Lillymoon

Im trying to eat every three hours, best as I can, but my biggest problem is eating in the morning. I seem to throw up anything I eat in the mornings, and have to wait several hours until my stomach settles enough for me to munch down even a yogurt. Even as a type this, Ive been up since 430 (couldnt sleep), its now 720, and Im still feeling nauseous. Once I can eat, I do try to have *something* every few hours, no matter how small, but they *are* small. Im starting to wonder if this isnt something I should see my dr about.

I measure everything - always have. Im very careful about portion control, so its never been a problem. My problem is that I just *cant* seem to eat.

Im just not hungry. I know Im not eating enough - I average about 1000 calories a day. But Im just not hungry. I have a breakfast - yogurt, nuts, fruit, protien drink. If I work out in a day, I have a protien bar after that. I have some dinner - usually salad, nut s meat, or veggies and meat - Ive added sweet potatoes when I remember to buy them. But at the end of the day, Im so full I can barely move. Yesterday I had a couple eggnog cookies, just to ramp up the calories, and I was almost sick from them. Just couldnt eat any more. Im trying to add in a bowl of oatmeal to my day - raisons, nuts, milk - but most days I never seem to find the time, or the hunger to bother. Im not afriad of gaining - Ive been working out as hard as I can for almost 3 months now, and Ive lost 5 pounds. Thats it. Ive seen almost no changes, and its frustrating as hell, and I think alot of it is that Im not eating enough. My body is simply storing everything. Its pissing me off, but I dont know what to do about it.

Been calorie counting, and coming up around 1000 calories each day. This, obviously, is not enough. How do I add more calorie heavy healthy stuff?

So, still doing body weight workout #1. I can do five strict push-ups. But today I lvl'd up - I managed to do 5/10 getups, without using my hands. Im so damn proud of myself. Also, I found a website I think Im going to use to keep track of my diet. FatSecret seems to have the best database so far, although Im having some trouble adding new things to it at the moment. Got myself some protein powder too. Since Im having trouble making calorie count, protein lvls, so on. It should help. When I can do ten of everything, than Ill add the second set. Maybe a few more weeks now. Its the pushups that are going to give me trouble, obviously. But Im going to keep working on it.

1) Im doing the jumps because I *want* to. 2) Im doing the jumps because in Ranger Training, it was the first quest listed there. 3) It amused me to see how I could do on those. I do a great deal of working out "just to see if I can do it" Its how I learn that I like doing some things, and not others. Its how I expand my horizons. My only "goal" as *you* would probably see it, is to be healthy. Its not specific, its not targeted. I do that, and Ive *instantly* set myself up to get frustrated, and lose interest. For me, and I know myself very well - I do best keeping a steady presence at the gym if theres always a new thing to try - *if*I*want*to*. If I dont, than I dont have to - if I do - than I can try jumping one week, deadlifts the next... whatever amuses me. Over time, I get better at it all, but its a slower progress that doesnt stress me out. My workouts, my way.

First day of bodyweight 1A - hoooly *fuck* did that kick my ass. 10 push ups. - I did 5 strict push ups - than 5 on my knees. Im getting there. Just realized I forgot the squats entirely, and just did 10 beginner squat thrusts instead - badly, but I did do them. Next time, prisoner squats... 15 sec plank is getting easy, might go up to 20. So - beginner squat thrusts instead of jumping jacks - did ten, thought I died. Also tried jump rope today - wow, did that make me feel both stupid, and out of shape. managed 20 jumps, slow. Deadlifted 90 pounds, 5 times. going to get to ten times before I try for 100. Workouts all over the place, but - its my first go - it will get better and cleaner. Ill try B on Friday and see how I do. Might start the squats on B Days - see if I can do half my body weight. work up to half my body weight, at least.

Been a while since Ive posted here, but - I havent given up, I havent stopped. Ive dropped 10 pounds, and Ive *finally* completed the recruit workout! Im so proud of myself. Im logging my meals in my diary, its just easier, but as soon as I start a "real" bodyweight workout, than Ill start posting those here I think. Staying with the recruit just till monday - finish out the month, and make sure Ive conquered that beast!

So - how high is a lateral jump to be considered a box jump? Im jumping about 12 inches at this point, - does that count to complete my 10 box jumps mission, or does it need to be higher? I find the lack of specifics very frustrating sometimes.

The only reason why Im getting off my ass today and continuing is my kids. I feel like this whole week has been a total wash out, but - Everytime I tell my kids Im going to the gym they cheer. They ask me everyday if Ive gone, and if I have, I get hugs. For that, I'll keep trying, keep fighting. After all, The thing that really made me decide to get back into shape was the trip I took with them this summer - and I couldnt climb with them. It was terrible, how hard it was to keep up with them. Id never felt so weak. This year, if we go to the Rockies, like I hope - Im going to be able to climb with them. I just have to.

OK, so I havent gotten to the gym, but - despite the cookies I made last night (Honey Oatmeal Chocolate Chip) My diet hasnt been too bad this week. I havent logged it all here, but I have been keeping a complete diary in my paper journal. Its easier. I dont always yet think of coming here to write, and also - it would mean alot more posts, which I find cumbersome. Going to gym tomorrow for sure. Ive decided to try for three times a week, and only two of those for weights. Anything more than that and my body at this time seems to revolt pretty hard. Its discouraging, but Ill work with what Ive got. I will get better, I just - have to work my limits, and not what I want my limits to be.

Got to the gym yesterday, still didnt finish the whole workout, but I did better than I did on friday. Diets been - scraggly. Too much, too little, today has already been too much. Im going to have cut fried chicken out entirely, its just *such* a weakness for me. Granted, I only ate two pieces, instead of 7, but *still*. At least my breakfast was healthy, but probably too much for a day I dont work out. Im wondering how long until I start to see honest change on the scale. Two weeks at the gym - almost three weeks, and still nothing. I mean, I know it has to be my diet, but - its harder than I ever imagined. All I want to do is sleep. Getting to the gym tomorrow is going to *suck*.

SO its thanksgiving. Yesterday I didnt eat anything until dinner, and than I had turkey, lots of sweet potatoes, a *little* bit of mashed potatoes, and lots and lots of carrots, broccoli, celery, cauliflower. Yes, I had some gravy, yes, I had a *very* small slice of apple pie, and a n equally small piece of pumpkin, but - I dont even feel bad about it - thanksgiving at the inlaws and I *survived*! I havent worked out since my failed attempt on Friday, but Im going to go back today and just see how I do. After all, it couldnt be any worse, right?

All right - yesterday I had to realize a few very hard truths - and in an effort to keep my food log honest... *sighs* 7 pieces of KFC, a handful of skittles, six pieces of beer sausage, a handful of fries, a 1/4 cup of gravy, and some ground turkey/tomato mix with 1 cup of rice I couldnt believe how *hungry* I was - just, insane. Unsurprising, after all that - today Im not hungry at all. Also, I dont know how many cigarettes I had yesterday.. it was alot. Today, so far, Ive had a lire of water - no smokes, no food, I slept till 9 though, and I seriously over did it yesterday, so - yeah. Ill figure it out eventually.

How long have I been working out? - This time, its been two weeks. But I was a trainer at that Gym for three years - before I had my kids, and really, I started working out when I was 18. - and Im 41 now. I know how this all goes, I just keep forgetting that its *hard* to go back, and most importantly - that a 40 yr old body is *not* a 20 yr old body. *laughs*. Its going to take a lot longer this time. I hate it, but theres no point in hating the truth of something you cant change. You just have to change how you *deal* with that truth, So, Im taking a few days off before I go back, and going to try to be a bit more generous to my self. I *will* get back to where I was, but it just wont be today or tomorrow.

Well, this made me start crying again, but *Thank*you* - I couldnt say it enough. I do yoga at home alot, Ive loved it since before I had kids. And maybe for the next couple days, I will stick to that. Thanks for reminding me! And youre right, I probably am working too hard. I just really want to be back where I was before my kidlets - which, yes, I know, took me three years to get to the first time, but damnit, I want it like, *today*.

Im trying so hard. Ive been doing well all week, but right now... Im rather a weepy mess. I couldnt do my workout today, everything just hurt way too much. Its the bitch with autism - the muscle weakness. Sustaining any kind of exercise is - almost impossible. I couldnt finish my cardio, I couldnt finish my weights, Im in so much *pain*. I had been trying so hard. Two Wendies chicken burgers and a cup of raspberries later, Im just feeling worse - head pounding, legs throbbing - Im depressed - feeling like a failure, I hate this. I dont know what to do, Im scared to go to the gym tomorrow and even try, I hurt so badly

So - I managed my 20 min of walking, and about 5 min on elliptical, when I just couldnt do it anymore, my head was starting to pound, my legs were hurting, badly. I went down and tried to do my weight circuit - I got through the first set of everything, but the planks. By than I was crying, in pain. I had a good breakfast before 2 eggs, 2 mushrooms, 1 gr. onion, and about a half cup of rice... After my workout I ended up with 2 spicy chickens from wendies and a cup of raspberries, 2 cigarettes. Im a mess.

Yeah, last night sucked. Full Chocolate bar, but hey, I kept it at 6 smokes total. Going to gym again today, hoping it boosts my mood. It cant get much worse.

Ok, so today has been a - bad mental health day. However, I think Ive kept it together remarkably well. Lunch I had a wrap - again - but with 2 peices of chicken sandwich meat, 4 pieces of beer sausage sandwich meat, lots of lettuce, a slice of cheese, and 1 tsp of mayo/mustard. Dinner I had about a half cup of rice, with some ground turkey I cooked in canned tomatoes, zucchini, mushrooms. Hubby loved it, kids hated it. Ive had four cigarettes. I will probably have many more. Today sucked, but my weight is *down* Now at 195.2 I did such a happy dance.

Second verse, same as the first - what I had for lunch, I had for dinner. - but with 1 cup of rice. what I had for dinner, I had for breakfast- but in a wrap My weakness, as always, comes *after* dinner - up until that point, I had only 2 cigarettes, and nothing unhealthy at all. And than, after dinner happens. I didnt do too badly, all things considered. I had 1 slice of pumpkin loaf, 1/2 a chocolate bar, and 4 more cigarettes. It isnt the worst Ive done. But its not the best either. Im hoping today I do better.

Ok, so - Being a mom, and being - me, Im kinda playing around with the menu, lvl 4 right now. I took .338kg of chicken breast 4 sl. turkey bacon 5 white mushrooms 1/2 zucchini 1/8 orange pepper 2 gr onions Mixed it all up with some Italian herbs, and will use that for today's lunch, dinner and tomorrows breakfast, with whatever additions/subtractions I need to follow to appx the "menu" schedule. So basically, what Ive eaten so far today is 3 liters of water/tea and 1/3 of the above. Ive made it to noon before having a cigarette My weakness is late nights, we will see how the rest of the day goes, I still have to make pumpkin loaf too.

Allright, Ive paid my fee, Im a full on member, now. And Yeah, Im working hard. 20 min walking - .9 miles 21 min lateral elliptical - 39 floors 20 min stationary bike - 3.95 miles 30 jumping jacks x2 20 squats x2 10 push ups (inclined) x2 20 walking lunges x2 10 dumbell rows (15p, and 17.5 p) x2 15 sec plank x2

So I managed two full circuits, plus my full 60 minutes of cardio. Ive never managed to do that much before, and although Im very sore, Im pretty damn proud of myself.

So - my weekend was a total washout, but Im starting this today in hopes I can get back on track. Going to get to the gym today, do my cardio - I know an hour is excessive here, but Im trying to quit smoking, so I need to convince my lungs that stamina is good, smoking is bad. Workout is just the basic starter one, going to try for two reps. 30 Jumping Jacks, 20 Squats, 20 Walking Lunges, 10 Push ups, 10 dumbell rows, 15 sec plank. So far, Ive had some tea - "Forever Nuts". Last time I checked, I was 196.7 After last night, Im pretty sure Im higher than that, so Im not stepping back on the scale until Im thinking I might be happy about the result. Im a wimp and I know it. I really hope this helps/works. Im pretty discouraged right now, but Im not giving up.