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Everything posted by Treva

  1. Thank you so much for chiming in. I am sorry I do not get over to your challenges as often as I would like. Night shifts do suck. A lot. Dislike. I am playing elder scrolls online! I really enjoy it, and it helps calm me down after a long day at work. That is really important to remember. Thank you. My weight is probably not a good time to turn off doctor brain. Doctor brain usually says "oh my god your BMI is normal, your lipids are great, your hemoglobin A1c is beautiful. You exercise??? You don't drink soda and watch what you eat? You eat vegetables willingly?". Doctor brain would probably be very happy with me as a patient and refer me to therapy because my schedule is going to make a normal human depressed. I have a lot to catch up on. I think the big thing is that I'm trying to prioritize my HIIT/combat nights because a 20 minute workout that can keep the weight off while I'm on rough months is going to be absolutely essential if I match to the specialty I want. I am keeping S&S, but I'm trying to aim for a HIIT workout 2-3x/week. I've also found that tracking my sleep while I'm on bad weeks is good to make sure I don't burn out. I think I do need 55-60 hours a week minimum to stay healthy. That's 8-9 hours a night, which sounds right. I've finally been able to schedule an appointment with dermatology. I'm really excited. I am practicing a lot more, which makes me happy. I have picked new pieces and even have a few I would feel comfortable using in public. I've gone back to choir practice too, and even though I'm not singing the voice part I like, I am singing at all. And I probably shouldn't make demands until I can commit to more rehearsals and Sundays. I am just glad that my playing is better. I still haven't heard back from the teachers I emailed, but I am telling myself this is my time to pretend I'm the only one who can make this perfect. It's changed the way I approach fingering and phrasing and my practicing. Work is going ok. My black cloud hasn't surfaced for a few weeks. Probably because I've been staying out of the hospital as much as possible. My research is back on track, and I found some lectures from an iconic pulmonologist that I can listen too. I've gone back to Crit Care Society evening lectures, and some local covid lectures too. I will eventually need to start studying for boards but that will come after I finish interviewing. The big personal accomplishment is that I went back to run a simulation code (cardiac arrest scenario). The last one I did was an absolute disaster; I was so nervous I couldn't even identify the rhythm. This time, I took charge of the code, and when we finished the preceptor talked about how impressive I was, and that I was a role model for my interns. Since he is one of our major resuscitationists, this made me feel a lot better about my skills and my life choices. It felt absolutely amazing, both being able to run a smooth badass code, and to have someone else see that I can do it. Being able to produce under that kind of pressure has been a challenge for me. I can do anything in a vacuum, but it's hard to do take charge around other people, especially in front of people who have more experience than I do. Now I can do it around attendings. That's huge for me. I can be a good intensivist. I know that now. It will take a lot of work, and I have so much to learn, but now I know I can do this.
  2. Thank you. I ended up leaving the team room for a few hours last night after my colleagues tried to get me set up on dating sites. We were at work!! Thank you for sharing the story. I know I like my space, but I would not do well being apart months at a time from someone I care about. This is good advice, and I plan to keep it in mind when I decide I am ready to date again. I am finding this more and more to be true. I am absolutely looking to find a community outside of work. It is nice to be friendly, but I want to move away from the "these are your best friends". We spend many hours together, but that doesn't mean they have to know a lot about me. I just finished an adorable pair of hedgehogs. I am going to do another pair for my mom's friend/my aunt. Mom says she loves hedgehogs, and it's time I come out of my shell for other people. ooOOOoof I am a terrible person on nights. Things I learned - I can eat healthy at work, and it doesn't have to take a lot of prep and planning. It does require disposable spoons and a fridge, though. - cardio is the first thing that suffers on nights because it is time consuming. Strength training is easier to budget in time for. - I still cry a lot when I am tired. Goals: S&S 3x/week - not met, 2/3 125 minutes of cardio (walk time/2)- not met, but at 100 and I did a lot of walking at work pilates/yoga 1x/week - Met Pool 1x/week, optional sub with S&S for shark weeks - Met Barbell squats 1x/week - Met Tabata/combat training 1x/week - Met Practice 150-200 minutes/week - Met at 155 minutes Sleep total - 55 hours/week - met at 56.5 hrs Video games - 20min/week - Met! I tried elder scrolls online this week and I really enjoy it. It's a soothing game I have been using to get myself calmed down for sleep, and it works great. I slept 12 hours after playing it the first time. Cross stitch - 1 session/week - not met Bonus actions: One interview this week - done! Set up practice time - I think I did this? I honestly cannot remember. Buy Holst transcription - done Unexpected bonus actions - buying elder scrolls online, which was wild - I found out my scale at home may not work. The scale at the gym reads me 3-5 pounds lighter than my home scale, which cannot be right. Either way, I think I have started losing the weight. Swimming always does that for me. - bought some new hair products. Finally think I have a potion combination that will work. incidentally, one is called "ego boost", which cracks me up. This week is mostly over, but will probably post a second check in on sunday? I think? I will be less delirious at some point.
  3. Ok, to wrap up the week Goals for this week S&S 4x/week* - Three completed due to travel and other shenanigans 125 minutes of cardio (walking time/2=adequate cardio addition) - completed for sure Pilates/yoga 1x/week - completed Pool 1x/week - completed Barbell squats 1x/week - completed Practicing 150-200 min/week - completed Video Games 20min/week - not completed Sleep total: 50 hours/week - Completed - major assist from being on vacation and sleeping much better when on vaction Go to Choir - completed. I didn't complete any bonus actions this week. I realized starting to date again when I don't know where I'll be next year is irresponsible. I still need to set up time to practice which will be a major goal for this week. I have one more week to buy the transcription I've been eyeing. I have not done as well with making time for video games or for relaxing. I want to be better about liberating time to not think about work and engage with communities that are not my colleagues. IT's unreasonable to expect for them to be my friends. Coworkers I can tolerate is a more reasonable assessment. I am pretty satisfied with this so far. I want to add more variety into my workouts, since I am enjoying different things and grouping the type of workout with how much energy I will have. I bought myself a calendar so I can stay organized with all my interviews and keep track of my sleep and exercise goals. Goals for next week Goals: S&S 3x/week 125 minutes of cardio (walk time/2) pilates/yoga 1x/week Pool 1x/week, optional sub with S&S for shark weeks Barbell squats 1x/week Tabata/combat training 1x/week - I found some videos from the london academy of fencing and Blood and Iron HEMA that offer solo drills and tabata/HIIT style training for those disciplines. Heres me bribing myself into working out because Swords again. Practice 150-200 minutes/week Sleep total - 55 hours/week Video games - 20min/week Cross stitch - 1 session/week Bonus actions: One interview this week Set up practice time Buy Holst transcription How to stop being angry and just function at work: stop assuming coworkers are friends, and assume they are people doing a job. (There is no family, there is only the force ) .
  4. omg I love this idea. New goal for this week. That's a fantastic idea. Thank you!! I missed the sword. And the baking. This week I went savory, and I'm excited to try a star wars recipe tonight (ronto tacos, but chorizo/pork fun things. I'm psyched. So so psyched to be cooking stuff). S&S 4x/week -4x 125 minutes of cardio (walking time/2=adequate cardio addition) : 100 min+90 min walking=145 Pilates/yoga 1x/week - DONE Pool 1x/week - DONE Barbell squats 1x/week - DONE Practicing 150-200 min/week - definitely done! Video Games 20min/week - did not do Bonus Actions: 1 interview this week - Did it! good start. Learned what I needed to work on in a safe-ish setting. Also, I hit my NNM (number needed to match, or the number of interviews needed to be reasonably assured one will match into my desired fellowship). Try to leave work before 11 PM once. - did it, regretted it. Will not do that again. Already told my program how bad the system is and that I cannot do with my colleagues. I handoff like every body else - safer, even - just one time, and then the patient needs their care escalated in the morning when the attending shows up. Never, never doing that again. Pick one: - Set up lessons - emailed today! God that was scary. - set up a dating profile - hang out with a work friend - tried but no dice - order new sheet music Overall I am pleased with my progress. It is still challenging to squeeze in the basics when I am home for 3+ days of the week, but it be what it be. The other issue is that I usually don't do S&S on swim day. In any case, this coming week I may not meet requirements because of holiday travels. I ran into an old music mentor today, and I was just glad to be enveloped into the fold like I never left - I was there for five minutes before he was like "can you page turn also choir?" and I'm like YES can all the things. Goals for this week S&S 4x/week* flexible due to travel for the weekend. 125 minutes of cardio (walking time/2=adequate cardio addition) Pilates/yoga 1x/week Pool 1x/week Barbell squats 1x/week Practicing 150-200 min/week Video Games 20min/week Sleep total: 50 hours/week Go to Choir Bonus Actions: 3 interviews this week Pick one: - set up a dating profile - set up a practice time on the organ next week (mah baybeeee) - order new sheet music
  5. I think it helps this week that I only had to be in the hospital for about 20 hours, and could work from home/was not scheduled to be in for 3 days this week, which was amazing. I also do not live with other people - I don't envy you having to keep up with the entropy generation of at least 3 humans! I do not know that I could keep anything in any state of clean, or prioritize my own health as much as I can right now. Also it is crazy to me that I was only in the hospital for 20 hours last week, when I also at times exist in the hospital for 28 hours. Can't process that fact. Summary of the last week - S&S 4x a week: 4/4 125 minutes of cardio: 115+80 of walking, so I think it counts. pilates/yoga once a week: Done Pool! once a week: Done Practicing 150-200 minutes a week: definitely >150 at this point 20 minutes of video gaming a week: done Bedtime at 10? 10 is great.: NOPE Bonus actions: - Squats! Done! - sword work and balancing done on my yoga/pilates day - Went home and kept baking. I am doing well, except for bedtimes. Bedtime is not expected to get better, now that I'm transitioned to evening shifts. This week will be a little more challenging to keep up with the minimums. Here are my goals for this week S&S 4x/week 125 minutes of cardio (walking time/2=adequate cardio addition) Pilates/yoga 1x/week Pool 1x/week Barbell squats 1x/week Practicing 150-200 min/week Video Games 20min/week Bonus Actions: 1 interview this week Try to leave work before 11 PM once. Pick one: - Set up lessons - set up a dating profile - hang out with a work friend - order new sheet music
  6. Haha I love that! glad I'm not the only one! I like to look up every few minutes and nod- it keeps me awake and makes everyone think I'm paying attention. We don't mask while physically swimming, but we do wear masks up until the point we get in or out of the pool. It's good that no one is into drowning. Checking in on my goals mid ish week? S&S 4x a week: 3/4, 4th planned today 125 minutes of cardio: 80+I think 40 of walking earlier this week. More planned today pilates/yoga once a week: Done Pool! once a week: Done Practicing 150-200 minutes a week: definitely >150 at this point 20 minutes of video gaming a week: done Bedtime at 10? 10 is great.: not quite making this, somewhere between 9:30 and 10:30, last night was an outlier because of work. Bonus actions: - going to hit the gym for hopefully squats! - sword work and balancing done on my yoga/pilates day - gave all my bakes away. Made many people happy - finally put in some maintenance requests/got my apartment into a state of Clean So far so good. It's been really nice to have a little extra time off. I'm looking forward to getting back to my research and going to interviews.
  7. That seems like a very efficient morning. Goals. oh boy. Good luck tackling the mold! Are you expecting any help from other household members?
  8. I don't know about you, but I am presently failing this one pretty badly. I am still not heading to bed until 11 ish, which is much too late. Thanks! oh boy us too. I really, really hope things are better by the spring. I would love to be able to have something that resembles normalcy. This is really helpful, and really wise. I appreciate your understanding very much. Honorably is the correct way to put it. The least emotionally expensive. It really only was 3-4 months of letting it fade, and now I'm much better about holding those limits. Thank you for supporting me. I appreciate it a lot. oooh I love that! especially the yarn. I have found following the country's zoos and national parks have also been therapeutic. Thank!!! Me too!!!! I will keep these things in mind as I interview. I just hope I get a few more!! Ok, taking a look at my goals from this week S&S 4x a week - MET 4/4 Weekly 125 minutes of bike cardio - MET165 minutes - 105 of bike+60 of walking Pilates/yoga once a week - MET 1/1 Practicing 150-200 minutes a week - MET >200 20 minutes of video gaming a week. - MET? I think I did this. Bedtime - lols no. So it was a little bit of a push, but I did all these things. I also spent a lot of time yesterday journaling out my feelings, and baking for about a week straight. That's helped me heal from the relationship. I have baked and written thank you notes and can deliver all of them tomorrow, still go to work, and still have time to get home in time for practicing and research, and self-learning. I am sure there is something I forgot to do, but I won't remember it now. I also took time today to work on a new study schedule that I can use at work. We get a one-hour lecture every day that isn't as useful for me. I am planning to sit in the back and work on flashcards or medication reviews for a more effective use of my time. I have a longstanding tradition of only half-paying attention in lectures; might as well stick to it. But the most important thing: The pool at my gym is back open!!! I am excited!! And I ordered some workout masks so I can keep going once or twice a week. I am really excited. I am going to keep doing the "minimums" with S&S 4x a week 125 minutes of cardio pilates/yoga once a week Pool! once a week Practicing 150-200 minutes a week 20 minutes of video gaming a week Bedtime at 10? 10 is great. Let's see how I do.
  9. I had thought about doing this month's challenge, but I'm a little behind and stuff at the gym won't open up until next week. So, for now, will do my own mini challenge to see if I can participate in the next one? That might be fun. Let's make sure I'm hitting my minimums. I'm going to evaluate S&S 4x a week Weekly 125 minutes of bike cardio Pilates/yoga once a week Practicing 150-200 minutes a week 20 minutes of video gaming a week. I can keep track of these in my anti-anxiety journal, which I want to do every night. I'm hoping to be able to stop everything at 9:30 and just take care of my brain. Here goes!
  10. I love the character growth!! Good for you!! You go glenn coco!! Did I meme that correctly? ohhhh no. This was bad last time if I remember right. Good luck with that one! Let us know how it goes!
  11. I love that the cruise is requiring vaccinations. That is so great. Just, just so great. I hope you enjoy all your travels! Looking forward to hearing about them!
  12. I can't even remember what sort of structure I was using before, because that was almost two months ago? Something like that. It's been a long set, between getting through the unit, new interns, and then back on the unit with new interns, which was a learning experience for all involved. This year's class has a much steeper hill to climb because of how short their clinicals were. Because covid. So there's a lot more to teach, and a lot more patience required. Working out: the gym is back open (yay!) and I just bought myself some new workout masks from underarmour. #frontlinediscounts. I am sticking with simple compound workouts. S+S plus One Other Thing (pilates, barbell squats, or Arms Circuit) plus 20-30 of cardio. When the pool opens, I want to go back. I also found that getting as much sleep as humanly possible for recovery is really important. I am getting better at sleeping. This is a lot easier when I work a normal schedule. And not 28s. Academics: Work's ok. See above. everyone is burned out. I finally got some publications through, so now I can focus on a few other projects. I took on too many, so now I am trying to catch up. Still taking time to do lectures weekly, and trying to get up early in the mornings to read or learn a new fact. I fell off the bandwagon with "write down one thing you learned " when I hit the unit. Lots of things fall off when I hit the unit. Applications are in. Gonna see where things land. I'm off to a strong start. Personal: so no lie, I stopped posting for a while because public perception of what is going on is rarely matching what we're seeing in the hospital. Frankly, if I have to deal with one more anti-vaxxer I'm gonna throw myself out a window. I've heavily restricted my feed to only my colleagues or food blogs. I can't tell you how many times I've walked away from science arguments in public because I'm just done trying to change people. We've said in public health for a long time, you can't fix stupid. You can get vaccinated and live, or you can not get vaccinated and be really dead or in the unit. It's pretty simple. Enough ranting. Also things with the human ended multiple times, in multiple painful ways, and I haven't wanted to tell anyone because the "I told you to break up with him three months ago" doesn't make me feel better. I stuck with him because he needed someone and he was going to break down if left alone. Screw me if I decided to be kind. I've picked up practicing again, made overtures to try and find a teacher. no luck yet. But at least I'm setting goals, making progress on pieces, getting out in public to play more often. Whelp, to be totally honest, don't have a whole lot of hope for the future to get better. Just maybe going to be a different location where everything remains on fire. But it's ok, I'm not dead, my apartment is clean, I have weekends!!!!!! A whole month of weekends!!!! God what an amazing thing. Weekends. Two whole days off in a row. and maybe I made a difference in someone's life in the last 18 months. But I'll be here, practicing and studying and working out. Back to the trenches, I guess. If I'm going to set a goal, its to find things that refuel me. Not sure what that looks like anymore. Or if I find it, if I'll have time for it.
  13. Wow, thank you very much for dropping by and giving the positive reinforcement!! It is very appreciated. I am sorry it has taken me so long to get around to writing a reply. July is New Docs month, and I have been getting the very very green interns adjusted. They have probably had the least clinical training of anyone coming into residency in some time, so they have a very steep learning curve to accomodate. Blah blah, I am sorry I have taken so long to thank you for writing. Yes. The piano is actually broken at work! So I have not even been playing there anyways. I have been making progress on my own stuff, which makes me happy. This is a very positive view. Thank you. The outside reinforcement is incredibly helpful for my poor beleaguered brain. Another thing I ended up being stuck with is some inadvertent intermittent fasting, because the needs of the new trainees are so great I could not leave the unit. So that helped with my appetite too. I am glad you think so. It makes me feel better. Thank you for this perspective, it actually has helped me a lot over the last couple of days. Eating the chocolate I need to maintain sanity is a good way of thinking about it and looking at what I need to do for myself. I need to be able to have hot chocolate with alcohol every night so I can sleep, so making sure I make room for that in my diet is probably important. I did select my goal weight based on that. You make a very good point, that there is a new level of cosmic stress that is keeping those extra 3-5 pounds on, that I would love to lose but just can't seem to peel off. It's the cortisol. that is a good point. Maybe I should put my scale in the closet for a while, and focus back on fitness and sanity instead of the numbers (which are driving me crazy). Also, not getting sleep probably isn't helping me in meeting my goals - either from the functional fitness part or the weight loss part. Thank you thank you! In other news, the human and I split so. That was a thing. It was a little hurtful. Also new interns and new fellows. Hooooboy the chaos. Sure! If it is not a hassel to try things, I would love to know what worked for other people! As long as it would not trouble Elf. Thank you for asking!! I am applying for fellowships in pulm critical care. It is...going. Nervewracking, but going. It would be another 3 years of training, but I want it very badly. It is weird, that I want something this badly. Applications went live a few weeks ago, and I have a couple of interviews already, which is nice. Thank you for sticking around. It really does mean a lot to me. I haven't updated in a while because work has been quite busy, hopefully will have a moment soon to recoup and recover and figure out what the heck has gone on in the last month and a half.
  14. Hey, thanks for chiming in. I'm really glad you've found a macro range that works for you, and for what it's worth, labeling a macronutrient as "bad" doesn't seem to have panned out well in the science. I hope you get towards the physique you want with your cuts and workout plan! I've been calorie counting for >10 yrs, using variants on TDEEs, playing with macros for probably the last 3+years, and combining a few of the most recently studied diets. I usually don't end up posting them here. My biggest barrier to weight loss is that most TDEE calculators and macros don't account for my day-to-day activity accurately.
  15. Thank you for chiming in!! I appreciate you visiting, and congratulations on your weight loss! What strategies have you tried, and what are you using right now?
  16. Early? Weekly wrapup. I have the time today, so I am using it. Goals follow up - Listen to 1 lecture and take notes: I listened to three! - Finish metronome work on the bach trio- still time, almost there -Finish my research stupid just needs final review and then done - start research talk - still to do -Make postcall cinnamon rolls - doing today for tomorrow yumminess. - keep working out in whatever way I am able to - I am sure getting my steps in at work. Hydrating: I switched units again. I need to get myself hydrating again. Weight loss: I am just less hungry these days, which is probably a good thing. Overall I am eating less for some reason, but drinking a lot more water. We will see if that makes a difference. Fruits and vegetables: 5+ Bread carbs - 2 Proteins - 4-5 High sugar foods - 2 I think this is an ok balance. That is usually what I need for weight loss. The only thing I can cut at this point is dessert. Meditation: goddammit. I fall into bed so tired most of the time I don't even get around to it. I need to link it with exercise again. I still need to practice more this week, start my research talk, and make cinnamon rolls for myself. I can almost certainly get all that done today.
  17. Weekly wrap up New trainees this week. I think I am still stressed, and I missed one or two things this week. I am trying to be better. Hydrating: going well. A new trainee and I are both health nuts, and it has been helping to have someone on the same bandwagon as I am. Weight loss: I was thinking today that even though there are a lot of things about my health that I can't control, these are probably the same for a lot of people, and I shouldn't stress out too much over the things I cannot control. I can control how efficient I am during the day, what time I go to bed, how much water I drink. I can't control how hungry I feel. I think that's important for me to recognize. Meditation: still bad at this. Will keep trying to make time for it before bed. I guess the good news is that I'm usually so tired I pass out the minute I hit the pillow. I am practicing more; even if it's 15-20 minutes at the end of the day, I'm finding I can get home at 7 or 8 pm and still get in s&s, techniquework, and skincare. My at home studying has been suffering since february, mostly because I have had to devote extra time to applications and research. something came up at work that I should have known about but ran out of time to listen to the podcast. I really want to make time for lectures and learning, but it's hard to carve away that space. Even an hour. Maybe I will try to just pick a lecture a week or something to listen to. The team loved the lemon bars. I bought myself flowers for reasons. the human and I need to have a talk. I am not as upset about this as I used to be. Goals for this week - Listen to 1 lecture and take notes - Finish metronome work on the bach trio - finish my research stupid - start my research talk - make postcall cinnamon rolls - keep working out in whatever way I am able to each day
  18. Weekly wrap up Talk to my attending: did not, because shenanigans. I may just email tonight because I am so heck tired and I am too chicken to ask in person Not ordering crappy food: I ordered chipotle, because I know what those calories are and I can control "portions" a little better. I counted it out and the salad that I got is around 450 calories, which is right for a dinner on a 28. Meditate: started this. Feeling better. Hydrate: also started this. also feeling better Identify road blocks to weight loss: inconsistent schedule leading to inconsistent diet and training. Stress leading to poor sleep, probably wacky hormones, and not helping myself with weightloss. I still want to think more about this one too. Do I eat too much chocolate? Probably. Is that my only vice? I drink zero calorie sodas because I need the caffeine, and I eat a few pieces of chocolate every day. Sometimes a small dessert, like a lemon custard cup with some warm skim milk. That's it. So the inability to lose weight is probably coming from my actual lifestyle, which, to be honest, is not going to get better. Out of morbid curiosity I'm interested to see if a health coach can actually offer anything. The answer will probably be no. Something has to give, and other people's health trumps mine right now. I reorganized my apartment a little bit this week, which has helped me feel more efficient. I baked lemon bars to bring in to the team. I'm working on getting my hair less frizzy, changed out some of my skincare products and am sticking with an adapalene gel that has helped me in the past. I still feel overwhelmed by a lot of what I need to get done for work and the upcoming application cycle, but I am starting to make progress.
  19. So, while I would like to join up on the recent PVP, since I would like to lose 6 pounds in 6 weeks, I am definitely not comfortable posting my weight. So for now, keepin on doom blogging into the void. At work: I was able to start handling some more critical care stuff and you know what? nobody died. In fact, my workup and diagnostic acumen was spot on. So I was like, ah yes, I have achieved some level of badassery. That is pretty damn cool. I have essentially gotten started on the very long road, which is nice. I am still a little annoyed that I haven't lost as much weight as I want to, but I also respect that I am pre-shark week, and I am 3 pounds down from last month's pre-shark week weight, which is probably a good sign of weight loss. I'm gonna keep on roastin them veggies, but I think I need to work on my portion control. Personal life continues to be sh*t , but you know what, I am ignoring it. It's not there right now. Just going to let everything burn. Breakfast and espresso before work, even if I have to get there at 6:30, has also been a game changer. I am so much more awake and alert and my plans are much better. I feel much more confident and I interact with attendings in a more positive and constructive way. I am cranking through the research still. It is feeling very overwhelming, so I have been doing a lot of mirrors edge catalyst. highly recommend. I am still not meditating. Goddammit. I am also still bad at hydrating at work again. I am making decisions!! at work!! that aren't wrong!! god it's amazing!!! I am returning emails regularly. Good job self, overcoming communication anxiety. I still have it, but I am managing it better. Right now I just want to identify roadblocks to weight loss. After that, I will identify solutions. I will also plan to go to the gym sometime in july to reactivate my membership and ask them when they will open the pool again. I want to swim again. I know I lose weight when I swim. I recently started taking B12 and vitamin D, and I have felt a huge difference in my mood. ' Goals for this week - Talk to my attending - don't order crappy food when on call - meditate - hydrate - identify road blocks to weight loss.
  20. It feels like a hot minute since I last posted, but honestly probably not. I stopped playing piano at work in favor of getting home earlier for more quality organ time. I got sick of being bothered while trying to play. The diet revamp has worked out, I think. I'm down a couple of pounds. I haven't stopped baking sweets, but keeping lots of healthy snacks with me at work has been a solid good. I have still been roasting stuff in the oven, which is a game changer. I've added in small potatoes as my starch instead of bread or pasta, and it keeps me less hungry after dinner. And weirdest of all, waking up to have breakfast before I rush into work puts me a little more on my game. I drink my espresso before I go to work so I'm a little more awake. Still struggling with anxiety. I think it is because first day in a new place always makes me anxious. I also have a lot of background stuff going on. I haven't meditated, and I haven't used my journal in a while. I've ben getting pretty bad headaches, and I feel like my personal life is s**t right now. Workout life is ok, music life is pretty good, work life is stressful, and personal life is crap with a veneer of sanity or something overtop. I'm keeping it together. I'm just tired too. Today was double stressful because I had research meetings, and I'm overdue for a bunch of work documents that I legitimately tried to do today, even though the server kept crashing. Anyways. Time to turn on something funny and get back to work Goals for this week/two weeks - continue to have breakfast before work - either meditate, journal, or both at night. no excuses. I have five minutes, I can meditate - return all emails within 24 hours, or as they come in and Do Not Stress about the language - make decisions at work. Don't hedge, don't fret. Identify the problem, algorithm to solution, modify based on current factors. - hydrate goddammit.
  21. Been a few days overdue to posting, but here we are. I've substituted my decon time with an extra 30 minutes on the piano at work. I still hate it when people try to talk to me for more than 5 minutes. I came to play, not to chat. A little frustrating. I revamped my diet again, ish, and overall is more veggies with protein, and legume and veggie based carbs for the most part, very little added sugar. Buying my celery sticks precut really helps. Roasting everything in the oven at dinner time means I can get all my meals made/prepared for the next day in 20 minutes, and then I save a bunch of time for self care and practice. I liked the internal/external change model to keep myself motivated initially and overcome some mental blocks. Now I am moving towards setting tasks for the day, the week, and the month. Goals for this week: Internal change: don't be anxious when talking to bosses at work External change: drink more water
  22. Well, I gave myself a break from no facebook no extra scrolling, and I found that I really don't need to scroll any more than I usually do. I realized I am angry less because I am looking at facebook less, and there is less of the "woe is me" in my life from people who don't matter. I haven't found great resources for how to talk to patients about toxic body positivity yet. i haven't found a lot of resources on toxic body positivity; which is a little frustrating. I am not practicing consistently enough. I really really need to build consistency; my history of discipline is there, I just need to prioritize it. My bosses are encouraging me to not overwork myself with the extra research projects. Maybe now is a good time to build some consistency. Major Changes I realized tonight that the act of practicing is not necessarily selfish; I do it to be better and to be a better person. By working on myself, I can be a more positive force for change in the community, and I can bring better music to people. Just because I enjoy it doesn't make it selfish. I am not going to decon after work unless I am on a covid service. I am going to aim for after work piano practice for 30 minutes, 45-60 minutes of working out, and 45-60 minutes of organ practice. I will be flexible with the piano practice; if I'm leaving work after 530PM, I'll toss it. Secrets to making this work: Minimizing Meal Prep. I can use pre-prepped lunches and easy-prep dinners to keep me from having to spend a lot of time in the kitchen.
  23. Weekly Wrap Up: Internal Change: I have not been meditating on things that make me angry, because I am not angry. Interesting. External change: I think I have practiced for an hour at some point this week. I am practicing about 20-30 minutes a night consistently, which is good. Homework Goal: I got up to date on India, a little, and am reading about some of the things I can do to help. It is more active than thoughts and prayers or sending money. This is cool. Relaxation Goal: going to play video games tonight with pizza and maybe a smol alcohol. I have been beating up on myself to lose those "last five pounds" for several months now. I had the opportunity to do an exercise cardiac and pulmonary stress test today, which I did. It turns out I am in very good shape, with numbers consistent with recreational or regular athlete and am very energy efficient. My anaerobic threshold is consistent with an athletic male, so as a "non-athletic" female who thinks she still has a few more pounds to lose, this is very cool. The best part is that my insides are all not ischemic and work like the machine I have been hoping they would. So I may not look like much but I guess I've got it where it counts. I never planned on being an elite athlete, but having this reassurance that what I'm doing works, is really, really nice. For next week, I want to look into toxic body positivity. I want to tackle that.
  24. I bit off more than I could chew today. A lot of laundry, had planned to mop, all that kinda fell by the wayside. Was too late at work as well, everything just seemed to take too long. I'm still waiting for my laundry to dry so I can go to bed, but even if I pass out at 10 PM, that's still 9 hours of sleep I can log. easily. I'm writing this instead of doomscrolling. I still think stopping looking at facebook feeds has been healthy. I realized I wanted to post things in response to other people, because I couldn't stand their feeds. No feeds, no posting. I think I feel a little defeated too because I'm behind on doing the things I normally do, like homemade jam. I am also realizing it is completely bonkers to expect myself, a resident in an apocalyptic style pandemic, to still have the time to make homemade jam and ciabatta every two weeks. Everything I expected of myself was bonkers. Seven research projects, work, and studying for step, AND practicing. God. Crazy. I still need to fold laundry. I guess I can do that. I had a really nice talk with one of my attendings today about toxic body positivity and how we are supposed to talk to patients about their weight when they want to fire us for bringing it up, and we riffed on motivational interviewing. I need to look more into that. Anyways, I realized I can change if I feel brave enough. So Tl;dr I got some B12 and Vitamin D because we talked about how bad my SAD can get and how much better it is with aggressive lighting. Maybe I'll feel a little more energetic in a few weeks. For now, no more doom scrolling, do laundry instead.
  25. I don't think I got to any of my goals this week. I am going to reset and try them again for this upcoming week. For some reason things were busier than expected.
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