Morrigainz

Accountability is hard when you don't care about anything and you feel like you're failing at everything (I put away SOME clothes, but not all of them, so I'm a failure). And I feel very disconnected from everything and everyone, and it's so hard to be around people when I feel like that....that I'd rather just not. Everything is exhausting. It's like that hyperbole and a half comic....trying to figure out how to interact when feeling numb. I liken it to putting on an ill-fitting, uncomfortable human suit - and everyone can tell. Sent from my LGLS991 using Tapatalk

What? Two challenges in a row? Jeez. I realize I didn't do a lot of updating over the last challenge, and really no visiting of anyone else's threads. For me, NF is a very all-or-nothing thing. I used to spend all day on here, updating, reading, encouraging, playing in chat, etc. And then it got to be too much (well, Mr Mir felt it was too much because I wasn't spending any time with him). So, in my way of doing things, the NF switch got flipped to Off. I'm still not sure what an appropriate amount of time looks like. I miss interacting with nerds; I miss talking to the people that have encouraged and loved me through some of the hardest times in my (recent) life. So I'm trying. This is me, trying. I still don't have any clear goals for this challenge, other than continuing my am/pm routine and trying to turn it into a habit. Not doing so great so far - from Jan 11 to 31 I only did my am/pm stuff 6 times. It's easy stuff, but I just wait until too late and then I'm tired and say, "whatever, I can just do it in the morning". As far as the morning stuff...I'm usually running behind during the week, and I guess I'm just lazy on the weekend - I'll get up, put on some pjs, and go downstairs instead of cleaning my guard, which would take all of 2 minutes. Sometimes I take a step back and analyze the reason for putting these things into place to begin with. I don't want to get stuck back in a place where I feel guilty because I'm not doing the things I said I would, but the only reason I said I would do them was so I could accomplish some other goal, and I'm accomplishing the other goal without doing the things. (That seems rambly; does it make sense?) So like prepping my coffee the night before - is it necessary? Not really. I can do coffee in the morning. But it IS kind of nice (especially during the week) to be able to stumble downstairs and basically just hit "brew". Eliminating steps in the morning is good. And cleaning my occlusal guard isn't to accomplish something else but should be done for its own sake - because ew. And meds - goes without saying, really. So, yes, back to the goals. I don't know what to set. There are too many things and I can't decide what's most important. Is it important to do my physical therapy exercises? Is it important to set up a launch pad? Is it important to make sure the dishes are done every day? Is it important to keep laundry off the floor? There are too many options, and then I get overwhelmed and think maybe I should just keep trying the am/pm thing until it's a habit and then add things slowly. But then I think maybe I should discard the am/pm idea because it's not working. Too much stress. Very overwhelm. In other news, which I don't think I talked about last challenge, I got dumped by my therapist. (Bolding bc important thing in the middle of word vomit.) Being dumped sucks. Being dumped by a therapist REALLY sucks. Being dumped by a therapist via no contact/response really, really, really, REALLY sucks. I will admit that I was not great at keeping appointments. But I never no call/no showed. I always let her know. And really...last summer was tough. Some days I didn't have enough spoons to even get dressed. One day I emailed her (yes, we primarily communicated via email) to cancel/reschedule...and I never heard back from her. Ever. To this day. It was just a couple weeks before I was planning to go back to work, and I thought it was probably a good idea to see her. But yeah, no response. I tried not to judge; I figured maybe she was sick or wasn't practicing anymore or whatever. However, I heard through the grapevine that she is, indeed, still practicing. So I vagged up one day and called her. Got her voicemail stating she would return my call within 24 hours. Never heard back. Ever. To this day. It was fairly recent - about 2 weeks ago. Definitely informed my depressive episode. So now here I am, without a therapist, and still in that place of "omg, I'm going to have to find someone new and spend all that time and energy and effort AGAIN" - those of you who are/have been in therapy know exactly what I'm talking about. Rehashing everything all over again...it gets so old. Anyway...other than that, feeling generally sad and weepy today. And frustrated. Frustrated by many things. I'm trying to just sit with it and not judge or be mad at myself that I've basically gotten no work done yet today. Especially since I might start crying at any moment! But! There's a ray of sunshine in the darkness! His name is Benson; I've nicknamed him Bun Bun. He is adorable and soft and cute and sweet...but, in true guinea pig fashion, still very skittish and frightened. Hopefully he will warm up to me in time.

I am still here. I'm not sure I can say I've fully recovered from my episode - I still feel low, and without energy to do many of the things I enjoy. I did, however, make it to work all week last week, and I'm here again on a Monday. So there's that. Yesterday I even managed a bunch of chores! Moar updates in new challenge thread that I haven't made yet.

I don't have the words to properly respond to that right now...so... <3.

So it's been a bit. I have a Facebook group where I talk about things and I apparently can't copy my text so you get screen shots. One good thing about being this depressed? I don't even want to drink. 2 consecutive days with no drinks. Hopefully the pics come through ok. Sent from my SCH-I435 using Tapatalk

Going to update, then go through and look at replies, because of course I have 1000000000 things going through my head. 1. Been feeling disconnected lately. This is a theme throughout my life. It makes it hard for me to make good decisions because it feels like the choices I make don't matter. And it's sometimes another symptom of the depression, but I don't think it is now. I just feel out of sync, out of step. It's hard for me to remember yesterday. Or last week. Etc. 2. Still trying to figure out how to find a balance between loving myself and the way I am, and still managing to take care of some of that daily maintenance stuff. I haven't really gotten to anything specific on this because I don't want to get overwhelmed, and I don't want to bite off more than I can chew. 3. Physical fitness is just...awful. I don't even know if I can do a push-up right now. I shoveled the driveway yesterday, and it exhausted me completely. I was out of breath within 5 minutes. I get winded walking up a couple flights of stairs. Walking fast. Etc. But again, I don't want to schedule myself to death, so really trying to draw this back in to figuring out how to put PT back in my "routine". 4. As a tangent off that last thought, I've been back to work for 3+ months now. I want to start looking at increasing my hours back to 40 (which will get me more money, as well as getting me to my vesting goal sooner). I don't know if I want to do this all at once, so one of my thoughts has been re-joining the YMCA right across from work, going there in the morning before work to do my PT (with a goal of being there by 7), and being to work by 7:30. So I would accomplish the goal of being out of the house earlier, get used to being downtown earlier, AND the goal of PT. But it's only a thought...and maybe I'm overcomplicating it. 5. Goal/stuff tracking: I have a chalkboard by my motivation mirror that I'm putting goals on - goals for the morning when I first get up, and goals for just before I go to bed. The idea was to sort of "bookend" my day with routine things that would help add a little structure to my day. I recently decreased the number of goals to 2 in the a.m., and 2 at night - and one of those I've been doing routinely since...sometime earlier last year so technically I probably don't need to write it down - but it feels good, plus I don't want to lose track of it. BUT - there are other things I want to track. Booze. Physical activity. Other stuff that I don't remember right now. But I don't want to track myself to death and again, get overwhelmed. 6. Launch pad: I read this idea the other day (as a way to manage ADHD problems) of having a "launch pad" near the door that contains the things you will need/want when you leave the house. So, keys, wallet/purse, shoes, coat, etc. I started that with Blueberries' suggestion to always hang up my keys as soon as I get home (and that's going great), but I'm still running around like a chicken with its head cut off everytime I get ready to go somewhere. So a launch pad would be nice, but it's another thing to track, and manage, and sometime before I leave the house having to think about all the things I might need the next time I leave, depending on where I'm going, and go around and collect (re: find) those things, and...that's a lot. It's a great idea - I just want to find a way to make it work for me. 7. There was a 7 but I forgot. 8. Oh hell, I might as well add #8. I just got my 2016 planner (Erin Condren, expensive but worth it if I can figure out how to use it right) and it's way more customizable than last year's, so I'm trying to figure out how to use all the areas/spaces. 9. I remember #7. It was about how one of the things that's really hard for me is task switching, and that's one of the reasons I'm always late, but setting alarms helps, but I also don't want to live my life by alarms on my phone. I have some pictures I want to post but they are on my phone. So I will figure that out the next time I have some mental capacity, which I'm sort of running out of right now. No booze: 2 days (non consecutive)

Hokay. So. Lots of thoughts this morning - let's see if I can remember them and organize them into a somewhat cohesive ramble. Thought 1 Of all the things in my life that are out of control and I need/want to work on fixing, one of them stood out from the others - booze. At this point it has become customary for me to drink every day. Sometimes just a drink, but I've been on a wine/champagne kick, and I'll typically drink a half a bottle a day, sometimes a whole bottle if I start early enough on the weekends. This is both the easiest and the hardest, and it's also the most important for my physical and mental health as well as my wallet. I am going to drastically decrease the amount I drink. I'm not quite sure what this looks like yet, but I bought some club soda yesterday for my club soda/lime juice/bitters mixture. It's a good replacement - fizzy, not too sweet, and without caffeine. I'm thinking I might institute a "drink only at special events/when going out with friends" policy. This will also allow me to cope with my I-hate-work stress in a healthier way (well...in theory). Days without drinks: 1 Thought 2 It's hard to know where to draw the line between gettin' on with my bad self and having a modicum of organization. There are so many things in my life that are disorganized...like...everything (except the car keys and the meds!). I both loathe and crave structure and routine. So somehow I need to build in small things to make my life easier. As it is, I have shoes all over, and coats all over, and things stay where I've used them, or taken them off, or dropped them. For some people, this may seem a silly challenge. Just clean something up when you're done with it! But for me, between the depression and the ADHD, it's an onerous and almost impossible task. I bought a "crap basket" so when things get overwhelming in one room, I just throw it all in the basket for later sorting, but then of course I can't find my cuticle nippers, and so I end up emptying the basket all over the floor again, and jeez, they aren't even in there, where the heck are they? And of course the stuff doesn't go back in the basket but stays on the floor until things become overwhelming again. I am not making this up. (Unlike Dave Barry, I'm actually not making this up.) The Adderall helps - I take it and BOOM! I can knit all day. Or spend 3 hours cleaning the banister. Or clean out and organize my junk drawer in the vanity. But without structure or routine, the boost I get goes to waste. But like I said above....I want to be comfortable being me. So how do I make my life easier AND happier? Thought 3 Another thing that concerns me is my level (or lack thereof) of physical fitness. It's definitely worse than I thought. I get winded to the point of passing out/nausea climbing 7 flights of stairs - slowly. (I decided recently that I would start taking the stairs at work instead of the elevator, and that was a mistake. I think it lasted 3 days. That's how I know this.) I'm having issues with my SI joint on the reg. I had cancelled my gym membership in the spring when I knew I was going to be off work for a while, and I've delayed renewing for several reasons (paying back emergency savings, Christmas, needing to assess the impact of lower income, etc). I also wanted to rethink the whole gym thing. But I'm not having much luck coming up with a genius plan. Before I go back and start lifting heavy things again, I want to start doing my PT exercises every day. I have that as a short term goal on my motivation/mindfulness mirror. I haven't been successful. Akrasia, I suppose. I've been thinking I might do that and some yoga first thing when I get up. More on that later, maybe. Thought 4 This job is killing me. It is especially killing my spirit. When you work in a giant bureaucracy, it's hard to get your awesome and crazy ideas recognized as legitimate. So, I'm thinking maybe I need a new plan. I have approximately 35 weeks until I'm fully vested in my 401k, so if I can hold out, it seems silly to abandon ship before then. It makes me feel dumb for taking time off (even though it was much needed), because if I hadn't taken it, I'd be vested by now and feel less stuck. In the meantime, I'm trying to think of things that will make my time here more bearable. There's not much. I've personalized my workspace quite a bit, but it doesn't change the fact that it smells like a crayon factory, and....well, this is a public forum so I shouldn't say more. As a tangent/addendum to this thought, I'm still/again having trouble making it in on a regular basis. I set up a reward system (a "Get the Fuck to Work" jar) but it's been of limited helpfulness. I've changed how I'm using it (I have a very specific reward in mind once I save up enough bucks), so we'll see if that makes a difference, but I'm not hopeful. I just ran a report on my hours since I've returned. I made it 6 weeks without calling in when I first came back...since then, I've had one pay period without using any sick time...and I'm pretty sure I pulled a "working from home" for at least one of those days. I don't know, maybe it's not as bad as it seems. I just....need to show up. I've been thinking about ramping up my hours a bit with the end goal of getting back to 40 (which would also help me get to my vesting goal earlier), but if I can't even work 32 hours consistently....??? Okay, maybe I need some opinions. I'll post my hours below. My reduced schedule is designated as "plan A", which means I can reduce my work schedule by 16 hours a pay period - most people do it like I am, and do 8 hours/week. Sick leave is SKLV, and vacation is ANLV. Holidays are obviously HOL1. PPE 10/10/15 REG1: 46 SKLV: 2 ??? Hmm. Oh I think I had a migraine and went home early. Total: 48 (this is less than 80 because I went back Oct 1, midweek) PPE 10/24/15 REG1: 65 PLNA: 15 Total: 80 PPE 11/07/15 REG1: 64 PLNA: 16 Total: 80 PPE 11/21/15 REG1: 40.5 ANLV: 8 SKLV: 7.5 HOL1: 8 PLNA: 16 Total: 80 PPE 12/05/15 REG1: 45 SKLV: 8 HOL1: 16 PLNA: 11 Total: 80 PPE 12/19/15 REG1: 68 PLNA: 12 Total: 80 PPE 01/02/16 REG1: 32 HOL1: 32 PLNA: 16 Total: 80 And this week I wasn't here Tuesday (pinched nerve, but was that just an excuse? IDK). But I'm planning to come in tomorrow to at least make up for it a little.

RARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Speaking of rar, we need to start thinking about NV2016...... That's hilarious...we actually made that exact same analogy when some family friends came by the other day. And it's so true! One of the challenges is going to be for me to be ME, but still...have some expectations of myself. I'm terrible at being organized, but that doesn't mean that I can't maintain SOME kind of baseline - I don't want Mr Mir to feel as though he has to do everything - cleaning, paying bills, getting my prescriptions, etc.

Yes! I started knitting in December 2014 (as a way to stop myself from biting my nails/fingers - it's a horrible habit and I do it until I bleed, and I'm sure that one of these days I'm going to get an infection and lose a finger) and I've taken to it like a fish to water - which is very strange. I normally have trouble with detail work, but something about knitting (creating things, being able to use my imagination) calls to me. I've done a TON of knitting in the last year, and I've started to be comfortable enough with my work that I've been giving projects away, making things for specific people, etc. When I was off work, I was trying to think of a way to supplement my income...and that's what came to mind. I'm back at work now, but I'm still keenly interested in knitting things for nerds. I have a list of a dozen or so projects that people have requested, and I'm working on my first one right now - a blanket with the chemical structure of melatonin because that's HILARIOUS. And to you as well! Hugs! OMIGOD THAT'S IT!!! ....not. HUGS! Omg girl, update me. How's the knee? Thanks! It's going to be quite a journey. BODY TWINSIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (not at the moment though, haha) BOOK omg BOOK!!!! I was thinking about you not long ago! HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI

Hokay, let's see if I can link to my album from here or if all knowledge of the forums has leaked from my ears. Disclaimers: 1. no captions yet 2. wtf for some reason half my pictures are upside down even after I rotated them

I saw that too! Which is quite interesting... I had something in mind. I don't want to say anything yet in case it doesn't come to fruition. TBD... Sent from my SCH-I435 using Tapatalk

Thanks! I'll be looking for tips and tricks of some sort as I feel my way forward, I'm sure. Hiiiiiii!! Are you ever coming home for a visit? How is the new place and stuff? I occasionally get an update from BB but not too often... Yes. I'm pretty good at THAT kind of loving, as we all know. /leer Definitely. I have a system that I call Do One Thing. It's proved helpful. Later I plan to update with some pictures and stuff of what I've been up to for oh, the past year or so.... And yes. The shoulds are EVIL. Hugs! Glad to be back! Uhhhh...no one ever said you had to stop! ERMAHGERDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD I see you have retained your status of GIF Queen.

Well, one of the things I have learned (although this might be a bit cheaty because it's been over the course of more than a year, but also I didn't do a thingy last year) is that it is absolutely essential for me to approach training mindfully and holistically. I continue to deal with SI joint issues, and the older I get, the more important it is for me to keep the health of my WHOLE body in mind (balance, mobility, etc). It's not enough to squat with perfect form. So while I still want to chase numbers, that drive will take a back seat to ensuring that each muscle group gets proper attention so I don't have the sudden, screaming pain that came with my first flare-up.

So umm.....hi. Let me explain....no, is too much. Let me sum up: I'm just coming out of the worst year of my life, complete with mental breakdown and taking a medical leave of absence from work, almost getting divorced, and all that good stuff. I've taken a LONG break from NF, for lots of reasons, but I miss my nerds TERRIBLY and I've decided it's time to come back. Plus, I'm trying something different this time. I've spent most of my adult life feeling like a failure, a fuckup, a worthless piece of sludge. I suffer from depression and ADHD, and so things that are simple for others are nearly impossible for me. While I don't necessarily compare myself to other people, I have in my mind this Ideal Person, and the kind of things this person does. I have wasted so much time comparing myself to this Person, falling short, and beating myself up for it. I've decided that it ends, NOW. I've decided to be the best Mir I can be, and that means embracing all the awesome things that make me Mir, while acknowledging my weaknesses but not hating myself for them. I'm not sure exactly how things work around here these days, and also I only decided yesterday to make a challenge, so here are my thoughts thus far: Main Quest: Love Thyself How am I going to accomplish this? I, errr....don't really know. What I've come up with so far is to ask myself two questions: Does this make my life easier? / What will make my life easier? Does this make me happier? / What will make me happier? The non easy/happy things are going out the window. I'm going to look at my life differently. I'm going to look at my SELF differently. I am simply not wired to be the Super Organizer that for some reason I've felt I should be. Instead, I'm wired to be fun, crazy, wild, creative, zany, loud, outgoing, etc etc etc. It's time to embrace me. It's time to be authentically Mir. Other things I'd like to accomplish, but I haven't decided the order/priority in which they fall (and certainly some of them are more than 4 week goals): start doing PT againgo back to gymmake good food choices/cook yummy food at hometake care of myself while at work (this includes things like actually taking a lunch, bringing food to eat instead of drinking coffee and eating candy all day, getting up from my desk once in a while, etc)get Etsy shop off the groundstart doing home improvement stuff again (painting, ugh)

Hokay, so. Here's Mir. Not round. But damn, sweet Mir. Anyway. Here is my word vomit: Background I've struggled with depression and ADHD for pretty much my entire adult life. In particular, I have traditionally had enormous trouble maintaining a job of any kind. Part time, full time, retail, office, professional, etc., it doesn't matter. After a while, I just can't make it to work every day. I have struggled. I have tried. I have set goals, rewards, budgets, etc etc etc...nothing works. I'm sure that I've talked about this extensively in older posts; if you have questions, feel free to ask, but I don't want to get into the details here. To show how bad it really is, I've been with my current employer since January 2013. I earn 4 hours of sick time every pay period (2 weeks). I have no accumulated sick time. Current Situation I had something of a mental breakdown in May (a lot of things came to a head all at once and I just couldn't handle it); thus I have been off work since around Mother's Day. I have exhausted my FMLA credits, although I do get another 3 months or so of unpaid medical leave. This gives me until Nov 20. I had a meeting with work people recently to talk about going back, and I'm just...not ready. I feel as though I only have one chance to go back and make it work, because if I fail again, even if I have leave time left, who is going to feel they can rely on me? Talking with my therapist, I have come to the conclusion that maybe the traditional work environment/schedule just doesn't work for me. I have spent my entire life trying to fit my square self into the round world, and it's impossible; so now it's time to see if I can make my world square. I know I am smart. I am ambitious, dedicated, enthusiastic, outgoing, friendly, and all-around awesome. When I become interested in something, I can (and often do) focus nearly all my attention to it until I have a handle on it. Trouble is, I seem to get bored easily, and the combination of boredom plus a work environment in which I don't thrive have created the perfect storm. I frequently wonder if I really am just lazy or stupid. Which makes me mad. Okay, that was a tangent. Anyway. What I Need I need a job/career that is a better fit for me than what I've been doing. Some of the things I believe I need/value in a job are as follows: autonomyflexibility re: schedulingability to try new things (even if they fail)/be creativechallengesuhh, I can't brain - something that is able to capture and keep my interest, OR something that changes frequentlyThose are all the things I can think of for now. So, considering something like contract or freelance work. I'm interested in EVERYTHING. My degree is a BBA in Information Technology Management, and I enjoy technical details as well as the overall picture. For the past couple of years, I've worked as an IT programmer/analyst using SAP Business Objects. SQL appeals to me because it's logical but also because it's like a puzzle to figure out...although I will also admit that I'm not always 100% awesome with all the details (missing commas, what?). I also have an interest in project management; specifically requirements gathering (probably). I've billed myself as a bridge between people and technology, because I can walk the walk and I can also talk the talk. I tend to be pretty good at putting technical concepts in layman's terms. Plus, I think that's really something that is lacking in the tech world. SO. I never had enough self-confidence to think I could be an entrepreneur or do anything like contract/freelance...but now that I'm thinking about it, I'm excited. However....I have no idea where to start. I have a couple of people I can contact, and I will, but I have NO idea if they will be able to help me. Any advice/suggestions/leads? My deadline looms large in my face.

So hi. Haven't been here in a while. I have a special request from 7fg for some good mojo cause his mom's pretty sick. SEND HIM (AND HIS MOTHER) ALL YOUR GOOD VIBES Pardon typos; sheep have hooves, not hands.

Wow. Yes. Thanks. I'm gonna have to come back and read again and ponder. I had a VERY rough time this afternoon. Would have been a great time to practice some dbt skills, but sadly I didn't have a plan in place. That's on my agenda for tomorrow (Ok, later today). Pardon typos; sheep have hooves, not hands.

What about this weekend? I'm going to a roller derby bout on Saturday but I could probably do something Friday.... Thoughts? Pardon typos; sheep have hooves, not hands.

Definitely helpful! It is easy for the self-awareness/introspection to turn into dwelling/beating self up. I have started (although it is difficult) practicing radical acceptance - there is nothing I can do in the moment to improve or change things, so there is no point in continuing to dwell on it or feel angst or wish things were different. Have you identified anything in particular that has helped you with the victimization thing? It's taken me this long to realize I even *do* it, let alone noticing it in the moment and taking corrective action. Someone told me recently that I have less to work on than I think I do. I think he is right. Which is weird. Also, for Christmas, Mr Mir got me a wake up light alarm clock thing. It has been helpful. I've also started taking my meds first thing in the morning, before I even get out of bed. This has also been helpful.

Don't give up!!!!! Write down the assignments in a list. Prioritize them. Here are some ways you can prioritize: By date/time due Easiest/shortest assignment first Hardest/longest assignment first Most important assignment first (I.e. the one that will affect your grade the most) Practice grace with yourself. I KNOW it's hard. I struggle with it too. At this point - you can only do as much as you can do. The past is the past, and cursing it or yourself is not going to change anything. ACCEPT the present. Accept the moment for what it is. Then determine what steps you need to take. Then take the steps. I am rooting for you! Pardon typos; sheep have hooves, not hands.

Yup. I was def doing it wrong too. THE MORE YOU KNOW gratz on the pr! Pardon typos; sheep have hooves, not hands.

Surgery is always interesting. Glad it went well enough and that you're doing okay!!!

GODDAMN DOUBLE POSTS. Have a cute thing instead.

Good points all. One of the things I do, and the reason I am here, is I get stuck in my own head. I fixate on something that is wrong, and instead of practicing radical acceptance, I get upset that I can't do anything RIGHT NOW to fix the situation, and I don't know how to fix the situation, and I feel powerless and victimized. Which just leads to more angst. I am very self-aware. Maybe TOO self-aware. Because I think and I think and I think when sometimes I could benefit from DOING. I paralyze myself in my misery. And when I am in that moment, in that place, I feel as though I cannot get out of it. I don't want to do anything but sit there and feel miserable. EVEN THOUGH I know getting out and doing something will help. Last night I was planning to go to this vaudeville thing in town - it looked super fun - but then something happened and I spent the rest of the day bummed and even though I had the whole day free to do WHATEVER I WANTED and it was sunny and comparatively warm (mid 20s), I did nothing. I sat around and was sad. ALL DAY. People offered to hang out - like go have dinner - and I just couldn't/didn't even want to. I do not know how to break out of the cycle. I tried to resist the lure of wine. But then I gave up. So I drank a bottle. For a minute it wasn't terrible, because I was talking on the phone with a friend who was ALSO drinking, so it was like we were hanging out. I have a group on Facebook that I created called "Mir's Anti-Sads Accountability Group". I talk about much of the same stuff as here, probably. But here is something I posted in the group earlier this week that kind of woke me up: This feeling is safe because it absolves me of any responsibility. It means I am not responsible for the bad choices I make, because I can't help it, because I'm powerless. It also means, as mentioned above, that when I do awesome things, I don't get to claim responsibility for them. Because they just happened. I think that this actually might be the root of many of my problems. I have a hard time making the RIGHT choice, or the HEALTHY choice. And when I don't make the right choice, I point to my victimhood. So, among all the other questions I've been asking myself, and my friends - how do I not be a victim anymore? How do I change that mentality? ----- Re: challenge goals, meh. I have been present in the moment this morning and it was just lovely. I was trying to be present with my sadness yesterday, but I'm not sure if it was actually being present or wallowing. I haven't made it to the Buddhist temple yet. Re: habits, I have decided the next thing I need to tackle is my routine. I had a routine of going to the gym, but it got fucked up for a bunch of reasons, and now I'm not going consistently, and that makes me sad because I love my barbarella. So instead of focusing super hard on a tiny baby step (although I might decide to take some measures re: organization, if I happen to think about it), I am going to focus on creating a new routine to make sure I get to the gym. I've been thinking and pondering and trying to figure out how to make it work in lots of different permutations, but really I'm just procrastinating. So that will be my next thing. Haven't met with the therapist yet because one week I was on vacation, and then the next week I was sick/didn't feel like going, and last week her grandma was in hospice and was not doing well. I have many things and thoughts I want to discuss with her. I DID start going through one of the workbooks and checking things I am willing to do. I can continue that on my own, but as far as things like diary cards, or journaling, or actually writing stuff down or actually practicing any of these things...I feel intimidated and overwhelmed. It would help me to have direction. And homework. So there's my blahblahblah.

Hi there friend. It's been a while. When I was in school, I wrote every due date in a planner at the beginning of the semester. The planner then became my Bible. I looked at it every day. It helped with the procrastination. Do you have a planner or similar tool? Pardon typos; sheep have hooves, not hands.