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Renate

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Posts posted by Renate

  1. 15 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

    How is everything going?

     

    Thank you.

     

    I had a semi-alright period and now hit another rough patch. 

     

    But, I'm just trying to focus on enjoying being my little neurodivergent self.

     

    I have a whole training program in preparation for the holidays. Cardio and wine. By December I want to be able to drink a whole bottle and just be tipsy, and I want to comfortably dance 1 hour. What is life without neurotically specifically planned goals? (At two glasses and 25 minutes now, cheers)

     

    It just feels annoying that I'm struggling to make friends at 29, man. 

     

    I didn't struggle for the longest time even as a kid but after the 6th move (third cross-country one) something just broke in me, that inner drive to lay down roots and I just focused on school work (and later, uni work)

     

    but now that my brain/memory kinda gave up I don't even have that (it's rebuilding, I'm starting to remember more and more, which helps with interpersonal relationships too but FUCK it's going slow)

     

    Can I start over this life, please 😛

     

    That's enough of a pity party now, though... ❤️

     

    How are you doing?

  2. Sorry for the radio silence yet again!

     

    The cocooning has been laying fruits! I've been less and less self conscious lately.

     

    Breathing more easily.  Meshing in with the local folks.

     

    I was considering doing prep for the New Year's dive with cold showers but I think having a walk every day for 1 challenge even when it's drizzling might be a better test for resilience. (Or maybe if I really really really don't want to go out, I can have a cold shower :p)

     

    Thank you @Kalitraz and @Skywalker so much for the encouragement!

     

    Kalitraz, thank you for reminding me about the Walk to Mordor!

    My phone has been weird about connecting to the internet and opening apps and I'd like to track my routes with Stravas if I do... But I'll give it a whirl, regardless! 

    • Like 1
  3.  

    Hey there dear folks,

     

    there has been a lot of nerding out about psychology and not so much fitness in my posts in the last challenges, and I haven't been around a lot, which I regret. But I'm doing  a lot of things at the same time and one of my therapy goals is learning how to make meaningful connections so it's well. Sort of part of my whole deal that I'm working on right now. Laying down roots and becoming functioning.

     

    But it's finally time to cocoon and get my general nerd, fitness nerd, and fitness lover on.

     

    I've been whipping out a notebook and pen and learning about things that make my brain feel good. 

     

    I've been eating a lot better than I did in the  few years before. 

     

    I want to start eking out moments to walk/run outside. Laughably small goals.

     

    The main thing holding me back is feeling self-conscious about the people in the neighborhood seeing me be confused about walking routes. 

     

    Which only means that I need to prepare better (and meditate more, because fudge what people think, but I still want to prepare better because I like being prepared. It makes me feel good about myself.)

     

    Let's gooo!

    • Like 2
  4. "To radically accept means to completely recognize and accept the reality you're in—even when that reality includes pain or discomfort. Regularly practicing radical acceptance can help us cope with painful emotions so we can move on or even come up with a plan to make an uncomfortable situation better."

    A Forbes article.

     

    Yes my family is difficult and my mother gave me little to no tools to deal with life, puts no effort into doing so for me, and continues the same trend.

    Yes I've had a tumoultous childhood.

    Yes I've restarted my healing process for the second time in my life. 

    Yes this week I've been having intrusive thoughts again.

     

    I also have an amazing resilience.

    And sweet friends.

    And there's been someone that I've been dating that has been incredibly valuable in my healing.

    I'm making my home cozy.

     

    I'm getting help.

     

    I'm going to have an amazing life.

    • That's Metal 1
  5. Okay I'm having a bit of self-defeating thoughts.

     

    About how when I was a kid I was so busy dealing with my mother's survival matters that I never learnt how to be an independent adult.

     

    According to her, I should have just lived at her place until I had a partner to live with.

     

    And then I'd learn, by necessity.

     

    Which would  have been a valid - albeit traditional - point if she did not at the same time teach this sense of hyperindependence. A drive to be such but never taught me the tools I would need. And never did teach me how to be a housewife, either.

     

    but this all does not matter one bit.

     

    That is in the past.

     

    It's no use spending all of this negative energy.

     

    I suppose it does not help that I'm having my mother and sister visit next weekend.

     

    Talk about a reason to have trauma and burnout triggers re-emerge. I'm very much avoiding their calls.

     

    I see.

     

    It's time for some more training of radical acceptance.

    • Like 1
  6. On 9/30/2023 at 10:46 AM, Renate said:

    Wine festival today, we'll see how that goes.

     

    It went alright but mentally I was quite a bit meh. I told the friend I went to that that is what I saw him as friends and he found it difficult to hear.

    I guess I shouldn't call him a friend since I'd noticed some pushiness in the past few times we met up, too.

     

    I'm still leaking a lot of energy, attracting people who want to leech of it.

  7. Wellll,

     

    On Thursday I did somewhat of a fruit and veggie fast, which I am happy about.

     

    I decided recently I'd start taking metylfenidate again because of the start of my professional training (3 years)

     

    Right now it's starting to become less and less needed as my anxiety symptoms are waning more and more. I feel so blessed I have the luxury of being able to turn my life around 180 so that I can build one during which I can apply my boundaries as necessary. This leaves more dopamine to be spent on other things that also bring me joy and energy ❤️ 

     

    Although it is becoming less needed, the metylfenidate is still a quintessential tool in my toolbox, to get the boost I need to get settled into new routines. And that is okay. I spent years being very stringent about not using any drugs, not even coffee, "as a crutch", but instead I used escapism and toxic relationships as a crutch to deal with my reality. So I wasn't not-using any crutches. Crutches are okay when you've got a broken leg, as long as you've got a recovery plan (if recovery is possible, and I know it is). Of course you can have a perfectly satisfactory and beautiful life in a wheel chair as well but if we're talking about emotional and spiritual crutches and wheel chairs, I prefer trying to form and follow recovery plans.

     

    Anyway, the reason why I mentioned it at all is because I forgot to take it a few days and I noticed it during my days. 

     

    It's not killing but still. I have no reason to be stingy about using the pills. I have Mondays off since I started my training so I can go to the GP/pharmacy then without taking additional time off now.

     

    The fasting was alright, though I had a glass of wine in the evening with my dinner, spontaneously. And that hit a bit strongly after not having eaten during the day, I'd forgotten I hadn't 😛

     

    Wine festival today, we'll see how that goes.

     

    Not getting to actual exercise, not even yoga yet.

     

    Though there's always my  biking and walking to and from the train stations!

  8. 18 hours ago, TimovieMan said:

    How did your week go?

     

    Thank you!

     

    It's been interesting. Finally a pretty calm week external obligations speaking. Kind of now getting into the flow of what is expected of me work-wise and what I want to do. Processing the passing of my grandmother. Applying the soft skills I've been (re-)mastering both on the professional and personal level.

     

    Starting to cocoon but not quite.

     

    Starting to do my beauty routines which is very grounding.

     

    I felt a calm wash over me yesterday though that was different today. 

     

    But I'm trying to remind myself I cannot undo 10+ years of constant instability at home with 1,5 years of instability and worrying about my safety and income. 

     

    I've had therapy and I have my own income and I've made huge progress but it is what it is. And I'm living alone & commuting 2,5-3 hours each work day. I can be proud of myself.

     

    More concretely I successfully submitted my second assignment for my prof training

     

    I'm starting to remember number sequences and names again.  It's  been days and I still remember the name of the neighbour on the other side and his kid even though I didn't write them down. Big win.

     

    Food-wise I snacked a lot less than other weeks, I got myself fruit and I'm eating it, I'm cooking. Remembering to drink water right when I wake up and before bed.

     

    Good times.

     

    ❤️

     

    • Like 1
  9. On 9/10/2023 at 4:39 PM, Renate said:

    I'm going to play it all by ear for now, as my grandmother passed away last night and I'm going to make a trip to the other side of the continent to go to her funeral and support my family...

     

    Well. 

    That was a rollercoaster.

     

    I felt weird Saturday night and I was sleepless last night.

     

    Pushed myself to do a Routine this morning. 

     

    My life has been one big school for learning how to channel my adhd symptoms and autism symptoms as I need them 😆

     

    My need for structure and consistency helps manage my need for variety and dreaming and starting new projects, in theory.

     

    In practice during stressful periods I procrastinate, reach for easy dopamine, get messy, and stress structured side out to no end, making the rest worse.

     

    Anyway.

     

    Time to tidy up, make dinner, and then fill in my Personal Development Plan

    • Like 1
  10. 5 hours ago, Rhovaniel said:

    Mind? Never. If it's company you'd like, happy to share a drink with you.

     

    Oh, for sure. Let's talk about bits and bobs and sing along any song that comes up as best as we can, clink!

     

    Spoiler

     

     

    8 hours ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

    Cheers to the memory of gran, may the best of her live on within you 💜

     

    What an amazing wish, thank you so much, Snarky ❤️ 

    • Like 6
  11. Hello all,

     

    How have you all been?

     

    I've been on a rapid healing journey, finally getting out of my head & survival mode and starting to invest back into the people around me.

     

    Friends that stayed after others left and friends I am making new with the energy I am slowly gaining now that I accept people who cannot get enough of it to remain anywhere near me unless absolutely necessary.

     

    I'm gaining skills and knowledge I didn't have before and regaining such that I had lost during, well... I call it brain damage after repeated re-traumatisation. The politically correct terms I use out in the wild are "burn-out because of my master's thesis and covid".

     

    My professional education started this week.

    I am re-building the relationship with my family on my own terms.

    I'm slowly getting routines in my new city of residence and at my office.

     

    I'm making the most out of what feels like a generally speaking new energetic era.

     

    I have a few weight loss, exercise and life goals.

     

    I want to lose 5 kilograms but I'm going to track that with photos.

    I want to pick up something for strength or endurance and a mental balancing/flexibility activity and stick to them weekly for at least 6 months. I find it likely that will be weightlifting and yoga in practice.

    I want to become a good conversationalist again and let go of the social anxieties I regained during covid. That includes picking up my hobbies so I find myself interesting again (lol), (re)learning about conversational techniques, (re)learning ethics of the social circles I'm in and applying them, among other things.

     

    I'm going to play it all by ear for now, as my grandmother passed away last night and I'm going to make a trip to the other side of the continent to go to her funeral and support my family...

     

    But as always, having a thread to write my thoughts that can theoretically be read by others (even if it doesn't) always helps me with accountability. (I know I haven't been around a lot and I don't know if I can reciprocate yet, and life is hectic and busy for most of us.)

     

    So... The games begin! Allons-y!

     

    Yours,

    Renate

     

    P.S. - I'll elaborate on the thread title sometime, I promise!

    • Like 2
    • That's Metal 1
  12. So, I showed my humble abode to my colleagues today. It was so scary since it is really humble, more what I should have had as a student, not as an adult, almost 29, second year of proper work experience.

     

    I also have been doing my best to act naturally, even if that is a tad weird. With rough edges. Sharing what I like unapologetically, but also doing my best not do out on a shield too much.

     

    No, it is not office politics savvy. In the slightest.

     

    It feels incredibly vulnerable in a way that is probably going to seem unnecessary in hindsight.

     

    When I know better, I'll do better.

     

    Right now it is of vital importance that I learn that the world will not end when I am... Myself.

     

    Not my behaviour when I am triggered. Closing off or over-explaining, being overly blunt or super diplomatic. Just whatever feels right, in my gut.

     

    That is the fastest way I will learn to attract and maintain healthy friendships. And I am proud of myself for daring to go so far out of my comfort zone. 

     

    Even if it is making me want to break things and cry interchangeably and simultaneously. 

    • Like 2
    • That's Metal 1
  13. I'm really going back to where I left off when I started studying. 

     

    Mindset of "no time for bullshit, no energy to spare for people that don't give back".

     

    My purpose is to shine & flow & help those along my path, and grow together.

     

    Grounded hippie style. 😂

     

    Yeah, uh

    In the name of Jesus (Spread the word!)

    "No weapon formed against me shall prosper" (Preach!)

    "And every tongue that rises against me in judgment, thou shall condemn" (Preach!)

    (Lord give me a sign!) "For this is the heritage of the servants of the Lord"

    (Preach!) "And their righteousness is of me, " said the Lord (Preach!)

    Amen, uh

    Lord give me a sign!

    – DMX, "Lord Give Me A Sign"

     

    Tonight there is a camping thing that sounds like I need to be there. 🙏 But it depends on whether the friend that invited me has time for it. Doesn't sound like a place I can go alone because of the commute. (When will I reach my car goaaal! Yes lots of expenses but the flexibility will be much needed given the adventurousness of my friends all over the country 😂)

     

    Much love. Didn't make it to yoga.

     

    I decided yesterday I had my last cigarette for a long time. I started smoking for comfort's sake when I moved after the breakup with my ex. (Smoking was pretty much the only constant in my life my mother offered me 😂 She always smoked or was busy getting cigarettes for cheap.)

     

    Taking care of my body. Water. Tea. Coffee with moderation 😛 Having time and mental space for meal planning. (Minimal but I didn't have it at all for healthy cooking until recently.)

     

    2023 is going to be the year I find myself again.

    ❣️

    • That's Metal 1
  14. 2 hours ago, Renate said:

    I made a budget for the stuff I need for if I start with tennis but I won't be able to start this season.

     

    Just got an introduction card for 1 of 3 nearby yoga places, which turned to have aerial yoga. So incredibly cool. Booked the lessons so I'll have at least one outdoor fun thing in my neighborhood the following weeks. Woohoo!

     

    Of course I've also been walking a lot when I've gone out and between train station and locations but that's commute, not recreative movement which, ideally, I want as well. Not in the least for the social contacts.

    • That's Metal 1
  15. Whew. First weekend day (Sunday) since I moved (1 April) where I really feel like I'm at my home, doing my thing, nothing URGENT to attend @ getting furniture set up or working away a pile of clothing.

     

    To be fair I have been free since Thursday because of Ascension. Have had a rhytm since 1 May when my job started.

     

    Habits get settled in after 3 weeks right?

     

    Life's pretty great. (Even though I exposed myself to some toxic people in the past weeks, I protected my boundaries without feeling bad about it or second-guessing. Huge wins.)

     

    I made a budget for the stuff I need for if I start with tennis but I won't be able to start this season.

     

    Next month I need to pay the second installment of the annulment costs I had to pay for cancelling the start of my professional education that I was going to start in March. Helluva sum. I'll get it back when I start in September but still. Suuuucks.

     

    Then there is likely a sum of municipality taxes coming up even though my former landlady said I likely owe nothing. She's sweet. Hope it's true. Or that she'll pay the sum to me 😂

     

    Then there is the fact I have an invitation to celebrate my 29th birthday with a friend that is on a kitesurfing holiday in Marocco. Which isn't too expensive!

     

    Talk about a hell of a way to make another huge memory to water down the traumatic past memories I have had.

     

    I noticed I'm slowly getting less cynical about helping folks I don't know well, too.

     

    Yesterday night when I was travelling home there was this girl who was super sick and alone from drinking.

     

    One man helped her with moral support, one woman helped her when he left and offered her to stay at her place, but she didn't want to.

     

    I helped her with moral support and water and tissues. I wanted to tell her I'd call her a cab if my stop wasn't coming up soon and that was the last train for the day.

     

    The girl was so guilt-ridden. Like the woman told her though: people are helping her because they have been in bad situations too and wished others treated them with similar kindness. That made me cry. Making me cry again right now.

     

    Gah.

     

    Anyway in other circumstances I would have been a lot more apprehensive like.  Not blaming the girl for getting drunk but simply my brain wouldn't have known what else I could do than just be there for her at the moment and maybe look for a train conductor.

     

    Now I get very active helping thoughts. Not worrying about being mothering or naive or whatever.

     

    The sun is shining.

     

    Weight is lifting off my chest step by step.

     

    2 June two friends will visit my new place. 

     

    Then I offered 15 July as a date for my housewarming to another group of friends.

     

    I'm journalling. Which is great. After either June or the housewarming I'll see how I feel about re-initiating contact with my granddad. It'll be one year after I enacted the no-contact with the family. 

     

    I'd sent him 3 emails since. One for his birthday and 2 recently. 

     

    I swear if it wasn't for my little sister I would wish them all to hell. My granddad too for enabling grandma and my mother. For not putting any money to the side for me.

     

    It's becoming more and more clear he was likely aware my mother did shady business.

     

    Anyway, we'll see.

    • Like 1
  16. Alright, it felt better to choose love not war so I sent her and her family apologies. Offered her to talk it out along with taking the train to her place, with an offer for croissants.

     

    She ended up not responding by the time I had to leave again, so I just dropped her spare keys in her mail box, told her so and left.

     

    To my feeling, I didn't go so far as dropping on my knees with my messages. just wrote like I'd write to someone who was well-intentioned without weird thinking patterns.

     

    I'm sure this will bleed out on its own when I stop messaging so I don't have to be the bad wolf. I acted the way that felt right and after this no more friendships that feel like I need to jump through 1000 hoops :)

     

    Just work on myself and see who vibes well.

    • Like 1
  17. Update time!

     

    * Meditation and giving myself & taking my time keeps going steady.

     

    * I haven't gotten around keeping my space clean let alone sports.

     

    This is likely because the kitchen is filled with cartons from my new furniture. Gives everything an overall messy feeling.

     

    I also need some sort of cabinet for under my bathroom sink. It will fill up the already small space but it's needed. Maybe it can be open so it doesn't block out as much as a solid drawer cabinet would. Hmm.

     

    * On the social front I wish everything was already solved and I had my solid circle of people around me. Magically  you know. Now that I have the prospect of not moving around all the time. With a snap of my fingers.

     

    But I need to be patient with myself. I have chosen to not pursue the standard core family structure at the moment. That gives me an additional odd factor on top of my (visibly) foreign origin, small and distantly kept family, quirks, and (though now milder) trauma responses.

     

    On 5/7/2023 at 7:45 PM, Renate said:

    My closest one is actually the least likely to continue on based on what I'm getting from her (though we need to talk to figure that out). 

     

    This was affirmed when I offered to meet up with her and her rejection was worded as "sorry  I can't I have other priorities" 😂😂

     

    This woman. God. Co-dependent relationships are such a Plato's Cave projection. How were we friends? Oh yeah. I fed her ego. When I stopped doing that her interest in me and "willingness to deal with me" ceased.

     

    Now I'm surrounding myself with people who like the most of me rather than endure it. 

     

    Leaves my former friend more energy for others too, that she prefers. Mostly her parents that she is more and more embracing fully and they are becoming 1 hive mind now that her social circle is getting smaller and materialism remains. 

     

    Going to drop the spare keys I still had in her postal box and see if I want to go for one of the many petty whatsapp messages or letters running through my mind.

     

    Although the angel on my shoulder is saying "don't! She helped you a lot despite her and her parents' motives!"

     

    The other, more petty angel on my shoulder is saying: "Athena. you communicated clearly the whole way. You had the money to go for a short stay hotel option and it was available, you had a job that would help you get more savings. They kept pushing you to and fro instead of going for just 1 line while you were the one in distress running away from an abusive man.

     

    They lied when they said you could choose if you would visit them for Christmas. They lied when they said everything was okay. They lied about their magnanimous intentions and her father got super weird when you moved further away from your friend... After her mother had exclaimed you could get married around New Year's. They did it because they felt bad about their daughter being alone in her home with just a cat.

     

    You are in your right to bite back."

    • Like 1
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