The Ox King

Hi, it's me... again... again... I've been in a downward mental spiral again, set off by rapidly increasing weight, which seems to have been (ironically?) set off by getting back into working out. For those who don't know, I'm Matt, 33M, ADHD, depressed, anxious, etc. I lost about 100 pounds from Jan 2016 to June 2017, most of which was done between Sept 2016 and March 2017. In early 2018, I was at my lowest weight, but had been slowly coasting since June 2017. About mid-2018, I gave up my weight loss journey in search of enjoying life. The problem was that I had developed orthorexia, dysmorphia, and was spending upwards of 5 hours in the gym, 6 days a week. I felt that I was eating, working out, sleeping, working, or meal prepping. I didn't socialize, I felt like I had to ignore people to keep up my "good" habits, and I was just overall not happy. After that, I started believing I "deserved to eat" bad food or taking a rest day. Eventually, that lead to overall poor eating and not working out at all, which lead to regaining most of the weight. In October 2021, I was back, about five pounds shy of my highest weight. Since then, I've lost about forty pounds. I'm intent to lose the weight in ways that keep it off and keep me healthy. I'm learning more and more about the long-term positive effect exercise has on the body and mental health. Also, I'd like to live past 70. Much of my family on my mom's side died in their early 60's or earlier. I'd like to enjoy my retirement. Overall, I'm just trying to find that balance between what I want to do and what I need to do, and finding how I can cross the streams. Feel free to ask me anything.

A very haggard dwarf practically falls through the front door. If you didn't know better, you'd almost think he were a zombie. He drags himself to a nearby table and collapses/sits on an empty chair. He answers, "Unfortunately, that's a sign your meat's got bacteria in it. I recommend cooking it through and/or tossing it entirely. Even fresh meat can yield bacteria if it has gotten warm at some point, possibly before you ever laid your hands on it."

I suppose I can't say I don't exercise at all. I take the dog for a 10-15 minute walk most mornings, but that's because I feel guilty she's stuck in the house by herself most days.

I'm majorly depressed and need some magic to pull myself up. I'm gaining weight, eating sugar, not exercising at all, overall a hot mess... well, a mess. Not sure about hot.

I'm back after a long time. Someone on Facebook reminded me of the forum. I've been in the worst depressive slump I've been since 2013. I am questioning everything in my life, except my dog. It's the nature of depression, I guess. I hate it. I haven't been exercising or getting sunlight. Today, I had to get some car work done, so I walked from work to the mechanic shop (left the car there earlier in the day to have them work on it), then walked the dog after. About two miles overall. Most exercise and sun I've gotten in a long time. My fiancee's father died, so she's not home. Being alone has made me realize how f'ed up I am lately. I'm really in the hole. Just done with life and whatnot. Not actively suicidal, but not happy or satisfied. Been eating more sugar too.

And now I "fasted" for the full day, and binged with cake to the point that I am at excess calories. F me.

Lost my uncle (death), my girlfriend (mutual breakup), and two cars (transmission and axle) all in the past two weeks and allowed myself to get off track. Now, it's time to reel it back in. My anger is back. I'm trying to stay positive, but I really need a workout or something to calm me down. A real issue. I'm super irritable and trying so hard to stay positive that anything negative in my environment makes me want to throw something out a window. This anger astounds me. Really wish I had a vehicle and/or my running shoes so I could go to the gym (currently at work).

Yesterday was a purposeful rest day, and I had three strength training days in a row. I messed up at the final second, eating three boxes of pocky. After I had the first, I simply couldn't help myself. Since I was ashamed and ate it really quick, I believe it was the start of a binge. Lack of sleep is likely the cause. I donated blood today and was planning on working out. The Red Cross folks seemed to really emphasize that working out would be dangerous. So I'm forced to take a second rest day. Money has been rough. Idk why, but it seems that my food expenses have been bumped upward recently. I had a very strong vision yesterday of the guy I want to be. Basically a geeky, kind powerlifter.

Can I use Ox King as a verb? To me, being the Ox King is to be the strongest physical offense and defense as possible. Might not be too smart or fast, but his power shots are something to watch for. His endurance and stamina seem to have no end. His personality is the definition of Bullish. Though he is slow, it is something he seems to be changing through sheer willpower. As such, my primary tools are cardio, strength training, and food tracking. I eat loads of protein, and try to watch carbs and fats (though I do have a wicked sweet tooth). I will define each of my strategies as a "minion" and my struggles as "opponents". There also may be side quests, bystanders, and a lovely lady or two. The Ox King Stats: Warrior class Chef sub-class Level 25 HP: 330/330 Stamina: 30/45 (I'm a little worn out today) Strength: 40 Endurance: 45 Speed: 11 Flexibility: 6 (Physical movement) Precision: 12 Magic: 2 Sous Chef (Minion): (Aka, Nutrition) Level 7 Chef class Tactician sub-class HP: 90/90 Stamina: 120/120 (Food prep was all done already) Strength: 10 Endurance: 10 Speed: 10 Flexibility: 12 (Physical movement) Precision: 16 Magic: 18 Description: Just... keeps... going. Prepares meals readily for the party. Golem (Minion): (Aka, Workouts) Level 4 Warror class Brute sub-class HP: 60/60 Stamina: 40/80 (It's a Monday...) Strength: 60 Endurance: 30 Speed: 25 Flexibility: 10 (Physical movement) Precision: 10 Magic: 1 Description: Hits hard, but easy to defeat. Mage (Minion): (Aka, Mindset) Level 4 (stalled) HP: 50/50 Stamina: 10/30 (In kind of a bad place mentally, but I'm recovering) Strength: 8 Endurance: 10 Speed: 15 Flexibility: 12 (Physical movement) Precision: 12 Magic: 22 Opponents: Laziness (Big demon) Level 12 Unknown stats. Seem to vary randomly. Description: Very powerful demon. Seems to get stronger when it is dark. Feels strongest against weak heroes. ('Study' to know more) Sweet Tooth Level 7 Unknown stats. Description: Becomes strengthened when other demons are also strengthened. Arch-enemy of Sous Chef (minion).

So, long story short, I like networking with those around me (physically) so a friend asked me to help her get a job. She does not live near me and I'm not sure how to expand my network to help her. I'm pretty much a LEO (LinkedIn Enterprise-something, basically I connect to thousands of people), and yet I still rarely communicate with people aside from sending birthday messages and saying "hello." I've tried communicating a few times, but it seems like I'm the only one on the site that uses messaging. I would like some tips on how to begin some active communication with other people in areas that you wouldn't usually tie yourself to. For example, I'm in the aerospace engineering industry in very southern Maryland and she is in financial management in Towson, Md.. I don't have jack to cross those industries and places. I can do one, but to fish for both is outside of my comfort zone and networking circle.

I'm surprised no one has posted it here, but there's 18 or so of us nerds attending the Spartan Sprint in DC on September 10. Most of us went to Camp Nerd Fitness 2016, but all are invited. There's a team for it (search using "nerd") and they'll set us up to all have the same race time (though it seems like we were trying for the Sunday morning spot). The password is "CNF365". There's also a Facebook group. We'll be getting brunch afterwards.

I have returned!

Ahhhh! I forgot to come back!

This month, I will be focused on re-building habits, building new ones, and enhancing positive personality traits by adapting the environment to suit me. My main objective will be to start connecting to the actual people around me. I do it somewhat, but I can and want to do more. "If you want to be more positive, surround yourself with positive people." One of my biggest challenges will be balancing my (enormous) school workload with my exercise routine. To defeat this challenge, I will need incredible discipline. Weeks begin on Mondays and end on Sundays. Push myself to complete 4 sets of 21 reps of 3 strength exercises (I'm counting push-ups and crunches as strength) 4 times a week: Week of 7/17/2017: 2/4 (Homework got the better of me) Week of 7/24/2017: 2/4 (More homework. This challenge is at a bad time for me. OTL) Week of 7/31/2017: 0/4 Week of 8/07/2017: 0/4 Have a 2-minute conversation with someone you don't know 5 times a week: Week of 7/17/2017: 2/5 (Nope) Week of 7/24/2017: 0/5 (Didn't happen. I'm sorry) Week of 7/31/2017: 0/5 Week of 8/07/2017: 0/5 Brush your teeth twice a day five times a week: Week of 7/17/2017: 8/10 (Messed up on Friday) Week of 7/24/2017: 4/10 Week of 7/31/2017: 0/10 Week of 8/07/2017: 0/10 Play ukulele 5 minutes a day every day for 30 days: Week of 7/17/2017: 2/7 (Hmmm...) Week of 7/24/2017: 0/7 Week of 7/31/2017: 0/7 Week of 8/07/2017: 0/7 Hangout with someone outside of family 1 time a week: Week of 7/17/2017: 0/1 (Again, homework took priority this week) Week of 7/24/2017: 1/1 Week of 7/31/2017: 0/1 Week of 8/07/2017: 0/1 Spend 6-10 hours a week on homework (based on actual work needed): Week of 7/17/2017: 15/8 (Homework obliterated my social life) Week of 7/24/2017: 19/7 Week of 7/31/2017: 0/10 Week of 8/07/2017: 0/10 Sleep 6 hrs night 7 days/wk: Week of 7/17/2017: 5/6 5/6 4/6 8/6 5/6 9/6 7/6 Week of 7/24/2017: 5/6 4/6 6/6 5/6 5/6 9/6 0/6 Week of 7/31/2017: 0/6 0/6 0/6 0/6 0/6 0/6 0/6 Week of 8/07/2017: 0/6 0/6 0/6 0/6 0/6 0/6 0/6 Make a stranger smile at you (non-waiter or cashier) 3 times a week: Week of 7/17/2017: 0/3 (I don't get out much, okay?!) Week of 7/24/2017: 0/3 Week of 7/31/2017: 0/3 Week of 8/07/2017: 0/3 Da big ones: Max out one workout: 0/1 Arrange or join a hangout with someone new: 0/1 Complete my 3 deliverables for each class: A: 3/3 - B: 1/3 Deadlift bodyweight: 0/1 Squat 200lbs 3x -OR- Leg Press 315lbs 3x

I forgot about this thread. Yeah, this is still an issue and it's June (practically July). I can't seem to find a new goal as important as getting away from my old "disgusting" self, which is what previously drove me.

Waaay late response, but w/e. What you are describing is the level of DOMS I tend to do. Almost always the result of a Monday (today is Friday, and I can still feel Monday's leg day). That's why I have a rotational plan.

Every day now feels like it ends in failure. I keep having great intentions on Monday and by Wednesday, I'm messed up. My general goal is to hit the gym 5 days a week, with 4 times being my minimum. Lately, it's been hard to just go 1 time a week. I know I always feel best when I get done with a workout, but I just feel blah. Food has been okay, but yesterday I f'ed up. I ate pizza and brownies instead of my standard dinner (I mean, better than my old self, which would have eaten dinner too). Overall, I know it couldn't have been more than 1000 calories (haven't tracked it yet). My downfall began in March. I reached 280, which was a huge milestone for me. It was the weight I graduated high school with. I slowed down from five days a week to three-four days/wk at the gym, and my meal plan relaxed a little bit to allow for whatever vegetables (rather than just broccoli) and to eyeball the chicken. I even let myself substitute the carb sometimes, for something else. In May, I hit 250. That was another huge milestone. It was the weight my brother was. I felt that once I hit that weight I was not as abnormal in size and I no longer felt disgusting. My drive virtually dropped. I'm no longer odd. Sure, it'd be cool to reach sexy, but it's not as strong a drive as losing the "disgusting" self I was before. I'm still fat, but nowhere near where I was. I'm sticking mostly to the meal plan, but every day 200-400 extra calories slip in, cutting my deficit to nearly zero. This is bad. Now, the interesting part is that each of these milestones also coincided with a week long trip. During these trips, I watched what I ate, but didn't worry about it much and certainly didn't work out. I lost about a pound a day. Part of that was being surrounded by people who expected me to eat little, and also eliminating my normal snack (basically dropping my calories from about 1800/day to 1100-1200/day, plus whatever exercise I did [a lot of walking]). When I got home, workouts were hard to complete. Not physically hard, but willpower was lacking. I felt like I'd lost the reason. Eventually, with my trainer (scheduled weekly, so I usually have to go. Messes me up when one of us has to cancel), I get mostly back on track, but always slightly less on track than previously. Right now, I've got a girlfriend. I just started dating her about two weeks ago. I discussed it with her and she said she's excited to see me continue my growth (or loss). I thought that that'd be a drive for me, but I think it's countered by the fact that she's seen me without my shirt and she wasn't repelled. One of my big reasons for losing weight was to get a girlfriend, and here she is. I'm torn. Logically, I should keep going, but my mind is saying, "why? You're done. You hit your goals." I've tried setting new goals multiple times, and they don't have the drive behind them that the "disgusting" and "repelling" self-image had, and thus I seem to fall off. I know that the gym, for me, is a self-reinforcing habit. The "pump" I feel and progress I see (via weights of bench press/deadlifts/squats) push me to keep going, but when I take a break, it's hard to keep going. It starts off by skipping a day for homework, teleconference, or family event. Then another event, and another, and so on until I haven't been to the gym for 10 days. Logically, I see the benefits: increased mood and sex drive, physical strength increase, better posture and breathing, etc. I'm just back to having trouble getting to the gym. My other issue, which is probably the same issue, is priority. Right now, I'm in my final semester of this degree. It's intense. It means two hours of homework. Currently, due to my time schedule I can only do meal prep, exercise, relaxation, OR homework in a night. Homework is priority (final semester and all). I keep telling myself that I can balance it all, but what if I can't? Homework, girlfriend, working out, other friends, family, meal prep, boxing, etc. It's too much, but I don't see any of them as being something I can drop. I considered dropping one of my classes, but I've already paid for it, and would lose that ($1500 per class!). Plus I'd be screwing my teammates and would push graduation (and thus a big pay raise) back a semester. I'm really into my girlfriend, so I don't want to give her up. Working out maintains my depression avoidance. Friends have already fallen by the wayside and family isn't doing much better. Boxing is off and on. Meal prep is done. That's the one thing I haven't changed, even if I don't always eat what I prepare. I listen to Steve Kamb's book and he says that it's a matter of priority, not time, but look at my list. There's nothing that I can give up that I haven't already. The only solution I see is pushing the Reset button. This means revamping my schedule such that I workout in the morning, I emphasize my eating, I talk to my girlfriend less (or at the gym via phone), give my evening to homework, and go to bed really early. I can still allocate one day/week to boxing. Looking at it, it's a simple solution. I've tried over and over to do it, but this time I think I'm forced into a corner. I have to stick with it, despite (ugh) mornings. I think I found my solution.

It's mostly my fault. I had taken nearly a month off my standard training, thanks to vacation and just generally life stuff. It wasn't the trainer. Also, I had told him a while ago that I wanted him to push me. I have issues with explosive movements (as in, I struggle to do them; I'm a heavy and slow pusher), so I'm trying to work around it. Like I had said previously, it's not super common to be bad enough to need it. It's only once or month or so, and typically after a "lazy" week anyways. My DOMS has never been bad enough, I think, to leave bruises. (I had bruises, but mostly they are because I'm an idiot and don't learn that putting heavy dumbbells on my legs between sets can bruise them)

Hm. I just thought "Pain caused by inflammation, so take an anti-inflammatory." I hadn't thought about it being something that interferes. Thank you!

NSAID - Non-steroid Anti-Inflammatory Drug DOMS - Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness Lately, my trainer has been pushing me a bit harder than he used to, and it's led to a few severe cases of DOMS. Generally, when the pain is bad enough to make me particularly uncomfortable or unable to work, I will take an Aleve or something (an NSAID). Generally, this is only once or twice a month, but two or three days in a row. I was reading something on WebMD about DOMS (I was seeing if there was something I could do to cut recovery time) and they said that NSAIDs can actually INCREASE recovery time. As far as y'all know, is this true? (Placed here, because I consider NSAID as a supplement.)

I've lost the fizz to my pop. I've lost the sax in my band. I've lost the kick in my step. For the past few weeks, I've been slowly heading downhill. Workouts have become sparse, food is out of control (sometimes too high, sometimes too low). Part of it is that I've reached a big milestone. I've finally reached a "normal" weight. I was always bigger than everyone else, and now I'm close to 250. That's about average for the people I'm around. That basically made me lose one of my main visions. I'm no long "abnormal." Sure, I still eat better than I used to, but junk keeps slipping in. I feel like I'm getting fat again, but the scale says that it's all evening out (except for today, because it was Easter). I used to be excited from the workouts, and now I just push through it. I guess the best way to say it is that I'm bored of working out and losing weight, even though I haven't gotten particularly close to my goal. My goal is to get down to 180/190 pounds, then gain muscle to reach 230/240.

Well, it happened again, regardless. Turns out it's proportional. I finally reached the "official" 50 pound lost mark and I binged on honey mustard pretzels. Added 1800 kcal to an already heavy day.

As stupid as it is, every time I recognize an achievement, I seem to hit a wall or stumble a bit. My therapist says that I'm not comfortable with praise, internal nor external. I think she's right there. Since I made this thread, my mind has been all over the place, and as has my progress. My weight seems to have stalled, but it's my own fault. I missed some workouts and ate more than I had planned for. Starting yesterday, I've hopped back on the bandwagon. Who knows, maybe the screw-ups will result in a positive bump in my progress?

Yikes! That is scary! And I don't recall dreaming when I drank (I don't anymore). I dream every night, so that's unusual.

I've got several wins to share, but the primary one is that I managed to avoid my old habits and peer pressure, while attending a funeral reception. The food was 95% bad, and I usually would have dug in heavily, but I simply got a small plate of kale and turkey, then got some fruit and more veggies for dessert. At the end of the day, my calories were right where I wanted them to be. Other mini-wins: I've officially lost 45 pounds (mini-win because I'm losing ~120 in total). I went to the gym today, and completed most of my routine, despite not having dinner by that point. I finished about 11pm, so that gives you an idea of why it was so hard. I listened to my body and lightened up on weights when I felt that my body was too worn out to go my usual full weight. Better to finish the set at a lower weight than not at all. I've planned my cheat meal for the weekend. I usually save that for in-the-moment urges. I'm starting to see major changes in my body, moving towards where I want to be. I've got a special appointment with a counselor tomorrow to talk about vulnerability. I'm a bit scared, but it's scheduled, so I'm not ditching. My assisted pull-ups... well, I thought I was getting 200 pounds of assistance... I was actually getting 112. That's awesome.