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About Pyralis

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  1. Maybe that's lame and too easy but can you just pick a scene that interests you for whatever reason and write that scene? And if it's just a test and you totally rewrite that later because the context changes. At least it's writing and dabbling with the characters and finding out more. Especially as pantser, or plontser, I feel it's important to connect with the characters and story to get a feeling for them, and the more written, the better. You could also try, I always think I will do that but then I never do, filling out a character sheet, like their biography, if you haven't already, or pick those super open end prompts and write it for a character/from their perspective. Hm, and maybe that's just me, even though our art teacher gave us the advice to pour a bit coffee on an intimidating white paper before drawing - I can thrive better in environments that are "draft-y", and in time slots that are not huge. For example if I have this perfect, nice program that provides tons of structure and I have 5 hours in front of me for writing, I will squirm on my seat, keep getting up, search for hours for the perfect music, and then don't get it done. I just wanted to write how it's easy to quickly write inbetween in an ugly notebook or in Wordpad, but I would be lying. It's not easy. It's also hard, but the first option stated is harder for me. Maybe do try to write per hand though if you aren't trying already. Or a change of scenery. I just recently started carrying around a tiny notebook, something I've wanted to do forever, to jot down ideas as they come. Let's just write, without judgement. Just focus on the activity. I think the one thing that really gets me to do something is finding a detail about it that absolutely thrills me and thriving off that. There is still always temptation to save that spark for later though, because thinking about it already excites and then it fizzles out before it's used. Edit: Didn't check out the snowflake method, will do now
  2. Sometimes you do make ripples. Sometimes it's just other people preferring you to stay silent or scared to make ripples themselves, so they perceive you as making them and it makes them uncomfortable. What you write about words being your weapon reminds me of a sentence I recently read: Sounds like you know exactly what you need right now.
  3. Ohhhh. Good idea and great you're going to participate (officially) again. How will you go about it, I mean, plotter or pantser? Do you notice a difference afterwards? Good luck with the challenge and ofc the writing!
  4. This sounds so paradoxical because you felt you had to hound her for information but yet she felt like you didn't reach out enough. Kinda crazy. Not you or her, the situation. Reminds me of a friend who later said she was disappointed with me because in a time when she was very depressed, I did not force her like another friend did. Like, force her out of the house, force her to group therapy. Well, "force", convince. I was a bit speechless because for me, the other friend who "forced" her always seemed very intrusive for my taste. It was exactly what she needed, but I wasn't close enough to her to intrude in this kind of way. I did visit her on her birthday with a present, and checked in on her, and I was also fending off this other friend who tried to force his self help stuff on me. Everybody has a different perception, no wonder these things can be so difficult. Was it weird for you to hear it though? That she feels you do not reach out enough? What you describe, and the control he had - I think it's easy to fall for this kind of stuff, even though later, when out of these kind of relationships, we might think: Wow. How could that ever happen? Had a narcissist male friend when I was in my early 20s, and when I later read my journal entries of that time.. the stuff I tolerated. I feel like after such a relationship/friendship, you refine your senses and things you watch out for, and you might not fall again for the very blatant stuff, but it's still easier than thought to fall for it. Sometimes I wonder if it is a trauma thing, like this: Like, you have this elaborate alarm system maybe after such an experience but someone can manage to push the right buttons and AGAIN you find yourself entangled with someone like this. I had to force myself very hard to cut contact immediately at first signs even though I liked people (usually men) and understood them, but had to learn to trust my experience and leave it be, knowing it wouldn't get better over time. Sometimes I wonder if my bf is a covert narcissist. Sometimes I wonder if I am a narcissist. The therapist told me, I hope I am not repeating myself, that my bf's way of simply not doing things is one of the most powerful demonstrations of ... power. And it's true. Even though he might not be actively DOING something, he is deciding like this what we do and what we don't do. This is so relatable! Do you think he preyed on you and did this on purpose? I have no idea if my friend back then did (we were very close but never sexually intimate or in a relationship, yet together all the time), knowing someone in their early 20s would not reject him like an older woman seeing right through his bs would. He kept having a tendency to befriend younger women and trying to leech off of them, so I think there definitely was some calculation on his part, as well as moving very fast, bonding strongly and early, and I, stupid as I was, TOLD him that I didn't have many friends and experience and all. I just know that I could never behave this way towards younger, inexperienced friends, could never take advantage like this. Again, I understand you so well! The anger I know myself. I found myself being angry after the friendship ended and before it ended (I tried cutting him off twice before I did for good, both times he lured me right back in with promises and said he had gone to therapy and would change, only to throw another tempter tantrum in the car while driving, having me fear for my life (again). And after a relationship where the guy completely leeched off me (a different one) and mistook me for his mom, I found myself angry as well. And yes, I know those people who do not interfere. Even my parents did not. They did not even think it's weird that her 21yr old daughter has a 35yr old guy attached to the hip. They even said we might be like Harry and Sally. YUCK. When I told them later what he said and did and how he threatened and endangered me and his violent fantasies and all, they simply said.. nothing. Only "Good you cut him off". Until this day I find myself scared he might still think of us. He has wrote mails and sms once or twice the last years, trying to provoke reaction. Do you know the book "The gift of fear" ? It helped me tremendously. Not typing my experience to divert, btw, just want to say: I can relate. It was different, sure, but I appreciate you sharing this and I think getting out of this, even if it required moving, which I can fully understand as well, was the best thing for you. And so happy you found a new relationship where it all is much easier! Does your ex still reach out? And did you talk these things through with Dave? Yeah, it's not like that. The thing is - when you have been in bad relationships, you tend to see everything that is not as bad as good. Even when it is not even that good. And we had those "clicked into place" moments, too. But maybe it was me overrating a lack of abuse. I felt great in the beginning with my bf because I felt he wasn't judging and constantly teasing and making me feel wrong. Around the time we met, I had met another guy that I cut off shortly after because he was negging me all the time and despite liking him (you know, I like the challenges and the difficult people because the drama is interesting and I have to force myself not to waste my time with that), I decided "Nah, never again". I thought maybe the a bit boring time with my - then new - bf was HEALING and that I had now changed with my partner selection. We did not have good and interesting talks but we did things together. The latest ex who leeched off me had always talked a lot and made promises, my bf seemed like the opposite, and the opposite seemed good. But now.. An hour ago I tried initiating a conversation about what we want in life because it is something I am very busy with atm thinking about and trying to figure out and I was just in general harping on about how the universe doesn't simply assign you stuff, and how that is a good thing, then how can you want something and freely decide with your free will what you want, if it gets assigned from above, but how I wished back then someone would just assign me my life purpose. And how therapists also can't do this for you and it's always work and this is good because can you take someone seriously who doesn't know you and tells you what to do and what is right? Nah. I thought the topic would be interesting for him because he's considering therapy and said he didn't like that our couples therapist didn't engage him more. I said it's not how it works, you have to do the work and engage the therapist, you have to be active, you want something, and you "use" the therapist to help you, the therapist isn't interested in making you like this or that. He looked at me dumbfounded. As always. It's not like I dumped the whole paragraph from above without a break on him. I tried to engage him. Nope. I mean, I said I was harping on, but usually there is no reaction, then I say it differently, wait, no reaction or acknowledgement whatsoever, etc.. Why do I even still say something? OHHHHHH I just had an epiphany again. If you never react and this has the other person harp on, the other person is the bad guy. Again. Doing things to you. Furthering strenghtening this dynamic. I SHOULD shut up. Then he stuttered and mumbled some agreement. Okay, to be fair, he is working. I do not understand how your mind can be SO FULLY occupied ALL THE TIME that you can't think about anything else in some spare 5 minutes but fine. Even when we are walking somewhere or grocery shopping and talk about this kind of stuff he suddenly gets so INVOLVED with a branch on the way and carefully stepping over it, or an item in the store, that I wonder, bro, is this really using up all your brain capacity right now that you can't follow a simple thought train? I feel wrong. I even wondered if I am just autistic and infodumping my sh*t on him. He's the poor victim, of course, and overwhelmed by my constant demands of having conversations other than "what do we eat today", "have you closed the bedroom window", "i am going for a walk". And this is the devilish thing about our relationship. He's not OPENLY abusive. I can't make him the bad guy. Then it would be easy. Maybe I am the bad guy here. Sometimes i wonder if I am trying to villainize one of us so I can finally make the decision to get out. This is not directed to anyone specific so do not feel like you need to read it or react. In fact, I do not expect responses ever, even though I am happy when someone does, of course ❤️ ------ Tomorrow is our anniversary and I do not have a thing for him. 5 years. Didn't feel like dealing with it and buying him presents he then ignores. Something he does as well. Ignoring presents. Pretending nothing is there. I asked him recently why he does it and he said: "I thought it was gonna be a surprise and I wasn't supposed to see it and I didn't want to ruin it" I said: "Sure. In all those occasions where I put it openly for you to find on your desk/bed/etc., it was always something I accidentally did and you didn't want to ruin the surprise. Gotcha" He said he doesn't know why he behaved the way he did. Maybe it IS all just a giant misunderstanding where someone is insecure and the other interprets is as constant disinterest. This is not unlikely. But jeez. Am I the insecure guy rehabilitation center? I am ALSO insecure and have to deal with it. Since when is that a reason for everything and anything? At least you could voice it. I will not ramble on and go to my riding lesson now. Take care.
  5. Sitting together in silence is also nice, though. We often do talk about this and that. It's just with important topics, or anything beyond smalltalk, he never seems to have an opinion and just parrots what I say. If even he told me he's not interested. Right? I recently thought I would like to be a therapist working with clients and horses. I bet it pays well. But horses are expensive. And I have zero qualifications. Luckily in my company it's ok to have this attitude, as long as you do your job well enough. I still have this idea that something I spend so much time a day doing should be more fulfilling. The part about writing gave me an idea - often for these kind of jobs, you need to hand in something you have written. That is actually doable. Often I think I would like to apply to x job but do not have a portfolio and don't see myself making one. Even for jobs I could totally do, like some photo editing, I'm pretty good with Photoshop and could easily work somewhere pushing pixels, but I do not have a portfolio. I do it for fun in my free time, and I have lots of experience, but I never bothered to do it "for real" to show around, and whenever I thought about it, I thought "ugh". A friend suggested to create fake merchandise for a fake brand for a portfolio to get into this kind of job, but I simply don't want to. Writing though is actually doable, especially if it is something interesting. I could check for jobs requiring something written. Thanks for that! I mean, obviously thanks for your whole reply, to all of you! Think it would make a difference and I'm not over it yet. We do talk a lot recently. I think the point is that I feel hurt that he doesn't seem willing to face the issues we have. That he refuses to hear and see that it hurts me, and in the long run, us, when he isn't willing to stand up and deal with things. He tried to describe to me yesterday how I had written so much during the therapy and he read it and didn't know what to do with it, and first I couldn't understand why not, when it dawned on me: Because he's taking the role of the co-driver. It's like in work situations when you are below someone and are waiting for them to process information and do the work. You observe, you might even understand what is being said, but since you are not responsible, you do not channel the info into action, and therefore also do not proactively tackle the task. If you alone were responsible for the result, you would maybe ask questions, read the information provided differently, and try to make out next steps for your actual action. My bf is behaving like the relationship is done to him, not like he actively shapes it. Therefore he doesn't go into situations like he actually decides anything or needs to come up with an action. It's just thrown at him and he sits there and shuts down in defeat. He said he had the impression me and the therapist wanted to just scold him. I said NO, I was waiting for you to step up and step in and say something and deal with what was said, not collapse in silence. No idea if he got it. If he gets it. My main goal is not to invest too much, as I said.. Money, time. Put it on hold for a bit. lol my favorite counter argument (he did not bring but I was expecting) would be: What if I threw all of this at you? What would you do? Wouldn't you be overwhelmed? Nah. It would be like finding water in the desert. I'd look up into the sky, tears of gratefulness rolling down my face, raise my hands and shout: OH THANK YOU. thank you for this gift of information I can actually do something with!!! Please. Give ME MORE INFORMATION. I see, and I get it. It can be hard to reach out, especially if you do not feel the need to communicate all the time. I think what we tend to forget is that it can hurt people we like because it might be perceived as not being interested in them and what they're up to. But of course it also depends on how invested we are in each other's lives. And how people react when you reach out. Some reply in this way that you can not reply to. Like wishing you a nice day after 1 sentence. Or using 1 word replies. Is this a hint? I am never sure if I am not getting hints or am overreacting and overinterpreting. It's text, after all.. Kudos to you for working on this, btw! it's good to read your perspective! Do you remember how? The words you chose? The situation? Hmmm. There is this thing I do not understand in general: Why it is a big deal for so many. I always liked to chat and talk and the back and forth. Didn't need to be with close friends even. But many people are so overwhelmed by this. I get that it is not feasible for most people who have otherwise busy lives. But I also do not get why most people do not seem to be interested in conversations in general. Another phenomenon I do not get is when you have fun talks with someone and they seem to have fun and you go way over the time, so that I even already feel a bit uncomfortable in the end because they do not stop talking and it's late, and then they never contact you again. I've learned that usually people do not have issues with others but themselves, but we project it on ourselves and feel hurt. Like the friend you mention who had an issue with herself and you felt rejected and took it personally (like everybody would). It's just this pet peeve of mine that I simply do not understand how people tick, why they're cool and easygoing but then never interested in me anymore. I also know it's normal when you leave a school, job or any other situation where you were forced to deal with certain people and friendships form, these friendships often do not last. But I also know many people in their 30s report it's very hard to find friends, and it's hard to not think bad about yourself when you keep trying to be open and social despite the setbacks and still people hardly reciprocate. That group from the vacation, a whatsapp group was created, the first 2 days we were writing this and that there, horse and riding related stuff, now it is silent. Why? Do they not care for horses or riding anymore? Do they not want to talk about it? Doesn't look like it. But they seemed so super invested during the course. Now I and another woman are the only people still invested in this and interested in the group members. I've already accepted it and do not write there anymore, but understand it I can not (is that even proper structure of a sentence?) Do you care to elaborate? Were you living together? And why wasn't it as emotional as you thought? Maybe it is necessary for me/us that we get over this. Clearly our relationship dynamic is unhealthy. I managed to mother someone again despite me not wanting to do it anymore. I am bored by being passive. I hate waiting for others. Maybe it's time for us to deal with this and develop ways together to function differently. I still want to keep dropping the reins for a while and see what happens. Maybe this doesn't help me personally at all because with another person I would not have these issues. But maybe I would. Thank you for your kind words, I am not cutting everyone off but I know it sounds like it. But even if I did - I am used to being alone anyway. This sounds bitter, but is not meant this way. I've been very fine all on my own for years and if this relationship reaches a point where I feel more content alone, I will go back to it.
  6. @Elastigirl Hm, no. I think if you really want to connect with someone, you do so. If not, you do not. Often people when I contact them tell me this story about how they thought about me often and wanted to contact me but didn't, and I think, cool story. But you didn't. Period. Why are you on the non initiating side? It's not like I talk to people ALL THE TIME, I just notice there is a trend that I'm usually the one contacting others. I tried during the camp to drop it and it worked just fine, suddenly they were initiating conversations with me. With the relationship, I have no idea how it will go. There's a chance he will see it as punishment when I do not step in to pick up the slack as usual. But, to quote a friend here, then I've done all I could. The therapy has now officially ended. The therapist asked if we want to continue, I said, I don't, my bf said he doesn't know yet, then he simply never replied or even opened the website ever again. Nice move. As always. I think actions speak louder than words. He's showing clearly what he wants or does not want. I should take it just as he shows it. Currently channeling her energy https://youtu.be/zi8ShAosqzI?t=9 I'm so glad I took this course, it was such a great week, had tons of energy and it was fun. I'm getting more lessons now on Icelandic horses and it's a wave of fresh air in life. My whole life feels like a dead end currently though. I discovered that I do not care about IT, development work, coding and all of this. I do not want to create websites, I don't want to be IT project manager, I don't care about ITIL, app lifecycles, databases, querys or how the internet works. I don't want to learn about it. It's boring af. Kinda annoying I sank almost 7k into this bootcamp. But at least, now I know. I think it's fine to have a job you don't care for, at least I do not need to pretend anymore it's something like my secret passion because it is really not. When I read job offers alone I want to puke in my mouth a little. Same goes for UI, UX and so on, and partially, for design, and everything including scripting and formulas. If I could, I would leave immediately to work on a horse farm, unfortunately it's not like they are waiting for me or it pays good. At least my starting point has changed now. It might not be a nice realization that I fooled myself like this, for years, for over a decade, but here we go. Thinking about contacting a coach or someone to help me figure this out. I think I will stay in my job and do my best, but now I can drop the burden of trying to change careers to something I also do not care for. I think I should do things I want to do. Or should I do things I am good at? I forgot. I am not really good at anything, so maybe should go with what I want. Unapologetically doing what I want? I want to write. I want to help people. I want to go outside and connect and smell the earth and trees and touch fur and feel my body and be physically fit and mentally free. I hope now you didn't throw up a little in your mouth reading this 😁 In this horse riding course, I met a woman. Life had scarred her. She had deep wrinkles and a constant look of worry on her face. She was afraid of the horses a bit, afraid of galop, she was angry, she always found a negative thing about everything. The way you pick up the riding crop scares my horse. The way you stand here scares my horse. My horse is scared. This is dangerous. The economy is bad. War is coming. You have to grit your teeth and fight for your life. She gave me advice, she said she had a dayjob she hated and then after those 8 hours she went to her side business she was building and worked on this way into the night. I said: How did you have the energy for this? She said she didn't really care about this, she WANTED to work in this side business, it was interesting, motivating, so she did it. But I should plan 10 years of tedious grinding until my business could take off. Now she has a second house in Italy, horses, a car, etc.. Do I want that? Do I want to grind like this? To be like her? Actually nah. I stared at the ground for a while and said: Then I guess I do not care for my "side business" as much. Thinking of developer work. Websites. IT stuff. Gnah. I saw in her eyes how her opinion of me deteriorated, but I do not think life has to be that hard. Or maybe it has to. No idea. I don't want to be scared and afraid of everything. If I believe it, it will be true. For next challenge I will come up with goals again. Guess this here is a spontaneous come to Jesus challenge.
  7. Late to the party as always. I've had enough. Currently doing a 1 week horseback riding beginner's course. I'm all alone in a foreign village without car in a holiday apartment, walking 3km in the morning each day to my course, hanging out on a horse farm with my small group of fellow beginners, learning the basics with the horses and riding, then walking back to my apartment, washing my laundry in the sink because they do not have a washing machine and I could not bring enough clothes in the train, going grocery shopping and hanging out here on my own. What can I say? I love it. I love being with the horses and the other animals there and I love the riding and how constructive the course is and I love being here on my own entirely without my bf and being able to conquer this quite intimidating challenge on my own. I really needed that. Of course it has me questioning things. It's day 4 today and I've realized I'm fed up with almost all relationships in my life. They suck. Maybe I suck. I'm a people pleaser but in this course I am realizing I can't be friends with most people. Maybe I'm going too fast, maybe it is because of the ADHD, but almost all my "friendships" involve me engaging with people. Asking them how they are, what they're doing, initiating conversations, and so on. Even in my relationship I do most of this kind of work. My bf might ask how it is going, but he never engages in conversations with me. It's mostly me talking AT him. Frankly, he bores me. So, I've said it. I'm bored by what he says and how he says it and how he has never anything interesting to say, never thinks about anything, has no interests but watching youtube videos of weight lifters or anime, and is unable to tell me anything ever I don't know already, never challenges me in any way and never contributes to a conversation. Our relationship worked because I did that, and he... took it. He is there for me, that is true, but emotionally and intellectually I am bored to death and on my own. I get more support and input in this forum than I ever got from him. My "friends" do not care for me. Why should I care for them? I've decided here and now that I will stop. I will stop engaging in these kind of friendships and I will stop carrying our relationship in this way. If it falls apart then, so be it. We are currently in couples therapy and EVEN THERE, and we already picked an ONLINE therapy where he can CHAT, so he does not have to talk and actually in real time word a meaningful sentence but can read and write with enough time (once a day), I am doing most of the work. The therapist said I am taking the role of his mother or the therapist. Fuck this. Fuck that. Fuck you. Fuck off. My so called friends can kiss my ass, too. In this course I tried engaging with people but some of them are so weird. Like I ask this woman I am sharing a horse with if she wants to go first. She says "why?" and assumes I have some shady agenda. Jeez. WHY NOT. Because I am nice. FUCK YOU. From this day on, I will only invest effort in people who actually reciprocate, and besides that, I'll do whatever I want when I want. That's my goal for now.
  8. life is funny sometimes. sat on my desk to start with a coding exercise and one of the exercises was called something with plants. for some reason I thought of pixel plants and how cute they are in pixel games and the game Gobliiins that had this level with some plants which was super fascinating for me as a kid: You walk around this sorcerer's place and it is full of mysterious and weird things. Then I remembered I had played a level of a game recently that I thought was a Gobliiins part but was not sure, so I opened dosbox and checked if it was Goblins 3. It was, and I was wondering why I didn't create a savegame after playing the first level, so I decided to quickly play the 1st level again and save to continue later. But it seems it's a demo because it closes after the first level. Then I remembered a shit ton of other old games I wanted to search for, for example The Neverhood, and Spacekids. Found a review video of Spacekids by some woman, turns out she's a tech inspired artist who does pretty cool stuff. I check out her website and a podcast about women in tech and learn she made a game called "Oh my Git" https://ohmygit.org/ for people to learn Git via time travelling analogy. So I was learning Git today. I still don't really git it, haha. ha.
  9. Proudly announcing (while my cat is slowly and sneakily pushing me to the outermost edge of my chair jesus christ he started out in the corner behind me and now is taking almost all the chair space already) that I made the doctor's phone call today. Did I mention that the book "Eat that frog" came to my mind recently? The book did nothing to me but the title stuck. Sometimes I feel like certain phrases and titles accumulate in my brain forever and sometimes come together in a certain constellation that triggers an action. Recently read a quote somewhere about things you don't prioritize but you still want (to do) eating away at you. Something just snapped and I jumped up and called the doctor today. Wasn't that bad, but he's on vacation currently and I have to call again. The woman was nice though so next time will be easier. Then I checked how to revert some of the already solved exercises in the bootcamp so I can do them again. Thought that wasn't possible but when half asleep remembered we use git so ofc it's possible. I found a way to make it work but not sure if it's the correct way to do it. Will do it that way because after 1 hour of trying, this was the only working way I found. Might ask a coworker tomorrow if there is a faster way (it's basically jumping with git checkout to a certain commit before I committed most of the solved exercises, manually copying the files without my solution and only the To Do's from the folder, saving them somewhere, switching back to the latest commit, replacing the files with the ones I've just copied and saved somewhere else, and committing them again - if anyone knows how that works or works better, feel free to tell me. I bet it's possible to replace the latest files with the files from an earlier point in git) Will play some Beatsaber later to kill a few calories. And maybe VR boxing. Then might do an exercise from the bootcamp. While I did make a list of what I need, I did not make a real roadmap yet to visualize this better. I don't want to get distracted with this kind of stuff because it is not the actual work, more planning related, and don't want to make the mistake to be busy with planning and thinking of work all the time but not actually solving the exercises and learning the shit. There's also the Odin Project, a path to become a developer for absolutely free, and they have many great resources as well, so I will crossread there while I follow along to get some concepts better.
  10. Guess we gotta wait another week for an official new challenge? You will not believe it, but I got up at 3 am and read 2 hours, then went for an early morning walk to enjoy a glimpse of the golden sun and pink sky, and then went through the bootcamp structure. Only because I wrote that down here. Maybe. Also I did not intentionally get up at 3 am but this is how it is for me. Go to bed "early", wake up 3-4 hours later, fully awake. I know it's normal and called biphasic sleep but I can't fall back asleep for shit when it happens. Could be because of my habit to go to bed between 6 and 8 am. Currently reading "Finish - Giving yourself the gift of done" and boy feel I called out. The book is simple but funny and has a lot of interesting points of view. For example that some people are reward motivated, others more by fear/avoidance, and BOTH are ok and BOTH can be utilized. Used to think my usually avoidance driven motivation is BAD and I should FEEL BAD and transform this somehow into a goal I want to go towards. I've also always never struggled with listing all the things I DON'T want, but all the other stuff? Nice to have. Merely. Glad that I don't need to use another 848372 self help books or go to therapy for the next years to transform all my goals into positive things I am driven towards instead of striving to get away from things I absolutely do not want anymore. When I think about it, that has often really been my biggest motivation. This and spite. And aesthetics. I just love to say "bye, fuckers" and go for greener pastures. This is the day I live for. Another interesting point of view is acknowleding noble blocks or whatever the author called it, stuff like "I gotta do x first before I can do y", bullshit we make up, stuff I mentioned earlier, like, when I get to the Bootcamp I need to "do it right"™ (whatever that means) and other buckets of concrete I love to stick my feet in before I can achieve anything. It goes along with what the author of the Gift of Adult ADHD book says, of finding fun in the tasks. Anyway, this is why I finally allowed myself to start the Unity developer part and jump right in. Usually I would tell myself Unity can wait, first I need to do some "real coding" (the boring stuff, like half-assedly read a thing about JSON and API and DOM or whatever) in some super dry environment, and if I start Unity, I need to start at the start with the super boring beginner's tutorial for the beginners. Not because I actually am a beginner, I know Unity pretty well because I have worked with it for years, but because it has been a couple of years and there are new versions and what if there is something different now and not the same "I move this block with holding CTRL and some arrow sliders" as in every 3D program?? My bf is currently doing the programmer part as well and I see it across the room and think "Oh he's so lucky being able to do this, I wish I could do this"... like. IT IS FREE. I CAN DOWNLOAD AND START IT ANYTIME.
  11. Agree! Didn't see the pics first in the spoiler but it looks great, suits you! I like before and after but after looks a bit more cheeky 😁
  12. true. often I look at our salad (I mean literal lettuce), or when we had a green smoothie with kale earlier, and think: phew. at least I don't have to care for veggies now with the meal. we often buy mixed frozen vegetables and just heat them in a pan, some of them are really good. no added sauces or anything. doesn't feel like "real vegetables" but better than nothing, I guess
  13. I had another brainfart yesterday, something I was never interested in but suddenly am, which is learning a handstand, very stereotypical thing to want to do these days but oh whatever, so I might incorporate this on some days, or at least some exercises in that direction for inbetween.
  14. Early recap omg the challenge is over tomorrow? I didn't do anything yet. Well, despite a few things and the interesting horse twist. lol. What went well? weight loss ✅ still losing my 3rd kg with a snail's pace (currently at ) but that's fine. Still tracking calories daily exercise ✅ more regularly recently and with new motivation thanks to changed plan general work life balance ✅ I work and still feel like I'm on a neverending vacation. When going on a bike trip recently with my bf to have dinner at a nice restaurant afterwards I felt so happy and optimistic about my future What needs improving? Bootcamp 🔜 I thought about it and I think I will not ask them for getting the certificate anyway. I simply do not want to bother and I don't need the certificate as proof. I probably would not even mention having been at a bootcamp to a future employer but rather say I gathered all my experience at work and during my studies ADHD meds aww how cute is that star? Why didn't I discover that earlier? I can't believe it myself but I missed the second call of the doc's office and can't make myself call them It's so terrible. Maybe I'll ask a friend to call on my behalf. Hm. I think I will start with working 1 hour daily on coding to get back into this. Currently I do not even know where to start. Maybe plan a few days for revision. Currently reading "The gift of adult ADHD" and will check for some techniques I can use. Got this little voice in my head telling me I need to do it "the right way" and to repeat everything from the beginning, which is, you guessed it maybe, BORING, and maybe not very useful anyway. Might jump right back into it and the exercise that seems most intriguing. What I know for sure is I need a roadmap To visualize what I need to learn and what lies along the way. Of course the course has this covered but not in a picture and I need this as picture to grasp it. So. might start with this simple and actually doable task for the next challenge. MAYBE ALREADY TODAY. OR TOMORROW. Let's not get cocky. At least I got energy drinks. Other goals Sign up for a horseback tour with my bf in August/September at a near horse farm ✅ --> not signed up yet but contacted them, asked if we can do this as beginners, they said yes and we will agree on a date. so this is happening!!
  15. If it helps, I've never seen another person at the hairdresser with wet hair and thought "man, their head for sure looks like a pumpkin" 🤣 heyyyyy so I had a look at your thread FINALLY and as always I'm mindblown to read so much familiar stuff around here. About the challenge being some blog of failures or just social stuff and the weight loss and waiting for a new challenge and life throwing curveballs and so on. so jelly of your ipad with procreate btw! OMG AND THE PUPPIES. Wish I could get one, they're adorable. It's so mind-boggling that these little still unaware potatoes grow up to have their own distinct personalities and characteristics and will be great companions that hopefully go on many adventures. right, about the veggies, no idea if that is an option for you but I am lazy and I often eat veggies in a way that I just wash them, cut them in small pieces and put them under the rest of my meal. I also do this with salad when I am too lazy to prepare a dressing which is most of the time. My main dish for a while would be freshly cut veggies, raw, in a bowl, and red lentils or rice or whatever else meal on top. I like to dig them out. They get a bit warmer and they make the whole meal taste fresh and more interesting. I also like the mix of texture with the processed foods and the raw veggies and use to go for zucchini, bell pepper, sometimes cucumber or brakaly (depends on the season, I try to keep this in mind more). Many vegetables you can simply throw in the oven as well but I prefer to eat them raw.
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