Renate

hi bean - it's been a while - life's crazy - know that you've been on my mind slowly trying to support more fellow nerds without using my lovely folks for escapism from my own problems. you inspired poetry in me. 😛 thank you. keep fighting the good fight, i.e. the one for bean. you keep waking up every day. getting up most if not all days. that's already so much. you give yourself the opportunity: to see the climbing wall from a different angle. ❤️

Tralala. Ammended one goal to suit better what I'm already doing for future snowball effect! Goodmorning everybody!

Main Objectives: Save money Prevent costs by investing in durable conveniency Make my nest Hone my Craft (job) Main goals: Breathe Keep finding joy in the struggle Don't worry about the rest The rest: No 2 consecutive evenings without doing some dishes Yoga before bed Give body physical rest starting 11PM

Joy in the struggle: the time came that I really should get another GP, and I have so many things on my todolist that NEED TO HAPPEN, but I welcome this challenge. I welcome all these responsibilities. Gimme all of them, and give me freedom.

TW: talk of suicide Life is beautiful. The Universe loves me and wants me to be happy.

Ahhh. I am getting It back. My self-driven proneness to seek laughter and spread it. Not as a means to survive and scrape by but as a result of climbing up a mountain I did not feel ready for before. My chest feels spacious. I am making space for Me.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CjqxeRwslft/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y= Love. 🤣🤙

I understand. I just empathized a little too much about your frustrations at work, since I had to cut that part of me short as my position at my job isn't of any caliber where I can realistically have an influence on the problems people are making amongst themselves. I will likely yearn for it at some point in life, though. Go forth and conquer.

Dear Jean. Maybe you are not needy but this seems like you do have problems. You just look away from them by escaping into solving other people's problems. Not speaking from experience at all, no, not me. ❣️ (Yes this was me & isn't me anymore but god it is hurting my insides and crunching them and taking them apart since I have gotten myself in a place to ask for the kinds of help I need. I am capitalising on every bit of it to get abovewater. But it still hurts.) Take care of my friend please. ✨️ (But it's okay not to be okay & not be able to see a life away from this.)

Thank you much! Thanks! I'm getting it. ❤️ *** GUUUUYS. I just stir-fryed bok choy - or whatever I could save from it after I left it in the fridge too long - with two whole cloves of garlic. Then I added chilibeans. Basmati rice I cooked. And. It was SO GOOD. Ahhh. I loved iiiittttt. My taste buds and tummy are very, very happy.

I know, I know, that her and your best bet is to keep your head down low & only aikido your way through this. But oh oh oh what entertaining things could be done with this when she is close to being of legal age, and her financial and legal situations close to being separated from them. And even then, it wouldn't be wise to do so. Yet my brain is calculating and my hands are itching. Probably to keep my mind off of the same reasons why you are praying for Vivian. I shall keep her in my thoughts as well. This all sounds so good. Thank you for the food ideas. I have stocked up on very similar foods & it's absolutely great they're all so long-lasting. When I set upon the path of the Second Big and Long Overdue Storm of this year, I knew my groceries list needed to consist of exactly that. Nutritious and long-lasting goods. The variety needs to be in the spices and herbs. Top up on fresh veggies that also last long and are easy to eat (and tasty) I like! Good luck on the interior re-adjusting. I looove those little tables. I keep forgetting their name. I call them Matrioshka tables 😌

OH MY GOODNESS a friend of mine is so grumpy. She has covid symptoms, is probably exhausted after lots of scares with her cat, a gone-wrong-attempt at seeing if Dating was for her, and then as a cherry on top exhausted from helping me through my madness. She had to change and cancel plans. And anything I say for connection or cheering up gets shot down in some way. But. It feels nice. That I seem to be healing and am largely healed from the anxiety that I will lose someone if I don't either please or "stand up for myself overtly". It just is. She's having a moment. I keep reaching out gently. She is self-aware. She cares for me too. It'll be okay. I'm thankful for my younger self for being daring enough to gather contacts and friends over the last years, in whatever way she could. Then the pandemic was the cleanse of realizing I should stop contacting people who don't ever take the initiative of contacting me back. The goals are going pretty alright for the rest. It's good to have them as pointers. I have lots of feelings of the type that really need exercise/weights/SOMETHING to get out but I'm managing through meditation and pillow punching in the mean time.

Welp, that was a week filled with anxiety/trauma triggers again. Mostly recovered. Most of the dishes done. A lot of other thing done too. I'm content about my work, but there's so much more to get the household and everything in order. But it'll be okay. It's not supposed to be easy, this life of mine. But when I recover, I'll be so solid. Went to a convention yesterday, might already have some proof to show to my firm that I enjoy networking, that I'm good at it and that it's useful 😌

So. Dishes goal ❌️ today for the first time this challenge. Not bad. I'm also giving myself slack for leaving them a third night in a row. I changed the soaking water this morning lol. That's something.

I just had an ugly cry. Long-overdue since my last one(s) shortly after I moved away from my mother. I had two appointments yesterday. One intake with someone that might offer me talks to bridge over the gap until it's my turn for trauma help. (I might need to invest in online therapy btw. Will put a dent in my saving plan but at least I'll always have a fall-back.) One which was the second part of a so-called EDIT research. I've had two researches in preparation of my eventual therapy for traumas and the like. One for personality disorders. One EDIT: early detection and intervention team. Checking the risk factors of people under 36 for chances to develop psychoses etc. The personality disorder researcher is waiting with her conclusion for the conclusions of the EDIT researcher. I've been learning to just say what I think/feel right away instead of doubting 21453 times and helicopter analyzing myself. I've been learning to filter the anxious thoughts fueled by my mother's convictions that all mental health professionals have an agenda to help the government syphon money from vulnerable people. I am in control of my health care at all times. My mother is projecting because she uses illnesses in order to gaslight people herself. Folks. Something I was worried about because of my mother and grandmother's mental health. I have very very low chances on developing psychoses when I'm older, if I keep up the way I filter my thoughts. ❤️ I am very capable of recognizing and removing myself from words and thoughts that (try to) make me doubt my reality, whether maliciously or merely in self-defense. I might get 1 or 2 sessions to give me psycho-education and instruments on how to manage the 1 risk factor I might have, if the researcher determines it really is a risk factor after discussing it with her team. I am immensely grateful to my younger self for removing me from mindfucking family, friendship, and relationship situations. For keeping journals. For remaining scientifically open, but giving myself objective tools to help with reality checks. For asking for reality checks and DARING to be honest to people by giving them a picture that is objective as possible, even if it might or does make me look like/the conclusion might be that I am the asshole. ❤️

I reread this this morning and this made me cry. Heidi. You are loved. You are cared for. I believe you. The thoughts that come through your logic filter (notably, not the the self-doubt filter) are not exaggerated. You are strong. Your daughter will heal. The cycle will be broken. ❤️

Had difficulty going to sleep last night and getting up this morning. Feel woozy and have the slightest difficulty balancing. Fun. I decided to do a few dishes. Started breakfast too late. Likely will be a bit late at work. What will we do today, kids? Ask ourselves at all times: "What is my goal right now? What am I doing and why?" I allow myself to breathe. This is like pushing through a difficult set of weights. It will not last forever.

On types of rest: https://go.zerofasting.com/s/XT7YZrDQeBGZwYF29 https://goop.com/wellness/mindfulness/7-types-of-rest/

Today is one big anxiety day again. I don't quite understand why. Perhaps because I didn't keep the promise to myself to fold my laundry. TW: Physical assault Yeah. One month isn't a long time. I need to be patient. One day at a time. Enjoy the good things. Breathe. Eat. Sleep. It will be okay.

It's a bit simplistic and naive but I intend on just grabbing on to little joys and smiling, when I have privacy singing and dancing and such. The other mentality thing is, rooted in pretty intense background lore. Thus I will take moments to enjoy that all this struggle is the process of figuring out what lies under the onion layers of self-doubt 😊 I know I am a wonderful person (with both lightness and darkness). I am going to enjoy getting to know her, finally. It is! I try to look around and smell the flowers. Sometimes when I find that difficult to do figuratively I do it literally 😂 (Thank goodness for people that take care of flowers in their front yard.) My physiotherapist advised having an overarching skill goal to focus on to build your fitness workouts around. Like handstands. I wonder if he knows nerd fitness haha.

Welcome, dear folks, to a reboot. I made a topic earlier this challenge but I find myself needing a new one. I won't make it a habit. The challenge goals, which were not formulated yet, are as follows: - Drink at least 1,5 liter of water + tea - Find the fun in the struggle - Show up (don't worry about the rest) The rest: - Take mini-meditations during work time (keep my job while in chaos) - Take a walk during lunch time - Journal and write down what I feel and what I want every evening - Don't leave dirty dishes for more than two evenings in a row

💗 It will be okay. - I tell myself, as I read about your daughters inner contradictions and feel an intense amount of empathy while remembering mine. Also, I really wanted to treat myself to a milkshake soon but I'll have to settle for the super duper good deal for Ben&Jerry's deal I ordered for Wednsday. I'll reopen your thread then and enjoy it while dreaming of a chocolate mint milkshake.

Actually, I think I know. I just feel discouraged. But it's okay. I am focusing on how I finished a goals I had since a teen: - to get out of my parental home before 30. (Thanks mom for making it unbearable for me to stay because of sororal duty.) - to have my income - to not seek stability in a partner but stay on the path learn to provide it for myself - to trust people despite the world pushing us towards distrust 💗

I always thought I could do it: showing weakness and vulnerability (early on) and ending up with someone who will not use every thing to insert themselves as a commentator and helper when I don't want it. But it is what it is. Emotionally it is the primal brain gets triggered and you need quite the mental filtering system to combat those type of urges. I get it. Ah well. The experiment was a good run. 🙏