Renate

😂 So, wine is pretty standard to drink for lawyers + law students, especially in the South of the Netherlands, during "afternoon drinks" and with dinner. Yesterday evening I said I was having wine to someone outside of the field, also joking about vampirism because of my insomnia, and they said "huh, wine? i thought that is a housewife thing." Hahaha oh guys. I finally managed to set an intention to have a mostly light-hearted day and follow through on it after a few hard emotional hits Thursday and yesterday. Went out and had sushi with a friend. Was going to put a stand-up comedy show on when I came home but I think I might... actually feel sleepy? ❣️ The house almost looks in order. ✨️ Tomorrow: throw old paper out, vacuum, spray and wipe down the bathroom. Meal prep. In order of priority household task-wise. Very important that I didn't do today: Write a motivational letter doc with text blocks for different firms, send 4 out. Get ready the docs for the application to 2 academic positions to be sent after I ask about the housing... Think of whether the people I know in my alma maters are post-docs and think hard if I want to use their time after I already vented to them when I'd just left my mother, and chose not to apply to a position 1 told me she will be interviewing folks for because she is leaving the uni. She told me before she put it online and advised me on how it is more difficult according to her to go from regular job to academia than back. If I have to gauge her I think she... Won't mind if I re-connect but only after I have my shit perfectly in order and come with a good narrative, just like I surprised her with a perfect master thesis after she was super sceptical about my topic. Okaaaay.

Check! Thanks.

Yeah I'm discussing it with someone currently doing a PhD right now. I've some ideas. I also saw one PhD position that I don't need to be creative about because it's something already as an assignment. Oh. I forgot to call the university about the accommodation. Anyway, the politics don't scare me away anymore. My family prepped me plenty to be their little poster child, and I have always been analytical and observant with people skills when I don't feel like shit soooo. We'll see how this goes. Yes ❤️ I am. I can do anything I set my mind to.

This video confirmed something already going on in my mind. Another support for me against self-gaslighting myself. I had this thought recently, reflecting on the so-called "dopamine filter" that's very relevant for anyone. But especially for me. You see, everyone needs dopamine to function. Everyone. And everyone can encounter reasons that lower the amount of dopamine in their brain. Makes you more reactionary. Less consciously acting. Fear. Anxiety. Sadness. Depression. AD(H)D. The menstrual cycle: a woman with few PMS symptoms, and without anxiety and depression and with a safe living and working environment won't notice her period too much. But when you already have other things that lower your dopamine levels, you'll noticeably be "less yourself" when your hormonal levels fluctuate in such a way that you have a dip in your dopamine level. And then add a neurotic character. And then add a narcissist or someone with narcissist fleas. Who makes you question yourself, expend energy, your gut feeling noticing something is off, your nervous system spiking. Hot damn, the first time I WASN'T RUMINATING EVEN A LITTLE around 2018... Holy shit. I'd never felt a calm like that. In my whole damn life, not even as a kid. Crazy how much your body can get used to. No fucking wonder I was sick often, stress lowers the immune system. ❤️

Step by step. Out of the F.O.G. Towards stability. Everything beyond substance abuse, shopaholicism and being in an abusive relationship paired with workoholicism = me breaking the cycle of my family history. ❣️

I just looked at the salary minimums. Need to call to ask if PhD candidates are helped with cheap accommodation otherwise "going for broke" right now means first: Applying for government jobs for stability. Lol. Still suits me if I find some position with a societal purpose. ❣️

Last challenge I said: if the place that wants a second interview doesn't work out, I'm going for broke on the academic career path. It didn't. And multiple people including colleagues asked "are you going to stay in this field?" and I said well I want to give it at least one good ol' try. but inside I knew I am ready to take the jump. Let's. Fucking. Go. After the thing that scares me most.

In great but sad news in Athena's life. My talk with the therapist yesterday we formulated goals for the therapy. What future do I see for myself that therapy will allow me to pursue and so on? And an obvious one was: I want to see my personality, who I am. Not be second-guessing all the time when I am not pushing myself to put my brain on 0 and be decisive because that is the only way to survive right now. And we dug deeper and my fucking therapy session led that what I see for myself, if I don't have all the obstacles I have within me atm, I will have: A place where I start settling. A circle of people nearby that feel trustworthy/safe. And I had to cry because I WAS pursuing this stuff rationally but in private emotional me time during therapy it was NOT the first thing on my mind. I am so used to... Seeing myself and my emotional world up in the air, separate from my surroundings. Huh.

The above song made me think of:

It is a change from the usual 🙏 Get out of that rut no matter how!

And today is a blegh day again. 🥲 Recovery is not a linear process.

Oh, fuck. Sorry to hear, Scaley. You will rise again, you brilliant woman.

Getting sick from covid and being tired and sniffly for more than a week stunted my progress (I WAS KEEPING UP WITH DISHES INSTEAD OF ONLY WASHING THE MOST DIRTY STUFF YAY) but oh hello. 2 days in a row feeling like I am getting my pre-pandemic brain back. Without much pain leaving my phone in the drawer. without too much pain starting to move towards bed around 10 pm. Winding down still doesn't work great but doesn't matter. I am fucking starting to feel the burn-out resistence slowly lifting from my chest and shoulders and it's great. My life was a shit storm starting from my mother's belly. I will still have my adhd always. I will still have my traumabackpack. But those things... I will carry them with a smile. LET IT BE SO that that is the only stuff I need to carry. uugghhh. Drew boundaries with someone I had a date or 2 with. I am looking for friendship but there were vibes and I still have some left-over bullshit of flirting as an escapism even if I rationally know I am not ready for intimacy yet. but I drew them. Gracefully gave myself some time to process. Focused on the basics. Give my body and brain breaks even if it is just a minute at a time. Food. taking care of my appearance a little. stretching in the morning. Water. Slowly raising my dopamine filter. Better at drawing boundaries with friends too. And not feeling like I am a burden. Trust needs to be earned. I am allowed to observe. And take steps even if I don't know everything yet. Progressive insight. I am the queen of my castle. ❣️

Not really a song but:

👀 It looks nommy. Don't mind me enjoying the little things. It is not me setting my bar low 😋

Thank you! 😊 Likewise and good to be here!

Ahhh yeah. I have been doing my best ☆ Kind of sucks I finally had the guts to stand on my own two feet when absolutely everything got three times more expensive but... There is no time like now, in the end. 🤷‍♀️ Thank you for elaborating!

This noon, the friend that had a meltdown around New Year's but then started imposing boundaries with his invasive family members, messaged me with:

No over hours in my profession 😕 Standard. Considering a different field (besides academia, which also doesn't pay over-hours) is difficult. Oh. Lol. Maybe I can work a side in the weekend but I am of course contractually obligates to tell my employer. Which will raise red flags.

It allows me to let the dust settle. It gives me space to hear what is noise, and what is what my inner voice is telling me. What feels right.

Oohhh I remember the last time we got photos. This is going to be awesome. ✨️ No excessive pressure. 👏 Just the right amount, druid 👏 Take care 😊

Jesus. I seem to have been eating more while I was sick? Life's expensive. Makes my "regret" pop up that I didn't go for the cheaper living space when I could in the same city I am in right now. But it was amazing living there, it was so peaceful and with pleasant neighbours. I wouldn't have had that there, was my feeling. So I guess you can count that as part of my "therapy" expenses. If I would have gone for online therapy because I felt isolated there or something. That was about the difference in rent. Just suffering through and saving wouldn't have been an option. Plus I can't turn the clock back soooo