Hi all
My name is Fran; my superhero alter ego is Lady Diamond Dust. I’ve never spoken with any of you before (even though I’ve technically been a NF Academy member since November of last year)—so I am a little bit terrified. More than anything, I wanted to finally write my thoughts down and ask for your help.
Let me start by telling you where I am right now: On the outside, my life looks pretty good. I am 26 years old, married to the love of my life and we are a little less than three months away from our one year anniversary. We are both college students, living in our cozy one-bedroom apartment in a small Midwestern town; we aren’t wealthy—truly, we could easily be considered “poor”—but we try to be responsible with our finances and overall, we are really happy. I work for a reputable college in a city not far from where we live—I am essentially a desk-jockey, assisting students navigate college life. It sounds somewhat idyllic, right? Please know that I’m only trying to paint a picture, not brag or boast.
On the inside, however, I feel like my life is out of control. I’ve struggled with depression since I was 11 and even though I’ve been able to manage it relatively well over the years, the last 6 months have been the most difficult of my life. I feel like I am forever walking through molasses, I am moving so slowly; I simply feel old. My joints are popping and cracking in scary-sounding ways and every day, if I’m not having general stomach pain, I’m having hypoglycemia induced migraines. Every single day, when my husband asks how I feel, more often than not, I say that I am tired—that is the answer we have both come to expect. I feel like the life I am living has had all the vibrancy, color, and excitement leeched out.
With my mental health becoming a large concern of ours lately, we’ve been trying to discover the cause(s). I’ve been afraid to say it up until now, but I am 97.36% sure that, in large part, it has to do with my physical state. Growing up, I was always small—petite and thin. I ate nearly anything I wanted (the metabolism of youth was on my side!) and I stayed relatively active (as much as an asthmatic nerdy bookworm would be). But, as so often happens, as an adult my metabolism changed and I started getting jobs that would constantly require me to sit at a desk. Adult metabolism + sitting at desks all the time + 0% change in my habits = No Bueno! I am now 170 lbs. (whereas only 3 ½ years ago, I was hovering around 115-120 lbs.) I’ve been buying more and more clothes, always a size up, and despite all of this buying, my closet always seems to be shrinking; in reality, I’m growing steadily larger so my clothing choices are becoming more limited. My shirts are stretching and something I’ve discovered is that my pant zippers are constantly falling open (I didn’t even know weight gain would do that?!) As embarrassing a confession as this is, it’s all really just a longwinded explanation when all I’m trying to say is: It’s time for a real change.
In the past, there have been half-hearted attempts at becoming healthier. But I would always stop after a few days because I was so overwhelmed by the many things I needed to do to get healthy–eat healthy food, manage portion control, drink more water, exercise multiple times a week, generally be more active, get more sleep—the list goes on. After quitting I’d always feel guilty but I’d try to make myself feel better by reminding myself that I don’t smoke, rarely drink soda or alcohol, and don’t eat sweets or junk food (as if that was all it took to be truly healthy!). It has taken time to become aware of my habits but I’ve finally figured out two major Matrix mind blocks that have been tripping me up:
1. I suffer from the classic problem of the uber-perfectionist—I want to be perfect at something before moving on to the next step. When I joined NF back in November, after reading all the articles about the importance of a healthy diet, I became convinced that I had to have the “perfect” healthy food habits set up before I could move on to fitness. Only now have I come to the realization that will NEVER happen! I have finally accepted that the only way to stop the vicious cycle of guilt I’ve been experiencing is to take imperfect, constant baby-steps and not allow myself to get hung up on any one habit—I’ve decided to adopt the phrase “Imperfect Action” as my mantra.
2. In the most “successful” half-hearted attempt to date: About 9 months before my wedding, I decided that I would finally take charge of my health! I decided to do that by joining Nerd Fitness Academy; I was excited and gung-ho, ready to start… until I read that the most successful members engaged in the online community, through the message boards and Facebook. When I read that, I thought, “I can do this all by myself! I don’t need accountability from anyone, especially people I don’t know.” To no one’s surprise I’m sure, about a week later after buying academy membership, I gave up. My wedding has come and gone with no positive progress. Before you digitally throw rotten fruit at me, I’ve learned my lesson—I really DO need support and accountability partners to keep me on track; I want to be part of a community that values health, improvement, and adventure!
If you’ve read this far, bless you! You’ve finally reached the point where I finally ask for your help. I had to build up the courage to come onto this message board today and share my embarrassments and failures with you. Here is my plea: NF community, I need you! I need you to be my support system; I need you to keep me accountable. Instead of beating myself up over past failures, I’ve finally decided to give myself some grace—my new goal is that throughout this lifelong journey, I just need to keep going, constantly adjusting and improving as I go; I just won’t stop. But I need some wingmen and wingwomen to help me along the way! Will you join me in my quest, Rebels?
