Renate

Goodday folks, So uh. Life is hectic but slowly finally calming down. I switched places of residence for the 3rd time in the past 1,5 year last month. I have a rental contract for 2 years where I am now, whew. Fitness status That does mean I'm still not there yet with deciding where I want to sign up for... Whatever sport I settle on. And I still need to take a moment to figure out how I can strength train at home easily. As I wrote this, I actually got an idea or two, which is great. I'm so glad our forum still gets maintained ❤️ I have been better and better about picking up my meditation practice. Did morning yoga nearly every morning last week. My hypermobility issues had their moments, but not terrible ones going by the fact that I could still keep on wearing heels no problem. I'm stiff as fuck but that'll work itself out, I'm feeling it already. I've been out quite a lot in the past month, which means dancing and walking. It's great. Spring is really here where I am right now. Fitness goals As for challenge goals, I'd like to keep checking in here for the healthy environment. Keep on going with my yoga practice. I want to check out the tennis lessons in the area. That'd be fun. I've had some tennis during my studies and during high school. Life goals - Learning how to: people SOOO as you may have gathered, the real matter on my mind right now is learning how to people. When my last relationship ended and I decided to go on a dating moratorium to figure my toxic patterns out, comfortable in the knowledge,... "knowledge" that my friendships ARE healthy... I found out that I'd overestimated how healthy they were haha. Not just on my side, but also on the other side with one friend, my closest one. I'd just been too busy with my family drama, my obsessive mother, to notice. My general boundary setting skills trickled over to those friendships, and in some ways I took more space because I asked friends for help, and things changed in perspective shifting ways. My closest one is actually the least likely to continue on based on what I'm getting from her (though we need to talk to figure that out). I've been working on the others. And I've been making new friends. Tangentially I've also been navigating inter colleague relationships in ways I've never done, for example at school and university. Sounds like an open door but I usually like to apply similar principles in new "sorta formal/sorta informal" situations but now. It's so different. It's all been very refreshing to navigate with my new insights, also from therapy. I went on a couple of dates that went so entirely different than what I've been used to. Learning new things about myself and what I want, who I am. All of this is great but it's also making me rather insecure about everything I thought I knew about interpersonal contact/communication :') So I'm going to go ahead and start reading articles on those things. And applying lessons that seem useful asap, see how things go. My biggest, most impactful lesson of the past 2-3 years has been allowing myself to experiment and explore freely. It's great. But if I'd said this to me of 5 years ago I don't think I would have been able to feel it. I was in survival mode. Now I still am but in different ways. So yeah. Probably going to document my journey about that here. Good times are ahead! Finances, getting stuff that is mine I've never been without stuff, really. But my things rarely felt mine because yeah. Emotionally abusive household, hurrah. I left a loooot at my parental home last year. No furniture besides two night cabinets. Safe to say I'm glad I'm not too shabby at saving. Another thing is that I'm building my wardrobe back up to where I like it. My job and desired social & exercise life requires some purchases (and my fun levels require some make-up and cosmetics now that my brain is freeing up and I'm taking care of myself the way I enjoy). All of this requires careful monitoring without straining myself so bad I spiral. Woohoo!

Jean. JEAN! Jean 👏😍 WHAT AM I READING! Please, give me a moment to let me be excessively emotional. I recommend going along with me and having a dance (flailing body parts count as dancing just fine). Another option is to cheer along until I am done or your throat is hoarse and chill, I won't mind. 🥰🥰🥰 💃💃💃 👯‍♀️👯‍♂️👯‍♀️ 🎉🎊🎉 🎊🎉🎊 ... ✨️💃🤓🕺🤓🕺🤓💃✨️!!! No idea what the last row of emojis represent but WOOOOOW! I am so fucking hyped for you. You deserve everything that will come to you. I second this & thrice sign it with my best pen and in the prettiest version of my signature. Listen. To. Your. Gut. You know what is toxic work culture. Yes everyone has quirks and perks. Your body knows what is good for you. Go there early, watch the neighbourhood, do you see yourself walking there? Something an amazing recruiter recommended and you maybe know: when you are in the waiting room observe the personnel. Do they seem stressed and rushed? How do people respond to the boss? How does the receptionist act? Is there calm or tense silence? Can you get an eye on people's screens if they are working like robots or maybe browsing FB in boredom? The environment. How is everything organized? Is there a system? I really enjoy asking 1 or two company/organisational policy questions that signal I have a vision of how the work place should be run & also check if they are open to feedback. Might be good for you too with how you like to support leadership lol. Yes I can try to hide it but it will seep out and it's part of me so best I know it is not seen as arrogant. Last but not least, great challenge, following along

Haha I am having my neighbour downstairs over to help me put together my table and chairs and it is funny to see how my brain immediately shifted / got a little perspective shift and ideas about how to organise some stuff I previously felt stuck about. I knew this would happen but fun to feel and see the result. He is a bit weird btw, bit triggering, showed interest in me in intimate ways/interpreted some things I said that way despite being 58 buuut yeh. I have taken my time and there are considerations and measures in place if something weird happens. My friends are all busy and some likely support fatigued of me 😅

1. https://www.instagram.com/reel/CpnoE-hLPLo/?igshid=ODM2MWFjZDg= "makes jokes about how she has commitment issues, so funny, haha" 😂 Jesus I am learning many things one after the other. 2. It's finally sinking in what so many things mean in... practice. "There are friends for different things." 3. Four days until pay day. I can slowly start figuring out my interior and other needs, lol. Taking in consideration I will likely get my deposit of my former place back mid-May, but the rental mediator is contractually allowed to hold it until 31 July. 🙄

5 days to pay day. https://www.instagram.com/reel/CoF71MLJmS4/?igshid=ODM2MWFjZDg= Thought of the rebels who pole dance for sports here ❣️ @Mad Hatter did you have a pole at home?

My head has been so incredibly full. I did some social things this Easter weekend to kickstart my journey towards settling in my new living area. Lots of sharing various levels of my story. What got me here. An appointment with the GP-connected therapist. Processing/mourning my old job place, colleagues. Processing, learning from my memories there. Forgiving... mistakes? Went to jog. Walking routes to get to know the neighbourhood. Dusted off my 3 photo instagram account and chocked it full with any memories I could find in my phone and laptop, so I can have something to... Show as a conversation starter in new places. If others have insta as well. I avoided social media for so long but it has a purpose right now. similarly to how I made a facebook after having none for 2 years when I started uni. To be able to join class fb groups. Went to a live music show. Bought my dream spring coat. For image purposes. Outside networking, job staple. Was talked to by the store personnel in a way that triggered memories of how personnel used to talk to my grandmother. Miscalculated when I'd get my deposit back from my old place. So I am a bit tighter than I'd like to, but it will be okay. 10 days until pay day and I have an employer that pays on the dot. Office manager + book keeper is very punctual. And so on my Odyssee goes.

Alriiight. No more going back with these Very Dutch stairs lol. Checked out at my old place. My contract here is for "max 2 years" but I might be able to stay for longer of course. Either way I can breathe. I woke up super early a bit anxious and so on, so I started making lists of all the fun things in my future (certain and possible). If I am correct, financial situation should look up very soon. Every day on my own is I day I get confidence in myself. My abilities to plan for expenses and so on. ❣️

😂 This was just in time given how bitter one of my ex-employers reacted when I shook my head fervently saying I don't have a new boyfriend in the planning at the moment. Just job and house and life.

Okay. Took quite a bit and in my bicycle bags (along with my bicycle) to my new place. Theoretically, if my friend is recovered enough from his cold to help me on Thursday, we can carry my stuff to my new place. Except my fucking ironing board lol. I considered tying it to my bicycle but fuck it. I'm going to think about it but I feel like I need to be a big girl and use that service. Damn it. 😂 Ah well.

I have muscle aches all over lol. Cleaned last weekend, moved a lot yesterday. Didn't manage to fit everything I wanted to in my friend's car☺️ I'll see how much I can lug over by public transport today. No car rental places open on Sunday haha. There is a service that could help me out but I'm not suuuper trustful of it. But if I can't move everything tomorrow I'll have to check it out 🤷‍♀️ Don't really feel confident enough to drive with the current stressors etc. Also had an Ikea run. Now I have More of my Own Things. Holy shit it's wonderful. It's... I've always said I am not about possesisons but I never realized how I never felt like ANY of my stuff was MY stuff with my family around. Had my first night in my new place. Feels absolutely blissful. Despite the neighbour(s) being talkative on a loudish volume and the TV being loud from straight early in the morning. Taking note to talk with the first floor neighbour in any case (no upper ones) And getting good-ish speakers moves up on my priority list to be able to listen to sound without straining my ears too much. (it tires your brain out to process certain quality more)

Hello. Thank you all for having me still. I'm so tired. But I keep taking steps. Funny how much energy you have in you when you believe there's more. Saturday a friend comes over to help me with moving stuff. Last leg. Getting bed frames from ikea. 2 oneperson to have, well, a huge bed ahhh, and also going to get things to be able to make them into a couch idea and to be able to sleep separately, maybe with a screen or so, when I have someone over for visit. Until I build a circle in my new living space most of my friends still live a decent amount of time away. The big question: will I finally feel safe and secure enough to get a gym membership?! lol Challenge goals are keep breathing. Keep moving and laughing. Keep bobbing and weaving the negative. Keep seeking out the people and activities that give me energy. Breaking the cycle.

New place mostly cleaned, had lunch there for the first time with a friend 😊 Took the environment in, went for groceries. Took the measurements of the walls (crevices, distances to different things) and made sketches of how the windows and such are distributed on the walls. Going to be imagining interior ideas the coming weeks. Program for later on tonight. Late dinner, wash my hair, go to sleep. What were my challenge goals again? 😅 Ah it'll be okay. 😌

The one from Tuesday asked for a reference 👀 They seem cool. https://youtu.be/fs6rjGfPaXg

Tomorrow an interview and Monday another one 👏 Wish me luck. Both for my performance and for the people to match with me.

Fuck's sake. I was bracing myself just to be sure, that they'd annul my contract. And today they asked me to come to their room. AND THEY OFFERED ME PAID LEAVE INSTEAD to be able to apply at my leisure and for them to not worry about my travel shenanigans. Less pay but also less travel costs. and yadda yadda I am considering if I want to stick around for the extra work experience yadda yadda BUT THE POINT IS MY HEART STOPPED THERE FOR A MOMENT AAARRGHHH And my body is still recovering from that wave of anxietyyyy fuuuuckkkk fucking relief. Ugh.

My body is protesting. Is the food I fed it these past couple of nights too spicy (for my current constitution)? Too fatty? Is it the stress and poor sleep the past nights? I will figure it out. One foot in front of the other.

It's not about eating less than my body needs! It's about saving time and money by indeed, looking for alternatives and not having to think about and buy lunch and breakfast options that may go bad. But thank you 🙏

Well, folks! I found a new living space. Quite a bit away, though, so I'll have a bunch of travel until I find a new job. (Which shouldn't be a problem given my location!) But I feel this is the Right path for me. I ask confirmation still, here and there, with trusted friends, but I don't care about what anyone (else) thinks. My employers know now that I'm going there right now. I can't think about what my colleagues think of my decision right now. I'm enforcing rest to myself right now. The following weeks need to be very energy-cost-efficient.

Okaaay. Going to be balancing the monthly expenses scale very precariously this month but we will manage. I remember how my first ex (lives in America) used to save money by having one meal a day. Which is why he laughed when he read about intermittent fasting 😂 (At the same time he was working out and so on, got fit.) Will have to read more but also start drinking water again. 🤭 My water intake is not terrible but also not... great. Maybe one big meal and fruit and veggies as breakfast and fruit. Funny how I want to snack less when I am fighting under my own flag 🤔 Let's see how this goes.

Ahaaaa ✅️😎 Noted! I read about your Italy trip! ❣️ Sounds like a much needed break 🥰

Take care ❣️ Not making little of your worries, just offering a sentence to help with shaking the worries off: It is what it is. C'est la vie. You care, you do your best. You are enough as you are.

❣️ I have found the same goes your personal life. Show empathy, breathe & center when you haven't gotten to others. Those that know your story, know. Those that mind don't matter and vice versa. If you are seeking connection, that is another matter. Going on a hunch here, projecting a little. Reach out and ask for connection. Don't reach out under the flag of "I am doing it for them, to make them feel better if they felt bad about my silence": explaining why you have been gone. Because you feel like you cannot ask for anything for yourself after making everyone wait. No. You stand up for your needs against that critiquey voice and tell it: "I have chosen to keep friend X mindfully. They understand me, I don't need to explain, I don't need to justify. I know this. I am contacting them because I need to feel connected! I have little connection at work, and no matter how introverted I am, I need it too!" Put down some of the crosses that you don't need to carry anymore. ⭐️

Hmm... Also support! Over time I just learnt it's okay to just sit in my chair or in an L-shape against the wall 😊 Oh, and having to sit still. Sometimes it feels right to make myself be nearly perfectly still, sometimes I allow myself to just move around while noting what is bothering me. ❣️

How to be immune to narcissism / how to stop rumination... The second video reminds me of a quote: "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes." - Quote Investigator And to be added (paraphrased from the video): if you don't heal from the assholery before diving back into contacts, you're more likely to be surrounded by an asshole or more after... Patterns repeating. When I have more budget per month I'm going to join her group/material. Because I somehow doubt I'll stay in the area I am in right now. A lot less opportunities to meet people my age to befriend than I had hoped, and the real estate department in the firm remains slow. So I won't be able to travel to my therapist and they treat locals within a certain radius... Soooo... Until I know where I'll settle, it doesn't make sense to keep contacting location-bound professionals. I'd put Tinder on my phone for busy-therapy/people watching in the beginning when I left my ex (or that's what I told myself). Left it because I saw there is a "looking for: friends" function. And one-on-one contact is easier spoons-wise for me. But nobody looks at that, haha, it turns out. Maybe I'll check meetup.com at one point which is for group meetups! Anyway... 🏃‍♀️ I walked today and jogged for a little bit! 🏡 My house is almost clean the way I wanted to clean/tidy it this weekend! But I might leave putting the carton/paper away + vacuuming for throughout the week... Want to react to more living spaces right now. ❤️ Got some more realizations about which toxic patterns & thoughts I have about relationships, men and women and so on. While walking. Such a good weekend.

A song from the album that helped me ground in the first months of being away from my mother ✨️ Know 'em via J-A (my last ex) and glad I have no unpleasant associations because of this reason. 😊 It helped me clean this morning and afternoon 👏