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Renate

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Everything posted by Renate

  1. Some tension release 💃 At home, to get it out of me as tomorrow I shall be in Civil Society again. In reality I really do prefer civility but some people really misuse the fact that I cannot smack them out of their idiocy. (Literally. I am aware that violence doesn't help. It only makes people hide better.)
  2. Win! Did 10 military push-ups when I brushed my teeth. Showing up works. That's what I tell myself, anyway. In other news, I'm so proud of how much I've matured over the years. And within the past months.
  3. How can I say this... I'd give an intro as to how I came to like Ashnikko, but honestly I rather post her unapologetically: Context, TW: abuse
  4. What is starting to form in my mind, to feel right, is to post music. That's one of the ways I found center in the storm, way back when. I'll try to do so every day, for structure's sake. See if that works. Feel first, think second, decide if I want to do something with these thoughts and feelings third, fourth: sit, stand, crawl, walk, or act in general. Dear fellow nerds, feel free to post things that have gotten you through shit. Regardless of genre ❤️
  5. Right-o. This is a challenge during which I am full on going to channel the science of breath. However, the flu knocked me down on Wednesday afternoon. So what my exact plan is is still floating in the air. I had started doing random exercises to get rid of tension at home, along with dancing. Pretty weird slowly seeing glimpses of who I am. Who I was becoming at around 17-18 coming back to me. Pre-pandemic me. 6-7 year old me. I will piece myself together ❣️
  6. I am genuinely excited to see this place but if it doesn't work out... I am going for broke on a different career path that might be even more suited for me.
  7. One of four interviews of this week wants a second interview with me yaaay!
  8. Guys, the lengthening of my contract not feeling sure anymore made me realize I'm finally completely out of the "looking around me for long-term romantical potential options" phase. I have interviews lined up. Final push I needed. Also,I need to kick my own ass and pick my meditation practice up. My ADHD meds alone aren't enough to give me the next boost I need in order to get where I need to be. I wish workoholicism was my escapism. Kinda jealous of people who become exceptional at their jobs when life is hard, lol. Or people that get obsessive about cleaning as a first escapist mechanism. I know how me NOT doing that has benefitted me, but still. Hey! I'm allowing myself to feel envy/jealousy. Progress. Besides anger, that was also an emotion I "never had", actually I never let myself feel it. AAANYWHO. that's fine though. The envy may exist. I am who I am. And I love what I do, and I'll get myself to a place I can do what I love to do. One step at a time.
  9. thank you for sharing anyway. I didn't need it but re-affirming something I didn't do most of my life won't hurt The song resonated! Your musical taste really isn't something I'd come across on my own, with some exceptions. So fun to see you share
  10. On the one hand I feel like I might be responsibility avoiding. On the other hand I'm making up for years worth of putting absolutely all responsibility for my struggles on myself. I have the responsibility that is mine in the back of my mind but I don't want to mention it as I'm writing like this. I need to even the scales and THEN I can go towards a nuanced way of writing and sharing about my life stuff.
  11. God I'm so angry. My concentration still isn't what I need it to be. If my mom wasn't an abuser herself, I'd say "I wish she could see her mom/parents are the reason she keeps falling for shitty men" That's fine and all. To go for those non-consensual abuse cycles. But why couldn't she keep her fucking self-control TOWARDS ME?! Why was she thinking about what my grandparents would say about her behavior, not what it was doing to me? Instead, blaming the kids at school for understandably either avoiding me or attempting to bully me? She would of course refuse to see me as someone who could hurt kids and make them lash back at me. Just like some men NEED to see women as weak, and themselves as the Protector, no matter what. Well, unless it was towards her. In those situations she'd tell me all about how I made her act like shit towards me. FUCK. Fuckity fuck fuck. The Universe loves me and wants me to be happy. (Ow, that one made me cry.) I'll land on my feet. I'm looking for a less toxic work environment. Had 2 interviews yesterday. 4 on Thursday. Let's smack my bitch up. 🌻
  12. Okaaay. Still not exercising though I got my bike repaired. (It was sorely in need of repairing, and got a flat tire. Only now I realize how smooth my old tires were 😂) The biking to and from work does me a lot of good oof 👏 It is light when I go home after work nowadays and that rocks. Some rocking of the boat on career level is in the going on. House search is looking up though it is annoying to hear people ask "oh are you buying?" 😂😂 Sorry guys, no boyfriend, no parents who saved money for me like I am going to do for my sis. Ah well. Step by step.
  13. Hell yeah! ----------------- Friends, making the choice to be alone and filter your environment is tough. You learn that you've always been mostly on your own but you don't have the "benefit of the pack" anymore. But what's worse is the pity that can creep up in some people's tone. Especially those that you suspect choose to let others influence them with their toxic stuff under the nomer "ah they are your family". I had put that likelihood in my bag with possibilities when I decided to pack up and leave, and cut off contact with my family... but it's still unsettling. It's important to not blame those people, nor get sad or angry or whatever emotions creep up. What they think or do is not about me. Let them convince themselves that the peace that I say I am feeling is only "to put a tough act up" rather than genuine enjoyment of being alone. I choose empathy for their human experience. Of needing to fit everything into their realm of possibilities. I will not let their mere views of me threaten me. I'll protect myself as needed, and as proportionately as possible.
  14. Yeah it sucks. I ruminated over it a little more yesterday. It probably hadn't sunk in yet the first time around. Maybe it is for the best. We talked a LOT. Maybe I need even more silence. I was already taking it but you know. Somehow it's been difficult to pick pen and paper up but I decided it's fine to just talk out loud & record my journally thoughts. Listen back when I have the energy or delete them for cathartic purposes. Better than keeping them inside.
  15. Well, I started off 2023 by losing a good friend. On the fence if I should still call them that. I'll allow myself to not make big conclusions yet, but going to formulate a clear framework if I've understood correctly and they are planning to contact me again some time in the future. Why can't I simply be one of those folks that stay their whole lives in one village, marry there, see their kids grow up and get buried or cremated there? All friends in one place, same topics every day, nothing crazy happening. It's too late for me to become that but my parent never even gave me a chance I'd be able to emotionally "handle" that kind of environment. Pfff. All I can hope for is to gain and maintain enough equanimity to chase exciting times that are not toxic. Meds or no meds. Building my fort one brick stone at a time. Letting in people and having meaningful experiences depending on the trust I feel with them. Can't go wrong that way. Anyway. That was a pretty big blow, even though my brain is taking it pretty well. No cycles of overthinking. Kept myself busy until I was ready to fall asleep last night. I'm going to attempt to do the warm-up some time after work. That friend and I talked a lot before just 3-4 days ago, which was fun, and felt Right, and now this feels Right.
  16. I went over all of the warm-up exercises with my physiotherapist, so it's time to work them into my routine somewhere. I'm enjoying the content of my job, but it's a bit of a mental warfare there socially. Part of me wonders if the reason why I'm not starting to look for job openings is because it's giving me the hits I need while I'm detoxing from my familial abuse cycles. And, just like that, by writing it out, I realize: asking the question is answering it. Alright. I guess I'll start looking to create mental space to start browsing vacancies.
  17. It's quite interesting how the reactions of small-town folk to an "foreigner" who speaks nearly perfect Dutch with a pretty "weighty" vocabulary & wears fancy-ish clothes range from enthusiastic to reserved and confused. It reminds me of my ex-stepfather's family who had a lot of trouble computing that their usual scripts to foreigner's didn't apply once I learnt Dutch within 6 months of living here & started helping my parent with it. Or my parent's friend who started talking his usual scripts about women ("I read this book about women's brains being inferior") and then trailing off when he looked me in the eye. Degrees =/= intelligence, and I do not feel "better" about my clothing. It's just satisfying to see people who do use those things to make others feel inferior be confused about how to act when they do not have that ammo.
  18. Meditating every day has been going well, TRYING different meditations not so much. Going to tackle the health insurance today. I'd made a choice but there was some BS around my new phone number and 2FA that I'd already set up with it. Phone membership to-do is done. I think. We'll see. I've been moving with my bike but I got a flat tire on Wednesday. Need to pass by the bike repair shop
  19. Singing this "to myself" today. Never going to let you go, even when it's easy. I've been given all the tools in the world to convince myself my needs are not important while playing the role of the Strong Woman. Fuck thaaaat. If you think I'll let you go [again], you must. Be. Crazy!
  20. I've been getting real closely acquainted both with the digital and real life *block* buttons and I've got to say. It's been really good for my inner peace. & I'm pretty proud of the fact that it turns out, I don't need to expose myself to extremist views on any side of any spectrum in order for my surroundings to not turn into an echo chamber. ❤️
  21. This is @ the public mental health care provider btw. This is a different place. We called. They sound good. Just need to figure out what my new insurance will cover, if anything, and decide if I want to ask my employer (and take a hit in my future salary negotiation) or pay myself (and use savings that I need for the future place deposit + anything that might need money because I lost or broke or didn't consider something in the midst of the moving + start of my vocational education) C.A.S.H. (but making contacts with caring people who are good at helping AND taking care of their own and other people's boundaries also matters!)
  22. Ugly crying. My "main" boss had a story for a pair of clients today about how we do the area of expertise that we do, and that we enjoy it best, and you are usually also better at what you enjoy. And it made me hear echoes of both the soft and hard skills and knowledge and quick thinking I had built up by simply fucking spending less time with my mother. During the time that the bitch told me "we'd gotten distant", likely because she wasn't getting the trauma bonding she craves and needs and gets energy from to feel close to someone, that's what she got daily with her parents right? FFS. There's absolutely no fucking use in ruminating over the time I spent with her. But I am. I couldn't stop thinking for the last 2 hours of work. And this was AFTER my call with my mental health care "manager" when I told her my anxiety symptoms had simmered down. I guess I didn't lie, this is more distressed somberness than anxiety. OH it was lined with anxiety if I'll manage to finish my work. At 4 PM I messaged this website that works with employers to provide easy access to mental health care. Will call with them tomorrow morning. I'm still on the waiting list now in December, and I was hoping to get a call late October/early November. I need help for my career. I need help to deal with the triggers of my colleague. To keep my income so I can stay on the path to getting on my own two feet. TW: mention of suicide (though I'm not suicidal) & SA Okay. I think I... vented. There's no sense in analyzing that pile of BS. Hope the call with the mental health place will lead to something.
  23. Yeah. It wassss! I had a giggle. NSFW & coping humor: Yes, actually! That made me so happy. The link: Maybe this meditation stopped working for me after being effective pretty consistently for 3 years, because... I was trying to put out a forest fire with a watering can. Who knows. But I'm not ceasing the experiment. It will be fun to try a guided visualisation one tonight. Not sure what type yet. Beach? Forest? Who knows. **** I felt FLY today. The firm is renewing the website & I picked my fanciest outfit. Unfortunately the shoes that went well with this dress turned out to have felt the passed time more than I thought they had. But they lasted me long enough until I felt it was cool to change to my handy dandy block heel platform ones.
  24. Oh my. Giving so many thanks to my past self for getting that multicooker. Waking up to the smell of cooked steelcut oats (on a wintery day) was amazing ❤️ Wonder what other kinds of breakfasts I can put in it.
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