Red Dragoon

Well, it has been a while. And I think I know why, why I've been slacking so badly on reporting progress when I used to be more into it. Because it doesn't feel like progress anymore. I started my walking every day in October, and aside from a handful of sick days and stuck on a train days, I've kept up with it ever since. Its a fully integrated habit by now (I made a habit, whoo-hoo (no, seriously, that's hard for me)), so coming on here on a regular basis to report on walking every day is starting to feel ridiculous. Guess what I did, guys, I breathed in and out, all day every day, go me, right? I need a new challenge. I would not mind picking a date and keeping track of all the walking I do over the course of a year, to see how far I get, just for fun. But that's not a challenge, just curiosity. I did want to get back into the habit of doing bodyweight workouts again, so that may well be what we go with. I'm still losing weight but it is much slower going (down to 157 now), so I got to up my game somehow. I'm also starting to feel hungry again a lot more often, so also time to tweak my diet again. Aside from that things have been slow. I've started writing again, but its an entirely new idea. Something that will probably be shorter and to the point, so I might just focus on it for a while and see if I can't finish it in a sane amount of time. And I probably won't post it anywhere until its finished or most of the way there, so maybe I can enjoy the process without it being tied up in people's response. I've been working on Project One for years now, maybe I just need to take a break; at least something solid danced to the front of my mind so the break won't be one from writing altogether. Get back to you on the future new challenge.

2.2 miles 2.7 miles 3.1 miles 3.1 miles 2.3 miles 2.2 miles 2.2 miles 3.1 miles 2.3 miles 2.5 miles 2.7 miles 1.7 miles 1.4 miles 2.9 miles 4.9 miles 2.9 miles 2.4 miles 2.4 miles 2.5 miles There are a couple combined days in there. Ugh, so away a long time again. Small bit of good news, the room mate found a job. A really crappy job, a get out of this as soon as you can job, but a job that will pay the bills in the meantime and unemployment had been close to running out. I guess its good not to have to worry about that. In other news, I'm finding myself almost totally drained of energy lately. Like everything went into the move and readjusting to new surroundings and now I'm just tired. Or I needed a change and now the change has happened, so...now what? Now what, indeed. I've been living badly for such a long damn time, I'm not sure I know how to do anything else. And while I've long thought it an inevitability that I would retreat entirely from the world one day (I do not seem to mingle well with it, never have, whatever I do) I'm not sure I'm ready for that time to be right now. But I'm honestly not sure what to do about it, either. Of more immediate concern, I haven't written anything in months. I've tried, I've had it sitting open on my computer for days at a time, read it over and over again, but I haven't been able to plug back into it. I'm not totally surprised, I know its been wearing on me lately, more and more, the work I put into it, putting it out there and getting almost nothing back, that it got worse after I started the second book in the series. I'm used to not having support or encouragement, probably especially when it comes to my writing (I didn't grow up with creative people), I can run with it for a long time but not forever, if the project doesn't finish before it reaches its head. Its been a number of years, it really has, several years before the popularity contest atmosphere made me cynical (on at least one site, it seems that what gets your work acclaim is making friends with everyone on the forum; even if my highly introverted ass could find the energy to keep up with that, I lack the social skills to be charming enough to make it work). But I don't want to lose this thread, I kind of liked my story in spite of everything, and I'd still like to finish it one day. But I still haven't been able to get it done, still haven't found the words or the drive to get them out, and its bothering me. I don't know what to do about it yet. I am still walking, though. Every day, at least 2.2 miles (don't ask me why that's become the default number, it just has). I suppose if I needed anymore proof I've successfully imprinted this habit, this is it. I struggle with everything else, but I still get up and walk. Though at this point I do think I'll have to step up my game a bit if I want to lose those last twenty pounds, the scale is very stubbornly not moving.

2.1 miles 2.5 miles 3.1 miles 5.5 miles 2.2 miles 2.5 miles 3 miles 2.7 miles 2.2 miles 5.9 miles 2.2 miles 2.2 miles There is one day missing in there, thanks to a migraine; no walking around when your head can't even manage sitting upright. Well, its been a while again. Got distracted dealing with a thousand little problems, and trying to set up a few new personal goals. I didn't think that much time has gone by. :/ I discovered to my great delight that I can reach the ocean on public transit here in my new home, no more having to save up and plan a week long vacation to walk on the beach, I can make it a day trip whenever I feel like (as long as I'm awake the right hours). That's the 5.9 day up there. No new scale numbers to report, still hovering around 165. It does this sometimes, it holds for a little while then starts dropping again very quickly. Hasn't been long enough that I feel its time to be concerned and try a new strategy.

2.6 miles 4.4 miles 1.5 miles 2 miles 1.2 miles 2.3 miles 5.3 miles 2.1 miles 3.4 miles That's kind of a skewed picture, for the first few days when my current schedule put my walking time over the two calendar days. I tried to wait until after midnight as much as I could so I didn't have to keep careful track of numbers and move things around on My Fitness Pal, but I couldn't always manage it. At this point I don't remember quite how they all add up, so I just went down the list and report what was there. I was doing my usual at least 2 miles each day. I want to get bodyweight workouts going again, sometime very soon. My mind has been very distracted lately, most of my mental energy going toward a different aspect of life that needs remodeling; even writing has been slow, where I thought I'd have it ready at the beginning of the month we're nearing its end and the edit isn't done (I know only, like, three people care, but three decent people that I don't enjoy making wait). As far as that issue goes, I started a blog recently, for the first time in a number of years, to vent some ideas on, get thoughts in order, because I can't journal privately, I won't keep it up I never do. That may or may not be a small bit of personal progress, I'm still not sure it was the wisest move all things considered, but we'll see. I imagine it will be very little seen, so maybe less dramatastic than it was the last time? Scale at 166.2. Holy shit, am I almost down to the final 25 pounds before I hit the initial goal? When did that happen?

2.1 miles 2.4 miles 2.8 miles 2 miles 3.1 miles 4.8 miles 2 miles I finally got my treadmill (now with battle scars!), just as I had gotten used to the apartment pacing. Had plans over the weekend for the first time in forever, could be deadly navigating holidays with two bakers in the family (not professionally, but they did go to school for it). No worries really, I've long had the perfect strategy for dealing with such scenarios - the ability to say no and the willingness to be the only one not doing something. When my sleep went batshit so many years ago, I had to get used to things like going out to dinner and not eating because I only got up three hours ago, had breakfast and am not hungry, the skill transfers over nicely with no thanks, I don't eat those foods, or planning ahead to take care of myself because I'm on my own schedule. None of it is as tempting as it once might have been, but that's not to say that some of it isn't, to a small degree. I'm not insane, I know that a break of one day every few months is not going to make a huge difference when I otherwise stay on track. And good, because I have heard rumors of home made ham and cheese croissants available sometimes on holidays and birthdays, and I am quite willing to suspend my bread ban for one of those. Weight hit 169.8. Down to the last thirty pounds.

2.3 miles 2.6 miles 3.4 miles 2.8 miles 2.6 miles 2.4 miles Still no treadmill, hopefully that will change the next couple of days. In the meantime, I found a decent route to walk, a 2+ mile loop when I can't think of where else to go. Like I had before but far more scenic, along a river instead of through suburbs. All the rest of my current mental energy is going toward writing and finishing up the latest chapter to get it published, since I am months behind, thought I'd have it done by now. That's why I'm taking longer to report in and don't have a lot else to say. Maybe when its done and I can breathe a little again, I'll try to be more interesting (you know, as much as I'm ever able ).

Walked 2.6 miles 3 miles 2.1 miles 2 miles 2.9 miles The last few days there, I'm finally awake at a good time for going out and walking again. Before that it was the mind numbing apartment pacing. And it might continue that way for a while yet. I still don't have my treadmill, and I'm not sure why except for family drama. Nothing I'm directly involved in, but this does seem to be the latest contentious point between those two, and I have no idea if that fact isn't dragging this situation out unnecessarily (either that or the other person really is just fucking off). I'm trying to decide at what point do I get to be a dick about this. On the one hand, I do know I kind of imposed this on people, I didn't have much of a choice in the matter, but still it was sudden and inconvenient for everyone and I get that; on the other hand, can we just pick a date and get this over with? This nebulous at some point in the future maybe is not working for me (one person with a part time job, two people with a mostly open schedule, come on now). Or continuously being told by one family member that the other will do it by whatever date, and then nothing comes (though I'm sure she's trying her hardest to push the issue, but like I said, drama). Scale at 173.2. So there's some good news.

Walked 2.8 miles Walked 3.2 miles So, good news and bad news. I finally have my belongings delivered, but there are two exceptions, one of which is the treadmill. I live in an old building, third floor, narrow staircases and not a lot of turning room, the moving guys couldn't fit it up. It caused some minor arguments in an otherwise perfectly fine day, where the moving people were just going to leave it sitting out in the driveway, with this you need to call some repairman who specializes in exercise equipment to come take it apart because we're not going to - I've never heard of such a repairman but even if they do exist, they weren't going to come out quickly after six o'clock and if you left the treadmill outside it would be gone in an hour. While I get that its no one's fault and I knew it wasn't in their job contract to dissemble anything, the guy had such a flippant I don't give a shit attitude about the whole thing that made me want to strangle him. The treadmill was an expensive piece of equipment we can not really afford to lose it. So then it was, well we can give it to someone else, around here or back where you came from for a yet additional fee - everyone always assumes you're surrounded by friends and family, even when you just move, does it never occur to anyone maybe I'm a misanthropic loner with no life? Well, this time I did have family relatively near by who were willing to help out, but when he was told where to go the driver tried to refuse and insist he couldn't go more than ten miles away. I have to assume he just didn't feel like making the additional trip because it was in the opposite direction he wanted to go, a quick call to the company itself found that limit isn't even close to true, they called the driver and ordered him to make the trip (again, for yet more money). Well, anyway, the treadmill is with family, and maybe this weekend we'll see about getting it taken apart, brought over and put back together again (hopefully it won't be as much a nightmare as putting it together was). I really hope this works, again that thing was expensive, I do need it to keep my good habits going, and we're still job hunting here and so can not afford a replacement right now (should not have to replace it this soon). That's why I'm missing a walking day, it'll be another night of pacing the apartment. Oh joy. In other news, my wanderings outside brought me to something interesting. If I ever have the balls to work out in public (and I don't), I found a near by place I can do it. Went exploring parks, found one that, when you went past the children's playground, you found equipment clearly meant for adults to exercise with. Pull up bars, parallel bars, gymnastic rings, ropes to climb, etc. all sitting out in the open in a public park. It was late in the day I was there, but I saw a few people working out. I might not ever be able to use it myself, but its kind of cool to know its there.

Walked 5.1 miles Walked 3.4 miles Walked 1.1 miles Walked 2.8 miles Not every day since my last post, but every did something other than walk about a mile back and forth through the apartment (well, that 1.1 day I was visiting people, and I got a few minutes on the treadmill before I left). I still don't have my stuff, to my increasing aggravation. I see the four week challenge starts now, but I am in no way ready to dive in, not at least until my belongings have gotten here. I haven't gotten much of a chance to think about everything, to order them in my head with goals and limits and what seems possible right now. Aside from the usual keep walking, restart body weight workouts and write write write (seriously, that's suffered quite a bit these last few months). * I am terrible with chores, always have been. I know it would be for the best to develop at least a few good better than current habits in this arena. It is terrible though, so I know that like with exercising, very small steps must be taken. * The other has to do with religion, thus more personal and I don't really want to get into a lot of details. I had a good, active practice once, but that was a long time ago and between then and now is a long story no one wants to hear. I attempted to tackle this before, by calling it meditation, which was indeed what I was doing albeit with a purpose I wasn't discussing. That change didn't stick and I'm not altogether surprised by that. I think it will be more helpful the second time around to reframe the goal - if its closer to what I'm really shooting for, I can find a way to go about it that I know will be more my style / something I actually do need in my life, and will be more likely to retain after the challenge is over. Scale has seen 175. Scale has also been weird and temperamental lately, giving me a lot of randomly inaccurate numbers some mornings, but that one I believe can be trusted.

Don't have a lot to report, sleeping time and weather have kept me in the last few days. I manage to pace back and forth a mile within the apartment, but its not the same. I really need my treadmill back. I need my furniture in general, the air mattress that was decent enough for a while is rapidly wearing out its welcome, its been very difficult to get to sleep the last three nights, getting worse each night. I still don't have a solid delivery date yet, either, just that its on its way. Ugh. There was one more little bit of interpersonal garbage in the former city just before I left it. The one person I was kind of, sort of hanging out with went south sudden and quick. I can't say I was completely surprised (maybe the particular manner in which it reared its head, but that would be all) and not just because of jaded cynicism; there were enough hints that all was not entirely all right with said person, not enough to send me packing but enough that I was waiting for this, and here it is. This really was not such a big deal, no one I was close to, no one in a position to cause any actual damage, it was a snort and an eye roll and one more bad apple in the pile and how the hell do I keep meeting these idiots (oh right, because past a certain level of psychological brokenness these are the only sorts who will speak to you, and the misunderstood loner who is actually a decent person does exist but often seems the minority of the far fringe). A minor blip, but still, yet another one in a long series of the same. I am so, so, so very burned out. I almost didn't even bother with this bad apple because of said burn out, but gave it a chance and, well, here we are, again. Once more, the first instinct to avoid was proven to be the correct one. This new city is a different environment, in the previous I stuck out badly in all the wrong ways, brushed up wrong with everyone and felt intensely uncomfortable as a result, and it kept me from leaving the house for a long time. This is better in that I fade more into the background, if I open my mouth it won't stand out in any way, much less the wrong ways. In that sense, this city is an improvement, but that doesn't mean it extends any further than that. I even think about going out and trying to socialize, I heave a mental sigh and immediately feel tired, what sort of crap will this bring and its not worth it, not worth the headaches. This burnout would be less a big deal were this the first time it happened, or the last seven years of social isolation were it the only time such time period I got under my belt but its not, not at all. I've said to some people, only half joking, I might be able to psych myself up to try one more time to find some sort of place in the world that involves other people, but the third time I hit this state that will be it, I disappear into the hills and I don't come back. Half a joke, I do feel close (closer and closer) to giving up altogether, and becoming a strange hill hermit looking like the more logical choice. Moving has helped stir some hope in a few areas, but this hasn't been one. Apologies, just wanted to get that out. Next post should be better, throwing around ideas for the upcoming challenge.

I've been trying to think on how to answer this (and overthinking it, I'm sure). Fixing the diet was probably the biggest thing. Writing down everything I eat, keeping track of calories to get an idea of what certain foods are worth, figuring out what foods will allow me to eat at a lose a pound and a half a week deficit without starving myself (best thing about going paleo-ish). There's also been the side benefit of driving me away from certain desserts that I maybe once would've eaten, there is something about knowing that, say, two small cookies are very near as many calories as my entire breakfast that makes me not want to eat it. Getting as much added sugar out of my diet as I can. Fro exercise, when I hit that point that diet alone wasn't helping, being brutally honest about what I can expect from myself and setting very small goals to build on. As far as mindset, how I keep it going, its been a little harder to pin down, exactly.

And I'm back online. Don't have my stuff back yet, and unfortunate too. Sleep schedule didn't allow me to go out walking today, this is the sort of day I really need my treadmill, and I don't have it. I suppose I could walk back and forth across the apartment (there is room to do that now ), but I doubt I could do that for a great length of time or a great many miles. Hopefully it won't take another full week. But, walking results. Starting from the day of my last post: 3.7 miles 5.1 miles 2.8 miles 2.9 miles Not much today, yet... That five miles, was going to a small grocery store and back. Shortly after breakfast, by the time I got there I'd burned through all the calories I'd eaten that morning and then some, probably, needed to hunt around for something to eat, quick. Before if I did five miles it was a proper hike, and provisions were brought because of course they were, its a hike. You don't usually think, going to the grocery store, better pack some food and water. At least not where I used to live. Going to have to remember that, from now on. In excellent news, scale is reporting in a 177.4. Before, I'd considered it close enough to round down, but now I can officially say I've lost sixty pounds in one year. There is one full length mirror in the apartment (on the front door, no less), and I can see a huge difference even from October, which was the last time I was near a full length mirror.

All right, I'm back. Or sort of, since I don't have an internet connection quite yet, still a few days left for that. Arrived in one piece, somehow, and with most of my sanity intact. It was going well enough up until the end, when I got stuck on a train that was delayed by fifteen hours. Thank you, crappy weather. After a few hours of that everyone was angry, the train became a mess very quickly, it was unpleasant to say the least. I didn't sleep great, but it also could've been a lot worse, and I'm making up for it now. Food wise, ugh. My stomach was not happy with me that week. I couldn't use my apps to keep track of things, most of the trains I took had no wifi and passed through areas with no service. We were able to bring our own snacks, fruit, nuts, a few bars that are low in sugar and crap that I eat every now and then, and good thing too since just about all that was available for purchase was candy, chips and crackers. Breakfast was okay, eggs and meat was my usual, was missing fruit and yogurt and I ended up making up those calories with a croissant (ugh). Then there was dinner. Way overpriced for one thing, anywhere between $17 and $22 depending on what you pick. The healthy options were vegetarian, pasta and rice, so I didn't bother there (especially not with rice, my body doesn't seem to recognize it as food, it always leaves me hungry again an hour or two later), otherwise you were paying for a piece of meat and little to no vegetables. They were much more fond of potatoes than I am, the vegetable medley on offer was carrots and snap peas, two things I don't eat. To save money, I went with the cheapest option which was a hamburger, and got a salad with it, even though it was mostly lettuce leaves and one cucumber. I tried the first night to eat it without the bun, before realizing that I needed it for the extra calories, without it I was eating too light. So it wasn't as bad as it could be, my stomach was unhappy but I did lose another pound (181). First three days here have also been kind of light while we discovered grocery stores are pretty far away and the closest ones don't have a very big selection (signing up with a grocery delivery should help with that, we'll see tomorrow). I did see my mother yesterday for the first time in seven years. I had been concerned about doing so until I'd lost a sufficient amount of weight, I wasn't sure I should come back here until I'd dropped the full one hundred pounds, but sixty is good enough. She said I didn't look any different from how she remembered. Now, I had started gaining weight right before I moved further out, she'd noticed but didn't say anything at the time, I hadn't noticed then but having found one of the rare pictures I'd allowed to be taken of me then I can see it clearly. I'll take being back to where I was seven years ago. Now I got to get back into my good habits. I've walked a little all but yesterday when it was too cold to go out (I don't have the right clothing for this anymore, you'll have to give me a break). My weights will arrive when my furniture does, at the moment I don't have anything that can even substitute for weights. But I do have a new city to explore so I can continue walking until I can set up for something else. I realized that, after moving, I can legitimately add in a leaving your doomed hometown quest for the monthly challenge, continuing my weird Stereotypical RPG theme. It might not have been my hometown, but whatever, details. If I don't dive into the upcoming one, I'll do the one right after. Almost six days on the train is a lot, I want to make sure I've recovered enough before adding additional pressures, so I don't fail outright. I have a few ideas for things I want to add in, other improvements I've wanted to make, other things I wanted to work on. I've just moved across the country, what better time to start all that up, right?

Thanks. This would be the third time I packed up and moved some place with very little set up, looking to start over. Only this time I moved a lot closer to where I grew up, a place I couldn't get away from fast enough before. But its not the exact same place, and after living somewhere that was a little too different, something more familiar might be just what I need. I'm not sure how I kept the mileage up, but I'm glad that I did. Wish I could've fit in the bodyweight workouts as well, but one thing is better than nothing.

2.2 miles 4 miles 2.6 miles Well, this is it, my last night in this city, typing this from a hotel room with all my stuff en route. Its almost over and done with. Probably won't be on too much since I won't be walking a whole lot until I arrive. Wish me luck, that everything keeps going as smoothly as it has been.