I'm not sure what to do about it, but I want to figure out what things bring me joy and make me laugh and do more of those. So I guess I'm just keeping an eye out for opportunities. +To Dos - I've got some to dos to take care of and have put them off because anxiety, mainly. So I want to deal with those. Anything that I'm avoiding out of any kind of fear, I feel like I need to address. None of these are bad things to work on. None of them are really new or shocking. Not all of them are really even about becoming more self-reliant. They might not even address the basic issues I described. But I feel like the act of working on these things will be confidence-generating. And I'm sure the list will evolve as I go. This is more like Stage 1 of Operation Flounder, and will lead to bigger steps. A lot of the Stage 2 things I am interested in doing aren't really possible at the moment.

Conclusion: third is not the one with the treasure chest. Somehow the challenge is over and I didn't do the things, but it's not entirely surprising given my east coast tour. One thing I can focus on is focusing on more specific habit triggers next time. Now that the challenge update is out of the way... I am now in VA, visiting a friend for the next 4-6 weeks and it's super weird!! She offered to let me stay with her and it was her suggestion, so it's not me imposing on her unasked or anything. She works an early shift and goes to bed super early, so we see each other briefly in the evening and that's about it. I've only been here a few days, but I realized I've completely forgotten how to just have my own free time where I don't have to be coordinating with someone?? With my dad, he constantly texts me to tell me when he does things (e.g. "going on a walk") and constantly asks me what I'm doing or planning to do during non-work times. I hate that he does that and don't want him to do it but it's the reality I've been living with for a while now. When I was caretaking for my mom, it was intense 24/7 coordinating with my sister around her care And then at my aunt's, I was caretaking for her a bit so I was coordinating with her. Even as she got better, I felt that I was visiting so I should stay in her presence in the evenings since I work all day. When I stay with my former college roommate, I always feel like I should do the same thing, even though she and her husband put on boring tv and scroll through their phones most of the evening and there's no reason I have to sit there while they do it. And before my bf moved away, living with him involved a lot of coordination around meals and where I was going if I left the apartment, etc. With this friend, because she's busy and also just because she doesn't expect it (??) I'm just free to do whatever I want?? Go somewhere or don't go somewhere. Watch tv, eat a meal, sit in different rooms - and none of it has any bearing on what she's doing with her time?? And it's so DEEPLY UNCOMFORTABLE for me because it's been so long since I just lived with someone (though it's just a long visit) who didn't expect or even want me to coordinate with them. I had a realization in therapy a couple months ago that I'm never relaxed. I'm always tenser than you are apparently supposed to be. And I think this constant need to coordinate coming from the people around me (or my own habits formed by being around it for so long) is a big part of that. While I'm here, I'm hoping maybe I'll start to remember how to relax a little and just be able to spend my time how I want again?? And maybe that'll help me feel more in tune with myself again??

Catching up - great challenge!! You did so well!

I do this! I'm a big fan. You can refer to the list later but it gets it out of your head. Using a bullet journal is a much better idea than my method of writing it on random post its that get scattered all over my desk

I did a short yoga video this morning and gosh my hips have gotten tight while I've been at my aunt's! It's funny how you don't realize how stiff you are until you start trying to do certain movements. For those of you who also find Adrienne from Yoga with Adrienne talks too much in her videos, I recommend Yoga with Bird! So far I've found her videos are short and she gets right to the point, which I appreciate when I'm trying to squeeze in a quick video.

Umm, the dark side is great!!! She should definitely join the dark side!

Discord confuses me too! Let me know if you figure it out.

Alexandria! I lived there from 2017 until last year, and I'm going to go stay with a friend in the area who invited me for ~a month or so. YES YES YES JOIN USSSS

*sheepish wave* Hello, I'm still here! I've done a bonesaw or two and a mindfulness session or two since I last posted, but barely. My boss gave me like 4 new projects at once and - SURPRISE (not) - everyone wants things done for July on really aggressive timelines. We talk big about preventing our clients from starting contracts with us with these unrealistic timelines, but it never seems to actually happen. I also had to deliver a webinar, which I found out last minute (2 days before said session) my boss wanted me and my colleague to build the slides for too! Improv is not my thing and I care about how I come off when I'm speaking in front of 200 people, so I had to spend several hours prepping for that last minute, which of course pushed back actual project work. And to top it all off, I agreed to participate in this cookie decorating contest work event, so not only have I been WORKING LATE every day, but one night this week I had to spend the whole evening baking and decorating cookies - FOR WORK. AHHHHH My workouts have been suffering too. I found a local crossfit gym to drop into while I'm here and went Mon/Tues, but then things got so busy that I haven't gotten back. I've gone on a walk or two, but there have been thunderstorms + I've just been so suddenly busy that those have dropped off too. There IS conveniently a pullup bar at the park so I've done pullups whenever I walk, which is something. My diet's off-kilter because I'm at my aunt's. One of the cornerstones of my food is green smoothies for breakfast but she doesn't own a blender, and I've been sauteeing spinach and/or eating fruit instead, but it doesn't have the same effect. She also keeps complaining about things being messy or not having as much counter space as she wants, which is really stressful because I'm AGGRESSIVELY cleaning everything all the time to try not to bother her, but I do have to eat!! She's now able to drive herself places, so I feel like I've mostly completed my nursing duties. I'm having a good time visiting her and particularly her cat Andrew, who is madly in love with me and comes to cuddle with me all the time, and who I will miss terribly when I leave! I'm thinking of leaving in a week or so, but there are several things I wanted to do while here that I haven't done yet, so that's starting to make me feel frantic as well. After my visit here, I'm going to go visit a friend in VA who offered to let me stay with her for as long as I want, and then I'm thinking of coming back to this area for my birthday in September before I head back to CA. I turn 30 in September and the idea of spending my 30th birthday far away from all my friends is too depressing. A friend in VA has been babysitting my car for me all this time, but I'm nervous now because it feels rude to ask her to keep doing it, but I'm not sure what else to do with it and I was only ever planning to visit while I'm out here. She might not care but I'm nervous to ask and I'm nervous she'll say yes but be annoyed and not tell me, but I'm also nervous about what to do with it if she doesn't want to watch it. My diet/exercise routine will be easier in VA, even if my work stays frantically busy. So that's something. This post ended up having nothing to do with my actual challenge goals, but I'm out of time and I've got to run now so I'll come make an actual challenge post later where I talk about what to do about this actual challenge (if anything)! AHHHH

I've definitely stepped on whiskers before - those things are sharp!!

Today I remembered my challenge goals!! Woohoo! But I feel really down, so I didn't want to do them. But then I did them anyway! I also went on an anxiety spiral that involved googling things like "rules for breaking a lease if you lose your job" among others. Note that I have neither a lease nor any job insecurity at this time.

+1 Poor Wolvie! I want to come yell at your FIL for you. 😡

Haha I went and did the same thing earlier!

Yesterday I forgot that once you post the challenge you have to do the challenge! Today I remembered. I had a frustrating time piecing together a workout with what I had on hand, but I ended it with some bonesaws. (T_T) I didn't do mindfulness exactly but at the tail end of a walk I stopped and did a 4-breath mini-mindfulness sort of thing. It counts! I also found a gym ~15 minutes away that I can drop in to while I'm here, which will be nice! I get stressed when I'm staying with people + working. I'm like...is it rude for me to leave and go to the gym after working all day and spend so little time with my host?? I can either go after work or try to get up early and go...which is probably the better move but ughhh. I'm going to go on Tuesday, I think.