Been quite awhile since I posted anything (almost a full month at this point) and honestly, it's been a pretty rough stretch. Boiled down, there was more sicknesss, mashed my toe with a 3/4" sheet of plywood (luckily didn't break it), a late night ER trip for kiddo which included an MRI, more sickness, and just all around lack of motivation for basically anything fitness related, mostly because my foot really flipping hurt up until about 3 days ago.
Overall, I've been really struggling to stay positive lately. Everything seems to turn my mind down a dark corner. Yesterday, it was the fact that kiddo didn't really want to eat dinner for the 2nd night in a row. Lunch and breakfast have been fine (for the most part), but after being sick last week, and now she's not eating dinner and not really pooping (which has been a thing for 12 months as the regimen of drugs she's on causes constipation), clearly, it can only be the worst of all worsts for me, that she's dying. Rationally, it just doesn't even make sense, and the second, I spend any time thinking through this scenarios, I get angry at myself for even thinking them, but yet these type of thoughts keep coming.
But, honestly, I feel like this negativity has branched across so much of my life lately.
For example, I've been struggling with finding connection with people around me. So often, I feel like my family's story pushes people away. We get to know people, and then finally drop the bomb on them about kiddo. You can literally see the thoughts run across their faces and you quickly find them not really wanting to talk about it, first, because they have no idea what to say (I don't blame them for that), and second, because they don't want to think about it happening to them. And then suddenly, the conversations moving forward are never very deep or engaging. It's depressing to know that my life story is depressing to other people.
At work, things are just blah right now. It's a great company, but I'm really in a position where I'm given almost no direction. I'm tasked with validating a few things every day and I do, but there's no long projects or anything big that I'm being given. I keep getting told I'm doing very important work and it's helping greatly, but it feels minimalistic and like I could be doing more. Yet, I don't seek it out, because I don't want to. Long term, I don't want to be in the tech industry, which I dive into more later.
I've been finding myself more and more frustrated with kiddo. Feels like I'm explaining the same crap over and over again. Dinner is always "please eat your food" and "sit in your chair properly". Bedtime is always "Please, kiddo. It's time to get pajamas on, not run around the house". All of these either lead to being ignored, which just irritates me to no end, or to her throwing a tantrum. And of course, going to one of the earlier points, my head keeps wondering how much all the fucking drugs we are pumping into her are changing her. Are they doing this or is she just being 4?
I've been struggling with my faith lately. I've been a Christian my whole life, and I still truly believe that something exists that created the universe, it's just too complicated to not be true in my opinion. But overall, I'm really struggling to see how it can be the "Christian" God. First, because there is so much shit in this word. If God truly is the definition of love, and God loves us, why is there this much shit? And I feel like I know the answers that are typically given, and I just don't like any of it. And if it's not that, then what if I'm wrong about the creator and life just ends when you die. The lights go out and no more. That's the fucking scariest fucking thing to me. You have this life, where it's all experiences and wonder and awe and pain and agony and then poof it's over and your dirt, and it doesn't fucking matter. Ugh...
Getting back to the idea of getting out of tech, I'm feeling more and more that tech really is driving seperation in our lives and I'm wondering if I really want to be part of the industry. For now, I'm basically stuck (in a way) because the health insurance is a requirement for ANY job, and the money is great for paying down the mortgage. But, tech just seems to drive wedges between us, or cause agony in our life in the name of convenience. On a semi-tangent, I think I'm going to fully shutdown my social media accounts soon. I've already deleted all the apps from my phone. Learning how these companies are designing these apps to be digital crack just makes me sick. The fucking likes and comments all just drawing you in, making you crave posting more and more. Scares me how easy I fall prey to that crap. Hence, I'm staying away as best I can for now. I'm torn between just leaving the accounts active and checking them on my computer periodically or just shutting them down for good. The feeling is fueled by FOMO definitely, but really, maybe that's just more of how they keep you there.
The whole social media thing really came to me after Saturday, where I helped my neighbor. I hesitate to even write this out rather than simply say I helped him with something not many people would volunteer for, but I guess I view this more as a semi journal that people can read over a system for likes. So my neighbor's wife had her 2nd stroke back in November. She's gotta re-learn how to walk and talk. It's not a great situation. Anyway, it was -5F (-20C for you intelligent metric people) out on Saturday, but he had to build this ramp since she won't be able to use stairs. I suited up in the winter gear and helped him build it for 3.5 hours. We used power tools. Drank a few beers. And we talked. We talked sports, and cars, and we even briefly lamented on the shit in our lives. And, it was fantastic. It truly felt like a connection to just be with another human and talk and help them. To know their shit, and know that he knows my shit and just be there for him. And when it was done, I found myself wanting to take a picture and share it on Instagram. It made me want to vomit as the thought crossed my mind. I wanted to share that story so I could get a bunch of likes for my helping this man and a bunch of comments about how it's too cold to be doing that. Sickening. But, on the positive, it was a fleeting thought. And honestly, I woke up Sunday feeling happier than I've felt in a long while.
Sorry for all the rambling. As you can tell, I'm not in the best of head spaces. But maybe writing this out will help. Who knows. There's a part of me that wants to do it, so I'm feeding the craving. I did finally get back in the gym last night, and developed a plan that I can stick to. For those following along, the workout was as follows:
Bench - 45/10, 95/5, 135/5, 185/1
Bench (w/ Slingshot) - 215/5 x 2
Bench - 160/5 x 5
GB Core Routine
GB Lower Body Routine
Overall, was a pretty easy bench day. Will probably bump the weights a smidge next week. Meant to get some pull-ups or chin-ups at the beginning, but just forgot until near the end, and the pull-up bar makes the floor squeak like crazy just under kiddo's room and she was long asleep. Anywho, I'll leave you with a quote from Mr. Martin Luther King Jr., who's birthday was celebrated yesterday here in the States. I hope the best for anyone reading this.