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Renate

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Everything posted by Renate

  1. This is @ the public mental health care provider btw. This is a different place. We called. They sound good. Just need to figure out what my new insurance will cover, if anything, and decide if I want to ask my employer (and take a hit in my future salary negotiation) or pay myself (and use savings that I need for the future place deposit + anything that might need money because I lost or broke or didn't consider something in the midst of the moving + start of my vocational education) C.A.S.H. (but making contacts with caring people who are good at helping AND taking care of their own and other people's boundaries also matters!)
  2. Ugly crying. My "main" boss had a story for a pair of clients today about how we do the area of expertise that we do, and that we enjoy it best, and you are usually also better at what you enjoy. And it made me hear echoes of both the soft and hard skills and knowledge and quick thinking I had built up by simply fucking spending less time with my mother. During the time that the bitch told me "we'd gotten distant", likely because she wasn't getting the trauma bonding she craves and needs and gets energy from to feel close to someone, that's what she got daily with her parents right? FFS. There's absolutely no fucking use in ruminating over the time I spent with her. But I am. I couldn't stop thinking for the last 2 hours of work. And this was AFTER my call with my mental health care "manager" when I told her my anxiety symptoms had simmered down. I guess I didn't lie, this is more distressed somberness than anxiety. OH it was lined with anxiety if I'll manage to finish my work. At 4 PM I messaged this website that works with employers to provide easy access to mental health care. Will call with them tomorrow morning. I'm still on the waiting list now in December, and I was hoping to get a call late October/early November. I need help for my career. I need help to deal with the triggers of my colleague. To keep my income so I can stay on the path to getting on my own two feet. TW: mention of suicide (though I'm not suicidal) & SA Okay. I think I... vented. There's no sense in analyzing that pile of BS. Hope the call with the mental health place will lead to something.
  3. Yeah. It wassss! I had a giggle. NSFW & coping humor: Yes, actually! That made me so happy. The link: Maybe this meditation stopped working for me after being effective pretty consistently for 3 years, because... I was trying to put out a forest fire with a watering can. Who knows. But I'm not ceasing the experiment. It will be fun to try a guided visualisation one tonight. Not sure what type yet. Beach? Forest? Who knows. **** I felt FLY today. The firm is renewing the website & I picked my fanciest outfit. Unfortunately the shoes that went well with this dress turned out to have felt the passed time more than I thought they had. But they lasted me long enough until I felt it was cool to change to my handy dandy block heel platform ones.
  4. Oh my. Giving so many thanks to my past self for getting that multicooker. Waking up to the smell of cooked steelcut oats (on a wintery day) was amazing Wonder what other kinds of breakfasts I can put in it.
  5. I'm so proud of you. You did it so politely & exactly with the "you seem ____" communication tool that they also teach mediators to use I'm sort of sad when people feel the need to deny they are upset, or maybe they are too stuck in their head to feel it and recognise it. But I am learning to let that go. And oh myyy I so wouldn't have thought to go for muted tones for the drawing of an exotically colored bird. It looks pretty. Maybe the background could be a little lighter, but that's personal taste, I have no explenation as to why it seems that way to me. Rock on!
  6. Let me think of what meditation I'll do tonight. I think my classic "mindfulness" meditation would be a good one. Because it worked for me for a long time, then it stopped & I started this experiment with the aim of figuring out what works for me now. Tomorrow, visualization Other types: Noting. Body scan and/or progressive muscle relaxation. Chakra meditation, if I can find recordings that resonate with me, as I have forgotten how to do those myself in a way that really focuses on the sensations stored in different parts of the body, rather than the spirituality around it. Box breathing / pranayama (or other kinds of focus meditations, playing around with different lengths of in and out breaths). Alternate-nostril-breathing. Walking meditation. Mantra-based meditation. https://www.headspace.com/meditation/techniques https://liveanddare.com/types-of-meditation/ https://www.webmd.com/balance/what-to-know-about-alternate-nostril-breathing https://liveanddare.com/three-pillars-of-meditation Loving kindness & skillful compassion would be good ones to revisit once I got healthy boundaries built and intact. Right now I need self-compassion & a clear delineation of myself.
  7. I've made dedicated time for meditation once, and every day just a little "on the road". It's been good. I pretty much decided on a health insurance. Just need a couple of data points that I e-mailed a health care provider about. Thank you for the wish of luck! Yeah, I have a lot on my plate, and the contents of it are constantly changing & need to keep an overview. I'm going to try to get an exercise round in before my next physiotherapy appointment, but it's definitely not a "do or not do, there is no try" thing. Self-compassion. Baby steps. I'm fighting wars in my mind constantly these days, breaking down enemies borne of someone deciding to have a child without having the necessary parenting or relationship skills to do so Re-parenting myself as I go!
  8. Seconding the fox love! Do you watch any Youtubers for art/drawing (technique) inspiration?
  9. Thank you for being you. It was my fatigued mind choosing making contact with the people she misses being around over being understandable Not sure it's always wise but here we are. Now less sleep deprived me - managed to get proper sleep last night after mildly better sleep at the beginning of this week - can reply after establishing a connection. So! Explenation: More concretely, I was communicating that what I actually wanted to do is offer you supportive words, but my enthusiasm in wanting to share kept getting in the way of that. And I didn't have the mental energy to give that priority over the shiny topic tired-me wanted to talk about. So I let myself write it, and shared I then deleted it in case you had seen it and wondered where the message went. So. First of all, I am cheering you on for the smaller step acknowledgement! Progress over perfection. Having to eat food without entertainment is not some superior character trait, as you may know. Following you for self-compassion, even if difficult
  10. Hi Harriet! Dropping by. Happy to hear you have kicked some ass but would not have been any less glad to see you any way. Sorry to hear Mr. Harriet is struggling. I crave for my bed so my mental capacity only allows me to share with you, something I have recently learnt, going down a rabbit hole on hypnosis. Rather than helpful input, or even just filtered thoughts while managing my enthusiasm to share with you a tidbit that would be better shared at a later point. So I wrote it, and then edited away. Will share soon if you want Now that that is out of the way, I want to say, I will keep you both in my thoughts. Much strength to you and see you around
  11. Hello, hello, This challenge I'll be trying to actually fulfill a regular daily goal. Yeah, I know, I might be asking too much of myself here. But I have a fitness regimen coming up with the fysiotherapist (I got myself in my new city of residence #2, which is where I work so I'll just keep this one even if I move elsewhere come Spring) & I want to get that going. The way I'll do that is to create mental and emotional space by firing my meditation practice back up. Aaand I think I might need to do something I did as a teen, which is to try different meditation styles until I find what works best for me again. Because what worked best for me back then, worked well for me until 2019. Then since then I kind of feel like I need to turn a new leaf, I guess. Besides my depression symptoms flaring back up like never before, they've subsided now and I cannot figure out a different reason why I can't just jump on the ol' bandwagon. Ah well. So make time for meditation every day. Is my one and only repetitive goal. I also need to cut Gordian knots with regards to which new health insurance to get. Do some (re)organisation in my financial administration. It's a work in progress. Get a new phone membership & cancel my old one (which was tied to me living at my parental home).
  12. Check! Well, partially... I got sick on Tuesday so mostly recovering. But I did see a couple of friends DISASTER. He was more anxiety-inducing than coaching. Was nice to get behind the wheel though. And when my gut feeling got enough to go on during his bathroom break, my assertiveness took over (which also had a positive effect on my driving). Blegh. Sort of. Slowly. Won't finish my plan but it will be okay. Ehhh marginally. They aren't as flexible as the help offered by the municipality at my ex' city of residence. But I got a good idea of what they offer + I have a place to call now. Just will require still a lot more energy than I have when I am at very low points. I always take personal responsibility but the person I had contact with at the other place was just. More actively brainstorming with me. Ah well. I will be okay!
  13. Taste I enjoy it, but it's very neutral. Likely because I didn't salt the water. I was tired/distracted & I think it needs more "nuancing". Texture I absolutely love how they feel in my mouth, and between my teeth. I cooked them close to al dente & the thickness, the tube-ness, it's great. 10/10. Ease of eating I generally like making thicker pasta sauces, as was this one. I don't mind but I think they are more suited for thinner sauces: particularly types that can really get into the tube. I haven't made a mess so far, which is actually surprising to me. I expected them to flail around. I think I make more of a mess with regular spaghetti exactly because the strings are lighter and FLOOP easily Breaking news! I have the next week free. Yay. Lots of fun things on the menu: Seeing fun people Getting a driving lesson by someone who specializes in people with fear of driving Getting my house in orderrrr Possibly getting help with a few things from the municipality etc....
  14. OK I went to a choir practice on Monday, but the people didn't vibe with me. I don't mind old folks but they show signs of getting real up in my business. & I'm not looking for a replacement of my anxiety-riddled parental unit. I'm looking to have healthy danger signals AND YES THERE ARE 60+ OLD WOMEN THAT HAVE THEM. I've met them. Anyway. I decided: fuck it, I'm going to make a singing training regimen for myself. I already have gathered information and bodily awareness (via the logopedist and some months of choir practice) I recorded: Chef Special - Nicotine (a song I used to sing with my old choir) Frank Sinatra - My way Jingle bells As "before" comparisons. I'm going to build up a practice routine and knock myself out - Focus on getting a hang of the vocal warm-ups - That includes CONFIDENCE & allowing myself to be free (when I wouldn't be waking neighbours up rofl) - Figure out a pitch training schedule
  15. I hope it was clear that the crying emoji reaction on the forum was a bit too dramatic for your statement here, not that you were being dramatic! I didn't have the spoons to word it better the other day NOR to rationally decide to just not say anything when I feel unable to communicate well
  16. I made pasta sauce in the multicooker and it was goooodddd though I forgot to put in the herbs on time so they soaked less. Maybe the left-overs will be tasty. Maybe I didn't use much. Tried bucatini for the first time. Tasty. More detailed review later.
  17. It is interesting to see how people react while setting boundaries. Be patient and steadfast. People are used to approaching you in some way and it will take a while for them to get used to the new rules.
  18. Did you get to it? How did that feel?
  19. First weekend where I can relatively relax household wise. Really taking the time to recuperate. Last week was difficult. Anxiety is chilling out but after a meeting (psycho-education about something that is impairing me a bit in my days) I had some anxiety dreams, overall nastiness. That's why my radar was low in spotting the signs of that couple/dude but it's okay. The problem with people that play games is that they believe absolutely everyone else does as well, and their fear colors their vision even when they attempt to be genuine. Fall down 7 times, stand up 8. Shedding the onion layers that do not serve me anymore.
  20. Bit of a dramatic reaction but I feeeel ya. Bleh. Had a disappointing conversation on Monday. Was trying to use Tinder to meet folks to broaden my social circle just in general & met a woman who was also newly moved but ALSO looking for a threesome. I offered to meet and if they want, help them out with brainstorming but that I am personally not interested. Though in more words which was apparently "vague" according to her boyfriend. Prompted this rant of mine which I will later copy/paste to my journal account when I remember my password xD (I didn't send this, just things I wish I could say in the sense of that it would make any difference.)
  21. Obstacle: I can use the (45 cm wide) dishwasher with a less guilty mind if I use more dishes/utensils. (It's still never full but hey.) We shall see how this unfolds.
  22. All dishes done! Aim for next week is to keep washing the same things & for it not to pile up Buuut only if it doesn't dissuade me to eat...
  23. Yesterday morning I washed NEARLY all dishes/boxes that had gathered in the kitchen. Breathing but not sleeping enough. I need to keep throwing journalling at myself. Need to keep my journal on my desk I think. Every day for sure write down the promises I made to myself.
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